Hello everyone, I'm hoping you have some advice or words of wisdom for me. I'm a DIL. On the surface I have a decent relationship with my MIL, but under the surface I feel a certain amount of hurt, and am trying hard to not take it personally.
My dh and I have been married for two years. This is the second marriage for both of us. We each have three children from our first marriages. Both of us enjoy joint legal and physical custody of the children, but have them in our home the majority of the time.
My MIL remains very close to my husbands ex-wife. She vacations at MIL's with the kids (MIL lives about 10 hours away from all of us) and her new boyfriend. MIL has flat out told me that the ex wife is her DIL and will always be her DIL, and that she doesn't really care if I have a problem with that. She has many times commented in front of dh and I that his ex is her hero, her best friend, that she loves her more than just about anyone else, etc. My dh is very uncomfortable with the relationship and feels hurt, often that his mom is choosing his ex wife over him. Myself, I'll admit that it hurts me too. I understand that they have history and are close, but they're so close that MIL won't even give me a chance, to get to know me or anything. I'm a good wife to her son, a good step-mom to her grandchildren, and I'd like to think I'm a pretty nice person in general. I'm almost to the point of giving up on trying to break in to her good graces though, because it feels like a lost cause. I'm always going to be the outsider to her, and trying but getting kicked down over and over is getting old.
The only thing I've ever done to her is marry her son. After he and the ex were divorced and she'd purchased and moved in to a new house, he and I met and started dating. When his ex found out he was dating me she begged him to take her back, said she changed her mind and wanted to try again. He said no. So even though I in no way, shape, or form had any part in their divorce, I'm seen as the reason they didn't get back together (that's my opinion, or how I think she feels). My husband is an only child. His ex wife was treated like a daughter.
I get it, I really do, and it's not like I want to try to 'break up' their friendship. What I wonder is if you think I'll ever really have a chance, or should I just get over it, accept it for what it is, and move on? We only see her a few times a year, and I can be pleasant and cheerful for those few days. If it's pointless, though, I don't want to continue to put myself out there. The effort I put into trying would be well spent elsewhere, considering we have six kids we're raising.
Thank you for any insight you can give me.
Welcome Peachykeen :)
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I think you're on the right track. Maybe some day MIL will come around but today is not that day. Being civil and kind when you do see her is a very nice thing to do, especially in light of how she treats you. It says a lot about your character and I think you should continue to do that in her presence. However, when she is not around I think you should clear your mind of it and her.
Welcome, Peachykeen. There are a ton of MILs here who would be more than happy to have you as a DIL! I'm sorry you have to deal with the one you've got.
Your DH is understandably very uncomfortable & hurt, but what does he do to support you in front of her? Has he ever spoken up to his mother regarding her overly close (IMO) relationship w/his Ex & her flat out denial of you as a bona fide DIL?
As with so many of our issues here, the DS is often caught in the middle but doesn't do much to help. Many WW here think DSs are the key.
Thank you for your replies! My husband isn't all that close with any of his family (his dad is deceased, he talks with him mom on the phone once or twice a month and sees her a few times a year - when I see her). He fully supports me as his wife. She (MIL) isn't mean to me - she's cordial and pleasant, but very closed off - reserving any affection she has for his ex wife. My husband hasn't really said anything to his mom about it, because it really doesn't have any bearing on our day to day life, and he's a mind your own business type of guy.
The situation isn't one that I can't live with....but I will potentially spend many years (God willing -with her health and whatnot) in the same family as her, and would love to have a close(r) relationship with her.
Quote from: peachykeen on November 22, 2012, 05:36:50 AMI will potentially spend many years (God willing -with her health and whatnot) in the same family as her, and would love to have a close(r) relationship with her.
For whatever reasons of her own, though, she doesn't want a closer relationship with you. It's sad, but it is what it is, and I think accepting it and moving on is your best bet. Maybe she'll come around, maybe she won't, but you can get to a place where it doesn't really take up much of your emotional energy either way.
If she doesn't want to have a close relationship with you, and she's been clear she doesn't, there's nothing you can do. If you can all be in the same room together and be nice to each other, you might just have to accept that's all you're ever going to get. It'd be a gift for your stepkids to just keep being polite and civil to her. If your husband is hurt by his mother's actions with his ex-wife, it's his issue to take up with his mom. Understandably, you don't want to see him hurt, but getting involved with that may make things worse.
