Hi. I need some advise on how to go about this causing the least offense to anyone.
Let me say that MIL and I have always been on shakey ground and that from this xmas thru now she has been unusually poilte toward me. We now talk about the weather and she asks how I am feeling. Last night after our 2 min exchange she spoke to my husband. Asking whenthe baby is due (I am 5 mos pregnant) if my parents are coming down to help and how long they will be staying. (bkgrnd: we live near NO family & DH requested my parents come when baby is born.)
when I asked DH if his DM has mentioned coming, he says no. To me, she is dropping hints to him that she wants to come but I have not been consulted by either. When they usually come, they stay 2-3wks and since we have no relationshipand they don't want to do anything ever it makes visits VERY stressful. Add into that I am having a c-section, we have a 5yr old who will be adjusting to a new sister, a year old lab puppy, and my hormones fluctuating, I am not sure I can handle a visit.
My DH doesn't say anything but I know it makes him feel good that his DM wants to see the new baby when it arrives (even though we really only have contact (incl phone) with them on holidays or if MIL has FOO stuff to sharing (aka gossip).
I jsut don't know how to handle this but last night found I couldnt sleep due to thinking about her potentially impeding visit. Yes, I want to make my DH happy & I think she should be allowed dto see the gc but I am not sure if I can handle the duration and I cant help but feel like she is spying on us & talking about our family & older DD to the FOO (not in a positive way either).
I know this is all over & appreciate your reading it but any advise on how to handle this is greatly appreciated. The baby is due in late may & our DD will start kindergaretn in August plus they don't like the hot weather hin our southern location....
StillTrying,
Congrats on being pregnant! I hope you're feeling okay! I was nervous about the IL visit as well. I made it clear to my DH that I really wasn't comfortable playing host to anyone when I had a new baby. That was one area where I felt my needs came first. But, even though I live near my mom, I didn't have her over either...so I think I was being fair.
MIL was upset; she got to go overseas to help for 3 weeks with my nephew. But then again, SIL had her mom there to help as well, for 6 weeks prior to MIL arriving!
DH wanted his parents to stay, but I just wasn't up for it, and that was okay.
They came up for a few hours when DD came home from the hospital, and given that I had a c-section, preparing lunch and putting a leaf in the table while they were staring at the baby was a bit much for me. I wasn't supposed to be doing anything but resting and taking care of the baby. So....my thoughts are that if you're not comfortable, don't do it. My MIL always says she wants to help, but she's bad at helping. Her idea of helping is holding the baby and asking me "Why aren't you singing to her, you should be singing to her...you're not putting her to sleep right..." (FYI, I don't sing in mixed company, and if I do sing to DD, it's in the morning so she's excited for her day); I couldn't have taken care of DD AND her for any length of time after my c-section. I had too much going on, so a short visit and a stay at a hotel was more than enough.
If MIL is going to be there to give you more time with the new baby, then I don't see a problem, but it's really up to you; I'm good at putting my needs aside, but I just wasn't willing to do it when DD was here, and not knowing what I'd be dealing with. Too many variables. Good luck, talk to your DH, though; it's definitely something for you guys to talk about.
Hi there ...
We MIL are a pain I know but some of us don''t mean to be .
Have your parents agreed to come when you have the baby ? Ask them if they are definitely coming ,then if your MIL does ask ,you can explain your parents are coming but you would love to see them at a later date . Or do you think they will all come together ? Do they stay with you ?
Ask your DH to explain to them they are welcome to come after you have recovered from the birth .
She's a mom and should understand how traumatic giving birth can be ,also if they come for a long sta
you can hardly be expected to look after them too .
Send them lots of photos of the newborn and say you can't wait for them to see the baby .As long as you include them with all your news etc ,we hate to be left out . She should realise you would want your own mom there to help you .
you have 4 months to go ,so don't let it stress you ,and I hope your parents confirm soon .
Take care and best wishes ...
Maybe I have no right to an opinion since I don't have a DIL, but I'm going to add my 2 cents, just because. : ) I don't know that I would make it through 2 weeks without losing patience with my own dh or dm. I'm 57, and when I go visit my dm out of state, we're together 24/7 & that sometimes leads to trouble. Dm is my best friend. That's just part of being human. We hash things out when necessary because we're committed to making the relationship work. Dm's & mil's aren't so different. For the most part, we just want to feel loved & included in your lives. I never wanted to take over as gm. But neither did I expect to be kicked to the curb just because dd became a mom. And just because we get old, it didn't mean we quit dreaming. There ought to be some middle ground where everyone can not only coexist but actually put your guard down & enjoy one another. Just as there can be too many cooks in a kitchen, things can get equally testy over babies, unwelcome advice, housecleaning, etc, etc. Don't expect perfection from either yourself or your mil. Just be yourself & allow her to do the same. I think part of the problem is that everybody tries too hard, so we all keep our guards up, walking on eggshells. How about being honest with your mil? Ask her if she can take it if your hormones go amok & if you can be up front & honest with her if you feel she's stepping on your toes. Remember when you brought your 5 yr old dd home from the hospital? Wasn't it harder than you expected it to be? All I'm suggesting is that if you can be open enough to expect the unexpected, you may gain not only a mil, but a dear friend in the process. Isn't that what family is all about? When it all comes down to the bottom line, I believe there are 6 people you can absolutely count on to stand in front of a bus to protect your dc...you, dh, dm & df, mil & fil. I figured putting up with a little unwelcome advice from time to time is worth the trade-off, or at least worthy of consideration. If you decide to allow mil to visit, perhaps she'd be willing to shorten her stay so that your dm could also spend a little time with you. Best of wishes to you & your new baby... :D :D :D
I am of the school that visitors stay else where. I need my privacy and my rest and I am not a new mother. (I am a very old great, grandmother.) If this doesn't work for them, then the visit if off. My home is my castle. 8)
When my first grandchild was born, son and DIL were lliving in NYC. Her parents were in Japan and were planning on coming for the birth of the baby. Fine with me. We'll go up after a couple of days, stay in a motel and visit. Then, no the in-laws could not come. Would I plan on coming! Oh, yes! Then, it was back to the in-laws coming. Again, fine with me. We did go up a couple of days after DIL and gs were released from the hospital. Got a motel for our stay and commuted from there to their apt. In-laws were there and were going to be there for about 4 weeks. Poor DIL was wiped out. She was breastfeeding, and had given her room up to her parents (they are quite elderly and DIL was sleeping on an air mattress in the babies room. I felt so sorry for her. I told her she was not to anything but nap and feed the baby. She did not have to entertain us. We could entertain ourselves, which we did. It was awkard (sp) because I do not speak any Japanese and her parents' English was suspect at best. We only stayed a couple of hours that day and went back the next day. DIL was in tears with her breasts. All I could advise her on was to put cold cabbage leaves on them, as I knew nothing about nursing babies.
