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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: Kinzey on October 08, 2009, 11:51:33 AM

Title: dil's different upbringing
Post by: Kinzey on October 08, 2009, 11:51:33 AM
Ok I have a question for the mother in laws. I'm a new dil and I want to have a good relationship with my husband's parents and I can't get good advice from anyone who is a daughter in law because they are telling me to run away.
My husband and I come from very different backgrounds. We have the same ethnicity and religion and two parent homes but it ends there.  His family is very wealthy and they focus on family togetherness and they have to speak to each other 2 or 3 times a day on the phone and are very insistant they get together for holidays and birthdays. Its great that they love each other but it is very different from how I was raised. My family was lower middle class and we focused on learning independance and breaking away from mom and dad. My parents are very loving and would do anything for their children, but they taught us once you are 18 you need to be an adult and move and start your own life. My husband is very dependant on his family and I'm dependant on myself. His parents give him money all the time and mine say tough luck. They in my opion spoil their children and don't make them do chores. When my husband moved in with me he didn't know how to do laundry, clean the house or cook. Their daughter throws tantrums and always gets her way. My parents had me doing chores all my life and I started doing my own laundry at 12. I see my family a few times a year and he goes back to his all the time and leaves me behind because I have to work. I don't agree with a lot of their ideas because it was not how I was raised. My husband and I get into a lot of fights because I want to rely on him and not his parents. They are very involved in his life and I feel like my privacy in being invaded when he tells them how my life is going and all about my gyno problems. I have endometriosis and it is a very personal issue to me and they are always asking about it in public. They behave differently then my family as well. They are very superior in their attitudes. It comes across as angry when you disagree with them.

The biggest issue is their language. They cuss a lot and they do it in front of me which is a problem because I am a preachers kid where language like that was not acceptable. I can handle it but I'm afraid for when we have kids. I don't want that language around them.
I feel uncomfortable around them and I don't want to make them angry but I need to know from a mil's perspective what to do to improve our relationship. I don't fit in with their family and I don't want to change my personality but just accept our differences and learn to feel like I can be a part of their family but not let them rule our lives.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: 2chickiebaby on October 08, 2009, 12:38:51 PM
I'm an MIL....but I'm going to need time to think about this one. This is a mess.  When you have a close family and one of your kids marries someone from a family not close, it rips your heart out.

The other sites are quick to say: "cut them off".   I think that is the most devastating thing a person can do to another person.  Imagine, cutting someone out of your life as though they were dead just for being themselves. 

This family you're dealing with has a lot of sides to look at, though.  I'm sure they know of no other way of thinking or for dealing with life.  You have to think about that before you use your rules on them.  This is the only thing they know and conversely, this is the only way of living you know.

I'm sure others have lots of ideas too.  Hang in there.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: just2baccepted on October 08, 2009, 03:16:49 PM
Welcome Kinzey.  I know you asked MIL's but I am a DIL with difficult IL's and I just had to respond.

Your IL's sound a lot like my family.  My family really didn't have good boundaries either and neither did I until I realized that I was married to someone now and that I had to take into account his feelings as well.  Before I got married I lived with my mom and my sister, her DH and children lived one street over.  I never thought for one second that I wasn't ever welcome at sister's and BIL's.  I remember thinking of BIL as just an extension of my sister.  Hey, he was apart of the family now!  So I would just walk over to there house w/o calling so I could see their new baby.  And I'd spend a long time over there.  I never thought anything about it.  He was pretty social himself so I don't' know if it bothered him or not.  The only time was when my dad came up to visit and spent like 2 wks with them and BIL finally told sister that dad needed to go home now.

And then when I got married we all ended up living in the same town and my dad lived one street down from us.  He called every day and would come down banging on the door if he couldn't get a hold of us because we were on the internet and the phone was busy.  My sister just insisted that we get another phone line so my family could get a hold of us and then she'd insist that I leave my cell phone on.  My DH is very private and doesn't reveal much info to his own family because they very insecure, petty and critical so he tries to shield us from that.  When they talk on the phone they just talk about the weather, mowing etc.  My family and I talk about everything and DH would get really mad at me for telling things that I shouldn't.  It tool awhile but now I realize that he's right and that I shouldn't' reveal anything he doesn't want me to.  So I would tell your DH that how upsetting that is to you and that you don't want his family knowing about your health problems.  If he respects you then he will respect your privacy.

When my husband moved in with me he didn't know how to do laundry, clean the house or cook.
I also did not know how to do laundry etc.  DH had to teach me how.  I think families like this want very much to keep their children dependent on them either financially or emotionally because then the parents don't have to fear being alone.  I see this in my family and in my IL's so I'm wondering if this is common.  If you try to separate from this family and put down boundaries I'm sure they will fight like crazy to maintain or get back their power.  Your DH will have to be the one to put up boundaries.  There's nothing wrong with getting together and there's nothing wrong with you needing your alone time or space.  Some people are introverts and some are extroverts.  Maybe you can have the best of both worlds.  But you and DH need to talk this out and you need to tell him what your needs are and find out what his needs are and then come up with a compromise.  This compromise should not take into account his family's feelings, it should just be what's best for you and your new family.  That's just the way I see it.  You're not asking him to abandon them just to have a little privacy and maybe not getting together all the time.
His family will just have to understand that he's grown now and developed his own family unit and that your feelings have to be considered now.  It's all about compromise.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: luise.volta on October 08, 2009, 09:07:36 PM
Well, that was spectacular, JSB. As you know, you are a very important member of MILU and we love you dearly.

Just a couple of thoughts pop up: I remember when I married my now-husband. His daughter and SIL lived on the same island...maybe five miles away and they would just walk into the house. Not only not calling in advance but not knocking either! When I told my step-daughter that smoking in our home was off limits, her resentment was very apparent and after I moved the furniture, she came over and dragged it back to where it had been and then sat down. Need I go on? The point was that it was still her mother's home in her mind. The solution? We sold the house, passed on her mother's things to her...bought a motor home and hit the road. When we returned five years later the patterns and habits were broken and all was well.

Another story: When I was young, my parents informed me that I could stay as long as I wanted to after graduating from high school but when I left home and accepted "adult" status, I could not return as a resident ever again. Adulthood wasn't an outfit that I was going to be allowed to put on and take off, because it was not a temporary state. That worked great for me. When my sons hit their late teens...the same rules applied and it worked for them. And when my grandsons got to that time in their lives...they got the same treatment. Now, my great-granddaughter is in college and guess what, the custom continues.

And here's how money has been handled with the same five generations: you borrow what you can pay back, you agree to a plan, you keep your word and if you don't, it's your last loan. Works like a charm.

There are so many ways to look at the same issues. I have met lots of people who felt the way we did things was heartless. We thought it was supportive of both growth and maturity. What seldom works is a split ethic. One parent firmly attached to one belief system and the other just as committed to something else, often the direct opposite...(or apathetic.) And often their families of origin back them up, adding fuel to the fire. On rare occasion it works if children don't appear, but if and when they do, all bets are off.

