Hi all,
This is my first post here. I am a DIL, yes one of those evil ones with horns coming out of my head! ;D Anyway, I joined because I was looking for a non biased (although are we ever REALLY completely non-biased?) objective opinion about my situation. Basically, they all hate me and think I'm an evil brainwashing puppet master. Funny thing is, it didn't start out that way at all. Quite the opposite, in fact. When I first came around, they couldn't stop singing my praises and kept telling me how good I was going to be for their family. Coincidentally, when I stopped always putting their wants first and started focusing a little more on my husband and our own separate life from them, it seems I transformed overnight into a she-devil. Please keep in mind that doesn't mean I stopped catering to them altogether, I just wasn't comfortable with the pressures I felt always conforming to what they wanted and not what my new family (my H and I) wanted.
Over a year later after all of the events have snowballed, and we haven't seen them or really talked to them since the end of 2009. There was of course a lot that led up to the cut-off, but in my husband's opinion, it all boils down to control. He took control of his life away from them and he won't give it back to them, which drives them crazy. He tried having "meetings" with them where he laid out his boundaries and told them he felt he was being toyed with and manipulated with guilt and he wasn't comfortable with it. I wasn't present for the first one, but he asked that I attend the second one. He made so many attempts to be diplomatic and give them a chance to change their behaviors towards them so that they could have a mutually beneficial relationship that was comfortable for all parties. Well, if anything, his "disloyalty" and "disrespect" made things worse and because of the timing of it all (after he and I became serious), I became the bad guy.
I don't want to bore you with an incredibly long story from day one. I can tell you that my husband has read several books on emotional blackmail and toxic people and they really hit home with him. He describes his family to me as extremely enmeshed and it is based off a hierarchy. Respect only goes up. Patriach and matriarch are terms used with each other because as "patriarch" of this family, you have a right to interfere or tell other family members whatever hurtful things you want with the excuse, "I'm just giving the facts," or "I'm just telling you how I feel." I can tell you that in the beginning I tried so hard. I tried so hard to bond with them so that they would feel more comfortable with this transition in life. My DH was married before, but in a terrible relationship that was verbally and emotionally abusive (they used to talk bad about her all the time, but now they're friends with her again), and never lived more than 5 minutes away from the rest of his family. He would ignore the pain in his home life by going to his family of origin's, so he never really "left the nest" until he and I started getting serious. I knew this. It was obvious they were dependent on him. His mother had told him before that he was her only happiness (yes, she is married but obviously not in a good marriage) and often used him as a doormat for all the problems in her personal life. He was supposed to fix it all. He later said she treated him like a surrogate spouse. Again, not anything I told him, something he came to the conclusion of himself after reading about it trying to get to the bottom of why he felt so uncomfortable, and based on what I had observed, I don't think he came to that conclusion hastily.
I remember I used to encourage him to visit his family and stay in touch with them. He never wanted to. He always wanted to look for an excuse to skip out on the family function. We went because I convinced him we should. I invited my MIL along for things I didn't have to. Lunch with my mom. Trying on wedding dresses. Lunch just the two of us. I'd keep in contact with her through email at least weekly and talk about what we had been up to, sometimes supplying her with pictures that I thought would make her happy, make her feel less anxious that her son was going out and starting a life of his own. I thought she'd feel more at east letting go if she saw how happy his life was now. I started realizing it was never good enough. We'd see them once a week and it still didn't deter anyone from calling him throughout the week and complaining that they don't see him enough and saying in not so many words that they relied on him for their happiness. So our visits became less frequent because we didn't feel they were appreciated. I stopped encouraging him so much to go. A lot more that I know would take way too long to explain, and probably get confusing. But it became apparent that it was never good enough as long as we weren't letting them control our lives, making their wants first, and helping us make our life decisions.
