WiseWomenUnite.com

Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: Carmexx on February 19, 2010, 08:28:52 PM

Title: My Story with my MIL
Post by: Carmexx on February 19, 2010, 08:28:52 PM
Hello to all! I'm new here, and I've been reading this forum with great interest and some sadness too. I am saddened at the pain that I see many of you going through, and I hope that you are able to find resolutions soon.

I am actually a DIL and would like to share my own story with my MIL. Perhaps some of you can give me advice on what to do. After 4 years of marriage to my dear husband, I think I have reached some conclusions about my MIL who lives with us. Let me begin from the beginning. I'm going to be very careful to try to present both sides to be fair.

My husband and I got married, and within a short time we were expecting our first and only child. I had a horrible pregnancy throwing up about 5 times per day for months, and even when I wasn't doing that, I had debilitating nausea up until I was almost 7 months pregnant. I continued getting sick consistently until the end of the pregnancy, and this happened even throughout labor and up to a week after I had my son. During this time, my MIL would say things like, "control yourself!" As if I could switch off a button to stop what I was feeling! She would also talk about me to her friends and they concluded that I was doing that to get attention from my husband. How do I know? Well her friend came over to the house and started telling me how she would fake being sick any time her own husband  was paying attention to his mother so that he wouldn't pay attention to her, and all the time she would give me knowing looks. I was stunned! It was so early on, though, that I wanted so badly to convince them that I wasn't faking it. I finally started hiding every time I had to throw up so as not to upset my MIL, and this in my own house. It got to the point that I was scared of coming out of my room when my husband was not around because she was so sullen and would just scowl at me.

Meanwhile, I have got to say that I was trying very hard to be the best DIL I knew to be. I would engage her in conversations when she wasn't in a bad mood to try to get her to accept me and also so that she would feel like she belonged with us. It was such a strange switch from her being sullen, to her then opening up and talking to me and telling me and telling me that her friend (the one who I referred to above) was telling her that she needed to stay in her room and leave me and my husband alone. I would tell her, no, this is your house too! You don't need to stay in your room. Well, by the next day, she would be back in a funk, and I would get scared again. As a matter of fact, right before my b-day she got upset with me, and on my b-day she acted nice to me but didn't even tell me happy b-day! Months later she asked my forgiveness and told me she had done it on purpose because she was upset that I had not asked her to do something and instead had asked my sister to help me.

Finally, I had my precious son via c-section. It was an emergency c-section, so my body was completely beat up from 9 months of nausea, discomfort, and inability to rest well and full blown labor. As a result I was unable to walk well or wake up in the middle of the night the first 2 weeks after I had my son. First my husband took the night shift, and then she did to give him a respite. I was appreciative, but then I started realizing that she was trying to take control of my son. She would not leave her room until 11 in the morning, even though she heard me up and about since 7 am, and she would lock the door so that I couldn't go in. You may ask why I just didn't go in there and get my son, and if it happened now that is exactly what I would do, but remember that I would be so scared of her and her sullen moods. She would get angry every time I went to get my baby. I was furious because she wasn't even nice to me when I was pregnant, but now that I had my son she wanted to take him and shut me out!

I finally told my husband that I would be handling night feedings and took over those duties (gladly), but then ensued this ridiculous competition of who would hold the baby more and what not. If she ever had my son, she would get mad if I tried to take him from her. What kind of nerve would I have of taking my own child?

What made matters worse was that my husband would, to make her feel included, ask her what the baby should wear, eat, everything. She felt even more and more in charge.

We had some good days dispersed throughout that period of time, and she was very helpful in taking care of my son when I worked (about 18 hours a week), but the stress and toll it took on me because of the bad times was more weighty than the good times.

Things finally came to a climax when my son was 4 months old. She was in the front yard mowing the lawn (she likes to do that) and my husband decided to go out and do it. He went out with our son meanwhile I got dressed to go outside, and he took the lawn mower while she took our son. I then went out, and not wanting to anger her, did not get my son even though I really wanted to. So instead I asked my husband what I would do to help him and he told me. I got to work on what he suggested I do, and within 5 minutes she stomped into the house and slammed the door. I told my husband after a couple of minutes, I think your mom is mad. So in he goes to try to find out what happened, and she tells him, why should I be out there? Your wife is there. So that is finally when my husband believed me and realized something was wrong. Withing 30 minutes of that, she walked out to help with the lawn work and acted as if nothing had happened! It was so confusing for me.

After that incident, she left to a friend's house for a while and did not return until the following year. Fast forward 3 years, and within that time she has helped us a lot with our son, and we compensate her for her time. However, I have also within that time bought her countless gifts for special occasions (even sometimes not getting something for my own mother just so that I can get her something), included her in our family portrait (which is hung prominently in our house) so that she feels she is a part of our family, encouraged her (when she is in a good mood) to be assertive and even practice with her telling me no to my requests so that she can feel I am a safe person to deal with, but it seems that I can never break through completely to her. I even cried with her and sang a song at the funeral of her friend who was hinting that I was faking my nausea, but it seems that once she is in her funk, all of that gets erased from her memory.

Just as an example, she always always sits in the back of the car when I am driving to sit with my son. However, if my husband is driving and I'm not there, she sits in the front with him. A couple of weeks ago I picked her up from somewhere alone, and she said she was going to sit in the back with her things. Never mind that the space was very cramped because the car seat took up so much space. Also, one day I had to go to work around noon, and she wouldn't leave her room, and I didn't want to disturb her (b/c she takes care of my son). So I finally knocked on her door and she said, oh, I didn't want to come out because you two (my son and I) were out here. Now, you know she would have come out if it was just my son, but it was my presence that she didn't want to be around.

Mind you, I have never told her I don't want her around, ever. And I have never tried to act like it is my house only. As a matter of fact, I didn't even paint the house till about 2 months ago (4 years after we got married) because I didn't want her to feel like she was being left out. I also never have asked my husband to not spend time with her (except for when I return from a trip and I want to catch up with him or something like that).

