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Thanks all.  My strategy right now really is this:   I'll be parent like (not parenting, just parentlike) in terms of my obligations until he graduates this spring.  I'll pay the bills, I'll show up at parents weekend in February, I'll take him to doctors appointments (if he doesn't have access to care) etc.     

I'll tell him what the family activities will be.  He can participate or not.  I won't spoon feed him, remind him, chase him, etc.    He either finds it in his choice to participate or not.  I'll try not to get angry or react regardless of his choice.

But this is really BS.  But you are all right--I wont give him the satisfaction of seeing me lose my cool over it.  ALl he'll get or see is tepid availability and moving on down the road.

So the update is I get a text from him around 720 that says "sorry I just woke up".   (Which I know isn't true based on his access and useage of the wifi.)       He affirms he has a doctor appt at 9 am tomorrow (which I inquired about via the 1 oclock email). 

Basically I said in response:  Whatever.  I'll be downstairs to take you at 820am.

So he has skulked into the kitchen and is heating up his own leftover dinner.  I'm ignoring him and watching my hockey game.

If it wasn't against  the terms of useage.....I'd call him a name that would get be reprimanded.  But I'm 56 and can control myself.    But it is taking self restraint. 

So we picked DS up at airport last pm.  The usual unfolded:  We ask, he answers, otherwise...nada.   He came in the house, dished himself up a bowl of chili and went to his room.  (This was about 9 pm). 

He hasn't left his room since then.  The room that has the door shut.

Its about 7 pm here now.  Despite sending him an email around 1ish that dinner would be at 6 -- and a text  about 5 -- he's still up there.  We ate without him.  Leftovers will be in fridge.

Yet somehow .....I'm supposed to have no expectations of him as he's an adult.  Really?  Isn't he a guest in my home at this point and shouldn't I have expectations of a guest?

Look, I can adopt the "I'll be a parent and do the parent appropriate thing not for him but for me " through spring when he graduates.     

But if this keeps up......and  I survive his month at home (he goes back on Jan 15) without blowing a gasket, screaming and physically smacking him ......it will indeed be a Christmas miracle.

Just sayin......

Pooh, thanks for your thoughts and you certainly raise good points.  They resonate most with me for the "here and now" and into the future as he is 21 and will graduate from college in 5 months.   He is now an adult--but just barely.    But he is an adult and it is time for me to let the reins go now and let him choose as he chooses without my expectations.  THank you for the reinforcement of that.   

As it relates to my post,  much of the content of my (needed) rant referenced his teenage years and not the now officially adult one.  (He only just turned 21 a few months ago).    And so, I would like to provide some explanation and context.

Yes I looked at his social media from his age of 14 until last year.  When you have a son who is quiet, withdraw, and incredibly to himself and not willfully disclosing anything to his family....you worry.    And if he's gay, you worry a lot.  The rates of gay teen suicide are not insignificant.  Combine that with a medical hypothyroidism issue -- which potentially has  a side effect of depression, although my son has not been diagnosed with that -- you watch and you worry and you pay attention for changes and yes, you look for warning signs.     You could choose to do nothing, bury your head in the sand and hope it turns out OK.    Likely it will.

But then you hear of things like Adam Lanza (the Sandy Hook mass murderer)....and you learn that he had a mother who just didn't intercede and question.  ANd people scream "how could she not have known?  why didn't she care enough to investigate?"         Or James Holmes, in Aurora CO, a brilliant young man with demons that also seemed to have gone unchecked.     I am likely sounding melodramatic, and perhaps hyperbolic to make a point.....if you don' t intercede to find out what is going on, you may miss something very important.     But if you do intercede to find out what's going on, then you risk being accused of stalking, interfering and so on.    SO you make your best choice weighting the pros/cons/risks etc.

And yes, in doing so, I did learn he was engaged in an  on line activity when he ws 19 that was foolish (involving the reposting of porn) and came with some unintended risk (you know nothing about the sources of the pictures, and what if it happens to be an underage individual?).  I made the correct parenting decision to a) tell him I knew; b) tell him how I knew and c) insist he stop.     At 19 he could be held liable as an adult for very serious issues, and I feared he wasn't thinking this one thorugh very well.  He professes he took corrective action as a result.  I hope he did.

WIth this explanation, I hope you understand why I have no parental regrets on doing what I did in these years.  I fully get it saying what I did, it comes with second guessing and  no worries about that -- I did come here looking for advice.    

Thanks, Pen, you gave me hope!  I can handle "no expectations" this Christmas break and even  on an occurrence by occurrence basis (living in the moment, one day at a time where he is concerned). 

But I have to admit it -- right now giving up having hopes and expectations for something better for the rest of my life is just too depressing to contemplate.  I'll hope that 26 or 27 brings a different relationship.

Wise words indeed.   Trying to give myself that same pep talk, thanks for the reinforcing view.   

Another first time poster; thanks for listening to my story.  I've read the required pre-reading before posting, thanks for the forum and the opportunity to express myself.

On one hand, comparatively speaking -- I'm lucky in a lot of ways and I'm grateful for the positives, which are as follows:  My 21 year old son (my only child)  is a senior at a top liberal arts colleges in California.  (We are from Texas).  No known drug usage, and he barely drinks (he says he doesn't really like the taste).   He has never been in any trouble beyond a single speeding ticket.   He's brilliant.   He  has an IQ of 140, he speaks four languages and is majoring in linguistics and cognitive science.   On paper, it's all good.