His mom has a problem with being a victim. She's always a victim of something, especially her own problems. She hates her job but won't try to find another one. She hates her marriage but always has an excuse for not doing anything about it. She isn't happy about her weight but won't stick to a diet. She says she doesn't have any money but blows it on materialistic things and going out to eat. She's a victim of her own decisions and always wants to blame everyone else. She's been through 5 counselors in a year timespan and I have to wonder why that is. The whole family feeds off of other people's misery. It sounds dramatic, but it's really true. They're so negative, you can almost feel it when you enter the room. I'm the complete opposite, always a positive, bright person (I imagine this is why they thought I'd be 'good for their family'), so it's hard for me to understand and I think it affects me more because I have "farther to fall," if you will. Anyway, my H has dealt with this for a lifetime and he himself has just learned in the last 5 years about accepting responsibility for yourself. He never really learned that, as he had always been taught it's always someone else's fault and we are all victims of circumstance.
It appears that everytime he tries to tell them what they have done to hurt him and make him not want to associate with them, they completely dismiss the validity of what he has to say because they've already made up their minds that it's my fault. Well, really they just dismiss his feelings totally and tell him it didn't happen or it's not true. That's he's the one with the problem. He's damning them falsely. He has told them their specific behaviors that he refuses to tolerate because of the damage it does in his life and they haven't stopped, so he decided to disengage from them. He tried to explain to them what they did and WHY he disengaged, to give them a chance to make things right, and they refuse to acknowledge or take responsibility (not really a surprise), therefore he doesn't see how he can continue a relationship with them. It feels like a cycle would just be perpetuated if there is no acknowledgment of the damage they are doing, and he said he isn't prepared to keep exposing himself to more of their disrespect.
Anyway, I'm not really sure what I'm searching for, but we are at a stalemate now. He tells them he needs them to take responsibility for their behaviors so progress can be made, and they say it's all his problem and his feelings aren't valid. I'm wondering if they will ever come around. It does suck being the bad guy, although I can take it. It just makes me anxious that things haven't been settled. I can't understand being a parent of an only child and not wanting to do whatever you could to fix the situation when they're basically spelling out for you what they need. I can't understand being more concerned with looking like a victim instead of swallowing your pride. I don't know what to do anymore, not that there is anything I can do because it's not even in my control. I just support my husband because he's my husband and he feels mistreated. He has a right to that feeling. But then in the end, it's all my fault anyway.
I also wanted to add that I have been reading this site before I decided to post here. I sometimes wonder after I've read something how some MILs can be SO "sure" that it's their DIL that is the one behind it all. Because I'm here to tell you- that mindset in my situation couldn't be farther from the truth, and it's also one of the main contributions to our relationship completely falling apart. I guess my point is that I know if my MIL were to come on this site and post, it would be about how her DIL is the main problem and she just knows her DIL is making the son hate his own family, but it's not really what's going on. I felt like I should share that with you, and I also thought maybe in talking to you guys, you could offer a helpful perspective.
Thanks! Sorry this was so long!
Welcome, Overwhelmed! Glad you made your way here.
I can't believe how similar our stories are. I don't really have a whole lot of answers. The most I've been able to do is detach and let DH deal with his FOO on his own. This is totally not related but it illustrates how I feel at this point. My brother used to be a really messy guy. He was living with my other brother. Other brother kept complaining and getting really annoyed. Mom had to go over to their apt one day to wait for a repair man and thought she'd help both brothers out and clean brothers room. She said she opened the door and stared and then told me "I couldn't have done anything with THAT." Lol, it wasn't just dusting or laundry brother needed done. The place was NASTY and even if she cleaned it up once, there is no way it was going to stay clean. The quote has become a long running joke in our family.
So that's kind of my frame of mind and I try to think back to that example. I'm an unrelated party...I can't do anything with THAT.
Welcome Overwhelmed! There are wonderful women here, MIL's and DIL's, and you'll get more support then you expect from the MIL's , we were all DIL's once. ::)
Sounds like your husband comes from a family with lots of issues, and he hasn't felt comfortable standing up for his needs until he was sure he had someone in his corner. Sounds like you've brought light into his life. ;)
I'd continue to do what you've been doing supporting him, I don't know if I'd go for any more family meetings though, in the end its work he has to do. You haven't caused the change, you've just given him the support to demand it for him-self. that's a message his family needs to hear. The whole mess is out of your control, the trick is learning not to let it control you. {{{hugs}}}.
