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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: foofoo on January 20, 2011, 05:20:28 PM

Title: Looking for a Different Perspective
Post by: foofoo on January 20, 2011, 05:20:28 PM
I'm one of those DILs who doesn't allow her kids to see her paternal grandparents.  Before, you jump all over me, let me give you a little background.  My MIL has never spoken to me directly.  She has made a number of accusations about me to others, but she has never actually conversation with me.  One time, my husband took me to his family's for Christmas.  She just glared.  My FIL told my husband that if he married me that he was dead to them and my MIL told my husband to never bring our kids to her house.  The reason for all this animosity -- my DH and I are of different cultures.  I'm white, he's Asian.  We have now been married for four years and yes, they boycotted the wedding and the kids' baptisms. 

We have two girls and are expecting our third.  Now, his family wants to see our kids and they are upset that I won't allow it.  Of course, I'm not welcome -- no white people allowed, but they want to see the girls.  I have told my husband that if he wants to go see his family he can go anytime he wants and he won't hear anything about it from me.  But my kids will not be subjected to their racism. 

His sisters say that I need to just get over it, which quite frankly pisses me off even more.  Oh, and when his sister married, she called up DH and expressly informed that his wife and children were not welcome as having white people there would upset his mother. 

No one has apologized or indicated any intention to ever apologize, I am just supposed to pretend that they never called me a whore, who was after their non-existent money and that my oldest wasn't really my DH's.  I think I completely justified in my position and so do my family and friends as it is not like their actions were unintentional or I overreacted, but I was just curious as to what some of you thought.
Title: Re: Looking for a Different Perspective
Post by: tryingmybest on January 20, 2011, 05:27:54 PM
Are they inviting you to come with your children to see them? If not, I'm sorry but  can't blame you one bit. Can you invite them to your house to see their grandchildren, with you present off course! Sending you a hug honey, sounds like you are living with a tough situation.
Title: Re: Looking for a Different Perspective
Post by: foofoo on January 20, 2011, 05:35:00 PM
I honestly don't know if I am invited or not.  They have made it perfectly clear that I am not welcome there, so I have never actually been over there.  Regardless, one of my SILs married a man who was also Asian, but not of their culture and she thinks that her mother has made great progress because she no longer leaves the room when BIL walks in.  I find this hilarious, yet profoundly disturbing at the same time.  Can you imagine a circumstance where it is progress to not walk out of the room just because someone else walks in????  I'm not going to subject myself or my kids to this.
Title: Re: Looking for a Different Perspective
Post by: LaurieS on January 20, 2011, 06:09:13 PM
What does your dh think, and what is his stance?
Title: Re: Looking for a Different Perspective
Post by: foofoo on January 20, 2011, 06:15:54 PM
I think his feelings are rather mixed.  He is deeply embarassed by how his family has behaved, but at the same time, he would love to have a good relationship with them.  He does not pressure me in anyway to visit his parents, although he does push me to visit with his sisters.  He views the blame as solely his parents fault and although he understands why take issue with his sister's behavior, he does not view them as having primary responsibility for their own conduct.  He justifies it by blaming his mother.  I figure, his sisters are all in their 30s, they make their own choices in this world.
Title: Re: Looking for a Different Perspective
Post by: Pen on January 20, 2011, 06:24:20 PM
FooFoo, welcome. Your situation is very sad and frustrating. I understand why you want to protect your children and yourself from bigotry. I hope I'm not out of line for asking, but did you and DH have any counseling before your marriage regarding his parents unyielding stance towards you?
Title: Re: Looking for a Different Perspective
Post by: foofoo on January 20, 2011, 06:28:35 PM
We did have some premarital counseling and the counselor seemed to think that they would come around.  We also had a conversation about whether or not his parents would be okay with him being with someone outside his culture very early on in our relationship.  It is sad to say, but his parents attitude is not that uncommon in his culture and I knew this, so I asked very early on.  He assured me that he would deal with them and not to worry.  I honestly think even he totally undersestimated how they would behave.
Title: Re: Looking for a Different Perspective
Post by: LaurieS on January 20, 2011, 06:57:49 PM
As we  speak, my son is in Japan waiting for his Japanese girlfriend's father to arrive home within the next few days.  His intention is to support his gf as she explains to her father that she would like to return to America to start her career and to continue her relationship with my son.  If his head is returned to me in a box next week.. I'll know that the talk didn't go well.