I'm at my wits ends because I can't figure out how to please her, and I think that no matter what I do I won't be able to. I am pretty sure she is a passive agressive person, and it is very difficult to deal with her. Is there any chance any of you have an idea on how to deal with this? I don't want to give up hope completely, but I'm getting to the point where I don't have time for what I consider to be this nonsense.

Sorry for the long post, but thanks for your advice ahead of time.
Title: Re: My Story with my MIL
Post by: luise.volta on February 19, 2010, 08:52:35 PM
Welcome! My first take on this is that your MIL may have a lot of unaddressed and/or unconscious insecurity. I don't think there is anything you can do about that but it might help to know that she has something pretty disabling going on.

I also don't see how you can all live together. You may need to make other babysitting arrangements so your son doesn't absorb her anxiety and buy into her belief system and her points of view. She probably needs to find her own place, so your little family can thrive. I know there are those who won't agree with that. We are 200  strong and have many varying perceptions. I just don't think your whole married life should be about having to live in close proximity to someone who is constantly putting you at the effect of whatever it is that is going on with her.
Title: Re: My Story with my MIL
Post by: isitme? on February 19, 2010, 09:24:14 PM
Hi Carmexx,

I'm sorry to hear of your problems.  As another DIL on this webpage, I can say the ladies here will probably have some good advice for you.  From trying to figure out my own IL issues, I have learned a lot - including many things from the ladies here!  One of the things I have learned is that relationships go two ways. It sounds like you have tried really really hard to invite your MIL into your life.  I bet a lot of the MILs here would LOVE to have you as their DIL.  Unfortunately, it seems like your MIL is not willing to claim any responsibility for her side of the relationship.  Yes, it sounds like she might be passive aggressive.  She may also have other emotional issues going on as well. 

It's helpful sometimes to step back and try to look at an individual's behavior as a whole in a detached way.  I think what makes it hardest in these close family relationships is that there's so much emotion involved, it's sometimes hard to see straight on either end.  But if you able to take a more objective look at your MIL and her life, maybe you will understand a little more about where she is coming from:  is her erratic and rude behavior a general thing or just directed at you?  What else is going on in her life?  Was she always like this or has something changed recently?  Once I started asking those kinds of questions about my FMIL, instead of spending time thinking about how hurt I was by her actions, I was able to detach a little bit and it changed the way I react to her.  In the end, I think that is what is going to make it possible to preserve any kind of relationship.  I've also realized that my FMIL seriously needs some professional help for her depression - I don't know about your MIL but it can be frustrating when you see how unhappy someone is, but her family will "contain" her rather then get her REAL help because it is easier then facing a confrontation.  As the perceived "outsider", it's a delicate situation to broach and sometimes you have to leave it up to your husband and FIL etc.

One of the saddest, but most helpful things I've learned lately is that you usually can't get people like this to change.  But what we can change is how we react to them.  I think you need to stop trying to get close to her.  It sounds like your husband is supportive of you and understands his mother's behavior.  If not, then that's something you need to deal with. 

It sounds to me like she really doesn't respect you, and is jealous of the attention your son pays to you.  She may perceive it as attention that SHE has lost, which is a shame because that kind of thinking is what destroys potentially good relationships.  It's sad because she's lucky to have a DIL who tries to be considerate of her feelings.  Your husband is lucky to have a wife who tries to respect his mother.  Unfortunately, it seems your MIL isn't able to recognize those things and fulfil her end of the relationship.  You can try to think more about her behavior, and if it seems there's really something wrong, maybe try to nudge your husband to encourage her to get help (that's going to be my strategy).  Good luck!  I think it's a good idea to try and figure out things like this because it will help you negotiate some kind of working relationship (for your husband's sake if nothing else) in the future.  You shouldn't feel scared of her - but that's something you have to work on yourself..
Title: Re: My Story with my MIL
Post by: Carmexx on February 19, 2010, 09:37:02 PM
Thanks so much to the two of you for your words of wisdom and support.

What I'm hearing is that there is not much I really can do to make this work well, and my husband has reached the same conclusion. He wants us to put our son in preschool so that we are not dependent on his mom. I have been ambivalent about this because I don't want her to feel sad that she no longer cares for her grandchild, but I also think it will be better for all of us. My son recently started acting strange (kind of sad) and I think it has to do with the mood she is in. Once she got out of her funk, he stopped acting like that. So I do agree that this will be better for him.

Do you think I should confront her when she does something that is rude? Like when she said she had not come out of her room because we were there, should I have called her out on that? Or should I just let it go?

Isitme, thanks for encouraging me to not be scared. I'm thankful to say that I am past that, because the first 2 years were horrible with that fear.
Title: Re: My Story with my MIL
Post by: luise.volta on February 19, 2010, 09:54:03 PM
No, my thought is that it would be declaring war to confront her. She is how she is and she obviously doesn't see herself as you do. Nothing would be gained by that and it might make things a lot worse. I would just present a united front in saying that it is time for your son to go to the next level in his growth and socialization, which is probably true! When that is done, I would then let her know that the three of you need your own space. That's also the next level in your marriage. I wouldn't blame her for anything but I wouldn't back down no matter what her reaction is.
Title: Re: My Story with my MIL
Post by: isitme? on February 19, 2010, 09:58:08 PM
Hmm, IMO it might be best to NOT directly confront her.  Especially since you live with her currently (I agree with Luise - if you can change this situation, it might be for the best).  I think you need to learn to be firm with her without having it escalate into an emotionally driven battle.  This is a tough thing to do.  There are some good books out there about emotional blackmail and dealing with difficult personalities (emotional vampires etc. )... they can help provide more insight into what is going on with your MIL and help you figure out strategies for dealing with her.  Like I said, the ladies here are always willing to pitch in with their two cents and that also help a great deal.  I think as much as we might now have to try and emotionally detach from our MILs, it is still hard to get over the disappointment that we might never have a good relationship with her.  So hearing some advice from the MILs here can be especially helpful I think - because they kind of step in as surrogates and provide the care we wish we could get from our own MILs..  For that reason, among many others, that's why I think it's nice for DIls to be able to check in with this site, instead of spending time on DIL support groups - they can be helpful too, but the tone is very different, and sometimes it is nice to feel like you have both the perspective and support of the "other" side!
Title: Re: My Story with my MIL
Post by: cocobars on February 20, 2010, 05:37:33 AM
Hi Carmexx!  I'm extending a very heartfelt welcome to this site!  Your story is heartbreaking.

