I am not alone, I see that by reading post on here........I am not even sure what to say other than this a pain I face every day. I kept thinking as she matured, married, and had children she could somehow find a love for me....she can not.
My mother did not love me. I was illegitimate...I tried to please her into liking me until the day she died (when I was 30). I was so determined to be a better mother than she was.... I was. My four children were my world. Sadly when they were 12, 10, 8, and 10 months old I lost their dad to brain damage as the result of an accident at work.....He became violent and abusive. To protect my children I divorced him and then struggled on my own for 4 years until I met a wonderful man who loved me and my children. My oldest daughter was 14....That's when she changed..... Her siblings love their step dad and he has raised them as his own. He is a good man. Her dad slowly got better and eventually married. He never gave his children the time of day.... I think she longed for that. And although she will admit leaving him was the best thing...I think she still hates me because I did. I did not ask for spousal support, even though I had never worked, I did not ask for half of his pension, and I even choose far less for child support than what the state gives....All I wanted was the house which was not even worth that much 20 years ago....I saw to it that he would be ok, above even myself.....and the kids..I felt in doing so we would be blessed and would be ok. When she turned 25 I took her to lunch. She verbally vomited on me. Told me everything I had ever done wrong and that she never wanted her children around me. I was blindsided. I had no idea she hated me or why...I sat there with tears spilling into my lunch and felt my heart break.....She had met a wonderful young man by then and they were soon married..... We shopped for a wedding dress, and she was cold towards men. As we shopped for her flowers and other things she remained that way.....The night of her wedding her husband family put her up in a hotel close to where they were getting married....but an hour away from our home....She spent that last night with them.....I love her in-laws, they are good, good people. My daughter's husband and all his siblings are adopted and his mother is an amazing mother. I have never been jealous of his parents, but they spend every holiday and celebration with them. We live in Oregon, my daughter in S. Cal. and her inlaws in Missouri. They are wealthy and can afford to fly the kids out there and they do. Although my son in law makes a great deal of money, we too have offered to fly them here. They do not come. When my grandaughter was born my daughter called me afterwords. When their son was born last year....She asked her mother-in-law to be there "because all of her children were adopted she had never experienced the birth of baby." I was devastated but never let on to my daughter and just told her how proud I was that she was so thoughtful of her mother-in-law. My daughter did not even tell me when she went in. I got a text on my phone telling me "he is here." I have tried over and over again to be loving, kind and thoughtful to my daughter. It makes no difference. She is incredibly critical of everything I do..... Two weeks ago I learned they were going once again to her in laws for the blessing of a new baby of my son in laws sister. Of course his mother got to be there for that....And yet my daughter and her husband could not even come to my son's first child's blessing and they live 4 hours apart.....(When this son was married, my daughter came but her husband "could not get away from work") Even at that, I have never said a thing or expressed that her actions are hurtful......So fast forward.....I found out they were going to her inlaws....So I wrote her and invited her for Thanksgiving because her little sister would be home from college....She told me that would not work for them. The day before they left was their oldest 4th birthday....I called several times but trued to nature, my daughter never answered. I left a message for my grandaughter telling her I hoped she lik her present.....I heard nothing. I kept trying to call and finally got a return call from my daughter. I knew she was at her inlaws.....I asked to speak to my grandaughter....And she attacked me.....telling me she was not there and why did I not call her on her birthday....I was in shock (I don't ever get use to her anger towards me that comes from no where) As I tried to explain that I had called and that we had gone to the show later in the day...She angerliy asked me "did I not take my cell phone with me..." I have had it. I can do it anymore. I told her. "I am not doing this with you anymore, good bye." And hung up. I do not want to spend the rest of my life trying to get her to love me just like it was with my mother. I have a great relationship with my 3 other adult children. When my son's baby was born he asked me to come and be with him and his wife, even though her mother would be there too. He knew how much his sister had hurt me. It was wonderful, but does not make the pain go away from what his sister had done...... I do not ever want to talk to her again. I love her little ones but she does not have them call me nor does she answer her phone when I call to talk to them......They have wonderful grandparents....and I am ok with that. My daughter has also picked up a relationship with her dad and dotes on him and his new wife (who she could not stand).....