The Asian culture is deep in tradition, or so it's said.. personally I think this claim is used primarily as a method to control their children.  FooFoo (ok I get your name now, I was thinking Family Of Origin, Family Of  Origin) your in-laws are the biggest bigots that I've ever heard of on these boards.  They could dislike you if you were an alcoholic, shopaholic, or a chocoholic... but that isn't why they have shown pure contempt, it's because you are not Asian.

Your dh's sisters are speaking their own mind as well, and personally  I don't think you have to appreciate any of it.   It could  be wrong to subject your children to someone who shows such outward disdain towards their mother.  Being of  another race or culture does  not make you unworthy of her respect.  Your husband is in a tough spot, only if he makes it a tough spot.. I think it's time to choose.
Title: Re: Looking for a Different Perspective
Post by: Pen on January 20, 2011, 07:08:43 PM
I'm guessing your ILs aren't going to appreciate their son speaking up about their behavior. Long-held cultural traditions and mores are hard to get past, even for more open-minded people. I wish your DH had someone who could help bridge the gap and make his parents journey to enlightenment less painful -  a relative or a leader in the community? A respected elder, educator or spiritual leader?

Do you feel they are making very small but forward steps toward change? A big push could frighten them, but gentle nudges of encouragement from someone they trust might help their progress. Best wishes to you, Foo.
Title: Re: Looking for a Different Perspective
Post by: LaurieS on January 20, 2011, 07:25:47 PM
Quote from: Pen on January 20, 2011, 07:08:43 PM
his parents journey to enlightenment less painful - 

LOL  You'd think that after years, they would have already began their journey if they ever meant to. 
Title: Re: Looking for a Different Perspective
Post by: foofoo on January 20, 2011, 07:34:32 PM
Laurie, I agree with you.  They have only been her for 25 years, actually FIL has been here for 30 and MIL for 25.  You would think by now that they would have some sort of concept of how things work here.

Pen, his sisters keep saying a slightly twisted version of what you indicated that I need to be patient with his parents and blah blah.  The main difference between your version and theirs is that they think I should put up with MILs behavior in the meantime.  Apparently, they think that in there culture the parents are allowed to mistreat the children and the children just have to put up with it so I should too and I think this is total garbage.  Frankly, in some ways I think his sisters attitude has gotten my back up worse than his parents bad behavior as in many ways it is more insulting.  They don't call me names, instead they indicate that it is okay for me and my kids to be abused by his parents (actually, they use the term "mistreated").   A part of me knows that his sisters are trying to help, but at the same time there method of "helping" is to just tell me that I have to put up with their families crap.  There is no apology, there is no attempt to alter the parents behavior, they just tell me I need to put up with it.  This last email I received, I pretty much told the sister to shove it.
Title: Re: Looking for a Different Perspective
Post by: Pen on January 20, 2011, 07:41:12 PM
Foo, I don't think you need to be patient at all! You've put up with enough. This is between your DH & his bigoted parents now, IMHO. He must speak up. Sorry if I didn't make that clear. 
Title: Re: Looking for a Different Perspective
Post by: JaneF on January 20, 2011, 08:03:08 PM
Wow is all I can think to say here! I agree with your thoughts I'll say that much. You sure do NOT have to tolerate being treated in this way, and your children do not need to see that either. Children are supposed to just take this kind of abuse from the parents in their culture?????? And that is excused????? Your SIL's are dead wrong by expecting you to accept this, and I probably would have told them so a long, long time ago. So sorry you are having to experience this...glad you are here though. You will get great support from these ladies.
Title: Re: Looking for a Different Perspective
Post by: LaurieS on January 20, 2011, 08:14:58 PM
whoa.. FIL 30 years in America.. and he is upset that his son married a Caucasian American?  My neighbors are like that as well... they will only associate with others of their culture.. when we had a difference they were quick to accuse me of being prejudice against Cambodians... this was while my son was in Cambodia helping to plant mangroves at my expense.  Their college daughter will only bring home other Asian students etc.  Yet they say that they love the diversities that are offered in the states.
Title: Re: Looking for a Different Perspective
Post by: foofoo on January 20, 2011, 08:51:09 PM
Laurie, Your Cambodian experience is pretty much the same thing.  DH isn't Cambodian, he is from a different dinky SE Asian country, but they think the same way