First, I'm assuming because of your age, you MIL is not elderly so her behavior cannot stem from the effect of dimentia, however I had a previous neighbor who's wife had alzheimers in her forties.  My parents are elderly and I can tell you that this type of behavior is typical of that disease.  It's also typical of many other psychological problems, that because I'm not a doctor, wont get into here.  I'm not saying that is her problem, your problem may just be that you are living too closely!  This can make her appear to be worse than she may actually be.

My own MIL was a beauty, so it's hard when I read things like this from DIL's on this site.  Some of you are exactly like us here and are so loving and understanding.  You want that healthy relationship with your MIL that we all want here, and I can see that. Unfortunately, it may not be possible to have while your MIL is still living under your roof.  I have to agree with Luise.  There are some underlying problems going on and I don't believe they will be resolved while she is living there. She is taking over your life as wife and mother of your household (I hope I don't get in trouble for saying that).  You are your husband's partner for life, and although I believe there are some area's where you should respect her wanting to be part of your lives, I can see no areas where you're not letting that happen.  You may be letting that happen to a fault.

Do you think you could pull your husband out for a "family meeting" without her knowing?  I do that now, as I'm living with my elderly parents, and don't want them hurt by what is being discussed.  My car has become the family meeting office!  LOL! 

I think it's very wise of you to come here and discuss this.  You may get some very good ideas that will be helpful in handling this situation in a tactful way.

Then discuss your feelings with your husband, just stating what you have here.  I believe (since he has noticed it himself) you may be able to put your heads together and help make some plans in a positive way.  If she is living with you because she can't afford to live on her own, then you could encourage her to go through social security and find subsidised housing - so she has her own place.  A good way (I believe) to counteract a bad response to this suggestion from her, is to let her know you still want her to be part of your lives and would like her to still be involved in babysitting her GC.

Anyway, we will try to put our heads together and think of more options here for you.  You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and have made this dilema clear in your post.  We are not all like that, just as DIL's are not, but I hope by coming here you will be able to come up with many different views of this situation, and options on ways of handling this.

It's hard to live with IL's that we love, but to be made to feel this way is really something that shouldn't be invited into your home - to stay. There must be a way of letting her have her own place, so that you and your husband can go on with your lives.  Hopefully with her in a better place in your own heart.

Keep loving your family.  Keep checking your post and post here as often as you may need to.  We're here for you, and we will put on our thinking caps!   ;D

God bless you and hang in there!
Title: Re: My Story with my MIL
Post by: cocobars on February 20, 2010, 05:42:22 AM
P.S.- Isitme gave you some wonderful advice.  It would be easier to do if you were not living in the same house.  I believe if you can find separate living conditions, you would have enough room to breathe to be able to see her in a new light, and start working on the relationship you need to be having with her.  She may not be as bad as she seems, but when you are living so closely your views aren't always going to be good ones.

Maybe this would be a good starting place for your talks (if you decide to have them).  Just don't give up hope!  I believe we can support you through this and help give you back that light at the end of the tunnel, but we are willing to help you think things out here and try to help you find solutions that benefit you and your MIL!  That's the ultimate goal. :)
Title: Re: My Story with my MIL
Post by: cocobars on February 20, 2010, 05:54:57 AM
Quote from: Carmexx on February 19, 2010, 09:37:02 PM
Once she got out of her funk, he stopped acting like that. So I do agree that this will be better for him.

Do you think I should confront her when she does something that is rude? Like when she said she had not come out of her room because we were there, should I have called her out on that? Or should I just let it go?

Isitme, thanks for encouraging me to not be scared. I'm thankful to say that I am past that, because the first 2 years were horrible with that fear.
I would try little baby steps with her.  If you take your son completely away from her care, this could make her feel unloved and un-needed (which may be part of her problem).  I believe the preschool idea is a sold one, and he will learn some social skills that will be helpful when he reaches kindergarten age.  This will give her a break from his care and she can still watch him after that for you, which will let her know she is still valued and needed.

Personally, I wouldn't confront her.  Your husband is her son and should be the one to talk to her about her behavior.  If he can do that, you may even get some understanding from her about what she is thinking.  I agree with Isitme here too - you shouldn't be afraid of her.  Hence, the separate living quarters.  She may just be living in too close proximity and "breathing room" would create a better atmosphere and a foundation to start understanding eachother.  I'm hoping you find she is not as bad as she looks - up close.  Sometimes I believe we need a little distance, even with family to find that place of understanding.

I'm sorry I keep going on and on.  I was taken by your post and just keep thinking.  I hope everyone here gives you lots to think about and consider. :)
Title: Re: My Story with my MIL
Post by: Carmexx on February 20, 2010, 07:21:16 AM
How I wish I had found this site 4 years ago! At that time I thought it was my fault and didn't think of even looking for help online until later.

Thanks for your advice, isitme and Louise. What I had in mind about confronting her is saying something like, "Oh, I see that you ride in the front of the car every time you're with your son but you always go in the back when I'm driving" just to let her know that I've noticed and it's bothered me. I definitely don't want to stir trouble, though.

Coco, you are so sweet to spend time pondering my situation. I appreciate your advice and kind words. I feel like they are a balm for that hurt I feel in my heart whenever I remember this.