Thanks to both of you!
Pam- what an analogy! Thank you for sharing- that really is an accurate way of looking at it!
tryingmybest- I appreciate what you said so much. It is interesting how much you picked up on about my husband not feeling comfortable standing up for himself until he had someone to support him. He never had a support system that didn't put their own interests first until me. If you met him now, you wouldn't BELIEVE the place he was at 4 years ago! If you had said the word "self-esteem," he would have asked "what's that?" (Not literally of course, but you know what I mean!) It really is sad when you think about it. But he feels so much better about himself now. I agree about the family meeting- that was enough awkwardness to last a lifetime anyhow! The dilemma is that he doesn't know what else he can do. It makes him sad that his family is so willing to throw away their relationship with him over control, but he doesn't know that there is anything else he can do that he hasn't already done. Thank you so much for your comments. :)
OW - Welcome! This site started out a year and a half ago as: www.MotherInLawsUnite.com
After the first year, the name was changed because we got so many wonderful DILs here and we found that they offered the balance we needed. Anyone can be self-absorbed, neurotic, mean, jealous, etc. It isn't limited to any one group. We have found adult children who fit that bill, as well.
What we focus on is self-love and healing. We didn't set out with that goal in mind...if has just evolved. There are lots of bashing sites. No more are needed. When a member is unkind on this site, she needs to read the Modified Agreement again on the Home Page under Getting Started and decide. We aren't willing to adapt, she has to. Sending love...
You and your DH started a new family unit and you are doing it with integrity by leaving the pathology behind. Good for you!
Welcome OW123. I don't think we catagorize DILs here, evil or otherwise, LOL. I'm sorry you are dealing with such negative, overbearing ILs. They sound like hard cases. It must be unbelievable to you, given your circumstances, that many of us MILs haven't done the things your MIL has done to you and your DH. I hope you can keep an open mind and not be swayed by your horrid situation. Not all MILs are evil, either although some of us hide our horns under gigantic B-52's ("Love Shack ba-by!") hairdos.
Thank you so much, luise and Pen. And Pen- I do know all MILs are not like mine, and I am actually pretty jealous of my friends who were blessed with more adaptable MILs. Even sometimes I wonder who my own mother loves more- me or my DH. He's got a great set of ILs (joking, but it's the truth)! They told me often when we were dating that I better not mess this up! They've never judged and we've got a great relationship with them- it's like we're all just adult friends enjoying each other's company. Often I think that if it weren't for my own parents, we'd be in a heap of trouble because then we'd REALLY feel like we have no family. Although, I guess like a lot of girls, I grew up extremely independent and never hesitated to speak my mind, so they don't get all bent out of shape if I tell them something isn't their business.
Someone asked if married adults still have family meetings (I don't remember who it was, it's not there anymore but I don't mind answering)- well, I don't think they do in normal ones. In this "family," it's what we were reduced to because a one-on-one only resulted in backlash and gossiping by everyone else about what my cruel DH did to his poor mother. So next time he had something to say, he figured since everyone was going to make it their business, they might as well hear it straight from the horse's mouth. It wasn't ideal but he wanted to at least try it before saying adios completely.
Anyway, I'm sure as I continue on here, I'll share some of my stories with you guys and I hope to learn more about all of you. It's weird to feel somewhat comforted by the fact that although you aren't accepted by your OWN MIL, you might be accepted by strangers' MILs. :D
PS- Pen, I can relate to hiding your horns under your hairdo, but I hide mine under my "bump-it." ;D (I hope you guys know what those are, otherwise I'm going to sound really weird...)
Horns? Yep we all know what those are:)
Welcome overwhelmed! I am so glad you found this forum and yes, you will find it is mostly MILs in here, but we have some wonderful DILs here too that give us much to think about and solid advice. And trying was right. Most of us have been or are DILs too. It is obvious from reading your story that both you and your DH have tried so hard to maintain that relationship with his family. Kudos to you for the efforts you guys have made. Unfortunately, his family is not listening or owning up to their part. And until they do, it sounds like distance is for the best.
