WiseWomenUnite.com

Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: cremebrulee on December 11, 2009, 07:51:48 AM

Title: Venting
Post by: cremebrulee on December 11, 2009, 07:51:48 AM
I just wanted to say....upon sharing stories about our inlaw problems...we talk about it over and over as we go over and over in our heads on the situations that have happened, trying to make some sense of it all. 

I have repeated my story many times...and I hope, while writing this story on many sites...there were some MIL's who went, "Hey, my DIL does and acts the same way!"

So, when people come into a thread and hammer you about not getting on with it...ignore it...again, remember, unless they go thru it, they will never understand, besides, it must easier to critisize...one cannot imagine the hurt...and how it changes your character, your trust, takes away the innocense...makes you feel like evey move you make must be first screened before you talk...

So, all we can do, is share stories, and hope some of us learn from the stories...it does shed light.  I remember the first time a MIL wrote me privately and said....

Hey, my DIL acts the very same way....and we started sharing stories...and it makes logical sense...

These women who do start this trouble between families run along the same kind of pattern...they are abusive, jealous, bullies, very insecure, immature, and really have know nothing but chaos in they're lives, therefore, they're life is the same....think about this...these woman, a lot of times, both MIL's or DIL's have not had much love in their lives...so they hold onto they're sons/husbands the only way...they fight for them....

Me, I won't fight any longer...the more I tried, the harder the rejection was...and the less she liked me....

I can still see her sitting there pretending to like me in front of my son...I wish I had a movie camera to tape her when he wasn't around...I wonder then, what he would feel? 

Someday, sad to say, they're children will grow up and leave...and I hope and pray, they don't do the same thing to them....

Thought I'd start this thread for venting, questions, answers that anyone may have, or just general problems....

Hugs
Creme
Title: Re: Venting
Post by: cremebrulee on December 11, 2009, 01:39:54 PM
Hi Anna,
I'm so sorry that people have to experience this...when you think about it, it all seems so un necessary and foolish doesn't it?
How long has this been going on? 
Title: Re: Venting
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 11, 2009, 01:55:58 PM
I'm not past it either, Anna....having a very bad day.   :'(  Don't know how to get through this.  Such a sad time of year for me and you too.
Title: Re: Venting
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 11, 2009, 02:10:32 PM
20 guests online? 
Title: Re: Venting
Post by: Pen on December 11, 2009, 03:48:09 PM
   We need this place to vent sometimes. No one else really understands; DH feels helpless 'cos he can't fix it, DS is caught in the middle and shouldn't EVER hear how I feel about DIL. Our friends/relatives came to the wedding (well, the few who were allowed by ILs) and I don't want their opinions of DIL or the marriage swayed by my emotions. I have friends who have lost children to illness/accidents and my problem seems ridiculous next to theirs. You guys are it, I'm afraid :P
   I'm terrible at walking on eggshells and second guessing someone all the time. It's very tiring. I also resent being treated like I don't count for you-know-what. Why do DIL & her mom get to be princesses and get their way every time??? Why do I always have to take the leftovers??? They get rewarded for bad behavior over and over again. I have to be quiet and not ruffle feathers. I can't remember who it was on this site who said something about finally going ahead and hugging her DS and calling him honey. I know how she feels! I'm afraid to hug my son. That's pathetic.
Title: Re: Venting
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 11, 2009, 03:55:23 PM
I thank God for every one of you!  What would I do without you?  I am having the worst time of my life right now.  I don't belong anywhere.  I'm so afraid.  DILs, both of them, are so controlling.  CDIL is in her own right, just being so cold to DDIL. It kills me.

Now, DDIL is through, no reaching her. Even after all she's done to us, I guess I don't blame her.  She wanted to be friends with CDIL so much.  CDIL wooed her into her web and acts so cold when she gets her in.  DDIL was trying to make them both against us/me. She never got to do that.