I also agree that we like each other more when we don't see each other too much. This past summer I was off of work (I'm a college professor) on vacations for almost 2 months, and it was so great to see her. I think she was happy to see me too. And I know she has so many good qualities, but you're right -it's hard to focus on the good things when you're so close to the situation and the negativity. She has done lots and lots of good things for us, but she ends up erasing the good will it creates when she turns around and does or says something so negative.

I do believe she is passive agressive, but I also see a generational difference and even cultural difference. Even though I grew up as a first generation American, daughter of South American immigrants, she grew up in a rural area of MX where the roles of genders are very delineated and any move away from those roles is shocking. I have my MA and am a college professor full time, so I don't pay the same level of attention to things around the house as she is used to. For some time, I thought she viewed me as plain lazy, but it is so unfair because I graduated with my BA by the time I was 20 and worked very hard to get my degrees. We're just different types of hard workers, and while I recognize that, I don't think she truly does even though sometimes she says she does.

But honestly, I don't feel even half the pain I used to feel in the past over what she thinks of me. As Louise mentioned in another post, what someone thinks of me is none of my business, and I just want some resolution now.

Thanks a million times for taking the time to respond to my posts. Many of you sound like great MILs and it hurts me to see what you're going through. I wish your DILs were able to appreciate you.
Title: Re: My Story with my MIL
Post by: cocobars on February 20, 2010, 07:29:37 AM
Thanks Carmexx!  I really think you are on the road to someplace special!  I'm happy you had those good times with her after the distance was in place, and it my hope you get those times back and keep them in a safe place in your heart!

And Luise is right!  What you think of me is none of my business!  LOL!  What you think of yourself is powerful!
Title: Re: My Story with my MIL
Post by: 2chickiebaby on February 20, 2010, 07:41:05 AM
I agree....I would be so embarrassed to have this out.  I wish it could be known that there is another side of the story....ours.

That's all I wish was out there.  There is another side of the story
Title: Re: My Story with my MIL
Post by: tillykilly on February 21, 2010, 04:14:47 AM
it is so interesting to read something of how dil feels and to me importantly just what some dil have to put up with from their mil....why is the mil living with you...does she resent her loss of independece for some reason and tries to hight light this by her over demonstrative actions ie staying in her room etc  it seems there is not enough real and truthful soul to soul discussions about the way your family and mil interact, boundaries, if any, emotional and practical support seems to be working for you, and maybe you would like to feel for mil also, but this does not seem to be actually cutting the mustard.  no matter what the perceived out come i think you and and your loving hubby should set out a time dinner date whatever to thrash it all out calmly and without reservation.  she is hurting and its spilling over to you and yours....deal with all the above issues openly honestly and even perhaps suggest she find, with all your support her own place..while she is still young and able, that maybe the kindest thing to do...if it is at all possible...god bless and keep trying for now x
Title: Re: My Story with my MIL
Post by: cocobars on February 21, 2010, 06:35:32 AM
Quote from: tillykilly on February 21, 2010, 04:14:47 AM
it is so interesting to read something of how dil feels and to me importantly just what some dil have to put up with from their mil....why is the mil living with you...does she resent her loss of independece for some reason and tries to hight light this by her over demonstrative actions ie staying in her room etc  it seems there is not enough real and truthful soul to soul discussions about the way your family and mil interact, boundaries, if any, emotional and practical support seems to be working for you, and maybe you would like to feel for mil also, but this does not seem to be actually cutting the mustard.  no matter what the perceived out come i think you and and your loving hubby should set out a time dinner date whatever to thrash it all out calmly and without reservation.  she is hurting and its spilling over to you and yours....deal with all the above issues openly honestly and even perhaps suggest she find, with all your support her own place..while she is still young and able, that maybe the kindest thing to do...if it is at all possible...god bless and keep trying for now x
I hadn't thought about the "loss of independance."  That may have something to do with it.
Title: Re: My Story with my MIL
Post by: Pen on February 21, 2010, 08:15:17 AM
Loss of independence - good point! Kind of a fine line between wanting to be included and involved and also wanting to have some control over one's life. No one wants to feel completely at the mercy of another. It must be harder for someone who's nature has been controlling than for an easy going person.


Title: Re: My Story with my MIL
Post by: Carmexx on February 21, 2010, 08:28:27 AM
Yes, this is true. I know her loss of independence has been very difficult for her.  I really do think that plays a big part combined perhaps with some sort of depression and learned helplessness. I know she had a tough past and I'm sure that contributes to her feeling and acting this way. I try to keep that in mind when she acts like this, but if only she would openly communicate then we could dicuss these things.

My husband has tried several times to talk to her and figure out what she is feeling, but she will never talk back and express what she feels, sometimes only doing so once it is all over. Or, she will call her oldest son and tell him, and he will then tell his wife (who happens to be my sister), and that is how I will find this stuff out. I wish she would be assertive and just tell me what she is feeling so that I could at least understand. Sometimes it is a big miscommunication that upsets her, and she simmers in anger not knowing that if she just brought it up we could clear the air and explain what really happened. Other times she is mad at someone else and we just don't know, so we can't try to understand her.