I do not plan on calling her for Thanksgiving nor do I plan on calling her for Christmas. I am not sending them anything. And I am ok with that......It makes me sad for her, and for her little ones...I am a good person, a good mother and a really good grandma....I am sad that she will not have me in her life.......................It breaks my heart........but I do not know what else to do.......I realize now, she is never going to change.................and I have no idea what I did to her..........................
Quote from: Renet on November 01, 2010, 07:23:49 PM
I am not alone, I see that by reading post on here........I am not even sure what to say other than this a pain I face every day. I kept thinking as she matured, married, and had children she could somehow find a love for me....she can not.
My mother did not love me. I was illegitimate...I tried to please her into liking me until the day she died (when I was 30). I was so determined to be a better mother than she was.... I was. My four children were my world. Sadly when they were 12, 10, 8, and 10 months old I lost their dad to brain damage as the result of an accident at work.....He became violent and abusive. To protect my children I divorced him and then struggled on my own for 4 years until I met a wonderful man who loved me and my children. My oldest daughter was 14....That's when she changed..... Her siblings love their step dad and he has raised them as his own. He is a good man. Her dad slowly got better and eventually married. He never gave his children the time of day.... I think she longed for that. And although she will admit leaving him was the best thing...I think she still hates me because I did. I did not ask for spousal support, even though I had never worked, I did not ask for half of his pension, and I even choose far less for child support than what the state gives....All I wanted was the house which was not even worth that much 20 years ago....I saw to it that he would be ok, above even myself.....and the kids..I felt in doing so we would be blessed and would be ok. When she turned 25 I took her to lunch. She verbally vomited on me. Told me everything I had ever done wrong and that she never wanted her children around me. I was blindsided. I had no idea she hated me or why...I sat there with tears spilling into my lunch and felt my heart break.....She had met a wonderful young man by then and they were soon married..... We shopped for a wedding dress, and she was cold towards men. As we shopped for her flowers and other things she remained that way.....The night of her wedding her husband family put her up in a hotel close to where they were getting married....but an hour away from our home....She spent that last night with them.....I love her in-laws, they are good, good people. My daughter's husband and all his siblings are adopted and his mother is an amazing mother. I have never been jealous of his parents, but they spend every holiday and celebration with them. We live in Oregon, my daughter in S. Cal. and her inlaws in Missouri. They are wealthy and can afford to fly the kids out there and they do. Although my son in law makes a great deal of money, we too have offered to fly them here. They do not come. When my grandaughter was born my daughter called me afterwords. When their son was born last year....She asked her mother-in-law to be there "because all of her children were adopted she had never experienced the birth of baby." I was devastated but never let on to my daughter and just told her how proud I was that she was so thoughtful of her mother-in-law. My daughter did not even tell me when she went in. I got a text on my phone telling me "he is here." I have tried over and over again to be loving, kind and thoughtful to my daughter. It makes no difference. She is incredibly critical of everything I do..... Two weeks ago I learned they were going once again to her in laws for the blessing of a new baby of my son in laws sister. Of course his mother got to be there for that....And yet my daughter and her husband could not even come to my son's first child's blessing and they live 4 hours apart.....(When this son was married, my daughter came but her husband "could not get away from work") Even at that, I have never said a thing or expressed that her actions are hurtful......So fast forward.....I found out they were going to her inlaws....So I wrote her and invited her for Thanksgiving because her little sister would be home from college....She told me that would not work for them. The day before they left was their oldest 4th birthday....I called several times but trued to nature, my daughter never answered. I left a message for my grandaughter telling her I hoped she lik her present.....I heard nothing. I kept trying to call and finally got a return call from my daughter. I knew she was at her inlaws.....I asked to speak to my grandaughter....And she attacked me.....telling me she was not there and why did I not call her on her birthday....I was in shock (I don't ever get use to her anger towards me that comes from no where) As I tried to explain that I had called and that we had gone to the show later in the day...She angerliy asked me "did I not take my cell phone with me..." I have had it. I can do it anymore. I told her. "I am not doing this with you anymore, good bye." And hung up. I do not want to spend the rest of my life trying to get her to love me just like it was with my mother. I have a great relationship with my 3 other adult children. When my son's baby was born he asked me to come and be with him and his wife, even though her mother would be there too. He knew how much his sister had hurt me. It was wonderful, but does not make the pain go away from what his sister had done...... I do not ever want to talk to her again. I love her little ones but she does not have them call me nor does she answer her phone when I call to talk to them......They have wonderful grandparents....and I am ok with that. My daughter has also picked up a relationship with her dad and dotes on him and his new wife (who she could not stand).....