Daughter and her husband adopted a baby in October. They did not want us to go to the hospital in case things went bad. They took her the baby home on Sunday and we went down on Monday. They were allowed to leave the state on Friday and we stayed a couple of days after that. We try to see the baby every weekend, as they both work and everybody is cranky at the end of the day. We were some help in the week we were all in Florida.
Rose...
Your post about your DM reminded me of my mother and I. She is very anti-staying at the house when she visits my brother; she just wouldn't want to put anyone out. Also, she is my best friend in the entire world (aside from DH), but she and I both have our limits. I think 3 days together is about enough fun for us both. It's nice that we can love each other despite our need for space and downtime.
When I was still able to go to Hawaii and visit Kirk (and we are practically one-heartbeat) I don't stay at their house and they have a guest room with a bath. And when he comes here, he has his own little place about 7 miles down the road.
Here we are:
(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc491/luisevolta/mom_and_Kirk_2.jpg)
First, thanks for the responses.
Holliberri - my ILs are like yours, guests not helpers. My MIL (still to this day) compares all the gc to GSILs kids - literally everything, everytime. I know that I need to talk to my DH about it but since I think the root of my MIL problem is a problem btwn my DH & his DM, I'm not sure how far I'll get.
Lancaster Lady - Thank you for putting into words how my ILs would be feeling. My parents haven't confirmed the dates (since I don't have my csection date set yet). I know this is MILs gc however, sometimes its hard to give up my most precious moments to someone that chooses not to be involved in anything other than our special occasions. I also don't like that we are gossip fodder for the FOO or that our kids pics are sent to people we haven't spoken to in years. I think part of the reasonthey want to come is so they can say they came (in the past just visiting our DD MIL spends more time on the phone with GSIL & her kids then actually WITH our DD.
Rose - Of course you are entitled to an opinion. I have to say I have reread what you wrote... the thought of "counting on MIL" gives me shivers... I KNOW she would help us no matter what & then turn around and spread whatever pain/suffering we experienced to everyone within earshot. My husband grew up sensoring his words but I find it difficult to anticipate how what I say is twisted into something else. Its like trusting a convicted robber with your money... just never comfortable with it. That being said, your post makes me wish for that relationship (even though I don't think it'll ever happen). The entire family is p/a and pretends that no one wrongs anyone a or misunderstands never never take place. They discuss them - with everyone BUT the person that incurred them. I just don't know how to get there- especially without the support of my DH (he never wants me to "say something"
FAFE_ wow your DS & DIL have a lot going on - I can't imagine how grateful they must feel for your support instead of your demands. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for your to put what YOU want aside following their lead instead.
And of course Louise, I would LOVE for ILs to come and visit the new arrival but to be here every second for a couple weeks is too much! HI don't know how I would ask them to stay elsewhere (and I don't know if they could afford it). I can only imagine the You've got a 4 bdrm house blah blah blah
I canasked my DH to buy themplane tickets so we could control how long they were here (he flies a lot for wk and & has FF miles)but they want to drive. It'll take them 3 days each way & to make the trip "worthwhile for them, they 'll want to stay longer. Plus invite my DHs DCousins who live several hours away to visit too.
Thank you for your words and more concrete advise like should I speak to DM directlydirectly even though DH has said not to? Last visit I asked direct how long they were staying and MIL refused to answer... just need to know how to move forward with some consideration for OUR needs versus theirs.
thanks & love!
If they are in a hotel,let's hope they run out of money before you run out of patience.
Quote from: luise.volta on January 27, 2011, 04:35:02 PM
I am of the school that visitors stay else where. I need my privacy and my rest and I am not a new mother. (I am a very old great, grandmother.) If this doesn't work for them, then the visit if off. My home is my castle. 8)
Privacy? What's that? Coming from a family of 8, that word wasn't often used at my house. :D :D
Stilltrying, your job is to do nothing but heal & enjoy your baby & family. No matter who it is, if they're aren't there to help, they have no business being there period. Do what feels right for you...
Stilltrying, you are a thoughtful person to consider your mil. She should feel blessed. I've never met anyone more overbearing & cantankerous than my mil. We never really had a heart to heart discussion, but over time, we developed an "understanding." That worked out just as well.
I hope things improve between you & mil...
Quote from: holliberri on January 27, 2011, 05:10:05 PM
Your post about your DM reminded me of my mother and I. Also, she is my best friend in the entire world (aside from DH), but she and I both have our limits. I think 3 days together is about enough fun for us both. It's nice that we can love each other despite our need for space and downtime.
I've stayed a month with dm. When things start closing in, we just go to our neutral corners for a while... ;D
Quote from: luise.volta on January 27, 2011, 05:15:01 PM
Here we are:
(http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc491/luisevolta/mom_and_Kirk_2.jpg)
Very, very nice, Luise. Were they all taken with your new camera? As my Df said to dh when dd was born, "you can't claim that one isn't yours!" ;) ;D
No a friend took that about 5 years ago. Isn't he a "fox?" 8)
Quote from: luise.volta on January 27, 2011, 06:27:53 PM
No a friend took that about 5 years ago. Isn't he a "fox?" 8)
Yes 'um... And he's married -- with children? ;) :D ;D
If this is your first child please read the "Lemon Clot" essay. I am a mother of two and all I can say is the following tips. I wish you a quick and easy recovery.
