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Hi,

We are seeing a pattern emerge, and Prissy is right, not always...where the future DIL is lovely to behold and easy to get along with during the engagement. Then the magic wand of "The Wedding" brings a change, sometimes actually overnight, where supremacy is the issue and her unsuspecting MIL becomes "The Enemy." Sometimes it's not overnight, it's a slow and insidious MIL character assassination. The results are the same. There is no incident and no altercation, although sometimes one is fabricated. The DIL isolates, and is either stonily silent or openly abusive around her extended family. (Well, there are other behaviors, too, one being sneakily vicious.)

(There are times when it's the MIL who has these supremacy issues and evidences this behavior but that's not the case here, or your DIL would be posting on this website...or one of the popular MIL bashing ones.)

In the situation being described, the new husband, who has just established a separate family unit, may be torn but his allegiance is a no-brainer. War has been declared and he has been taken hostage. Grandchildren will also be taken hostage.

The horror of this is that it is initiated externally and there is nothing we know of that the MIL can do; logic and loyalty are of no use. Respect is unheard of. It's not a situation where "the ball is in the DIL's court"...the game is actually over and she won without the MIL even knowing what was going on. MILs may calmly address this catastrophe or beg and plead, rant and rave, weep and take to their beds or even withdraw and move on but nothing changes. It simply isn't about the MIL, she doesn't exist in the grand scheme of things.

The son pays a terrible price in the middle of all of this unexpected warfare. He is often pulled back and forth, is intimidated and may even crumble under the pressure. Many, (again, not all), eventually withdraw from their loving and supportive families of origin because it's a way to survive. Some do a fairly good job of "deciding" that their brides are right.

Our job, we are slowly learning, is to not to get into guilt or into trying to "fix it"...while we learn to avoid becoming a victim. A tall order. The loss is something we can't adequately describe and most of us never fully get over it.

Blessings, Luise

It makes sense to me. When we are "rejection and abandonment waiting to happen", we are going to react differently than people who are not so deeply wounded.

I just went through that when my ex-DIL canceled on me for the family picnic we both dreamed up last March. (The Friday Fiasco thread here.) I over-reacted and couldn't see it... until someone here, SouthernBelle?, asked me to take a step back. I looked in that dark hole and saw that it wasn't about the picnic, it was about too many similar disappointments early in life and I worked my way through it and with her.

What you experienced and didn't experience with your dad is monumental. There is no way that I can see that it wouldn't influence you for the rest of your life and color your opinions, needs, reactions and self-worth. Not that what's come down with your son isn't awful but how could it not contain all of that past energy?

I'd be interested to see what the others think.

Well, so much for my "fairy tale." Good for you for following through and giving yourself the closure that probably needed to happen. It sounds like a much more realistic outcome, unfortunately.

And Prissy, that sounds like a living Hell. It probably says a lot about how you feel about what's going on now, too. Abandonment is a terrible thing.

My dad was a totally great guy. We were wonderful friends and when he came to the aging part of his life, he moved from Michigan to Washington to live with me. He was funny and talented and intelligent and affectionate. He was ethical and reliable and responsible and he was warm and loving. He taught me to swim and paddle a canoe and cook over an open fire...and to dance and sing and play the clarinet and xylophone. He picked me up from wherever I had meetings, like girl scouts or church choir, even in snow storms, and then he took all my friends home, too. He taught me about nature and how to care for pets. He listened to me and after I left home, he came long distances to my special occasions. He loved my sons and when he needed all of that back, I gave it to him with an open heart.

That is so lovely, Alice. And one of the most valuable things this site is that it brings us is multiple target groups, don't you think? Lets see..when was it that I was cuddling my first 14 month-old? Oh, my! 60 years ago! (And I was expecting #2 at that time.  )

No. I would make the mistake of thinking first. I'd think about the overall cost and I'd think of the health risks and I'd think of my lack of knowledge and skills and I'd miss the most fulfilling and developmental experience of my life. (And in my old age, I would miss my son being my best friend.)

Call your son back and ask him to deliver your message and gift. What else can you do?

I have a friend who started a "box" when this happened. She put every card and gift into the box and when her granddaughter became of age, she gave it to her. The gifts were deposited into a saving account for her because actual purchases would have become obsolete over the years. Every card for every occasion had a note in it and pictures to bring the child up to date while imparting a sense of connection without any reference to missing her or finding the situation untenable.

