WiseWomenUnite.com

Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: 2chickiebaby on April 02, 2010, 02:50:06 PM

Title: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
Post by: 2chickiebaby on April 02, 2010, 02:50:06 PM
When we, as parents are asking our kids... "can you come to a function?" ...

What is the deal about it being a guilt trip if we say, "please come"?  We are apparently guilting them into coming. Why is it referred to as a Craptacular? and why
are we guilting them into coming just by asking? 

You can tell, I'm struggling with trying to understand what is so wrong about asking our kids who are married
to come to an event with us there.  These are usually sons who are married...hardly ever daughters but if someone
could help me understand, I'd appreciate it.

I haven't received my Boundaries book so I'm not versed in understanding the rules yet.  My Lord!  Asking the grown
kids to come to an event with us there?  Why does the Craptacular have to be such a struggle?  I want to get to where
I don't care anymore....that means I won't love our sons anymore.  It's hard as you can imagine. 



Title: Re: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
Post by: Scoop on April 02, 2010, 05:44:48 PM
Well, I think the problem is not so much in the asking, it's if there's any fallout when the answer is "no".  The people who refer to these events as craptaculars are dealing with MIL's who don't take 'no' for an answer.   They continue asking and harping on it.  They cry and wail and gnash their teeth (or they have in the past) until the son caves and passes the guilt on to the DIL to go to the event.

Sometimes it's a question of these invites coming too often.

Sometimes the DIL's are treated poorly by the IL's and the extended family, or have been in the past and thus have negative associations with these events.

More often than not, I would guess that whatever event is just NOT the DIL's cup of tea, maybe her family was smaller and had less rambunctious parties, maybe her family was bigger and she's used to MORE rambunctious parties.

Title: Re: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
Post by: 2chickiebaby on April 02, 2010, 05:53:39 PM
Quote from: Scoop on April 02, 2010, 05:44:48 PM
Well, I think the problem is not so much in the asking, it's if there's any fallout when the answer is "no".  The people who refer to these events as craptaculars are dealing with MIL's who don't take 'no' for an answer.   They continue asking and harping on it.  They cry and wail and gnash their teeth (or they have in the past) until the son caves and passes the guilt on to the DIL to go to the event.

Sometimes it's a question of these invites coming too often.

Sometimes the DIL's are treated poorly by the IL's and the extended family, or have been in the past and thus have negative associations with these events.

More often than not, I would guess that whatever event is just NOT the DIL's cup of tea, maybe her family was smaller and had less rambunctious parties, maybe her family was bigger and she's used to MORE rambunctious parties.

That's understandable....but on the other hand, if we don't keep the kids or keep the dogs when they need it, we're given
the cold shoulder for a period of time.  Then, the calling and "how are you's"? and boom! the motive pops up.  "can you keep
the dogs while we go to ....wherever?"

The asking for a craptacular, though by us is really too much and is our way of guilting them into coming.  I will never get
it.  Thank you, Scoop for helping me.
Title: Re: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
Post by: Scoop on April 02, 2010, 06:08:53 PM
Chickie - I think you of all people would have sympathy for the DIL's on the other sites, because you're dealing with the same kind of dysfunctional, rotten, type of people in your DIL's.  They have different titles (MILs vs DILs), but they use the same rotten tactics.

It's absolutely rotten that your son & DIL only talk to you when they need something.

It's funny that you should mention the dog-sitting.  My Bro and SIL always ask my Mom to watch their dog over March break, SIL has family here in town and apparently a HUGE amount of friends, but my Mom comes from 5 hours away to watch their dog.  (To be fair, she comes and spends the week with my DD, so she doesn't have to go to daycare.)  My Mom doesn't particularly care to take care of the dog or to be responsible for their house, but she does, because then she gets a visit with my bro & the DN's at the beginning of the trip AND at the end of the trip.

