I have 6 children and have always tried to celebrate with gifts and a party, or celebrate Christmasuwbrae with lots of gifts or any holiday. None of my children have ever bought me a gift. Last Christmas morning my family all sat and opened gifts while I sat with nothing to open. They have never got me anything for my birthday or even remembered it. Mother's Day I do my own celebrating because no one in my family sees fit to do so. I am not asking much, but, boy, don't you think they should appreciate me a little more. I am growing so weary of all their asking for everything and never thinking once about their mother.
That is hurtful huh. I have been scratching my own head lately where did I go wrong....I suppose you could always do something different this year and buy yourself some gifts for under the tree and tell the kids you're going to the movies and not doing anything to celebrate. I am considering it myself this year. I know that is a big step though and takes courage. Not sure if I will go through with it but it's on my mind and I just might do it. It's that darn word "change" again that no one likes. ;) Love to you as you go through this difficult time. One thing I found out on this site is we aren't alone! Don't let anyone steal your joy!
One minute I'm OK with all this craziness and want things to carry on status quo....the next minute I might get tearful if I think on it too long....and then I might just get an attitude also thinking, "these kids are self-centered spoiled brats. To heck with them...." haha :P
Welcome to humanity.
Hey Somom-
I'm wondering if you have made it clear to them that you expect gifts back? Or did someone give them the idea that they didn't need to get gifts for you?
Gift giving can get weird. My kids don't normally get me gifts but I've established that I don't really need anything more than an cheerful notice of the day/holiday. When DIL entered the scene, she made DS and YS pitch in to buy a big MD gift basket of bathroom items in a heavy fragrance that I couldn't bear. She told my husband how much she had spent and that she expected a thank-you from me. Geez, I would rather just have a note from DS..
If you still want to celebrate with the kids this year, you could always suggest throwing names in a hat.....but you need to have an even number of names in the hat! ;D then no one goes without a gift and saves money too.
Six children all doing the same thing. They think it's the tradition by now. You do for them, and they don't disappoint you by showing up.
My first thought is stop doing gifts, and see if they notice. Since it doesn't seem they don't want to exchange gifts.
My second thought is practical. Said within a month, then a variation repeated a week or two out:
This year for Mother's Day, I'd love to go out for pancakes.
My birthday is on April first!! I can't wait to open my cards!
If you call them to ask what they'd like for Christmas, then give them a short wish list of a few things you'd like.
If you're already being disappointed, saying what you like out loud, doesn't seem like a much greater risk.
Not that they'll follow it. But it seems worth a try for one year. Then maybe next year you'd feel okay about skipping getting them gifts.
They might very well appreciate you, but don't show it through gifts. Gifts is your "love language" but it may not be theirs. Are they kind to you in other ways besides gifts? Do they call on other days, just to ask how you are doing? Do they accept your invitations to spend holidays with them? Do they come to visit, or invite you to visit?
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I'm with Sassy. I think that they all just assume this is how it's supposed to be at this point. I'm like that with my two. I've specifically told them that they don't need to buy anything for me.
If you can't accept that they are not going to buy for you and just enjoy having them for the holiday, then I would tell them that you want to have them for the holiday, but you aren't going to be doing gifts this year. Just food and a good time together. Or as BG said, ask if they want to play "Dirty Santa" as we call it. Everyone brings a gift, set dollar amount of $10 or $20 dollars, wrapped with no name. We all draw numbers and then #1 goes and picks a gift and opens it. #2 then has the choice of stealing #1's gift or picking a gift from the table. #3 can now steal either #1 or #2's gift or choose from the table. It's so much fun and usually there is one or two gifts that keep getting stolen that everyone wants! You can play it with any amount of people as long as each person playing brings a gift.
Somom, what did you say last year when they didn't get you anything?
Although I dislike Dr Phil, I really do believe his saying that "you teach people how to treat you". So last year, did you just say nothing and have a sad face? Did you kick up a fuss? Did you even MENTION that you hadn't received anything? Because I bet they think "Oh Mom doesn't want / need anything. We've never gotten her anything before and she's never said anything."
So, this year, you're sick of it. Fair enough. But you can't change the rules, and be mad at them about it, without telling them about the rule change. So, this year, I would send out an e-mail to all of them (at the same time, all cc'ed and above board).
Dear Children,
I just wanted to let you know that times are tough and I will only be giving you a small gift each for Christmas this year. I really appreciate your presence for Christmas and I think we should focus our celebration on family, not on gifts. But hey, if you guys decide to do a gift exchange between yourselves, please let me know, I'm in for that!
Love, Mom
You can't change them, you can only change yourself. So do what you have to do, so that if they continue to be themselves, you won't be hurt.
How we think AC should be and how they are often don't look the same at all. We have expectations, hope and dreame and we give it our all. We are totally right in feeling that we deserve better. That said, many of us congratulate ourselves for a job well done and go out get ourselves gifts. We know!! Yup!
Well I think for Christmas you ought to buy a bunch of stuffr yourself, wrap it up and put them under the same tree as all the other gifts. You can put 'from ?' on the tag, or you can put their names ha ha!
Just to make a statement. ;)
Quote from: Eggshelz1 on December 01, 2011, 04:36:56 PM
Well I think for Christmas you ought to buy a bunch of stuff for yourself, wrap it up and put them under the same tree as all the other gifts. You can put 'from ?' on the tag, or you can put their names ha ha!
