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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: Mamiof2 on February 08, 2012, 08:50:51 AM

Title: DIL jealous of MIL relationship with SIL
Post by: Mamiof2 on February 08, 2012, 08:50:51 AM
I have two issues which i'd like to address. First of all I've never had the mother-daughter bond.  I am so jealous of my MIL and SIL (husband's sister) relationship and compare everything my MIL does for her daughter and her kids to what she does for my husband and our kids. It's just not fair the way she treats her daughter.Part of it is my lack of a relationship. I wish I could have a relationship like this. But the other part is my anger towards her because she makes it so obvious that she prefers her daughter to my husbnad. In her house she has about 8 pictures hung up of her daughter and husband and only 2 pictures hung up of her son. it's not until i said something that she put up pictures of us. I really don't know how to deal.I dont want to make my husband feel bad when i point these things out but it makes me so mad and ive told her before that she has two kids not just one. and if thats the what she wants is to only recognize one child than thats fine and we wont be in her life. She even cuts her daughter a bday cake every year and mind you her daughter is 8 years older than my husband and my husband doesn't get anything for his birthday. I would love for her to treat my husband the same way she treats her daughter and while i do believe that i am also a little jealous of the relationship she has with her daughter i don't think its fair to blatanly show a preference or show your kids that you have a favorite.
This whole thing with my MIL brings a lot of trouble to our marriage. We argue about it all the time. The solution for me is staying away. I don't go to my MIL's house anymore and anytime they invite us we make an excuse not to go. My husband is perfectly fine with this but my MIL calls me because my husband wants nothing to do with her and even changed his # not to be bothered. Im not sure if he did this so the arguments can stop between us or if he really wants nothing to do with her. My SIL on the other hand doesn't see anything wrong with what her mother does and just stopped speaking to me for taking my husbands side. Its just drama after drama. I don't even know what to do anymore.
Title: Re: DIL jealous of MIL relationship with SIL
Post by: luise.volta on February 08, 2012, 09:05:27 AM
Welcome -  My take is that what your MIL does is about her and has nothing to do with you. And, at the same time, how you react has everything to do with you and is not about her. I'd start by looking closely at that. Then, decide what your want to do and know that if you let the rest of it get to you...you are just hurting yourself. It took a very long time, for or me personally, to get that I am not helpless or at the effect of others. I'm in charge of how I feel and what I do...and thinking otherwise was a denial of responsibility that allowed me to blame them for my own shortcomings and the need to face them. Sending love...
Title: Re: DIL jealous of MIL relationship with SIL
Post by: Sassy on February 08, 2012, 10:08:31 AM
There's a saying that might be helpful to apply here, "Fair doesn't mean equal."  I don't know if MIL put up exactly four pictures of each, and made exactly one cake each, if that would relieve your suffering.  I do know we give our power away when we make how we feel dependent on what other people choose to do for themselves.

I didn't see anything written here that indicates MIL is doing anything to be cruel.  When something was said to her about the pictures she chose for her home, she hung some more up.  She heard you, and she responded. 

QuoteI dont want to make my husband feel bad when i point these things out

Obviously there's a past that happened long before DH got married.  As a mother of adult children she's known for decades, MIL can probably sense what her DD needs, and sense what her DS needs.   In that case, "fair" doesn't mean equal in a quantifiable sense.   

From my own life as an adult child:  My parents have been loaning my sister a lot of money. My sister's in graduate school.  I am not.  I do not feel neglected because the way they can help my sister is different than the way they can help me.  I don't feel she's the favorite based on their efforts to make her life better for her.   I also don't feel that by doing what they can for my sister, they are in turn creating a debt to me to do the same.  We're all adults.  I am pleased that my sister is able to persue deeper study of what she's so good at, and I am grateful that my parents can and will help her do it.  At the same time, I am also grateful I don't need the same from them.  It makes me feel really, really good not to need their help.   As adult children, I've accepted long ago that we're as different as any individuals are.

My guess is your MIL probably can't sense the emotional needs as much with a DIL she hasn't known nearly as long as her kids.   I suspect MIL doesn't realize that a DIL would have needs expressed as being on behalf of her husband as her child.  Since DH didn't notice these things himself, he didn't feel neglected, and only feels bad about his M when a disparity is pointed out, then it appears MIL's instincts in regards to his needs as an adult were accurate. 

