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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: Cat on August 26, 2009, 03:10:26 PM

Title: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: Cat on August 26, 2009, 03:10:26 PM
I am married now for almost 4 years. I have a stunning stunning husband. One dreams are made of. He supports me in every way.I am VERY happy.

I was brought up with impeccable manners, I have a GREAT amount of respect for my elders.
When I first met my husband's parents I did everything by the book-it was not even a option not liking them, I just though I would do my absolute best. I always smile, and speak well.
My MIL is just the EXTREME opposite of my mother.I have grown to understand that my MIL just is the way she is, and that I must be thankful towards her for 'giving' me this dream of a man. But I can see it hurts my husband when she is inconsiderate towards me, when she excludes me, when she's not sensitive about my feelings, it hurts my husband more than it hurts me. I am just saddened by the fact that my MIL does not realize that she hurts her own son's more than she hurts me. I wish I could just get her alone some place and shake her to realize what she is doing. This is really so sad.
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: Sammy on August 26, 2009, 03:33:34 PM
Exactly! I cannot stand my MIL and FIL. They are telling me that I need to lose weight the whole time, in front of everybody. My FIL will actually ask me- in front of everybody- if I am ABSOLUTELY SURE I WOULD LIKE SOME DESSERT? CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT???  All that happens now, is that we are just not going to see them anymore, if they say hurtful things to me, it hurts my husband, so now we just stay away from them, so they lose a son- they should have thought about that sooner!!!!
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: Prissy on August 26, 2009, 03:53:09 PM
I feel badly for both of you.  You don't deserve this kind of treatment.  I want you to know, though that neither did we.  We were Mothers who did nothing wrong, gave all we had and were thrown to the curb due to young women who refused our graciousness.

Cat, I was raised with impeccable manners too. Nothing could have made me deliberately hurt someone my son brought home to marry.  Nothing. Yet I didn't get the same in return.

Sammy, this kind of treatment from your in-laws is terrible.  I am so sorry. I think all of us have been wounded but from different directions. 
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: luise.volta on August 26, 2009, 05:57:53 PM
It's hard to figure, isn't it? Rudeness like that has such a barb in it? Who needs it? What we all have to do is get that if the manners are all on one side...something has to give. Why would anyone deliberately subject themselves to that kind of abuse. Yup, that's the word.
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: just2baccepted on August 27, 2009, 06:32:04 AM
I forget who said this, but someone said that these behaviors don't have anything to do with what role your in (DIL/MIL), it has to do with emotionally damaged people.  Ya know I'm starting to really believe that as well.

To Cat - I don't know what your history is with MIL but I wonder if she's feeling the way my MIL and FIL feel.  They see you as an invader/enemy who has taken time away from them with their son.  My inlaws were nice to my face most of the time but riped me behind my back for stupid reasons.  If you're interested I wrote my very long story on My Story as a  Rejected DIL.  You're probably dealing with a very insecure jealous woman, I would assume.

To Sammy - I would definitely NOT deal with abusive comments like that!  Life is too short to be ridiculed by people who don't have good social skills.  That would embarrass the dickens out of me if the inlaws said that.  That's one thing about them is that almost always make me feel comfortable to my face(except FIL, he can be a buger) but MIL is so sneaky about her attacks that they are almost undetectable.
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: Prissy on August 27, 2009, 07:07:30 AM
I simply don't understand this concept of "stealing someone's son".  I think I've said this before but my DIL said that to me.  She whispered it though, "you don't like that I stole your son"

As God is my witness (A Scarlett vow), I never thought of anyone stealing, taking or holding my son from me.  She was like butter in the beginning, just like a sugar plum...she did a 360 degree turnaround the day of the wedding.

I've never been so shocked in my life. Right now, the anger I have toward her is huge.  Very betraying to be done like that.  The creature found out enough about me to know that I deeply wanted a family so she created a way for that to be taken from me.

Little by little, every look I gave, every word I said was taken back to son and twisted to suit her murder of us. 

She couldn't wait, in the beginning to get over here. "Mom, Dad!" (that's what she called us), hugging us and telling us how grateful she was to have us in her life.

Then, son wanted to visit here occasionally after the wedding.  Such sulking and pouting you've never seen, even from a 2 year old.  Folded arms, angry looks.  I guess he didn't see it but soon, it was less and less that they visited.

She's been to our town (they moved away) and never so much as picked up the phone to say hello.  Or, to let us speak to our grandchildren.  These freaks who raised her must have been totally hands off. 

Just my rant for today.  Yes, DILs, we lost our son.  We have to live with the idea that he allowed this to happen.  He let her do this to us.  Heartbreaking!
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: just2baccepted on August 27, 2009, 09:20:25 AM
Prissy - maybe you take this too personal when one of us mentions this.  I'm not saying that all MIL's feel like mine.  You know what my MIL and your DIL probably have similar insecurities.  I really think its not about roles DIL/MIL its about certain people with emotional problems.

You know something else is I wouldn't be at all surprised if you DIL turns out to be a nightmare MIL when she's older.  She very well may be rejected by her future DIL or SIL if she doesn't clean up her rejective behavior.  I've said before that I really think after reading this blog often that my MIL probably was a difficult rejecting DIL to her MIL.  I do know for a fact that my FIL mom was in a nursing home for many years and I never met her.  Another thing is my FIL refuses to go down to visit my MIL's family who lives about an hour and half away.  My hubby said that they possibly hurt his feelings one time years and years ago or something silly like that.

I actually have been to counseling over this matter.  And my therapist even said that I'm probably viewed as an enemy invader.  Just because my MIL is like this doesn't mean that every MIL is going to feel like their child has been stolen.  Secure women won't feel like this, if anything they'll feel like they're gaining a family member.   My mom even has never acted like my hubby stole me away from her, I guess because she viewed him as an addition to our family, which is the healthy way.

I know that you're in a lot of pain because of your DIL but I also feel that same pain with my MIL. And after all this I have come to the conclusion that my MIL does in fact feel this way.  But please don't personlize this.
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: SunnyDays09 on August 27, 2009, 09:47:33 AM
Quote from: Prissy on August 26, 2009, 03:53:09 PM
I feel badly for both of you.  You don't deserve this kind of treatment.  I want you to know, though that neither did we.  We were Mothers who did nothing wrong, gave all we had and were thrown to the curb due to young women who refused our graciousness.

Cat, I was raised with impeccable manners too. Nothing could have made me deliberately hurt someone my son brought home to marry.  Nothing. Yet I didn't get the same in return.

Sammy, this kind of treatment from your in-laws is terrible.  I am so sorry. I think all of us have been wounded but from different directions.

I agree Prissy.  Everything was fine with my son's girlfriend until she became the fiance.  Then she became a different person all together.  She got what she wanted now she needed to plan "the big day" at no cost.  This was a two year ordeal we all went thru.  The smiles stopped.  The hello's became a quick nod.  Cold.  Impersonal.  As if she were trying to be someone she wasn't while they were dating to convince son/family she WAS THE ONE!! Then BOOM!  No more. 