Anyone who visits for more than 30 minutes a day should be prepared to:
Clean as needed or requested or Cook
Leave the room while you breastfeed (if you are)
Willing to fetch and carry for you as you rest (you can't even drive for 5 days after a c section- too much movement and not enough rest slows down recovery)
Understand that MOM is the one that took care of the baby for 9 months and should ALWAYS get her baby back when requested and guests should be more than happy they are able to visit so soon anyway. Same for DAD.
Visitors should be understanding that you may not want visitors for the first two weeks.
Do you really want to have to worry about not getting blood all over the bathroom your guests will use? Breaking into weeping and hormonal moods? Will you feel bad or worry if you decide that you want to nap instead of entertain? What if you are so engorged that wearing a shirt is painful? You won't be able to be half naked with guests. How will you get baby on a schedule if there are people in and out, all over the place?
It is not unreasonable or wrong to only want your mom or mom/dad with you. YOU are the one that went through all that work and have undergone a medical procedure and know who will be of the most help and comfort. (Sorry, but while my MIL is awesome, I went with my mom because there are times in life when you want some comfort. My MIL understood and explained that she knew I wasn't trying to slight her, that I was doing what was most comfortable for ME and that the baby wasn't going anywhere.)
On not telling you how long they will stay:
BAD SIGN. While she is the grandmother YOU are the mom and the wife- she doesn't get a vote or a way to decide how long you host them or allow them to traipse into your home. Have your husband (if you think he can be firm with them) say that they can visit after X date for X amount of time. Please, for your sanity, don't let them stay with you.
There is no "Their needs" right now. There are you, your husband's and your baby's needs; everyone should and must respect that.
My own mother was so useless after my second child was born I knew why I had asked my mil to be there when I had my first. I agree with SisterAI (welcome BTW) if you are there for more then a few minutes.. pitch in if necessary. We ended up with more photos of my mom holding my baby then of me holding him, and it was because I was having to keep up with my 2 year old while she 'tended' to the baby. Needless to say when something happened with my dad and she had to leave, I thanked the man for small miracles.
Stilltrying - did you read what I wrote on the boundaries thread? About NOT assuming the person meant something the "wrong" way.
So, change your mind! MIL may have been asking to make sure you had help. (Wouldn't that be nice?). Of course she wants to see the new baby! She's already in love with him/her too.
So then, what works for you? What compromise can you see happening? Is DH taking some time off?
I did some math and figured that you were due at the end of May. So how about you invite them for the week leading up to the Fourth of July? That way your oldest will be out of school and you can send Gma & Gpa to the park with your oldest and the dog. Maybe they can have a picnic! And then, maybe they can stay with the baby while YOU have a date with your oldest (even if it's just a backyard picnic).
Have DH talk to them and explain to them that 2-3 weeks is just too much for you and that you WANT to have a good visit with them, but it's just too much. Have him explain that you'll have help for the first week(s), but you'll need more when your oldest is out of school. This will make them feel helpful and needed.
But don't wait for them to ASK to visit, INVITE them, with the boundaries you NEED.
Quote from: Scoop on January 28, 2011, 07:44:27 AM
But don't wait for them to ASK to visit, INVITE them, with the boundaries you NEED.
You mean it can really be that easy?! I've doing it doing it all wrong for the past 30+ years! Great advice!
Luise, love the picture, what a beautiful family!!!!!!!
stilltrying.....
First, wishing you congrats on the new baby....how exciting....
Next, regarding the situation with your IL's....lady, your in charge, this is your time...so, do what best accomodates you and the new baby....however, if it were me, and I had a C-section and was coming home with a new baby, I surely wouldn't want anyone staying at the house but my mom....and even then, only a few days....
Staying at someone's home 2 or 3 weeks, to me is way to long and over staying a welcome....(unless this agrees with both parties) I would never go to my DIL's home and expect to stay there for longer then 7 days, and that was just once, most times, it is 2 days flying down and back, and three days there at the most...and I've made up my mind, if I stay any longer then that, I will stay in a motel period. Reason being, I like my quiet private morning time.....however, not everyone feels like I do, and do not mind house guests for that long....if it works out for everyone fine....I'm not even having a baby, and it would drive me nuts to have someone stay at my home for two to three weeks? But that is just me....
So, my point is, again, this is your time, and no one else's, and getting used to a new baby, is difficult, and I've heard recouping from a C-section is also difficult, therefore, do what best suits you....and if someone takes offense, that is not your problem, it's they're problem....
When my DIL had her baby, my son's father and his witchy wife, whom my DIL gets along with, but knows how controlling she is, stayed for a week...I stayed away, until I was invited down...
Now, as far as I'm concerned, if they wanted to come here and visit me, that's fine, I have enough room and they're own bath...however, it wouldn't both me how long they stayed....but they are family....I just couldn't stay at someone's home for two or three weeks....
Now there are DIL's and MIL's who get along and that works just fine for them, so, it is strictly personal prefrence.
My mom has taken great pride in staying at a hotel for visits with my brother. His ILs don't do that, bring an entourage and lounge all over the place for days on end...my SIL is ready to see them go when they leave. My mom gets a huge kick out of respecting their privacy; I think it's great. Instead of being upset that she isn't invited, she sees it as helping even more. Good way to look at it, I think. Could it be presented this way...StillTrying?
I think the greatest gift when my kids were born would have been.. well of course a pedicure.. but a housekeeping service to come in. I would have been so much more relaxed if the big stuff was taken care of.. and when my mil did clean for me I almost felt a little guilty... also because I knew she was coming after the birth of my first child, I was cleaning at midnight when I went into labor, trying to have everything done in advance (also didn't want mil to think I couldn't keep a clean house)
Quote from: holliberri on January 28, 2011, 09:03:08 AM
My mom has taken great pride in staying at a hotel for visits with my brother. His ILs don't do that, bring an entourage and lounge all over the place for days on end...my SIL is ready to see them go when they leave. My mom gets a huge kick out of respecting their privacy; I think it's great. Instead of being upset that she isn't invited, she sees it as helping even more. Good way to look at it, I think. Could it be presented this way...StillTrying?