It's ironic because the very first thing I thought about the birthday cake was MIL would not make DH a cake out of courtesy, because she wouldn't want to risk stepping on his wife's toes!  If MIL tends towards traditional gender roles, it seems possible that MIL thinks her DD's husband probably would not bake a cake.  But her DS, he has a woman in his life who would take joy in doing that for him, and why would MIL do for him when he has someone in his life to do it.

There's only so much we can learn in one post of course.  Maybe your DH has expressed to you a lifetime of feeling neglected and second-rate, and perhaps that part wasn't touched on here yet.  But from what I read, it seems that there is no cruelty, or even rudeness, and that MIL, SIL and DH had been functioning in a way that worked for them.

Since the efforts you have taken with the IL relationship so far aren't working for you, (hence why you're here - and Welcome! by the way!)  I'm wondering if there's some exploring to be done more directly with your own mother-daughter relationship, in a safe way and maybe with supportive outside guidance, that could help you find the peace you seek.   

Bright blessings.
Title: Re: DIL jealous of MIL relationship with SIL
Post by: Pooh on February 08, 2012, 10:54:25 AM
Welcome Mamiof2. Please read the two posts under Open Me First. One is the Forum Agreement which has to be a fit for this to work...and the other is How This Happened...our history. Nothing wrong with your post, we just ask all new members to do this. 

I love what Sassy had to say.  I was thinking a couple of things while reading your post.  One, you said when you pointed out to DH does that mean he wasn't thinking anything about it until it upset you?  The other thing that hit me was when you said you didn't know if DH wasn't speaking to her because of stopping arguements with you or if she did something.  That was very honest of you to think of that. 

I will tell you from someone that has a really close relationship with her Mother and has a brother, that my Mother did do more for me and my kids than he got.  It isn't that she loves me any more, or my children any more than she loves him and his children just as much.  My brother and her get along great.   It was the fact, just as Sassy said that she was trying to respect that he had a wife and didn't want to take anything away from him.  Birthdays she was assuming his wife would take him to dinner or cook for him, so she just sent a present.  Me?  She would take me to lunch at my favorite restaurant, show up with a gift and bake me my favorite cake since childhood.  She knew that my DH would probably buy me a gift and take me to dinner, but wouldn't really put anything much into making me feel special.  She and I also talk about everything.  From girl issues, PMS, childbirth, etc...things my brother would die if she brought up to him.  I just think it's easier for a Mother to ask her daughter, "So did your cramps ever let up?" than it is to ask her son, "So how'd that vasectomy go?"   There conversations are mostly about his job, car...guy world.  She also tells me all kinds of family stories, things about my aunt twice removed on my grandpa's side that married into the family  :o  I imagine my brother would run screaming with agony if she tried to tell him things like that and she knows it. 

I'm not downplaying how you are feeling, I just think since you started with you never had the Mother/Daughter bond that I wanted you to know, sometimes it's not about favorites, or love or meaning to come across that way, but about who they can communicate and share better with.  I would like to hear more of if MIL has really done anything to you personally or been purposefully cruel because I would also say if she picked up a tense vibe from you in the past, could it be that she didn't really know she was doing something wrong and thought maybe backing off in case she had overstepped her place?

I say that because I am sure my DIL thought I overstepped many times, when I wasn't doing it on purpose.  Some of us have a tendency to think we are helping when maybe we are not in the other person's eyes.
Title: Re: DIL jealous of MIL relationship with SIL
Post by: Sassy on February 08, 2012, 11:17:34 AM
Another saying that might provide some insight and comfort is "the squeaky wheel gets the grease."  When SIL is squeaking, there's no reason for MIL to pour grease all over DH as well.  In fact, it could very well be annoying!

If my parents tried to give me money I would be angry, insulted and annoyed.  The message I'd hear is "You can't make it on your own".  Even if the "reason" they state is because they gave some to my sister.  I don't want their relationship with my sister to determine how they treat me.  To me, that's not fair.  I want to be treated like me!  I don't want to be treated like my sister, just because I have a sister.

I've got some thinking points I'm going to phrase as questions, not because I expect you to answer them all. They're phrased as questions merely as a result of my limited bloggy writing style.