Pen and Jane, thanks for the support.  Sometimes, I worry that my anger is not allowing me to think this through clearly so I need the objective opinions.
Title: Re: Looking for a Different Perspective
Post by: forever spring on January 20, 2011, 11:34:51 PM
FooFoo, I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. The sad thing is that this kind of racism is still very much part of our life in general and for you to have it happen in the immediate family is especially sad. I'm sure you want your DH to have a good relationship with his family and you would like, ideally, for the GP to play a part in the upbringing of your GC. This is ideal case scenario. Your IL do not allow this to happen because of their bigotted behaviour. That is entirely their problem. You cannot solve it. I don't think they are entitled to you thinking about them even for one minute of the day. You need to block them from your thoughts entirely. I know this is not possible, but at least worth a try. They don't like you, and as I see it, it's just because of the colour of your skin. How petty and narrow minded is that? Do they not have the wellbeing of their DS at heart? Why put him through this kind of stress when they must know that he is happy with you. WHY can't they share his pride in his own children, their GC , who are part of them anyway? I do feel for you and your DH. What an exciting mix of culture your children would be able to participate in if only they allowed them to! How loving and good it could all be!
I have a friend whose FOO is Muslim. She married a non-Muslim and her family disowned her. SHe has two D who are grown up now and this family has never seen their GDs. My friend is deeply affected by it. Her marriage is good but she loves her family dearly. Now how cruel is that???
Don't they know that deep down inside we are all humans, we are all equal? Why can't we be colourblind?
I believe in your situation at the moment you just need to let it be - for the time being anyway -, sit back and just hope that they will come round in time and see the error of their ways and realise that they are missing out on a lot - and for what? A principle that is totally obsolete, especially in a multicultural society such as the US.
My thoughts are with you and I hope we will hear some good news soon. Small steps maybe?
Title: Re: Looking for a Different Perspective
Post by: holliberri on January 21, 2011, 05:03:58 AM
On the flip side of this, I'm looking into adopting. My own family (mom's parents) are just as bigoted as your ILs, and I've begun thinking about this topic a lot. Whether or not the adoption process works out, I've decided that DD (who is caucasian, as my GPs are), shouldn't be around people that talk the way my GPs do about other cultures. The things they say are awful, and how they treat people of different cultures is horrible. I tried to write it off as generational, but the truth is, that stuff is taught (which is probably why your SILs think that your MIL's behavior is acceptable).

I've been taught that "a little" racism is acceptable, but the truth is, it's not. The world won't get better if we just tolerate these things. I commend you for standing your ground, and while the circumstances are different, I'm hoping to incorporate a little bit of your assertiveness into my own life.  I simply wouldn't want my kids around people that behave that way, no matter who their behavior is directed at (the fact that your their son's wife just makes it all the more despicable). 
Title: Re: Looking for a Different Perspective
Post by: cremebrulee on January 21, 2011, 05:11:53 AM
Quote from: holliberri on January 21, 2011, 05:03:58 AM
On the flip side of this, I'm looking into adopting. My own family (mom's parents) are just as bigoted as your ILs, and I've begun thinking about this topic a lot. Whether or not the adoption process works out, I've decided that DD (who is caucasian, as my GPs are), shouldn't be around people that talk the way my GPs do about other cultures. The things they say are awful, and how they treat people of different cultures is horrible. I tried to write it off as generational, but the truth is, that stuff is taught (which is probably why your SILs think that your MIL's behavior is acceptable).