Your mom sounds awesome..... ;D
I will say this....
Once I had to have surgery, and My MIL came to help when I came home from the hospital and that was a huge help.
I love Scoop's advice! I was thinking when I read the original post that instead of looking at MILs questions as negatives, maybe look at them as positives. You said she had been polite since Christmas and maybe she was asking about your parents visit because she didn't want to intrude and wanted to offer to visit and help after they leave? Maybe she is trying to change?
I think in another thread that was the suggestions that the MIL could do that would be nice. Offer to come later and help?
Now, I do think there needs to be respect of your boundaries and that she should stay at a hotel and only visit for a little while. And I think there is nothing wrong with giving out the rules you are comfortable with and recognizing her need to see her GC. If she doesn't want to follow the boundaries (as long as you are willing to include her somehow) then she has not changed.
I believe in second chances if someone is sincere.
Pooh, your post makes a lot of sense.
Thanks Pen. She said they were now talking some and I would hate to think they are both making an effort and have it all go awry because of a misunderstanding. Although I think MIL should have just asked her while she was on the phone instead of asking DS about the ILs. Would have cleared up what she meant by it.
Thanks for your words of wisdom.
Scoop - I DID read what you wrote (actually have read a book called the 4 agreement don miguel ruiz that has some mysticism stuff I personally disregarded but the 4 ideas of intentions, taking things personally, not having expectations, & trying your best). Maybe I should reread it :)
I fully admit that I am guessing at MILs intentions. I feel I am dancing around her because she dances around me - nothing is ever discussed btwn her & I - she chooses to go through her son & I seem to get stuck dealing with the outcomes. If I am excluded (always) from her discussions about coming down here, why would I be considering her? (I am not at all meaning to sound offended by what you wrote, I am not - just asking questions back)
My DH & I talked about her coming & he said Could you blame her for being excited about meeting her new grandchild? No, not at all. We've spoken 4 times since she found out (in october) that I am pregnant (inc once for xmas & once for my bday). So I guess she isn't living up to MY expectations of what an excited grandmother is. Add in that all conversations include a How's DD #1 and nothing more - does not call when dd is awake talk to her, send her even an email - then it is a discussion of GSIL & her great children or who in the FOO is screwing up.
All that being said, I almost think you are right in that I will have to bite the bullet and ask her if she plans on coming here. Is that the same thing as an invitation? I don't think so either, maybe I need to sort out more of my angry feelings first
Nice picture Luise. I have to figure out how to do that on this software.
I agree with you 150% that "Guests are like fish, after three days they stink". That's a quote I read once from Ben Franklin and 250 years later is more true.
I have room in my house for guests and find it very stressfull if it goes over a week. Just because I feel it is my responsibility to keep everyone comfortable. It does become a B&B and I am exhausted. My mother has always been under the mindset that she needs to be waited on when she visits. Even when she was my age now, she would come over my house when I had just had my son, which was a week before Christmas and expect a meal and be treated like she was at a resort, my house. I was a young silly girl who thought I had to oblige. My ex-mother-in-law was worse. Nightmares, :( when I think back at those days.
So young miss who is pregnant, take the advise from all these "Wise Women" and YOU set the rules on the visit. A hotel that serves free breakfast, sites they might enjoy in the area and an afternoon visit AFTER lunch. Dinner could be a pizza delivery or THEY can go pick up some take out. The point being that YOU, a first time Mom or even if this were your fourth child does not have to entertain people even if you are related.
It's your home...your family unit...you make the rules. Sending love...
Every situation is different, and every new mom/dad has different needs and comfort levels. My second MIL was a dream, way more supportive and able to intuit my needs than my own DM, but I wouldn't have wanted my first MIL anywhere near me as a new mom.
Don't feel obligated to do anything or to not do something. It's your say. However, there are kind, accepting, sensitive ways to let people know what you want, and there are rude, humiliating, hurtful ways. Pick the kind way.
Quote from: Pen on January 29, 2011, 10:30:20 AM
Don't feel obligated to do anything or to not do something. It's your say. However, there are kind, accepting, sensitive ways to let people know what you want, and there are rude, humiliating, hurtful ways. Pick the kind way.
Well put, Pen. Your gentle kindness will go a long way, hopefully with pay backs of the same. On the other hand, hurt breeds hurt. I remember when ds was born (our first child and the first gc on my dh's side of the family), my mil asked to come "help out" after I came home from the hospital. I knew my mil was excited in her new role and I complied - it was nice to share our joy. She was kind to me but I can't say we were really good friends. She came for the day (not overnight - she lived close by) and ended up sleeping on the couch when the baby was sleeping and I made lunch and did laundry. I found humor in it, but didn't really mind. I couldn't picture her making me lunch - I much preferred to make my own (and hers while I was at it). The way I see it, the more people to love your child/ren, the better.
Hugs, Hope
Thanks, Hope. What a cute story about your MIL napping.
Yup, the more the merrier when it comes to people who love your kids, I agree. Mine were surrounded by friends 'cos we didn't have family who were close. When it turned out our child was disabled it was nice to have that support when the going got rough. I would have loved to have had my MIL close by, she was wonderful.
Quote from: Hope on January 29, 2011, 04:48:14 PM
Quote from: Pen on January 29, 2011, 10:30:20 AM
Don't feel obligated to do anything or to not do something. It's your say. However, there are kind, accepting, sensitive ways to let people know what you want, and there are rude, humiliating, hurtful ways. Pick the kind way.
Well put, Pen. Your gentle kindness will go a long way, hopefully with pay backs of the same. On the other hand, hurt breeds hurt. I remember when ds was born (our first child and the first gc on my dh's side of the family), my mil asked to come "help out" after I came home from the hospital. I knew my mil was excited in her new role and I complied - it was nice to share our joy. She was kind to me but I can't say we were really good friends. She came for the day (not overnight - she lived close by) and ended up sleeping on the couch when the baby was sleeping and I made lunch and did laundry. I found humor in it, but didn't really mind. I couldn't picture her making me lunch - I much preferred to make my own (and hers while I was at it). The way I see it, the more people to love your child/ren, the better.
