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Problem Solving => Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters => Topic started by: lostmom on June 09, 2014, 09:13:15 PM

Title: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
Post by: lostmom on June 09, 2014, 09:13:15 PM
Mine is a little bit of a long story, but in order for anyone to be able to understand and hopefully give me answers I have to tell the whole story. I married a very abusive man back in the 80's.  Did not know at the time he was going to be abusive.  I had a 4 yr old son when I married and wound up having 2 daughters with him. Than toward the end of the marriage, I had an affair and had a set of twins. I lost custody of my 2 girls through the courts due to the affair. I kept my son and the twins as they were not children  of the  marriage.  Husband was very abusive to my 2 girls and I was fighting in court to regain custody of my 2 girls. It all got to be very stressful and the father of the twins agreed to take the twins and raise them as one of them was handicapped if I agreed to stay out of their lives. I had considered putting them up for adoption, but since the dad was willing to raise them, I thought that would be a better choice.  I fought for almost 7 years to regain custody of my daughters.  In the meantime, I met my current husband who is wonderful and we have been together for 28 years.  He was always kind and good to my girls when I had visits with them and raised my son as he were his own.  When I finally got custody of my girls back after going through hell and nightmares, my husband welcomed them. My oldest daughter and I have always had problems, but now she hates me, will not speak to me, has tried to put me in jail twice, not allowed to see my grandchildren and said she hopes I die!! My youngest daughter and I had a great relationship up until about 6 months ago when she started talking to my oldest daughter again and now is pulling away from and has become very distant and has stopped wanting to spend time with me. She argues with me all the time and it's just getting worse. My son who is 39 now - we always got along great until he was about 30 and it's been on and off with him. We go for long periods without talking than talk for awhile, than it all starts again with the not talking. Basically my oldest is the only that has said she hates me and I am insane, but my other daughter and son treat me like I nothing more often than not and they basically really want nothing to do with me...  It hurts very much and I don't know why this has happened. I made lots of mistakes when they were little I admit it, I was not a perfect parent and could not be there through the most important years for my daughters.  I was fighting to get them back and somewhat neglected my son while all the court battles were going on.  Someone please tell me what you think.  I know my oldest daughter could care less if I dropped dead and I feel as though my other daughter and son are boarderline on that thought.  I don't know what to do anymore as I have so much hurt and sadness that it is destroying me and I have to figure out how to move on and let it go. But I have to know why my daughter hates me so much and why my other 2 really don't care if they were to ever see me again.
There are a lot of other details, but if I tried to tell everything, I'd be writing a book. I will be happy to give more details if someone thinks they could help me if they knew more.
Title: Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
Post by: luise.volta on June 09, 2014, 09:25:53 PM
Welcome, LM. We as all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First, to read the four posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We are a monitored Website.

My take on your situation is that your adult children get to choose. You can't change them. I know that's harsh but that's been my experience. All I was able to do was to focus on my own life and the love there and not let others ruin it for me. You are married to a fine man. What a blessing.
Title: Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
Post by: lostmom on June 09, 2014, 09:33:30 PM
Thank you.  I did read the Read Me First, but due to medical problems, I don't take in things very good.  I don't always understand. Do I mis post or post something I should not have? I am blessed to have a wonderful husband, but a huge part of my heart is missing not having my children and grandchildren in my life...
Title: Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
Post by: luise.volta on June 09, 2014, 10:10:26 PM
We direct everyone to those posts when they join...not to worry.

You are stating a natural preference that I completely understand. Acceptance didn't come easy to me, either. What I found, and each us of us must find our own answers, was that I was lessening the quality of my life by not giving my full attention what I did have. The loss seemed like too much and the decisions made against unbearable. I thought I could find a way to fix it and to restore balance and mutual respect. That was my mission and it was never taken into consideration. Adjusting to the reality of that, gave me my life back. This was my experience. You will hear from others. My solution was to learn to have things be the way they were. I am 87 years old. A lot of water has 'gone under the bridge' for me. Sending hugs...
Title: Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
Post by: OptingOut on June 10, 2014, 08:08:23 AM
Have you ever asked your adult children why they hate you? I think that would be a good place to start.

I am very sorry that you are going through this. It must be heart wrenching.

My mother and I do not have a close relationship. She wants to be closer but I keep her at an arm's length to keep myself safe emotionally. She was abusive growing up and it continued into adulthood. My mother started to be kinder to me when she saw that I won't have her in my life if she is too negative. She wasn't invited to my wedding and I won't have her in my home.