I do think us living separately would help. She goes off most weekends to be with a friend, and it is such a respite for us. I'm sure it is one for her as well.
Title: Re: My Story with my MIL
Post by: cocobars on February 21, 2010, 08:33:54 AM
Well, you never know.  Maybe her weekend friend will rent her a room there.  I wouldn't know how to go about suggesting that though.  Anyone have ideas?
Title: Re: My Story with my MIL
Post by: tillykilly on February 22, 2010, 04:18:37 PM
not sure penstamen if controlling is how this actually maybe for this mil but there must have been independence somewhere in her life...was the home originally the mil, interesting to know how and why mil is sharing and living...maybe usurped...i think since all these factors are based around the mil living with son and his wife, and not something i consider a good start for young marrieds and families, for all the obvious reasons and as above, i wonder why she actually is...what is the underlying reason, if we knew that perhaps they could all move forward, or out, as the case maybe.x
Title: Re: My Story with my MIL
Post by: Carmexx on February 23, 2010, 04:02:29 AM
Quote from: tillykilly on February 22, 2010, 04:18:37 PM
not sure penstamen if controlling is how this actually maybe for this mil but there must have been independence somewhere in her life...was the home originally the mil, interesting to know how and why mil is sharing and living...maybe usurped...i think since all these factors are based around the mil living with son and his wife, and not something i consider a good start for young marrieds and families, for all the obvious reasons and as above, i wonder why she actually is...what is the underlying reason, if we knew that perhaps they could all move forward, or out, as the case maybe.x

I think you hit the nail on the head. I doubt these same types of problems would have happened had we been living separately, so I would have known her differently. Unfortunately for all of us involved, she cannot move out completely right now. Like I said earlier, she leaves most weekends to be with her friend (or any time she doesn't care for our son), so if we put our son in child care, she will probably go stay with her friend. We can't put our son in child care yet because his pediatrician prefers we wait until flu season is over, but once we do put him in preschool, I'm sure she will go stay a while with her friend. I know she will be much happier there too.
Title: Re: My Story with my MIL
Post by: cocobars on February 23, 2010, 04:51:11 AM
Good for you Carmexx.  If you can be gentle with her feelings, it may all work out for you.  All of you.  It sounds like you are doing that and considering everyone involved, which is so hard sometimes to do in these situations.  You are including her, but giving her some freedom which may help change her moodiness.  If she won't talk about what she is feeling, it's almost impossible to guess where she is at, but giving her some distance may be just what she needs.  By putting your son in preschool, you are creating that open door for her to find what she needs, and you will be taking care of your family at the same time (not to mention everyone's sanity).   She may feel left out at first, so you may have to reassure her that this is a very important time in your sons life where he needs the social skills and other thing he will learn in preschool to prepare for those years ahead! 

God works in mysterious ways and this timing seems perfect!  Your son is ready for bigger things, and it seems she is feeling the pull of wanting "something more" and you may be creating that space for her (and him as well).  I'm not sure that is it, but it may be something good for everyone and something you may all look back on with fondness someday.  Hindsight is sometimes beautiful, because we don't always see things when we are going through them.  Everyone will have their lives taken care of and her direction will be her own!  I believe you are doing the right thing and being very careful!  You have alot to be proud of yourself for, even if you don't feel that now.  Someday I believe you will!

This could be good! ;D  Please keep us posted!  We like good news too, and compassionate people (like you) are welcome!

I hope you feel this big proud hug I'm sending you! ;D
Title: Re: My Story with my MIL
Post by: luise.volta on February 23, 2010, 12:51:51 PM
Progress!  ;D Congrats!  ;D
Title: Re: My Story with my MIL
Post by: Carmexx on February 26, 2010, 05:31:40 AM
Thanks for being happy for me, Luise, and thanks for your beautiful words and hug, Coco. It truly was heart warming.

I've got to claim a little victory -my MIL has been in a great mood these last couple of days, and I have to celebrate any time I get the chance. She seems happier in general.

I know this is a cycle that comes and goes, so I no longer think the tide has turned and now everything is going to be honky dory everytime she starts acting happy, but I know I need to enjoy every time it does happen. I took advantage of her good mood and asked her is she wanted to go out to lunch with me. She declined, but it was in a nice way.
Title: Re: My Story with my MIL
Post by: cocobars on February 26, 2010, 05:40:43 AM
What's wrong with believing it will last?  Dreams really do come true, isn't that right Luise? 

That's such good news, Carmexx!  I'm crossing my fingers, keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, and giggling!  This could be good! ;D

Keep your hopes up, always...
Title: Re: My Story with my MIL
Post by: Carmexx on February 26, 2010, 05:56:57 AM
I know I sound pessimistic, Coco, but the truth is that I think she is battling with depression, and it is not really something she can control because she doesn't want to acknowledge that is what it is. I've seen this cycle happen so many times. I used to always get my hopes really high and try to have a close relationship with her, only to get my dreams dashed a couple of days later. Then I would cry and wonder what had gone wrong.

So I finally saw the pattern, and now I know how to be happy but not super excited so that I don't get hurt again. I just enjoy it when it happens.
Title: Re: My Story with my MIL
Post by: cocobars on February 26, 2010, 06:15:59 AM
I'm sorry Carmexx!  There is not alot you can do about other people's patterns.  I agree.  All you can do is be your own loving self.  Cry if you must and cry hard!  Then ask yourself if you really deserved that.  You didn't most of the time.  I'm only saying "most" because sometimes I did.  But that's me.  LOL!
Title: Re: My Story with my MIL
Post by: luise.volta on February 26, 2010, 06:46:47 AM
One thing that watching her moods come and go offers you is the obvious knowledge that it isn't you. You're fine! That's often a great survival tool. And another is knowing what monsters must reside under her bed; what a horrible roller-coaster they evoke. That doesn't excuse her behavior and the carnage she leaves in her path but it sure isn't the way any of us would like to live. She can't like it either, not really. How lovely that you extended that invitation. Her loss. I'll be there (in spirit!) Just tell me where and when!!  :D  ;D
Title: Re: My Story with my MIL
Post by: cocobars on February 26, 2010, 08:50:30 AM
Absolutely agreed!  You did nothing wrong!  From all you have said, I believe you are doing everything right that you can!

Keep that head up, and take care of you!  Enjoy the moments for now that are happy!  I still believe more will come...
Title: Re: My Story with my MIL
Post by: cocobars on February 27, 2010, 02:30:41 PM
I went back through and read this again today, Carmexx.  I just want you to know that you are really a special person as a DIL and we need more of "you!"