In answer to your question, some us have experienced first-hand how our DILs have created problems. I do think many times there are assumptions made that a DIL had a hand in something, and probably didn't. But there are some of us that truly have a DIL that is acting like your MIL. We also recognize and blame our DS for their part in not standing up for their family. You will find that most on here do not generalize a DIL or MIL, but takes each person on their own merit. I too am jealous of my friends that have a DIL they get along with.
As far as the bump it....I know what it is! Keep seeing them in the "made for tv" stores. ;D
Quote from: Laurie on February 01, 2011, 07:15:16 AM
Horns? Yep we all know what those are:)
No, a bump-it! :)
Yes I've seen those.. and the topsy tail... I always wore my hair with a reversed ponytail but never had the brains to market it.. pity.. I missed my chance
Quote from: overwhelmed123 on February 01, 2011, 06:58:20 AM
....Even sometimes I wonder who my own mother loves more- me or my DH. He's got a great set of ILs (joking, but it's the truth)! They told me often when we were dating that I better not mess this up! They've never judged and we've got a great relationship with them- it's like we're all just adult friends enjoying each other's company. Often I think that if it weren't for my own parents, we'd be in a heap of trouble because then we'd REALLY feel like we have no family....
My DS has wonderful ILs, too. They absolutely dote on him, and he loves being with them. I'm so glad he doesn't have to deal with an awful IL situation. However, they and their daughter dislike us which affects how often we get to see DS & DIL. It's been very difficult and I'm frequently sad about it. DS communicates with me when he can, usually when DIL is out of town. Full disclosure: lately DIL has made an effort to be pleasant around us. We're happy about that, but consider it a small step considering how hurtful she and her FOO have been. IOW, we're not expecting to be skipping hand in hand anytime soon.
What an awful position to be in, Pen. Maybe DIL's change is a good sign of things to come...although I know you won't hold your breath. :) What a sad thing when even her parents get involved in their relationship with you...that seems so silly to me. Although, I know my ILs don't like my parents and frequently talk bad about them and compare themselves to my parents- but I think it's mostly because they're jealous. Still...you don't talk about my mama that way! ;) (unless of course she's done something to deserve it!)
Quote from: overwhelmed123 on February 01, 2011, 06:59:27 AM
PS- Pen, I can relate to hiding your horns under your hairdo, but I hide mine under my "bump-it." ;D (I hope you guys know what those are, otherwise I'm going to sound really weird...)
I don;t have a clue!
(http://www.cathrynbeeksordeal.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/bumpits.jpg)
Quote from: Julia on February 01, 2011, 02:25:31 PM
Quote from: overwhelmed123 on February 01, 2011, 06:59:27 AM
PS- Pen, I can relate to hiding your horns under your hairdo, but I hide mine under my "bump-it." ;D (I hope you guys know what those are, otherwise I'm going to sound really weird...)
I don;t have a clue!
And to think we use to just tease the crap out of our hair and then use a full can of hairspray
And then it rained on it and we had one, big, sticky mess. :(
Oh yeah...rain was like death rays
Oh geez my husband was just standing behind me and asked me what a Bum - pit was.. you know a girl in the ad.. shows hair and he is thinking armpits. This is the problem with guys.
Quote from: overwhelmed123 on February 01, 2011, 10:51:52 AM
What an awful position to be in, Pen. Maybe DIL's change is a good sign of things to come...although I know you won't hold your breath. :) What a sad thing when even her parents get involved in their relationship with you...that seems so silly to me. Although, I know my ILs don't like my parents and frequently talk bad about them and compare themselves to my parents- but I think it's mostly because they're jealous. Still...you don't talk about my mama that way! ;) (unless of course she's done something to deserve it!)
I'm just sick and tired of getting the crumbs. Today is not a good one for me. DILs FOO sees them whenever they want, daily in fact, and we can't even get a tentative day/time. DS is keen to see us & will tell us a day, then DIL comes up with reasons why it won't be possible. Grrr.
