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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - Pooh

16
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: DS under pressure?
September 12, 2016, 07:51:18 AM
Quote from: Green Thumb on September 10, 2016, 08:56:06 AM
Pen, is it possible that your son has a mood disorder or is just plain old grouchy or kind of mean spirited? I don't know your situation but I do know one of my AC, actually TWO of them (LOL) are moody and one never knows are you getting the angel or the mean one during whatever encounter we have. Both of these AC, one male and one female, are really only happy when we are giving (money or attention usually). Yet, they don't offer to pay or give to us. Personally, I feel kind of bad inside that I have to be so detached emotionally from them but like you said, one has to protect oneself from the constant hurt or pain.

Green Thumb, may I respectively request that you go back and read some of the threads on our older members before commenting.  I have seen several now where they have long standing stories here, that you make suggestions without knowing any of the story.  I know you mean well, but if you went and read all years of work they have put in, all the different things they have tried, you will find out...that sometimes there are not answers except that our AC and their spouses are jerks no matter what the OP does.
17
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: DS under pressure?
September 12, 2016, 07:47:45 AM
Pen, I was having this happen quite often.  Phone call or visit with DS would go great, smiles...laughter...communication...the whole bit.  Then the next time, bammm....he was moody and grouchy.  Back and forth, back and forth.  What I ended up finding out with mine, is that DH enjoyed our talks and visits, but then when he went home and maybe mentioned something we suggested they try (after he asked us what we would do), DIL would pitch a fit that he was listening to us and turn it around and tell him that we were trying to tell them how to live their lives....blah...blah...blah....

Then she would get him tore up and he would start second-guessing and wondering if she was right.....blah blah blah.

It was a vicious cycle he got caught up in.  Now, I don't feel bad for him, because he did it to himself.  It wasn't us, although we got blamed for it.  He should have trusted his own feelings, but he chose to believe her.

Not saying that's what's happening, but it could explain the cold and hot.  That's what we were experiencing.
18
I'm jealous!  I want an RV!  Have a great time LL and yes, we can learn new tricks.
19
Welcome.  Such a horrific experience for all of you. 
20
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Getting Back
August 29, 2016, 06:21:25 AM
Hey FAFE!
21
I'm sorry you are having these issues, but I have to agree with Luise.  You admitted you tried twice to slap him.  You attacked first so he has every right to defend himself in my mind.  Yes, a man shouldn't hit a woman, but that doesn't give a woman a free pass to be physical with them either.  I see many, many times a day where it is the female that is the aggressor in my line of work, and people think the man should know better.  I know this sounds harsh of me, but that is totally unfair to put anyone in the position of having to defend themselves from physical contact.

I think the cooling off period for both of you is what is needed.  And I agree with Pen that steroids will do a number on someone and I wouldn't put myself back in a same room with him for now.  You've said your peace, the ball is in his court if he wants to continue the relationship in a civil manner.
22
I think your friend gave you some good advice.  Those would be great words to use.
23
And that's the way it should be G.  Equal treatment to both sides.  I've had my OS (when we were speaking) have to ask permission for me to come see him, then when I arrive, his MIL is there saying "Oh...I didn't know you were coming by...I offered to take the them to dinner so how long are you going to stay?"   OS has said, "Sorry, I didn't know she was coming over."   So I had to make an appointment to see OS (not even talking GC yet at this time), that fit "their" schedule, but MIL can drop by any time she wants, and do anything she wants, without DIL checking with OS.  DIL knew I was coming by that day (since OS had asked her) but had no issues with her Mother dropping in and didn't politely decline when her Mother told them she was taking them to dinner by letting her know I was already coming over.  Or hey...novel concept.  How about DIL could have said, "Would you care if I went to dinner with my Mom while you and OS hang out?"

That's the kind of treatment that is hard to deal with.  OS has to check with DIL, but DIL doesn't have to check with OS.  I had to make pre-approved appointments, MIL has free access. 