Don't waste your time or energy trying to fix something you have no control over - her not wanting a close relationship with you.
Welcome to this group. I was interested in your post. I had a similar situation actually. I was previously married, and my ex mother in law was one of my very best friends. I helped take care of her as she was dying of cancer. I can understand your feelings about wanting to also be accepted by your mother in law. My "new" mother in law was already headed into dementia problems, so a great relationship with her was not going to be. I did help her when she needed and took care of her after surgeries etc, but I was always closer to my ex mother in law. I can also see where this situation might affect your husband as it is his ex wife. I never thought of what my ex felt, but since he didn't "have time" to care for his dying mother (even though he was living in her home for free), I was glad to do it. I hope your new mother in law will try to treat you with kindness and give your relationship a chance. I must say that if she chooses to keep a relationship with ex daughter in law, I think it should be accepted...but I hope she will give you a fair chance at a friendship as well. I hope I made sense! It was easier on me with my "new" mother in law because my husband never was married before. Best of luck with your situation. J
Hi Peachy - My sympathies. My situation is the mirror image of yours. Only there are no previous marriages or GC involved. I'm the MIL. The DIL treats us as your MIL treats you.
DH and I welcomed the DIL to our family, but she would have none of it. Always civil, but never warm or interested in us in the least. We tried and tried - and finally gave it up. It just isn't worth the effort. We are civil to her for DS sake, but actually don't give a rat's rear end about her. Not after years of being rebuffed. So she wins. She has possession of our son. We tried. She was not at all receptive. We've essentially lost our son, except for robotic interactions.
You tried, the MIL was not receptive. But YOU win. You have possession of her son. My DIL had nothing to lose. She gets our son and has nothing to do with us.
Your MIL, however, has lost a great deal. By freezing you out, she has really damaged if not totally lost her relationship with her son.
Do I think MIL will ever change? No - but that's just my opinion. I wouldn't hold my breath, - it's just not worth it.
Thanks again for the replies. :)
It appears as though the general consensus is to just keep on as I've been - be cheerful and cordial when I need to be, but don't go out of my way to do any extra. Which is hard for me.
Over the holiday this weekend, dh's ex took the kids down to MIL's for a visit. I saw a Facebook exchange between the two of them leading up to this (their pages are both public), in which MIL said something along the lines of dh's ex-wife needing to give her another grandchild. My husband saw it too, and got really, really upset. I have three children (her step-grandchildren) that she very seldom acknowledges unless they're in the same room. My husband has said something to her several times about this, and she's no longer allowed (by my husband) to send gifts for his kids to our home - she sends them to his ex-wife. This came about after she sent his three kids DSI's for Christmas, and my three kids each a set of cheap paintbrushes. >:( My mom goes to such extremes keeping things even and treating her step-grandkids the same as her bio grandkids (every child gets a $50 check for their birthday, there are no extras for her bio gkids), and it upsets my dh horribly that his mom acts as she does in that regard. I try hard to forgive these things, because dh's kids are her ONLY grandkids, so of course she wants to spoil them rotten. If I let myself, though, I can easily become very angry over the slights to my children. Anyway, she's asking her ex-DIL for another grandchild, when she has three sweet kids clamoring to be loved right here.
Thank you all again for your advice and POV!!
I would be angry as well. I try to treat my "step" grandchildren with the same kindness as the others. We refer to them ALL as our grandkids. It is very hurtful to kids to see things like that, and shame on your MIL. I refuse to have a Christmas get together and pass out a nice gift to my own grandkids, and not give the others something equally as nice. That is really mean, and I know how it feels because it happened to me as a child. My own grandmother had a few "favorites" and once when she ever did give me a Christmas gift it was a pair of underpants...but the "favorite girls" got a tank top and bra and panty SET. It sounds petty, but I was a child then and I recall feeling like I was not as good as those other grandkids. If you do for one, do for the others ESPECIALLY if the gift giving is done right in front of all of them...good grief. I take my "step" grandchildren camping just like I do the biological ones, go to birthday parties, etc...equally! So sorry your children have to see this. J
It's a shame your MIL can't see the bonus GCs she's got right in front of her. Especially if and when they're aware of the way they're being treated.