I'm eating peanut butter with a spoon - not only that, I put chocolate chips in the jar too. It's that kind of day :(
I know what you mean Pen and the hardest part is you never quite know what always triggers the feelings to resurface. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.
I never heard of chocolate chips in peanut butter. Next time I'm down, I'm taking the cure. Here's to better days, Pen.
Yum, it's really good. I sort of melt the chips first, not completely. Maybe 15 secs in the microwave and then add the peanut butter. And then my stomach hurts for hours but it is oh so worth it.
Hope you have a better day, Pen. Hugs.
Oh, blast my New Year's resolution! As soon as I can rationalize an excuse, I'm going for it!! ;D ;D ;D
Welcome ow123~it sounds like a control and jelouse mil,and you did all you can~I deleted my original post due to i wanted to fix mine with dil,I didn't want any bad vibes out there,so I'm gonna do a quick version,my ds and dil dated via my space, 2wknd visits and marriage is announced,she works at our store and tells my sil she doesn't wanna be married,which to us seemed right as she had never shown any emotion,when confronted she denied it,never wanted him around family and friends ever,so he goes to Iraq,she drags her feet on plans,dh said this is gotta be confronted so we meet with her and her parents,she sat with her chin resting on hands that were resting on a pop bottle,chewing and snapping gum,everytime asked what do you want it's your day,responded with I don't know and a shoulder shrug,so wedding day(luncheon,barn party after),my dh paid for everything,not one Thank You from her,walk in,not 1 decoration,no wedding cake nothing,so onto after party,she sat all night with no emotion,as his parents it was upsetting,and i did drink,i know you seen my post and must have thought I was a monster,okay so they head back to base,my son goes to combat training,while gone she paid no bills,they came home before next deployment,he did not know car insurance was canceled,drove almost 1000 miles,but while at combat training,she went on vacation,okay so he's now in Afghan,3 weeks ago i txt her,mails here bills,ect,all his things are here..clothes,military clothes,we haven't a clue why but they are,so she is moving down there literally in a matter of hours,not once has she contacted us about his things and never came for the bills,my sons due home in a few days~she posted on fb,i have all my stuff i need,jerky,ipod lets hit the road,I have tried to be a good mil.it seems as tho instead of him getting a wife,i got another child..this is just some of it,didn't mean to go on and on~I would give anything to have a great relationship with dil,more important,to know she truely loves my son,he was her first bf,and she his firts gf
Sounds to me like you have gotten another kid.. I'd pack up his stuff since you are planning on being there for his arrival home... and then I'd take that giant step back.. he's got to see and feel this first hand... when he comes to you send him back to his wife .. his superior officers didn't hold his hand in combat.. you can't hold it now.
yep,I agree. I just talked to him via Fb,he said yes bring my clothes and green cammies,Thank You.I always tell my ds,BUCK IT UP!! I love my sons dearly,I did my part,now he needs to remind his wife,she's a wife~ I wanna move to a place where theres no phones,no computer,no cooking utensils and no washer or dryers:)
I just saw your Post Pen. So sorry you were having a rough day and I hope you woke up with a smile on your face this morning!
I'm with Pooh,I hope your day is better Pen~if you get tired of choc chips,get choc frosting..it's also a very yummy combo~what if you planned a last min thing,that way she has no time to say there are other plans~
Quote from: penelope on February 02, 2011, 06:06:51 PM
yep,I agree. I just talked to him via Fb,he said yes bring my clothes and green cammies,Thank You.I always tell my ds,BUCK IT UP!! I love my sons dearly,I did my part,now he needs to remind his wife,she's a wife~ I wanna move to a place where theres no phones,no computer,no cooking utensils and no washer or dryers:)
Penelope,
It just occurred to me that when she moves there, she's going to be around other wives, right? I'm wondering that if it becomes the "in" thing to do, that she'll start behaving like one. I certainly developed a lot of my habits as a wife while I was watching what others were doing overseas. When I moved over there, I joined a club, and there were certain things that all the members of the club did; like pack/unpack, split house chores, take care of things if DH was at work and I wasn't...etc.
Oh that's a very good point Holli. That just might get her going.