It seems phychotic to me.  I am in a constant state of "where do I belong?"  I guess nowhere.  I'm ending up just like the same little girl not knowing where I was going to live as a child.
Title: Re: Venting
Post by: Pen on December 11, 2009, 04:11:47 PM
Oh, Chickie...I know how you feel. I have no close family other than my DH and kids. I really need to show appreciation for DH, since he's about it now that the kids are grown! I get very weepy when I hear stories of big family togetherness (DIL's family, among others.) All my adult life I dreamed of the big table with everyone gathered 'round, celebrating holidays and milestones. Yes, I'm grateful for what I do have, but I ache for the other.

Please take care of yourself now - massage? Facial? Special treat like tickets to a performance or some other event for you and DH or friends? I'm worried about you.
Title: Re: Venting
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 11, 2009, 04:19:04 PM
Thank you so much....I'm just so sad and I hope I can feel better soon.  I wished for all those things too.  Destroyed by 2 young women.  Don't know what's coming next.  Thank you for caring....
Title: Re: Venting
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 11, 2009, 08:20:34 PM
It's just so weird how on a dime things can change a bit....got an email from CDIL about us all going to see DDIL and son and kids after Christmas.  I am so glad CDIL is making DDIL on her 'to do' list.  I hope she's nice to her and I feel relieved that we are going to see them.  I hope DDIL doesnt' stomp around while we're there either. 

I hope all goes well.  It will, won't it?  I can't stand anyone getting their feelings hurt!  Please!! 
Title: Re: Venting
Post by: cremebrulee on December 12, 2009, 02:10:39 AM
I know how you all feel and what your going thru....
I'm wondering if we could try an exercise...
everytime we become sad about it, lets make a mental list of the things we do have and are thankful for...I know it doesn't sound like much or a great idea...but it does help me....

I'll start...

I'm thankful for having the experience of child birth, for the travel all over the world that I've had the opportunity to do, for my home, for my immediate family and friends...for the suport of this web site and the women in it.  I'm thankful we live in America...still the best country in the world to live in...everytime someone has given of themselves to me, and for being who I am...to be able to feel sorry for those less fortunate then I am...to be able to contribute to my community...for a job, for life itself and for thankfully having my mom who as such a wonderful person...my best friend. 
Title: Re: Venting
Post by: SunnyDays09 on December 12, 2009, 09:15:28 AM
Anna,

  I have BTDT!!  Be careful what you wish for.  Let go.  For your own sake. 
  My hope for you is that things cool down enough for you not to care any
more about her at all.  Good or bad. 
   I do understand.  But rise above it all or it will affect you in ways you
never imagined.  And in a way, she will have won.   Don't waste any
more emotions - good or bad - for she does NOT deserve it.  Really.
  Take it from someone who knows.
   I recently have begun after five years of no contact to ask Jesus to
forgive her and her family and to bless them.  But in my heart, I could
never ever trust them ever ever again.
ââ,,¢Â¥

OOOPs. I am thankful for my health, my family, all the blessings God has bestowed - for I am truly blessed. 
   I am thankful I am not miserable.  For there was a time awhile ago I felt so bad.  Not anymore.   
   I am thankful my problems of late are small and that I can be helpful to someone. 
   
Title: Re: Venting
Post by: Pen on December 12, 2009, 09:29:40 AM
Love the posts reminding us what we are thankful for. I have friends who have lost health care, jobs, houses, children, and marriages recently. I'm thankful for my DH who sees what we're up against and will not allow us to become victims; DS who still has the cajones to back us up when DIL gets snooty; employment and housing in these scary times; DDD finding a better living situation.