They became friends eventually and her granddaughter deeply appreciated the "relationship in retrospect." I'm not sure all kids would. Some might not be interested. Some might have been brain washed. Some might see it as a parental put-down. Who knows the variations.

It must make you want to take an eraser and go back to before they met. And of course we can't rewrite history. It's his "path."

What a deeply touching story. Thank you so much. I kept waiting for the "happily-ever-after" part where you contacted your dad and paternal grandparents and had a wonderful reunion followed by new and steadfast relationships. Did that ever happen? Or even a part of it?

You are right. Becoming a parent is an awesome job. If we had to go to school to get a degree in parenting and then take our board exams and that had to be followed by an internship...who in our company would make it?

So often, parental responsibility is seen as custodial...feeding, bathing, even entertaining. It's so easy to focus on physical firsts whether it's a tooth or a step. While inside, behind those bright and trusting eyes, is a Soul surrounded by feelings and concepts. A thirsty little blotter soaking up what is seen and heard...a little mechanic looking for tools.

How inspiring your reference to forgiveness is. How healing for you to get to that place. And how different trust is. When we are totally unable to discern, we must trust to survive. then, in hindsight we find feet of clay and damage that has to be undone.

What I read between the lines is that you didn't get stuck when you found damage. Many do. They forever sing the "Somebody Done Me Wrong Song." It's so much easier than stepping up to the plate and being responsible for ourselves.

I'll never forget the night at his graduation from his EST seminar, when my youngest son thanked me for everything I had given him and let me off the  hook. He told me he would "take it from there." He had incorporated many of my strengths and suffered from many of my limitations and he simply decided that from that point on he was responsible for his own well-being, growth and yes, successes and failures. Whew! 

Hi Mary and All,,

Ah, the humanness in all of us; the vulnerability, the fallibility and the inconsistency. Reassuring sometimes, isn't it? 

My best friend who died in May, (I think I wrote about her death under the Grab Bag heading), had a very strong sense of self-worth. So, when someone knocked me over with a feather and I doubted myself, I'd think (like your husband), "What would Dotte say or do?" Any criticism just caused her to roll her eyes and wonder why the other person didn't see how wonderful she was! It never fazed her! 

I doubt that my ex-DIL reads this blog but if she does, there is nothing here I haven't expressed openly (if not as emotionally) to her. After reading what SouthernBelle wrote (thank you, SouthernBelle) and doing some soul-searching, I honestly think my over-reaction to being canceled may stem from the seemingly endless cancellations in my childhood. My mother wasn't all that hearty and  often used her limited energy irresponsibly without looking ahead to the foreseeable consequences of her burning the candle from both ends. We were all at the effect of that as well as being stuck with where to put our disappointment and anger when long-anticipated family events got canceled. She was always seen as helpless and of course, blameless.

I have shared my revelation with my ex-DIL and apologized for over-reacting. Isn't it interesting that inner trauma has such a long shelf-life? Everyone involved in those early dynamics has passed on but I am still at the effect of it at times.

The little verse I wrote about my ex-DIL and published here was written at the time of my friend's death. Thanks for reading it and appreciating it, Mary. (You also might get a kick out of my description of my own MIL and our early relationship under Success Stories. What an air-head I was!

You aren't butting in, Prissy! It's an open post and I really appreciate everyone's feedback.

And, SouthernBelle, I am willing to look more closely at this. Several people have told me that I over-reacted and that's usually about the person who is angry...not the one who set it in motion. So, thanks.

One dear friend who lives out of state and who experienced my wrath over this via email, said that she had never seen me so upset. She jokingly said that her computer was steaming and the plastic parts melted.

I'll be getting back to all of you when I have something to report. In the meantime, it is priceless to feel supported as I dig further.

Thanks for giving me so much to think about here. For now, there is no open conflict. She emailed me asking how it went and I responded about other things, not that. When the next occasion arises, I will have to decide what to do. I can't trust her. I doubt I ever will be able to.

I know no one is totally trustworthy. I'm certainly not. And I know we all have differing ideas about being accountable. The bind comes at that point. Her accountability makes sense to her. It doesn't to me and it is totally reasonable that she live by her standards, of course. I am just flailing around when I feel that I have again been hung out to dry. 

I want to take some kind of a stand after 25 years of this. I don't want to have to adapt to it any more. I feel done with it but not with her. Never with her. Yet, not making plans with her in the future feels like cutting off my nose to spite my face.