I do not plan on calling her for Thanksgiving nor do I plan on calling her for Christmas. I am not sending them anything. And I am ok with that......It makes me sad for her, and for her little ones...I am a good person, a good mother and a really good grandma....I am sad that she will not have me in her life.......................It breaks my heart........but I do not know what else to do.......I realize now, she is never going to change.................and I have no idea what I did to her..........................
Renet, I am so sorry. I think your daughter is learning the hard way that going after money leaves you empty when all is said and done. I feel like she will be back one day with her heart broken. Don't know why but I do. I think you made a great choice in just stopping the insanity. Hearts sent to you.... :'(
Hi Renet and welcome
You'll find here that many woman are facing problems that are similar to yours. You will be accepted here unconditionally for who you are.
I feel like the statue of liberty holding a torch and saying, Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. I guess we are our own statue of liberty on this site as we welcome everyone who has a need or a contribution to make.
You have already made the hardest decision and that was to take the step back. Letting your daughter go. You gave her the best upbringing and life possible, you thought of her needs before your own, nothing more can be asked of you. It's time to stop allowing her to take from you the happiness that is yet to come with your other children and grandchildren. She will come back into your life or she won't, either way you have decided on what your bottom line is and you're standing firm.
It sounds to me like you've done exceptionally well as a single mother of four. And then to have someone come into your life who has the heart to love your kids, how lucky you are.
Wow, Renet, I could have authored your post! Almost. Very similar situations, but truly identical feelings. I have no idea what I've done either. I can't understand how I raised such a unforgiving child. Whatever on earth her reasons are, mine won't even talk about it - give it the time of day - answer the phone, or even read my correspondence to her. Last May she decided I couldn't talk to my grandbabies (ages 8 & 12) anymore either. I still have no idea why, so I completely understand your heartache, heartbreak and confusion. I too have decided I've had enough, as every attempt to reach out to her just ended in more confusion, tears, puffy eyes....etc. All I can tell you is it does make me feel better to know I'm not the only one! It's embarrassing and humiliating to admit to people that my daughter wants nothing to do with me. So far, my only consolation is knowing I'm not alone (thanks to this website, which BTY, I've never posted on) and trusting that God will work it all for good for those who love Him. And I do love Him. But it still hurts. xo
People make choices. We aren't to blame for that. They are. Sending love...
Welcome, Renet. You have support and comfort along your healing path here. Sometimes that journey takes us 2 forward, 1 back, or in my case sometimes 1 forward and 2 back. But, we find strength here to take care of ourselves 'cos that's all we can do. We learn we can't change anyone else (darn it all.) Best wishes to you.
Welcome Renet and you will drive yourself bonkers trying to "understand". You can't understand what isn't understandable. Good for you for taking a stand and saying I don't deserve this.
Renet,
I too am going through the same thing as you & Suzanne except it is with my son. I too question how I raised such an unforgiving child. I have been going to counseling, which is helping tremendously, and I am learning to quit blaming myself for the decisions and actions that he has made and continues to make.
I found and purchased a book titled "When Parents Hurt" by Joshua Coleman. The best place to purchase this book is on Amazon. I highly recommend this book for any parent/grandparent that is going through these same circumstances. It is quite enlightening and can help give you some insight and possible understanding.
I wish you and your family the best!
I have a friend who read that book and then did some very helpful phone consults with the author.
