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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: luise.volta on February 18, 2010, 11:44:22 PM

Title: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
Post by: luise.volta on February 18, 2010, 11:44:22 PM
*Note* - This post came in as a PM from tillykilly and I couldn't respond to her for some reason

thank god i have managed to find somewhere and someone out there who is living a similar nightmare and heartbreak.
my son and dil were out of my life for over 2 yrs and now since being pregnant and having my grandson they have been coming around. they still seem to be waving the white flag one minute and like a bull to red one the next, i have upset my dil with an innocent remark and my son laid into me in a foul mouthed way.  they seem intent on trying to prise as much money out of me as appears decent and doing a few things that seem family and mil friendly but i walk on eggs shells with her and my son i now take issue with when he disses me for no reason.  i always loving kind and supportive and never step into their space or even call as they control all that and i just go along with them and what they want, thaouh i still feel my dil is being crafty and sly and putting bullets in the gun for my son to fire please help what can i do next other than fall oveer board when and if they push for it.  god bless all us great and loving mums
Title: Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
Post by: cremebrulee on February 19, 2010, 04:34:13 AM
Quote from: luise.volta on February 18, 2010, 11:44:22 PM
*Note* - This post came in as a PM from tillykilly and I couldn't respond to her for some reason

thank god i have managed to find somewhere and someone out there who is living a similar nightmare and heartbreak.
my son and dil were out of my life for over 2 yrs and now since being pregnant and having my grandson they have been coming around. they still seem to be waving the white flag one minute and like a bull to red one the next, i have upset my dil with an innocent remark and my son laid into me in a foul mouthed way.  they seem intent on trying to prise as much money out of me as appears decent and doing a few things that seem family and mil friendly but i walk on eggs shells with her and my son i now take issue with when he disses me for no reason.  i always loving kind and supportive and never step into their space or even call as they control all that and i just go along with them and what they want, thaouh i still feel my dil is being crafty and sly and putting bullets in the gun for my son to fire please help what can i do next other than fall oveer board when and if they push for it.  god bless all us great and loving mums

Two years is not a long time to be going thru this, so I'm thinking this poor woman  is still in a mode of shock and not able to see things as they are...we go into a shock mode, then denial and make every excuse for them we can...and keep trying and trying, until we finally understand, they don't want us in they're lives...

I would suggest, first, that this woman, stop giving them money, it won't buy they're affections or make them be any closer to her....they are using her and she is making herself the victim, plus enabling they're behavior...then, I would suggest, she get into counseling immediately...I didn't and it nearly ate me up, and I  was like her, not living close to them, or interferring...matter of fact, I took a huge back step and allowed his father and step mother priority when it came to spending time with my son...I had to...

Also my advice to her would be some self help books...at this point, as I said, she is still in schock and denial therefore, it's going to be a slow hard process for her...however, I would also suggest to her that she come over here to this site and read...

It's so sad when this happens and breaks your heart to imagine a son and DIL being so cruel and unthinking, why do these husbands fall for this?  I just don't get it, even though I've gone thru it...it's so much hate, vindictive, selfish and cruel...this is, and I don't know how the rest of you gals feel, but it's like a divorce, only the bruses inside, last a lifetime...

Luise, can you ask her to join here? 

Perhaps all the ladies can help her?



Title: Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
Post by: 2chickiebaby on February 19, 2010, 05:32:14 AM
You're in shock right now, Tillykilly. The pattern is to keep giving and giving, all the while being shown how they acting.  You think it can't be happening.  So you keep giving and loving more.  It's like an abusive relationship. 

I think your son is in the training mode of showing his wife how he can dismiss his Mother and talk to her like he is talking to you.  His wife is listening and applauds him for standing up for her.  He gets praised from her.

You try harder and harder, just for one smile from them. 

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.  I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.  You're in the beginning (so sorry to have to tell you that!!! but you are.  Try, if you can to stop this "at the pass" by not allowing the treatment anymore. !!!!!

She is cutting him from the herd.  Please get back to us.  We've all been through it.  Bless you!!
Title: Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
Post by: cocobars on February 19, 2010, 05:55:43 AM
Hi tillykilly, and welcome to our group here! 

Next time you sign on here, go to the "Open Me First" folder and read through the first two entries that are listed there.  This will help you a little with the site and how it works.

Then click on the "Home" button on the top, left of your screen.  This will give you the main (or home) menu.  From that menu, you can go to (correction-) "Forum Support" and click on that, then check each of the listings there.  This will help you further with instructions on how to list your own postings and reply to others here.  While you're here, if you have any questions, just post them using the instructions there.  I'll get back to you and walk you through if need be!