We are talking partnership here. Someone once told me that marriage was like a business. You have partners, a business plan, assets and liabilities, an inventory, accounts payable and receivable and, hopefully, a manufacturing plant and a product. From that perspective, if the partners can't agree, you have no foundation for a business. It's uniqueness as well as its success is built on agreement.

I am with J2B. What you are up against needs to be identified, addressed and negotiated between you and DH. What we have seen so often on this site is a fight for supremacy and a lot of blame. I think it's very important that you don't become the bad guy...that your husband doesn't follow through in a dependent state and support that concept through inaction and that your in laws are not be blamed, either. Women often come to this site with war already declared, lines firmly drawn and deep wounds clearly festering on all sides.

It looks to me like you need to acknowledge that you are from two different planets. From that incompatible spot you can create a new entity...called "us," "our home," and "our family unit." That's the working premise. Make up a whole new set of ethics and customs and then stick by them. Modify what doesn't work, if you need to, but don't quit or cheat. No one is in charge. No one can order anyone around or call anyone wrong. Pleasing others must of necessity come at the bottom of the list after you have successfully pleased each other in the extremely difficult process of separating from both clans and creating a new one. Then it will be time to do your best to integrate what you have come up with with what your parents on both sides came up with years ago. There is no "right" way and there are endless variations that work but/and...you have the right to choose your mutual path in life.

At present, you don't speak the same language regarding personal and family dynamics and you have your work cut out for you. Giving up isn't the answer, hard work is. You got together for a reason. Build from there.

P.S. When I left home I could fry eggs, make brownies and iron.  ;D ;D
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: just2baccepted on October 09, 2009, 08:54:28 AM
Not only not calling in advance but not knocking either!

My solution to that would be just to keep the door locked.  Anytime I watch Everybody Loves Raymond and the MIL and FIL always just walk in their house I always think, "why don't they lock the door?  Then they'd be forced to knock."  DH and I always keep the door locked, mainly for safety reason though.  I think everyone probably does around here because this guy murdered a little girl around here a few years ago.  When she was still considered missing I came home to find the police and other law enforcement searching the land located behind my house.  I'm sure they were searching for her body.  But they found her in the killer's house, which isn't too far from where I live. My mom lives nearby too and she has kept her front door locked ever since they found her body.  He's on death row now.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: luise.volta on October 09, 2009, 05:47:10 PM
OMG! How terrible!

We not only don't lock our doors, I haven't the foggiest idea where a key might be.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: 2chickiebaby on October 09, 2009, 09:31:19 PM
I wish MILs were not always depicted as intrusive like Raymond's mother.  I wish they would depict just one as a lady who raised a son and loved him and wanted to love his wife.

I had 4 stepmothers, none of whom I lived with.  My brother did and I'm afraid none of the women wanted him. There are wonderful stepmothers out there, I am certain, but I never encountered one personally.   

There are actually people in the world who had perfectly good homes who raised happy sons, did their very best but had a young woman walk into their lives and completely ruin it.  It happened to me.

I am happy to look at both sides of anything but some things I have lived through and know the truth about.

I look back over our lives and wish that 16 years ago I had ignored my DIL.  How dare her do what she has done!  How dare her.  How dare her use her jealousy to ruin our lives! 

   
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: luise.volta on October 10, 2009, 08:18:20 AM
I'm thinking about that. There have been times in my life when I reacted to something and wished I had ignored it, too. I have gone into a defensive posture when it only made things worse. It's sometimes hard for me to see silence as an option, when I'm in the middle of it.

Kinzey...is any of this helping you sort through your radically differing backgrounds and finding a way to approach a degree of solidarity in your marriage?

Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: 2chickiebaby on October 10, 2009, 08:55:40 AM
I was too shocked and grieved to ignore it at the time.  I've never had anyone in my life treat me like that except my 'no good father'.  Only now can I look back and see that it was jealousy that fueled her behavior.

We tried to placate her and be nicer but she just got worse, saying things like: "what difference does it make that we are in your city and don't call you?" 

(What difference does it make? What? was she raised in a barn?)

I've finally moved from grief to anger.  I had a celebration of sorts and that woman never picked up the phone to call me, even though I always call her. She doesn't pick up the phone but I leave a message and I send gifts.  Son called and put the kids on the phone.

My anger towards her is not good for me. Grief is worse, I think, though.

Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: luise.volta on October 10, 2009, 09:36:18 PM
I think the trick is to keep moving and not get stuck. When we do, self-pity, judgment and righteousness can take us over and that's when the adversary really wins. Grief and anger are both natural and healthy responses but I honestly believe there is peace beyond them. I don't know what comes after anger. It may be different with each of us. I do grief first, too. Unless fear takes me over. Then I go to apathy after I wear myself out with anger and eventually to acceptance and on to compassion. From there forgiveness is not far behind. Sometimes, now, I can skip some of them and just do A and Z...but not always.

I am wondering if Kinzey is still around. I hope what has come up for each one of us has helped her when looking at their differing backgrounds. She did such a great job of sorting it out and presenting it to us here. Kinzey?
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: Kinzey on October 11, 2009, 05:20:52 PM
All of you have given me a lot to work with and have been helpful. It is very hard to go against how you were raised to thank you vey much for your help.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: luise.volta on October 11, 2009, 06:48:49 PM
Thanks for responding, Kinzey. Wishing you the very best. Of course it's hard but it's not impossible! :-)
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: mom2 on October 16, 2009, 02:04:53 PM
Kinzey,

I feel it may help if your husband ,respectfully, talks to his family about how you feel. That might have helped me in the beginning to better understand my DIL but I didn't know that maybe things that were acceptable to me were not to her. I still don't think I ever did anything to her ( and if I did, it wasn't intentional ) but I don't want to discredit her feelings either. It has gotten so bad with us that I really don't want a relationship with her. I am getting used to how it is now but it still hurts because that was my son and I know I will never be close to him again.