What did/does DH do for MIL's birthday?  Did DH bake MIL a cake for MIL's birthday?    The concept of "the same" would make far more sense to apply to a mutual relationship with each other, than to relationships with other parties.  How many pictures of MIL has DH selected himself, framed and hung up in his house?  I am assuming at least two, since that was what was expected of him to be framed at MIL's house.

If the triangle of "the same" is applied to relationships with others, then that too would be mutual as well. Does DH treat MIL "the same" way SIL treats MIL?  Did DH call MIL several times as day, if he heard SIL was calling MIL that often?  Did DH ask MIL's opinion on how to decorate his house or about what shoes he should buy?  Did DH pick up little things at the market he though MIL would enjoy snacking on or cooking with?  Did DH make sure he had a 55 minute phone call with his mother, each and every time he learned SIL had such a call with her? 

That's a problem inherent in setting the standard as "the same."   In my opinion, if MIL and SIL go shopping at the mall, DH shouldn't have to go to Nordstrom's with MIL too, to make all "the same".   Because people aren't the same.  That's why every relationship is different.  (And it's why the world is so interesting!)

QuoteI would love for her to treat my husband the same way she treats her daughter

Does your husband feel this, too?  To me, how the two people who are actually interacting feel about it, would seem to take a precendence.  If it hasn't felt hurtful or abusive to DH or MIL, it is extremely hard, probably impossible, for a third person to attempt to orchestrate what two other people should do for each other.

I am very sorry to read this brings trouble to your marriage.  I think I need to know more to understand how it does. I am unclear about how youargue with your husband all the time about this.  What are the arguements about? Is it the same arguement over and over?  I can't tell if you're telling him he should feel hurt, or gypped and argue with him when he doesn't.  I can't tell if you expect him to feel the same anger you do.   


Again, please don't take all my questions literally as questions asked to you.  These are the things I am wondering about that could provide insight to what's going on.  Of course, share only what you want here, as always.
Title: Re: DIL jealous of MIL relationship with SIL
Post by: Mamiof2 on February 08, 2012, 11:23:49 AM
Sassy, I agree with you when you said "fair doesn't mean equal in a quantifiable sense." You are so right and I think I tend to make comparisons in this way. I think I am hurting my husband when in fact he hasn't felt as much neglect as I thought. Don't get me wrong he has mentioned to me the unfairness he feels and that his sister is the favorite, but I guess I was wrong for pointing out additional things to him that I picked up on. The birthday cake is something he mentioned to me and this was way before we were even married. I think it hurts my husband that his M makes such a big fuss, inviting people over to cut her DD a cake for her birthday and for her son she never did it even before we were married. I guess he sees some differences where there shouldn't really be one, whether it is a mother/daughter or mother/son thing. I just believe there are some things that if done for one child should be done for all your children. And i am referring to young aged-children not adult children. Now he is an adult and I can see why she wouldn't cut him a cake but would for her daughter. Because it is my duty and i love it. She is not a cruel person. In fact she is very kind to me but I just decided to keep my distance so that it wont bother me. Most of the time she treats me like a daughter but it seems that she will drop us the second her daughter needs her. MY DH and I go out our way to help and even help her out financially more than her daughter and I feel like why should we always give 100% if she can drop us the minute her daughter needs her.
I remember the time I just gave birth to my son and DH had to leave to work so she stayed with me to help me. Her daughter called for her to accompany her and the kids to the zoo and she left me. I couldn't walk up and down the stairs with the baby because of my stitches and had to stay upstairs the whole day until someone could stay with the baby. I hadn't eaten all day and that was my 1st day home with the baby. Another instance is when I broke my ankle and was in crutches  and my son was only 5 months old. She didn't come to help me. And she doesn't work or anything. Come to think about it she doesn't owe me anything but i just thought since the baby is her GC she would help me. There are many instances where this happened but now I notice they have nothing to do with her son just me and I am nothing to her so I shouldn't take it personally. Maybe it's me she doesn't like and just puts up a front to keep her son close because she knows in order to keep her son close she has to be nice to me. I don't know....