I grew up with a step-GF, who was around before I was born. He was always our Grampy, and never treated us differently. My DF was estranged from his DF, who died when I was a toddler. I suspect even if he had lived longer, we still would not have had a relationship with him.
In our situation now, my DF is remarried and our DS is his only bio-GC (so far). SM has many GCs, but everyone is treated the same. So much so, I didn't find out til well after they were married that one of her GCs was not a bio one. They never ever distinguish between bio or step, and when my stepbrother started dating a girl with a child, they view him as a GC too. All the kids call them by their GP names, regardless who they 'belong' to. I'm thankful that my family has the sense not to put kids in the middle, since they have nothing to do with the choices their parents are making relationship-wise.
Welcome Pk and so sorry your new MIL doesn't see that she can have a great relationship with you as well. I kind of get to see both sides of the situation. I have an ex SIL that was in our family for 20 years. When my brother and her divorced, my Mom still kept her too. Now, she treats new DIL very well but she will always have a special place for Ex-DIL in her heart and still includes her in her life. She's a very good person and was always great to my Mother. There is what I call a "respect" boundary there though. My Mother would never invite Ex-DIL over for let's say, Christmas knowing brother and DIL would be there....things like that. She keeps the relationships seperate out of respect for new DIL.
And I'm in a rather weird situation with my DH. One of his Sisters has remained best friends with his Ex. It's even to the point that his Sis didn't come to Thanksgiving at her Mother's last year, choosing to spend it with his Ex and her new husband's family instead. They talk all the time, hang out constantly and are really close. His Sister treats me ok, but has no desire to be close to me. I get it. Ex was her SIL for many years and they were close. I wouldn't expect her to just drop her and quit being close to her. As long as she's respectful to me and treats me nice, I have no issues with it. It truly is just how it is. So I accept it and accept that her and I will never be really close.
As far as the kids go...now that's a major no-no with me. All children, grandchildren, etc. should be treated equally...no matter what.
Again, thank you for all of the responses. Sadly, I think things are going to shortly come to a head with my dh and his mom. His ex took the kids down to his mom's for Thanksgiving, and has said that she's going to take them again the week before Christmas when she has them. She (ex) recently had a birthday, and I have as well - our birthdays are less than two weeks apart. His mom gave her a beautiful, thoughtful (expensive) gift. She told me happy birthday on Facebook. So that, coupled with the frequent trips down there, have my husband pretty upset. We're supposed to be taking a long weekend to visit her in January or February, but I honestly just don't want to go. I haven't expressed this to my husband, hoping that he'll just call the whole thing off on his own. I'm debating just staying here with my kids and telling him that if he'd like to go and take his kids that's ok with me. I'm pretty certain he wouldn't go without us though, and I don't want to be that wedge or that wicked DIL who won't "allow" her son to visit, kwim?
Part of dh's upset over the extravagant gift for his ex is that his mom has legitimate financial problems (her husband died, she lost nearly everything in Katrina and has a ton of loans, she supports her elderly mom, etc) and we send money every month to help with his grandma and whatever is most pressing. He feels like the money we sent to help most likely went to the gift for his ex, which it probably did, but I guess we can't dictate where the money goes as it's a gift of sorts.
I also have to finish Christmas shopping in the next few days, so that we can get gifts in the mail to arrive in time for Christmas. My husband has a pretty crazy work schedule right now, so shopping for his mom and grandma has been left to me, and I just don't know what to get, or really even want to shop for his mom at least. His grandma has always been so kind to me, calls to chat, has written a letter to my mom, and is just a sweet person. I have no idea what sort of gift to get for a MIL who doesn't even really care to call herself my MIL. :(
Peachykeen - I had wanted to reply to your post earlier, but I didn't get a chance and then too much time had passed.
BUT - I really want to reply to you now.
First off - stop sending your MIL money. Obviously, she's not good with it. If you want to help, then pay her bills DIRECTLY. It's not right for 'your' money to go to extravagant gifts from MIL to ANYONE.
