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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Topics - bdwell1904

1
Grab Bag / HI!!!!!!!!!!!
May 03, 2012, 10:28:12 AM
I have been in to read your post but just haven't had it in me to respond. I do want my dear lovely ladies to know ya'll mean so much to me. I hope ya'll have a great week. Thinking and praying for each of you. Take care and God Bless.
2
I wanted to let ya'll know on the 15th I got a message from DS. It said he realized it took alot for me to write the letter and knew it was hard to say. It allowed him to let go of alot of resentment he had been holding onto for far too long. He also said he doesn't know where things will go from here and that he loves me.
Baby steps.  ::) Thanks for allowing me to share this with ya'll. Take care
3
Friends my DS reached out to me this week. I took the time to really think about what he said. He doesn't want to know or understand the
reasons why I am hurt or the pain I am going through to heal myself. I will continue to face my issues and heal me, and am grateful I found this place to help me do that.

Dear,
    I have read your message several times and taken the time to think about what you said. One thing you said is that I talk about those years as if they were a blur or never happened. You are right. I have lived most of my life with blinders on. It was easier to pretend my life, my pain, and the defects in my character, didn't happen than to deal with it all. I so wanted to believe I was a good and loving mother, to cover up my defects. I didn't start out at nineteen expecting my life to go this way.  I will not try to explain the reasons I have lived like this to you. I do not want you to say I am making excuses.              I've done it, for whatever reasons, and I own up to the fact that I have lived this way.
Just as you are trying to face the things from your past to be able to move forward and have a better life, so am I.   For the courage you are showing to make this journey now, to heal yourself, I am very proud of you. What I am awed by is that you have made the choice to do the often painful work of facing up to the past, heal from it and use it to make you something stronger, wiser and more evolved than you could have been if you had allowed the past to hold you in a position of being a victim.  What I have done for many years.
I understand that the way you perceive things are not the way I do, and that is okay.  I have no intention of arguing with you about your perceptions or feelings. We each perceive things differently. I am trying to learn not to push my perception of events off on you, as I have done in the past. I am trying to accept responsibility for my past behavior and not discount or diminish the harm, pain or grief you have encountered. You have a right to be angry. For the things I have not done that I should have, and the things I have done that I should not have. I understand you have heartfelt pain and grief for the life you should have had and for the parents that should have been there for you.
If you are angry, if you cannot trust me, if you cannot forgive me at this point in time  THAT IS OKAY TOO.  It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out. If you open up and completely forgive me, you become vulnerable. You may want to trust me but can't because maybe, just maybe, the bottom will fall out and the hurt would be unbearable. I don't know if this is how you feel, but I understand if it is. For all I have or have not done, I am sincerely apologizing.
Yes, I am deeply sorry.
I know ___ is your child and you make the decision of what is best for her. I long to welcome her with open arms.
As far as my future...Today I am trying to learn I am not a bad person. I may not have been the best mother but also I have not been the worst. I will no longer allow people to use me for a punching bag. Not verbally, physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually. I have to protect myself, my life, and my future, as you are doing with yours. I choose to circle myself with people who love me for who I am Today. I hope that ya'll will choose to be a part of that circle.
You are my baby boy, I truly love you, and would never seek to cause you harm. I truly hope we can be as close as we once were, again in the future.
Love momma
4
Grab Bag / 3 way rift, long back story
October 15, 2011, 10:05:32 AM
I don't even know where to start. DH and I went 2 hours away to await the birth of my GD. We were at the hosp. for over 20 hours waiting. Took my DM out to lunch at a nice place. Got shunned by DS MIL. Were kept from visiting in labor room, by said MIL every chance she got. Still we sat there humble, quiet, going along to get along. This has been my mot-is operand for several years now. Right before the birth, my DIL's GM told me to go back that I deserved to be there. GMIL had seen the way DIL's family had been treating me and didn't seem to like it. I went back, stood against a wall out of the way giving respect to DIL as it was her giving birth. My own DD came into the room and in the nastiest tone told me I could leave. (DD has been getting increasingly angry with me for past hurts for the last two months. She found out she was pregnant and moved up her wedding date to Oct. 30) I stayed anyway until DS said DIL needed her privacy. Fine, sure I was hurt, but said nothing and left. Part of the hurt was DIL's F was at the end of the bed to film the birth. Yes I said her Father. Yet I needed to leave for privacy. I went to waiting room pulled DH aside and was telling him what happened. DM came over and listened then pulled DH into hall. DM can get mental at times and go way off her rocker, yelling causing a scene. We know that's how she is and just try to ignore it. DM threatened him if I was told what she said he would be disowned. Then told him I abandoned them as children. DH got upset knowing this was totally not true. So as not to loose his temper walked away. DM kept trying to engage him. I went out to see what was going on he said he didn't want a scene so we left. GD was born within the hour. Our point of view was we could always see GD but a big blowout at hosp. couldn't be undone. DD sent some very nasty text the next day, Lots of lies and putting xH on a pedestal even though he hasn't been around in 10 yrs. DD said I left hosp. because she hurt my feelings. When I tried to explain what happened she got so ugly DH called and told her to learn some respect since I am her DM. DD got angry to the point of uninviting me to wedding. My DM tried to call and backpeddle with DH and act like she didn't say what she did. It was a big blowout over the phone. Now DH is totally disowned. I am estranged from my DM and DD wants nothing to do with me EVER. Haven't seen GD and DS won't answer his phone. I don't really have a question about what to do. I am riding the guilty train. If I am this hurt by DD how hurt is DM by me etc etc. I know in my heart I did what I thought was best, I didn't get ugly or nasty with any of the parties involved. I just tried to state my point and disengage. I guess I just needed to get it all off my chest. Thnx lovely ladies
5
Grab Bag / Holidays
October 13, 2011, 04:02:04 PM
6 weeks till thanksgiving, 10 till Christmas, 11 weeks till my b-day
Just wondering how ya'll have dealt with this issue. My family can be extremely close, loving and fun. They are also very dysfunctional in alot of ways....hence me being here ;D I don't want to sound harsh or nasty but I really don't care about trying to come up with gifts and/or money for ppl who have basically disowned me and DH. I used to take great joy in finding the perfect gift, wrapping it beautifully, etc. I feel like I need to acknowledge the celebration. I know I'm my own worst enemy sometimes. I'm sure as the time gets closer my own DM will get sentimental and try to make amends. DH is my life and anything that would exclude him I want no part of.
So thoughts, ideas etc
6
DH and I often talk and laugh about how we finally found each other. Our worlds circled around each other for over 20 yrs. Louisiana woman- Mississippi man. I visited with a friend at her father's house in MS 5 miles from where DH was living. My parents almost bought his uncle's house in the next town over in LA. We have realized several times where over the yrs we just missed each other in passing. It wasn't our time...3 yrs after my divorce we ended up at a fishfry together and God said now. DH had lost the site in his left eye a couple of years before we met, 3 yrs later when I lost site in my right eye I had someone who could truly support me because he KNEW what I was going through. WE have a great life and a greater love. I truly love his DM my MIL. We are friends  and enjoy each others company. She had a really hard time with DH's B & S due to only raising DH and not them. They eventually got past it and today she is in all their lives to some degree. I guess God gave me this MIL who would know how to support me now that my own DS & DD have disowned me. I also believe God gave me the wisdom to choose this site out of so many to choose from. I want to thank all the wise women here who share their stories. thanks to you I got more than 3 1/2 -4 hrs sleep last night. I found some peace in the stories we share. May you all find peace