Please don't shut your husbands family out of his life and don't let it fester until it's ugly because he may ,someday, resent you for that. May you find a happy medium with them.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: Pen on October 18, 2009, 08:57:56 AM
People have different values, lifestyles, comfort levels, needs...why can't we tolerate the differences and just accept people as they are? I don't want to change my DIL's feelings about her family or make her live in a style that is uncomfortable for her, but she acts as if we are a virus that will infect her new life and destroy her dreams and expectations. Her family's values are not ours and vice versa. Yes, I'd prefer my son to not take on their ostentatious, ambitious, snooty ways at the expense of our more relaxed, giving and tolerant beliefs, but that's not our business. She should have the same respect for us.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: just2baccepted on October 18, 2009, 12:27:26 PM
Pestamen I couldn't agree with you more.  I think its a total different story if a DIL is just being "well you're not like me so I don't want anything to do with you and your family."  That's called intolerance.  But just because a DIL doesn't completely embrace her IL's doesn't mean that she's being this way.  There are people in my own and family and at work that I dont particularly click with.  I'm nice and respectful to them but they may not be my best friend.  When I got married I viewed my new IL's as an extension of my hubby and thought that I was gaining new family members.  His dad would get his tail over his back for minor things and would pout and ignore me but I just figured, oh well he's just sensitive. He'd try to embarrass me by commenting on how he and MIL were paying for my meal on hubby's b-day and he didn't like that, even though we paid for everyone's meal on MIL's mother's day dinner.  But when it unfolded that they weren't just pouty but trying to get my hubby to think bad of me, that's when I drawed the line and said no more!  It took me 10 years to figure out this was going on.  It took me 10 years because I was tolerant of their intolerance of me.  I guess I should have know when they constantly slammed their daughter that they were doing the same to me.  But I guess I was living in La La land.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: luise.volta on October 19, 2009, 01:41:44 PM
Some young DILs are closed minded and fit that picture. Lots and lots of them don't. I think the kind of person you were before you married gets magnified after marriage and may be harder to cover up. There are a lot of great gals out there that go on to become great DILs. Unfortunately, the rest of them become hair-shirts we have to wear 24/7.  >:(
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: Kinzey on October 19, 2009, 02:28:41 PM
I agree! I can respect my in laws but I know that we cannot be close as of right now in our lives. We are just too different and if I open my heart to them I feel I will get hurt. I need to let their comments role off my back and respect them as my in laws but I can't let them too close. I tried that during our engagement and they made some very hurtful comments about the wedding and my husband didn't even say anything to them about it. As long as we just respect our differences and agree to disagree we should be fine and to keep our emotional distance.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: 2chickiebaby on October 19, 2009, 02:46:20 PM
Maybe it doesn't hurt your inlaws.  I hope they are not like me. If they aren't, they'll be fine. 
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: Kinzey on October 19, 2009, 02:58:42 PM
I don't think it will. There hasn't been much effort on either part to try to build a relationship with each other. They sort have their own little family bubble and there is no room for anyone else in it and they don't want to let anyone out and I really don't want to try to get in because I don't think I'm welcome in their family. I'm just an a new toy for their son
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: 2chickiebaby on October 19, 2009, 03:22:17 PM
it sounds like they have a lot of loved ones.  If they won't accept you, Kinsey, there is something wrong with their tribe.  People who don't have issues will welcome others in.  I wonder if they are either self absorbed or insecure?

Someone I know had a closed family. It was them and no others.  Their family withered from within.  When you were with them, they huddled in one corner and glared at you if you entered their closed circle, even if you were an invited guest at their house!!  It was terrible.

I don't dare tell you who this was. Too much information.  Prissy wants to tell you all but I won't let her.  It isn't distant DIL.  I'm going to need to sedate Prissy with Lightening Pops.  She tells everything.   
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: just2baccepted on October 19, 2009, 07:45:27 PM
Someone I know had a closed family. It was them and no others.  Their family withered from within

Yes! that is exactly how my IL's are.  But thankfully they don't just do to me but to others as well.  MIL will even get bitchy if someone tries to talk to her in line at the pharmacy or if someone tries to talk to her grandson.  I've seen her be so hateful.  And when you limit yourself like this then you end up really being alone as you age.  Because I guess my IL's don't realize that loved ones do die off, then what?  So sad.  But they and others like them create this for themselves. Its hard for me to feel sorry for them, but I do at times.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: 2chickiebaby on October 19, 2009, 07:49:25 PM
oh my gosh!  I hate rudeness like that!  It is inexcusable and I can't tolerate it.  The ones I'm talking about weren't outwardly rude but closed together, just the 4 of them.  They withered from within and all died within a short time period except one. 

I'm sorry that you have these kinds of people in your life. 
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: 2chickiebaby on October 20, 2009, 05:48:04 AM
She is majorly depressed.  Normal humans cannot live like that.   Not that any of that matters because these little kids are being effected.  How sad!!!! Strangers are the ones who will help you in most cases.  Not all of them are to be feared. 

Nutcase Mothers?  They should be feared. 
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: Kinzey on October 20, 2009, 07:33:49 AM
Its horrible how rude some people can be.  I'm so sorry all of you have to go through all this with the people who are supposed to be our "family." Can we even call these people family or are they are husband/sons family? I know when they say when you marry the guy you marry the family. I really don't feel like i did though. He has gone home to see his parents 7 or 8 times since we married in June but I haven't gone with him once. Mainly because I work but I just don't feel comfortable around them. I feel like I'm being shut out and I'm not even in the room when I'm around them.
His parents didn't even speak to me on our wedding day and his sister who I asked to be a bridesmaid didn't even talk to me or stay in our dressing room where we had food and had a great time before the wedding. My sisters went out of their way to talk to her and be nice to her but she took off to the guys dressing room. When it came time for bride/bridesmaid pictures she was no where to be found and she ended up not having her picture taken with the other girls because we couldn't find her.
A few weeks before the wedding his parents and the two of us had lunch with them where the told us that they didn't know why they had to spend so much money on the rehersal dinner. We told them we were engaged that we just wanted a bbq at my fiances house. They didn't want to do that and reserved a country club and then complained they had to spend the money. They also offered to pay for the tuxes after we announced the engagement and then at the same lunch told us that they thought it was inexusable that they had to pay for them! We were engaged for one year and they had plenty of time to tell us they didn't want to follow through with their offer and my parents could have taken care of it since they were the ones who were paying for the wedding.
I really don't think they wanted us to get married and I don't know how to deal with people who don't want me around their family when I married their son. Am I really that horrible of a person?
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: just2baccepted on October 20, 2009, 09:48:47 AM
Kinzey I'm so sorry. It sounds like everything has gotton off to a bad start.  You know I think the first thing I would do is sit down your DH and tell him exactly what you've said here on the blog.  Tell him how it hurts you and that you feel their rejection.  Not all people are reasonable but if his family is reasonable then maybe DH could talk to them and ask them to try a little harder to extend a hand to you.  I can tell you don't sound like a hateful DIL and that you really want to try. 

Don't give up quite yet.  Maybe IL's are just having a hard time letting go of their old relationsip with their son and moving on to the new relationship with him.  When I got married I never realized how difficult it was going to be.  It really shocks me because family should be something we all want.  I also assumed that my IL's would love me because I was nice to them etc. but that didn't happen, they were too caught up I guess in seeing me as someone who was taking away from their life instead of adding something special to it.  I want to think I can just accept this but I guess I haven't and that's why I keep blogging about it.  Its hard when you try so hard yourself to get these people to like you and then they don't.  Its causes a fractured family, and that exactly what we are.

Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: 2chickiebaby on October 20, 2009, 11:02:34 AM
Kinzey, you and Just2be are two of the people I admire so much.  Both of you really care and are trying so hard.  If you weren't good people you'd be doing what many DILs do, just ignore the inlaws or, worst yet, ban them from your lives.

You have both been done wrong and it's so sad to me.  You've tried and tried but have gotten nowhere.  I wish you would give it time, they have a great DIL who cares enough to try, so much so that you pour your heart out on an MIL site!!!

MILs here would love having you so you keep that in your heart while you go through this. 
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: Kinzey on October 20, 2009, 02:30:27 PM
Thank you for your kind words :) I'm glad I found this site. Even though it is for mil's I feel like you have been more help the the sites for dils. I have a few major events coming up where I'm going to be forced to be with my husband's family and I'm pretty nervous. I have a football game next weekend that they got tickets to (without asking us first) but I agreed to go because my husband begged me to go. Then we have my husband's graduation from college and I'm hosting the party but I asked my mil if she wanted to but she said she hadn't planned anything so I took over and planned the party he said he wanted. We are having Thanksgiving with my family so we are spending Christmas with his this year which means we have to spend a week at their house and I'm terrified haha. But all of your advice is helping get the right idea of what I need to to do so thank you!
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: 2chickiebaby on October 20, 2009, 03:00:11 PM
When you have to be with them, remember WHO YOU ARE.  Don't let them make you feel insecure by anything they say or do.

Just know that you are safe and that whatever they do or say to you will not effect who you are.  Easier said than done but you can get through anything if you know it will end at some point. 

Can you believe how profound I am?  I need to learn to follow my own advice ???
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: mom2 on October 20, 2009, 06:06:56 PM
Kinzey,
I really do understand your feelings and it sounds like your IL's are a force to be reckoned with! You seem like a very nice person who wants to try to get along and that is such a good thing. I read in one of Luise's posts that when one person pulls out of a conflict it loses energy and that is soooo true! In my conflict I was the one who pulled out; although I miss my family, the peace is wonderful ! There can't be anymore " she said, she said" because we don't see each other or talk.

Just wondering why you would spend a Holiday with them when things are like that ? Someone once said to me
" Do you know the meaning of insanity?" I said " nuts " he said " No, it is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different end result". I have never seen that definition but it sounded pretty darn good to me!

also I wondered why your IL's should have asked to attend a football game? Not saying they shouldn't have, just asking.




Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: 2chickiebaby on October 20, 2009, 08:12:12 PM
Whoa Nellie!  A week?  You have to stay a week?  Oh boy, if I thought DIL was going to be here a week, I'd have to get really sick and go to the hospital. 
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: Kinzey on October 21, 2009, 06:30:57 AM
Answering Mom2's question, they bought expensive tickets without seeing if we were available to go and I felt they should have asked before almost obligating us to go first.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: mom2 on October 21, 2009, 07:16:16 AM
Kinzey,

That was wrong on your IL's behalf and if ya ask me, that took nerve. If I were you I wouldn't go because to me, that is rewarding bad behavior; they would just be stuck with the expensive ticket!
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: mom2 on October 21, 2009, 07:44:23 AM
Chickiebaby,

Me too ! no way could or would I do that! My DIL wouldn't want to do that either.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: Kinzey on October 21, 2009, 08:39:56 AM
haha i really considered it but it would have hurt my husband more than my ils if I didn't go because he really wanted to go to the game and he wants peace between us. the only problem is that he doesn't see a problem with either one of us.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: mom2 on October 21, 2009, 10:11:36 AM
I understand that your DH wants peace, after all, you and his family are the people he loves.

It's sad if ya think of how some DIL's ( and Mil's too) claim to love their husband / son so much and yet put him in a position of choosing between his wife or family. I think that is why I just backed out of all the drama; I love him enough to do that. :( Maybe someday something will change for us ). I was never an assuming, intrusive person but still went wrong somewhere.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: luise.volta on October 21, 2009, 01:24:20 PM
We are all so different, especially regarding our tolerance levels. Thick skinned/thin skinned. Outgoing/shy. Some of us are keener on obligation than others...some will keep trying forever and other give up at the drop of a hat.

For me, I am not going to accept even a minor role in anyone else's horror movie. I'm not going to condemn the producer, the director or the actors (much less the plot) but I am simply not going there.

Maybe it's because I'm 82 years old. My beliefs and values are deeply grounded in peace, kindness, understanding and fairness. Stuff like that. If others want drama, they will have to hire someone else to play my part. The answer is No!

I will work on issues, share my experience and negotiate...when I see that there is an open mind and heart opposite me...but if it is someone bent on harm in any form: No!

We also all have differing definitions of harm. I put thoughtlessness in the abuse category. Not forgetfulness or momentary shortsightedness but premeditated behavior that reflects my being seen as invisible or being continuously subjected to manipulation.

Life is what we make it. I want to make mine a joyful thing and I want to stay out of the way of those who have other agendas.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: Kinzey on October 21, 2009, 02:39:20 PM
I think it's part that some people like our in laws crave drama. They need the attention to make them feel worthwhile. The problem is that the drama is causing others pain. My husband is completely clueless to what is going on and maybe its for the better. I don't want him to become the rope in the tug of war and I would rather be the "bad guy" to my in laws than my husband feel like he has to choose. I would hope he would stand up for his new family but I don't think it is fair to him to make that decision. But I do feel like I take a back seat to his parents and that he goes to them with problems before he comes to me. It has gotten better since I told him thats how I feel but I can still feel that he doesn't quite know how to go to his wife with issues before his mom and dad. It hurts but I don't know how to change that without him feeling my animosity towards his parents. I think it will just take time for him to learn to balance it out. He admitted to me last night that his mom has said she is having a hard time with him being married. It sounds weird but I'm glad she has admitted it so now I know what is going on.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: 2chickiebaby on October 21, 2009, 03:11:02 PM
You might be right about the drama, Kinsey.  I don't know....I think they're insecure and don't know how you feel towards them.

If I were them I would be so happy if you were nice to me!!  That would be all I needed. 
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: just2baccepted on October 21, 2009, 04:16:16 PM
But I do feel like I take a back seat to his parents and that he goes to them with problems before he comes to me.