Hugs, Hope
From one who felt like a whipped puppy on each of the days my 2 gc were born, thank you, Hope & Pen. Your comments are very much appreciated.
Tara, my heart is with you...
Stilltrying - I would say that you have more of a DH problem than a MIL problem! If MIL talks to him about visiting, he should be saying "That sounds great, I'll talk to Stilltrying and see what works for us." He doesn't have to say "NO WAY! Not until I ask Stilltrying's permission!" But it's about him seeing that you and he are a unit and that you make decisions together.
So yeah, DH should NOT be making plans for MIL to visit without talking to you about it. But, that doesn't mean you should be mad at MIL about it. Of course she's talking to her son, she knows him better, and she knows how to talk to him so that he agrees with her.
For me, I can talk to my DH and he (usually) listens. So I would talk to him (calmly) about how many people are in your marriage (you, DH & MIL?) and how many people will "parent" the new baby (you, DH, MIL, your Mom, the neighbour, the stranger in the store who insists that your baby needs a hat?) But if your DH is not self-aware enough for that. You might have to go see a marriage counselor for a few sessions to 'tweak' your marriage, in preparation for the baby. I don't see any shame in that. You don't want a small problem to become a big problem.
Maybe you can change the dynamic too. Talk to DH about what you're comfortable with and then YOU call MIL and invite them for ONE WEEK, and how do these dates sound? (Be specific and emphasize that ONE WEEK, so say June 24th to July 1st or June 28th to July 5th.)
Good luck!
The person you need to worry about being the least offended is YOU! :) As long as you aren't doing anything to be nasty or cruel, don't worry about accommodating everyone! They will get to see their grandchild, and hopefully they remember what it's like for your body to go through labor and remember that everyone handles it differently. Don't focus on what would be "fair" at that point in time because it's not ever a "fair" comparison. My mom seeing me in that kind of position and anyone else's mom seeing me in that position are two completely different things! Be fair to yourself- I hear it is quite an experience! :) Just set the right expectations and if someone else doesn't handle it gracefully, well that's their problem!
Stilltryin - I know the grandparents are excited to see a new baby. But MIL should know better. 2-3 weeks is WAY too long to come when you are getting used to living with a newborn again. Also, don't leave it up to them to decide how long they stay. It is YOUR house. 3 days tops, or they can stay in a hotel. Your house is not a hotel for them. DH may do all the talking, but apparently, he doesn't want to tell his mother she's overstayed her welcome, and that is not fair to YOU. When I had my second baby, my MIL stayed for a week, and went around rearranging my furniture and cleaning out my pantry because DH said it was okay. It was NOT okay. It is your house and they need to have the respect and courtesy to see that. Your IL's do not. So you should have a strong talk with DH. 3 days and hotel. Or just 3 days. But you are too busy too be stressed out by their visit. Remember, it is YOUR house. YOU are the one home all day, not him. You set the rules. Also, please read on DILsociety.com. Good luck.
Maria,
Haha...your cleaning out the pantry story reminded me of one of my own. In 2008, my G-ma came to town and thought all of my spices were expired. She chucked them.
My bad for replacing my McCormick spices with authentic ones from the places I visited while I was overseas. I should've labeled them better. I figured I'd eventually get around to replacing the McCormick jars with something nicer, but I couldn't afford it then. Besides, the only one that used them was me.
That was probably $500 worth of spices I lost. :(
I'd be careful going to the DIL site posted above. I've been there and found that DILs can easily get jaded there and start foaming at the mouth looking for new ways to fault their MILs. And I'm a DIL.
Quote from: Mariatobe on February 01, 2011, 11:52:48 AM
Also, please read on DILsociety.com. Good luck.
Hmmm this is the website that has the opening banner asking "Are you in MIL hell?" I think you're going to be met with some resistance on that one Mariatobe. While we speak of families being enmeshed I don't think any of us want to be connect with that website in any way.
Quote from: holliberri on February 01, 2011, 12:02:41 PM
Maria,
Haha...your cleaning out the pantry story reminded me of one of my own. In 2008, my G-ma came to town and thought all of my spices were expired. She chucked them.
My bad for replacing my McCormick spices with authentic ones from the places I visited while I was overseas. I should've labeled them better. I figured I'd eventually get around to replacing the McCormick jars with something nicer, but I couldn't afford it then. Besides, the only one that used them was me.
That was probably $500 worth of spices I lost. :(
But her heart was in the right place
Wait,
I didn't catch that last part...Maria, you're on there?
I'm on there too, and I don't find that site helpful at all. It turns my little annoyance with my MIL into rage. All it does is provide me validation, and I don't need that 100% of the time. I need to tamp it down, not crank it up. I've never posted, but I do have a profile. Actually, the stories on there are what lead me to my "no e-mailing" stance with ILs. So I guess it has helped in that respect.
Still, when I read those stories, I want to move to Antartica and cutoff my ILs, and that's just not necessary at this juncture.
I'm recommending not going to that site; you already have your feelings about your IL and their behavior; you don't need other people's stories to add to it.
QuoteBut her heart was in the right place
No it wasn't. Her heart should've NEVER been in my pantry. :P
I am so proud of you ladies! Seriously, holli...overwhelmed...you up for adoption???? Huh huh????
See my mil was so wonderful when I was younger.. she would have not only gotten rid of what she thought were outdated spices (although she would have asked first) but she would have run to the store and picked up fresh replacements, and then cooked a dinner using them before she cleaned my kitchen from top to bottom and brought me a cup of hot coffee with just the right amount of cream because she knows how I like it. Now that's a MIL
Quote from: Pooh on February 01, 2011, 12:20:55 PM
I am so proud of you ladies! Seriously, holli...overwhelmed...you up for adoption???? Huh huh????