I'm looking forward to more of your posts!  You have added a very warm intelligence here, at least for me.  I wish you the best in your situation with your MIL, and hope all works out for you.
Title: Re: My Story with my MIL
Post by: luise.volta on February 27, 2010, 02:44:43 PM
I agree!  :D
Title: Re: My Story with my MIL
Post by: catchingup on March 01, 2010, 12:27:34 PM
I dont need help with my MIL because she is" pushing up daisies" Believe you me how I wish she was still here so that I can answer her back.
You see I am older and wiser.
I promise you no one could possibly have had a more interferring  MIL than me.

She was a sergeant major in the army in WW11 and when her husband came into the room the children had to get up and say "good evening sir"
I was brought up in a home where I ran to greet and welcome my Dad home with a hug and kiss.

When we were dating my MIL did not want us to even have friends of our own age.
We had to rap with the wrinkles on week-ends.

I came in on the scene when my FIL divorced her.Bad timing.Her insecurity made her cling to her sons.

Her sons were tied to her apron strings and she seperated my BIL and his girlfriend when
she questioned why she phoned him to come home while visiting her.
Scheming DIL that I was, I lay in wait for the day we would get married and have my say.
After keeping quiet for 4 years that proved not too easy to do.

When we moved into our flat,which she had by the way chosen,--yes you guessed right too close by--She came in and measured the windows for curtains she had chosen.
Never mind the rest --the story goes on and on.

In all this I was never rude to her.I just simply kept quiet then  took it out on my husband.

After 3 years of marriage we bought our first house.I had to tell my husband not to call her and tell her because I would not live in a house that she had chosen.
She was livered after hearing that we he had not included her in the decision.

My husband and I were pen-friends and I came from a city 1600 km away so had no moral support from my own family.

I chose my own curtains in the house. Everyone liked them. Ofcourse she didn't and would not like anything else I did. Amazingly somehow she manipulated my husband to such an extent that he would not help me in the garden or allow me to do anything in the garden. She would come to our house with a plant then tell my husband where to plant it and he would just do it.

I thought well to h--- with you and tackled a part of the garden myself.
The next time she came to our house she complimented my son on the work he had done in the garden. He told her It was my handiwork. She turned round and said "What good has she ever done"

I could go on and on about the times I was stopped from doing things in my own home unless my husband had her approval and I was too young and stupid to realize he only wanted to please my MIL.

My husband told me  he wanted to paint the outside of the house. The next week-end we visited his mother and I will never forget this incident because this was the turning point. She said to him"By the way about that paint,there is a paint shop  blah blah blah.
I was livered and expressed my anger to a friend and I will always be grateful for her sound advise.
She said "No it is not your MIL fault it is yours, ypu are allowing it"

I picked up the phone--it was a Monday and hubby was at work and I said
"We have been married for 6 years and this is the last time you will ever make a decision concerning my household. This house will be painted this time next year and I will choose the paint and the colour" Not you, not your son ,or anyone else.
When hubby arrived back from work I told him what I had done.
He looked at me with a shocked look  then said"now that is the best thing you have done in the ten 10 years I have known you."

She used to walk into my home as if it was open for inspection. Treated me like one of her recruits in the army. It took years for that penny to drop.
"All tidy now she would say"

Slowly but surely I pulled that carpet out from under her. I made sure the floor was left grubby so that when she came to visit on a Sunday and made a commet I would just say"
"Sunday is a day of rest it can wait till tomorrow"

Once we had a kids party at a restaurant and the kids were all sitting at a long table away from us making a noise kids make and she raised those evil eyebrows at me that I had become so accustomed to. It was to say get them quiet.
I went over to that table and said"Now altogether guys, Why are we waiting ,Why are we waiting." She was livered. See tables turned. Rotten DIL me. She created me.

To this day I still remember the horrible things she said when I did not answer back and how I wish I had because when I did as in the above incident I just smile.Rotter that I am

Title: Re: My Story with my MIL
Post by: 2chickiebaby on March 01, 2010, 01:12:48 PM
WOW...catching, that took courage.  I am such a wuss, I'd never be able to pull it off. 

For me, I am done with apologizing to anyone.  It makes me look weak and gets me nowhere with anyone.  Once a person spots weakness, they keep on. my apologizing only makes me look weak to them and also, they blame me for the original problem that I had nothing to do with ;)

I'm grateful to find this out
Title: Re: My Story with my MIL
Post by: luise.volta on March 01, 2010, 02:13:20 PM
How I see it is that you are not (were not) rotten and you know it. The one thing you had that so many of us don't is a husband who saw it clearly and was as sick of it as you were. I think that's often the missing link.

The other one that I can definitely relate to is confronting a bully. I am missing the gene.  :(
Title: Re: My Story with my MIL
Post by: Pen on March 01, 2010, 02:19:19 PM
Me, too...I'll turn myself inside out to avoid confrontation. I now I'm not a good debater, can never stay focused, get turned all around. CU, you did what you had to do since your DH couldn't. You were clear and firm. Good for you!
Title: Re: My Story with my MIL
Post by: cocobars on March 01, 2010, 04:34:38 PM
Quote from: catchingup on March 01, 2010, 12:27:34 PM
I dont need help with my MIL because she is" pushing up daisies" Believe you me how I wish she was still here so that I can answer her back.
You see I am older and wiser.
I promise you no one could possibly have had a more interferring  MIL than me.

She was a sergeant major in the army in WW11 and when her husband came into the room the children had to get up and say "good evening sir"
I was brought up in a home where I ran to greet and welcome my Dad home with a hug and kiss.

When we were dating my MIL did not want us to even have friends of our own age.
We had to rap with the wrinkles on week-ends.

I came in on the scene when my FIL divorced her.Bad timing.Her insecurity made her cling to her sons.

Her sons were tied to her apron strings and she seperated my BIL and his girlfriend when
she questioned why she phoned him to come home while visiting her.
Scheming DIL that I was, I lay in wait for the day we would get married and have my say.
After keeping quiet for 4 years that proved not too easy to do.

