Hi gals. :)
Something has been on my mind, as usual all the little stuff is bugging me and I thought I'd put this out there as I've seen multiple posts from MIL's bringing this up as a complaint about DIL's. Please don't be too harsh on me as I'm genuinely curious.
My birthday came around several months after DH and I had gotten engaged, I'll also add that my birthday is just over a week before Christmas. Anyway, on that particular birthday my MIL had given my fdh a gift to give to me for my birthday which when I opened it, was a tacky Christmas decoration, fdh even laughed when he saw it.
My family has never been the type to send thank you notes, instead we will either pick up the telephone and call or even just text for everything. I knew on this occasion I would be seeing her in about a week anyway, at which time I knew a thank you would be expected for the tacky gift, which I honestly intended on doing. However, within a few days my DH was telling me his mother thought that it was rude that I hadn't thanked her for the gift already.
I personally found it pretentious of her to expect a thank you on her terms only. I know my MIL is an extreme, and it should have been a red flag to the fact that I would later find out that everything always had to be on her terms. And as far as sending gifts, I personally never expect a thank you, though its nice to get one, I think it would be pretentious of me to say " I should have received a thank card by now" and judging
someone and holding it against them for not doing so on my terms.
I hope this doesnt sound like I dont have any manners, I was raised to thank people, but generally in person. Even hearing someone's voice on the telephone is more personal than writing IMHO, because you can hear their reactions.
I don't know, maybe I'm wrong.
It just seemed like I was often seeing others write on here that "so and so didn't thank me", I just feel like its nit-picking...thoughts?
I do believe in thank yous very much. I think it is a way to show the other person (whoever that is) that you appreciate being thought of and an acknowledgement of their thinking about you. I don't require a card, in person is just fine. Or a phone call. But I think your MIL was unreasonable to expect that kind of time frame. I have no time frame on the thank you. Well, wait...I guess I kind of do. How about a reasonable time frame? Not immediately but within a few days or couple of weeks. I think in your case, she was very unreasonable about the immediacy of it.
My DIL never thanked me or DH for anything I did for the rehearsal dinner at their wedding (and she wanted a cookout, so we actually did all the grilling and such during the event). She never thanked me for the wedding presents we gave them or any Christmas or birthday presents. I just find it respectful if you don't, and common courtesy to offer someone a thank you.
I also think that if we don't offer thank yous to people, we are portraying that we think we deserve things or that they are expected. I make sure to thank my DH every day for things he does for me. I know it is not necessary, but it makes him smile to know that I appreciate his efforts. And it also makes him continue to WANT to do things for me that are not necessary. We both win.
Hi Sunny and Good Morning
I'm flat out laughing here, not at the situation, but how very conditioned we are to our cultures....
Texting someone a thank you for a gift they gave you, well, for me, it is not exactly the way we were taught to say Thank you....and I'm still smiling, b/c we were taught, no matter how small the gift, when someone gives you a gift, you call them and thank them....period, no if's and's or buts....so, you were raised differently....and it's extremely important, for us all to remember, we all possess different cultures, which are very near and dear to us...and because our mother drilled it into us, that it isn't the gift, it's the thought that counts, we wouldn't dare criticise a gift...but, it's a whole different world today....see, back in my days, they didn't have the communication technology that we have today, and lets face it, you might disagree, but emails, and texting has made society lazy.
While I do enjoy getting emails, there is still, to me, nothing nicer then receiving a personal hand written letter in the mail....when ever I send a birthday card, or any card for that matter, I try to write something personal in that card to that person....we were the kind of family that not only sent Christmas cards, but wrote a hand written personal message in each card....? It was just something special my mother taught us was the way things were done? She always said, when someone takes the time to call and thank you, or write a personal message in a card, that is special....means, your special enough for that person to take the time to do that.
I read another post by a MIL which was similar....not about gift giving, but it was defantely a clash of cultures....and I forget who wrote it now, but she speaks of how her DIL never called, never thanked them for gifts....never answering emails, my DIL used to be the same way....however, she really didn't think she was doing anything wrong, and she wasn't, she was simply living her life, the only way she knew how....as I did...but cultures do clash, b/c our cultures are who we are....and when you don't reciprocate to a mother who was raised like this, it sends her a message that you don't want to, you don't like her, you don't want to take the time to just call her up as soon as you received the card to say thank you.
