So... I'm 34, and I've had a baby. My body will never be what it once was. I have stretch marks and my skin sags around my belly. Nothing I can do to correct this. Problem is, I was a dancer for 4 1/2 years. I was beautiful and my body was perfect. Now, I'm out of shape and a little over weight. I'm 5' 6" and weigh 150 lbs. I wear a size 10. My boyfriend is very concerned about appearances, though he's gained quite a bit of weight himself. I just don't think he realizes how he looks is exactly how I look. He's attracted to very skinny girls. I'm kind of happy with how I am and need to be kind to myself at this point, but every time we watch a movie or go into public, he's enamored with younger skinnier women. I don't want to seem like a nag, so I try to ignore it, but it drives me nuts. I don't know if it is my insecure nature that quantifies my jealousy or if it is because the only thing I ever used to have power over was my looks and men as a result. I know - sick and twisted. But I don't know what to do. I want to leave him half of the time for looking at other women. I'm a very sexual person an desire affection several times a week, but he doesn't seem very attracted to me and I'm not sure why. My mother ridiculed me about a year ago and said "but you've lived with all these different men." implying that I am sexually permiscuous. I don't agree with her need to conform to society. If you're happy, you're happy, if not, leave. At the same time, I'm getting older and want to settle down. Unfortunately, I don't feel like the man I'm with is the right guy. He seems so superficial. I'm not that overweight, but he makes me feel like younger, tighter and prettier girls are God's gift to him. I don't know what to do or how to feel....
Welcome wrbinc. Please read the two posts under Open Me First. One is the Forum Agreement which has to be a fit for this to work...and the other is How This Happened...our history. Thanks.
I think you already know what the answer is. If what he is doing is making you unhappy, and you have tried to talk to him about it and getting no results, then you don't need to be with him. If you are happy with how you look and feel, that is what matters. Valuing yourself and being comfortable in your own skin is the most important thing. Being loved for who you are, not what you look like is what love is all about.
Good morning, Pooh, and thank you.
I don't see the Forum Agreement in Open Me First.... Am I missing it?
Umm....no, you are not missing it. It's disappeared! Sorry wrbic, I'm not sure what's going on with it but it looks like our forum leader did something with it over the weekend and now it's in la la land. We will get that resolved.
Well, apparently I am also a total idiot this morning as I just realized that this was not your first post and have been told before to go read it. Sorry girl...I promise that I am going after my second cup of coffee!
I think lots of men and women check out other people, all different body types. But they do it discreetly because they don't want to make other people feel awkward (including the skinny 22 year old with a married old man leering at her). That is the time to remember we're ladies and gentleman. To be considerate of the feelings of others. DH is aware one of my exes was a hottie and definitely a certain type. When we see that type, I have to make a moment's effort to ignore not turn my head or look that way more than once. Though I do want to see just what's going on with it all. Maybe steal a glance or two if DH is distracted. Sometimes DH will point him out by making the joke, "Hey Exname's here." I'm grateful because its almost like he gives me permission to check it out for a moment. Sometimes if we're watching the world go by, I will mention when there's a particularly attractive woman to DH. "Hottie alert." Even if she's 180 degrees behind him and behind a pole he will immediately say "Green dress?" Of course he didn't miss that, but I'm quietly pleased he spared me knowing he had already checked her out, until I mention it. Then it becomes shared, not threatening. Just pointing out beauty in the world. And, the context as partners is, that I think we're both fairly confident in our attractiveness to the other. We compliment each other a lot.
I don't like that this guy's rejecting you.
I really don't like that he's rejecting you and making it obvious to you he is checking out other women.
And checking them out enough to let you know how enamored he is with them, and that he thinks they find his attention such a treat.
While he's rejecting you.
Without knowing if boyfriend is your baby's father or not, without knowing financials, or knowing you at all, but you wrote for straight talk about this topic. So this is not advice. Just my straight up opinion about the very limited information you wrote.
The situation described sounds to me like a formula for miserable partnership marked by your lonliness and self-doubt. The kind of slow seeping misery that will erode your own self esteem, and damage you if you stay in it much longer. JMHO.
Just the risk of getting STDs would make me leave the guy.
I can tell not so much by your words but by your tone that maybe this hurts you more than you want to acknolwedge. I know it took me a long time in a similar situation. I stayed in that place for 18 years... for the children, because God said one marriage etc. My weight has been from 180-350 @ 5'10". I just didn't have the tools to cope with someone who had no idea how to treat the person they "loved". One thing I do know is a jackleg is a jackleg . If he is still hurting you and knows it, and hasn't changed ...he won't. I also know that there are men out there who will love you exactly for who you are. Men who will respect you and be faithful, I know because I found mine. I am now about 250, I still have a lot of issues with it but my DH makes me feel good for who I am . He calls me big sexy and lets me know he doesn't care he loves me for me. If you are truly happy with yourself at this stage of life then enjoy you. What I would work on if I was you is why you find men who don't treat you the way you deserve. It took a second very bad marriage and alot of soulsearching before I figured it out, but DH makes me so glad I did . I wish you the best.
wow... for the past four weeks or so I've been guilt-ridden over what I posted. That I was disgusting for having danced for a living, that most women hated me for doing what I did. That I coulnd't say what I needed to. That the subject line alone alienated me. I hate myself, as it were and as it is. I am intelligent. but an idiot just the same. I hate myself. I hate everyone else. Ok. Truth be told, I'm just scared. I'm scared of people, women, retailers, doctors, friends and most of all family. I don't speak to my family.