I traveled back home a lot to fulfill my own duty requirements while we lived overseas, and I reverted to my single self quite easily. I stopped looking at the checking account, didn't worry about the bills, didn't care of DH was fed...only b/c I was so young AND none of my local friends were worried about those things either. It was a like a big party when I went home alone. Looking back, I could've handled that all a lot better than I did. But, it was all back to business when I left home and flew back over there.
Pen- Sorry you were having a rough day. I eat peanut butter with a spoon quite frequently...I could say it was only on bad days...but...well, that would be a lie. :) I just love peanut butter. I got some all-natural cinnamon peanut butter the other week and I can't stop eating it! Oh, it's sooo good. So don't feel bad!
Penelope- Of course I didn't think you were a monster. I did question why wear black to a wedding, especially your son's, and why you'd want to be drunk, but I understand your frustration. It must be awful not to know whether or not your son's wife even loves him. That's terrible. See, I KNOW my MIL knows I truly love her son. And I think you hit the nail on the head- they are jealous control freaks. At the beginning they would always comment about how "their prayers were answered" because he found someone that really appreciated him despite his flaws and loved him for him. They know I treat him like a prince, but they also know he treats me like a princess and I don't think they like it. They made comments to me about his ex-wife's wedding ring (first about how it was ugly...yes, they actually brought it up) and how they thought he spent too much money on it. Well first of all...not their business. Second of all, he spent over 3 times that amount on my ring, and they know because he made the mistake of having his mom help him get it insured. I imagine that was the topic of gossip fests at the time, "Oh can you believe he spent that much on her ring? He's just trying to buy her happiness..." blah blah.
They are jealous type of people. They can't just be happy for someone else, they have to be jealous that they can't have what someone else has. Like, when we used to still contact them and DH would tell them we were going to my parents' lakehouse for the weekend, or tell them "yeah we saw an eagle flying in the sky at the lake the other weekend, it was awesome." They'd sound all sad and pitiful and be like, "oh....I wish we had a lakehouse for you to spend time at. I wish we had a place where you could see eagles...I wish we could have those things." Like...just say "oh that's awesome! How fun for you!"
Another story my DH told me I thought was so telling in the beginning of our relationship with them. My mom is really beautiful. I mean, she just is, she's got a great body and great skin and she's just a beautiful, classy woman (I used to hate it when I was younger and guys would want to come over to my house just to see my mom...). So DH told me that after he first met my parents, he was talking to his mom on the phone about it and just like, "yeah, they were really nice. And man...if it's true that you'll know what she'll look like when she gets older by looking at her mom, then I hit the jackpot!" I mean, this was obviously somewhat early on in the relationship and he's excited that his relations with my family are going well and wanted to share it with his mom. So he tells her that and he said she just got silent and goes, "...hmm." like a "huh." Like not as a question, just almost like a scoff. And that's ALL she said! Not like, "oh I'm so happy for you!" Or, "oh that's great!" Or anything. She couldn't even pretend to hide her jealousy or disdain. And then of course, in the coming years it just went all downhill from there....
Anyway, I know I was rambling but I just meant to say I understand your frustration with your situation. It's not at all like mine because I have done nothing but good things for DH and everyone who has seen us can really tell that we are true soulmates. So, I do get why you're upset with DIL, but don't forget your son is the one who wanted to marry her. He's culpable too. And I'd just let him handle it. Leave it for him to handle and don't get involved in it. Maybe this will just be one of those "tough love" lessons he'll have to learn and be a better person for having gone through it. How old are they?