Thank you for your comment. You've given me such good advice and good feedback. You don't know how much I appreciate this. 
Title: Re: DIL jealous of MIL relationship with SIL
Post by: lancaster lady on February 08, 2012, 11:26:12 AM
Hi Mami and Welcome ,

My take is that if your DH isn't worried or upset about his treatment from his DM , then it shouldn't
bother you .
How does she treat you and your kids ?
My DS is married with a DD but my DD isn't .
However I'm sure that if and when she does get married I will be more involved with her
and her family than my DS.
Some DIL's on this forum don't want their MIL involved in their lives at all , it's just a way of life
IMO that Moms are more involved with their daughters than their sons .
Title: Re: DIL jealous of MIL relationship with SIL
Post by: Mamiof2 on February 08, 2012, 11:46:14 AM
POOH- Thank you for your comment. You bring some light into the situation.
Like i was telling Sassy she treats me like a daughter most of the time. We used to speak everyday and can even spend hours on the phone. We've talked about everything, from her family to my family to her daughter, to her son-in-law etc. I guess what bothers me is that she can treat me like a daughter for some things and for other things not.  My friend once told me its nice that she treats me like a daughter when its convenient for her but all the times i've really needed her she's never been there for me. And i find some truth in that statement because when it comes to taking her shopping, or paying her credit card bill, or picking her up from her daughter's house to take her home (after she just finished spending time with her daughter's family not ours), or giving her $ when she really needs it, or consoling her because she finds out her husband (who left her 10 years ago) is playing her again, i'm always there. I'm not saying her daughter isn't there because i am sure she is but I am too. But when I've really needed her for example recuperating from giving birth to my two children, recuperating from a broken ankle, etc. she has not been there for me.
I understand totally that she has a different relationship with her DD than she does with her DS, but she makes me feel like a daughter sometimes and others I just feel like a typical DIL.
Title: Re: DIL jealous of MIL relationship with SIL
Post by: Pooh on February 08, 2012, 11:57:13 AM
Bless your heart.  I do think that was very wrong of her to come over to help you and then just up and leave to go to the zoo with DD.  She should have told DD she couldn't because she was helping you. 

I also think the more "needy" children seem to get more of some Mother's attention.  I was like Sassy, I never asked or got money from my parents once I was on my own.  I never asked for anything but when my brother moved out, I think he borrowed money from them at least 10 times but I didn't expect it because he got it.  I was proud of myself for making it and not having to ask.  Looking back now though, my Mother let him borrow money but yet she brought me "things" all the time.  She would come to my apartment with a laundry basket full of cleaning supplies and say she had hit a "buy one get one free" sale and wouldn't possibly use them all.  She would bring me diapers when the kids were born saying she found them dirt cheap.  She knew I would never ask and it was probably her way of contributing to me without me feeling like she was.  Ha ha...sometimes I realize I'm so stupid about things til much later.  She never brought him "things" probably because she felt like he needed to do better about managing his money.  So I'm sure I did get more stuff from her than he did.

Title: Re: DIL jealous of MIL relationship with SIL
Post by: Mamiof2 on February 08, 2012, 12:13:52 PM
Hi Sassy,
What did/does DH do for MIL's birthday?  Did DH bake MIL a cake for MIL's birthday?   
For MIL bday we take her out to dinner. Her DD didn't use to do anything for her until her mother complained to her that we take her out and she (DD) never does.

How many pictures of MIL has DH selected himself, framed and hung up in his house? He has one picture up of his M. Her DD has none.

Does DH treat MIL "the same" way SIL treats MIL?  DH doesn't treat her the same. He rarely calls her. But that might be because I call her everyday and let him know how she is doing and what is new in her life.   
Did DH pick up little things at the market he though MIL would enjoy snacking on or cooking with?  He doesn't but I do. I make a list of anything she needs or call her from the market and ask her if she needs anything.

Does your husband feel this, too?  DH feels this way to a certain extent but like I said I did point some things out to him which i shouldn't have. My MIL is obsessed with her daughter. She even told me that her husband left her because she was taking too much care of her son-in-law. She even told me that her son-in-law can't stand her now and treats her bad but that in the past she loved her son-in-law as much as her son or even more than her son. Those were her exact words. So you tell me if there is anything wrong there.