Maybe it's the momma lion in all of us - we want to protect our families against invaders. I can take DIL's snarkiness towards me (even though it hurts) but when she says things about DDD (dear disabled daughter) I must defend my cub. Lately DIL has been willing to visit, which is a start towards a more normal relationship, but in the back of my mind always is what she's said about us and especially DDD, and I have a hard time completely letting go and moving on.
Title: Re: Venting
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 12, 2009, 12:36:28 PM
Dear Happy,
What is BTDT?  I'll worry all day about it....I have obsessions ;D

I'm sure I have it too. :(  Is it contagious?  If it is, it means that accidentally, I'll give it to one of the grandkids and be blamed for it.  :P
Title: Re: Venting
Post by: cremebrulee on December 12, 2009, 02:41:28 PM
Quote from: HappyDays09 on December 12, 2009, 09:15:28 AM
Anna,

  I have BTDT!!  Be careful what you wish for.  Let go.  For your own sake. 
  My hope for you is that things cool down enough for you not to care any
more about her at all.  Good or bad. 
   I do understand.  But rise above it all or it will affect you in ways you
never imagined.  And in a way, she will have won.   Don't waste any
more emotions - good or bad - for she does NOT deserve it.  Really.
  Take it from someone who knows.
   I recently have begun after five years of no contact to ask Jesus to
forgive her and her family and to bless them.  But in my heart, I could
never ever trust them ever ever again.
ââ,,¢Â¥

OOOPs. I am thankful for my health, my family, all the blessings God has bestowed - for I am truly blessed. 
   I am thankful I am not miserable.  For there was a time awhile ago I felt so bad.  Not anymore.   
   I am thankful my problems of late are small and that I can be helpful to someone. 


oh Girl, it's good to see you and excelelent advice....

Hugs
Title: Re: Venting
Post by: just2baccepted on December 14, 2009, 04:59:16 PM
Quote from: penstamen on December 11, 2009, 04:11:47 PM
Oh, Chickie...I know how you feel. I have no close family other than my DH and kids. I really need to show appreciation for DH, since he's about it now that the kids are grown! I get very weepy when I hear stories of big family togetherness (DIL's family, among others.) All my adult life I dreamed of the big table with everyone gathered 'round, celebrating holidays and milestones. Yes, I'm grateful for what I do have, but I ache for the other.

Please take care of yourself now - massage? Facial? Special treat like tickets to a performance or some other event for you and DH or friends? I'm worried about you.

Me too, I don't have much family either.  So I know what you're going through.
Title: Re: Venting
Post by: cremebrulee on December 17, 2009, 09:48:44 AM
Generally I'm pretty strong willed and can deal with this all, but today I'm weak, and I could just sob...it's been tough the past week...it's Christmas, and I know, that I'm getting older, and nothing is ever going to change...my DIL is way to selfish to change...or even try to make a go of it...I miss my son terrible, miss who he was...miss my grand daughter as much...I have not seen either one of them, now for 4 years...it's been awful....

I'll never forgot one Christmas eve...the day before my son called and said, they'd be over with my Grand daughter to open her gifts Christmas eve, but he never asked her about it...

We all met at my mom's house...they bought in gifts for me...and I said, "What's this?"  he says, ohhhhh we thought we'd give you your gifts here, we're not coming over tonight....I was so hurt....so hurt....I had made something really special for my Grand daughter...so what do they do...on Christmas Day they march in and stay only an hour, open they're gifts and leave....and that's how it has been all these years...when we were seeing each other it was always courtesy visits...45 minutes to an hour if that, and then leave....

It is very difficult to ignore all this and not dislike her....and him...my own son? 

I'll tell you what also hurts...his step mother used to hit him and say awful things to him when he was little...well, they are still married, and he feels like this is his family...I don't blame him for wanting a family, but in lieu of all this, she has gravitated him towards them....and forgotten or tried to forget who I am....and was to him...he even calls his step mother mom....that really hurts.  I could understand if I were dead and gone...and I could even understand if she were a nice person....do you know the last time I saw her what she said to me...?

She goes...."Creme", when you were down there visiting them...did DIL go to work? " and she always bates me like this, but I said, "No why"....she says..."Well, when we were there, DIL went to work and we had GD all to ourselves".  God, did that cut deep...I just walked away....his step mother was so cruel to him...and when I make mention of it....b/c his wife hates me so much, but allows him to have a relationship with them...he makes excuses for his step mom and gets angry at me for saying anything....