Maybe Chickie you could take some of the power back in your relationship with your DS, say "Sure!  I would LOVE to take the dog!  Hey, when you drop her off, wil you stay for supper?"  Or " ... and you can come for supper the day you get back, that way you won't have to cook and I would LOVE to hear about your trip!"
Title: Re: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
Post by: 2chickiebaby on April 02, 2010, 07:12:01 PM
Quote from: Scoop on April 02, 2010, 06:08:53 PM
Chickie - I think you of all people would have sympathy for the DIL's on the other sites, because you're dealing with the same kind of dysfunctional, rotten, type of people in your DIL's.  They have different titles (MILs vs DILs), but they use the same rotten tactics.

It's absolutely rotten that your son & DIL only talk to you when they need something.

It's funny that you should mention the dog-sitting.  My Bro and SIL always ask my Mom to watch their dog over March break, SIL has family here in town and apparently a HUGE amount of friends, but my Mom comes from 5 hours away to watch their dog.  (To be fair, she comes and spends the week with my DD, so she doesn't have to go to daycare.)  My Mom doesn't particularly care to take care of the dog or to be responsible for their house, but she does, because then she gets a visit with my bro & the DN's at the beginning of the trip AND at the end of the trip.

Maybe Chickie you could take some of the power back in your relationship with your DS, say "Sure!  I would LOVE to take the dog!  Hey, when you drop her off, wil you stay for supper?"  Or " ... and you can come for supper the day you get back, that way you won't have to cook and I would LOVE to hear about your trip!"

Scoop, maybe I should have sympathy for the DILs on the other site.  I just don't understand some of them with their
way of talking.  "she babysits all week and then the hag wants my DH to show her how to work her DVD", stuff like that.

My husband wants me to stop obsessing over this lost family and cut them off.  He is so tired of it all.  I am hoping to get
there and do that but it will be hard.
Title: Re: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
Post by: Hope on April 02, 2010, 07:28:08 PM
Chickie,
I know that there are great dil's out there, but the person who wrote the quote on the dil site which you just posted has a BIG problem.  That is just not normal - she sounds very spoiled and mean spirited.  I feel sorry for her mil, her dh, and anyone who has to deal with her.  I have no doubt that she is the type person that everyone is intimidated by.  You know, they act like they like her to protect themselves.  Do you think she has any "real" friends?  I just don't understand people like that.  Her mil probably doesn't even know she talks about her that badly.  That actually made my stomach hurt. 

I know it's hard to do (and who knows who could really do it unless they were actually in your shoes), but I think your dh has a point.  If you just go on with your lives, show respect for yourselves, and make the best of what you have, you may find the happiness you had before your dc.  It gives me so much comfort to know that you have a dh that cares about you. 

Life just isn't fair some times, but I don't know what to say to make you feel better.  I have love for you, though, and want you to be happy.  Sending hugs.......Hope
Title: Re: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
Post by: 2chickiebaby on April 02, 2010, 07:36:37 PM
Quote from: Hope on April 02, 2010, 07:28:08 PM
Chickie,
I know that there are great dil's out there, but the person who wrote the quote on the dil site which you just posted has a BIG problem.  That is just not normal - she sounds very spoiled and mean spirited.  I feel sorry for her mil, her dh, and anyone who has to deal with her.  I have no doubt that she is the type person that everyone is intimidated by.  You know, they act like they like her to protect themselves.  Do you think she has any "real" friends?  I just don't understand people like that.  Her mil probably doesn't even know she talks about her that badly.  That actually made my stomach hurt. 

I know it's hard to do (and who knows who could really do it unless they were actually in your shoes), but I think your dh has a point.  If you just go on with your lives, show respect for yourselves, and make the best of what you have, you may find the happiness you had before your dc.  It gives me so much comfort to know that you have a dh that cares about you. 

Life just isn't fair some times, but I don't know what to say to make you feel better.  I have love for you, though, and want you to be happy.  Sending hugs.......Hope

Thank you, Hope...I've been dealt a huge defeat and sadness from such controlling people in my life that I know he's right.
You know how hard that is, they are are kids, our babies, now grown up.  I can't think of a harder thing to do than this.
I know in my heart he's right.....keep me in your prayers.  I can't fight this impossible fight anymore. I've never met such
self-centered people.  They certainly have their boundaries.  I just wanted a family, that's all.