What are the arguements about? Most arguments are about how she treats her DD and DD's kids differently from us and his solution is to just not speak to them anymore. Other arguments are because he doesn't feel hurt when I think he should or he doesn't see the things that I see because he is hardly with them. I am the one they call to see how DH is doing, or when they need a favor, or when they want to invite us somewhere. Basically if it wasn't for me they would see DH twice a year and they are aware of this. That is just how DH is even before we were married. DH was in bad shape before we married and everyone in his family thanks me and tells me that he is turning his life around thanks to me. I've worked so hard to keep my family on track and believe that it is because of my MIL negligence as a child that he is the way he is.


Title: Re: DIL jealous of MIL relationship with SIL
Post by: luise.volta on February 08, 2012, 12:26:00 PM
He is the way he is...or he's turning his life around? Sounds to me like he isn't that way he was any longer. That's great. He's so lucky to have you and to experience your caring. Healing so often follows that.
Title: Re: DIL jealous of MIL relationship with SIL
Post by: Mamiof2 on February 08, 2012, 12:31:52 PM
Hi Pooh,

Sometimes I think its her ignorance that makes her the way she is. I forgot to mention that two years ago I made reservations for DD, MIL, and two cousins of mine to come to dinner for my bday. MIL told me that she had to go to a babyshower the day of my bday and that we all had to go to the babyshower. I told her that I already had my bday plans and wouldn't be able to attend but would take her off the reservation and she proceeded to tell me that my bday was not that important anyway and that we could celebrate it any time. Its things like this that have caused me to keep my distance and back off.
Thank you for your feedback. I really appreciate it. :)
Title: Re: DIL jealous of MIL relationship with SIL
Post by: luise.volta on February 08, 2012, 12:35:13 PM
I consider my birthday a National Holiday and don't expect the bank or post office to be open!  8)
Title: Re: DIL jealous of MIL relationship with SIL
Post by: Mamiof2 on February 08, 2012, 12:39:27 PM
Louise, Our birthdays are always special and it proves who is really there for you if they can join in the celebration ;D
Seeing another year is something to celebrate!  :)
Title: Re: DIL jealous of MIL relationship with SIL
Post by: Pooh on February 08, 2012, 12:45:15 PM
So it has always been this way between DS and DD?  Even growing up? (since you said MIL neglience as a child he is the way he is).  I was taking your posts to mean that since they have been adults.
Title: Re: DIL jealous of MIL relationship with SIL
Post by: Mamiof2 on February 08, 2012, 12:45:56 PM
Also Louise, you are right, DH is changing and is no longer that person he used to be. He is still making progress. I am trying to get him to be more responsible and more considerate for example, if someone calls you return the call. He didn't even call his mom to wish her a happy new year. My MIL told me i'm the only one who called her. Her DD , DS, or son-in-law didn't call her. These are things i am trying to show him. As you can see neither him nor his sister were taught this sense of consideration/responsibility. My parents called DH for his bday and left him a message and he never returned the call to thank them for the birthday wishes. But he has changed for the better and is still changing :)
Thank you for your kind words.
Title: Re: DIL jealous of MIL relationship with SIL
Post by: Mamiof2 on February 08, 2012, 12:50:32 PM
Pooh, since I've met the family it has been this way and from what I can see and have heard there is an obvious difference which there shouldn't be between child siblings. My DH always told me the last time his mom cut him a cake was for his 9th birthday. For him to bring this up or even remember that means that it hurt him. Again, this one example.
Title: Re: DIL jealous of MIL relationship with SIL
Post by: luise.volta on February 08, 2012, 12:51:14 PM
Some people don't feel that way about birthdays. My "ex" didn't because he got beat up at his own birthday party by some boys who thought "spanking" him was fun...and he never got over it. For me, growing up in the worst of the depression, it was the only day anyone made a fuss over me. LOL! My son, Kirk, comes over from Hawaii for my birthday and stays a month - I  sure brought him up right! :-))
Title: Re: DIL jealous of MIL relationship with SIL
Post by: Pooh on February 08, 2012, 01:02:15 PM
What about your DH's personality?  Is he a more affectionate or standoffish personality than your DD?  Sorry, you don't have to answer these things unless you want.  I have two sons.  One was always an affectionate child, wanting to cuddle and hug on you, and the other more a hands off personality that liked being alone reading books.  The affectionate one always wanted to be around you, helping and doing things and the older would rather read, or sit and do a science project.  I often wonder if now they look back and think that I spent more time and affection on the younger one.  Which I did because he liked it.  We have learned here, that children often have a different perception as adults of what the actual reality of their childhoods were. Not all of them, just sometimes. 