I feel like I'm no good right now...I feel worse then worse, like it was me who slapped him across the face again and again...or me that screamed at him, grabbing his arm pushing him around, saying, "do you know your father's sick b/c of you" to a 7 year old little boy?  I took it to court, fought them legally and obtained not only legal custody, but also made certain on the visits with his father he was not alone with her.  He asked me once, saying, Mommie, I don't want to go live there, what will we do if we don't win this?"  I said, then we have to make a decission to gether to leave until all this blows over...and I would have...no one, but no one was going to beat up my son....do you know I took him to the school counselor, and the school principle was on my side...there was definate evidence of child abuse. 

Then, my son tells me, later on in life..."Do you know my dad and step mom almost got a divorce because of me?"   >:(  I said,
Son, it wasn't b/c of you, it was because of her...she made the problem, not you...to this day, he says, well I was wrong to, maybe I was jealous of my dad's attention towards her back then?  Do you know that child had exima so bad, that when he'd return from a weekend with them, it would be really bad...all broken out again?  Do you have any idea the fear I went though...the heartache, that someone was slapping my child across the face, and breaking down his confidence? 

I just cannot believe my son, has turned on me like this...not to mention, his friends still stay in contact with me...visit me...our home was the home that all his friends came to....

I even wrote they're minister about this situation not to long ago.  I liked him when I visited they're church and really thought he came across very honest and realistically...so I wrote him, hoping maybe he'd talk to her and make some sense of it all to them....I don't know if he did or not...or if he even told them I wrote him?  Talk about desperation huh?  What this has made me myself stoop to....

I feel so embarrassed, so lost, so empty and like I'm a drunk or something awful...like a really bad person....



Title: Re: Venting
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 17, 2009, 10:11:41 AM
Dear Creme,
I am SO sorry that this has happened to you!  You don't deserve this.....this is piling on by horribe people.  They get their thrills by doing this.  Imagine getting your "thrills" by hurting a Mother?  Life will not be kind, in the end, for them.

I know that both of us and many others on the site, react to a slap in the face by retreating in silence.  We'd never dish out hatefulness and are shocked when others do. 

I hope you know that you are in my heart!! I want you to know that.  Tomorrow will come...right now, these Holidays are staring us in the face and you know that strong hurts just linger in our memories.  You will get past this, I just know you will. 

Keep strong; let's don't take any abuse anymore.  We are not to be treated like that!!! I know how different it feels when it's your own flesh and blood allowing the abuse.  Oh!! It wounds to the core.

Too much water under the bridge!!  I have a situation of someone I know who is being sued by her DIL.  The reason?  "Grievances".

She is stating that the MIL and FIL are making her children love them more than her. She is heartbroken!!  Nothing could be further from the truth with this wonderul long time resident in our town.  She cries all the time too.  There's no end to the hits we sometimes take.  The sad part of this is that the son divorced the nutcase so I guess he can't deal with her either.  (I guess it's not really the 'sad part', good for him)

Creme, I am so worried about you!!!!  Stay with us during these holidays!  We can get through anything if we stay together.  :)
Title: Re: Venting
Post by: cremebrulee on December 17, 2009, 10:20:57 AM
Thanks so much Chickie, I feel the same for everyone here....
thanks for your concern, but please dont' worry about me....as I said, the hurt never goes away...some days are good, some are not so good....

but I'm thankful to know you and all the girls here and to my dear friend who told me about his site....

Hugs to you all...
Creme
Title: Re: Venting
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 17, 2009, 10:24:39 AM
I love you, Cremebrulee...don't you forget that.  Heart to heart :)
Title: Re: Venting
Post by: luise.volta on December 17, 2009, 01:07:02 PM
What a beautiful thread. I'm going to sit down and write a list of the things I am thankful for; starting  with the electric wheelchair that was lent to me.
Title: Re: Venting
Post by: cremebrulee on December 18, 2009, 05:35:10 AM
I was just wondering...Ladies, have you noticed...that whenever your sons calls you, it's always when he is not around his wife?  All these years, my son never called me hardly ever around her...always on his way somewhere...that speaks volumns doesn't it.

right before the last time I went down to visit them...I was sending him some homes I'd like to go see while there...it was always my dream to move down south, even as a kid...as I hate the cold weather...well, she sends me this email saying, "Creme, are you thinking about moving down here?"......I replied to her yes...?????  Do you know, my son never told her?  And I had no intention of moving anywhere close to them...just wanted to go look at homes, see how they were built, they're locations, to get an idea of prices.