  Each time you want to go back to the main or home page to see the listings again, just click on that "Home" button again.

We are happy you're here, and I believe you have found a place of support that will be healing for you! 

We are looking forward to hearing from you! :)
Title: Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
Post by: tillykilly on February 19, 2010, 06:55:16 AM
hi everyone so sorry not replied but new to pc and stuff and finding it difficult to get around this site  but i hope i am getting there.  i read replies thank you so much and i have a big lump in my throat feeling the loving kindness of your words and support.  this was just the tip of the iceberg although they have now been back for almost 2yrs it has been a constant struggle to keep on top or up with their game.  now i give only that which i see fitting and as i want ie to baby and on visiting i also sent emails to my son about his behaviour and explained how he made me feel and his attitude obnoxious and unkind was not being tolerated and that i deserved an apology..i cant tell you what it took for me to speak up to his bullying but he did apologise and i also printed off stuff about emotional abuse and gave that to him along with the print out emails...he does seem to be trying....this is just one son...i have 3 others who were all abusive and one i have not seen for over 4yrs the 2 eldest deeply abusive and one other dil i have severed ties i think once and for all this i did last year as i could not stand the pain and hurt of their malicious and bullying ways any longer ..i thought i would be better off lonely and alone almost entirely than to have them systematically destroy me heart and soul...i have not heard a word from them since last year 9mths...i want so desparately to be able to have a loving and caring and truthfull relationship with the youngest and dil and gson, but at what cost..at the moment i think i am holding my own, and they try it on, but are finding my goal posts have moved!!! I dont want to be dumped like before,..love to you all
Title: Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
Post by: cocobars on February 19, 2010, 07:00:20 AM
YAY! ;D  You're here!  Don't worry about being new to the pc world.  You can  post any questions you have here on your own post.  I'll answer them, even if they have nothing to do with this site.  You are amoung a group of loving, caring and understanding women who have all been in the place you are now.

I believe by coming on this site (I'm so happy you have a pc!), you will begin to feel differently by all the support you receive.  It has changed our lives, and I hope it does yours as well! :D

Hang in!  You have more replies on their way to you...
Title: Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
Post by: luise.volta on February 19, 2010, 07:08:04 AM
Good going...you're in! Congrats for not giving up!  ;D Another good place to go to get used to our Web-forum is the General Category and under that, Forum Support.
Title: Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
Post by: cocobars on February 19, 2010, 08:20:06 AM
I corrected my previous post here with directions for you!  I mis-quoted the folder to go to for support and Luise corrected that underneath my post.  I am sorry if I confused you and am happy you found out what to do!  LOL!

I had quoted "Helpful Resources" when that should have been "Forum Support!"
Title: Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
Post by: Marilyn on February 19, 2010, 11:44:11 AM
Welcome Tillykilly,I truly understand your hurt,pain, and confusion.We can't change other people.We can only change how we react to other peoples crazy behavior.We have to learn how to not let it affect us,and destroy our life.And that is very hard work on our part.Don't blame your self,or have a lot of self doubt.I'm sure the more you read and post here,the more confidence you'll have.
This is the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with,i'm sure every one on this site will agree.I'm glad you found us,it has helped me so much,just to know that i'm not alone.

I know we all can help with the distress your going thru,God Bless and
sending you a hug
Title: Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
Post by: luise.volta on February 19, 2010, 12:29:22 PM
And please don't fret to much about the learning curve you are one and being self-taught. Me, too!  ;D
Title: Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
Post by: cocobars on February 20, 2010, 05:01:35 AM
I received a PM from tillykilly at 1:40am (ET) that I have copied and pasted below:

hi all thanks for replies still finding way around but practise   can you help me furthur with last message sent to luise on 19th as gave update and more details i can rewrite if necessary and how do i know where to look for messages...outbox....  so i can make a recap and keep up.  darling lassies i am so thank ful that you  are doing all you can not just my dil and sons but this very user friendly site patience and practise   i will get there ...blessings to allx
Title: Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
Post by: renny97 on February 20, 2010, 07:58:56 AM
Welcome, TK.
You will feel right at home, here. I have been here less than a month, and feel so much better than the pain that brought me. You will be understood. You don't have to feel bad about wanting to be treated right. The cost is health and heartbreak. And, what is to be in life, will come, no matter how hard we want things to be different.

There is no weakness in letting go. That is strength. That is key to healing, I believe.

I have learned that I do not have to get along with in-laws. It is okay. I'll be here.