I have no problem whatsoever with OS checking with DIL.  I would expect the same out of my husband, but I also ask him if we have anything going on before letting my Mother/Dad, friends....whoever come over.  I even have no issue at all that DIL and MIL spend more time together.  I would expect that out of Mother and Daughter.  But when you continuously see it, every week, and your visitation is granted once every 3 months, it's not hard to figure out that you're not wanted.

And FYI: This is my past experience.  I've had no contact in 3 years.  And MIL now lives with them, as her hubby divorced her and she had no where to go. 
24
Quote from: PatiencePlease on July 12, 2016, 07:51:41 PM
Thank you for your wise words Pooh.  You are so right!  Letting go is the best thing to do.

Sadly my mother in law died unexpectedly last week.  Out of the blue I get a sweet text message from toxic sister telling me she's keeping us in her thoughts and prayers and closed it with "Love" and her name.  I ignored it.  I'm done with this and I have to say it does feel good to let go.

Good for you.  I don't deal well with passive-aggressive.  You don't get to tell me to never contact or speak to you again unless...... nor do you get to contact me whenever you feel like it.  Relationships, of any kind, are a two-way street.  When one person in the relationship tries to set rules for how the relationship runs, then it is no longer a relationship but a dictatorship. 

My condolences on your Mother in law's passing.  So sorry.
25
So sorry.  It's hard enough to deal with the family drama on a daily basis, let alone when we are grieving.  I know it hurts, but she just gave you permission to let go and begin to heal yourself.  It's sad it came to this, but sometimes, I believe we are given opportunities because it's better for us.
26
Welcome Katrina.  Sorry you are dealing with this.  My condolences on the loss of your DIL/Daughter.
27
Love Ya LL!  I'll be waiting patiently to see pics of those paintings someday :)
28
Uuuuhhhhh CLOTTED CREAM!  There you two go again...making me gag and grimace!

LL...my Sister from another Mister...you do you.

That's right.  You do YOU!  It doesn't matter what the rest of us did or didn't do, I know how important those GC are to you.  Sooo...now that you are almost retired, plan to travel on the holidays!  You can go see all the wonderful things offered at holidays and don't have to worry about who's spending holidays with whom.  Make yourself unavailable at holidays!

P.S.  I would love to see your paintings someday!
29
Grandchildren / Re: Blindsided...
June 03, 2016, 12:25:19 PM
Sorry to hear all of this.  I do understand.  I still have the 1 granddaughter that we had the same situation going, that we fought in court for 15 months before finally getting visitation.  Then, once YS went into the military, she took the opportunity to move, change phone numbers, etc. and we have lost contact.  Now that YS is out of the military (6 years later), he is in the process of getting ready to try and find her again to get her back in court.  Then I have the OS that hasn't spoken to me in 3 years.  He now has two daughters I've never met.

I have pictures of all three of the granddaughters and I have them framed in my house.  At first, it hurt every time to look at them.  Now, it brings a smile to my face.  Why?  Well because two of them look exactly like me!  So although I still wish it was different, a part of me knows that a small piece of me will live on in them and I can't help but smile thinking about it.  So give yourself some time.

I also have 3 other grandchildren from YS that are my pride and joys.  Now...that being said...they are wearing me out!  They are 3, 2 and 1...two boys, baby is a girl.  I need major naps after having them for the weekend.  I haven't been around lately, partly because of them, and partly because of a new business venture which I am enjoying immensely.  I still work full-time, put 4-5 hours a night into this new business and run like crazy on the weekends chasing after 3 mobile munchkins.  I'm exhausted but a couple of things have come out of it.

1.  I truly have lost all focus on the OS and those issues.  I don't have time to worry about him at all any more.  It's left me with a major sense of peace on that situation. 

2.  I have truly learned to cherish those that do want me in their life and focus my attention and love on them.  And guess what?  Life is just fine without the others. 

So I know how bad it hurts, but give it some time, and truly focus on those other grand babies and things for yourself.  Your Son is going to have to figure out what he wants to do on his own.
30
Hey Jane!  Glad to hear things are going well and good to see you!