When we moved into our flat,which she had by the way chosen,--yes you guessed right too close by--She came in and measured the windows for curtains she had chosen.
Never mind the rest --the story goes on and on.

In all this I was never rude to her.I just simply kept quiet then  took it out on my husband.

After 3 years of marriage we bought our first house.I had to tell my husband not to call her and tell her because I would not live in a house that she had chosen.
She was livered after hearing that we he had not included her in the decision.

My husband and I were pen-friends and I came from a city 1600 km away so had no moral support from my own family.

I chose my own curtains in the house. Everyone liked them. Ofcourse she didn't and would not like anything else I did. Amazingly somehow she manipulated my husband to such an extent that he would not help me in the garden or allow me to do anything in the garden. She would come to our house with a plant then tell my husband where to plant it and he would just do it.

I thought well to h--- with you and tackled a part of the garden myself.
The next time she came to our house she complimented my son on the work he had done in the garden. He told her It was my handiwork. She turned round and said "What good has she ever done"

I could go on and on about the times I was stopped from doing things in my own home unless my husband had her approval and I was too young and stupid to realize he only wanted to please my MIL.

My husband told me  he wanted to paint the outside of the house. The next week-end we visited his mother and I will never forget this incident because this was the turning point. She said to him"By the way about that paint,there is a paint shop  blah blah blah.
I was livered and expressed my anger to a friend and I will always be grateful for her sound advise.
She said "No it is not your MIL fault it is yours, ypu are allowing it"

I picked up the phone--it was a Monday and hubby was at work and I said
"We have been married for 6 years and this is the last time you will ever make a decision concerning my household. This house will be painted this time next year and I will choose the paint and the colour" Not you, not your son ,or anyone else.
When hubby arrived back from work I told him what I had done.
He looked at me with a shocked look  then said"now that is the best thing you have done in the ten 10 years I have known you."

She used to walk into my home as if it was open for inspection. Treated me like one of her recruits in the army. It took years for that penny to drop.
"All tidy now she would say"

Slowly but surely I pulled that carpet out from under her. I made sure the floor was left grubby so that when she came to visit on a Sunday and made a commet I would just say"
"Sunday is a day of rest it can wait till tomorrow"

Once we had a kids party at a restaurant and the kids were all sitting at a long table away from us making a noise kids make and she raised those evil eyebrows at me that I had become so accustomed to. It was to say get them quiet.
I went over to that table and said"Now altogether guys, Why are we waiting ,Why are we waiting." She was livered. See tables turned. Rotten DIL me. She created me.

To this day I still remember the horrible things she said when I did not answer back and how I wish I had because when I did as in the above incident I just smile.Rotter that I am
Dear catchingup.

I believe you are a hero.  It's a good thing she's "pushing up daisies."  I believe her house would be purple by now if she wasn't, and I mean that in the warmest way! 

I always thought I was a strong person, but when an opportunity like that came up (and it did) I shrivled.  I might have been  livered, but I still couldn't say anything.  Most people take that as a sign of weakness, and I guess their right in a way.  When I hear stories like yours I realized how strong you have to be to stand up to a bully like that.

You are truly a hero.  I think your husband knows that! :)

I am going to be watching for you here! I enjoyed this story so much!  I hope you will keep coming here and writing... 
Title: Re: My Story with my MIL
Post by: renny97 on March 01, 2010, 05:53:43 PM
Wow. That IS a MIL-zilla! Phew. Almost hard to read.

Always easy to "say" what we'd do, but you held your head up high in a nightmare situation. You can know you had an honorary discharge.

I wish you and husband sweet blessings.
Title: Re: My Story with my MIL
Post by: Marilyn on March 01, 2010, 07:16:35 PM
Catchingup,that is the worse MIL story i have ever heard.I am so proud of you!!!!!
She had to be making your life just miserable.

And i bet she had a hard time adjusting,to not calling all the shots too!!!

I hope you do come back and post some more,maybe we can learn to have more courage.
Title: Re: My Story with my MIL
Post by: cremebrulee on March 02, 2010, 05:17:59 AM
personally, I think the woman is pushing your buttons on purpose...and she knows exactly what buttons to push.  Yes, she is your mil, however, that does not give her entitlement to treat you as she has been doing. 

when she insists on sitting in the back seat, let her do it, act as if it doesn't bother you...she wants to act like a smacked arse...let her do so, however, treat it as normal and give up the idea of trying to please her. 

The woman is manipulative and non caring about you or your feelings...

act as though nothing she does bothers you, and eventually, you will shrug off things that she does which are really little things, which makes her look like a fool....

don't care so much...it's your happiness that matters...and take over as the woman of the house...don't be afraid of her...she is a bully and bullies hate weakness....stand up to her...not in an angry way, just simply tell her like it is, and how it's going to be, and if she gets angry tough...she'll get over it...

foolish, foolish people...I swear....I have less and less tollerance for people like this...they refuse to see beyond themselves...they think they're feelings are all that matters....and to heck with anyone else's feelings.  I'm very very sorry your having to experience this, but your husband/bf is also going to have to work at this with y ou...and if he doesn't then, get him into counseling...as he must initiate boundaries and rules to his mother...

yanno, if men would stand up and be counted...instead of sticking they're heads in the sand, a whole lot of these messes could be resolved...a whole lot....

Hugs and sending my best
Creme

Title: Re: My Story with my MIL
Post by: renny97 on March 02, 2010, 09:37:33 AM
This thread got me to thinking, that the true "zillas", bullies, tyrants, that go to extremes, need to be "checked." Depending on how much one can tolerate abuse, is subject to each person. In other words, if left "unchecked" and no one speaks up--this can literally go on for years. It seems complicated, at first, because we don't want to unsurp our son's feelings. Later, almost when it too late, we realize, they should have responsibility in this, too--as C pointed out.