   Add her rude controlling mother into the mix with sisters that can be just as cruel and you have a whole lot of mean to deal with.  I could name dates, times, and exact happenings but they still claim it was me.  I deserved all the mean.  From her mother?  I have never spoken ill or rudely to any of them.  But I have been ignored, made fun of, and talked about while I was in the room by them! 
    She has complete control over the shell of the person I once knew to be my caring, funny, easy going son.  Who became someone that couldn't pass gas without asking her permission.  But she was important to him.  She was a respite to him in the form of someone with cash-financial security.  Not rich.  But he could lose a job here or there and she/her family could pick up the slack.
   Getting rid of me - who just might ask him point blank what she is doing to him - was easy.  But I wouldn't take it.  They aren't worth it.  He's a big boy, he made his bed...
    There was NO speaking to this person.  She had a master plan and I was to be a small part in her life.  Free child care.  And I said NO, by removing them from my life. 
  They chose to remove the other family members on their own.  Selfish is as selfish does.  But I bet ya, if we were to come into a winner of a lottery, they'd be at the front door apologizing and begging to come back in.
   
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: luise.volta on August 27, 2009, 10:30:34 AM
"Broken Record" speaking here, (I know), but I agree with Just 2B when it comes to generalization. It can be dangerous and unrealistic stuff. So can personalization. There are some real horrors out there in both categories (MIL/DIL) and unfortunately, we know them well. We have to face them and work through the fall out. We share experiences and solutions and offer support. And over and over again we see solutions individualized.

"Sweeties" in both camps abound! Perceptions rule at times. I have been seen as the MIL from Hell and the World's Best MIL. I am undoubtedly neither one. As I have said before, one of my sons found me terribly lacking and the other one thinks I walk on water. Perceptions usually are about the perceiver as much the person being perceived.

Putting my soap box away...(for now)... ;D
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: Prissy on August 27, 2009, 10:40:36 AM
I absolutely don't take what you say personally,  Just2be. You are one of the ones who really has been hurt and are trying to make an impossible situation better.  At least you're looking for honest answers.

I know my DILs son's wives will think she's awful.  I feel badly for her in a way but would like to be around when all those boys bring a girl home to meet her.

I do believe she will be stunned to see what she did to us. She will know. Thank you for your kindness.
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: just2baccepted on August 27, 2009, 10:49:03 AM
Okay, I thought maybe you were taking that personal.  Yes I agree that what comes around goes around.  Not that I'm wishing that on your DIL.  I hope that she can heal and treat you and everybody else with respect.  That's what we all want in the end, just for everyone to get along.  But I know that can be an impossible goal.
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: SunnyDays09 on August 27, 2009, 12:08:02 PM
 
Quote from: Cat on August 26, 2009, 03:10:26 PM
I am married now for almost 4 years. I have a stunning stunning husband. One dreams are made of. He supports me in every way.I am VERY happy.

I was brought up with impeccable manners, I have a GREAT amount of respect for my elders.
When I first met my husband's parents I did everything by the book-it was not even a option not liking them, I just though I would do my absolute best. I always smile, and speak well.
My MIL is just the EXTREME opposite of my mother.I have grown to understand that my MIL just is the way she is, and that I must be thankful towards her for 'giving' me this dream of a man. But I can see it hurts my husband when she is inconsiderate towards me, when she excludes me, when she's not sensitive about my feelings, it hurts my husband more than it hurts me. I am just saddened by the fact that my MIL does not realize that she hurts her own son's more than she hurts me. I wish I could just get her alone some place and shake her to realize what she is doing. This is really so sad.
Cat, might I suggest that you tell her that your husband is stunning stunning?  I have a feeling she might like this.  That he is supportive as well?  Do you feel she may have had a part in how he turned out?  In some small way, perhaps?  Or just by telling her this, she may just take it as a compliment.  With or without an explanation that because of her, her son is so great.  Whether it's true or not.
  Also, I get the vibe you are comparing her to YOUR mother.  Isn't this a bit unfair?  Maybe your mom is the most unbelievably easy to talk to, most understanding, even tempered, generous person in the world.  Why would you compare her to anyone else?  She's your MOM.  She should be the greatest to you unless she starved, and beat you and did illegal drugs or something. 
  I can't understand the reason his mother would intentionally be mean to the woman her son chose as the love of his life forever.  Why?  What reason would she even have?   Has she seen someone she believes to be you kissing another man at a bar or something??  No.  Prolly not.   
  Could you be looking for things that aren't there?  Could he have ever showed up or called her after you two had a big argument and he left her thinking you were the meanest person on earth?  Perhaps he even cried?
   Wouldn't your mom be more inclined to protect and  side with you, pretty much all of the time?  Even when you are clearly wrong?  That's what moms do.  They side with their kids.  For whatever reason.
   I wouldn't tell her at all.  I would not have him mention either.  Just keep on with the open dialogue and genuine compassion.  Unless she's a beast of a human I can't imagine her not welcoming you.
   Just accept her as the one that changed the diapers, worried 24/7 when he was running a 104 fever.  Helped him get that important book for homework and brought it to school when he forgot.  Etc.  Etc. 
  She's just a mom.  Not a super human. 
   I had a witch for a mil at one time.  Instead of embracing me when pregnant with her grandson, I was disgusting in her eyes.  (We weren't married at the time.)  Oh well.  I did try tho.  It wasn't meant to be.

Some you win.  Some you don't. But you have a new life with your husband.  Don't let her become an issue between you two.  Good luck!!  :)
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: just2baccepted on August 27, 2009, 02:59:13 PM
Happydays09 - I think you made some good points and possibly I jumped to wrong conclusion because of my MIL experience.  And you are right that parents take the side of their children, I know my mom has done the same thing.  And that why my hubby NEVER shares anything personal or really anything about me to his parents.  he said he never wanted to give them any ammunition.  What's weird is our entire marriage when he'd talk to them on the phone it was like I didn't exist.  He doesn't bring me up and they don't ask about me.  My therapist said that was their way of pretending like I don't exist.

I can't understand the reason his mother would intentionally be mean to the woman her son chose as the love of his life forever.  Why?  What reason would she even have?   Has she seen someone she believes to be you kissing another man at a bar or something??  No.  Prolly not.   

This was a little hard for me to read because I'm pretty sure that my MIL only cares about her feelings and not even the feelings of own children/grandchild.  My MIL look for vulnerabilities in our marriage and tries to cause problems in our marriage.  If my MIL loved her son so much why one earth would she do this?  When trying to keep neighborhood children away from her grandson she told him after some boys came over to play she made them leave and then told the poor grandson "well let me tell you, you were the last one on their list to play with."  He just stood there processing what she said.  I witnessed this first hand.  Why would she do this?  I guess because she doesn't want outsiders coming in, she's sees them as a threat.  And it makes me sick that someone who is supposed to love my husband would try to cause problems in his marriage because she wants me out of the picture I guess?