Now please don't get defensive or angry....it's simply the way we were raised....it's a simple little thing that means so much. Remember, our mothers were raised during the depression days, therefore, they passed onto us, things that might seem very small, but to them, then, it was a very big deal....and I apologize for myself, for not being able to see past my own culture....
I understand now, but couldn't then, I thought my DIL hated me....hated hearing from me, and I was so terribly hurt....but she wasn't the kind to write emails, to call on the phone, or to say Thank you....it was how she was raised, and here I thought she was sending me a message that she really hated me...can you imagine?
Quote from: Pooh on September 21, 2010, 07:00:05 AM
I do believe in thank yous very much. I think it is a way to show the other person (whoever that is) that you appreciate being thought of and an acknowledgement of their thinking about you. I don't require a card, in person is just fine. Or a phone call. But I think your MIL was unreasonable to expect that kind of time frame. I have no time frame on the thank you. Well, wait...I guess I kind of do. How about a reasonable time frame? Not immediately but within a few days or couple of weeks. I think in your case, she was very unreasonable about the immediacy of it.
My DIL never thanked me or DH for anything I did for the rehearsal dinner at their wedding (and she wanted a cookout, so we actually did all the grilling and such during the event). She never thanked me for the wedding presents we gave them or any Christmas or birthday presents. I just find it respectful if you don't, and common courtesy to offer someone a thank you.
I also think that if we don't offer thank yous to people, we are portraying that we think we deserve things or that they are expected. I make sure to thank my DH every day for things he does for me. I know it is not necessary, but it makes him smile to know that I appreciate his efforts. And it also makes him continue to WANT to do things for me that are not necessary. We both win.
Hey Pooh,
If you and hubby wanna come to my house and do the grilling I'll not only say thank you, but I'll send you a thank you card, plus pay you for your efforts?????? will ya, huh? ;D I love grilled food.
and I'd just be willing to bet, you guys do a great job of grilling.
hugs
creme
I can understand culture differences, but to be raised in a house where you were not taught to say "thank you" when someone does something for you, is just sad. I have heard my DIL thank her Mother or family for things during the wedding so that's not it in my case.
But yes Creme, you are right. My raising instilled those values in me. You just send us directions and we shall be there with tongs in hand. My hubby was raised vegetarian, and had never grilled until he met me! Now, it's his favorite thing and he would grill 7 days a week!
Don't worry, I'm not going to get defensive over this...just curious 'cause I've seen a few things on here that I've questioned. :o
I think I was at a loss for words when I wrote earlier, but Pooh, you hit the nail on the head with 'common courtesy' . That's what I was searching for. I was raised with the common courtesy to thank someone when appropriate.
As far as my MIL, I thought she was pretentious about, but like I said I fully intended on thanking her in person on Christmas when I knew I'd see her, a week later. Even though I neither expected nor wanted a gift from her, I appreciated the thoughtfulness. Sometimes in situations like that, I feel like everything is forced. And maybe its partly a culture clash thing ( another good term) but in my family we don't give unnecessary gifts like decorations and such, things like that can be so taste specific. I wouldn't want to give someone something that they hated, nor would I want to receive one. It puts everyone in an awkward situation.
And Pooh, your DIL should certainly have thanked you for all that you had done for their wedding. Had I asked anything like that of my in-laws, I would have. DHand I sent his mother a thank you note for the over-priced furniture she gave as as a wedding gift, even though she sabotaged our wedding and we returned the furniture.
And ahhhhhhh.....the culture we have today where we text and email. Oddly I personally don't email family often. My parents still have dial-up service and dh's parents are still learning to use the computer. But for some strange reason my parents have really, really taken a liking to texting. Those same people can barely work their digital camera, but by golly they're infatuated with texting. They're worse than my 14 year old son. It was actually them that began texting early morning 'Happy Birthdays' to each of us on our birthday. It's hilarious, really. They think that they're pretty hip ' cause all of the grandkids text. 8)
Anyway I get the whole thing with cultural differences, but I guess that in itself is something I was also taught to be respectful about. I just get unnerved when I give everyone else the respect, but I don't receive that same respect for my differences inreturn. (meaning those in-laws, co-workers, etc.) My family and dh's are very different, and I've respected that always knowing that Dh's mother was actually raised as a Mennonite. Her parents jumped the fence as did she, but she seems to have selectively held onto bizarre ideals yet is wildly uncensored in others...she's impossible to understand ....oh well.