I remember when they were teenagers, I'm talking like 16 and 15, I was making pancakes.  I made my 15 year olds in the shape of a dinosaur because he loved them like that when he was younger, just to be funny.  My older looked at his normal round ones and said, "How come he got animals?"  I just kind of laughed because he didn't remember telling me when he was about 7, that he was too old for animal shaped pancakes and wanted his round from now on.  I told him from now on, he would get animals.  The younger one would still laugh today if I made him dinosaurs.  Just different personalities.
Title: Re: DIL jealous of MIL relationship with SIL
Post by: Mamiof2 on February 08, 2012, 01:03:36 PM
Sassy, I forgot to mention that not because my MIL has 8 pictures of her DD that she must have 8 pictures of her DS as well. But as a mother there are some things that I wouldn't do so not to give one child the feeling that I prefer one over the other. These are childhood pictures and special occasion pictures i.e wedding, graduation, sweet 16 etc. Both children celebrated weddings and graduations why not put both pictures for both kids. A sweet 16 on the other hand is just celebrated by a daughter so that is understandable. but a wedding picture or a graduation picture?
Let me give you another example DH and i gave MIL two pictures of my son. One of my son with her DD and the other of just my son. Would you believe that the one of my son and her DD she put on the fridge and the other photo of my son alone she put away in her drawer.
Title: Re: DIL jealous of MIL relationship with SIL
Post by: luise.volta on February 08, 2012, 01:08:04 PM
My take: Her choice. Her house. She gets to be the way she is.
Title: Re: DIL jealous of MIL relationship with SIL
Post by: Doe on February 08, 2012, 01:10:16 PM
Hi Mamiof2-

I got a little confused reading all the detail but I do wonder this.

I think you don't like her personally but you really want a MIL/DIL relationship.  Is that right?  If she changed overnight and started loving on you and DH like you want, do you really like her as a person?

I think I'm getting that you have an ideal MIL in mind and she's not it - is that right?
Title: Re: DIL jealous of MIL relationship with SIL
Post by: Mamiof2 on February 08, 2012, 01:13:42 PM
Pooh, DH is affectionate with me but not with anyone else. He won't even sit and tell him if anything is wrong. He keeps things bottled in. Only a select few have really seen him upset because to the world he is always smiling and always happy. But when he is upset he blows up because he keeps things bottled in for so long. Ive never heard him telling his mom love you, or hugging her. or saying sorry for something.
I agree with you, I don't think the pancake situation is showing favoritism. Its a funny story :) thanks for sharing.
Title: Re: DIL jealous of MIL relationship with SIL
Post by: Mamiof2 on February 08, 2012, 01:25:00 PM
Hi Doe,
Over time I've sort of given up on her. I loved her so much, maybe too much. I found myself doing things for her that I've never done for my own parents.
To answer your question, if she changed overnight and started loving us like i want, I'd probably take her in with open arms. But sooner or later it will be too late and maybe I wont let these things bother me. Like everyone has told me I cannot change her so my hope is to move on and not let this bother me anymore :)

How could you think that I don't like her? What made you think that? I think I like her too much.
Title: Re: DIL jealous of MIL relationship with SIL
Post by: Mamiof2 on February 08, 2012, 01:26:06 PM
You are right louise and thats why I choose to keep my distance.
Title: Re: DIL jealous of MIL relationship with SIL
Post by: Pooh on February 08, 2012, 01:38:00 PM
I appreciate you taking the time to share and answer.  I am sorry that you seem to be trying so hard and don't feel like she is trying.  It's always very nice to see DILs wanting to have a relationship with their MIL.
Title: Re: DIL jealous of MIL relationship with SIL
Post by: Sassy on February 08, 2012, 01:48:13 PM
Oh my I have to run.  But thank you M for answering so honestly, thoughtfully and carefully.  I understand much better now.  You seem like a really warm DIL and mom.   I understand what you are going through.  It stinks!  I will take in what you said.  But I wanted to write back and say I am so glad you came here and shared your story.  I think you will be a beautiful fit for this group of ladies and through the very unique love you'll find here, and your thoughtfulness, honesty, self-reflection and your good heart, I believe you will continue to grow and begin to heal.  Things are looking good for you my new friend.