I have only one son. I cannot imagine having other adult children and going through this.
Title: Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
Post by: luise.volta on February 20, 2010, 08:29:50 AM
T/K - This is where dialogue takes place. Just ignore the Personal Messaging, please. You have posted here once...#4. Just keep it up. Thanks.
Title: Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
Post by: cocobars on February 21, 2010, 06:24:55 AM
Hi again tilly!  I'm glad you made it back and that you are learning how to use your computer a bit!  LOL!

Life has been hard for you lately and I have to agree with your feelings about being kicked down.  The important thing is that you are still standing - and standing well!  That's really all I feel that can be done.  We have so many problems with adult children, but what I believe this stage of life for us ultimately comes down to, is finding ourselves without our children and learning to enjoy life -for us! 

Three years ago I had lost everything in my world and was a lonely as you are (I'm so sorry about your loss!).  In the last three years, I have learned to "like" being alone.  I reached a place where I couldn't sit and cry anymore, and that proved to be a good place for me, because I started looking inside myself for happiness and stopped depending on other's for my own happiness.  It's been a very long road to here, and I still have bad days, but the good news is that now they are just "days," not weeks!  Progress is sometimes very slow for some of us and each of us has a different time period for mourning.  Most people would think I was taking too long, but it's my pace and I did my best.  I'm still doing all that I can and although it's been slow, now I can look back and see the progress.  When I was going through it I saw none - being able to see it has only come in the last year and is encouraging enough to help me move faster.

I'm telling you all of this, because I feel you are in the same place I was.  Everyone is different, but I believe if you start looking within yourself and have patience with yourself that's a first step.  It doesn't matter how long that takes, it's your pace and you have your own.

The best thing I can tell you is that.  Move on with your life and fill your days with things that make "you" happy.  When you have done something good - reward yourself and be good to yourself.  Your sons aren't going to do that for you anymore.  It's sad, but I believe it's true. 

You have already found something that will reward you for who you are and have created an interest that will bring your spirits up.  Your computer - and this site.  We are not experts here, but are women just like you.  We came through this door limping and hurting, just like you.  You have found a support system that many of us find comfort in, and you will learn so much about yourself - I know I have! 

Being alone can be lonely, but if views another way - it can also be solitude.  I hope you find that solitude and learn to smile here!  You just may find yourself going on walks, sitting outside with your coffee and listening to the sounds of the birds and neighbors, or even taking little trips alone and "people watching." 

Your sons seem to be unconcerned with you and you will find allot of other women here who have the same situation or similar situations.  You are part of the council here now and that's something to be proud of!  And yes, you will be very wise!  This is a precious place where we all learn from eachother.  You're at home tilly!

I'm happy to have you here! :)
Title: Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
Post by: 2chickiebaby on February 21, 2010, 06:36:29 AM
coco, you are a treasure :)
Title: Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
Post by: cocobars on February 21, 2010, 06:48:44 AM
Thank you Chickie!  I happen to think we all are!  This site is precious and safe, and we are all so special here!  There is not one person who doesn't belong!
Title: Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
Post by: luise.volta on February 21, 2010, 07:18:39 AM
Good for you for not letting the learning curve that is part of any online discussion group stop you.  In your last post, it's clear that you have not let what has happened in your personal life stop you, either. That's one of the characteristics of a WiseWoman! ;D

In one way or another, it's the lessons we all of seem to be learning: that we aren't our circumstances and we aren't other people hang-ups; which means we aren't their punching bags. We're more than that. We use each other as mirrors the reflect back how much more. There's a "mantra" for you! more! When we get stuck in *less," we see it everywhere we look.

You sound better. You have found an e-family of your own, beyond your biology. I love it when you wrote about wanting to help others here. That's what comes to the surface when we are nurtured, we nurture. The way to do that is to read the posts others have written and then hit "Reply" and type and send a message back to them like we are doing with you. It will all come. This computer stuff is pretty logical it seems to me and I was in my 70s before I tapped my first key. Bravo for you!
Title: Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
Post by: Pen on February 21, 2010, 08:07:52 AM
TK, I see hope in that you are conquering the PC and learning how to maneuver around this site! Welcome, and good on you.

Adding to our skills and competencies is a great way to ward off feelings of isolation and worthlessness, if that's an issue. I still remember the day when it dawned on me that to some people I was "old and in the way." As the saying goes, I wish I was as old now as I thought I was back then :)  Anyway, in a society that doesn't value its more experienced members, especially women, we need to keep learning, upgrading our skills, and replenishing our own feelings of worth and vitality. Thanks for the reminder! I need to work on this daily.