Pooh, how 'bout that grilling? What time should we all be over? ;D
See? This is where the DH should step in. He knows what his M expects, so he should have mentioned to you that his M would expect you to call immediately.
Personally (and it's just my opinion on the time limits surrounding TY's) I think a week is too long to wait to thank someone. I also think perhaps that your opinion of the gift coloured your thinking about the Thank You. I'm pretty sure if you had been truly excited about the gift, you would have called right away.
When we get packages in the mail (we live far from everyone), I will often call the sender WHILE we're unwrapping the package, and thank them immediately.
I think part of my thinking on this is because I send packages too (did I mention we live far from EVERYONE?), and I like to hear about it as soon as possible. Not for the thank you, but more to see if they liked it as much as I thought they would. And a small part to make sure they did receive it.
Ah heck. This is Southern country so you just take your time and come on down whenever you like! I will put my "kiss the cook" apron on the hubby, throw some baked beans in the oven, put some good Loretta Lynn on the stereo and we will all sit back and watch my hubby try to perfect his ribeyes!
Quote from: Scoop on September 21, 2010, 09:49:22 AM
See? This is where the DH should step in. He knows what his M expects, so he should have mentioned to you that his M would expect you to call immediately.
Personally (and it's just my opinion on the time limits surrounding TY's) I think a week is too long to wait to thank someone. I also think perhaps that your opinion of the gift coloured your thinking about the Thank You. I'm pretty sure if you had been truly excited about the gift, you would have called right away.
When we get packages in the mail (we live far from everyone), I will often call the sender WHILE we're unwrapping the package, and thank them immediately.
I think part of my thinking on this is because I send packages too (did I mention we live far from EVERYONE?), and I like to hear about it as soon as possible. Not for the thank you, but more to see if they liked it as much as I thought they would. And a small part to make sure they did receive it.
You know, when I think about it, I highly doubt my DH would've known exactly what his mother would've expected either. She's unpredictably, yet arrogantly hypocritical. By that time, she'd already started her tantrums about our wedding, but I was still in shock by her behavior. I'm sure nothing would have pleased her. In most other circumstances though, I guess I've always thought it was appropriate within a week or so. I just hadn't realized so many people had such completely different expectations on such things. It could make someone crazy though trying to meet everyone's individual expectations on this...my head is already spinning.
And gifts by mail...ugh! I never even thought of that. I'm fortunate enough to live close to all of my family, but at least I'll know what to do in the future if such an occasion arises. We received some wedding gifts from distant relatives by mail, which we wares to open until after the wedding and sent all of our thank- yous out at once....I hope I didn't offend whichever family members that it was...yikes!!
QuoteScoop
See? This is where the DH should step in. He knows what his M expects, so he should have mentioned to you that his M would expect you to call immediately.
I totally agree and was thinking the same thing while reading Sunny's post....I'd make the call as soon as I got the gift, then give her a big hug at the family gathering and thank her again....
QuoteWhen we get packages in the mail (we live far from everyone), I will often call the sender WHILE we're unwrapping the package, and thank them immediately.
My foster mom used to always say...no matter how much you don't like a gift, that person who gave you the gift, took the time to pick it out, therefore, you take the time to thank them, prefebaly a phone call....
Sunny, I don't think you could have won with your MIL, no matter what you did on this one. If she was "expecting a thank you on her terms" then that was not sincere. If she is that touchy that she was offended that quickly, then she was expecting to be offended.