I know you obviously don't have this mentality and you truly love you son and can't fathom feeling this way about your child.  But there are mothers out there that are just "off" enough to be like this.
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: SunnyDays09 on August 27, 2009, 03:21:53 PM
And there are just some mean spirited people.  Male/female, dads, moms, etc. 
   My dil probably thinks her mom is the bomb dig.  The best thing since sliced bread and the woman does no wrong.  What others see and hears and feels is not the same. 

It's all in perception.  And many of the dils feel unnecessarily picked on by their MILs and many of the mils share this with their dils! 

As for your mil looking for vulnerabilities in your marriage?  She needs a major reality check and a good hobby.  For crying out loud. 

I honestly can say I have never first hand encountered someone close to me dealing with a parent that was bent on the destruction of their marriage/relationship.  Never.  I don't get it.
  I am aware some parents are a bit more controlling - but so were many of the sibs:  brothers and sisters, or THEIR spouses.  Even some neighbors got into the fray!!  LOL!

  If it ever came to be my ils or whoever began a plan like your mil there would be some serious discussions.  If she is suffering from some mental illness or something I guess it would do no good.  I wouldn't take my dil treating me like trash, I wouldn't take it from anyone else either.
   Well, I did for a year or so...wait I have a Bushism for that!  :)
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: luise.volta on August 27, 2009, 03:38:10 PM
Sometimes when we ponder these issues...we clutter it up with logic!
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: just2baccepted on August 27, 2009, 04:47:19 PM
Happydays you made great points.  I would like to think that I'm wrong about this.  That she doesn't want us to divorce or for hubby to be alone.  But I've read a little about the fear of abandonment.  I wonder if my MIL is suffering from this.  I forgot to mention this in my initial "story" but after we moved to my hometown I really think my MIL went into panic mode.  Besides throwing glass dishes and breaking them, for about 3 mos she wanted to move into these duplexes right down the street from her son and I.  She claimed that she needed to get away from her husband.  I thought that seemed odd because there was never a problem until we moved.  To this day I believe she was in fear of abandonment mode and felt abandoned by her son and I.  What's odd is her daughter lives right next door to her and her grandson.  I think she finally got her mind together and decided she better not move down the street from us.  I wouldn't be at all surprised if she pressure my FIL to sell their home and land and move down the street from us.  She's an odd duck for sure.
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: Cat on August 27, 2009, 05:46:21 PM
Quote from: HappyDays09 on August 27, 2009, 12:08:02 PM
Quote from: Cat on August 26, 2009, 03:10:26 PM
I am married now for almost 4 years. I have a stunning stunning husband. One dreams are made of. He supports me in every way.I am VERY happy.

I was brought up with impeccable manners, I have a GREAT amount of respect for my elders.
When I first met my husband's parents I did everything by the book-it was not even a option not liking them, I just though I would do my absolute best. I always smile, and speak well.
My MIL is just the EXTREME opposite of my mother.I have grown to understand that my MIL just is the way she is, and that I must be thankful towards her for 'giving' me this dream of a man. But I can see it hurts my husband when she is inconsiderate towards me, when she excludes me, when she's not sensitive about my feelings, it hurts my husband more than it hurts me. I am just saddened by the fact that my MIL does not realize that she hurts her own son's more than she hurts me. I wish I could just get her alone some place and shake her to realize what she is doing. This is really so sad.
Cat, might I suggest that you tell her that your husband is stunning stunning?  I have a feeling she might like this.  That he is supportive as well?  Do you feel she may have had a part in how he turned out?  In some small way, perhaps?  Or just by telling her this, she may just take it as a compliment.  With or without an explanation that because of her, her son is so great.  Whether it's true or not.
  Also, I get the vibe you are comparing her to YOUR mother.  Isn't this a bit unfair?  Maybe your mom is the most unbelievably easy to talk to, most understanding, even tempered, generous person in the world.  Why would you compare her to anyone else?  She's your MOM.  She should be the greatest to you unless she starved, and beat you and did illegal drugs or something. 
  I can't understand the reason his mother would intentionally be mean to the woman her son chose as the love of his life forever.  Why?  What reason would she even have?   Has she seen someone she believes to be you kissing another man at a bar or something??  No.  Prolly not.   
  Could you be looking for things that aren't there?  Could he have ever showed up or called her after you two had a big argument and he left her thinking you were the meanest person on earth?  Perhaps he even cried?
   Wouldn't your mom be more inclined to protect and  side with you, pretty much all of the time?  Even when you are clearly wrong?  That's what moms do.  They side with their kids.  For whatever reason.
   I wouldn't tell her at all.  I would not have him mention either.  Just keep on with the open dialogue and genuine compassion.  Unless she's a beast of a human I can't imagine her not welcoming you.
   Just accept her as the one that changed the diapers, worried 24/7 when he was running a 104 fever.  Helped him get that important book for homework and brought it to school when he forgot.  Etc.  Etc. 
  She's just a mom.  Not a super human. 
   I had a witch for a mil at one time.  Instead of embracing me when pregnant with her grandson, I was disgusting in her eyes.  (We weren't married at the time.)  Oh well.  I did try tho.  It wasn't meant to be.

Some you win.  Some you don't. But you have a new life with your husband.  Don't let her become an issue between you two.  Good luck!!  :)

Dearest HappyDays09,
Thank you so much for your insightful views. This helped alot.
Firstly i will answer some of your questions: It is true that Mothers tend to take their own children's side, I agree, but my husband will never call his Mother and discuss our problems, we deal with them personally, we have a great understanding and love for each other, and this is something we cherish dearly in our marriage.- and this is just not how he is :) i'm lucky :)
I agree that you say it is unfair of me to compare her with my mother. I think the problem here is that I tend to compare myself with how she handles her own daughters. She never refers to me as her daughter. She never goes out of her way, or treat me like she does them. I know I shouldn't compare her with my mother, but I do compare her with herself- it this makes any sense, with how she is a Mother to her daughters. It small things that I cherish. Like after we got engaged, she didn't even ask me to look at my ring, to this day I don't even think she knows how it looks like. Isn't that just weird!??

And she acted a bit weird around me when I first met her as well, I offered to wash the dishes for her, and she basically quite forcefully ripped out the plug and said " I wash MY dishes with COLD water" ??? That was quite bizarre, and I thought quite unappropriate.

I have honestly tried everything, even telling her what a great son she has, and that I am so thankful, but nothing, she just laughs and stares at me blankly. I still go on doing everything I can, but nothing. She has even now started making remarks about my weight as well! Telling me in front of everybody after dinner at the table, that if I wanted to go work out 'NOW' that would be great, the exercise bike is in the other room. CAN you believe that?