The posters on this site have really helped me with this! There's a lot of talent, wisdom and support here.
Title: Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
Post by: luise.volta on February 21, 2010, 09:44:07 AM
And...we are just two members short of being 200 strong! We are so diversified and scattered...and so connected and committed. What a concept!! viva la WiseWomen!!!
Title: Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
Post by: Pen on February 21, 2010, 10:10:14 AM
Whoo-hoo! Noisemakers and confetti ready!
Title: Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
Post by: renny97 on February 21, 2010, 02:07:40 PM
8)
WWU! Kudos!!! Ticker tape.

Think that deserves some <<<<<<<PINGS>>>>>>Luise. Please, do us the honors.  @>--->------>
Title: Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
Post by: cocobars on February 21, 2010, 02:15:44 PM
Luise is performing some webmaster skills!  She's busy right now, but when she's done, she needs some very BIG KUDO's!  We should all be proud of her!   She is moving some things around and will be working hard teaching herself!  LOL!

Luise!  We are "pinging" you!  It's YOUR turn!
Pingity    pingity   ping PING     PING!

You are the "WEBMASTER, AND the "fairy godmother!
Title: Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
Post by: luise.volta on February 21, 2010, 03:22:17 PM
Lets see...where'd I put that thing? Not in it's holster for safe keeping? Darn! Oops the Chihuahua-person got a hold of it and it was in his little., heated kennel; (a cat box turned upside down!) OK-ready?

pING;;;PING...PINGITY PING!!
Title: Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
Post by: tillykilly on February 22, 2010, 05:43:25 AM
thank you cocobars for your response and i agree with all you say, though the extreme loneliness is partly responsible for my dilemma.  i have been trying for over 5yrs entirely alone in going to day clubs, mostly for those alot older than me and have found cliqueness and the usual im ok jack sod you attitude, i have joined churches and been received and liked very well only to have a small 'group' who have destroyed in one fell swoop my self esteem and violated my confidence toward them.. i have my own home house and lovely gardens and financially secure, (it would seem much to  the chagrin of some),and i have welcomed and fed half the world it seems in trying to meet and make friends....i try too hard so i dont get respected my one time counsellor told me, but i am friendly and kind, not weak and stupid as others would have me believe...including my own family...my parents no longer alive and 2 brothers older have also gone, i have no other family at all and friends didn't bother to keep in touch when i moved many years ago,...my house is somewhat isolated and so i dont have neighbours that interact and i just dont know where to go if i sold up....2 of my sons leave around the block and the only one i do see is just 15 miles away but keeps me excluded (visits by appointment only) lol to be honest i am sick of trying and it would seem, may i say rather cynically that i am through with 'casting my pearls among swine'.  i do alot of what you say bless your loving heart and it helps to know that others have my experience, and though i am turned 60 apart from being a bit overweight i still can scrub up pretty good, hope not sounding smug but for all of it i never go out side the door and holidaying alone is tortuous. i just cant believe that after nearly 40yrs of giving giving and giving and dedication to my family that i am the one with nothing and no one...coco i have so much to give and still believe there is a god, but feel pissed with him too at the moment!!! i was no freak when i started out but getting nowhere not even a bye your leave for my efforts, has me thinking 'what good am i' i have answered some others on here, after getting around pretty well i think, and there sure is a whole lot of ---- about, but out of the dark comes light and here, blessings to you all x
Title: Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
Post by: cocobars on February 22, 2010, 07:16:34 AM
tillykilly, I understand wholeheartedly being "pissed" with God.  I've been there too!  Sometime life just hands you lemons!  LOL!  I reached a place where I finally saw that it wasn't God handing me those lemons, but looked around and saw that he was, in some small way at first trying to get my attention and bail me out lovingly.  I don't remember which post it was, and I'll try to get back to you on that so you can look it up.  Anyway, 3 years ago I came back up north, where my family lives.  I had lost everything.  I sat out on the patio each morning and just cried my days away.  I was mad at God for putting me there.  It took me a long time to realize that it wasn't God, but my husband that did that.  We all have our own free will here, and God lets us have that with our gift of life.  When so many things go wrong at once, and you are so lonely and hurt by others, sometimes God (or karma), or just the universe reaches out to you, but you have to look for it at first, because when you are in that dark place of your own hurt, you just don't always see that you are not alone.  Anyway, I sat and cried and before I knew it birds started coming and landing in the bushes and trees around where I was sitting.  Not all in one day, but each day I went out there would be a few more.  I would sit and cry, and they would watch.  This entire story I'm telling you took place over about a month or so.  Anyway, pretty soon squirrels started coming and looking at me.  I cried, they watched.  After awhile, their attention to me brought my attention away from me and on them.  I started bringing bread out with me and broke it up, throwing them the pieces.  They loved it and seemed to thrive on being fed.  Every morning they would still be there waiting.  Pretty soon I stopped all that crying. Chickie made a comment about this story when I was telling someone else about it.  She said I was looking to be loved and reaching out (which looking back was so true).  I felt unloved, just like you are feeling now.  I didn't notice the birds at first, not until I had a whole "audience!"  LOL!  But, I do believe that experience was actually "heaven sent."  God was answering me, but I didn't notice it until I had a "CROWD."  Those birds and squirrels are still at my patio and have become my family.  I have gone out of town and asked my father to go give them some food while I'm gone, and he said they weren't there.  Anyway, what I am saying is that I absolutely understand your anger.  I'm just asking you to start watching for answers.  You may not notice them right away, and they may be very small and easy to overlook, but I really have learned that we are not alone.  We are sharing our pain and being hugged from the other side, sometimes without realizing that. 