I was offended that my DIL never thanked me for the rehearsal dinner and work we put into it, or the wedding presents (since I got things she had registered for and wanted) but it was the way I was "not thanked" that offended me. When they were leaving after the reception, and waiting for everyone to line up to throw birdseed at them, the immediate family was all standing there with them. She hugged her Mother and thanked her, hugged her grandfather, her brother and everyone from her family, thanking them. She also had made gift bags for all the people that helped, ladies from the Church that decorated, her servers, bridesmaids, best men, her Mother....but not one for me or my Mother. She just looked at me and my Mother and never said anything. I didn't expect or need a bag, but again, the way she did it was purposeful. We had their wedding at my parents' home, because she loves their log house and big yard, so yes...I was very offended that she said nothing to my Mother expecially. To me, the way she did it, it was a purposeful slight on her part. Now had she been just overwelmed with the day and even 2 months later came back and said, "Did I ever even Thank you?" I would have been fine. That's what I mean by I think you should do it in a reasonable time, but I am not so rigid that I haven't forgotten a couple of times and went back later and said, "I am so sorry, I don't think I ever thanked you." It happens.
Quote from: Pooh on September 22, 2010, 05:55:24 AM
Sunny, I don't think you could have won with your MIL, no matter what you did on this one. If she was "expecting a thank you on her terms" then that was not sincere. If she is that touchy that she was offended that quickly, then she was expecting to be offended.
I was offended that my DIL never thanked me for the rehearsal dinner and work we put into it, or the wedding presents (since I got things she had registered for and wanted) but it was the way I was "not thanked" that offended me. When they were leaving after the reception, and waiting for everyone to line up to throw birdseed at them, the immediate family was all standing there with them. She hugged her Mother and thanked her, hugged her grandfather, her brother and everyone from her family, thanking them. She also had made gift bags for all the people that helped, ladies from the Church that decorated, her servers, bridesmaids, best men, her Mother....but not one for me or my Mother. She just looked at me and my Mother and never said anything. I didn't expect or need a bag, but again, the way she did it was purposeful. We had their wedding at my parents' home, because she loves their log house and big yard, so yes...I was very offended that she said nothing to my Mother expecially. To me, the way she did it, it was a purposeful slight on her part. Now had she been just overwelmed with the day and even 2 months later came back and said, "Did I ever even Thank you?" I would have been fine. That's what I mean by I think you should do it in a reasonable time, but I am not so rigid that I haven't forgotten a couple of times and went back later and said, "I am so sorry, I don't think I ever thanked you." It happens.
Pooh, I can't believe that after all you had done for them, including the rehearsal dinner and your mother providing the setting for the wedding, that she wouldn't have planned something as a special "thank you" for you both. That really was thoughtless and inconsiderate of her. That's shameless gifting others with thank you's and completely omitting the mother of the groom when you were so involved. Every wedding planning guide or magazine will always advise a bride to gift the mother of the groom with a special thank you.
But Pooh, what about your son? Did he thank you? Maybe they had a deal that she handles her side and he handles his side.
He did thank everyone including Me and my Mother. He also thanked the same people she did. (MIL, FIL, Servers, etc.) He went around and thanked everyone that had helped. He also thanked us both at the wedding shower. He showed up at the end to load the car and he thanked us for the presents.
That may be so Scoop about the presents. She did give gifts to the nephews that were her junior groomsmen and the groomsmen too which were all my DS's relatives and friends, but I guess it is possible. I still would have thought a verbal thank you to my Mother at least for letting them use her home and grounds for the wedding would have been appropriate.
With her past antics with my family, I have serious doubts that they had that agreement. There were other things. Her Maid of Honor came in and ordered my Mother to fix them all something to eat while they were getting ready. They invited all their family to get ready at my parent's house, but didn't ask my Mother. So my own Mother and Father had no where to get ready. Her family took over all 4 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms (and they all lived locally). My Mom and Dad got dressed in the laundry room. When my Mother mentioned that they could get dressed in 10 minutes, her Mother just shrugged at her and continued dressing, ignoring her. My Mother is very kind and would not cause a scene so she just went in the laundry room and got dressed and fixed them all food. They moved furniture in rooms, but never put anything back. I helped her fix everything afterwards. When the wedding pictures came back, she only bought the ones with her and her family in them. Their wedding album has not one of my side of the family in it. The shower pictures were the same way. It was this way from way before the wedding til today. When they were dating, she would be at my house at least 6 days a week. I would fix dinner, she would eat, but not once did she offer to help or say thank you afterwards. Same thing at my Mother's house. Each Thanksgiving, my Mother cooks for the entire family. I go over early that morning and help her, but she does most of it. So the tradition is, Mom gets to sit down afterwards and the girls all do the dishes and cleanup. I am the only daughter, but my sister-in-law and two adult nieces all do it too. She finishes her plate and goes and sits on the couch with the guys while we all do it. My DS said something to her the first year about wasn't she going to help....she said....No...they got it.