I understand that one must not compare, and think yourself into someone else's shoes, but if the other person does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING? what then?

I do not understand
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: Sammy on August 27, 2009, 06:08:24 PM
Quote from: Prissy on August 27, 2009, 07:07:30 AM
I simply don't understand this concept of "stealing someone's son".  I think I've said this before but my DIL said that to me.  She whispered it though, "you don't like that I stole your son"

As God is my witness (A Scarlett vow), I never thought of anyone stealing, taking or holding my son from me.  She was like butter in the beginning, just like a sugar plum...she did a 360 degree turnaround the day of the wedding.

I've never been so shocked in my life. Right now, the anger I have toward her is huge.  Very betraying to be done like that.  The creature found out enough about me to know that I deeply wanted a family so she created a way for that to be taken from me.

Little by little, every look I gave, every word I said was taken back to son and twisted to suit her murder of us. 

She couldn't wait, in the beginning to get over here. "Mom, Dad!" (that's what she called us), hugging us and telling us how grateful she was to have us in her life.

Then, son wanted to visit here occasionally after the wedding.  Such sulking and pouting you've never seen, even from a 2 year old.  Folded arms, angry looks.  I guess he didn't see it but soon, it was less and less that they visited.

She's been to our town (they moved away) and never so much as picked up the phone to say hello.  Or, to let us speak to our grandchildren.  These freaks who raised her must have been totally hands off. 

Just my rant for today.  Yes, DILs, we lost our son.  We have to live with the idea that he allowed this to happen.  He let her do this to us.  Heartbreaking!

Prissy,
It is very interesting to me that you say your DIL was at first very friendly and warm. And that it changed after the wedding. I must be honest, my attitude also changed towards my in laws after the wedding. It was as if everyones TRUE colors came out!
FIRSTLY, they made absolutely NO contribution to the wedding, my parents had to pay every last little flower, every every little thing, his father said something to my father like " you should really say if there isn't anything we can do" TALK IS CHEAP, my father would never ask someone for money- EVEN THEIR OWN FAMILY MEMBERS TOLD THEM< WHAT THEY WERE DOING WAS TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE, but they didn't care-they were saving money! But my FIL bought his daughter a brand new car, and pays in cash for her studies and living expenses, but when it comes to me and my husband, there is just NO spending.

So YES things definitely changed after the wedding, I think I saw their true colours. And please do yourself a favor, think about everything you do, remember, your DIL is OUTNUMBERED~!~~~~~~~~~~~~~ REMEMBER` OUTNUMBERED~ she is the one who has to win over THE FATHER IN LAW, THE SISTER IN LAW, THE MOTHER IN LAW, THE NEW GRANDMOTHER, THE NEW GRANDFATHER< EVEN THE FREAKING DOGS! SO how hard it might be, make it as easy as possible for her, other wise, you might lose a son. And another thing, keep things out in the open, talk about everything.
Because it has been a few years now, since they did not want to spend a dime on my and my husband's wedding- and things are going to explode, because I just keep adding up, and getting more and more irritated with them, If they took the time to talk to us, things might have been different, and now his daughter is getting married, and she is getting everything she wants, no matter how much everything costs! I AM NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANY LONGER< IF THEY WILL NOT BE THE ADULTS< WE WILL!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST...guess what we got as a wedding gift??? 2 towels!
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: Prissy on August 27, 2009, 06:40:35 PM
Dear Sammy,
Technically, the groom's parents pay for the rehearsal dinner and the brides bouquet, that's it.  But I digress, I can't go into what her parents did at the wedding that WE paid for because I don't want it on the internet for all the world to see.

Suffice it to say, they acted like A***. Something happened before the wedding and it had to do with the fact that her Mother gets spoken to by a Higher Authority and the Higher Authority told the Mother that they should get married on a certain day. Any other day would not be good.

To make a long story short, they didn't get married on that day. Thus the acting like A***.  Her parents were fuming mad. 

I was broken hearted for her but somehow she turned her anger toward them into anger toward us.  I could go into things that would make your toenails curl but I'm not.  We didn't do one thing to her.

Yes, she had a new system to fit into; I realize that.  We are not like her parents, thank you, LORD!

I can't go any further because I'll put too much out here but we tried every known tactic on earth with this woman and nothing worked.  I even allowed her to throw a tantrum in my house because I served her the wrong cold drink.

My son is now a Stepford Husband.  I raised him and the worst thing we ever did was to drill into him to be kind to his wife, put her first and be a gentleman. I wish I had told him that he didn't have to lose himself to a nut.
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: luise.volta on August 27, 2009, 06:52:58 PM
I am repeating myself here, but lots of time we are trying to understand things that simply don't make sense. They may to the other person but we can't crawl into that mind and follow that "logic." Sometimes it is way too far out in left field. 

When my eldest son was still alive, I remember stopping at their house by invitation with my step daughter to pick up something. He went to get it and my DIL came into the room. I  lightheartedly said something about introducing one "daughter' to the other. When I got home my DIL called and demanded that I never, never call her that again!  ???
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: luise.volta on August 27, 2009, 07:00:39 PM
And Prissy, I get how great it would have been if you had gotten a DIL who wanted to integrate instead of irritate. What a truly wonderful MIL she could have had! Bless you heart.
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: just2baccepted on August 27, 2009, 07:08:12 PM
Luise I just can't imagine someone talking to you like that! You're such a sweety pie.  She just had her own issues.  I'm so sorry you were treated like that.  You deserve nothing but happiness and joy, I've just got a feeling.  ;)
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: Prissy on August 27, 2009, 07:11:54 PM
Early on in their marriage son said to me: "Wife knows how much my family means to me and she said I could be with you and Dad and brother."

Since that time, he has never spoken to me again about anything she said or didn't say.  It's "the couple rule".  Brainwashing takes about 16 years to complete.

I think I told you that every girl I knew before both sons were married wanted to be in this family.  Course, having movie star looking sons didn't hurt.  Their great looks and accompliments made them great catches so it wasn't all us.
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: Sammy on August 27, 2009, 07:40:15 PM
Quote from: Prissy on August 27, 2009, 07:11:54 PM
Early on in their marriage son said to me: "Wife knows how much my family means to me and she said I could be with you and Dad and brother."

Since that time, he has never spoken to me again about anything she said or didn't say.  It's "the couple rule".  Brainwashing takes about 16 years to complete.

I think I told you that every girl I knew before both sons were married wanted to be in this family.  Course, having movie star looking sons didn't hurt.  Their great looks and accompliments made them great catches so it wasn't all us.