I've noticed your posts here to other women and have been impressed with the compassion you have passed on.  Have you thought about looking for a job as a volunteer somewhere?  Sometimes all it takes is getting out of the house and helping others. If that's not possible, then I believe God can reach you wherever you are - even if that is on your own patio crying your eyes out!  Even if it is on this site reaching out to other women who are experiencing such pain also. 

Hang in here Tilly!  You are doing something good for yourself, just being here and we all appreciate your loving efforts!  I'm not sure you were not lead to this place with your big heart!  You never know when you will start making lemonade from all those lemons...
Title: Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
Post by: cocobars on February 22, 2010, 08:09:33 AM
quote from tilly:

"and though i am turned 60 apart from being a bit overweight i still can scrub up pretty good, hope not sounding smug but for all of it i never go out side the door and holidaying alone is tortuous."

Tilly!  you just crack me up!  Yes we do need you here!!!  LOL!
Title: Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
Post by: renny97 on February 22, 2010, 11:46:57 AM
Oooooh, Coco, that was such a beautiful reflection! How symbolic!

You explain beautifully, that we are all dealt things we don't like in our lives. But, it is our reaction, that can be a turning point.

I've had the moments of sitting with nature when I didn't know where else to turn. My grandmother, always told me when I wanted to seek answers to problems, to watch nature. Your story, is a perfect example. Sure, we enjoy our natural surroundings, but it has always had a peace about it for me. I live in a rural area, too. I would watch my furbabies and see, how happy they are. Although today, they came in quickly with our winter storm.. ;). At one time, I even went and sat under this magnificent tree out back (summertime), and had a good cry over a past event. My old dog now, is very sensitive when I get emotional. She comes up and tries to kiss face  :).

I think when we get quiet with ourselves, things seem to lighten a bit. It is just us, nature, and God, if we believe. There will be unanswered prayers, and we don't know "why" right away...but, I really do believe we are brought to the place we need to be. Some times, in direct and obvious ways, and some times, as you say, in such a subtle and consistent way, until it is as if we finally "listen." We get "it." Change, isn't easy.

I am especially aware of "something or someone" guiding me to a new place. It is as if everything in my life, I hold dear, is eluding me. Soon, there will be deadlines, and no matter what the outcome, I will be relieved. I've been so filled with anxiety over such matters. I am ready, for any new direction that may come.

Thank you so much for such a touching insight! I would like to know, did you ever name any of your friends of nature? My mother, used to have "pet" squirrels that came around. She would feed them by hand. She said she enjoyed watching them eat, because she was so poor when she was little. She, too, believed in nature being telling. People may say "coincidence" but, when she passed, one of those squirrels lie dead on the corner of her yard.

So, I will stop with the grim, but animals are so pure. I am sure you were guided to be and help where you are now. You truly are an angel here as well. It can be better. And, thank you for the reminder.
Title: Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
Post by: cocobars on February 22, 2010, 12:07:07 PM
It's so funny that you would ask that, Renny!  I have names for my furry and feathered family!  Some of them have passed and I was privy to watching their passing (I haven't figured out yet where the name privy comes from there).  I guess it always means something to every being that someone who loves them dearly is there when they go, and someone who loves them dearly is there to receive them when they come!  It's a very important place and I feel God gave me a gift during that horrible time that I was reaching out!  My birds and squirrels and very tame and many of them will come eat out of my hands now.  I know I sound like a homeless woman (as that is what I've observed homeless women doing down in D.C.), but if they have that same gift of loving every being - instead of just humans, then I understand where it came from! 