Whenever she and I would be in each other's company, the first thing she would do, is start ragging on me, about giving my GD coke.  You see, when they lived home here for a year, I watched my GD every weekend for them...and every sunday we went to I-hop...I would get her a glass of milk or OJ.  But, apparently, my DIL, asked my 2 year old GD, did you have coke for breakfast?  And what is a 2 year old going to say, but ahhh huh...she didn't remember what she had?????  So, I let her go on and on about this,,,,it's her way of putting me down. 





Title: Re: Venting
Post by: Sassy on December 18, 2009, 12:07:01 PM
Creme, I'm so sorry you're struggling right now. The holidays are the hardest time of year.   Memory and melancholy and broken hearts.  I feel a lot of sadness right now too. 

I wish we could make holiday plans to be with my MIL!!!  I wish even just my husband could be with her, even for a few hours.   This is not the family togetherness I envisioned.  He gets so upset every time he tries to call or see her, because she just wants to talk about me.  He will ask her not to slag on his wife, or change the topic,. But then after a few minutes she does it again from another angle.  I feel so bad for him.  He doesn't want to see her right now, because he feels so disrespected and overwhelmed by her.  He would love to call or see her and talk about her going-ons, their shared past holiday memories, people in common, his career.  Anything but how she feels I am depriving her.

I asked him if we could go out to dinner with her, try a visit in a neutral place.  I am probably able to handle her displays of emotion better than he can, at this point.  This is something I still want, very much.   He called her and he said right off she started asking about what he bought me for Christmas.  She asked him how much he planned to spend on my gifts, asked him what we were buying my family.  He said "I'm calling for you, Mom. Let's talk about you."  She told him that since he and I were "one" now that asking about me should be the same as asking about him.  He ended the call without inviting her.   

It would be so much better if we had magic powers and could just "change" what someone else says.  He told me he gets chest pains as soon as she starts in, with every call!  That's when I feel bad for suggesting he call her to try again.  And I have to ask, am I asking him to do that for him, for her, or for me.

My family is very laid back and informal.  He is very comfortable with them.  But seeing them, and not his mother, tinges everything with sadness.  And grief.  He is mourning.  I have guilt even enjoying my family.  So I suggest my husband give himself chest pains to possibly relieve my own guilt.  It doesn't work.

I don't know what your son's calling habits are with other people.  But to me it seems many young people, especially modern men make most of their phone calls while on their way somewhere!   The more I think about your observation, the more accurate it is.  The only time I talk to my sister is when she's going somewhere or while she's at the market.   As I reflect on your words, I realize I also don't place or take many social calls when I'm with my husband.  Between work and other obligations, we don't get much actual time together.  That's when we focus on each other.    Unless he's watching football.  Even then I go in another room to laugh and chat and not talk at someone else in front of someone. 

We all just take it a bit at a time.   Right now I wish we could just meet for a bite.  I could see one of her many christmas sweaters and sparkly hats.   She has a very loud laugh, which I miss.   I could handle some tears, I could handle some jealousy.  I could even handle a call from DH's Aunt afterwards telling us what we said or did wrong to upset her.    DH can't handle any of that right now.  He is going to meet with our Minister this weekend (weather permitting).   So maybe soon he will.

Thank you for the vent thread.  I feel better, more hopeful.  Creme I hope you some parts of your holiday are relaxing and warm.  Its those moments that get us through the tough ones.
Title: Re: Venting
Post by: cremebrulee on December 18, 2009, 02:15:44 PM
Sassy,
your an exceptional woman....your post bought both saddness and admiration...I wish so much for your hubby and you, that things work out...yanno, the old saying "life is easy, we make it hard" well, your MIL is her own worst enemy...I'm glad your hubby is going to meet with your minister...but it worries me that he gets chest pains when he phones his mom...