No parents are perfect as parents are just people. Do you think that acknowledging your mistakes to your adult children might help? I know it helped me when my mother apologized to me for her behavior around my wedding.
Title: Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
Post by: lostmom on June 10, 2014, 10:20:57 AM
I have admitted my mistakes to my children, told them I wish I could turn the hands of time back and do it all over again.  I have told them I love them all very much and will always love them!!  I never ever abused my children. But sadly yes, they were subject to abuse from my X husband.  My oldest daughter puts her dad on the top of the world.  My young daughter and my son do not speak to him at all.   I have tried especially hard with my oldest daughter and she is the one that has said she wishes I was dead.. I have spoken to my children, and the two we don't hate you, we just hate what we had to through in our childhood.  My oldest says she hates me because I am POS and insane and her dad never touched  me........ and I cheated on her dad and I am the worst mother on earth.  Since you are distance from your mother, maybe you can relate to my daughter's feelings???  If your mom came to you and tried over and over and over, would you still shun her.  I am sorry that you don't have your mom in your life as I know it must bother you somewhat and I am very sorry you were subject to abuse!  It does leave a lifetime impact on you... 
Title: Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
Post by: Lillycache on June 10, 2014, 10:45:16 AM
Quote from: lostmom on June 10, 2014, 10:20:57 AM
I have admitted my mistakes to my children, told them I wish I could turn the hands of time back and do it all over again.  I have told them I love them all very much and will always love them!!  I never ever abused my children. But sadly yes, they were subject to abuse from my X husband.  My oldest daughter puts her dad on the top of the world.  My young daughter and my son do not speak to him at all.   I have tried especially hard with my oldest daughter and she is the one that has said she wishes I was dead.. I have spoken to my children, and the two we don't hate you, we just hate what we had to through in our childhood.  My oldest says she hates me because I am POS and insane and her dad never touched  me........ and I cheated on her dad and I am the worst mother on earth.  Since you are distance from your mother, maybe you can relate to my daughter's feelings???  If your mom came to you and tried over and over and over, would you still shun her.  I am sorry that you don't have your mom in your life as I know it must bother you somewhat and I am very sorry you were subject to abuse!  It does leave a lifetime impact on you...


I'm so sorry you are going through this Lostmom.  I'm going to put my two cents in as a person that came from an emotionally abusive upbringing.   For so many years I blamed my parents for everything that was wrong in my world.  I blamed them for my emotional responses and for how I viewed the world, and yes for everything wrong in my adult relationships.  As I grew older and more mature, I began to realize the I was the one in control of my reactions and my emotions, and that it was time to stop blaming someone else for my problems.  When you get older you realize this.  Everything wrong in my life was because or ME... not my mother, not my father.   It was a relief to let go of the anger and the finger pointing.. and as an adult, I knew I needed to work on ME.. and not hide behind a cop out.   I tell that to my grown sons when they start the blame game.   I have told them its time for them to grow the heck up and take responsibility for their actions and feelings.  And they are starting to see that now that they are both in their 40's.    I don't know how old your kids are, but I am sure in time they will realize what they are doing.   I know it's hurtful, but I think in time they will understand that a parent can only influence us so much, the rest is up to us.  Then again some never learn, as it's much easier to place the blame on others rather than ourselves.  I don't know if this helps you..  I'm sure you were a great mom.  They are just viewing things through immature eyes. Be patient and they will realize it sooner or later.   There is not much you can do until then.
Title: Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
Post by: OptingOut on June 10, 2014, 04:31:20 PM
Quote from: lostmom on June 10, 2014, 10:20:57 AM
I have admitted my mistakes to my children, told them I wish I could turn the hands of time back and do it all over again.  I have told them I love them all very much and will always love them!!  I never ever abused my children. But sadly yes, they were subject to abuse from my X husband.  My oldest daughter puts her dad on the top of the world.  My young daughter and my son do not speak to him at all.   I have tried especially hard with my oldest daughter and she is the one that has said she wishes I was dead.. I have spoken to my children, and the two we don't hate you, we just hate what we had to through in our childhood.  My oldest says she hates me because I am POS and insane and her dad never touched  me........ and I cheated on her dad and I am the worst mother on earth.  Since you are distance from your mother, maybe you can relate to my daughter's feelings???  If your mom came to you and tried over and over and over, would you still shun her.  I am sorry that you don't have your mom in your life as I know it must bother you somewhat and I am very sorry you were subject to abuse!  It does leave a lifetime impact on you...

It used to bother me so much that I looked for mother figures. Unfortunately, I attracted older women with issues of their own who were just as critical as La Maman was. Mothering can come from anyone. When I am loved and accepted by my husband, as well as nurtured when I need it, he is mothering me. When I play with my nieces and look after them, I am mothering those precious girls. Not having a good mother in my life was certainly a loss but I have grieved it now. She wants to be best friends now because she feels guilty, but I feel the need to protect myself. I visit and speak to my mother, but I will never have her in my home as she is too rude and disruptive. I also refrain from sharing anything too private with her as she loves to gossip about me.