I have a Jack Russell Terrier who took two Robin babies last summer.  The good thing was that the parents had one baby left, which grew and flew!  HA!  The second of the three babies, I stopped the dog from destroying, but it was too late, and I held it and cried, because the mother came and sat on the table in front of me and stared.  I know alot of people don't give credit to animals, but I saw the look in her eyes, and it was "sorrow."

Anyway, yes - I do have names.  I don't think anything or person here is really more important than anything or anyone else.  We all have purpose and are living that purpose in the best way we can.  If nobody ever speaks to me again, because they think I am now deemed a basket case, that's fine.  I am who I am and have seen other things that most people don't see. 

It sounds like your mother did too!  I have an american indian background.  Maybe that has something to do with it.  But I also have German and English ancestry.  Go figure!!
Title: Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
Post by: luise.volta on February 22, 2010, 12:14:39 PM
Beautiful!
Title: Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
Post by: cocobars on February 22, 2010, 04:03:18 PM
This came through from tilly in a PM.  She couldn't find her post since it was moved.  Tilly, since I'm posting this I hope you will find it at the bottom of the page.  I will send you a PM telling you where your post is also:

hi all and thank you again coco for your reply i was getting a bit cocky thinking i was getting around here ok  but i am on a paper chase for my messages and seem to find them some place else each time, is that me or you or just this site LOL   how heart warming that you noticed my replys, and yes i do try voluntary a while back now as a healer and personal medium...you know too coco that you have psychic abilities, which i pick up on right from the start, kindred spirits always read well...yes i too love the nature and spend much time feeding the wildlife, and such like, and take great pleasure when i spot my robins as they are noted in legend to be of spiritual assistance and i commune daily with my parents, who are a magnificent help and suggest many things i dont think of ...ie new ways to handle a novel situation...always and ever say and write 5 daily gratitudes, a knowledge that all is just as it is meant to be, and with a gentle kick in ass to the man above to get things moving and then i go on my merry way....until .....a tune here and a memory there, but you're right the tears fall only so many days and only for so long and in comparison to 24/7 that is improvement...i see your photo, is that really you coco or some film star you put up there    i was going to try doing a stint for the samaritans but i thought if they get me and are not heading over the edge they soon would be by the time i finished with them!!!  only kidding but it is all about compassion and that is a higher level of love..it never ceases to amaze me how people say about loving, forgiveness, finding grace and strength but until one has suffered in depth and in many varied ways we never truly know how to offer the greatest gift of all  'unconditional love'.........now dont get me started coco you are my inspiration and all blessings to you one and all ..tillyx  ps seem to have lost thread for post ...no title... errors came up recepient not found?
Title: Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
Post by: cocobars on February 22, 2010, 04:10:44 PM
Tilly!  I can't help but be in stitches every time I read your posts!  You are hilarious and entertaining, and you add such a gift of laughter to this site (which is also a healing thing - don't know if you knew that)!  I hope everyone gets the same kicks I get from you! 

Tilly, you have good things coming in life!  You deserve to be out of that house and entertaining a crowd!  So much more love than you are getting now!

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
Post by: cocobars on February 22, 2010, 06:27:29 PM
Hi Tilly,

I just wanted to send you a quick message telling you how much joy you have to give everyone you touch.  I wanted to tell you that maybe the reason the women at your church are being mean to you is because you may be in the wrong church.  It sounds to me like you should look for a metaphysical church.  With your spiritual belief system, you would find so many other people there who are more accepting of you! 

I don't know where you live, but I do believe you should get out of your house as much as possible.  Tilly, you have so much to offer the world outside your home, and sometimes you just need to go out for that love to find you!  There are so many forms of love and I've found that one is no more important than another.  Personally, I would rather have a dog than a husband (I hope I don't get in trouble for saying that), but my dog is my companion and I know I am loved.  I think I am her moon, her stars and her sun, and she can't let me out of her sight.  She was another one of those animals that just kind of fell into place with me.  You never know what you are going to find when you look.  Try taking a walk and just looking at the trees, the grass and the sky!  Why I can remember seeing angels in the clouds.  If you look for them, you'll see them!  That's God loving you too!

I'm happy you're here tilly. And yes, you're right about me having that gift.  I believe you have one too!
Title: Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
Post by: renny97 on February 22, 2010, 10:56:37 PM
8) You shine so brightly! Happy thoughts.