The problem?  Despite speaking four languages, he can't be bothered to speak or interact with his family.  At all.  He just plain won't speak with us.   He'll answer direct questions using as few words as possible and sharing nothing of any real significance.   He ought to work for the CIA because getting information out of him is impossible!   When he is home, he pretty much stays up all night on the computer, and then sleeps all day.    So that way he avoids interaction with me and my husband (not his dad).    He acts the same way at his dad's house.      Every 3-4 nights he will go out with "friends"  (can't be bothered to tell us who they are) and stay out all pm.  He'll tell us he plans on spending the night out so we won't worry, but we have no idea where he is or who he is with.     He spends so much of his life on the internet , thru internet sleuthing, I find out more about him than he would tell me.  Nothing dramatic was learned,  but he felt like I was "stalking" so he basically blocked me as much as he could (facebook, twitter, etc.)    I told him repeatedly two things:  1) If he puts it on the internet with his name,  he has no rights of real privacy as anyone can read it and 2) if he would share more himself with me, I wouldn't have to resort to sleuthing.    My internet sleuthing did create something of a wedge between us, but the reality is we couldn't be that much more distant anyway.  We also got crosswise this summer when he had a HIV scare.  That's a long story but it involved an entire week of waiting on test  results--I was totally freaking out (he was showing troubling symptoms but the test was ultimately negative, thank goodness).  He seemed blaise the whole time saying the likelihood was quite low--but he admitted a risky behavior to his doctor that precipitated the test.    That's another story--but my "overreaction" (according to him) was yet another wedge between us.  But again--we couldn't be that much farther apart, it just gave him an excuse to be distant vs. being distant without one.

The family background:  His dad and I divorced when he was quite young (2ish), although we shared him 50/50 and were true coparents in his upbringing.   Somewhere around 11 or 12 is when he turned so away from any emotional connection with his family.  So this isn't anything new since college, its been going on for years.   (Yes he is the same way with his dad and his half brother through his dad).    I assumed it had to do with grappling with his sexuality (he is gay, which I have known since he was 6, likely before he knew it)...but he's been "out" since he's 17 and nothing has changed.  He just seems to want to have nothing to do with us.        He isn't disrespectful.  He just doesn't participate at all.  He will do as he is asked  around the house (but nothing more and nothing without direction to do so).  He volunteers nothing.    He doesn't spontaneously call or text.   Yes if its a birthday he'll text and send a present (although someone has always prompted him so he won't forget, for example my husband will text him and say "don't forget your mom's birthday is such and such").

My SIL / her husband came for Thanksgiving dinner.  He was polite to them in terms of answering questions--but other than that, he won't participate in conversation, doesn't ask anyone about themselves, etc.  It feels like he is an emotional and social zygote instead of a brilliant young man. 

His dad and I have both tried so talk to him about this multiple times over the last few years, but it doesn't really change.  He just looks away while we talk to a stone wall, says something like "there's nothing to say", and then just clams up all the more.   THe odd thing is...yes, he has friends.  He is something of a "leader" at school (both in HS and in college).  His grades are always outstanding.  He just seems to want to have nothing to do with his parents and his family.   

Of course going to college half the country away combined with his international summer travels (school sponsored research), makes him physically far away too.    While he's gone, if I text him anything (a picture of the cat doing something funny, a picture of the Christmas tree)--I get no response.  If I text a question, I'll get an answer 2-3 days later.  If I ask him to call me or Skype with me, he generally will, but I'm carrying the conversation 100%.  I ask, he answers--quickly, briefly and without any real information.  If I don't ask him to call, he won't do it on his own spontaneously and I wont hear from him.

It's so hard to have a son you want to have a relationship with and no matter what you put out there--you get absolutely nothing back in emotional response or availability.      He'll be home the week before Christmas and he'll be here in Texas until the middle of January when he goes back to school in Cali.  I am so looking forward to seeing him in theory, but I know that when he gets here, I'll be so frustrated by his distance and lack of engagement that I'll eventually blow a gasket, which will just ensure he stays distant.  But not calling him out on it doesn't get any different response, and at least I feel better getting it off my chest.

Truthfully I feel used.  He has been given everything in life and he's wanted for nothing.  (He also is low maintenance and doesn't ask for anything either.  Which makes it so easy to voluntarily give him things.)  He has no reason to be distant.  His dad and I have bothbeen there for him.  He went to a great private school for 12 years.  I am personally carrying the financial load of that high end liberal college and it isn't cheap.  I'm doing it because of how gifted he is, how important his education is, and it is my responsibility (It's also his dad in my opinion, but dad can't afford it, I can, and because I can--I pay.  Its the type of college that doesn't give scholastic scholarships unless there is financial need--which I'm blessed to not qualify for).    No one thanks me.  Not him, not his dad, etc.  I don't get it.  How can someone who has been so blessed be so oblivious to the basics of family responsibility?   

After working so hard, giving him everything, etc. I always envisioned that I would have a grateful, loving relationship with my son and I simply don't.  I know it could be so much worse and there could be real drama and real problems (drugs, theft, alcohol, abuse, etc.)  There isn't.  I'm grateful that this seems like a "first world problem".   

But this sure isn't how I envisioned my relationship with my son, and I have no idea what to do about it.  I've been a driven executive all my life, someone who can fix problems (and did).  But this is something that I can't seem to change.

Thanks for letting me vent.