Hi Prissy,
Sorry if I came across a bit to harsh. You must understand my frustration, as I do yours. You seem to be a well grounded woman, the way you speak of your sons etc. I think I just cannot understand why/how/WHY your DIL could be so difficult, and why she would keep your son away from you. I would never do that, unless our relationship is harmed, like when his mother makes remarks about my weight, that is just stupid, no need to say nasty things about the woman your man loves.
And thank you, it is true what she says about we not having the whole picture, the only reason I am being honest is because I know I am not naming anyone, and no one will ever know these comments were made by me, it is very vague, and the only reason I name all these facts is because I am suffering silently, and I think that is a kind of a abuse. I need help and answers.
I realize that you do not have all the facts, and that it is impossible to judge from my point of view, because that is what it is: my point of view. I am sure my MIL and FIL sees  everything quite differently, and that is why I need another opinion. Thanks again Prissy. Maybe we have more in common than we thought. Sorry again about my 'moment of madness'
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: Prissy on August 27, 2009, 07:48:08 PM
Please don't worry about it.  I understand that you are hurt and hurt you should be. My gosh, having someone say that to you is beneath contempt.

We can all help each other.  This is not one of those sites where the DILs gather and try to kill an MIL who enters.  We are all here to learn.

She felt threatened about our home. She is the big time boss and son might be influenced by something we said..you know how that goes.  Gotta keep the brainwashee away from all outside influences.   
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: luise.volta on August 27, 2009, 08:25:44 PM
J2B - She is the same DIL that wrote me the long hate letter nine days after my son died of sleep apnea and told me I was responsible for every difficulty ever had and every failure. (He was extremely successful on many fronts.) She described me as inherently evil. I got her letter just two days after the memorial service.

Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: Prissy on August 28, 2009, 04:26:09 AM
How could someone send a letter like that to a Mother who is grieving for a son who died?  "inherently evil".....this is so below the belt that I wish there was a prison sentence for writing it.

Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: Cat on August 28, 2009, 05:55:35 AM
I would like to ask the MIL online these questions, in order to help myself with the healing process and understanding of my MIL:

Dear All MIL,

Do you feel like your DIL is actually just a DIL or will you see her as one of your own?

Did you as a MIL had a 'idealistic' dream about how your DIL should look like/act like?

Do you feel like your DIL has to work harder than your own children to win over your affection?

Do you feel it is your DIL's duty to always help you with everything, and be like 'the maid' even if your own daughters are doing nothing?

Maybe if some of you could answer these questions for me, I could see a different perspective?

Do you think there will ever be a woman good enough for your son out there?

Do you ever give your DIL any credit for what she has done or any compliments?
-if she truley loves your son-you would surely be able to see it?
and if this is the case, she is working very hard at loving him, making sure his tummy is full, he sleeps warm, all the things you used to do.
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: Prissy on August 28, 2009, 06:56:45 AM
1. I desperately wanted to

2. I now see her as a cruel woman

3. Yes, I dreamed she would be like a daughter and would love us and not feel the need to banish us from their lives

4. My DIL doesn't 'work hard' at being kind to us at all.

5. I never asked DIL to help me with anything. Oh, I'm sorry...one time I did ask her if she could show me how to make an invitation on the computer. She shook her head, no.

6. There were so many wonderful girls in his life who loved him and loved us so yes, there were many good enough for him.  We would have spoiled them rotten and loved them like our own.

7. I have tried giving her every compliment imaginable.

8. I'm sure she loves him in her own way....she only knows 'control', though.

9. His tummy is full.  The lady across the street could fill his tummy.

10. Could your Husband take you away from your parents?  If he tried, would you like it?
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: just2baccepted on August 28, 2009, 08:35:07 AM
What Sammy said:
I would never do that, unless our relationship is harmed, like when his mother makes remarks about my weight, that is just stupid, no need to say nasty things about the woman your man loves.

Well Sammy what do you honestly think? Do you think MIL is trying to cause harm to your marriage?  Its one thing for someone who just doesn't have good social skills and they say stupid things at times but they really have a decent heart.  Then there are those people who are covert-agressive in sheep's clothing and they do go behind your back and try to cause problems between you and hubby by criticising you.  I believe that the latter is what occurs to me.
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: AnnieB on August 28, 2009, 10:54:59 PM
Just as all DIL's are not the same, neither are all MIL's -- so our answering these questions may have nothing to do with your MIL.

1.  Do you feel like your DIL is actually just a DIL or will you see her as one of your own?

I don't know what "just a DIL" is... I think a DIL is a special member of the family because she's someone one of my sons picked as a partner.  If he loves and picked her, she's special. 

She isn't one of my own - she's a unique person.  I have two DIL's and a third son's gf.  Three different personalities, three different relationships.  They are all members of my family to me, even if we are not getting along.

2.  Did you as a MIL had a 'idealistic' dream about how your DIL should look like/act like?

Being a MIL was nothing I ever dreamed of.   I couldn't picture who my sons would love.  It was never up to me to pick their wives or gf's, so I had no idea.   One seemed a surprise match to me, the other a perfect fit.   But that doesn't matter - what matters is what my sons think.

3.  Do you feel like your DIL has to work harder than your own children to win over your affection?

My sons didn't have to work at all as they were from my womb  and I've known them for many years, so I cannot compare.

I don't think my DIL"s had to "work"  -- they haven't had to prove anything.  But you know, my DIL's were strangers to me, as I was to them.  It takes time to get to know someone.  So, in that sense, it is taking time on both sides. 

I like to think with MIL and DIL, we start with acceptance and love.  It is not on a deep level or it would not be genuine.  From that open stage it can grow, stagnate or fade.

It depends on the people involved.  It can be different in the same family, depending on how the people are with each other.  In one family, there can be different relationships with different DIL's because of the way the people react andrespond to each other.

4.  Do you feel it is your DIL's duty to always help you with everything, and be like 'the maid' even if your own daughters are doing nothing?

I think this reflects an issue you are having with your MIL.  If she is from another culture, in another generation, this may be what she believes is the right way, because in some cultures, the DIL is expected to do a lot of work.   I'm glad I don't belong to those cultures, I would have failed as a DIL! 

There's no such thing to me as a DIL duty.   I don't have daughters, by the way.   But no, I don't -- I also don't think it's my "duty" to be an on call babysitter.  This is something I think that needs to be discussed or people find they are working with different "rules".

5. Do you think there will ever be a woman good enough for your son out there?

Good enough?  I don't even know how to answer that.  Being someone's wife isn't a matter of being "good enough".  There's compatability, and love, and common interests and chemistry.   I am thankful I don't have to measure those for anyone! 

6. Do you ever give your DIL any credit for what she has done or any compliments?

That's a very good question.  I think it is good to remind ourselves to be aware of the many positive points our DIL's have.  The number one for point is that she and my son are happy together -- and I think that's not my business to compliment them on -- I just like to be happy around them and with them.

I'm trying to remember if my two MIL's, who were wonderful, ever did that.  I don't think they did.  I think they just treated me like a good friend, and so I didn't feel a need to be complimented -- I just assumed since they liked me, they gave me any necessary credit.