As for MIL's friendship with your DH's ex. Unfortunately for you, she's allowed to be friends with whomever she wants. And if that person is the parent of her GK's, I can see the allure even more so. MIL's only obligation to you is to be civil. You can be the sweetest, perfectly ripe, juiciest peach and there will always be someone who doesn't like peaches.
PK, I have a similar gift-giving dilemma with my DIL. She has made it very clear she doesn't like me. She wants nothing from me that will remind her of me for years to come, so I give her gift cards for either a service or a store she likes.
It's really difficult to deal with people who dislike us. At least you aren't losing anyone if you cut off your MIL. If I cut off my DIL I lose my DS.
Sunshine - it's not that I think of people as possessions. I think it should be easy for two women to love the same man - one as a wife, one as a mother. Totally different facets - no competition - no need for possessiveness. However, if the DIL thinks differently - and some do - then it doesn't work that way.
Some people are possessive and territorial. If a wife is possessive and territorial of her husband, it does cut a lot of people out of his life. Yes, he has a choice to acquiesce (or not) to this possessiveness, and he is responsible for his own choices. But if a wife is possessive and controlling, and the husband goes along with it, then in fact the husband's mother is pretty well cut off. No, it shouldn't be that way. But sometimes it is. And one can blame the DIL - but one also has to say that the son could man up and refuse to submit to such control. But sometimes love is blind. At least he is in love.
By the way, the son and I are NOT estranged. There are no conflicts. He has simply disappeared, except for the occasional robotic interaction. I will always love him - but I will not insert myself into his life when his wife has made it clear she has no interest in his family, and he is devoted to her to the point of nausea.
Sunshine -
Yes, it is a good thing when a spouse values his/her marriage above all else. Fine. But when that territorialism and possessiveness becomes controlling to the point of isolation, it is not good. Many abusers (that is not our situation, however) are so "in love" and possessive that they isolate their spouses, and only years later does the abused spouse's family learn of all the abuse that went on. Isolation is NOT good. Possessiveness to the point of the spouse severing ties with family (absent big problems with family) is NOT good.
My son IS established as a spouse and as an individual. I am NOT worrying about "why this is or who is to blame". It is what it is. I don't worry about it - I long ago accepted it. Please don't attribute attitudes to me that I do not have.
We have given them many chances - and I do not call her names. Don't know where you got that idea.
Maybe you have me mixed up with someone else???
Hi sunshine. I don't see where anyone welcomed you, but if I missed it, I apologize. Please take a moment to read the rules under "Open Me First" that explains how our forum runs and the rules and such....
Maybe, when you are ready, you will share what brought you to the forum? You will find our diverse membership, made up of all kinds of titles, are extremely open minded individuals. It's much easier to take advice from someone when they are willing to share their personal experiences first.
As some one that is walking in the same shoes as Monroe, I can assure you that there are some people that don't have to do anything wrong, intentionally or unintentionally, and can still have problems with another person. It doesn't matter what title that is. A DIL can be wonderful and have a difficult MIL that makes her life hard. Or an MIL can have a DIL that is the difficult person. Or it can be a DD, DS, DH...etc. Sometimes, not matter what you do or don't do, the other person will find fault.
Pooh, I think you hit that nail on the head!!! Thank you once again for your wonderful insights and calming manner.
I am interested in how many points of view this discussion has evidenced. It was started in November of last year, yet it is still of interest. I also want to remind everyone that most of the time when you feel the need to use bold print or caps, it's a good time to step back a bit and take a deep breath. No one is right or wrong here.
And Sunshine, I respectfully ask you to follow through with what Pooh asked you to do, and to not post further until you are sure WWU is a fit. You are very welcome here if you feel that you are comfortable with our Forum Agreement.
I don't remember this post from when it first was posted. Going back to the original situation, I think I can sympathize with the MIL a little bit (tho, not the part about giving unequal gifts to GC and step-GC). Her DS got married, she formed a close relationship with her DIL and then there was a divorce. From a practical matter, it usually behooves the GPs to keep on good terms with their ex-DIL/SIL just in order to keep in touch with the GK as much as possible. First marriages end in divorce around 50% of the time and second ones end in divorce around 70% of the time. I hope the OP beats the odds here, but MIL has a reason to be wary of forming a close bond with her new DIL as well as her step GC. I'm sure there are people on this site who have experienced welcoming a step GC or step child into their hearts, only to be left out in the cold after a divorce. Even if you are wary of forming that bond, tho, there is no excuse for showing favoritism to your blood relations over your step relations when they are underage and living in the same household.