It was very good of you to acknowledge your mistakes as a parent. Many parents don't know how to do this at all. I could see why your children would be angry that you cheated as it led to difficulties for them. Another possibility is parental alienation. Sometimes when there is a divorce, one parent manipulates the children to turn against the other one. I believe that your children have been fed a steady diet of hateful things about you by their father. When my father's affair came to light, my mother poisoned her children's minds against my father. I still love my father because he was so kind to me growing up and he still is. I also have sympathy for him as my mother was a screeching harridan who treated my father very badly. Any other man would have left my mother.

Title: Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
Post by: lostmom on June 10, 2014, 07:00:49 PM
I can agree with you on your post on most things.  I will say that I stay married faithfully to their very abusive father for 7 years.  We were living in separate residences when I had an affair though. Yes, I am sure it did hurt my children, don't try to deny that. My children were subject to abuse from my x husband, I was put in the hospital twice from him and in desperation I turned to another man..  VERY MUCH WRONG.  Should have never done that. My kids are now 31, 34 and 39. And actually my 31 yr old and had no problems at all until just the past couple of months when she started talking to my 34 year after 5 years of not speaking to her.  I say they hate me, but in reality my 34 is the only one that truly hates me.  My 39 year son is more angry and distance as I allowed the abuse.  I did not leave the marriage as I should have right away.  I was young and scared and did try to leave a few times and he would literally hunt me down and hurt one of the children until I came home.  Yes, they have a screwed up childhood and I should have been stronger and they have all been told this.  I don't lie to them, pretend I was innocent and accept blame when I should. But I have basically lost all my children and I don't know what else to do to get them to forgive and move forward.  I am not rude to them,  I don't gossip, and I don't do anything disruptive to them. I think I have done all I can and they are just never going to forgive me!!  And yes, the X poisoned their minds terribly!!    But I am still the bad guy.  I guess I have to accept this and find happiness without them which is going to be very very hard.  But I am out of options.  I tried with my 34 for several years with no success.  My 39 year old and I talk every so often and now my 31 that I was very close with is closing the door to me.
Title: Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
Post by: jdtm on June 11, 2014, 05:27:29 AM
QuoteI don't know what else to do to get them to forgive and move forward.

lostmom - I am so sorry.  IMHO - "what else to do to get them to forgive" - nothing.  It is their call.  And what to to to "move forward" - everything.  It is your call.  Funny, after our elder son left our lives, when my husband and I moved forward, he returned.  I think it might have had something to do with allowing him to reconcile with things and allowing him to do this on his own terms.  We left the door open but backed way off.  Things still are not great, but at least, he and his family are in our lives (and getting better).  Really, all we have is one life - ours.  Ours to live as best we can.  I wish I had an answer or a fix (like you I tried them all), but I don't.  So sorry ....
Title: Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
Post by: Lillycache on June 11, 2014, 07:41:24 AM
Lostmom... I am writing this as a daughter that held her mother responsible for staying with an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive father.   I blamed my mother for being weak, for not protecting me, for allowing me to grow up in constant turmoil and fear.   It pains me so so so very deeply, that I was not always the best daughter to my mother after I had grown and married.  In fact, I was darn right nasty to her many times and I am sure caused her horrible pain and sadness.  I was her ownly daughter... and I was a beast.  All I could think about was myself and what I was feeling.   I had little regard for her or what she went though.

As I got older and mom had passed, I started to re-examine the past and peel the onion back on a very complex situation. I began to see HER side.. and HER upbringing, and HER situation.  I started to have compassion for her and what she had gone through and her reasons for being as she was.  All too late I may add.   Lostmom.. I actually feel sorry for your daughter.  Right now all she feels is her own pain.   But trust me... in the future, as maturity and hindsight take hold, she will feel horrible guilt and sadness for her behavior.   I can tell you.... there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of my mom and wish I had behaved differently... especially at the end when she was so ill.   If there is one thing in my life that still can bring me to my knees in tears.... it's that.    I know there is little comfort for YOU in this post, but it is my hope for you that your own daughter comes to her senses while she still has you as her mom... because it's gutwretching to not be able to make things better or ask forgiveness.     
Title: Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
Post by: luise.volta on June 11, 2014, 10:16:44 AM
In rereading this thread from the beginning...it seems to me that we have come up against something we have seen before. The circumstances change but the dynamics don't. Once our children reach adulthood, our job is done. Adulthood doesn't mean they are mature...but it does mean that they get to 'figure it out' for themselves. They get to make their own rules and learn from the consequences...or not. We did out best. Our job is done.

Where we can get stuck is in our expectations. They are ours. No one is responsible for fulfilling them. We can get stuck in our very reasonable hopes and dreams that our 'kids' will remain in our lives and so will our grands and that we will all get past anything that might threaten that...real or imagined.