I've been taught that "a little" racism is acceptable, but the truth is, it's not. The world won't get better if we just tolerate these things. I commend you for standing your ground, and while the circumstances are different, I'm hoping to incorporate a little bit of your assertiveness into my own life.  I simply wouldn't want my kids around people that behave that way, no matter who their behavior is directed at (the fact that your their son's wife just makes it all the more despicable).

Holli,
I totally agree and your wise to feel this way...I wouldn't want my child around anyone who feels this way....

Title: Re: Looking for a Different Perspective
Post by: Scoop on January 21, 2011, 06:07:31 AM
Foofoo - what do you want to do?

Do you want to give them a chance, to be able to say "well, at least I gave them a chance"?  Because I can see this becoming a source of bitterness between you and DH and I would hate for that to happen.

My suggestion would be to talk to DH and feel out if he genuinely wants to give them a chance, because they're his family, or if he's coming from a position of 'doing anything' to get back in his parents good books (including throwing his kids under the bus).

Because I don't see a problem with you and DH planning a lunch at a restaurant with the IL's.  See if they can be civil to you, on neutral ground, without the kids.  If not, then you don't have to open that can of worms with the kids.  Then, if their behaviour is acceptable to you, try having a meal out with the kids.  After a few dinners out, maybe consider inviting them to your house.  But do not let your DH take the kids to them without you.

I'm shocked by this whole thread!  The MIL's are telling you that you don't have to associate with your IL's and I'm a DIL telling you to give them a chance!  It must be backwards day.

Good luck!
Title: Re: Looking for a Different Perspective
Post by: cremebrulee on January 21, 2011, 06:21:37 AM
Foofoo
I'm sorry y our experiencing this, it must be difficult....I have many friends who are married to Asians....and yes, they're culture can sometimes be very old school, however, all my friends, get along fine with they're inlaws...

Foofoo....your correct in telling your husband he should visit with his parents, and the children should be allowed to see them as well....as long as they are not bigoted in front of the children? 

I would work on you for now, and forgiveness...you don't have to get along, but you do have to work on forgiving they're words and actions....and you don't have to be anywhere you don't want to be....

It took me many years to forgive my son's stepmother for her treatment of my son....however, I still and never will like the woman, and now, I'm at the point, that if she even looks at me crossed eyed, she'd get a real mouthful....she has caused a lot of people a lot of pain....I will never ever allow her to hurt me again....as for my son and his wife, they have to be more connected b/c of his father...but no one likes his wife....believe me....she IS evil...and so is her mother...."learned behavior".

I'm not saying your inlaws are like this, more so, they are probably lost in they're own culture...which is different, however, they to must make amends with themselves....

If I were you, I'd just take it one day at a time, and see what each day brings....but do work on forgiveness....you don't have to like what they did and said, but it is in the past, and perhaps they are starting to see, that they are hurting themselves....in hurting they're son's wife.

Give it time, and work on your right now....miracles do happen...let go of the past, and work on moving forward...

Hugs
Creme
Title: Re: Looking for a Different Perspective
Post by: LaurieS on January 21, 2011, 08:21:32 AM
Quote from: cremebrulee on January 21, 2011, 06:21:37 AM

Foofoo....your correct in telling your husband he should visit with his parents, and the children should be allowed to see them as well....as long as they are not bigoted in front of the children? 