I am hooked on this marquee!
Title: Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
Post by: cocobars on February 23, 2010, 03:38:52 AM
Quote from: renny97 on February 22, 2010, 11:46:57 AM
Oooooh, Coco, that was such a beautiful reflection! How symbolic!

You explain beautifully, that we are all dealt things we don't like in our lives. But, it is our reaction, that can be a turning point.

I've had the moments of sitting with nature when I didn't know where else to turn. My grandmother, always told me when I wanted to seek answers to problems, to watch nature. Your story, is a perfect example. Sure, we enjoy our natural surroundings, but it has always had a peace about it for me. I live in a rural area, too. I would watch my furbabies and see, how happy they are. Although today, they came in quickly with our winter storm.. ;). At one time, I even went and sat under this magnificent tree out back (summertime), and had a good cry over a past event. My old dog now, is very sensitive when I get emotional. She comes up and tries to kiss face  :).

I think when we get quiet with ourselves, things seem to lighten a bit. It is just us, nature, and God, if we believe. There will be unanswered prayers, and we don't know "why" right away...but, I really do believe we are brought to the place we need to be. Some times, in direct and obvious ways, and some times, as you say, in such a subtle and consistent way, until it is as if we finally "listen." We get "it." Change, isn't easy.

I am especially aware of "something or someone" guiding me to a new place. It is as if everything in my life, I hold dear, is eluding me. Soon, there will be deadlines, and no matter what the outcome, I will be relieved. I've been so filled with anxiety over such matters. I am ready, for any new direction that may come.

Thank you so much for such a touching insight! I would like to know, did you ever name any of your friends of nature? My mother, used to have "pet" squirrels that came around. She would feed them by hand. She said she enjoyed watching them eat, because she was so poor when she was little. She, too, believed in nature being telling. People may say "coincidence" but, when she passed, one of those squirrels lie dead on the corner of her yard.

So, I will stop with the grim, but animals are so pure. I am sure you were guided to be and help where you are now. You truly are an angel here as well. It can be better. And, thank you for the reminder.
Renny, thank you for all the wonderful compliments!  And, for understanding my experience.  I haven't been able to talk about these experiences much in the past, because people in this area just think I'm absolutely nuts when I do!  That's another gift I've noticed from this site.  Nobody questions the validity of those events.  If your grandmother had this gift, then you could have it also without even knowing it.  Things like this are passed down sometimes.  My grandmother (father's side) had the same gift.  I believe it's part of our "cell memories."  I don't really understand how that works enough to explain it, but Creme had a wonderful write up about it almost a week ago, it seems. 

Your old dog has a connection with you.  We always kid that they become out children, but what some people don't think about, is that is the same for them.  The fact that you get upset and she tries to comfort you tells me she knows you very well and loves you - just like her mother.  You still have that "furry" family loving you!

Anyway, you hang in!  Feel that?  It's me hugging you!  Couldn't help myself! ;D

Title: Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
Post by: catchingup on March 03, 2010, 09:08:40 AM
Quote from: cocobars on February 22, 2010, 07:16:34 AM
tillykilly, I understand wholeheartedly being "pissed" with God.  I've been there too!  Sometime life just hands you lemons!  LOL!  I reached a place where I finally saw that it wasn't God handing me those lemons, but looked around and saw that he was, in some small way at first trying to get my attention and bail me out lovingly.  I don't remember which post it was, and I'll try to get back to you on that so you can look it up.  Anyway, 3 years ago I came back up north, where my family lives.  I had lost everything.  I sat out on the patio each morning and just cried my days away.  I was mad at God for putting me there.  It took me a long time to realize that it wasn't God, but my husband that did that.  We all have our own free will here, and God lets us have that with our gift of life.  When so many things go wrong at once, and you are so lonely and hurt by others, sometimes God (or karma), or just the universe reaches out to you, but you have to look for it at first, because when you are in that dark place of your own hurt, you just don't always see that you are not alone.  Anyway, I sat and cried and before I knew it birds started coming and landing in the bushes and trees around where I was sitting.  Not all in one day, but each day I went out there would be a few more.  I would sit and cry, and they would watch.  This entire story I'm telling you took place over about a month or so.  Anyway, pretty soon squirrels started coming and looking at me.  I cried, they watched.  After awhile, their attention to me brought my attention away from me and on them.  I started bringing bread out with me and broke it up, throwing them the pieces.  They loved it and seemed to thrive on being fed.  Every morning they would still be there waiting.  Pretty soon I stopped all that crying. Chickie made a comment about this story when I was telling someone else about it.  She said I was looking to be loved and reaching out (which looking back was so true).  I felt unloved, just like you are feeling now.  I didn't notice the birds at first, not until I had a whole "audience!"  LOL!  But, I do believe that experience was actually "heaven sent."  God was answering me, but I didn't notice it until I had a "CROWD."  Those birds and squirrels are still at my patio and have become my family.  I have gone out of town and asked my father to go give them some food while I'm gone, and he said they weren't there.  Anyway, what I am saying is that I absolutely understand your anger.  I'm just asking you to start watching for answers.  You may not notice them right away, and they may be very small and easy to overlook, but I really have learned that we are not alone.  We are sharing our pain and being hugged from the other side, sometimes without realizing that. 