7.  If she truley loves your son-you would surely be able to see it? and if this is the case, she is working very hard at loving him, making sure his tummy is full, he sleeps warm, all the things you used to do.

Well, I think I sort of answered that in #6.  But that's for him to decide, not me.  If she mistreated him, that would be my concern.  If he is happy and she is happy, heck, if they are content, then they are doing better than many people.

The main thing for me to do is have my own life and stay out of their way, I think. 

Hope this helps somehow.
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: Prissy on August 29, 2009, 04:31:00 AM
AnnieB,
You certainly have a firm grasp on things....I don't see you letting your heart get in the way of your actions.  I envy you.

Everything you say is so matter of fact; good for you.  As you can read, I come from a place of not being able to separate having my dreams, life, future and heart from being broken while substituting adult words and assured thoughts.

I hope to arrive to where you are someday....firm in my commitment to getting past hurts and on with my life without the simple request to be loved by a family.

When you never had a family and this was your only shot at one, I find it the hardest road of my life's journey to get past being thrown out at the request of a Daughter in law.
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: Cat on August 29, 2009, 08:34:54 AM
6. Do you ever give your DIL any credit for what she has done or any compliments?

That's a very good question.  I think it is good to remind ourselves to be aware of the many positive points our DIL's have.  The number one for point is that she and my son are happy together -- and I think that's not my business to compliment them on -- I just like to be happy around them and with them.

I'm trying to remember if my two MIL's, who were wonderful, ever did that.  I don't think they did.  I think they just treated me like a good friend, and so I didn't feel a need to be complimented -- I just assumed since they liked me, they gave me any necessary credit.


I thank you out of the depths of my heart. For you to take the time to read through my questions, and answer them sincerely. Thank you so much.
I have only one Question, Regarding the quoted text above, do you ever compliment your own children, on anything? I am sure you do, since it seems like you are a wonderful mother.
I think that is one of the reasons why I feel hurt and unappreciated by my MIL, when she sees both of me and my husband at the same time, she will give him a hug, take a step back, look at both of us and then say to her son, "well my boy, YOU look nice", and that's what parents do, they are open with their children, and they compliment them, even if you do not feel like 'it's your buisiness' you will surely tell your son if you are happy with him? proud of him? why then not your DIL. I compliment and tell my MIL constantly that she looks good, that I am happy with her son, that he is a great guy, and she never ever ever says anything back.

if she mistreated him, that would be my concern.
BUT if she's good to him, that is also none of your concern?

Could one of the biggest problems between MIL and DIL be that we assume to often and to easy.
My MIL just assumes she is doing everything right.
My MIL just assumes I know she loves me.
My MIL just assumes I know she is happy with her son's choice.
My MIL just assumes I do not need clothes when she makes some for her own daughters.


When a woman meets a man, she knows there is already a woman in his live, she is fearful and maybe she would rather reject and push this woman away before she gets rejected. Young and immature decisions. Later regretted in life.
MOTHERS IN LAW, I plead with you, do not give up, be strong, be the wiser one, be the older one, be the mature one, this woman your son married already knows how powerful you are, show her how big your heart is as well, keep on trying and trying and trying. We help people on the street, and our friends without even thinking twice about it, while there is a war in our own home. I promise you, your son misses you.

Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: Prissy on August 29, 2009, 10:16:38 AM
God bless you, Cat and keep you.....I will take your words to my heart. Thank you.
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: just2baccepted on August 29, 2009, 11:50:19 AM
AnnieB you have to be a DIL's dream!  You're a great lady!  ;D
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: just2baccepted on August 29, 2009, 12:00:38 PM
Prissy I'm going to be nosy if that's allright.  But do you have a husband and/or friends or other children?  I was curious if you feel as devastated as you do because you don't have much of anybody else in your life?  Or that we invest too much into one person or people because we may not have anybody else.  I'm sorry if I'm being too nosy. 
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: Prissy on August 29, 2009, 12:24:29 PM
Please don't feel like you're being nosey.....we're kind of like a family here and I'm grateful for all of you.

I have a wonderful Husband, another son and DIL (she is very good to me).  I have several grandchildren.....3 from one son and 4 from the one with the DIL who doesn't like us.

They are my family.  The distant DIL has caused us not to be as close to her children as we'd like....SO SAD for them and for us. 

I have so much to be grateful for....you just can't replace one of your children with another just because things are right with one.  It 'ain't' gonna happen. 

Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: luise.volta on August 29, 2009, 02:18:51 PM
"MOTHERS IN LAW, I plead with you, do not give up, be strong, be the wiser one, be the older one, be the mature one, this woman your son married already knows how powerful you are, show her how big your heart is as well, keep on trying and trying and trying."

If only...

I have seen countless times on my counseling website: http://www.MomResponds.com situations where non-threatening MILS did just that, to no avail. The door was closed...war was declared...and the son was to all intents and purposes gone.

And I have seen the opposite...where a lovely, new DIL fared no better. Sometimes we are dealing with patterns that are pathological not logical.
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: SunnyDays09 on August 29, 2009, 05:00:21 PM
QuoteI promise you, your son misses you.
If only. 

   Too much has happened.  It didn't matter to him.  I complimented and showed pride and hugged them both to no avail.

   It wasn't meant to be. 
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: Prissy on August 29, 2009, 05:45:28 PM
I'm so sorry about your Sister, Just2be...she's sick. Sometimes I think if we could remember that about people with addictions, it might make it easier to understand. I'll bet she doesn't mean to hurt you, she's just very sick. I wish there never had to be drugs!

I can attest to the qualities of a Shih Tzu!  There is no more precious dog. They have "people" eyes and love you dearly. Ours died after 15 years and even today, we miss her so much!!
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: luise.volta on August 29, 2009, 06:26:29 PM
Well, lookie there. I got another minus, Prissy.
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: Prissy on August 29, 2009, 06:32:15 PM
Who could be doing this dastardly thing to you?  >:( I demand it stop!!  Show us your cadet uniform! 
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: luise.volta on August 29, 2009, 06:39:08 PM
LOL!!! Sure! That'll do it. I was a force to be reconned with in 1945!! ROFL!!

Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: luise.volta on August 29, 2009, 06:46:15 PM
And did you notice that you made Sr. member before I did?! This just isn't my day! :'(
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: Prissy on August 29, 2009, 06:54:30 PM
No, I didn't...(notice how I'm looking real ashamed).