Adult children can get stuck and that can be part of their path for a while. Finding someone to blame can be very appealing. Learning and growing into maturity can be bypassed and their behavior can be someone elses's fault. It is possible to live life out in that skewed reality.

We have a new job after we acknowledge the grief and pain. For most of us, that's a necessary step and it is often done here. Some of us get angry, many of us think we can fix it. That was our job when they were little. But...again, that job is done. To survive, we have to move through the injustice, lack of forgiveness and sometimes the blatant rewriting of history. Our greatest danger after getting our hearts broken is getting stuck, ourselves...in self-pity. It can rob us of the rest of our lives.

We don't have to like it...and that's good since we never will...but the rest of our lives doesn't have to be adult-child/grands dependent. It's a preference, a wish, a hope, a dream but it is not guaranteed. We can move on through our own continued learning and growing, turn toward the positive in our lives and create more of it. That choice is ours and we're worth saving.
Title: Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
Post by: lostmom on June 11, 2014, 10:25:04 AM
OMG, I am in tears from your post.  God Bless you and know that you mom is and always will be watching over you.  Even if you say you were a beast to you her, take it from me,  she still loved you with all her heart.  I can understand how you would have blamed your mom as I understand why children blame me.  I was weak - just as your mom.  Thankfully, hopefully, you have never been in a abusive relationship.  Some people think "just walk away from the abuser".  It's not that easy.  I know- I tried. Thank you for honest post.  I do know my children blame me for staying and hope with all my heart that one day while I am still alive, they can peel back the layers as you said.  My oldest is 35 and has only gotten worse with me.  I sadly think I will leave this world with no relationship with her.  It saddens me beyond words!  I miss her and my 3 beautiful grandchildren.  But as she said, she can't wait for me to drop dead so she can spit on my grave and hang a banner airing my dirty laundry!!!   I lost my mom in 2009 and I miss her terribly so I know how you feel.  Your mom knows you think of her everyday and loves you more than words can say.  Talk to her and tell her.  She hears you!    God Bless you
Title: Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
Post by: lostmom on June 11, 2014, 10:31:22 AM


Lostmom... I am writing this as a daughter that held her mother responsible for staying with an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive father.   I blamed my mother for being weak, for not protecting me, for allowing me to grow up in constant turmoil and fear.   It pains me so so so very deeply, that I was not always the best daughter to my mother after I had grown and married.  In fact, I was darn right nasty to her many times and I am sure caused her horrible pain and sadness.  I was her ownly daughter... and I was a beast.  All I could think about was myself and what I was feeling.   I had little regard for her or what she went though.

As I got older and mom had passed, I started to re-examine the past and peel the onion back on a very complex situation. I began to see HER side.. and HER upbringing, and HER situation.  I started to have compassion for her and what she had gone through and her reasons for being as she was.  All too late I may add.   Lostmom.. I actually feel sorry for your daughter.  Right now all she feels is her own pain.   But trust me... in the future, as maturity and hindsight take hold, she will feel horrible guilt and sadness for her behavior.   I can tell you.... there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of my mom and wish I had behaved differently... especially at the end when she was so ill.   If there is one thing in my life that still can bring me to my knees in tears.... it's that.    I know there is little comfort for YOU in this post, but it is my hope for you that your own daughter comes to her senses while she still has you as her mom... because it's gutwretching to not be able to make things better or ask forgiveness.     

MY RESPONSE TO YOU.  I WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU KNEW THIS WAS IN RESPONSE TO YOU AS IT DID NOT SEEM LIKE MY FIRST REPLY WAS DIRECTLY TO YOU!!!


OMG, I am in tears from your post.  God Bless you and know that you mom is and always will be watching over you.  Even if you say you were a beast to you her, take it from me,  she still loved you with all her heart.  I can understand how you would have blamed your mom as I understand why children blame me.  I was weak - just as your mom.  Thankfully, hopefully, you have never been in a abusive relationship.  Some people think "just walk away from the abuser".  It's not that easy.  I know- I tried. Thank you for honest post.  I do know my children blame me for staying and hope with all my heart that one day while I am still alive, they can peel back the layers as you said.  My oldest is 35 and has only gotten worse with me.  I sadly think I will leave this world with no relationship with her.  It saddens me beyond words!  I miss her and my 3 beautiful grandchildren.  But as she said, she can't wait for me to drop dead so she can spit on my grave and hang a banner airing my dirty laundry!!!   I lost my mom in 2009 and I miss her terribly so I know how you feel.  Your mom knows you think of her everyday and loves you more than words can say.  Talk to her and tell her.  She hears you!    God Bless you
Title: Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
Post by: Lillycache on June 11, 2014, 10:41:14 AM
Yes Lostmom... I knew your reply was to me.  And thank YOU for your words.  This is a place where we grow and help one another.   It pains me when I read stories like yours because I can feel the hurt in your words.. and know in my heart that I was guilty of causing such hurt to my own mother.   I wanted you to know that in the end your daughter will live to regret what she has done and said to you.   I talk to my mother every day now... I have asked for her forgiveness...  you are right.. I know she hears me and is at peace.
Title: Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
Post by: lokin4answer on June 14, 2014, 04:53:32 AM
Hello LM:  I am rather new to this site also, and when I discovered this site, I felt like someone or something guided me here.  I have found insight and comfort in the responses to my posts, and surprised to see I am not the only one going through this.  Take the time to explore all the posts, and trust me, you will build some inner strength to make decisions that are best for YOU.