No Pooh... and so sorry .. Holli and I have already bonded.. we discovered that we both can live without WoW.. We both found humor in anal probes.. and we both love the recording artist Pink, for her spunk. And the most endearing thing... she likes rats too.
Oh geesh....now I have to digress cause I can't stand PINK or rats.... But I can still hold out hope for overwhelmed? :D
Pooh,
It's true, it's true. :D
Quote from: Pooh on February 01, 2011, 12:25:43 PM
Oh geesh....now I have to digress cause I can't stand PINK or rats.... But I can still hold out hope for overwhelmed? :D
I can't stand Pink either, and I would love to be adopted! Done and done! :)
I don't know how you can't like Pink.. she like took my attitude and put it to music for me.
Holli - I'm on that website, and thought I would come over here for a while. I love the other site, and I have gotten some good advice, but thought I would try to see the MIL's perspective as well. My MIL is hell to deal with because she is a narcissist, arrogant and has an everything you've done, I can top you attitude. Everything is about her. I wish I could adopt Laurie's MIL. She sounded really sweet. I have limited contact with my MIL, and pick and choose my battles. My DH does talk to her, we have NOT cut her out. But I have limited my contact with her. I used to date a guy for a long time who had wonderful parents whom I loved deeply. But sadly, he passed away. You can't always choose your family I guess, and I go to different sites for advice. Try to get it from all the way around. I am new to this one, but reading what the ladies are saying. I've noticed some people on this site are anti DIL. But not all. That's good. I think a lot of you ladies are very supportive. Even the MIL's (that's a joke by the way:)
Still tryin - I will say this. You have to pick and choose your battles with MIL. 2-3 weeks would be one that I would choose. To stay that long after just having a baby says to me she has no respect for you and your feelings whatsoever. It's all about her. How long SHE chooses to stay. After all, she didn't answer you before when you asked her a direct question. Tell DH it is YOUR house, he gets to go to work while you stay home all day... with a new baby....with a 5 year old....with a year old puppy...and HER. YOU can respect she wants to see the baby, but it is either 3 days (or however long you choose) or she cannot come. It is up to you. You don't need the stress of breastfeeding, being up all night, taking care of an infant AND child, and have to see her everyday. Your temper will become very short. Good luck.
Holli - I'm sorry about the spices, I hope you can replace them soon!
Maria,
I suppose if that site works for you that's fine. It did actually direct me here and I haven't been back. Too much of the advice on there resorts to "CO" (cutting off), without considering any other alternatives.
I think the longer you stick around you'll see that hardly anyone on here is anti-DIL.
Welcome to the boards. I'm very sorry bout your boyfriend; I imagine what that must be like, but I can relate to the parents part. I was in love with my ex's parents, just not him. Now I'm in love with my DH but not his MIL. I'd rather have it this way.
Quote from: holliberri on February 01, 2011, 01:16:56 PM
Maria,
I suppose if that site works for you that's fine. It did actually direct me here and I haven't been back. Too much of the advice on there resorts to "CO" (cutting off), without considering any other alternatives.
I think the longer you stick around you'll see that hardly anyone on here is anti-DIL.
Welcome to the boards. I'm very sorry bout your boyfriend; I imagine what that must be like, but I can relate to the parents part. I was in love with my ex's parents, just not him. Now I'm in love with my DH but not his MIL. I'd rather have it this way.
Not only is it cutoff city there, but any offer of perspective is taken SO harshly. It's like if I would read a post that said "my MIL came into my house and BREATHED wrong! can you believe how rude that is??" I'd say something like, "you know, I really don't understand what the big deal is with your MIL breathing...I mean she is ALIVE and all, if she's a bad MIL she will do enough to bury herself without you just looking for things to pin on her." Then I'd get a snotty comment back that I just don't understand or something...like I don't have my own MIL problems. Even as I'm sitting here cut off from them, I find myself on this site because I hold out hope that one day they'll come to their senses. CO isn't as fun as they make it out to be.
Quote from: Mariatobe on February 01, 2011, 01:07:18 PM
I've noticed some people on this site are anti DIL. But not all.
I don't really know of anyone here that is truly anti-dil as a general rule.. but some of us are having issues with our dil's. I was going to say that without a dil I'd never have grandchildren.. but ahhh Elton proved me wrong.
I have looked at the dun-de-dun-dun "other" site and I came away with a very defined anti-mil feeling. It's that little princess with a spur up her butt attitude that you don't really see here. Matter of fact thinking about it.. I have more issues here with the other MIL's then I ever have with DIL's.
Cut-Offs stink! And yes, this coming from a MIL/Mother that isn't speaking to her DIL/DS. I prefer to think of it as they are on time-out. But I will always hold hope that they will own up to their part in the falling out, as I have, and come back around some day. I did it for my own sanity and self-worth because life is too short to dwell on things you can not change.
Woo hoo! Adopted DIL! And I promise OW not to send you a meat dress ;D
OH...by the way...I love the COLOR pink, I hope that's okay!!
Oh yeah! I love the color!
I sat my DS & FDIL down before they got married and asked them how they planned to address the holidays. We talked about it and they decided they would split them. We all live within 45 minutes of each other, our family, her family and DS/DIL. They have Christmas Eve together, that's their rule - and we alternate Christmas Day. Thanksgiving is always at our house because her mom works on Thanksgiving, and the following day, Friday, they have "Thanksgiving" at her parents' home. Thus far we've had no issues.
The wedding was a bit of a nightmare, but I stuck up for myself when needed. 'Nuff said there.
When they were going to have a baby, she started making up all these ridiculous rules. I would roll my eyes, but went along with them. My DS called me and said we weren't going to be allowed in the birth room. I laughed and said, "Gee, guess what? We DON'T WANT to be in the birth room. Your dad and I feel that you, DIL and baby should be there. That's a private event as far as we're concerned." Turns out, the rule was that we couldn't be there, but her parents could - but that's okay. I totally get it that DIL is very attached to her folks and I'm happy about that. I get it that we're not going to be that close to her and we're okay with that.