Maybe thats because his parents demand that of him.  It may just take time for your DH to adjust to his new role in life.  He's their son but he's now your husband, which should be his primary role from here forward.  Maybe his mom and other relatives will adjust as well.  They've obviously played a very big role in his life, but hopefully he will mature and not rely on them so much.  However if that does not occur and continues being too emeshed with his parents then that could take a toll on the marriage.  But I wouldn't worry too much.  If needed you can always see a marriage counselor.  But don't let this fester.  you are his main focus/family now.  you'll soon have children I"m sure so he needs to wean his dependence from his family. (I'm not saying abandon them, just wean dependence.)  That's just my view.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: 2chickiebaby on October 21, 2009, 05:48:18 PM
please do not abandon them...I know you don't mean that literally, Just2be....but he will learn to little by little lean on his wife and not his parents.  Give it some time, please! 
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: Kinzey on October 22, 2009, 12:35:15 PM
Do you think there may be a chance for everyone to be happy in this situation? Does my husband need to make the effort to fix this and me stay out of it or do I need to do anything to help? I know there probably won't be much effort on my il's part so I know its up to us but how much should I do? or how much should I sacrifice to make this situation better?
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: 2chickiebaby on October 22, 2009, 01:38:18 PM
Since I don't know your Inlaws, it's hard for me to say.  Does your MIL have a daughter?  If so, she will be a more secure person.  This hatred of the MIL usually is reserved for the Mother of the son.  If they have a Daughter, they can get thru it better.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: Kinzey on October 22, 2009, 03:01:00 PM
Yeah they have a 20 year old daughter that they adore and thinks the sun rises our of her ***. She really is a spoiled brat that has been given everything without having to work for anything. She refused to attend any of my bridal showers even though I made her a bridesmaid for my husband's sake and she disappeared on the wedding day and we couldn't find her for pictures. I really can't stand parents who don't say no to their kids and let them do whatever they want. When my husband and I started dating she was still in high school and they couldn't ever tell her no even when they did she cried about it and they let her do what she wanted.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: 2chickiebaby on October 22, 2009, 03:19:32 PM
oh, that's just awful....a spoiled brat!  I think all that probably makes it even worse for you.

Seems like they'd appreciate you more but people are so strange, Kensey, that they might feel jealous that you are not like that. 




Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: 2chickiebaby on October 22, 2009, 03:53:07 PM
Kinsey....spelled your name wrong!!!
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: Kinzey on October 23, 2009, 12:00:20 PM
Thats possible. My husband said his mom is having a hard time accepting me and so she wrote him this email with a "to do list" . I found this so funny because everything on the list had to with me. She also wanted him to check on some things at the university to make sure he was on time to graduate which was stupid because I work in his major's department at the school and I'm in charge of handleing graduation details and I already told him and his mother that he was ready to graduate.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: just2baccepted on October 23, 2009, 02:07:35 PM
boy this sounds like there's going to be a tug of war w/ dh in the middle. i hope dh can figure out some approriate boundiares w/ them.  Oh boy!!!!!!!

What the heck, this stuff is none of her business.  she's treating him like a child. if mom or mil did that to me that would drive me nuts.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: 2chickiebaby on October 26, 2009, 01:22:39 PM
Anna,
Unfortunately, in this society, the DIL considers it none of your business in whatever is going on with them.

They will use you to death for whatever reason suits them but if you have a need, even to know 'what happened' to the child you're keeping who is their child, it's none of your business.

This is a new world, not a good world but a new one.  God help the kids of this next generation!  Their favor is based solely on what you can do for them.

This is the way it is.  It has been proven as a matter of fact.  So, keep the grandkids, work yourself to death but do not expect his wife to give you the time of day. 

Her children will be much like her but worse.  Don't put your heart into this.  I choke up just saying this but don't let your heart get crushed.  These people are parayahs.

Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: Ihopeuknow on October 26, 2009, 01:32:33 PM
Anna I'm not trying to be contradictory or argumentative so please take this as a helpful note.  My MIL threatened that with my husband and myself, very prematurely because we don't have kids and are not planning on having any for another 5 years at least and my husband, an attorney did the research.  There really is no such thing as grandparent's rights.  I think that ILs are better off getting counseling, or finding some way to bridge the gap instead of doing something so nasty as to get the law involved.

I just don't get why if a MIL thinks a DIL is misbehaving she doesn't look at it like "I'm the older one and I will fix this" at all costs.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: 2chickiebaby on October 26, 2009, 01:37:44 PM
I know, Anna...I'm so sorry!!  My heart's already in it too.  I would never fight her for anything, though.  I don't want her to have the satisfaction of knowing I care.

What a B****.  How low can someone go?  How insecure can people get?  The problem is that I understand insecurity and always understand.  Not her, though.  Not her.  She has caused such hurt, such devastation in this family. She has an infinite capacity for hurt. 

On the outside, to others, she is so very nice.  What a show.

Son didn't get to go to his High School reunion. (or, let me rephrase this: he chose not to go)   I know why.  She is so jealous of other women it makes me sick. I have seen her huff and puff and fold her arms if he even speaks to a colleague that he works with.  His leash is so tight, it is stiffling!

Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: 2chickiebaby on October 26, 2009, 02:23:27 PM
Ditto....my story is the very same.  I don't have a family so this was my one shot.

My life will be spent warning people with sons.  I mean that. You can't love them and not be ready for this.  It's too hard. People need to know what lies ahead for them. 

Daughters in law can be the worst things in this world and can crush your spirit to death.  They know what they're doing.  They do.  They know and they do it anyway.

Ever heard of one DIL who cared one flip for her Mother in law?  No, hardly ever.  They need warning.  I'm going to do it.  There is no excuse for this.  None. 

Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: 2chickiebaby on October 26, 2009, 02:37:53 PM
I will...sad to say but it is my mission in life.

We had a huge amount of "guests" on this site while this discussion was going on.  I'm sure they were DILs.  All disappeared.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: 2chickiebaby on October 26, 2009, 02:53:24 PM
There's no doubt about that, Anna.  There was a 20/20 report (or 60 Minutes, can't rememeber) about how we have become an uncaring society.

If a parent has money, a child will visit them more likely in the nursing home. If not, they won't. 

Don't keep striving with your son.....say goodbye at the alter. You'll save yourself years of heartache.  His wife will destroy you.  That's her mission in life. 

Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: Ihopeuknow on October 26, 2009, 02:57:28 PM
2Chickiebaby if I didn't know better I would say that you were my MIL.  I mean those thoughts sound awfully dramatic.  I know you're hurting and I think it's a terrible thing when a mother and son are separated, but I'm sure there is a better way of dealing than to say in not so many words "wrap the umbilical cord around a boy's neck he'll only cause you pain".  I don't know your exact situation, but no matter how terrible your DIL may be or you might think she is there is always some glimmer of hope, there is a way of reaching her you just don't know what it is.  I'm not saying that the way to reaching her is easy or even practical, but there is a way to her heart and there is a way to bridge the gap. 
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: 2chickiebaby on October 26, 2009, 03:07:01 PM
I don't think I'm your MIL.  I appreciate what you're saying, though and thank you.  I think after 16 years of this, there is little or no hope. 

Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: 2chickiebaby on October 26, 2009, 03:12:27 PM
I think you misunderstood me....I didn't want to keep him forever...just wanted to love his wife as I did him.  And, the kids they brought along. 
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: 2chickiebaby on October 26, 2009, 03:19:41 PM
They don't understand.  They are too young. 
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: Ihopeuknow on October 26, 2009, 03:21:43 PM
And so it is...that the MILs bond because they say a DIL doesn't understand she is not a MIL.  It's so easy to say that instead of communicating.

I think therein lay the problem.  A lot of MILs want to love their DIL as they loved their son or want their DIL to love/respect them as they have their own mothers and that can't always be the case.

In my case my MIL says I'm opinionated and straightforward...as if those things are bad things.  She just never expected her son to marry someone who would tell her things she might not want to hear.  Now I didn't bust into her home telling her things they she didn't want to hear, but if asked or when the situations came up I did and she always thought her son was going to marry some charming and helpless plaything.  Being disappointed that you didn't get what you wanted is one thing, but to put those expectations on someone and then to throw a tantrum when it doesn't work out that way is another.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: 2chickiebaby on October 26, 2009, 03:27:30 PM
We don't understand straight forward and rude. No, we don't.  A tantrum?  I have never thrown one but she has.  They are indescribable. 

The great girls who loved him!!  It makes me sick, you're right!  They were accomplished and mannered and they loved us.  He fell for the one who needed him.  No, she isn't what we'd have wanted at all.  We have given to that girl/woman our last time. 
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: Ihopeuknow on October 26, 2009, 03:34:27 PM
Anna: I read your whole post and 10 years is quite some time but is there a statute of limitations on love? Is there a time limit on how much you want to be with your son.  Is there a limit to the lengths you will go through the trials and tribulations you will pass to have a united family?  That's my question for you and my question for my MIL.  It's great that you were there to support your DIL when she needed you and she was open with the fact that she needed you, just because things aren't good now and just because she isn't running to you with open arms doesn't mean that she doesn't need you.  She may need you in a different capacity.  It is your job to figure out what that is.  Being apart of someone's life isn't something you're entitled to.  People let you in and out of their lives based on what they need and what they can handle.  We all do it.  My mentality is that if we're so young and naive and you're so wise then fix it.  Do everything and anything you can to fix it.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: 2chickiebaby on October 26, 2009, 03:39:15 PM
Speaking only for myself, she does not want us.  She would like to have a friendship with our other DIL but she can't.  Too much water under the bridge. 

In the beginning she asked DIL to be with her against me.  So, that's what we're up against.

Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: 2chickiebaby on October 26, 2009, 03:45:52 PM
You're lucky, Anna.  If son wants you in their lives, I think that's a victory. 
Our son is only what she allows him to be.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: Ihopeuknow on October 26, 2009, 04:56:50 PM
I think you guys are bonding over a common enemy.  Misery loves company and none of you feel good right now about your situation and instead of trying to help each other solve a problem your wallowing together about how the situation sucks and you've been shafted.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: 2chickiebaby on October 26, 2009, 05:04:46 PM
I know...it shouldn't be like that.  It should be building people up and working on trying to help each other. When we're having to defend ourselves, though, it makes it kind of difficult.  The other sites that bash MILs do this.  They bash, each telling a 'worse than yours tale.'  Their misery knows no bounds!

The difference is that they don't let an MIL on it.  This is the only place where we can post our misery.  DILs can get on this one.

I hope to begin a different path, thanks for the alert.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: Ihopeuknow on October 26, 2009, 05:14:14 PM
I originally posted here because I did care.  Because my MIL and SIL were "tired of trying".  But honestly I'm at the point where if MIL and SIL are "tired of trying" and my husband is "tired of trying" why should I do all the work.  I have a perfectly healthy family on my side of the coin.  I would love for my husband to have the same but if they can't work it out it's not wholly my responsibility and I shouldn't be stessed out because of it.  We have our boundaries set and that's our new course of action.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: 2chickiebaby on October 26, 2009, 05:31:47 PM
I guess, in a way, I am wallowing.  This has been a tough blow to me and my husband.  I feel sorry for us.

I have to come to terms with their choice of mates.  I don't like it but I have to come to terms with it.  I just wish I never had to see her ever again. I don't think you'd like her if you met her. 

I'd get a twinge of hurt now and then when she comes to town or doesn't even acknowledge a gift I send her for her birthday.  I won't send another one. 

I know this is going to hurt son.  I don't want to do that but I can't keep giving and never getting.  I can take a hint.

On the bash MILs sites, they go on and on and on and no one thinks they're wallowing.  We're not allowed the same.  We're going to take our liberties  here, though.  This is the only site of its kind!!   
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: 2chickiebaby on October 26, 2009, 05:33:03 PM
she gets out, it's trouble!!!
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: Ihopeuknow on October 26, 2009, 05:34:41 PM
I'm just speaking as a DIL.  I'm speaking as someone who has heard everything you're saying only I've heard it on the other side of the fence and I know in my case it's not true in which case it could also not be true for your DILs. 

And I've seen plenty of MILs on the sites that bash MILs...no one is keeping you off them.  I'm not here to rile up the MILs who are here for support but I hope I'm helping to offer a fresh perspective.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: 2chickiebaby on October 26, 2009, 05:38:22 PM
They do kick you off; I've been kicked off all of them. Lord, they are mean.

You are helping and I appreciate it.  Thank you!!  We need help.   :)
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: Ihopeuknow on October 26, 2009, 05:55:12 PM
In my case I don't have children yet but I do see how my MIL is a manipulative person.  She's even said that when we have children that she will do her best to make sure they see the "real me" the me that she sees.  I don't trust my MIL and because I know how she feels about me I don't want her around my children because I wouldn't want her saying things to them.  That aside what if she didn't say anything to them...okay.  She doesn't like me, but those children will be half me and it's not fair to myself to be an "incubator" so she can have grandkids and show them off.

It might be the same for your DIL she might feel that you would be a negative influence on her children.  I mean if you don't like her and she feels that she may feel that you don't like part of her children or that you would tell her children about her.  We are an untrusting group of people we DILs when it comes to our MILs.  Gain the trust gain the peace.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: Pen on October 26, 2009, 06:04:09 PM
In our case we should have gained the trust already - we helped her out of a legal jam, paid our share of the groom's expenses, helped pay their rent, loaned them a car, paid son's tuition, etc. etc. We just found out that DIL just doesn't like who we are. It's nothing specific that we've said or done, it's just us. Our son invited us to an event and then had to cancel because she didn't want us to go. He was very upset and told us then how she felt. So what can we fix? And if they have kids, what chance do we have to see our grandchildren?
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: Ihopeuknow on October 26, 2009, 06:24:05 PM
You aren't concerned about money but "time with your grandchildren is payment enough" I understand what you mean (I know you don't mean anything bad), but it sounds terrible.  Your grandchildren aren't a commodity and maybe DIL feels that way.  Maybe she feels under the burden of "owing".  I feel when you do all of those things you do them not to earn trust but out of the goodness of your heart and sometimes when you do them you don't realize that there feels like there are strings attached.  Maybe there are no strings, but it can still feel that way and that can put a huge strain on a relationship.  Especially if you put the above quote into play.  Maybe DIL doesn't want to feel that you are entitled to time with her children because she "owes you" or that her children are payment for a debt.  And I'm not saying you did anything to make her feel this way, but we as women sometimes draw our own conclusions and fall prey to our own thoughts and feelings.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: just2baccepted on October 26, 2009, 06:29:40 PM
Wow, I didn't know this interesting exchange was going on.  Now I see why I got jumped on in another thread.  Passions are high right now.