But, I am gaining pluses (Oh, the joy!!) :P
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: Prissy on August 29, 2009, 06:58:55 PM
Okay, giving it a shot....does ROFL mean "really over feeling little?"  "running on folks lightly"  (I'm just guessing here)
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: luise.volta on August 29, 2009, 07:11:04 PM
ROFL - Rolling on the floor, laughing. (As in splitting your sides!)
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: Prissy on August 29, 2009, 07:17:36 PM
oh, for Heaven's sake....I was so close.
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: luise.volta on August 29, 2009, 08:10:14 PM
Very creative!!! ;D
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: luise.volta on August 29, 2009, 08:12:35 PM
How about Resting On those Foolish Laurels? ???!
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: Prissy on August 29, 2009, 08:25:31 PM
and.... roasting over flaming logs
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: luise.volta on August 29, 2009, 08:55:40 PM
Who are we going to do that to? (Don't answer that question!)  :D
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: AnnieB on August 30, 2009, 05:16:20 AM
Quote from: Prissy on August 29, 2009, 08:25:31 PM
and.... roasting over flaming logs

This is my favorite!
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: SunnyDays09 on August 30, 2009, 08:27:20 AM
I vote for we all give each other + today.  :)    Don't forget us whittle people. 
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: just2baccepted on August 30, 2009, 12:29:35 PM
My MIL hugs us both and says I love you as well.  When she leaves msgs on our answering machine she say "love y'all."  And I'm like, what?  You love me!  Please!  She tries to subtly cause problems in marriage.  But then I think, well that's the way covert-aggressive people act.  They charm you like crazy to pull you in and then put the thump on you when you're not looking.  At least that's what my MIL does to me.  It makes me sick when she acts all nice to my face because I know how she truly feels about me and the damage that she tries to cause.

Just my rant I guess but Happydays09 I"m not saying at all that's the way your son feels, I just want to make that point.
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: just2baccepted on August 30, 2009, 12:34:40 PM
Well Luise I just gave you a plus to cancel out that neg!
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: luise.volta on August 30, 2009, 03:21:39 PM
J2B - In the face of insincerity, I actually feel physically sick. You can't say a word because what is "said" is so sweet. Yuck! Gag!

And I want to go do Karma Pluses all over the place. Thank you for your vote of confidence!
What a great gang we have.
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: SunnyDays09 on August 31, 2009, 07:28:43 AM
Quote from: just2baccepted on August 30, 2009, 12:29:35 PM
My MIL hugs us both and says I love you as well.  When she leaves msgs on our answering machine she say "love y'all."  And I'm like, what?  You love me!  Please!  She tries to subtly cause problems in marriage.  But then I think, well that's the way covert-aggressive people act.  They charm you like crazy to pull you in and then put the thump on you when you're not looking.  At least that's what my MIL does to me.  It makes me sick when she acts all nice to my face because I know how she truly feels about me and the damage that she tries to cause.

Just my rant I guess but Happydays09 I"m not saying at all that's the way your son feels, I just want to make that point.
Why would I take it that way?  I never "acted" nice to her face.  I was nice.  There was no reason not to? 
  Most of the happenings were during their two year engagement.  As I said I removed myself from the situation as soon as they married.  I was never a mil.  During their engagement I was the receiver of the aggression. 
  It goes both ways I guess.  She didn't try to charm tho.  It was WATCH OUT BECAUSE HERE I COME.  And we never gave her any reason to get aggressive.  Never said a word.  Never complained.  I never called them. 
   She really could have had the most perfect relationship with her inlaws.  For we were pretty involved in our OWN lives/business.  Only there if they needed us to be.  :)
 
   
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: luise.volta on August 31, 2009, 09:21:22 AM
I think when you haven't actually experienced it, that pre-meditated" hatred is a hard concept to wrap yourself around. We are all used to cause and effect and look for logic. There is none.

I've experienced what HappyDays is describing. I was despised by my adult step-DIL before we met. I didn't cause it and nothing I have ever done since has ended it. I was christened "the enemy" for reasons of her own and beyond my comprehension. Those of us who have experienced this came forth with no agendas and open hearts.
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: Prissy on August 31, 2009, 10:51:49 AM
It's pressure on our sons to have parents in their lives?  It would not be the same for her.  Never for her. 

People shouldn't hurt other people like this.  It's like a death.

Thank all of you for loving and caring for me.  I know you all have a lot to deal with too.  You all are so kind.

Thank you, Just2be for your prayers. They mean so much.  I'm sure if I can just get through this day, I'll be better.  I always do make it another day. The days just don't seem worth it many times. 
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: just2baccepted on August 31, 2009, 11:11:10 AM
Well Luise I may have to give you million more pluses to cancel out all those other negatives you're getting. I couldn't believe I got on this morning and someone had gone nuts with the negatives.  Well I promise you nothing you've said deserves any negatives!
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: just2baccepted on August 31, 2009, 11:15:53 AM
Happydays09 said: Why would I take it that way?

That's why I say that because I don't want anyone to think that I'm comparing my situation to theirs and for someone to be offended.  I'm just venting like the rest of us.
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: just2baccepted on August 31, 2009, 11:18:45 AM
I think when you haven't actually experienced it, that pre-meditated" hatred is a hard concept to wrap yourself around. We are all used to cause and effect and look for logic. There is none.

Exactly Luise, "pre-meditated hatred" I couldn't have put it better myself.  That is exactly what I think I'm the victim of when it comes to my inlaws.  Very well put!
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: just2baccepted on August 31, 2009, 12:52:47 PM
Men don't see that women like that are in fact manipulative either be it a MIL or DIL acting in such a way. 

A logical person would agree that the 1 and only person who could stop the syndrome would be the male in the picture, sadly men are totally inept and without understanding or unable to reason why or how to handle those kind of woman.  Therefore the syndrome is allowed to go on and on and on.  I am starting to see a pattern from the posts here on this forum.  What is becoming quite the norm our Son's are not dealing with their wives or their mothers.  They have the responsibility to stop the problems.  Either it be with their wives, their mothers whomever is causing the issue they need to grow up, develop some courage and be the men they are supposed to be. Sadly it's not the males frame of mind that that is what men do when coming to women.

Even if a Son does stand up to his wife , 1 of 2 things happen, it makes the marriage stronger or it fails.  If a Son stands up to his Mother he has to then choose if she doesn't comply to live his life w/o her or be in a constant state of turmoil between the 2 women in his life.

There is a lot of pressure on our Son's all the way around.


Exactly!! I couldn't have put it better myself.  And you're right here, about seeing  pattern.  It doesn't matter whether it be DIL or MIL.  Its emotionally damaged people.
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: luise.volta on August 31, 2009, 12:58:29 PM
I have always thought of the DIL as the "Bridge"...but I see what you're saying.

I'm also remembering reading someplace that we have our beliefs and behaviors in place at age seven and what we learn after that builds on that foundation and within those limitations.

It seems to me that very few guys have role models to teach them such skills.

When my former DIL went for supremacy and control I have no idea what went on between them. (I wasn't even invited to their "witnesses only plus one"" wedding.) I seldom saw my son during those years and when I did, he didn't elaborate. At family gatherings she couldn't avoid she wasn't really present...just pretending she was. (You know what I mean; no light behind the eyes and no joy in the smile. Evidencing unexpressed contempt.)