I have three AC all in their 30's and for the past 14 months I have been shunned, called names, and reeled in and cast back out leaving me confused and hopeless.  But as I make amends with myself, I feel stronger and better able to handle life.  This past Wednesday, as I was minutes from work, my oldest DD called me out of desperation asking if I could watch her youngest son, as he woke up sick, because she doesn't have anymore time to use at her workplace.  I turned around, drove an extra half hour and spent the day with my DGS.  When my daughter got home from work, I decided to brooch the subject of her father's manipulation of garnering my AC attentions during our divorce.  I briefly stated that the divorce was between him and I, and he should not involve them in this process.  Her face turned to stone and she stated, very bluntly I might add, that she and her siblings are adults and they form their own opinions.  She also stated she can't do this alone, meaning raising her family, as her husband seems to be doing his own thing most of the time and she unfortunately needs to call on extra help, meaning me.    Well, talk about road blocks, I knew if I pursued this conversation, it was going to only get worse and accomplish nothing but more hard feelings.  So, I simply told her that I loved her, and am here for her and will do what I can, when I can for her.  I gave her a hug before I left and she thanked me.

I know she is hurting inside and needs time to sort through her feelings, but I also know her hurt is not all about me and my decisions to leave her father.  She has a lot of anger and emotions to work through, and I pray she finds the strength to discover herself sooner than later.  I even asked her is she would be willing to go to a counselor with me, and she responded by saying, "not now".  Later that day, I called her to tell her about something I saw in someone's flower garden and thought she would be able to implement into her own gardens.  She seemed very receptive to this call and I felt good after hanging up. 

Another big event that happened this week was my 2DD has another baby boy, that makes three boys, all under age of 6 years old.  Her husband told me it was okay to come for a visit at the hospital, which I did.  I spent 2.5 hours with her and the little bundle, when her father comes in, bearing flowers and a gift for her.  He was furious when he saw me their and stormed in telling my daughter he loved her and would be back later.  I told him to stay, that I was leaving, and put the baby down and flew out the door.  My DD had tears in her eyes, and I could feel the anguish flowing from her.  Her she is, not even 24 hours out from having a huge baby, physically hurting and very tired, hormones surging through her body and he adds more stress.  It's always been about "him".  So again, I have decided to "be there" for my AC, not talk or mention their father, and hopefully they will sort through all this hurt and anger, and want a relationship with me.  BUT, I will not be at their beckon call anymore....and this has been a big wake up call to them...I was their puppet for years.

I also sent my DS a letter stating I missed him, sharing some of my concerns about his well being and the farm and told him I loved him. 

You can only do so much.  You can't force anyone to do or feel something, just because you want them to.  Time heals, but time also gives you perspective.  Look for something to do for you.  Make small, attainable goals for yourself and set out to accomplish them.  All of a sudden, you will realize that your life is important, and you don't need your AC to give you meaning.  Once they see that you are living independently from them, they will come back, and if they don't, you may find it not as important as you do now.  Treat everyday as a special day and focus on you.  Trust me, I am just realizing all of this.  There are great self help books to read and gain knowledge..do this for YOU.

Good Luck...and rejoice for finding this site!!
Title: Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
Post by: HopefulWish on July 10, 2014, 07:50:27 AM
Dear LostMom

Our stories are very, very similar. Strikingly similar! I know where you are coming from. I could probably fill in a lot of blanks in your book...let me tell what I finally figured out. I expected that my kids would be level headed and fair - like me - their Mom. But they aren't. Kids learn and grow from their parents or guardians. Kids learn to be abusive from am abusive parent. My ex was very angry at his mother, and I am not sure if there was or was not good reason for it although I've never observed that there in fact was. But he projected all of that onto me. Young and naïve as I was, I fell into it. As I grow older, I see more and more the magnitude of this mistake. He was not necessarily physically violent, but he did not need to me. Emotional abuse is the most detrimental. Besides, why should be risk getting himself into trouble for hitting me when he can just make my life a miserable nightmare? My kids learned from him that I am the epicenter of all that is wrong in this world - his problems AND theirs. Just because they put that responsibility off on me, doesn't mean that I have to take it on. Even if they truly think that everything is my fault, I am only enabling them and holding them back from growing if I just sit right there and take it. I am not in charge of how people attempt to treat me, but I am in charge of how I will allow them to treat me. Even if they are my children.
And just like a lot of moms here, my adult children need me when they need money or assistance. I told them that the Bank of Mom is closed for business. They also learned this from their father that the only time I am worthy of any love or affection is when they need something. Forget that!!
Title: Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
Post by: jdtm on July 10, 2014, 11:03:13 AM
QuoteKids learn to be abusive from am abusive parent.