Yes I agree that problem solving is the better idea here.  Because it would be better if everyone just loved each other, but I realize the painful reality is that's not always possible.

Since I have been unable to have children I can't possibly put myself in the shoes of the MIL's who are hurting over their difficult DIL's.  I would just say please don't give up.  But I also want to say that for those of you who have had difficult DIL's, did you ever have a MIL that hated you for silly reasons?? It goes both ways. This crap doesn't just happen to MIL's.  I would say yes maybe I'm too young and inexperienced to see the lifetime big picture but I do know that the way my MIL has treated me is ridiculous.  I also like many of you MIL's wanted to loved my MIL as my own mother but she rejected me.  But as my husband said "don't feel bad, she would have rejected Princess Diana if I had married her."  My question is, why???
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: Ihopeuknow on October 26, 2009, 06:31:04 PM
Just2be: Nice insight.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: Pen on October 26, 2009, 06:39:16 PM
We, too, did what our DIL asked, but then were told it wasn't enough (see previous post.) Never thanked, never acknowledged. Now hated. Wha???
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: just2baccepted on October 26, 2009, 06:42:15 PM
I don't expect my MIL to do a thing for me, nor would I want her to.  I just ask that she doesn't try to turn my own husband against me. I don't think that's too much to ask.  I just think about all the times I was nice to her and had good conversations with her.  All the while she was talking about me behind my back and I guess trying to sabotage my marriage.  All because I believe she has an unhealthy fear of abandonment.  That's just a guess, but it sure looks that way to me.  I want to tell her I'm not the enemy, we could have been good friends.  She hid all this well too.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: mom2 on October 26, 2009, 06:43:20 PM
JTB,

That was a nice post. I do, by all means, realize there are nasty MIL's out there and it sounds like you got one.
I am not discrediting you or HUK .
I just want to be able to say things w/o being told how I should act or feel. Like one of the comments were something like Gain trust, gain peace but in some DIL cases it's  ' Kiss A** and gain peace.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: Ihopeuknow on October 26, 2009, 06:45:24 PM
Anna: it's okay to expect a return for what you gave your son and DIL.  But those are guidelines you should have had when you lent out.  That didn't happen and that's fine. To expect a return is one thing to expect your grandchildren's time as the return as payment for services or money rendered is another thing.

Just2b: I'm with you.  I too want that trust and security from my MIL.  I don't want things especially because I don't want to owe her.  But I do want to feel that there isn't this sense that she's trying to sabatoge my marriage.  I don't want this me against her feeling.  I want her to know that we are a family and I am not the enemy. Some of the people she listens to are giving her bad advice and telling her to shut her son out...they're the enemy.  Not I.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: just2baccepted on October 26, 2009, 06:48:36 PM
Mom2 - I totally understand and respect your feelings as well as the other MIL's on this board.  It's hard to get fussed at for expressing your feelings.  I don't dismiss any of the MIL's on this site because I hate to say it but women can be caddy and very competetive with each other.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: Ihopeuknow on October 26, 2009, 06:54:22 PM
Anna: I didn't say you shouldn't expect time with your grandchildren.  Just that you shouldn't expect it in return for what you've given your DIL and Son.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: just2baccepted on October 26, 2009, 06:58:57 PM
Anna I hope you don't feel ganged up on here.  I really do think you have a sincere problem with your DIL. And I agree that you shouldn't' just be used as a babysitter and that you should be able to see them more one your terms as well.  You seem like a nice lady who just wants to spend time with your grandchildren on your terms as well.  I don't think there's anything wrong with that at all.  I think everyone is just coming from different points of view and we all have suffered because of our IL's in some manner.

Yes I can relate more with Ihopeyouknow, but I don't dismiss your problems at all.  I only wish the best for all of us.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: Ihopeuknow on October 26, 2009, 07:09:15 PM
Anna: I wasn't addressing your babysitting situation.  I was addressing your idea that seeing your grandchildren was repayment for what you gave your DIL and Son.  You babysit the children and you get to see them...granted you don't get to do what you want with them but you get to see them which is more than most other MILs get to do.  Is it fair for you to babysit and then not get to do what you want when you want, maybe not but we take what we can get. Especially in a situation where everyone feels hurt.  You feel you're not getting enough time with your grandchildren and she probably feels you get enough time.  She may feel that weekends and her time off is her time with the children and when she has time with her children since she has to be away from them.  You feel she's hurting you and she feels the same way. 

She might be using you for your babysitting services, but then again would you say that your son is using you?  Because they're his children too.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: mom2 on October 26, 2009, 07:18:09 PM
Anna,
Throughout all of our family issues, I have always remained their number one ( free ) babysitter.
I won't bow to them but I will, when I can, watch the kids because I love them and I want to.
That is the one thing that is hard to understand... how we are so bad and yet Son and DIL have both told me " you are who we trust with our kids".

I have to say, although we don't see eye to eye, that my DIL is a very good mother and wife. She is just not willing to share her husband with his mom.

I do hope this gets better for us all.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: just2baccepted on October 26, 2009, 07:19:39 PM
I think Ihopeuknow just made some good points, but I was thinking that I've seen this go on in my own family.  I have a relative who had a child and then expected her mother to practically raise him.  She definitely uses her mom and my sister has done the same crap to my mom.  So I guess to make a true opinion we'd have be on jury to come to a decision as to who is right here.  But I think what Anna is saying is that she feels used by her DIL and son.  Like they maybe dump the kids off at bad times for Anna but then when Anna wants to see them, like take them to the zoo then the DIL says no.  Am I right here? I'm just saying I can see how that would be frustrating.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: mom2 on October 26, 2009, 07:26:30 PM
I know women are competitive ! that's part of our makeup huh?

I do want to say that with the babysitting thing, I do what is asked of me to do with the children. I respect that they are their parents and I am the Grandma.