It was something my son got himself into that he had to either work through or end. We were peripheral to all of that, kept our distance and missed him terribly. Only after the fact, did I ever hear anything about how awful it was for him...although I knew it in my heart, of course. While he was married to her, he was totally loyal to her.

I know my son must have suggested counseling more than once, because he told me later that when he gave up and told her he was leaving, she finally agreed to it and he said he was way past the point of no return.

Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: SunnyDays09 on August 31, 2009, 04:04:04 PM
Quote from: just2baccepted on August 31, 2009, 11:15:53 AM
Happydays09 said: Why would I take it that way?

That's why I say that because I don't want anyone to think that I'm comparing my situation to theirs and for someone to be offended.  I'm just venting like the rest of us.

Oh course not.  :)  Not offended.    We are all learning.  Dealing with matters that can become volatile within our "circle".  It is a new frontier with some new DILs for sure.  We plan on happiness, open networks of communication along with understanding, patience and compassion.  We strive for fairness and acceptance as well. 
  Sometimes what we get is the mixed bag of contention, selfishness, misunderstanding and some half truths or out and out fabrications of the truth! 
But we all want for it to be a good, loving solid unit.  Where does it go all terribly wrong?  Why is there jealousy and mistrust and total domination by one or the other spouse? 
   I know when it is the husband we all do what we can when he controls every movement of his wife's.  The way she can dress, speak, who she can befriend.  This one scares us to our inner core. 
But when it's the wife doing the controlling it seems to just turn into the biggest for lack of a better term; cat fight of the century!!  Why is that you think?
   
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: just2baccepted on August 31, 2009, 05:33:42 PM
Very good points Happydays09.  You go into a marriage thinking everything will be fine.  As long as you're nice and respectful everything should work out okay.  Wrong!  I realized that after getting a good dose of reality.  And it certainly sucks.
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: SunnyDays09 on August 31, 2009, 08:50:55 PM
Quote from: just2baccepted on August 31, 2009, 05:33:42 PM
Very good points Happydays09.  You go into a marriage thinking everything will be fine.  As long as you're nice and respectful everything should work out okay.  Wrong!  I realized that after getting a good dose of reality.  And it certainly sucks.
Yes.  This exactly.  That's how it should go too.  I be nice, you be nice.  You be nice, I be nice.  Everybody happy.
   It must be difficult on the sons/husbands being pulled on the left by mom and pull on the right by wifey.   Stuck in the middle not knowing which direction. 
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: luise.volta on August 31, 2009, 09:28:00 PM
Yup, no wonder some do head-in-sand while others pick a side and go to war.
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: SunnyDays09 on September 01, 2009, 06:44:31 AM
You're right luise!  Luck of the draw- we be on the losing side? 
   Perhaps young brides take in too much of the negative stories/jokes about their husband's moms.  For not much is said about HER mother. 
   In my case her mother ran the show.  It was evident.  Even in the maid of honor's toast to new bride and groom.  Their mother was mentioned first!?!  I stopped listening.  I had had enough of the "dominant one" they all spoke of and followed like silly little fools.  Every demand that woman made they were more than happy to oblige.  Oh well. 
   I never dreamed of it being any type of competition certainly not a war.  The girl was around for a couple years before engagement.  She was a member of our family. 
   I am not sure if her mother controlled the vast flow of money to be doled out to the good child but it sure seemed that way.  And that is fine.  But why destroy the relationship between the soninlaw and his mom?  When it was clear this mom wasn't in the competition for SUPREME RULER OF THE NEWLYWEDS?? 
   In my heart of hearts I truly hope they are happy where they are at.  I know they blame me. She takes NO responsibility for her actions/words/etc.  She has gone so far as to say they are all lies (Myspace blog 2008).  Labor with him was a cake walk in comparison to this pain. 
  I didn't see it coming.  I took it for the longest time.  There is no chance of healing.
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: luise.volta on September 01, 2009, 10:29:35 AM
I see and hear healing on your part but no resolution. That makes sense to me. You  got it. You may have started out trusting but you acted in your own best interest by going into survival mode and taking action. My hat is off to you!
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: Prissy on September 01, 2009, 03:45:53 PM
She was around for a couple of years and a member of your family?  Really? How strange. :o

THEY ARE ALWAYS NICE AT FIRST.  They all do that.  You feel used and betrayed.  Nothing worse!!
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: Prissy on September 01, 2009, 03:48:59 PM
Edit:  except the girls on this site!!!! I love them all.
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: SunnyDays09 on September 01, 2009, 07:10:05 PM
Yes. she was.  We welcomed her warmly-open arms, the whole enchilada.  That is why I was in such shock with each new blow she dealt.  Oh well.
   As soon as they were engaged *on my birthday - which at first I thought it was sweet and wonnie wonderful, then boom, it's to get rid of all my dates important to me! - she became this person we did NOT know. 

You are correct Prissy.  They are nice at first.  But we never gave her a reason to change. 
   We were ok before the engagement.  Super.  Then she and her mom began calling the shots and like I said I took it up until the actual wedding for two years!!   
  Me=not too bright.  I kept explaining away all the things she did or said.  I found a reasonable explanation.  Coincidence.  Over and over.  But there was a common thread:  CONTROL.
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: luise.volta on September 01, 2009, 09:45:28 PM
And when that happened to me, I thought "why would anyone want to control me...I'm such a goofus? Where is the challenge and the victory in that?"
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: SunnyDays09 on September 02, 2009, 02:07:08 PM
  Quote:  And when that happened to me, I thought "why would anyone want to control me...I'm such a goofus? Where is the challenge and the victory in that?"


You're not the lone stranger there for sure, Luise.  I felt the same way.  No. No way.  Why?  What in the world?  Why?  Maybe for fun.  See how far this one will go?  Two years they kept it going (oh my!)  What's nice is I am laughing about it now.  This is a good sign!   :D :D :D
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: luise.volta on September 03, 2009, 04:41:46 PM
It's a fantabulous sign!!!!!!
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: just2baccepted on September 05, 2009, 10:13:39 PM
I was recently reading something about narcissistic personality disorder.  I thought that sounded like my MIL. I keep finding all these personality disorders that match my MIL, is that scary or what.

Anyway control is a feature of this disorder.
Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: luise.volta on September 06, 2009, 10:53:45 AM
I had to stop reading those when everyone I knew (including me) seemed to qualify.  :o

Title: Re: MIL hurt her son, more than she hurts me.
Post by: SunnyDays09 on September 06, 2009, 11:08:28 AM
Quote luise.volta  I had to stop reading those when everyone I knew (including me) seemed to qualify.  :o

I am def ROFL!!   Me too!  ALL OF THE LISTS.  I HAVE MADE THEM ALL!!!   :o :D