I'm going to track down the book "Parents in Pain". I love books! Thanks for the recommendation. I appreciate it. Suzanne......
I was wondering what the approach of the book: "When Parents Hurt" is?
Renet,
I feel like I am reading about myself. What joy to know that WE are not the cause of our kids screwed up sense of responsibility toward their mothers. I often wonder why they treat their mothers this way, yet I see very few remarks that the kids treat the fathers this way. Very interesting to say the least.
Sending a great big hug to all this morning, I have read a lot and feel confident facing the day ?
I just read another really good book also.A counselor told me to read this years ago,i looked for it and didn't find it........then forgot about it.I stumbled across it a couple of weeks ago and bought it............really wished i would of read it sooner.I have always been naive and too trusting,believing always be kind and good to people.And the one thing that always tripped me up was "you reap what you sow".... "you get what you think you deserve" is another.This book really helps with that.
Safe people......by Dr.Henry Cloud and Dr.John Townsend
There is a chapter about............Should I Repair or Replace,the relationship.The truth is some relationships are not workable if someone is not willing to change and reconcile.We can forgive,but we cannot reconcile without their willingness.I decided months ago,i was DONE!!! This book,helps reinforce why this is the only option i have.I can truly walk away with no guilt,and know i made the right choice.
Luise has always given the best advice,go on with your life,you can only change yourself.
Lusie,you really,really are an Angel........"A gift from God"..........to each of us who have found WWU.The support here is just wonderful!!!
I totally agree. A year ago I didn't think I could come this far.
Mominwaiting, I've thought about you and I'm glad you're back. You sound wonderful. I'm very happy for all the positive things going on in your life right now.
Hugs to you.
I just ordered both of the books that were recommended...... And you know what I did??? Where I ordered them from is asked if it was a gift, would I liked it wrapped and would I like a note.... I paid the extra 5 bucks on both of them, had them wrapped and then wrote "Merry Christmas, Love DD." I am way proud of myself...... 8)
Awesome Renet :) :) :)
I am so proud of you!!!Love,Love,love yourself...........the change in you will produce good feelings,which lead to happiness.
And remember always................Rejection is Gods Protection...........When you really see the truth in this,rejection doesn't hurt.
Sending hugs!!!
Thank you Barbie,i'm glad to be back!!!
I have to go to work now,so everyone have a very blessed day! :)
Sending hugs
Just returned from work and loved reading all the posts since this morning. You guys rock!
...takes one to spot one...
The only thing better would be to have coffee with you guys.
Well, we could re-name it...www.CoffeeClutch.com ;D
What I did to heal my wounds from having a son who feels like that was to let him know I love him and am there for him should he decide he wants me in his life, but it is simply too heartbreaking to do so continuously. I stopped sending gifts, leaving phone messages, etc. I truly have no idea what his resentment is based upon. I even raised his emotionally disturbed son (a different story); part of it I am sure is guilt, but his brother tells me it is from earlier in life. I do allow myself to occasionally grieve again, but had to build joy into my life from other sources.
His stepmother gives me regular updates about him, he lives near his father, but in many ways my son is a stranger to me. Recently, after almost 15 years of non-relationship, he has "friended" me on facebook, at the urging of a new girlfriend. It gives me the chance to make the occasional comment about ways I am proud of his achievements. He does not comment on my posts. He will turn 40 next summer; I am 69.
I feel your pain, and all I can say is that you have a life beyond this daughter, and you deserve to make it a happy one. Blessings.
Quote from: AZGMA on November 11, 2010, 08:19:17 AM
What I did to heal my wounds from having a son who feels like that was to let him know I love him and am there for him should he decide he wants me in his life, but it is simply too heartbreaking to do so continuously. I stopped sending gifts, leaving phone messages, etc. I truly have no idea what his resentment is based upon. I even raised his emotionally disturbed son (a different story); part of it I am sure is guilt, but his brother tells me it is from earlier in life. I do allow myself to occasionally grieve again, but had to build joy into my life from other sources.