Anyway, on another note, my boyfriend hates me. Even though I am unemployed and paying 50% of his bills, I had to take out a loan from my 401K to repair my car, fine. I get that. but I m thoroughly convinced that he hates me. Maybe my screwed up childhood created this. I don't know.
He still looks at me as though I'm a leech. Even though I pay my way and half of his bills... but even that isn't enough
From a different perspective:
My at the time husband was unemployed and I gave him hell. To this day, I regret that. I didn't understand i didn't know what it was like to be rejected. I get that now.
bdwell1904
Thank you for your kind words. I hope you are receiving the benefits from being the kind and generous person you are - oh and guess what, YOU"RE GORGEOUS!!! Good for you for being lovely.
wouldratherbeincolorado, I'm sorry you feel this way. I didn't respond b/c I wasn't sure what to say, my take was that the stripping wasn't your issue but how you felt about your appearance now.
But since you brought up feeling badly about admitting to stripping, I will address that. IMO and most people I know do not hold anything against strippers. I don't think women (except some immature ones) find stripping to be as disgusting as you think. What I find concerning is that *some* women in the profession who do not feel secure in what they do, in my research, it is largely b/c they didn't feel they had a choice and this was the only worthwhile thing they can offer. Something in there background (largely a type of abuse) lead to this frame of mind for them. And in that case, I do not believe they are able to handle what comes along with being a stripper. That is what concerns me and most intelligent people I know.
I do think in order to be a dancer there should be a lot of testing for women who apply, to see if this is something they can handle and will not affect them detrimentally. Just like a lot of jobs, 911 dispatchers, cops, military. Dancing is a career field where mental health is very important and unfortunately our society has not caught up with that yet.
There are many, many women who danced and have become successful in other areas. But the difference is is that they do not feel badly for doing it, they knew what they were doing, knew the score and do not feel badly about it.
I think it would be good for you to examine why you feel badly about this. You should not be ashamed, is my take.
wouldratherbeincolorado, please use this thread.
Know that we are here for you.
The only thing you are suffering from, precious one, the the experience that is common to all of us, being a human being, because human being all do things they hate and are ashamed of. Let go of your past, and don't trade all your todays and tomorrows for yesterday's remorse, it will just eat up your life and you'll incur more remorse on top of that and before you know it, the gift of your life will be over. Its a short journey here, and we have a lot to do in a short space of time. Remorse for yesterday isn't on our itinerary. Loving others and yourself is.. ....leave judgment to the judge of the earth.
Well, today, I had to look at the name of the thread to make sure it wasn't one of those spam type postings that appear so I may have passed it over since originally answering.
I knew a stripper once and she was a great neighbor, working her way through college. She didn't seem to have any problem or issues with it and so we didn't but I never visited her at work.
So, WRBiC - why not just pick up and leave? Get a fresh start elsewhere?
Just for the record, I agree with Pam. I have no problem, as a woman, with stripping as a profession. I find it no different than an underwear model, bikini model, showgirl, etc. To me, it's a profession and nothing more. I do think that if you are ashamed of it, that's where the problem lies.
I don't have a problem with it either. If you have a problem with your profession, you need to figure it out no matter what profession you're in.
Link to the wiki about "right livelihood." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Noble_Eightfold_Path (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Noble_Eightfold_Path) Scroll down about halfway to the "right livelihood" subhead.
WRBIC I am sorry that you fell into a career that hurt you. Pardon me if I go off the deep end here but I am so tired of the way women are treated. The problem is not within you so don't take the blame. It is our society that has pushed women to make us feel like we need to be sexual objects. We are made to feel that if we are not attracting men then we are not valued. I noticed last week some of the highly paid women on CNBC were wearing sleeveless, low cut, super tight dresses; hello- this is New York in November- the men are wearing grey suits and high collared shirts with ties! Why do the women feel the need to show skin rather than be warm and the men do not?
But back to the point, strip clubs, I blame men, not women, for their existence. I hate what it does to women from every aspect. It is not you who should be ashamed, you were young and did not realize how what you were doing might affect you, it is the men who give those places business that should be ashamed of using women in that way. I guess I am a bit old fashioned, that plus the sexual abuse I experienced myself might make me sensitive to issues that hurt women.
It was a lesson learned for you, we've all been there one way or another. Just learn from it and move on, dress respectfully, act respectfully, be respectful of yourself.
As for your husband, not sure you should keep him, if he loved you he would not hurt you in any way. Wishing you a better future, and like the other said -put the past behind you.
Amen Kate!