True, but I suspect genetics plays a large (perhaps even larger) role than any one of us suspects.  I do not believe that abuse is inherited; however, I believe that the personality traits which produce abuse are inherited.  What's the old saying "the apple does not fall far from the tree?".  Sometimes, it just is not in our control ....
Title: Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
Post by: HopefulWish on July 10, 2014, 11:55:21 AM
It's funny that you mention genetics.. I am actually studying for a PhD in Research Genetics! I have done a lot of reading about genetics and mental health. I hesitate to point the finger at genetics as a reason for mental health issues. I do believe that through genetics, we are predispositioned to certain chemical reactions through many genes, for example, methylation. Much in a similar way that varying hormone levels in women causes similar reactions in us - some more and some less. My current stance on the issue though is that it is up to the individual to deal with these issues. I do agree that there are children who come from non-violent, healthy, supportive homes who have issues and/or hate their parents, or engage in criminal activity.

What I meant about kids learning to be abusive from a parent or guardian though, is that children who are a product of an abusive environment, learn to abuse. Children learn their coping mechanisms from their parents, through the subtle messages that they receive in their environmental experiences. But I did not mean to imply that children who came from non-abusive backgrounds, learn to hate their parents from the parents. I just mentioned it to her, because in her case, as well as mine, the father was abusive. In cases such as mine and hers, I can see how they were influenced by the father abusive behaviors. My response was based purely on her own experience and mine, and even though it is seemingly a generic statement, it was not intended to be.

:)
Title: Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
Post by: luise.volta on July 10, 2014, 07:07:58 PM
My role models never argued or even raised their voices...parents and two sisters. I look back and that was just the norm...a constant. For me it was really hard not to think the world was coming to an end when I saw that kind of behavior away from home. I've never learned to confront or negotiate well. My take is that my home was my school for my first five years and pretty much set the stage for my beliefs.
Title: Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
Post by: Pooh on July 11, 2014, 08:28:05 AM
Quote from: luise.volta on July 10, 2014, 07:07:58 PM
My role models never argued or even raised their voices...parents and two sisters. I look back and that was just the norm...a constant. For me it was really hard not to think the world was coming to an end when I saw that kind of behavior away from home. I've never learned to confront or negotiate well. My take is that my home was my school for my first five years and pretty much set the stage for my beliefs.

I came from a very good set of parents, that didn't yell, argue or fight.  But I also figured out later in life, that they didn't because they both had come from families that did and were trying to break the cycle.  So I do believe we become products and we learn behaviors from our raising, but that it is also totally possible to make a decision to change the cycle.  I had a great childhood and my parents instilled many great values in me, but the one area that I always thought they lacked in was being involved with what I was doing.  Yes, there were reasons...they were both working and taking care of elderly parents.  They always made sure I got to my practices, games and events...but rarely stayed.  I learned later on that it was because they were dropping me off and then going straight to my Grandparents houses to take care of them.  But as a child, I didn't understand that.  I only knew my parents were never there and it was hurtful at the time.  So I decided with my children, no matter how busy life was, I would be there!  We see how that worked out for me! :)
Title: Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
Post by: HopefulWish on July 11, 2014, 08:43:06 AM
As a young adult, I held on to many hurts from my childhood that I realize now were due to what my expectations were. And I see that in my children, my Aunt, and my brother when they talk about their childhood. Of course, now when they talk, I think to myself, wow.. what high expectations you had! (Of course, I now know that my expectations were pretty high and some were unreasonable) My oldest daughter is particularly this way. As a pre-teen she always looked at her friends and what they had, and they did, and etc and compared herself to them and any discrepancy was taken out on me. Of course, most of it was just her perception! I was a single mom of 5 kids.. but yet she balked when I would find a clearance rack and tell the girls to take a look. My youngest daughter and I would score some nice finds, while my older daughter would roll her eyes and complain "oh there is nothing good on there". Then we would get home and she is complaining because we got cool stuff and she didn't and why didn't we get her one too. Although we stood right there and kept trying to get her to look and try on stuff. She is still this way at 26 years old. I suppose she thinks everything is just at face value.