Here is my beef as an MIL. I totally understand that we are not her parents and won't ever be treated on a level playing field. That being said, we have not been invited to their home since they had the baby 2 1/2 months ago. Her parents have been over numerous times, have been invited to dinner, etc. You'd think we could have been invited once. We do see the baby pretty often, but they bring her to our house. In another couple of months, I know I'll make it clear to DS that, hey, we're not asking for that much here kiddo. Just a little bit of parity - plus, I'm dying to see the baby's room!
ST, too funny about the birthing room. I wonder what made her think you'd want to be there for that :o
I didn't want anyone with me and then my Dad ended up being there accidentally. And thought it was a good idea to start taping with his camera too. Unfortunately this was one of the few times that he couldn't control his emotions so his hand was shaking and he got crotch shots. Instead of the artistic over the shoulder, no beaver stuff that most people do.
Your DS and DIL were ok with the sit down meeting about holidays? I'd be a little leery of someone sitting me down to discuss that.
I couldn't imagine having my mom in the birthing room with me but my dad?.. ewwww no.. I mean what kind of accident landed him in there.. did be make a left instead of a right while going to the men's room?
I also think it's kinda odd about sitting down and discussing the holiday layout.. this is only setting everyone up for failure.. Kinda like the grandparent who had an agreement that she would get possession of her gc'd once every 3 weeks for no less then 36 hours etc. Of course the discussion of holidays have come up, but all we ever said was.. make them fun.. and don't forget to make them about you as a couple. This year my son and dil took a Christmas cruise... I mean I would have loved to have had them for Christmas but weighing it out.. Mom's Christmas Cookies vs Ship Cruise to Cozumel.. well I know what I would have done.
We never discussed it either. I assumed we were all caring, sensitive adults & it would work out for all. Instead, DIL's parents took what they wanted and we fit ourselves in around the edges. Maybe a discussion would have been better.
DS & DIL also take trips @ the holidays, but with DIL's FOO. I sort of do resent that, even though I would never ask him to trade an exotic locale for a boring holiday with us.
No one was around when I went into labor but him. We thought he'd drive me there and get me settled in and then he'd take off. DD made a very fast appearance though. As soon as the nurse checked me she yelled at him to come over from behind the curtain and hold one of my legs up while she prepared the tables and called the dr. And she called him Dad as if he was the Dad of the baby. Of course he was too shaken up to correct anyone at the time (and I'm not even sure that he understood that they had NO idea that he was MY Dad, not the baby Dad) so I have memories of the nurses and Dr calling "Dad" over to check out DD's weight and everything. I tried correcting all of them but they kept telling me to breathe and wouldn't listen to me.
While I couldn't look him in the eye for a full year after that episode -- considering my other options at the time, he was probably the best choice to be there for something like that. DD's father probably would have fainted, my Mom would have a massive anxiety attack. Dad just did what they told him. LOL
Oh, no, sorry, it wasn't like a command discussion. They were over for dinner one night and we were sitting around chatting about the wedding, marriage, etc. and we started chatting about the holidays, which is why it came up. I told them that we had this same arrangement with hubby's mom (dad died before I met him) and they thought it was a great idea. It's not carved in stone, in fact, this past Christmas we had to revamp completely and it worked. If they came to me and said, "Hey, we're going to be out of town this Christmas, so we're not going to be here," we'd work around it. The point that I've tried to make to DIL is that we love our son just as much as her folks love her. While we don't want to interfere with their lives, we want to be included and be a part of their lives. Fortunately, she seems to understand this. Thus, while she has her folks over and they do things with her folks 90% of the time and we get perhaps 10%, at least we haven't been completely shut out.
Ha, but when I re-read my post, "I sat them down........" it does sound like I had them over for a specific issue. I'm taking much too much license with my words. Sorry about that.
It's ok.. but there have been some MIL's who have tried to force the signing of a contract when it came to holidays.. we're just making sure we understood it correctly.
When it became obvious that the waters were being testing concerning holidays.. My son piped up with.. but you need to understand mom that holidays with the family are extremely important to my wife.. I said no, holidays with her family are important. I'm not going to try and force anyone, but I'm not going to play dumb either.
Another time and I may have mentioned this before... surprised visit from ds/dil.. I had like a days notice.. ok how much fun.. they go onto her parents where they have a full blown birthday party for my son, tickets for all 15+ to go to the baseball game the next day, etc.. I never thought I looked that dumb but I guess I do.. I asked. hmmm we had a days notice that you were coming in for a day.. and her family had the same one days notice and they were able to plan ALL this including a B-day celebration for my son.. wow I think her family knew weeks in advance and for some reason I don't think dil had any intentions of letting us know that they would be in the area.. My son finally confirmed my thoughts.. I was more upset with him thinking that I am that naive and can be so easily fooled.
Each time asked my son what they were doing for Christmas ...''Not sure ''...''Don't know '' .....
This was my only GD and her first Christmas .
As the holidays came nearer, still no plans ...!
Then we could maybe fit you in 27th Dec .....how kind of you to think of me !!!
So it turns out they went to DIL FOO for three days and nights !
Was this a spare of the moment plan ? I think not .!
Why do DIL not accept that GK have two sets of GP's ??
I guess my question is also... why doesn't the dil's parents see what is going on.. or do they as they celebrate that bit of information silently.
Oh I'm sure they see it.
My in law's do but it's ok, they are special. Seriously. MIL has told me how special her childrens sibling relationship is and how that is the most important relationship in families, she thinks most people don't act that way. As if mine is not? And frankly, my siblings and I actually like each other and talk quite a bit.
lancaster lady - I couldn't agree with you more. Both sets of gp's are equally important! I look at women who disregard their in-laws' feelings without real cause as being very selfish and disrespectful to their dh - or ds - depending on whether they are the dil/mil (excluding cases where they are being mistreated by in-laws). For some reason, men are typically wimps when it comes to sticking up for their own foo. I don't think men want to fight about it especially with their wives when women usually have a lot stronger emotional connection with people and relationships in general.
