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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: renny97 on February 06, 2010, 11:39:53 AM

Title: How to move forward?
Post by: renny97 on February 06, 2010, 11:39:53 AM
I was wondering how to move forward in a healthy and positive way?

I want to be joyful and feel like Spring, ya know. I am tired of heavy emotions. I think because I am vulnerable in so many other ways now. I have kinda said my peace to son, and realize I have to change my reaction and not hold in emotions so I don't react to their manipulation. Doesn't seem like it "should be" this hard.
Title: Re: How to move forward?
Post by: luise.volta on February 06, 2010, 11:48:00 AM
That sounds really healthy to me. One way to move forward is just what you are doing...interact with others and contribute to their lives. We have such an opportunity to do that here. Yes, we unload and get help and support...but we also listen and encourage. We can do that lots of other places, too, in our lives...in our contacts with others...everywhere we go. Spring is coming and it is already in your heart.
Title: Re: How to move forward?
Post by: cocobars on February 06, 2010, 11:56:40 AM
You're doing it Renny!  You have been working so hard here and I see you putting every effort into yourself and your well being!  Moving forward isn't always easy, but it is "easier" knowing you're loved, supported and accepted! 

Keep lightening your load as much as you can and just try to be happy.  Happiness is contagious!  The good thing about it is even when you're down, just making yourself smile makes you feel better/lighter.  Have you ever noticed that? 

Go ahead, just try it!  See how that feels? ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: How to move forward?
Post by: renny97 on February 07, 2010, 09:39:32 AM
Good Afternoon,
I awoke to the feeling of having dreamed yesterday. As I started my morning coffee, I thought of the insight received here. Without the support here, I would have felt like everything was my fault. I will not be a victim anymore.

I came to the realization that the past cannot be brought up. People can change, but not for someone else.

I have decided that I won't attend any gatherings involving his extended fam. I don't see any other resolution. I will send something through the mail or take a day or two earlier. I feel better just thinking of them all sitting around with their "wonderful, social" selves..lol and me, home.
Will make it known to DS, that he is welcome here anytime. It has just become too much over there.

If GC want to see me, DS can bring them. If they are poisoned against me, then there is nothing I can do. I think I am beginning to see that I am connected through son, but yet, separate, and therefore, can make my own decisions, about "how" I want to be connected and I am not required to be around his extended family. I think there is a societal expectation that we need to get along. Sometimes, that just isn't possible. I think that is what I struggled with. It ain't gonna happen. If they will criticize me, then they will. I accept that now. If ya let someone blackmail you, they will. Acceptance, is freeing.

That is my new insight for today. Sometimes, it is better to backoff and let be. Whatever works for others, doesn't have to work for me. It doesn't have to be done with anger. Nothing feels forced. Peace at last. They can do whatever they please, I can still love my DS. They can't take that.

If they teach the GC to call people names; nothing I can do. Acceptance. I can live with myself.

Another thought; they can't call me names anymore! I won't be there! Yes!



Title: Re: How to move forward?
Post by: Barbie on February 07, 2010, 10:06:56 AM
Good for you, Renny!  Since I found this site this is the kind of attitude that I've developed and I haven't gone back, it feels good doesn't it? We have a long way to go but this is the beginning of the healing process. I'm sure my son is thinking "what the heck is going on with her?".
Hang in there my friend, and stay positive, we'll make it!
Title: Re: How to move forward?
Post by: Marilyn on February 07, 2010, 10:15:53 AM
Thats what I have done too Renny.

And I agree with guest one,it  feels good!!!!

So that is three of us,must be something to it!!!!
Title: Re: How to move forward?
Post by: luise.volta on February 07, 2010, 11:49:08 AM
Congratulations you guys! I once told my son that I was helpless and there was nothing I could do about something...I forgot what it was. I "simply had no choice." But he said "You always have a choice, Mom, you just might not like the consequences."

You are standing tall, all three of you! No tire marks on you..no more! You're not going to lie down and let others run over you! BRAVO!!!

What a lovely declaration of self-respect. Beautiful!
Title: Re: How to move forward?
Post by: Marilyn on February 07, 2010, 12:30:10 PM
Thank you Luise,I have come to the conclusion,if it doesn't feel right,doesn't bring me joy,get rid of it!!!! I focus on what,and who does bring joy in my life.I DESERVE to be happy and joyful.
Title: Re: How to move forward?
Post by: renny97 on February 07, 2010, 01:03:54 PM
 :) Smiling from my heart today.

I tried posting, and it wouldn't, so I hope this one does.

I continue to have "Ah-Ha" moments today. I believe son's in-laws treat situation as a "business." I am not going to dwell on them too much longer. But, I want to understand the "lesson."

They moved people around like a game. It wasn't coming from deep emotion. That is where I made the error in thinking that that was their intention. It was about control and strategy. It did not matter who they "ran over." It is about appearances. I made it too complex finding it hard to imagine that people are capable of such manipulation; since, it isn't something I practice.