If the mother is not accepted in any way shape or white form, then why should her children interact with the grandparents knowing that they hate their mom because she is white.. oh yeah and they are half white and 100% American.  Those kids are an extension of her, and her marriage to their son.  I think the son should say.. my way or the highway to his parents... that is his family that is being damaged by this narrow mindedness.
Title: Re: Looking for a Different Perspective
Post by: LaurieS on January 21, 2011, 08:44:15 AM
Holli.. I know what you are talking about with your Grandparents... My parents and in-laws are somewhat like that as well.  My dad has really tried to get on board with the times, we had nicknamed him Archie.  My fil saw the worse in a race when one of his son's was murdered... I can't tell him how to feel, as I don't know if I would be any different given the circumstances.  This same grandpa fought in WWII, so yeah his love of the Japanese as well was nil.  My son's gf's grandfather lost a leg in WWII due to an American, so everyone was trying to hush everyone else up. 

Finally one night at the table I opened the discussion of WWII and how we got to where we are today.  My son's Japanese gf participated in the conversation and I think for the first time Grandpa realized that these two kids were as far removed as they could be.  And I think he could distinguish the difference between the people and the situation that surrounded the war.  Grandpa has spent time with this girl on numerous occasions and I can honestly say that they seem to like each other.. I'm a firm believer that people can work through their issues if they choose to.  Deep down Grandpa will always hate that "Jap" that bombed his beloved Pearl Harbor, and that's ok.. and my son's gf's gp, will always hate that American that cost him a leg.  I think they have both gotten past that.. Oh but I am  thankful that if these two ever get married the grandpas most likely will not both be in attendance :)
Title: Re: Looking for a Different Perspective
Post by: cremebrulee on January 21, 2011, 08:50:48 AM
Quote from: Laurie on January 21, 2011, 08:21:32 AM
Quote from: cremebrulee on January 21, 2011, 06:21:37 AM

Foofoo....your correct in telling your husband he should visit with his parents, and the children should be allowed to see them as well....as long as they are not bigoted in front of the children? 

If the mother is not accepted in any way shape or white form, then why should her children interact with the grandparents knowing that they hate their mom because she is white.. oh yeah and they are half white and 100% American.  Those kids are an extension of her, and her marriage to their son.  I think the son should say.. my way or the highway to his parents... that is his family that is being damaged by this narrow mindedness.

because you don't use the children to penalize the adults....and I don't believe they hate her, I believe due to they're culture they were raised to believe you don't marry out of it...and believe they will eventually come around if Foofoo is up to that, but you don't harbor hate and you don't use the children to punish them....I believe in killing people with kindness...or quiet...and in the end it works out the way it's supposed to....however, if foofoo keeps the children from them, the children may grow up never knowing they're grand parents and that is wrong to...one bad turn does not deserve another...

Title: Re: Looking for a Different Perspective
Post by: Pen on January 21, 2011, 08:57:02 AM
We've got the opposite problem - DIL & FOO from a different culture are always looking for predjudice on our part. It simply does not exist, but it's funny to hear comments about how we likely feel about their food, traditions, skin color, etc. DS constantly reassures them that just because he's white as milk he was not raised in a rascist home, that we admire the people, art, culture, cuisine, music & traditions of their home country. They always seem surprised that we want to eat their food and learn about their culture.

In a way, our attitudes are taking away yet another one of their many excuses for hating us which is probably quite frustrating for DIL's FOO. They really want to be the only ones interacting with DIL & DS (& GC when/if they arrive) and have tried to come up with reasons for cutting us out.
Title: Re: Looking for a Different Perspective
Post by: LaurieS on January 21, 2011, 09:05:39 AM
Quote from: cremebrulee on January 21, 2011, 08:50:48 AM
Quote from: Laurie on January 21, 2011, 08:21:32 AM
Quote from: cremebrulee on January 21, 2011, 06:21:37 AM

Foofoo....your correct in telling your husband he should visit with his parents, and the children should be allowed to see them as well....as long as they are not bigoted in front of the children? 