I will think about this and hopefully have time to be back in my favorite place again tomorrow.  Love, Sassy
Title: Re: DIL jealous of MIL relationship with SIL
Post by: Mamiof2 on February 08, 2012, 01:57:26 PM
Sassy, Thanks so much for your kind words. You ladies have made me feel so welcomed. I've been stuck to the computer all day responding and reading stories on this forum. I am so behind today and am only now getting to cooking dinner hahaha. Hopefully we will speak tomorrow. Good day everyone!
Title: Re: DIL jealous of MIL relationship with SIL
Post by: pam1 on February 09, 2012, 07:42:34 AM
Mamiof2, welcome :)

I really like what all the other ladies had to say.  They made a lot of sense and it's stuff I can use in my own sitch too.

It's pretty similar here, DHs upbringing/household was female dominated and they still act this way today.  The SILs and MIL wants have come before DHs (and FIL/BILs) needs at times.  Their opinions and comfort levels are typically ignored.  They are brushed off as "boys will be boys" the girls are smarter therefore know better and know what the family should be doing.

In a way I see it so much more distinctly than DH b/c I did not grow up like this and then I am bothered more about it than him at times.  He is used to it and has a tougher skin to it however it still doesn't stop me for hurting for him.  I'm still in the process of trying to detach. 

There are a couple of things that help.  We expect nothing from them.  Nothing.  We do not look to them for any kind of support, to save ourselves the hurt.  We make our own family, which includes us and friends who can be relied on to be that type of support and we can give back too. 




Title: Re: DIL jealous of MIL relationship with SIL
Post by: Mamiof2 on February 09, 2012, 08:46:18 AM
Hi Pam, thank you for your input. I too am in the process of detaching myself. My SIL has recently stopped speaking to me because my DH is very upset with his mother for not picking up or returning our calls when we really needed her. And because I am sort of in the middle of everything she has totally stopped speaking to me. I miss her because we were beginning to get really close but theres nothing I can do. I have learned not to expect anything from them and not to ask for any favors. I am even trying to go as far as not accepting any favors from my MIL. I am purely keeping my distance and letting myself get used to not speaking to them. It feels like I lost two friends and like any other relationship we lose we must take time to mourn/move on. So thats where I am now.
Title: Re: DIL jealous of MIL relationship with SIL
Post by: pam1 on February 09, 2012, 09:11:55 AM
Mami, good for you :) 

My SILs only speak to me and DH when they want something from me at this point.  Oh well, I figure it's their loss.  I wish the relationships were different but more importantly, I wish it for DH.  He's lost a lot of respect for a few of his family members and I don't know that it will ever come back. 
Title: Re: DIL jealous of MIL relationship with SIL
Post by: Pooh on February 09, 2012, 12:09:05 PM
Did you ever discuss with MIL about her leaving you alone and going to the zoo?  I'm curious to know because I want to know what her answer was if you did.  I can't imagine even coming up with a good answer to that.
Title: Re: DIL jealous of MIL relationship with SIL
Post by: Pen on February 09, 2012, 11:31:43 PM
Me neither. What was up with that?
Title: Re: DIL jealous of MIL relationship with SIL
Post by: Mamiof2 on February 20, 2012, 08:20:24 PM
Sorry I haven't been on for a while.
To Pen and Pooh, i didn't mention it to her but as soon as she got back to my house she apologized to me without me even saying anything. Her conscience was killing her i guess.
Title: Re: DIL jealous of MIL relationship with SIL
Post by: Pooh on February 21, 2012, 06:12:09 AM
That's a good sign, that she has a conscience....many don't!

I have learned over the years, that once I accept an apology, it is up to me to let it go and move on.  I know, easier said that done.  It doesn't mean I forget or am not more cautious with that person in the future (meaning in your scenario, I wouldn't expect her help again and get someone else), but if I harbor those ill feelings then I am hurting only myself. 

I was world's worse to accept an apology on the outside, but not on the inside, then bring it up next time something happened.  I'm not saying you did anything wrong for feeling hurt over it at all.  That was wrong of her, just that if she came back and apologized afterwards, without you bringing it up, that says that she does recognize right from wrong and that's a good thing.