Anyway.....long story short (too late)....with her past history of being rude to our family, I still think she did it on purpose.
Oh Pooh:
Dont have words. Only three....... I hate her! (lol)
I admire you......I could have not possibly taken all that..... Having your parents dress up in the laundry room? What a piece of art!
Dont ever permit her to that to you......limits Pooh
Love you
Lol...thanks Nana! Well now here's the part I didn't tell you. I was not there when this transpired with my Mother. We live about an hour away and got ready at home and was on our way while all this was going on. I could tell my Mother was a little flustered when I got there, and figuring it was just the worry of all those people being in her house, I asked her what I could do for her. Then she told me what had happened. Oh, I was mad! I wanted to stomp in there and ninja-chop her Mother, throttle my DIL and drop-kick her maid of honor all the way down the driveway, all the while yelling, "You can treat me however you want, because I can take it....BUT....(this is where I would be whipping hiney between each word for effect)...THAT....IS....MY.....MOTHER! My mother knows me very well and could see the fire in my eyes and she just said, "Not today. It is their wedding day and we are not going to lower ourselves to their level."
Bless her heart, my Mother is so patient and wise so I abided by her wishes. Now, I am not going to lie, I consider myself to have a pretty good control on my temper and do not condone violence, but had this transpired while I was there, I would have lowered myself to there level immediately! It would have been on! And her Mother's black eye would have went fabulously with that black and white leopard skirt she wore!!!
Thank goodness my Mother has more tact than I do.....
And there is also history between her Mother and I. When the whole foot-stomping, eye-rolling thing took place in the gym, and I had words with my FDIL, she went home and told her Mother. About a week later, we were at the same bowling tournament with the kids and her Mother said she needed to talk to me. She proceeded to tell me how she didn't appreciate how I had talked to her daughter.....blah...blah...blah. It went on and on. And then she said, "What if they get married? Are you going to tell me you wouldn't support them financially while they finished college?"
I started laughing and said, "Dang skippy I would not financially support them. If they choose to marry before they finish college, then they are on their own!" I was walking off at that point and she said, "I guess you don't love your Son. I love my Daughter and would pay for all their bills. Shows who's the better Mother." Now that crossed the line and I said hatefully, "Don't ever question my love for my children or ever say that I don't love my Son again. I just don't cater to my children and condone disrespectful behavior out of them. And after that, don't ever speak to me again."
It was bad. I was so angry that she would say something like that and jump me for what happened between FDIL and I, while excusing her behavior. She did apologize to me about 3 months later, while we were at a Park taking pictures before Prom. Here was all our family snapping pictures and she came over and apologized, then started explaining herself. I just looked at her and said, "I accept your apology, but this is not the time or place to be doing this. It is prom night for them and their time. Not ours." And I walked off. So although I said I accepted the apology, she was more angry because I walked off.
Ummm.....I don't like her.
You just said a lot in that Pooh. It's easy to see where your DIL gets her attitude. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it?
You are so right. I do say that. She is just like her Mother, and sometimes I feel sorry for her, knowing that she doesn't know any better because she was raised to be "entitled" because her Mother is that way. And for the first four years of their relationship, I tried to be understanding and ignore a lot of her behavior because of that. But after a while, I got tired of the disrespect, and although I understand where it comes from, I couldn't put up with the attitude and disrespect any longer. So now, I ignore her along with the behavior. The down-side is, I have no contact with my Son either now. But, that is his choice.
Thanks Anna. I truly hope that as they mature, they will learn and we can't start anew. I think it will take an "awakening" in both of them. She needs to to learn empathy, and he needs to stop cowering, put his foot down and stop avoiding conflict. He needs to deal with things instead of just shrugging them off. Not for my sake, but for his.