I've noticed your posts here to other women and have been impressed with the compassion you have passed on.  Have you thought about looking for a job as a volunteer somewhere?  Sometimes all it takes is getting out of the house and helping others. If that's not possible, then I believe God can reach you wherever you are - even if that is on your own patio crying your eyes out!  Even if it is on this site reaching out to other women who are experiencing such pain also. 

Hang in here Tilly!  You are doing something good for yourself, just being here and we all appreciate your loving efforts!  I'm not sure you were not lead to this place with your big heart!  You never know when you will start making lemonade from all those lemons...

About those birds

Said the Robin to the Sparrow,
"I should really like to know
Why these anxious human beings
Rush around and worry so"

Said the Sparrow to the Robin,
"Friend I think that it must be
That they have no Heavenly Father
Such as cares for you and me"
Title: Re: DS and DIL have re-entered my life with same old pattern
Post by: catchingup on March 03, 2010, 09:15:14 AM
Quote from: cocobars on February 22, 2010, 07:16:34 AM
tillykilly, I understand wholeheartedly being "pissed" with God.  I've been there too!  Sometime life just hands you lemons!  LOL!  I reached a place where I finally saw that it wasn't God handing me those lemons, but looked around and saw that he was, in some small way at first trying to get my attention and bail me out lovingly.  I don't remember which post it was, and I'll try to get back to you on that so you can look it up.  Anyway, 3 years ago I came back up north, where my family lives.  I had lost everything.  I sat out on the patio each morning and just cried my days away.  I was mad at God for putting me there.  It took me a long time to realize that it wasn't God, but my husband that did that.  We all have our own free will here, and God lets us have that with our gift of life.  When so many things go wrong at once, and you are so lonely and hurt by others, sometimes God (or karma), or just the universe reaches out to you, but you have to look for it at first, because when you are in that dark place of your own hurt, you just don't always see that you are not alone.  Anyway, I sat and cried and before I knew it birds started coming and landing in the bushes and trees around where I was sitting.  Not all in one day, but each day I went out there would be a few more.  I would sit and cry, and they would watch.  This entire story I'm telling you took place over about a month or so.  Anyway, pretty soon squirrels started coming and looking at me.  I cried, they watched.  After awhile, their attention to me brought my attention away from me and on them.  I started bringing bread out with me and broke it up, throwing them the pieces.  They loved it and seemed to thrive on being fed.  Every morning they would still be there waiting.  Pretty soon I stopped all that crying. Chickie made a comment about this story when I was telling someone else about it.  She said I was looking to be loved and reaching out (which looking back was so true).  I felt unloved, just like you are feeling now.  I didn't notice the birds at first, not until I had a whole "audience!"  LOL!  But, I do believe that experience was actually "heaven sent."  God was answering me, but I didn't notice it until I had a "CROWD."  Those birds and squirrels are still at my patio and have become my family.  I have gone out of town and asked my father to go give them some food while I'm gone, and he said they weren't there.  Anyway, what I am saying is that I absolutely understand your anger.  I'm just asking you to start watching for answers.  You may not notice them right away, and they may be very small and easy to overlook, but I really have learned that we are not alone.  We are sharing our pain and being hugged from the other side, sometimes without realizing that. 

I've noticed your posts here to other women and have been impressed with the compassion you have passed on.  Have you thought about looking for a job as a volunteer somewhere?  Sometimes all it takes is getting out of the house and helping others. If that's not possible, then I believe God can reach you wherever you are - even if that is on your own patio crying your eyes out!  Even if it is on this site reaching out to other women who are experiencing such pain also. 

Hang in here Tilly!  You are doing something good for yourself, just being here and we all appreciate your loving efforts!  I'm not sure you were not lead to this place with your big heart!  You never know when you will start making lemonade from all those lemons...