My husband says the cost is too high...like some work of art that we can't afford to buy.  It's like something priceless you are
carrying in your arms and you dropped it over a cliff.  That's how it feels.
Title: Re: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
Post by: Hope on April 02, 2010, 08:08:38 PM
Chickie,
Ohhhhhhhh, how I hurt for you.  I know you love your ds and gc so much that you would pay ANY price to have them in your life in a healthy relationship.  But the truth is, there is no price you can pay b/c you have no control over what other people do.  You could offer your very life to have a good relationship, but if they don't want it, your life would be given in vain. 
If you just can't bring yourself to cut them out of your life, I have a story to offer:
My sister and her husband had problems with their dil and ds for a couple years and it caused them terrible suffering.  They wrote emails and a letter to them, but it didn't help b/c they were writing it from their own perspective.  After much defeat and despair, my bil wrote them a letter asking their forgiveness - saying that he had failed as a father, etc.  (My sister and bil are fabulous parents and always went the extra mile for their children.  They would do ANYTHING for them.)  Do you know his dil called him to say that they received his letter and she was NICE to him.  It was a turning point in their relationship.  No, they will never rank up there with dil's parents, but at least they are in their lives.  Last night I used that tactic with my son.  I had a rare opportunity to speak to him one-on-one and I told him that I felt like a failure as a mil - that no matter how hard I try, I manage to mess things up.  Do you know that he actually said, "Mom, you are doing fine".  I told him, "No, I think everything through before I say it, but I still mess things all up.  I feel like such a failure."  We talked for about 20 minutes and he - hold onto your seat - told me he loved me before we hung up......before I had a chance to tell him I loved him.  Maybe there really is something to asking for forgiveness even if you have done nothing wrong in your eyes.  That's the approach Creme used, too, and it worked for her.  I know it might seem absolutely crazy since they have offended us so, and we have given and given but if it's possible to offer that up and it is accepted by them, it could be a good new beginning.  Have you already gone down this avenue?
Love you to pieces, Hope
Title: Re: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
Post by: 2chickiebaby on April 02, 2010, 08:19:39 PM
Quote from: Hope on April 02, 2010, 08:08:38 PM
Chickie,
Ohhhhhhhh, how I hurt for you.  I know you love your ds and gc so much that you would pay ANY price to have them in your life in a healthy relationship.  But the truth is, there is no price you can pay b/c you have no control over what other people do.  You could offer your very life to have a good relationship, but if they don't want it, your life would be given in vain. 
If you just can't bring yourself to cut them out of your life, I have a story to offer:
My sister and her husband had problems with their dil and ds for a couple years and it caused them terrible suffering.  They wrote emails and a letter to them, but it didn't help b/c they were writing it from their own perspective.  After much defeat and despair, my bil wrote them a letter asking their forgiveness - saying that he had failed as a father, etc.  (My sister and bil are fabulous parents and always went the extra mile for their children.  They would do ANYTHING for them.)  Do you know his dil called him to say that they received his letter and she was NICE to him.  It was a turning point in their relationship.  No, they will never rank up there with dil's parents, but at least they are in their lives.  Last night I used that tactic with my son.  I had a rare opportunity to speak to him one-on-one and I told him that I felt like a failure as a mil - that no matter how hard I try, I manage to mess things up.  Do you know that he actually said, "Mom, you are doing fine".  I told him, "No, I think everything through before I say it, but I still mess things all up.  I feel like such a failure."  We talked for about 20 minutes and he - hold onto your seat - told me he loved me before we hung up......before I had a chance to tell him I loved him.  Maybe there really is something to asking for forgiveness even if you have done nothing wrong in your eyes.  That's the approach Creme used, too, and it worked for her.  I know it might seem absolutely crazy since they have offended us so, and we have given and given but if it's possible to offer that up and it is accepted by them, it could be a good new beginning.  Have you already gone down this avenue?
Love you to pieces, Hope