His stepmother gives me regular updates about him, he lives near his father, but in many ways my son is a stranger to me. Recently, after almost 15 years of non-relationship, he has "friended" me on facebook, at the urging of a new girlfriend. It gives me the chance to make the occasional comment about ways I am proud of his achievements. He does not comment on my posts. He will turn 40 next summer; I am 69.
I feel your pain, and all I can say is that you have a life beyond this daughter, and you deserve to make it a happy one. Blessings.
You're right, you do learn and grow and become stronger. Not much can hurt you anymore once you have this happen. And it's true...lots of good people have bad things happen to them. (even books are written about it)
And some bad people have good things happen to them! Go figure!
I remember when something that looked really terrible happened to Kirk and I when he was 12. I told him to mark the calendar and we would check a year from that date to see if it was "good" or "bad" because we had no way of knowing. A year later, we did that and something wonderful had appeared in the void the former "catastrophe" had left in our lives.
For a long time now, I haven't prayed for anything specific for myself or others. I just pray for the "highest and best good." Most of the time I don't have a clue what that is.
Quote from: luise.volta on November 11, 2010, 12:53:26 PM
And some bad people have good things happen to them! Go figure!
I remember when something that looked really terrible happened to Kirk and I when he was 12. I told him to mark the calendar and we would check a year from that date to see if it was "good" or "bad" because we had no way of knowing. A year later, we did that and something wonderful had appeared in the void the former "catastrophe" had left in our lives.
For a long time now, I haven't prayed for anything specific for myself or others. I just pray for the "highest and best good." Most of the time I don't have a clue what that is.
What an incredibly beautiful way to look at good and bad!! I love it. Either the catastrophe leaves or you change the way you see it, right?
Thank you for not leaving us!!
I like this Luise, reminds me of a buddhist story with same approach...
Wanna share that?
Quote from: luise.volta on November 11, 2010, 01:08:25 PM
Wanna share that?
Old Zen Story:
A farmer had a son who goes out for a horse back ride, falls off the horse and breaks his leg. The son is quite involved in farming with his father. All the villagers say: "Oh that's terrible !" and the farmer says "we'll see" (or maybe)
Then the Kings men come through the village and are forcing the young men to join the army. But the farmers son can't
go because he has a broken leg. The villagers all say: "Oh that's wonderful" and the farmer says 'well see" (or maybe)
Then the horse (stallion) that the farmer used to plow the earth with runs away! The villagers say: "Oh no that is terrible", and the farmer says "We'll see" (or maybe).
Then the stallion comes back with a mare. The villagers are jubilant and say "this is wonderful" and you know what the farmer
says: "We'll see"
And its said this story goes on indefinitely
Love it! Thanks! :)
I'm in so much pain .............. I really don't know how to begin my story only to say it's been more than painful. For the most part, my daughter will promise she will never repeat what she's been doing; never invite me to spend holidays with her, call on birthdays or pick up the phone with both and all. She is closer to my husbands wife who turly treated her poorly as a child. My daughter seems to hate me and I can't understand why? I've asked her if we could seek therapy, a minister or anything where we can have a family and will agree sometimes then only attack me another. I told her being divorced and without brothers and sisters and a elderly mother ( mine), I really wish to be with her as we did when I was married. She was raised knowing how much I loved people and would always invite anyone to our home if they were alone for the holidays. She won't pick up the phone, and now is married ( with a wedding that my mom and I paid for) and her new husband won't call me bk as well. It seems the only reason she calls me is to get something from me, other than that she could care less how much pain I'm in of getting older and maybe never really having a family as I lose her more and more every year. After the wedding; I spent a week at her home ( as they were not going anywhere), I cooked, cleaned, and spent alot of time with my 11 year old grandaughter. She spent the entire week playing this video game; WARCRAFT and would hardly speak to me. We did not do one thing together as my son-in-law worked. While my grandaughter was at school, I simply left her alone. It is now time for THANKSGIVING time again, and I guess another year where I either have to go to homes where people feel sorry for me. I'm sooo embarressed and most of all so crushed. Most likely my message does not mk any sense, as I'm crying and feel so sick to my stomach. I'm wiilling to get any advice as I just can't do this anymore, I feel like disappearring. HELP.