As long as we are all civil to each other, I don't feel there's much to complain about. Many people are hurt when a relative - blood or in-law - doesn't care to form a closer bond. It comes down to those unmet expectations. Come to an acknowledgement that although you are hurt, the other person didn't do anything wrong. Accept that they are different and you can't change them. I have a BIL who is outgoing and friendly. If anyone rebuffs him, he views it as their loss and moves on. No grudges held. I wish I could achieve that.
Peachy, I hope things are going well for you and your husband. As long as he is in your corner, your MIL can give you all the grief in the world and it really is just background noise.
Thanks for filling us in some. Sorry you have long standing issues with your MIL. I understand. I have got to be on both sides myself. I had a very hard to deal with MIL in my first marriage of 21 years. Now I have a wonderful MIL with the 2nd marriage. I also have 2 DILS. One is a joy and easy to get along with and the other has shut us out of their lives and was a very difficult person.
I also agree with you that the person has to want to change. Many of our problems here, with whatever the title, is that one side is willing to change and compromise, the other is not. That is where the relationship comes to a standstill or non-existent for most of us. I like to think of myself as a willow tree. I can bend and bend and bend, but at some point, even I have a breaking point.
I'll never understand it. I guess I liken it to my two best friends. They are totally opposite in nature and personality, but each have great points. I love them both, even though one is easier to get along with. It takes some work to get along with the other one, simply because she is just a more difficult person (stubborn, hot-headed, likes drama), but they are both good people. And the other is just a go-with-the-flow type person and nothing rattles her.
So even though they are so different, we all get along because we accept our differences and overlook each other's flaws. My difficult MIL would never except that we were different people and it was her mission to mold me into something I wasn't. Her Son could do no wrong....ever. If he was to rob a bank, she would have come up with some excuse of how it wasn't his fault. So she constantly told me I needed to lighten up on him. Yes, you are right.....it's ok that he will not work and lay on the couch all day watching television while I work two jobs and take care of two children....whatever was I thinking. :)
I too had a less than welcoming MIL the first time around. My dad's mom was horrid to my mom, so I knew first hand and from close observation how not to treat a DIL. My second MIL could have used our different belief systems to ostracize me but instead she treated me so well I honestly believed she respected and loved me. Whether or not she really did I'll never know. I figured I'd follow 2nd MIL's example and accept whomever my DS married.
Well, my DIL and her FOO hate us (nothing we've done or said according to DIL, just who we are), which makes things tense and strange in our relationship with DS. It's sad, we miss him heaps, but all we can do is move on. I will likely never have a satisfying answer as to why some people get to make choices that affect others so deeply, and why some of us are left with no options other than heading off into the sunset.
Wow, so many replies!! Thank you all for the advice and your thoughts. I have put a lot of thought into everything over the last few months, and have more or less decided to live my life as I would, if that involves MIL fine, and if not I'm not really missing out on much. I don't remember if I said in the original post, but both my family and my dh's family live a good distance from us. Vacations and holiday travel are split between my family and his. We went to MIL's for a visit this spring and things were civil and polite, I can't ask for much more than that. I did overhear a telephone conversation she had while we were there - through no sneakiness or snooping, I was sitting on the front porch with coffee watching the kids play and she was just inside the window...I think she may have had me overhear on purpose. Anyway, she was saying that it must be my fault that we didn't visit more often, and how dare I keep her son away from her, and that she was just waiting for either he or I to say SOMETHING (?) so that she could go off on us. While it made my blood boil, I didn't say anything to her or to my dh about it, and finished the trip respectfully and politely.
My dh is a grown man. Even before I knew him, he visited her only once or twice a year. He knows he's more than welcome to go down to see her any time he wants to - just as I'll go see my family if I want to, whether he can or wants to come or not. I never try to influence him one way or the other, but if he wants to go and I have something in conflict I have no problem bowing out. If he chooses not to go that's his choice. But in her eyes it's my fault....I guess there's nothing I can do about that.