I sure would do that, Hope....I have worked myself to death for them. She had some deaths in her family over about 4 years
I did everything for them....literally.  I have honestly been a slave to them.  That's been part of the problem...I've been
her slave.  It's taking a toll on me physically now and I no longer can.  Really, the GC are getting older and they don't
need the slave as much anymore.  So, I would apologize but I swear, there isn't anything to apologize about.
Title: Re: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
Post by: cocobars on April 03, 2010, 05:29:43 AM
Hope, that's a wonderful story and such a good idea too.  Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe your BIL was apologising for being a bad parent, because he felt the children didn't respect him.  Is that right?

Presenting something like that makes people think.  It puts them in a place where they are responsible for your feelings.  Some people would think that is manipulative, but others (like me) would think it is a very true statement.  When children do the things some of the grown children here do, it DOES make the parents feel like they did their jobs wrong.

Is this what you were saying?
Title: Re: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
Post by: 2chickiebaby on April 03, 2010, 06:04:01 AM
Quote from: coco on April 03, 2010, 05:29:43 AM
Hope, that's a wonderful story and such a good idea too.  Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe your BIL was apologising for being a bad parent, because he felt the children didn't respect him.  Is that right?

Presenting something like that makes people think.  It puts them in a place where they are responsible for your feelings.  Some people would think that is manipulative, but others (like me) would think it is a very true statement.  When children do the things some of the grown children here do, it DOES make the parents feel like they did their jobs wrong.

Is this what you were saying?

Coco,
That's a beautiful way to put it....when you are apologizing for being a bad parent when your kids don't treat you right.
I wish you would "ping" me.  How did you get your magical powers?  What is a "ping"?

Title: Re: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
Post by: Hope on April 03, 2010, 06:40:46 AM
Chickie and Coco,
The tactic my bil used was showing his vulnerability to his ds/dil, and that's what I thought Creme did in her letter to dil and I tried to do in my phone conversation with my ds.  My bil's letter was very heartfelt - he is such a great person.  He was feeling that he failed as a parent b/c he didn't understand how his ds could have thrown them away like used toilet paper (he didn't state it that way).  He meant what he wrote in his letter and I meant what I said to ds when I spoke to him on the phone the other night.  I really do feel like a failure as a mil.  I didn't do any thing to intentionally hurt my dil, but we are coming from two totally different perspectives and in her eyes I did something wrong, I'm sure.  Some times I just don't say things right.  I did talk about my x-son-in-law to her (out of concern).  I say things sometimes from my heart that I shouldn't.  So I do feel like I failed, even if I didn't mean to.   I only wish I knew what else I did wrong so I can work on it.  In order to start fresh on my relationship, I was hoping that taking the stance 'that I could have done something inadvertently to cause hurt' might open the door for a fresh start.  I hope I didn't give anyone the idea that I think manipulation is the answer - I didn't mean it that way at all.  I wanted to share with Chickie what others found successful in hopes that it would help her, but it sounds like in her situation it probably wouldn't work any way.  Sorry, C/B, I wish there was something you could do b/c I know you feel like part of you is dying.  Hugging you, Hope
Title: Re: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
Post by: cocobars on April 03, 2010, 08:19:16 AM
Hope, that's not how I took that at all.  The manipulation is something that I thought some others may see, and I very well may be wrong about that.  I don't understand the DIL's I've heard about here and really believed that's how they may see something like that.  I know it's a negative view, but I guess from hearing all these stories from women on this site, I have gotten a negative view of the DIL's who are like this, and I know this is not the way most DIL's think. 

I did think he was speaking from his heart and I believe you have worded it in a much better way than I did.  Sometimes speaking from your heart is the best thing you can do when you have these things happen in your family. 

Anyway, I didn't mean to direct that at being a manipulative thing in general.  I think it was a beautiful story and was trying to say that, even though maybe my words weren't quite right. 