I finally GET IT! Wow. Lightbulb stuff, here. lol. I am feeling the joy return. It seemed hard knowing things weren't right that surrounded my son. But, that is where the "mother" stuff has to go out the window. I have to love and let go. That goes against a mother's grain. He's made decisions and I am to be here when need be only. That is a good thing. I will remain a misfit to those people, and I am proud to be so.

***

Thanks, All.
Title: Re: How to move forward?
Post by: Pen on February 07, 2010, 01:14:09 PM
This topic has been very helpful to me, so thank you all from another proud "misfit."
Title: Re: How to move forward?
Post by: renny97 on February 07, 2010, 01:16:54 PM
 ;) "Set it free; if it comes back, it was meant to be."  :) Misfits Rock!  8)
Title: Re: How to move forward?
Post by: luise.volta on February 07, 2010, 01:41:23 PM
Amen, Sistahs!!!  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: How to move forward?
Post by: renny97 on February 07, 2010, 01:45:07 PM
Quote from: luise.volta on February 07, 2010, 01:41:23 PM
Amen, Sistahs!!!  ;D ;D ;D

"Don't wait for someone to bring you flowers; plant your own garden."  ;)

Suddenly, I am filled with metaphors! LOL  :)
Title: Re: How to move forward?
Post by: peggyrice@triad.rr.com on February 08, 2010, 03:48:01 PM
Sometimes, you just have to refuse to give another person the power to control your emotions.  Focus on the things and people that add to your life in a positive way.  We can not ignore the problem, however we can "place it in a box" and deal with it on the days we feel it will be easier to deal with.  Because our children are rooted in our hearts, the hurt will "well up" from time to time.   I pray a lot and try to give the problems I can not solve to God.  I look at them from time to time, however try not to let them become the focus of my life.  I - we all -  :) deserve better circumstances! 
Title: Re: How to move forward?
Post by: luise.volta on February 08, 2010, 03:53:56 PM
Beautifully put!
Title: Re: How to move forward?
Post by: peggyrice@triad.rr.com on February 08, 2010, 04:11:56 PM
Luise,  You hold your head up - you seem like such a special person!  I am so sorry about your finances - I hope you can adjust and be happy.   Know in your heart that  ;)you have done the best you can.  Even when we are VERY careful, the cons can creep in - try not to blame yourself.  In the end, doing the very best we can is all anyone could ever ask of us.  Bad stuff just happens I guess.....
Title: Re: How to move forward?
Post by: luise.volta on February 08, 2010, 04:22:54 PM
Well, it was ten years ago and when even the most sophisticated investors got slammed, we didn't feel too bad about our poor judgment. (We did feel bad about our poor budget, though!)
Title: Re: How to move forward?
Post by: cremebrulee on February 16, 2010, 07:33:44 AM
Gosh, all you girls have given me so much insight, hope and perspectives on things....some days are hard as anything to get though, and like someone mentioned, was it you pen, who said, yesterday seemed like a bad dream....we take one step forward, and two back....however, the days that go forward for us, are positive milestones, which I need to continually remind myself about...I just don't know where I'd be without all of you, and am so grateful for your courage, and the continual wanton to change and progress....thank you!!!!!

Hugs
Creme
Title: Re: How to move forward?
Post by: Pen on February 16, 2010, 08:31:34 AM
I'm grateful for all of you, too. Don't know what I'd do without you right now!
Title: Re: How to move forward?
Post by: cremebrulee on February 16, 2010, 10:57:57 AM
Quote from: Carolina Gal on February 08, 2010, 03:48:01 PM
Sometimes, you just have to refuse to give another person the power to control your emotions.  Focus on the things and people that add to your life in a positive way.  We can not ignore the problem, however we can "place it in a box" and deal with it on the days we feel it will be easier to deal with.  Because our children are rooted in our hearts, the hurt will "well up" from time to time.   I pray a lot and try to give the problems I can not solve to God.  I look at them from time to time, however try not to let them become the focus of my life.  I - we all -  :) deserve better circumstances!

Whew, CG, that was beautiful...thank you for another way of coping...and healing....
Title: Re: How to move forward?
Post by: cocobars on February 17, 2010, 03:44:51 AM
Creme, I agree and am happy Carolina is here!  That was a wonderful way of looking at our problems.  Thanks Carolina!

One of the nicest things about this site are the women.  The new name fits how I've been feeling about alot of the advice here and it's nice to be here!
Title: Re: How to move forward?
Post by: thesecondwife on February 17, 2010, 10:00:58 AM
My own M is having difficulties with her DIL (my SIL). And I have had it directed at me too from my SIL. What I tell my M is that you can't control what other people do, but you can control how you react. There has been another difficulty with my SIL lately and my M and I agree to just let my DB and SIL do what they will do. My M and D are good people, reasonable, never meddle, and don't offer unsolicited advice. I have no idea what SIL has against them or sometimes me! Sometimes she is nice, sometimes she is standoffish. I have no idea why, we just roll with it. LOL
Title: Re: How to move forward?
Post by: luise.volta on February 17, 2010, 10:39:36 AM
Yup...I'm a great advocate of, "What you think of me is none of my business."
Title: Re: How to move forward?
Post by: renny97 on February 17, 2010, 11:39:07 AM
 :) Oh, Luise, I love that!  :)