Gifting hasn't changed....maybe it's not so in your face to my kids. She sends the over the top gifts and loads of cash to dh's kids at their mom's house with instructions to shhhh, it's a secret. Of course, the kids blab so we end up finding out about it. We have stopped sending money, stopped shortly after my original post. Instead, when we to visit I fill his grandma's freezer and pantry for her.
I'm quite happy in my life. My husband and I are very much enjoying the life we've built and continue to build together. I've more or less adopted the attitude that since I'm not considered the DIL I have no obligation to fulfill the DIL duties - my dh's ex wife is her DIL as far as she's concerned, so she can do the DIL things. In some ways it makes my life a lot easier that she feels and acts the way that she does, because I don't have to really deal with her at all, save the time or two a year we see her. No phone calls or kid updates, no helping out as I would happily help out my MIL. I get to focus on my life and my family, and am happy that way. Dh acts and says he's very happy with how things are right now as well - he doesn't love the relationship his mom has with his ex but he can't change it, and is content with how things stand now.
Sounds to me like your are dealing extremely well. Sending love...
"Anyway, she was saying that it must be my fault that we didn't visit more often, and how dare I keep her son away from her, and that she was just waiting for either he or I to say SOMETHING (?) so that she could go off on us."
If I would ever over hear a conversation like that,...my blood would boil too. ??? Hats off to you that you were able to keep your mouth shut. I'm sure that took a lot of control, but it was probably the wisest thing to do.
It seems to me there is a lot of hurt going around. There is a difference between feeling snubbed and reacting to that,...which apparently your DIL is doing, or being plain mean. If you look at the problem from a new perspective, maybe you have a chance to soften your DIL up. What if you visited her alone and simply laid everything out on the table. If you start with how you can understand her disappointment that her son divorced a DIL, who she really loved, but you can't understand, why she feels you are responsible for that; it may just help to confirm her feelings. Just tell her how you feel, and she will tell you how she feels, and either you get closer - or not. If not; ...well then you haven't lost anything either.
On the other hand, if you are happy the way things are, then good for you. You are right, it releases you from any responsibilities when she may need help.
I think you are dealing perfectly! (and yes, you have a major sense of self control after hearing that).
Things are continuing to go relatively smoothly here. :) We are planning to spend the Christmas holiday at MIL's home this year. I'm afraid it's going to be a very long five days though. I've already started a list of things to do, to keep busy and pass the time there. Baking projects with the kids, crafty things, etc. Strangely enough, I don't feel the anxiety that I usually do leading up to these visits. I think it's in large part because I just really don't care anymore. I don't really care if she likes me...I don't even really care if she's nice to me. I fully intend to arrive, be courteous, keep myself busy, and stay out of her way. I'm sure when she talks to all of her people she'll say that I was rude, but I don't really care about that either.
I honestly thinks she takes a fair amount of joy out of me trying to befriend her and getting to shoo me off. I guess maybe it's an ego boost or something to get to continually reject me? Of course, when I don't try to make friends and play nice I'm rude or mean. I can't win either way it seems.
My dh and I don't talk about the whole situation at all any more, mostly because we just don't waste any time or energy dealing with it. I remind him to call her every few weeks, and when her birthday rolls around I ask him if he'd like me to send flowers. He and I, and the kids, have a lot of really good, exciting things going on in our lives, and they keep us very busy. She probably thinks I'm plotting against her, or trying to turn her son against her, but I'm not. I just simply gave up on caring about the whole mess.
Sometimes, and this is just my opinion, I think people are so miserable in their own lives they want to drag everyone down with them. Plus, they've griped about the situation to whomever will listen to them so much, they have to come up with things to make what they said true. So be mean, critical, etc. and if they get a reaction, "See, I told you how they are!". If they don't get a reaction, "See, I tried to be nice. See how rude they are!"
My take is others are how they are and so are we. When it works, it's great...when it doesn't, we have to decide what works for us. My hat is off to you for agreeing to the 5 day thing and for your plan on how to survive it. I wouldn't go there...but that's just me. Rejection takes me down like nothing else does and I'm paralyzed. I've learned to protect myself from it whenever possible. Sending love...
Yup, if someone has an agenda there really isn't anything you can do to change their minds. You can only take care of yourself and your reactions. Having a plan for activities is a great idea!