Thank you for telling us about it.  I do believe this is a good idea and may help someone...
Title: Re: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
Post by: cocobars on April 03, 2010, 09:01:15 AM
Oh Chickie, you need a ping?  Ok!  Are you ready?  Here is comes...

Hold onto your hat!

PINGITY           PING                PINGGGGGG!!!!!

You thought I missed that didn't you!  I hope you feel them...
Title: Re: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
Post by: 2chickiebaby on April 03, 2010, 09:30:17 AM
Thank you, Coco....I feel dizzy now.   :P :o  You are a great pinger.

Everytime an Angel get its wings,  Heaven's harps go, "PING!!"


I must have gotten my wings today.  This is good; I have always wanted to fly....has anyone ever had a flying dream??  Where you Where you could actually fly?  It is wonderful!!

You can fly around, undetected.....  It's so freeing.  I wish I could fly. 

Title: Re: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
Post by: cocobars on April 03, 2010, 09:48:00 AM
Chickie, dig throug your stuff.  You received your magic wand way before I did!  When you reach 1,000 posts, Luise gives you a magic wand and the power to send "PINGS" to everyone and help them feel better! 

Look for it, polish it up and start using it!  You have this magic wand now and can send out those "PINGS."  I need one too so badly right now. 

Can you send me one too?
Title: Re: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
Post by: willingtohelp on April 03, 2010, 09:50:11 AM
I have to agree with Scoop on so many counts.  First, chickie, your DIL is just as wrong as the MILs on that site.  You don't use people, which is what she and your son are doing.  Anyone who uses people, be it a MIL or DIL, is doing something wrong. 

As far as the difference between a kind invitation and a craptacular...I have to agree with Scoop again.  A kind invitation is one that is extended in the hopes that a person will attend and one where a regret is accepted without any tantrums or demands for an explanation. 

To help show the difference:
A "craptacular" involves first the invitation, which is usually not even expressed as an invitation but just an assumption that you'll be there.  The conversation goes something like this "We're getting together for Thanksgiving at noon, you'll need to bring x and y."  Now at no point does the person say, "Will you be there?"  They've assumed without asking that their child and his or her spouse will be doing that.  Unless your child and his or her spouse have been doing this every year for the past 10 or have made it clear that they'll always be doing this, it's just not polite to assume to know someone else's schedule. 

The second requirement for an event to be a craptacular can be seen if an invitation is declined.  If it is declined in a normal event, the hostess may say, "oh well, you'll be missed, but we'll catch you next time" and leave it at that.  A craptacular hostess will first start with either the outrage or the tears....the death card (this may be so and so's last holiday) may be played if an older relative will be in attendance.   Other members of the family will begin to express how sad they are that you won't be there and how the hostess has called them to express her grief about it.   Typically the hounding will escalate as the event approaches, sometimes reaching multiple calls and emails a day to "just check" that your plans haven't changed. 

If you do decide to go to a craptacular, the specifications for what you need to do are beyond normal.  A normal family event, the hostess may say to bring a side or a dessert.  At a craptacular, the instructions are well beyond normal.  This is the best example I've seen of "craptacular" level instructions.  http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/2009/11/26/awkward-family-story-the-thanksgiving-letter/

Once you arrive at a family craptacular, the last of the requirements can be seen.  You will be put at the end of the table with the rest of the ILs.  The "family" meaning the mother, father, and their blood children will be seated at the other end of the table.  If "family" photos are taken, you will be the one taking the pictures while everyone else poses because while your DH and your children are "blood", you are not.  To truly put a cherry on top of a craptacular, if the hostess can insert the items you're allergic to into most, if not all, of the dishes, then it has truly become one. 