Zealous
You have come to the right place. I welcome you....and I am heartbroken because I can feel your pain. Yes, sometimes I have been so depressed that I have wanted to die....Sometimes it is very hard and is like carrying a cross. But we can stop this.....baby steps Zealous.... you might need to do things that you like, activities, outdoor activities, exercise... having coffee with friends, reading. Remember you had a life before your daughter came to the picture... just get it back. Dont lose hope... I can see that your daughter does see that she has abandoned you and will probably come back to you. Let her see you strong when this happens. Cry all you have to...but then.....back to life.
I wish I could help you more. Some wise women here are awesome and have just the right responses.....I will only offer you to keep you in my prayers. I have a list and I do pray for all our sisters in this forum......especially those in most need.
Love
Dear Zealous,
Welcome, you have found the right place. I know exactly how you are feeling, I have been feeling the same since my older dd cut me out of her life. I miss her and my precious granddaughter so much. You will get lots of support and comfort here from people who are going through the same thing. I know how you feel when you say you are embarrassed to tell people, I am the same, I don't confide my problems to my close friends because they have close happy families, and I am so ashamed of mine. I am not close to my younger dd either, although we do talk and I see them occasionally. They are my only family, have been divorced many years . Since coming here, I feel I am very slowly feeling a little bit better, I don't want to end it all any more. I have up and down days, between grief and anger.
I urge you to read the book "When Parents Hurt" by Joshua Coleman, which someone suggested on this site. It will give you strength and keep coming to WWU.
Take care of yourself...................Jill
Dear Zealous and Jill:
It is a secret that we keep from our friends and for me, my family. My son goes to Europe on vacation and then I hear about it from a brother or sister that he is back. I say, Oh wow, he's back already. I'm thinking, "I didn't even know he was on vacation". I have stopped leaving messages asking for him to call when he has a moment. Except last month when my daughter had the baby, I received calls from brothers, sister, cousins, friends so I left him a message saying that he needs to get over what ever it is that he is brewing about for the sake of the new baby. I told my daughter and she went bonkers that I said this to my son. I told her that how ever I speak to my son is really not up for debate with her. In other words, I don't have to answer to her.
I think more and more it is best to play the neutral side of this. My husband might not talk to the kids for 6 months and when he does he just chit chats about nothing. Asks how they are and they think his is the best since sliced bread. So, now that this bell has gone off and we are back from the trip. I left with no expectations that because she has a baby, she will change into this loving person. To really put some closure on your question: "When do you give up on a daughter that hates you?" is to REALIZE that it is her loss and a sad one at that. There are so many people in need of nurturing and help. Volunteering is what I am looking into to help women who do not have the computer and business skills that I can help with. We all have something to offer our fellow human being and if the children we gave birth too might not be the fortunate ones to be graced by all that we have to offer then we will find satisfaction in JUST giving to the ones who need.
I feel that I am finally going to be moving on with my life. The birth of the baby proved to me that this pure little person is not going to be a pawn that my daughter will use to control me. It is time to think of yourself and the people in your life that think about you.
Quote from: dablacks on November 12, 2010, 07:43:23 AM
Dear Zealous and Jill:
It is a secret that we keep from our friends and for me, my family. My son goes to Europe on vacation and then I hear about it from a brother or sister that he is back. I say, Oh wow, he's back already. I'm thinking, "I didn't even know he was on vacation". I have stopped leaving messages asking for him to call when he has a moment. Except last month when my daughter had the baby, I received calls from brothers, sister, cousins, friends so I left him a message saying that he needs to get over what ever it is that he is brewing about for the sake of the new baby. I told my daughter and she went bonkers that I said this to my son. I told her that how ever I speak to my son is really not up for debate with her. In other words, I don't have to answer to her.