If there is gonna be a "fall-out," let it be. Better early, than wait til GC come along and used as pawns. Years can be wasted on denial. I felt that in my situation. It is time to give up sacrificing, and that includes one's self. As mothers, we some times forget we are people, too.

I think in the early stages, we feel like we HAVE to get along with son's g/f or DIL. Respect, is a 2-way street. Things/people change for good and bad. We have to go with it, as long as we don't allow others to attack.
If the civility is gone; that is usually the last straw.
Title: Re: My Story with my MIL
Post by: luise.volta on March 02, 2010, 10:03:08 AM
Sometime the only way to "check" is to check out. Whether the person on the receiving end of this madness is a MIL or DIL. We try too hard and we try too long. Giving up isn't an option...(we think.)

But you're right we are people, too. We were people before we got into these messes and we can be people again after we pass on them and get on with our lives. 
Title: Re: My Story with my MIL
Post by: catchingup on March 02, 2010, 11:31:56 AM
It took me a long time to check out where my MIL was concerned and because of the way she emotionally abused me I will not take the abuse my FDIL has decided to hand out. See post "I did not say this"
One can allow abuse for the husbands sake or sake of peace but  regret it later.
I will put myself before anyone else if I am abused and I sat my son down and told him I will not put up with abuse from your FIL's or future wife for your sake or the sake of peace.
Stamp it out where it starts,kill it and save my soul. :P

We become victims only if we allow it.
Title: Re: My Story with my MIL
Post by: cremebrulee on March 02, 2010, 11:34:56 AM
Quote from: renny97 on March 02, 2010, 09:37:33 AM
This thread got me to thinking, that the true "zillas", bullies, tyrants, that go to extremes, need to be "checked." Depending on how much one can tolerate abuse, is subject to each person. In other words, if left "unchecked" and no one speaks up--this can literally go on for years. It seems complicated, at first, because we don't want to unsurp our son's feelings. Later, almost when it too late, we realize, they should have responsibility in this, too--as C pointed out.

If there is gonna be a "fall-out," let it be. Better early, than wait til GC come along and used as pawns. Years can be wasted on denial. I felt that in my situation. It is time to give up sacrificing, and that includes one's self. As mothers, we some times forget we are people, too.

I think in the early stages, we feel like we HAVE to get along with son's g/f or DIL. Respect, is a 2-way street. Things/people change for good and bad. We have to go with it, as long as we don't allow others to attack.
If the civility is gone; that is usually the last straw.

Your right Renny...
If I knew 12 years ago, that this was happening...that she was bullying me on purpose, to push my buttons, I would have given her a huge what for verbally right in front of my son....

and I will never, ever put up with her bull again...she is a mean and non-caring woman....and as I said once before, if she treats me the way she does, what the heck kind of life is my son living, not to mention, what the heck is Wrong with him? 
I would love, love, love her to try to treat me again, as she has done in the past, or even talk to me once, like she has in the past......beleive me, she's be in for one heck of a shock...here I was, trying trying trying so hard to please her....to overlook how she treated me...let me tell you, if anyone had ever treated me, or talked to me, like she has just once, that would be it...and I should have certainly stuck to my own personal institution...
However, she wanted it like this, otherwise, she would have never chanced being so mean spirited...

never again!
Title: Re: My Story with my MIL
Post by: cremebrulee on March 02, 2010, 11:35:53 AM
Quote from: catchingup on March 02, 2010, 11:31:56 AM
It took me a long time to check out where my MIL was concerned and because of the way she emotionally abused me I will not take the abuse my FDIL has decided to hand out. See post "I did not say this"
One can allow abuse for the husbands sake or sake of peace but  regret it later.
I will put myself before anyone else if I am abused and I sat my son down and told him I will not put up with abuse from your FIL's or future wife for your sake or the sake of peace.
Stamp it out where it starts,kill it and save my soul. :P

We become victims only if we allow it.

Your absolutely right!!!!
Title: Re: My Story with my MIL
Post by: luise.volta on March 02, 2010, 11:46:21 AM
That's interesting about choosing to be victims; it can be a perception. Like, "This person has me, all is lost.".

When I fractured my tibia in Nov. and had to have two huge screws put in surgically, my first reaction was that I was grounded...beached...disabled (a victim of circumstances) and needed someone to take care of me. I thought I would have to place Val in our nursing facility. Then, I thought..."I'm not sick...I'm just sitting down" (in a wheelchair)...and from that perception I was able to leave being a victim and become accountable.
Title: Re: My Story with my MIL
Post by: renny97 on March 02, 2010, 12:20:04 PM
Sometimes, a person (sitting or handicapped), can be "taller" than a person that is standing. The person standing, can be far more handicapped by mental cruelty.

I used to think there was some type of "nobility" in taking DIL's abuse. Imagine that. I was thinking more of my son's happiness and peace, rather than my own. There is a foolish mother's nature, than does more harm than good. I have had to re-program. I also used to think son was young and had his decision-making "swayed." Now, "I have learned" that he is fully capable of knowing what his decisions are. I can admit, to some "enabling" there.

It is okay to be angry (for awhile). Again, I was about keeping the peace. Peace, seemed to come in fleeting moments. I hung onto those. It was just "switch and bait."

It is similar to the grieving process. Some stages, lasting longer than others. Now, I am kinda looking at the whole big picture and trying to decide what I am supposed to have learned. I have always believed things--whatever those be--happen for a reason. Is this a "protection" from more heartbreak?
Title: Re: My Story with my MIL
Post by: luise.volta on March 02, 2010, 12:29:54 PM
Well, it sure is true that "things happen." I think we sometimes supply the reason. (And I'm the rationalization queen of the Northwest!) There's probably good in everything, too, although I sometimes have trouble with that one. There certainly are lessons everywhere that we can choose to learn or ignore. For me, the ones I ignore come back to bite me.