Feeling your pain. :'(
Hugs, Hope
Quote from: pam1 on February 05, 2011, 12:52:45 PM
Oh I'm sure they see it.
My in law's do but it's ok, they are special. Seriously. MIL has told me how special her childrens sibling relationship is and how that is the most important relationship in families, she thinks most people don't act that way. As if mine is not? And frankly, my siblings and I actually like each other and talk quite a bit.
Last time we were in a surrounding with my dil's parents.. I walked over to my son as he was sitting down and wrapped my arms around him from behind and simply said, gosh I've missed you... the look my dil's father gave me made me realize that he has no clue that we love our kids, or that we are affectionate with our kids, or that my son would not hesitate to acknowledge with his own.. I've missed you too mom. I really think that they see only themselves as being special in the kids lives... I don't know where that came from but it was odd.
Maybe that's why my son seems so sad ...maybe he misses us as much as we miss him ...
Hopefully he'll find his voice one day ....and oh boy am I going to make a fuss of him at his wedding !
Thanks Laurie , might raise a few eyebrows ... ;D
Quote from: Laurie on February 05, 2011, 01:03:55 PM
Quote from: pam1 on February 05, 2011, 12:52:45 PM
Oh I'm sure they see it.
My in law's do but it's ok, they are special. Seriously. MIL has told me how special her childrens sibling relationship is and how that is the most important relationship in families, she thinks most people don't act that way. As if mine is not? And frankly, my siblings and I actually like each other and talk quite a bit.
Last time we were in a surrounding with my dil's parents.. I walked over to my son as he was sitting down and wrapped my arms around him from behind and simply said, gosh I've missed you... the look my dil's father gave me made me realize that he has no clue that we love our kids, or that we are affectionate with our kids, or that my son would not hesitate to acknowledge with his own.. I've missed you too mom. I really think that they see only themselves as being special in the kids lives... I don't know where that came from but it was odd.
I call those WTH moments. There was plenty of those here too.
This summer DD went home with my Dad/SM after they visited out here for a week. Before they left on the plane we went to lunch with MIL/FIL. After DD/Dad/SM took off for the airport, FIL turns around and looks at me and says that he's really shocked that DD left with Dad/SM. He thought she didn't know them too well.
It's like if they can't see it, it doesn't happen.
QuoteBoth sets of gp's are equally important! I look at women who disregard their in-laws' feelings without real cause as being very selfish and disrespectful to their dh - or ds - depending on whether they are the dil/mil (excluding cases where they are being mistreated by in-laws).
I sometimes wonder if I am being inconsiderate of them or if I have really "bad" ILs. The thing with the timing around the actual birth is, ILs are no help. They came when our 1st DD was born for 3 wks (overlapping my parents who came for 5 days). After my parents left they did nothing, no dinners, cleaning, just criticism of how we were parenting and comparisons to GSILs children.
ILs came again after I had a surgery (my mom came for the initial 2wks) and ILs for 2 wks after that. It was abdominal incision (just like a c-section) and DD was 18 mos old. The said that if DD needed help in the night I could get up come to their room wake them and have them come to DDs room to get her... umm this is "helping"? why not just have her monitor in your rm?
Our situation now stands that I no longer call MIL because all she does is talk about GSILs children or FOO issues/gossip. She doesn't ask about us or our life (which I should see as a good thing) but have to say I never offer up much info since she IS such a passer of information... am I wrong in thinking that if she cared she might show some concern? Or call when our DD is awake?
The only times MIL wants to visit us is for free vacations (we're apparently full-service) and at major life events. Am I supposed to perceive this as caring? Isnt there supposed to be a relationship btwn the parties involved? I often feel like she just wants to say My son in XX is (having a baby, built a new house or needs my help) yet then comes and... nothing.
Is it my negative outlook on the visits (even before they happen) causing it? Someone posted about direct & indirect talker & that seems to apply a lot to us. The thing is, my parents are they type to say If you can be here great, if not we understand while his demand attendance and they will keep on asking to try to wear you down. Interesting since we never hear from them... basically DH speaks to his FOO once every 6 wks or so
I am thinking my expectations of them are what gets me into trouble but how do you not expect people to be "normal"? Should MIL expect to visit her new grandchild the week its born especially when there has been no involvement with us or about us in the preceding 9 mos?
I am sorry this is rambling but DH and I are "discussing" this to death - he this its all in my head and says he cant understand why I just don't tune them out. Trust, I wish I knewhow.
stilltrying2010,
Please don't take what I wrote to mean that I think you should be walked on by your in-laws. It seems unreasonable to me to expect your ds/dil to host an extended visit especially immediately after the birth of your child. Honestly, if you are recovering it would seem a caring in-law would do all they could to lend a hand. If your in-laws are planning to visit while your dh is away all day, I think it should be up to you whether they stay at your house and for how long. I would like to think that your dh would want to arrange his parents to stay at your house when he is around to visit with them - unless you feel comfortable having them with you while he is at work. My kids all live in town, so we haven't had to deal with this issue. However, my odd lived four hours away during her first marriage and when we went to visit them, it was always to work on their house which was under construction (they were living with her mil while they reconstructed a very old house). We would drive an eight hour round trip, work a straight eight hours or so on the house, I would bring lunch and we would treat them out to dinner, then drive back home. No staying overnight (except for when they were splitting up - we stayed extra long to work on the house and stayed at a hotel). My sister/bil have adult children out of town. They stay with their dd/sil in their home when they visit their family, but use to always stay in a hotel when they visited their ds/dil. They eventually were invited to stay at their ds/dil's home after many years of staying at hotels. Each time they visited over the years, it was to paint, tile, or otherwise repair their ds/dil's home. They spent endless hours working for them (and my sister cooked all their dinners before going back to their hotel for the night and made many of their window coverings). Apparently their dil didn't feel comfortable having them stay at their house. I think it can be too much either way - in their case, I felt that they were being taken advantage of. I hope you can work out a win-win situation - and I hope that your dh takes an active role in his parents' visit.
Hugs, Hope