I think more and more it is best to play the neutral side of this. My husband might not talk to the kids for 6 months and when he does he just chit chats about nothing. Asks how they are and they think his is the best since sliced bread. So, now that this bell has gone off and we are back from the trip. I left with no expectations that because she has a baby, she will change into this loving person. To really put some closure on your question: "When do you give up on a daughter that hates you?" is to REALIZE that it is her loss and a sad one at that. There are so many people in need of nurturing and help. Volunteering is what I am looking into to help women who do not have the computer and business skills that I can help with. We all have something to offer our fellow human being and if the children we gave birth too might not be the fortunate ones to be graced by all that we have to offer then we will find satisfaction in JUST giving to the ones who need.
I feel that I am finally going to be moving on with my life. The birth of the baby proved to me that this pure little person is not going to be a pawn that my daughter will use to control me. It is time to think of yourself and the people in your life that think about you.
Dear dablacks,
You were talking about your husband chit chatting with your son? That's what my husband does and they love it. No asking them anything personal, which, now that I think about it, shouldn't be done anyway and that's what mine know I'll do. I need to know the "feelings". This doesn't work so I'm going to need to find someone to show me how to chit chat.
Welcome Zealous,you just made the first and best step for yourself.I can feel your pain and heartbreak.The rejection,bad treatment and disrespect from our children cuts so deep.You have found a wonderful place for support and guidance.You dont have to deal with this by yourself.Just knowing that there are other people going thru this kind of heart break helps so much.keep coming back and posting,we are here for you.
Sending hugs and prayers
dablacks,what you said about................when you REALIZE it is her loss,is so true.I use to think how much i was missing out on.But then it hit me..........they are the ones missing out,it is their loss.
Z - Welcome. I found in my situation that when I really wanted something better for myself, I found ways to give it to me. Sending love...
Thanks for sharing the light! Sending love...
Rose,
I can really relate to what you said about 'mothers make easy targets" never thought of that before. Also that your dd doesn't respect weakness, have also read that our sons don't either. I think my son has acted in hostile ways to shock and hurt and then feeling
"one up" when I react.
Hello Rose,
Your story was heartwarming and sincere. Yes, what a difference a day makes.
I just purchased the book:
"When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don't Get Along"
Joshua Coleman; Hardcover; $6.95
This book was recommended on this site. I am sorry I do not remember who gave the recommendation, it was from one of many wise women I am getting to know. The response touched me enough to write down the book and author. Amazon was pretty cheap and worth it to help in dealing with the heart break that I am suppressing at all times.
Barely and Momin: thank you so much for your responses and of course to everyone. The feedback is the best medicine a gal could have.
TGIF ~ Plant just one happy thought for this weekend. Where I live the weather is 72 degrees. Lots of roses still alive to trim.
[quote author=dablacks link=topic=1073.msg22647#msg22647 date=1289587105]
TGIF ~ Plant just one happy thought for this weekend. Where I live the weather is 72 degrees. Lots of roses still alive to trim.
[/quote]
I am going to trim my rose , just what I needed to do today...for my sanity. Thankyou.
By the way what does TGIF mean
Thank God It's Friday! (Since I have been retired for 23 years...no biggie for me!) 8)
dablacks,
Thanks for the book recommendation, it's been ordered & is heading my way.
It's a beautiful day here, I'm heading out to prune some roses now... : )
Rose
Where the heck are you? Or is that classified info? I'm looking (in WA state) at dark, damp, cold and bleak.) Outside of that, it's lovely! 8) )
That's sounds lov-er-ly! A sunny day is about a week away according to our weather lady I have my shades ready! 8)
Kirk writes, "it's a little cool today, mom...it only 81 degrees." And I want to disown him...(or move to Hawaii.) They don't like the hot, humid summers so come here...thank goodness...but they wear long johns. ;D ;D
Luise,
Dh & I spent time vacationing in Seattle several years ago. I wanted so much to see Mt. St. Helen's! We finally did, as we flew over heading back toward home! It didn't matter nearly so much though, after we stopped at a roadside stand & learned all there is to know about Rainier cherries! :D
Rose
;D ;D ;D The first 5 times my sister came here to visit I kept proudly saying that the Cascade Mountains were over this way and the Olympic Mountains were over that way...and Mt. Baker to the left and Mt. Rainier to the right were spectacular! And she kept saying..."Oh, sure! Right!" ;D ;D ;D Then she came the 6th time when the clouds had lifted and the sun was out...and fell in love!!