If the mother is not accepted in any way shape or white form, then why should her children interact with the grandparents knowing that they hate their mom because she is white.. oh yeah and they are half white and 100% American.  Those kids are an extension of her, and her marriage to their son.  I think the son should say.. my way or the highway to his parents... that is his family that is being damaged by this narrow mindedness.

because you don't use the children to penalize the adults....and I don't believe they hate her, I believe due to they're culture they were raised to believe you don't marry out of it...and believe they will eventually come around if Foofoo is up to that, but you don't harbor hate and you don't use the children to punish them....I believe in killing people with kindness...or quiet...and in the end it works out the way it's supposed to....however, if foofoo keeps the children from them, the children may grow up never knowing they're grand parents and that is wrong to...one bad turn does not deserve another...


How can the grandparents not show bigotry in front of the children when their own mother is not welcome in the home.  If they mistreat (FooFoo's sil's word) her constantly then why would you subject your children to that?

Are you saying that the father and children should go over since it is now requested by the grandparents and expect the kids to live a dual life, one that includes and one that excludes their own mother?  If these grandparents are that hateful toward the mother based on the fact that she is not Asian, then I don't see where that is penalizing the grandparents through the kids.  If I am that hated by a person, why  would I send my kids to them?
Title: Re: Looking for a Different Perspective
Post by: Pooh on January 21, 2011, 09:37:55 AM
Well, I guess I am really going to blow Scoop's mind!  I was thinking the entire time that I read this, "If they are prejudice against her, and the kids are half her, how are they ever going to accept them?"

Foofoo, I am a GP who is being kept from a GC, so this may shock you, but I wouldn't let them see them either.  I agree with everyone that DH can go visit if he chooses, but protecting your children, as you are, from that type of bigotry is very important.

I am a firm believer that children should be kept from anyone that can truly harm them.  And I mean....TRULY.  Not just because someone doesn't like the other one.  I don't care if it's their Mother, Father, Grandmother, Grandfather, Brother, Sister, etc....if that person can truly harm them, then I wouldn't let them go either.  And to me, bigotry is true harm.

So unless they have a change of heart, and are willing to drop their prejudice against you, then I don't see them not saying harmful racial things to the children.  Because if they don't change and accept you, then they haven't changed.

As far as his sisters go, tell them to mind their own business!  Lol.
Title: Re: Looking for a Different Perspective
Post by: cremebrulee on January 21, 2011, 09:57:14 AM
How do we know they are going to show any kind of bigotry?  How do we know they'd be harmful...the father is going to be there, no one is talking about leaving the kids with them by themselves....?

Foofoo, and correct me if I'm wrong, has already said she is ok with this...and I do believe, the GP's will come around, if they already haven't?  Why not give them a chance? 

Do I think they were wrong, absolutely, however, perhaps they've decided that they were wrong?  There is a whole other way to look at this....why go to the other end of the spectrum and think the worst...isn't mending fences the best thing if they are able....? 

They don't sound harmful to me...yes, they were wrong, and mean at the time, but time has passed and now that the children are there, I bet they're having second thoughts....none of us know that, and the children, might be what mends those fences....

I believe FOOfoo and her husband wouldn't put the children in harm's way, not in the least...and again, I believe her first post said, she was ok with it?

Foofoo, how do you feel?  I got the feeling, that your trying to change this in your own heart...I think your extremely hurt and angry and anyone would be, however, what would you do, if your husband came home and said, they wanted to see you?

And why doesn't your husband tell them, that you all come as a family? 
or is it your decission not to go?

Title: Re: Looking for a Different Perspective
Post by: Pen on January 21, 2011, 10:00:08 AM
Occasional exposure to bigotry can be used as a teachable moment. DH worked with a couple of guys who were horribly rascist, and when the kids & I visited his worksite they'd hear some things. DH & I used those experiences as valuable lessons.