sounds like jelousy,vain jelousy to:) I don't get in my kids face about money,my dh does,I say if you want toys,get them your money,if you can swing it get it have fun. my military son bought a 13000 harley on e-bay...sent me pics a few weeks ago..i thought OMG!! how stupid are you,but instead i typed wow,thats really cool,you've earned it:) but really I wanted to scream...down payment on a house! he is 21 and she will be 21 in 2 weeks...she is very negative,she post on FB constantly,today my nephew in college posted to one of hers,do you ever have anything good to say or to be happy about,she replied yes but not today...ummm your leaving in a matter of min to go greet your dh you've not seen since July,I'd say thats a good thing:) We honestly could care less where they live,how they spend money ect,we just wanted to see him be loved,he's very effectionate,hugger,we tell eachother daily I love you,when he was deployed the first time,no emotion..not even a tear,we thought hugh,then see she posted a.s.a.p yay,I get to start planning a wedding,but never did, Holliberri,after wedding she made a site for marinewives,i was hoping these girls would swap advice,so she would learn,becouse I know any advice will be taken wrong so I offer none,wait,thats wrong,she did take my advice about having her gramps drive down with her,then they fly him back,why have a car with 2 ppl follow your car down so you don't drive alone?? I think apple doesn't fall far from tree maybe:) my oldest turns 23 today,he's gone mon thru fri,so I sent his gf a message,do you wanna make his b-day cake or have us do it? all parents want is to see their kids loved~when my oldest and his gf got back together,I said just love him~and we know she does,they have grown up alot in the last 3 years~he does some stupid things,I laugh and tell her he's ALL yours now!! lol things like snowmobile on thin ice..not to bright:b
Quote from: penelope on February 03, 2011, 09:03:50 AM
all parents want is to see their kids loved~
I think that's what all HEALTHY parents want...that's definitely not all my ILs want! :) Good for you though! I love hearing these kinds of things from MILs...it is always nice to be reminded that I'm not the one with outlandish expectations!
only thing I expect is when in my home show respect~I don't expect phone calls,gifts ect..if your on leave,heck yeah you should spend some time with your family,we have done nothing but support him. See we never said oh we don't think you guys should ever be married,no,we said your young and wait,I even told my ds,shes never been away from home,if you are pushing her into this it's wrong,shes young and needs to find her own independance,her families best friends told me in OCT she was raised in a bubble,she had told me she had never been away from home without an adult present,then after the wedding when she moved back to parents,she post on Fb she was on house arrest(grounded),I thought oh this can't be good,I was shocked her mom said the kids couldn't drink at their wedding,yes my son was 20,but as i told her...he's been on his own since 18,I will not tell him what to do. I love hearing the dil sides on here to,I honestly at one point felt like a monster....I just felt in todays society,life is hard enough,get a career and some stability before you take on marriage:) or..I don't know,maybe actually date for real first!! hahahaha
Penelope,
I'm not defending your DIL, but I'm identifying with her a lot. My MIL was upset that I didn't cry when DH deployed either.
The truth is, I did cry...a lot. I was alone in Cali by myself with my pets, a job, a house, and NO friends. Zip. (I hadn't lived there that long--it's not that I'm unfriendly). Simply, no one was there to see me cry.
I just didn't cry in front of everyone at the airport. MIL expects me to react in ways that she would, but I don't. And, if there's a crowd around, I definitely wouldn't. (I did bawl like a baby for the 3 1/2 hours before my DH went overseas the first time, but it was just him and me at the airport--now that I think about it, it couldn't have been that much fun for him watching me cry like that!). I try really hard not to wear my emotions on my sleeve, especially among a crowd of people.
You aren't a monster, and I can't believe how sheltered DIL has been (that's one part I don't identify with--I had left home when I met DH). The military makes their recruits grow up fast; they make the wives grow up fast too. I think moving away might be the best thing for her. You mentioned in one of your older posts about her parents, and to me, it seems like she's never had to grow up.
Marriage, especially that young, takes a lot of growing pains. But, the good part about that is that you do eventually settle on a middle ground with your spouse, and you mature. I think the growing pains have rippling effects though; it spills over into issues with the parent for a little while.
I had ZERO stability until I got married. I dropped out of college (I failed community college so many times I'm not allowed back--who does that!?) 5 times! As soon as I got married and moved out officially, I got serious, and I'm in one the top MBA programs in the U.S. It's the same for DH as well; no one ever thought he'd finish is Associate's let alone take on grad school. We've both done it while working full time, and now, raising a baby. Marriage was the best thing that could've happened to me (I didn't know it at the time, though).