I say all of this to illustrate that what DILs on those sites are referring to as "craptaculars" are not normal loving family events.  What I imagine the MILs on this site are planning do not fall into that catergory in any way.  And that also a reason to have some sympathy for some of the DILs on that site.  They're having to go to events that are like that.  What's worse is they're likely missing family events on their side to go to events like that where they're not even really included.  I hope this helps differentiate what the differences between a normal event and a craptacular are. 
Title: Re: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
Post by: cocobars on April 03, 2010, 10:05:00 AM
Clover, first of all I want to express that I too didn't know what a craptaplular was.  Never heard of it.

Secondly, I have experienced this same thing and can understand how it does scare someone else off and out.

By the way, we've missed you for the past couple of days.  Happy you're back!
Title: Re: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
Post by: Pen on April 03, 2010, 11:08:08 AM
I too didn't know about the craptacular, although in retrospect that's what I deal with when my SM plans an event that she can't not invite us to  (dad's birthday or dad's relatives in from overseas.) I'm given maid/cook chores to do to keep me out of the mainstream. She tries to control everything about our trip (doesn't want us to rent a car so she can control when we come and go, etc.) It's not a craptacular to her own kids, just to our side. We are not considered equal. I feel  for all the DILs who have to deal with this! It's not fun.

We don't have big holidays anymore - no near relatives other than DS & DIL, and they are expected at DIL's family's. We just fit in around the edges these days. Small is good, but I miss the gatherings sometimes. It would be nice to be given the consideration that DIL's family is given. I'm really tired of being the outcast. Silly me, I thought when I had my own family I'd finally fit in at holidays. What was I thinking?
Title: Re: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
Post by: 2chickiebaby on April 03, 2010, 02:21:44 PM
Clover, I am dying laughing here!!  This is up there with my Aunt who used to bring the corn bread dressing to Thanksgiving.

She would come in my GMother's back door and say, "well, it's awful".  She was so sour on life.  She would tell her 3 kids,
who had not said a single word: "kids, shut up and sit down!!"  (they were sitting and they weren't talking)

Anyway, I know what you mean about the craptaculars.  It's meant so much to me to have a family get together but
my DIL always throws a crink in it some way.  Our son just called and asked us to come tomorrow to his house for Easter.
I was so glad but am worried to death now because she didn't call.  She ALWAYS does the calling, not him.

If she is not there or if she is rude, what am I going to do???  What should I do?  She is mad at me for my husband
calling our son about not visiting me in the hospital.  That made her furious.  In her mind she is supposed to be able to
do as she wishes and never do anything for anyone if she doesn't want to.

What am I going to do if she is cold to us?  What would y'all do.
Title: Re: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
Post by: 2chickiebaby on April 03, 2010, 03:14:25 PM
Quote from: coco on April 03, 2010, 09:48:00 AM
Chickie, dig throug your stuff.  You received your magic wand way before I did!  When you reach 1,000 posts, Luise gives you a magic wand and the power to send "PINGS" to everyone and help them feel better! 

Look for it, polish it up and start using it!  You have this magic wand now and can send out those "PINGS."  I need one too so badly right now. 

Can you send me one too?

Yes, Coco!! PING!! PING!!  PING
Title: Re: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
Post by: 2chickiebaby on April 03, 2010, 03:19:17 PM
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on April 03, 2010, 02:21:44 PM
Clover, I am dying laughing here!!  This is up there with my Aunt who used to bring the corn bread dressing to Thanksgiving.

She would come in my GMother's back door and say, "well, it's awful".  She was so sour on life.  She would tell her 3 kids,
who had not said a single word: "kids, shut up and sit down!!"  (they were sitting and they weren't talking)

Anyway, I know what you mean about the craptaculars.  It's meant so much to me to have a family get together but
my DIL always throws a crink in it some way.  Our son just called and asked us to come tomorrow to his house for Easter.
I was so glad but am worried to death now because she didn't call.  She ALWAYS does the calling, not him.

If she is not there or if she is rude, what am I going to do???  What should I do?  She is mad at me for my husband
calling our son about not visiting me in the hospital.  That made her furious.  In her mind she is supposed to be able to
do as she wishes and never do anything for anyone if she doesn't want to.

What am I going to do if she is cold to us?  What would y'all do.