Where do we learn to have such high expectations at such early ages? I think it really sets us up for failure and disappointments. I know that I blame TV and movies for a lot of it. Things are just not as fancy and glamorous and easy as it seems.
Title: Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
Post by: Susan E. on July 11, 2014, 07:33:34 PM
I didn't realize until years later that my parents had not done me any favors by "protecting" (controlling) me when I was a teenager - my father was the disciplinarian and my mom was the criticizer.  I was very self-conscious, had low self-esteem, and felt like I was supposed to agree with everyone, or not care, and heaven forbid if I did something to make anyone angry.  I was afraid to stand up for what I truly wanted.  I was 22 years old the first time I got married.  I "went along" with whatever he wanted to do, or wherever he wanted to go.  Or if he wanted to go out without me, I didn't complain.  He was in the last year of his military service when we married, so we lived in my home state.  When his tour was over, we relocated across the country to his home state.  I went along with this without giving much thought what I was getting in to.  I just thought I was supposed to do whatever my husband told me to do.  Two months after we had moved, I was pregnant.  After my first daughter was born, I know now - looking back - that I was depressed.  And then my husband began to criticize me.  That evolved into calling me names or laughing at me, then treating me like I was stupid.  Two years later, my second daughter was born.  The verbal and emotional abuse continued and escalated, and then he began to get physically abusive against me - and I took it without a word.

He and I did not agree on parenting - how to handle the girls when they misbehaved.  I wanted to give them a time-out, or I would tell them "no".  He thought I should allow them to do whatever they wanted, and with no consequence.  So the girls learned to run to him every time I said "no", and of course, he would lecture me in front of the kids and then tell them to go ahead and do what they wanted.  He would then accuse me, in front of our young daughters, of not loving them.  "You don't love these girls", or telling me what a terrible mother I was.  I endured this for 6 or 7 years, wanting to leave, but afraid to.  He finally had an affair with a woman he knew from work, and we divorced.  It seemed like that only made things worse in regard to the kids.  They would spend every other weekend with him, and they would come home with such nasty attitudes and disrespect toward me that it would take me a good week to get them back on track.  I made mistakes, but I never abused my girls, and I loved them very much.  I jumped through hoops for them, and made sacrifices for them (another chapter in my story to be told).  I guess my point is, a few weeks ago I was thinking about reasons why my ADs, especially the oldest, treat me now with such contempt and disrespect, and why neither one wants any contact with me - and I suddenly realized, it's because they watched and heard their father being disrespectful and abusive to me!  They learned it from him.  I don't "jump" anymore when they want something.  Wow - they're in their 40s and still act like their 6 years old, or at least, they expect me to bow to their demands like when they were little.  Realizing this was a real "light-bulb" moment for me.
Title: Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
Post by: lostmom on July 11, 2014, 08:04:28 PM
Lucy P, sounds like your life was simiar to mine minus the military moves!! I was married to a very abusive man and scare to leave as well.  When I finally got the nerve to leave, the courts gave custody of my 2 girls to this man!! Why, because I was a bartender and had another son from a previous marriage and had an affair during our marriage and did not set a good example for my girls.... even though I walked into court for the hearing with 2 black eyes, a busted knee cap, broken jaw and 36 stiches in my head. I fought for 6 years to get my girls back. My oldest AD will not speak to me at all and says she hopes I die and when I do, she will spit on my grave. I have tried very hard with her in the past, but much like you a few years ago, a lightbulb went off in my head. I will always miss her and love her, but am at peace with my life now and after 28 years, I realize that I am not at the bad person.  It was not all my fault!  I lived with guilt for many many years and I now refuse to live with the guilt anymore.  I knew I had to find happiness and peace within myself.  It still does bother me from time to time about my AD. I do miss her, but through time it's gotten easier.  And being on this board and reading all these posts, I realize I am not alone.  I always thought I was the only mother in this world that had a child/children that hated them...
Title: Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
Post by: HopefulWish on July 11, 2014, 08:08:22 PM
Hugs lostmom
Title: Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
Post by: luise.volta on July 11, 2014, 10:57:41 PM
Sending hugs...
Title: Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
Post by: shiny on July 12, 2014, 05:16:06 AM
Lost mom and LucyP, wow ... my heart goes out to both of you.

No one deserves this kind of treatment, but now, you do deserve peace, joy and a life worth living!
And, hopefully, you can continue to focus on those things that are good for you!
(Even if that means sans AC)

For the first eighteen years of my life, I lived in an abusive home -- physical, verbal and emotional.
So, I know a little something about how that can destroy a person, but I'm an overcomer.

My father continued to abuse me verbally and emotionally until he died. I was thirty years old at the time.
It's probably wrong to say this, but at his funeral, I felt "relief" that the abuse was over.

At least I thought it was over ... it has taken me years to work through the emotional baggage and scars that he left on my heart and mind.

This forum does help with the healing process in many areas of our lives, as we can all share a little bit of our stories. It helps to get it out in a safe place ...



