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Another stressful holiday starting with Thanksgiving when my four children, ex, and I put names in a hat and pick names for secret santa, and we all buy gifts for the 2 grandkids. Right in front of me my ex went to my son in law took the name he chose and took my son in law's. My son in law said nothing. I knew right then the x picked my name and didn't want it. Sure enough it came time for me to open my gift and it was from the sil so i said it was not a surprise because i saw their dad give my name away. Well you should have heard the three girls just trashing me for saying anything, they sounded like a choir of scolding. Christmas dinner somehow my OD was talking about a couple they knew talking about their poor parenting discipline wise and somehow it got insinuated i spanked them and i found myself defending myself and oh that OD looks across the table at the MD with one of their looks like they know something and Im delusional. I was beat as a child so i vowed never to hit my kids AND I DID NOT! I am not saying i did not have bad days with 4 kids and was impatient and even raised my voice but i did not hit them, even when my YD at 16 shoved me against a wall i just made her leave and spend the nite at a friend's. The YD got the x for secret santa and she bought him booze which i am sure he asked for. The OD did the same thing last year.  I went to
Alanon for 6 years and counseling for three to cope with the x's daily drinking while we were married so i know i am sensitive about it. I mean i wont hear from my girls all year and ive stopped calling because they never answered but still i fool myself if i keep showing up it will get better. I mean we've been divorced almost 5 years how long are they going to blame me, he gave me no choice because when i told him i couldnt take his drinking anymore and wanted to leave he met with my kids and told them i was mentally ill and those stupid kids out of tohe house to college took his bait. I wantsobad to walk away but i adore my grandkids. As it is i have to make formal arrangements to see them and i drive 6 hours to do it. I have no intention of looking like their victim but i feel like e mailing them my feelings about their insinuation that i hit them . I asked.my son in front of them you know what he said "i dont remember being spanked but i dont remember not being spanked." He's afraid to rock the boat. I am hurting.

Can you dear people help me forgive myself for sending the e mail (I copied and include below in quotes). I was feeling terrible since Mother's Day and my birthday the day before. I have a DS who I have a good open relationship with but he does not want to be involved because of his 3 DS's because it puts him in the middle. My girls have not really had anything to do with me since I left their dad in 2007 because of daily drinking. Most recently my youngest DD told me she does not want a relationship with me and the 3rd DD just tells me how pathetic I am when I try to explain my feelings. I lost my job about the time I left my husband because he fell on his face at Thanksgiving 2007. I've had a terrible time finding a job and it's caused me to have to move around a bit and now I live about 5 hours from all of them. My oldest DD has 2 children whom I adore and so I kiss her feet to be able to see my grandkids and I drive there about every month or so but have to arrange in advance and this DD is very cool towards me. I promise you that I was a hands on, loving mom who gave them everything that I could. If I had had more resources I would have given them even more. Three of them have master's degrees and the youngest a Bachelors. Everytime I try to express how I feel about being left out they make me feel like I'm terrible. The response to the e mail I sent was one DD told me she doesn't have time to send out gifts or cards and the youngest just ignores me. I feel bad today because I should not have sent this e mail but it was after 5 months of hearing nothing from them. I try to give them space and not call because they ignore my calls and I was hoping they might miss me. I have to realize they do not love their mother. How does that happen? They feel sorry for their dad and he's the "sane" one of course even though he's got bad health due to booze and cigarettes. I've written on this site before and read it all the time as it is so helpful. Can anyone tell me honestly, I should not have sent that e mail should I? I sent it last night and today I am so upset with myself.


"I was hoping to get a birthday or mother's day card - no gift of course, just some acknowledgment. I've had expectations and it has led to a lot of disappointment. Which has led to just an awful situation. No mom, especially me, ever imagined this is how my efforts as a mom would turn but I accept it. Completely. I know I was there for you every day. I will never do that to you, I will always acknowledge your birthdays even if you ignore those acknowledgments and I hope your children never reciprocate this to you. Ah, you'll be better than me as a mom you say, yes I said that too. I did way better than I received and I hope that you can do that for your kids too. Your father and I are no longer on speaking terms and it is very uncomfortable for me to be around all of you but you will see me because of my grandchildren - they are everything to me as your children will be. If you interpret this is guilt giving it was not me intention. I feel very sad but push the feelings away because I really want to spend these last years just really happy and doing things for me. I've always lived up to what everyone else expected of me. Don't ever do that. On Mother's day I saw two ladies here at the complex I live in torn up because they didn't hear from their kids on Mother's Day and I thought no, not me, not going there.  I took myself out to a nice dinner on Mother's Day."

There it is - thank you all so much.

Love, Dedicated Mom