;D We can relate with your sister, only we were flying solo using a map. I don't recall the man's name; a guy who used to give painting classes on the PBS channel. It was during our time in Seattle that I learned those little "happy trees," as he called them, truly existed. I fell in love with those little "happy trees..."
Tell us about the little "happy trees," please. :)
Luise - the painter was Bob Ross, I'm sure you can imagine him with his big circle of hair. If you google his name and happy trees, you'll see.
Thank you! :)
Oh, Bob Ross, I spent many a Saturday afternoon enjoying his show. He was the most calming person to watch paint. :D
He's like the adult version of Mr Rogers
Oh, Mr. Rogers, he was the only TV show that kept my son in place for 30 minutes. He is missed.
I'm new as of today :) After reading many post I realize I'm not alone ----my daughter, as like many daughters written about on this site, has disowned me:(
I have other daughters that love me and do not understand what her problem is, but all the same, my heart aches for her love.
Like many Mothers here, I gave and gave and gave to that girl, more than the others, as she was 'high maintenance' and seems to always be in need.
I too and trying to rack my brain as to what I did to deserve her anger?
I tried writing her, that did not go anywhere.
I'm stepping back a bit. BUT what hurts is she just had her 4th child, I was there and cut her little cord! Anyway, so much to say.....so nice to be here among other hurting moms.
Oh, and I have a sister that is ignoring me also. geez, is it my deodorant?? lol
Welcome Little one. You came to the right place and will find much support and comfort here.
Yup, welcome "home." We tend to "clutter it up with logic." By that, I mean there often is none. Sending love...
Dear Little Me,
Welcome, you will find a lot of support here from all the wise women. My odd has shut me out of her life, and I am not close to my ydd, so I know how you feel. It is good to know that so many people understand and care.
Best wishes....Jill
Hello Little one,
You will find peace and comfort on this site. I can not be more thankful that I have found this group of wonderful, insightful women.
Welcome & Happy Thanksgiving. We have a lot to be thankful for.
:)
Welcome little me to our little slice of insanity ;D. Take comfort in knowing there are people here that really understand what you are going through.
Dear Friend, Hello, I do not believe you did anything wrong, for I am also going thru the same thing except with 2 sons. And it does hurt, so I feel your pain. You must just let go-for the more you try to hold on-the deeper the wounds fester. Let go. and when she needs you she will be back, or when ever-she will be back. We all do the best we can being a single parent--we are never perfect. And someday they to shall grow up and find this out as well.
just let go and let god. Peace...
Quote from: AZGMA on November 11, 2010, 08:19:17 AM
What I did to heal my wounds from having a son who feels like that was to let him know I love him and am there for him should he decide he wants me in his life, but it is simply too heartbreaking to do so continuously. I stopped sending gifts, leaving phone messages, etc. I truly have no idea what his resentment is based upon. I even raised his emotionally disturbed son (a different story); part of it I am sure is guilt, but his brother tells me it is from earlier in life. I do allow myself to occasionally grieve again, but had to build joy into my life from other sources.
His stepmother gives me regular updates about him, he lives near his father, but in many ways my son is a stranger to me. Recently, after almost 15 years of non-relationship, he has "friended" me on facebook, at the urging of a new girlfriend. It gives me the chance to make the occasional comment about ways I am proud of his achievements. He does not comment on my posts. He will turn 40 next summer; I am 69.
I feel your pain, and all I can say is that you have a life beyond this daughter, and you deserve to make it a happy one. Blessings.
I am rushing a quick reply that came to mind. It was another post some time back where a parent got into hot water by posting positive comments...do you understand the logic there???
This person unfriended the parent because she was embarrased. That could happen to you, then you will never see what is going on in your son's life. Is haveing you on his facebook another way to torture your feelings. just be wary. Hope ;you don't mind my unasked for input. Just thinking of you.