However, I agree that I wouldn't want my kids to hear it coming from the mouths of relatives, especially if the kids themselves are of  whatever the disliked ancestry is. I'd keep the kids away until real progress is made, perhaps forever if they're slow learners.

DH must step up and protect his wife & kids, but he could try to educate his FOO before completely cutting them off; enlightenment is always best, but not always possible. "Know when to fold 'em." -Kenny Rogers
Title: Re: Looking for a Different Perspective
Post by: LaurieS on January 21, 2011, 10:07:55 AM
If the grandparents were that interested in the lives of their grandchildren that they do not know, wouldn't it make more sense to ask to see them in the kids own environment.  The grandparents pulled away, put up the blocks, and formed a hatred for someone based on their lack of being Asian. If they really wanted to change, or to show change, does sitting back and saying "well now we are ready to meet them.. bring them to us" reflex a real change?
Title: Re: Looking for a Different Perspective
Post by: holliberri on January 21, 2011, 10:17:12 AM
No, Laurie, I don't think it does at all. I think that very statement is synonymous with why the SILs say that mistreatment is normal. I see a lot of control issues in FooFoo's post, aside from the blantant racism. Does this mean that FooFoo could be mistreated for something else? What about the kids? Will they be mistreated.

Pen,

I agree with you that racism can be a teaching opportunity; it does go on in our world  :( and kids do need to know how to handle it properly (and to learn that they themselves, can to do that).  I just couldn't stomach that it would come from their GPs, as you said. I don't know how I could teach about that without harming the kids' identity (and like it or not, a big part of identity comes from our FOO and howwe were raised).
Title: Re: Looking for a Different Perspective
Post by: FAFE on January 21, 2011, 12:22:41 PM
Foofoo, I am so sorry you are having to go thru this.  My son is married to a Japanese girl and we love her and her family as well.  Son and DIL got married in his home state of Georgia and I think her family chartered an airplane to come from Japan for the wedding.  I have the most adorable 7 year old grandson who is one of the lights of our life.  He has both his mother and father's looks, coloring, etc., and is going to be very tall like his dad.  He is dark like his mom, but that just makes him cuter.  I do not know what the attraction was but all of his life our son was attracted to Asian/Hispanic women. 

DIL I get along fine, and any problems we have with them is generally our son.  That's for another time though. 

We also have a precious little granddaughter who our daughter and her husband are adopting.  She actually looks like both of them.  She has my daughter's bigggg feet (she could hardly wear the newborn booties, etc.), her dad's reddish hair.  Looks like they special ordered her.  We love her as much as we do our grandson.  Now, if my middle son would get married and have one or two, we could die happy people. 

Hope one of these days your in-laws will come to their senses and act like grown up people. 
Title: Re: Looking for a Different Perspective
Post by: LaurieS on January 21, 2011, 12:28:18 PM
Fafe that is wonderful... I did tell my son and his gf that if they ever had a baby that it would be the most beautiful baby on earth.  I love the Asian coloring and silky black hair.  My hopefully future dil has such tiny feet.. we all feel like giants around her.
Title: Re: Looking for a Different Perspective
Post by: foofoo on January 21, 2011, 01:02:44 PM
Just to clarify a few things,

CremeBrulee, I do not allow my children near those people because they do show their bigotry towards my children.  I remember when my oldest was just a few months old, some relative of DHs died and we had to go to a church service for them.  The usher sat us in front of MIL and I was holding the baby so that the baby was facing behind me over my shoulder.  MIL was so uncomfortable wiht her own grandchild looking at her that she got up and went to the restroom.

I tell my DH that he should go visit his family to the extent he wants to.  He does not take the kids with them.  I figure if they really want to know their grandchildren, they will make some sort of effort -- send a birthday card, a christmas present, or pick up the phone and call DH.  Just so you know how hateful these people are, one time DH sent his father pictures of the girls.  A couple weeks later he called him for some reason and asked him if he got the pictures, his father's response, "Why would I want to look at those?"  DH told some of his relatives, including his sisters and they all just said that his dad was just mad and trying to upset him and to ignore it.