Quote from: holliberri on February 03, 2011, 11:40:47 AM
I had ZERO stability until I got married. I dropped out of college (I failed community college so many times I'm not allowed back--who does that!?) 5 times! As soon as I got married and moved out officially, I got serious, and I'm in one the top MBA programs in the U.S. It's the same for DH as well; no one ever thought he'd finish is Associate's let alone take on grad school. We've both done it while working full time, and now, raising a baby. Marriage was the best thing that could've happened to me (I didn't know it at the time, though).
Isn't that what a good marriage is really all about.. bringing out the best in each other. Becoming stable in a relationship can only make you more stable as a person. My mother asked me once what made me quit my wild hippy ways as she put it and I simply said that I found someone worth changing for.
It's the relationships where only one person is expected to contribute time, energy, emotions and marriages falter. Hopefully with Penelope's dil, that she will mature and be able to gives to her dh as much as she is freely taking. It's when thing become so lopsided that you have to question if the relationship is healthy or will last. I don't know about others but with my own dil, the relationship between them is at times as lopsided as our relationship is with her I can't help but to wonder if the two aren't going hand in hand for some reason.
Sometimes I wonder if it's a timing issue. I don't do things for my MIL at the right time, and vice versa.
She wanted this close mother/daughter relationship immediately, and I pulled back. WAAAYYY back. I might have pulled back too far, so I'm trying to step forward a little...hence inviting her along to adopt and I have e-mailed her a photo or two of DD from my Blackberry (which, I never send photos, so I wasn't avoiding her...I just don't take photos with my phone).
She replies about the photos to DS. If I ask her a question or send a link about an adoption, she responds to DS. It's hard not taking that personally, and I'm trying not to read too much into it...but I can't fix the lopsidedness alone, and neither can she.
Hehe, I'm always on here saying NEVER e-mail...so I should probably call at some point. But, she's probably behaving like she thought I was. When I think of it as a timing issue, it's easier not to feed into it or make a ton of assumptions about her behavior, or thinking she's doing it on purpose.
I guess the problem with relationships like these is things happen and everything gets murky quick; then things KEEP happening and it gets piled on. A magic eraser would work wonders sometimes.
Possibly
Or, like, not at all. You can say it. ;)
LOL.. ok that was a little transparent on my part
I prefer transparency.
Actually I was thinking about what you said and trying to apply it to any aspect of my life.. while it did not fit for me.. I was thinking well ... possibly .. she could be onto something there.
The magic eraser (still chuckling over the magic v aren't you) would maybe clean the slate but some people pick up right where they left off.
Actually, it was the first thing I thought of when I got out of bed this morning. Still laughing!!!
...And I don't think it applies to you either now that I consider your circumstances.
Have you seen the movie Easy A that is a new release with Emma Stone .. for some reason I think you will like it.. one line that my dh and I laughed over was when she ask.. is it because I have a V and you have a P .. that is now how we are ending our disputed discussions.
That was the move I saw when DH and I took a day off together in September! I loved it!!! I haven't been to the movies since...I guess that's another reason why Netflix is worthwhile!
Holliberry good for you and dh,you guys must be so proud of yourselves~I wanna see easy -A looks cute. I guess I could say I was more miffed by the not crying,but like you said some cry in private,she has said shes not a crier,we are waiting to see any emotion:b lol not sad when he left,not happy at own wedding or planning it:) I sometimes wanna pinch her to see if theres a reaction...haha ys said he thinks shes a Zombie :b lol her dad said he thought she should have stayed down south when ds left,he said she needed to learn to be on her own. I have always been there for my sons but have tought them to do for themselves today ys woke up at 3 p.m,snowday,he goes in kitchen..OMG!!! mom it's 3,I said yeah..OMG!! mom I have to be to work at 3:30,why didn't you wake me,I said your 16,part of working is being responsible,next time don't stay up all night playing video games,he said it's your fault,you hung a blanket over my window making my room dark!! hahaha I said well,you better call and tell them your gonna be late,he works for us,he was upset,he's never been late before,I'm sure my bil won't yell at him:) that boy better watch his step,or he'll find his room like the other 2,gutted and painted!!! hahaha