Something else I want to add here:  I come from a generation of give love to others.  Show love to others.  We'd drag
ourselves to our family's craptaculars even on our deathbed.  We did not know boundaries.  They were our family and we
might complain and run ourselves ragged but we'd go.  I can tell you, I don't regret, though some might, that I did do
those things for my family who are no longer here.  I don't have any regrets.  It was a "hilarious", yet dysfunctional
family.
Title: Re: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
Post by: 2chickiebaby on April 03, 2010, 04:31:35 PM
I wanted to tell everyone that I got my Boundaries book and I don't have any (boundaries)  I'm going to get them, though.

Title: Re: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
Post by: 2chickiebaby on April 03, 2010, 07:11:34 PM
Quote from: Anna on April 03, 2010, 06:28:39 PM
Chickie, we ran ourselves ragged during holidays when our boys were children, & I don't regret one second.  We were teaching them love, compassion & selflessness.  We put other people before ourselves.  We lived 4 hours, (by car), away.  We stayed at relatives houses.  We went from one house to another, to another.  We were sooooo tired by the time we got back home, but it was such a feel good, happy tired.  We made a lot of people happy just by taking our children to see them.  WE made them happy.  I think that is such a great thing, that we can make other people happy if we want to.  It's so easy sometimes.  Just by visiting, we did that.  Amazing !!
Why do some sons & dils want to do the opposite of making people happy?  I think it is just so sad.   :(

I guess those days are over, Anna....I don't regret them either.  I think we'd better get with the program, though
because otherwise, we are going to keep getting our heart broken.  We have to get boundaries so we can deal
with the people who have boundaries.
Title: Re: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
Post by: cocobars on April 04, 2010, 09:16:47 AM
Chickie, I agree.  It's sad, but so true now...

Sending you some heartfelt hugs... 
Title: Re: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
Post by: 2chickiebaby on April 04, 2010, 11:54:57 AM
So, today, we had lunch at a restaurant with son and DIL and kids.  I noticed, since reading my Boundaries book how few
boundaries my son has.  He is constantly trying to boost her up, agree with her, make her feel good.

I had mentioned that one of our GS's, their cousin, is a fabulous athlete and he is.  Son, at the table, started telling us
how wonderful one of his kids is at athletics.  I don't know why this has to be a competition.  It's ridiculous.

At one point, I found myself getting almost angry about something that was said that in the past I would have agreed
to....I found myself wanting to tell them I didn't agree.  I didn't say anything.
Title: Re: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
Post by: willingtohelp on April 04, 2010, 01:29:40 PM
Sorry I've been away gals, we travelled to see DH's grandmother & aunt for Easter, so my internet access has been limited.  I'll be back home on Monday. 
Title: Re: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
Post by: cocobars on April 04, 2010, 03:22:22 PM
Hi Clover!

Have fun!  Break a leg!  No, just kidding, don't break a leg!  Hope you have laughs and giggles though!  Happy Easter!

See you on Monday!
Title: Re: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
Post by: Hope on April 04, 2010, 07:33:19 PM
Happy Easter everyone!  I hope you all had a great day.
Title: Re: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
Post by: blau10 on April 06, 2010, 01:32:49 PM
What is a boundaries book?  I've never heard of this and I think I might need one. 

And I like the word "craptaculars" - I now have a word for the events I have been invited to at my DIL's events. This is exactly how I have seen things and felt; at my DIL's bridal shower, wedding reception to my DS, and her baby shower in particular.  I was NOT allowed to invite anyone to these events because she has a big family and they didn't want to spend any more money than they had to.  When I offered to pay for my guests, they didn't have any room left.  Because my DS only has his own parents and one set of GPs locally I accepted this based on the relative theory, even though I was treated like an outsider and ignored by her relatives. 

Title: Re: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
Post by: cocobars on April 06, 2010, 04:53:33 PM
HAHAHA!  I'm dying here!

Thank you Chickie!  We've all learned a new word.... ;D