If I may say so, I know in your soul of souls you want what is best for him and his mother...please don't ever feel guilt because of her thoughts and reactions...she is one very mixed up woman...I pity her, b/c of all she is missing...

its nice that you encourage him to keep in contact with her...but, if it causes him so much pain...maybe he should take a break.  One thing you might want to consider suggesting to him....tell him, everytime she starts in about you...tell him to end the conversation immideatly, or to leave immediately...tell her, Mom, I love you, but I won't talk about my wife with you, or have you berating her...and then say, we'll talk another time...and then tell him to take a break from her for awhile...and if he calls her again, and she starts, to to the same thing, end the conversation immediately....it's a form of training without harsh words...sooner or later she'll get the idea...and hesitate bringing anything negative up...if she says something nice, then tell him to reward her, to point out to her, saying, mom, that was a nice thing to say, and I love you for that....thank you.... tif she doesn't get the idea, she never will....

Thank you for your kind words...yes, it's the holidays and as most of you know, this aches to have this bad blood going on wityhin our families...but this to shall pass dearheart...it is what it is...and all we can do is endure and learn what we can from it and pray for those who hate us so...

My best to you and yours for a joyous holiday season.



Title: Re: Venting
Post by: SunnyDays09 on December 19, 2009, 08:22:42 PM
BTDT is Been There, Done That!   ;D ;D ;D


luise!!  hoping for a speedy recovery!!  Be careful driving that. 
Title: Re: Venting
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 20, 2009, 01:18:23 PM
I was just looking at this, HappyDays,
What do you mean, Been there, Done that?  All the things we talk about on here...is it that you've been through all of them?

How did you get to the other side?  Would love to know....
Title: Re: Venting
Post by: luise.volta on December 20, 2009, 06:56:53 PM
H/D you are right, this wheelchair will go up to 8.5 MPH and will climb curbs. If you make a mistake, it's a lethal weapon and can turn on you.  The other side of the coin is if I had to do what I'm doing in a manual wheelchair on carpet... I would have dissolved into helplessness and hopelessness long ago.

Lot of lessons here...and I miss you guys!!!

Have my wonderful an ex-DIL coming tomorrow...bringing lunch and a lighted wreath for the front porch. No decorations and no gifts this year...I have to use my energy where it's most needed which is in care giving.

Actually, we're doing well.  :)
Title: Re: Venting
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 20, 2009, 06:59:44 PM
Good to hear from you, Luise...you little speed demon!! ;D

It's so good that you have a good DIL, even if she's an ex..... ;)
Title: Re: Venting
Post by: mom2 on December 20, 2009, 07:00:55 PM
Luise,
The wheelchair is a blessing but don't get caught speeding in it !!!

I am so happy to read that you and your husband are doing well.. makes Christmas a happier time.

                                                                             God Bless
       







Title: Re: Venting
Post by: luise.volta on December 22, 2009, 02:52:09 PM
I go .00001 MPH in this wheelchair and I have still caused mass destruction in this apartment. LOL!
Title: Re: Venting
Post by: 2chickiebaby on December 22, 2009, 03:00:27 PM
Luise, I'm so glad you're back......hope you're doing a lot better.  (speedy :P)
Title: Re: Venting
Post by: cremebrulee on December 22, 2009, 03:27:18 PM
Quote from: luise.volta on December 22, 2009, 02:52:09 PM
I go .00001 MPH in this wheelchair and I have still caused mass destruction in this apartment. LOL!

LOL, Luise...I wish you a speedy recovery..and hope your feeling better...

Title: Re: Venting
Post by: Invisible on December 27, 2009, 05:29:33 PM
I have noticed most older homes are not built to accommodate the width of a wheel chair. Just moving down a hallway or squeezing through door is almost impossible. It makes it darn difficult to get around in confined spaces. I wish you a speedy recovery.