I can learn to say "Ouch" immediately but I want to circumvent the trauma by not putting myself in her path and at her mercy or lack thereof.

Oh, wow! We are talking the holidays in July? For me, it is about the energy it takes and doing less every year. But I still decorate! 

Well, this is the same ex-DIL I wrote the poem about and she is very dear to my heart. I think I could have said "Ouch!"...when she canceled, and should have. I can see that, now.

It would probably have been a lot better than coming at her with anger. I was surprised and disappointed and yet again...let down by her not living her life in a responsible way so she can keep her commitments. It has happened over and over again.

But then I get lulled into trusting her because for a long stretch, she will do what she says she will do. She and her now-husband are usually very attentive and on holidays they always show up so we have someone special here with us. In comparison, my husband's son wants us to go to their place and it's too long a drive and too long a day.

I think my greatest enemy is surprise. She did the same thing when I gave my husband a party here at our retirement center for his 95th birthday and she has canceled endless mini-retreats, dinners and lunches over the years.

It's always about burn-out. She used to be an over-achiever and now she has slowed way down from an accident two years ago. She's 63.

I saw her doing too much before this gathering yesterday...taking a long road trip with a friend from out of state and then having an open house for her. When she got to me and supporting my plans...she was "out of gas."

A family "do" just isn't complete without her. Everyone wanted to know where they were.

She didn't make me, or to the point, my gathering a priority and plan her life in such a way that she would be able to come for sure and support me in putting on the event. There's the issue. She says she did see it as a priority and it was just unfortunate and I say she didn't.

We're back to having her be how she is...aren't we?

I still have strong feelings about it as you can tell. I think as I age, counting on others gets to matter more and more. It's a vulnerable time.

What I have the most trouble with is the excuse thing. Saying "Ouch" is out of the question because she manipulates. It's never her fault and so she never means to hurt anyone. As in "How could you say 'ouch" when I would be there if I could. I thought you would understand". And then, one more time, she looks good and I fall short. Clever to the max.

Much of it has to do with her not managing her energy and health well, burning the candle at both ends and then crashing and being surprised.

I have never looked closely at it before. Certainly, I have never seen it as controlling because she's always all broken up about having to cancel. Hummmm.....

Well, last March I put together a "Simmer Picnic" for yesterday, my youngest son's 54th birthday. (He's our webmaster.) Not a Birthday Party as such, per his request, but an extended family thing for 20 of us at a County, salt water park close to home. Because of my husband's age, I had to be able to get him back home for his nap, and yet not be gone long since I was the one with the permit to use the covered picnic area on the beach.

If you want to reserve a space there in the summer, you have to do it in the winter. My ex-DIL and very dear friend was in on all of this. As you all know from experience, it takes some organizational skills to pull it off.

Friday she emailed me that she was canceling. I was surprised, hurt and disappointed but it surfaced as anger. She has canceled out on me more than everyone else I know put together. She always has an excuse that makes her blameless. I lashed out and she replied "Ouch!"

Then I backed up...(it would have been better to not have had to, of course) and told her that the other side of the coin was that where she goes and what she does is her business, not mine, and how I react is my business, not hers. That's where Alicev's quote comes in:

"When we stop gossiping, complaining, giving guilt trips, forcing ourselves on others, and start taking responsibility for our own feelings and let other people be who they truly are - we do the right thing."

The clue in all of this is my reference above regarding my ex-DILs pattern of letting other people down by canceling at the last minute. That's what she often, but not always, does. She was just being how she is.

At 82, I think one of the last lessons I am ever going to get in this lifetime is that how I perceive something is not how it is. It sure looks (to me) like that's how it is...but others often have radically different takes on things.

My closest friend, who died in May, was a great teacher of this principle by example. Something would happen where I would get my feeling hurt and I'd come unglued. Then, later something very similar would happen to her and instead of feeling rejected etc., etc...she would be genuinely perplexed and say "How weird that he/she doesn't see how great I am." And that would be the end of it.   

Love you guys!

Thanks so much, I have ordered mine.  And anyone who wants to can click on the title in your post (in blue) and order from here.

In the retirement center where we live there is a caregivers' group and a grief group. I think I will join the care givers' group since I am doing more and more of that. Great suggestion...to move beyond trying to be self-contained."