Just to make a statement. ;)
quoted myself to edit....sorry. Still haven't figured out how to edit a post......don't hurt me now!
I would start a new gift tradition. Find a wonderful poem that would be of interest to each one, print it up, put it in a box, wrap it up and let them open that.
Make one for yourself as well......then everyone will have something under the tree......then........wait for the after Christmas sales and spend the money you would have spent on them on yourself. Get the store to gift wrap it. Enjoy.
Next year give them all "Star Wars" quotes or poems. Maybe some day they will clue in that reciprocation means they should bring you a gift too, without you giving them an invitation to do so, if not you can print up some of Shakespeare's works for the next 20 years.
May the force be with you,
KG
What a bunch of great ideas to ponder on!
(Did I tell you all how I really really like this site?? ) ;)
One Christmas, one of my SIL's was so aggravated with her two kids that she said all they were getting was a Christmas card. And, that is what they got. I don't think it was over her not getting presents, but she made her point. Next year, it was Christmas as usual.
Last year (or was it the year before? Has it been that long since I joined?) I posted that my friends who also suffer from "no gifts for mom" syndrome and I have been known to buy our own gifts to put under the tree or in our stockings (I know, I know, but my AC insist on continuing the stocking tradition.) I started doing so when my children were still little the one year we had a big destination Christmas with DF & SM, and I was the only one who got nothing. It made DH feel horrible, and the kids cried! So I started filling my own stocking, then DH & the kids started making sure I had something. My friends do the same; hey, we always get what we want!
I remember watching gifts being opened at Val's kids homes. We sat there and "oohed and aahed" for hours. We were given one nice gift to share and that was it. Val got so he didn't like the drive or the long event, maybe 5 or 6 years ago, so we started staying home. Cards dwindled, gifts dwindled, decorations dwindled. Two years ago was our last Christmas together before he entered nursing. I was in a wheelchair (broken ankle with three inch screws installed to hold it together) and I was still operating as his care giver from there. And last year was my first one alone in my life.
Things change as the years pass. This year I have outside lighted decorations that I put up my self and just one lighted, fiberoptic sleigh on my mantle with cute ceramic raindeer for my inside decorations. I have a stocking hanging hopefully on my door. Today my news letter was in it. LOL! My sort of son, Bill, is coming up here to have dinner with me and to visit Val on Christmas day and then he is taking me back over the mountains on the 31st to have New Years Eve (plus a late Christmas) with my sort of daughter, Sonja. Change. Lots to adapt to and lots to be grateful for. Kirk and Sandy are back on Kauai, of course...where they usually do a beach fire with friends...taking their guitars for singing carols (and old Beetle songs.)
Lots of ways to do it.
For me, the time spent with kids and making a big deal of presents seems like blip on the screen. I've had so many more Christmases in my life without my kids than with them so I'm used to just putting the holiday together each year however I want.
I'm not big on decorating the house beyond some outside lights but I really like to go out to seasonal events and see the decorations there. I don't really want more stuff since I'm in the process of getting rid of things. A nice meal and a good hike or a walk in the snow is enough for me.
D. Sounds good to me. Satisfying. Real. Sending love...
Doe, sounds good to me too. Every year I do less and less :) I figure if I drop one or two things every year they'll never notice until it's just me in front of the fire reading a new book and drinking a cup of cheer, lol.
Doe, I like the sound of your holidays! We don't do much by decorating other than tree, stocking and some lights, mainly for DD's benefit. I like holidays to be low key and relaxing.
You could buy yourself a gift in a BIG box, wrapped up really nice, put your name on it and address it from Secret Admirer. After you open it, you could say, "Oh, wow, someone remembered me this year!"
How about telling all of them that instead of buying gifts this year, you want to donate the money to those who have nothing? Tell them about how while you all are sitting around a tree there are people who are homeless and hungry, right here in America, including children.
Everyone can choose a favorite charity, and donate to that instead of buying gifts.
Or you can just surprise them and instead of a present, give them a gift card acknowledging that you've made a donation in their name - some charities do that.
Instead of buying gifts for ungrateful people who don't reciprocate, you can do something that will help people and make yourself feel good. And it minimizes the over-commercialization of Christmas, too.
Beautiful!
Sometimes the givers are just not considered receivers by thoughtless people. It doesn't mean they do not love you. It just means they are self-centered and think that your pleasure is in the giving. It's a sad thing but they will understand some day when they are in your position.
Pen, we still do stockings in our house! Lol...if YS didn't get a stocking, he would be sorely disappointed. I buy him some nice gifts every year, but I think he gets more excited over all the little toys and candy in the stocking! So YS, SD, DH and myself still get one!
I guess I have went the other way this year. Knowing that it would just be me, DH and YS the last couple of years, we only did a tree. I missed everything and this year, went more festive, decorating all kinds of things, the mantle, the stairway, a huge tree, little things here and there and the gingerbread houses. Decorated some outside and I feel 100% better every morning, walking down the stairs and seeing all the cheer! DH loves it too so it is for us! Who cares if anyone else sees it, or likes it for that matter. It makes us feel good to see it.
dvg, that is a wonderful idea and one we implemented this year. Just a word of warning, some people will *not* take this well at all. If you do try to do something like that I suggest just doing it without a discussion. Just my experience with it