What burns me the most is that healthcare is not offered to women in this profession.
I have seen interviews of former Playboy bunnies and they had a whale of a time when they worked in the club and moved on to professions later when they got older. There is no shame in all of this. I agree that if men weren't what they are these clubs would not exist but why not celebrate a beautiful body when it's been given to you.. Yes it is a celebration, not a shame.
One of the things I regret in my life that I wasn't more confident of my good looks when I was young. I always felt too fat ugly etc. and now at 61 when I look at pictures of me in my twenties - wow what a stunner, even if I say so myself - just didn't feel like that at the time, what a waste! Do enjoy your beauty as it is now, because you are beautiful and looking at your figures - weight/height etc. you are wonderful, celebrate it now.
Ditch all the spoilsports who make you feel bad about yourself, and I'm afraid your current partner seems to be one of them and hold your head high! You deserve it.
Do what your heart tells you to to because you will be criticised by other anyway. (Eleanor Roosevelt)
Good luck to you gorgeous!
I have to say that one of the best things I ever did for myself was investigating being a fetish model. I am a big girl (or Big Beautiful Woman, according to some personals sites), so realizing that there is in fact a whole group of people who actually -prefer- my body type gave me a huge lift and made me look at myself in a completely different way.
That being said, I think that there's a point in every job that involves success based on looks where you worry, and start to forget all the valuable and precious things about yourself that have nothing to do with your body. When it gets to that point, and you start feeling like you aren't worth anything if you aren't physically perfect, I think it's doing yourself a kindness to start refocusing on all the rest of you. I guarantee you that there is worth and wonderfullness to you independent of how you look naked. Surrounding yourself with people who don't manipulate and hurt you by playing on your fears and insecurities is an important place to start, IMO.
Quote from: elsieshaye on November 07, 2011, 06:29:51 AM
I have to say that one of the best things I ever did for myself was investigating being a fetish model.
Well, if we're going to open up, I wrote a letter to Playboy inquiring about employment as a Bunny when I was 12.
I did get a letter back!
Doe, that made me laugh. (When I was 12, I wrote a letter to Leonard Nimoy declaring my undying love. Thank goodness there is no chance I will ever meet the poor guy, lol! At least the Playboy folks were nice enough to answer you!)
Elsie, great post.
I recently made plans to attend an event with a gorgeous childhood friend & an old (male) friend of hers who is a celeb. At first I was excited, but then the doubt set in and the voices started going off in my head: I won't fit in, people will laugh at me, I'll embarrass my friend, the celeb will be shocked that he has to spend time with someone so ugly, I'm not fashionable, hip, skinny, rich or confident enough - yadda yadda yadda.
I thought I left that life because I prefered rural living, but now I realize I purposely moved to a community that (in the past at least) didn't judge people on looks because I knew I'd never survive in the old 'hood. When one is suddenly faced with those pressures again it can be scary! At my age one would think I'd have it together, but I feel like I'm back in junior high.
Pen, I can completely understand that.
Pen, In real life the majority of people are not "beautiful", we only notice the ones that are. Unless the event is Hollywood Style I am sure most people will be of average type. When you go take notice and then you will feel fine.
I think I was born with beer googles ;) it is rare for me to find someone who is not beautiful to me in someway. I love people watching.
As you get older , health is more important than looks , every time .
Amen LL!
Pooh, right on. I'm like Huell Howser in that I find just about everyone and everything fascinating, lol. Once they tell their story I find them attractive in some way.
LL, how true!
Kate, the people I'm going with are definitely Hollywood style (direct from Hollywood, actually.) The other attendees will be just regular folks. I grew up around very judgemental people for whom looks and style were everything; it affects me still. I live in my own little non-judgmental bubble until the real world catches up with me, then I panic! Yes, there will be cocktails at this event :) Maybe everyone will be wearing beer goggles, tee-hee.
Pen, I think you have to feel sorry for the Hollywood types- to spend your life worrying about such things-ughh! What counts in what is on the inside not outside. You sound pretty beautiful on the inside.
Quote from: Pen on November 07, 2011, 07:32:52 PM
Pooh, right on. I'm like Huell Howser in that I find just about everyone and everything fascinating, lol. Once they tell their story I find them attractive in some way.
LL, how true!
Kate, the people I'm going with are definitely Hollywood style (direct from Hollywood, actually.) The other attendees will be just regular folks. I grew up around very judgemental people for whom looks and style were everything; it affects me still. I live in my own little non-judgmental bubble until the real world catches up with me, then I panic! Yes, there will be cocktails at this event :) Maybe everyone will be wearing beer goggles, tee-hee.
Pen, I was searching for an Oscar Wilde quote that I wanted to add to Doe's quote thread and came across this gem and thought of you.
"Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months." Oscar Wilde. That cracked me right up.
Now I gotta find this quote of his I'm after, I remember the gist of it but want the exact thing.
How true is that? Some of the things so-called fashion experts come up with are very odd, and thankfully aren't around long; parachute pants, anyone? And who decided torn sweatshirts were the bomb (a la Flashdance?)