Title: Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
Post by: Susan E. on July 12, 2014, 03:05:17 PM
Lost Mom -  hugs to you.  I know what you mean about the baggage, and especially now when I've seen my oldest AD treat me in a manner that is very similar to the way that her father did.  Seems like I've spent the last 3 weeks or so trying to focus on "the moment" and then something will trigger a memory from that period of my life that I thought I had locked away forever.  Then all the old memories, the old anger, come boiling up.   The abuse, games and manipulation didn't end when I divorced my first husband.  There's much more to tell, and some day I will share it.  I just don't want to go there right now.  I gave up so much for the love of my kids, all the while hoping it reassured them of my love for them.  Apparently, it didn't really matter.  I wish I had known back then how all of it would turn out.  It's hard not to be bitter some days.  But I'm a stronger person now than I was 40 years ago.  I've learned the hard way to speak up - and I do.  I refuse to be the doormat that I used to be.  I think that's probably part of what has them (the ADs) so ticked off.  So, I'm getting off this computer now or I'll be here til midnight.  Hugs to all of you.  LP

********************
Lucy P, sounds like your life was simiar to mine minus the military moves!! I was married to a very abusive man and scare to leave as well.  When I finally got the nerve to leave, the courts gave custody of my 2 girls to this man!! Why, because I was a bartender and had another son from a previous marriage and had an affair during our marriage and did not set a good example for my girls.... even though I walked into court for the hearing with 2 black eyes, a busted knee cap, broken jaw and 36 stiches in my head. I fought for 6 years to get my girls back.
Title: Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
Post by: kate123 on July 12, 2014, 07:17:17 PM
Hi Lost mom- sorry your children are being so disrespectful. I read Lilly's response and I think she hit the nail on the head. Until your children mature (if they ever do) they will never have empathy for the hardships you faced while they were growing up. I think that those who have not gone through many (or any) similar hardships themselves just cannot understand what women (sometimes men too) go through in life just trying to survive.
When I was twenty I suddenly saw my mother in a different light. Yes she was difficult to grow up with, and critical, (as OptOut said her mother was), but at twenty I saw the reasons why she was how she was and I had an understanding of her as a person. She made some mistakes, but I am here and I am a good person. Like Lilly said, you can't blame your parents for everything, or even anything when you are an adult.
Your AC's have not reached that maturity, and may not. Something has to happen to them to make that light go on, I don't know what it is. My DS did, but not my DD.
Just trying to say that it is them not you. You did the best you could with the circumstances and that is all that is possible. I hope one day your AC's come to that realization.
Title: Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
Post by: jdtm on July 13, 2014, 06:26:24 AM
QuoteSometimes, it just is not in our control ....

HopefulWish - this statement refers to the inheriting of genetic (which is not within our control).  It does not refer to abuse which is within our control.  It's funny how sometimes we write something and mean to say something else and then when one rereads it - I guess this is how misunderstandings begin.
Title: Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
Post by: Reihldream on October 20, 2014, 12:24:36 PM
My situation is a little different than yours....but the outcome is the same. I have a daughter who hates me and has the same feelings as your daughter seems to have. I recognize the pain in your writing. I feel it everyday. I have tried everything in my power to talk to her and figure this out. People tell me I have to let her go and that she will see things clearly when she matures and has kids of her own. But no one can tell me how to live through this in the meantime. I'm not convinced that she will ever love me again, and I can't let go. I feel like I need closure. I need her to talk to me and tell me what she is thinking and feeling. Do you feel that way? Do you ever feel like it would be easier to accept if she would help you understand why she doesn't want you? Maybe it wouldn't help...I don't know. But I don't think you should beat yourself up over bad decisions you made when you were young. You should be proud of the good decisions you made as you got older. 
Title: Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
Post by: Stilllearning on October 20, 2014, 02:31:59 PM
Oh my goodness R, you hit on the nail on the head!  The hardest part for us mothers is to give up.  We have to stop trying to fix things.  We have to give up on our hopes for how things were going to be.  We have to accept that our parenting years are over and we have somehow slipped into obsolescence in our children's lives.  They get to dictate how often we see them, hear from them, or interact with them.  We are now longer a center figure in their lives and nothing we do is going to change that.

So what do you do?  The only thing you can do is change the focus of your life to things you enjoy.  You did a great job raising your children and it is time for you to have some fun!  So when it gets you down start thinking about things you enjoy.  Plan a trip, even if it is only across town to the park you have always driven by but never explored!  Check out that antique store you never had the time to enter.  Join a club, start an exercise group, volunteer at a hospital.  Give your time to things that make you happy and put your kids on the back burner.  Try it and I bet you will like it.  I sure did!!!!
Title: Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
Post by: luise.volta on October 23, 2014, 05:55:45 PM
Welcome, R. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First to read the four posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We're a monitored Website.