These are not normal people.  Normal people of any culture are not this hateful.  I could tell you story after story after story.  There really isn't anything anyone can do about it.  Their priest has tried to intervene, DH's grandfather tried to intervene.  They are just bigots.
Title: Re: Looking for a Different Perspective
Post by: holliberri on January 21, 2011, 01:13:23 PM
Foofoo,

If I may, it sounds like your mind is made up. If you don't want your children around DH's parents, then it like that is what is best for you. I don't see why you need to look for a different perspective; you are only protecting your children. Plus, it seems like many of us would do the same exact thing in your shoes.

Regardless, I think we'll support you either way. Good luck; I can't imagine being treated badly over something I had no control of from birth.
Title: Re: Looking for a Different Perspective
Post by: cremebrulee on January 21, 2011, 01:37:15 PM
Foofoo, I did not realize the extent of how bad it was, and I'm terribly sorry for everyone concerned, if they are like that, I would not want my children near them either...how can any human being be like that?  I just don't understand...and I'm so sorry your dealing with this...and yes, we support you all the way...

Creme

Title: Re: Looking for a Different Perspective
Post by: lancaster lady on January 21, 2011, 04:11:15 PM
Any baby is a gift ,no matter what colour or religion .
They are innocent and only learn from what they see around them .
I would keep them as far away as I could .You don't want them tainted by their GP standards !
Shame on them ,its their loss ,missing out on the best years of their GC lives .

Protect your cubs mommy ..!
Title: Re: Looking for a Different Perspective
Post by: luise.volta on January 21, 2011, 04:18:07 PM
Well, I'm not going to jump all over you! A line drawn in the sand where your kids are OK but you aren't is one that can drive a wedge in a marriage. You are a package deal and they are half while. My take is that it is your ILs that should get over it! Sending love...
Title: Re: Looking for a Different Perspective
Post by: katie84 on January 21, 2011, 04:58:53 PM
This situation you are in FooFoo makes me so sad :(:( I cannot believe in the year 2011 people still have prejuices!!!! They should get over it!!! People are people and life is so short to waste it on something insane as color or race. They should be happy their son found someone to love and vica versa. Someday, as life goes, they will no longer be here on this earth, so wouldn't you think they would want happiness for their son? I am outraged at people's ignorance :( I just cannot believe it. They should watch the mover (a fav of mine) Guess who's coming to dinner. At the end, Spencer Tracy gave the mostamazing speech. Hugs to you FooFoo (((((hugs))))) sorry you have to deal with this.
Title: Re: Looking for a Different Perspective
Post by: penelope on January 26, 2011, 05:06:43 AM
~BIG HUGS TO YOU FOOFOO~ I can't imagine how hard this must be,I have to say I would do the same,I would keep my children from them to....if they cannot accept you the odds are your children will get the same...how sad over the fact you are not of the same race. I have dil issues and one of the biggest reasons I'm willing to buck it up is I wanna be a gm more than anything in the world,I agree with these ladies,first try to see if they will welcome you before subjecting your children to it,it's sad to see your hubby in the middle,as I'm sure he loves you all deeply~but some cultures are so deep seeded they do not want to change,it's all they know~when my son went into the Marines a few years ago I remember someone asking him how is it living at bootcamp with so many diff ethnic groups,his response was all I see is green:) I thought good job!! my dh family is very strong Irish Catholic,I've never met my fi but have been told sooo many times Archie Bunker was his idol,I hated that show,my mi wasn't fond of me becouse I was a southern baptist:b to keep the peace I had the kids baptized catholic and have attended the catholic church for 23 years,as long as I'm hearing the word of God I'm happy,but I had to give up a part of me to keep the peace,and believe me over the years it has been an issue~I wish you all the best~