I always make effort to give credit where credit is due and my DIL/Son are very good parents.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: mom2 on October 26, 2009, 07:28:36 PM
Yes, I agree with Anna and that is being used.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: 2chickiebaby on October 26, 2009, 08:17:24 PM
sometimes the only thing we have to be able to fit in is to be used. 
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: just2baccepted on October 26, 2009, 10:44:22 PM
After being apart of this blog, I've almost been glad that I can't have kids.  I just don't know what to think anymore about any of this.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: Ihopeuknow on October 27, 2009, 08:43:41 AM
Anna: I'm not being contradictory and I'm not trying to discount your feelings.  I'm going to get a bad wrap on here for this but I want to play devil's advocate.  I'm sure you have plenty of people in your life telling you that you're right and you may very well be.  I just want to give you the maybe on the other side of the coin.  If maybe you can see what your DIL might be thinking then maybe one day there will be some understanding between you two.

I don't think that it's 100% right for your DIL to deny you taking your grandchildren to special places but I can see how she wouldn't want you to take them if she hasn't yet.  If they're going to the zoo or to an amusement park or anything special she wants to be there.  She wants to see their reactions, she wants to be apart of that memory or she may want to have that memory herself.  And I hear you that she has yet to take them to these places, I can't comment as to why she hasn't, maybe time, maybe money, maybe something more sinister...I'm not sure.

But you being a mother yourself can at least understand why she would want to be the one to take her children to these places no? You can understand her wanting to do the "first" anything with her kids. 
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: Kinzey on October 27, 2009, 08:56:58 AM
I kind of want to go with what Ihopeyouknow said and I will probably get the wrap for it too, but the husband doesn't need to go against the wife unless some physical or psychological harm is being done to the kids. The dad of course doesn't understand because he is not as emotionally attatched to the kids like the mom is. And because all of you mil are of course mothers, don't you remember being over protective of your children at one point? i'm not saying this dil is right in her rude actions and her being b**chy but she does have a right to be protective and her husband does not need to go against her because his wife and kids are the top priority.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: just2baccepted on October 27, 2009, 10:59:11 AM
Like I said a jury would have to decide whose right on this one.  Kinzey and Ihopeuknow also made good points.  I don't have kids so I can't put myself in mommy mode of thinking.

I know that I've seen my MIL compete very hard with her own daughter for the affections of her grandchild.  Its like a tug of war and MIL wins everytime because my SIL is very passive.  I remember when my nephew was first born, DH and I walked into the hospital room and there was SIL sitting in her bed and MIL sitting in a chair beside her holding her new grandchild.  Mil was beeming like she was a new mother herself.  We were there for an hour or so and I never saw anyone else hold the baby except MIL.  MIL told me one time that she wished her daughter would move away but leave the grandchild with her and FIL.  Then another time she said that grandchild would rather live with her and FIL.  I didn't believe that for a second.  So I realize that MIL is not only competitive with me but everyone else around her.  She's a bottomless pit that can't be filled enough.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: Ihopeuknow on October 27, 2009, 11:03:37 AM
Just2b: I find that my MIL is very competitve as well.  She feels the need to be the center of attention and takes credit for a lot of things.  If someone is talking about their job, she discusses how she was praised at her job.  When my husband graduated from Law School it was because she raised him right and when he got an award it was because of her.  When Grandmom-in-law(my MIL's MIL) was sharing some of the family history MIL interrupted her to say how her family history was rich too.  I feel like I'm in the middle of the song "Anything you can do I can do better" and people around her are so used to the behavior I think instead of fighting it they just indulge it.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: AnnieB on October 27, 2009, 11:09:41 AM
I keep trying to point out that this isn't a MIL - DIL point only.

There are some women who are just competitive with other women for the attention of .. men or others. 

My mother competed with her sisters for any male attention (maybe because they grew up without a father or male in their young lives, I dunno).   She then competed with me for my father's attention, then with my sister and myself.    She tried to compete with me for my boyfriends and husband's attention and when that didn't work, undermined them. 

I have also seen mother in laws on both sides of families compete for the attention of their offsprings families and for grandchildren's love.  My ex-husband's ex-wife used to try to compete big time with me for my grandson's love through gifts (she had more money, I didn't even try to compete on that level).   My mother one Christmas found out what my in-laws were giving the kids, duplicated the gifts and gave them early. (My MIL just laughed and said now the kids had two of the gifts, how nice).

I've seen stepmothers competing with their husband's ex-wives for the attention of the husband's sons.   I've seen daughters competing with the stepmother's for their father's attention. 

Some people compete and really get into it, some step back.  Doing anything from a point of competition is a losing game I think.   Nobody wins, especially the kids.

Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: just2baccepted on October 27, 2009, 11:41:12 AM
There are some women who are just competitive with other women for the attention of .. men or others. 

Amen to that!  AnnieB you always seem to have a good perspective.  I dont think this is all DIL/MIL issue either, I think its about women who need to be the center of attention.  I see the big picture with my MIL.  Of course I personalize the crap she does to me, but believe me I see her doing to competive stuff with other people.  But its weird because its only certain people.  Its like you must fit a certain role before she'll start this competition with you.

Ihopuknow - it sounds like your MIL needs to feel important.  She probably has low self esteem.  When my uncle and my dad both retired they both talked contanstly about the good old days at their jobs.  My dad could be very agressive about it too.  He'd talk AT you for an hour sometimes about his old job.  I think he was just needing to feel important again.  He had been a vice president of an insurance company.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: 2chickiebaby on October 27, 2009, 12:37:59 PM
In comparison, let me tell you about my daughter in law.  A pall comes over the room when she enters, much like a morgue.  If son says anything that takes attention away from her, she interupts him or us to re-direct the attention to her again. He must never laugh or get tickled at anything.  She is the center of attention.

When our lively debates get going, which we love and we encouraged here for IQ building, she gets very upset.  She knows nothing about the world, politics, different cultures, TV shows, funny situations, nothing.  All the sons' silly verbatem movies they used to recite, they can't do anymore. Silly things like Smokey and the Bandit...they would do their routines and recite every word but no more.  It's just too stupid, you know.

Anything that's funny, she doesn't get or thinks is stupid.  "that's so stupid", she says.  Yes, it is stupid that's why it's so funny.

I can totally equate her to a marching soldier.  That's what she does, march, in step, no veering off, just marching.  She's cold, focused on herself and her mission to get what she wants. Everything would be fine if we just never had to see her again but we do to see son. 

So, we sit quietly.  Never doing any of our routines, never mentioning anything we once loved so we can do the dance of the eggshells just because she's in the room. Close DIL, I know would rather drink Castor Oil than have her there.   
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: Ihopeuknow on October 27, 2009, 12:59:56 PM
Maybe it's a little bit of "Herd mentality" : http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008/10/19/home/main4531225.shtml

After all maybe it's easier for everyone to band together than it is for one person to reach out to her.  It's easier to go along with everyone else than to be the odd duck.  Maybe there's a fear if someone bonds with her that the group will turn on them too.

I know that my husband's family (including his extended family on MILs side) have found it easier to shut us out because that's how they bond.  They feel it shows loyalty for all of them to support MIL against us than it would be to help us feel comfortable and in doing so help us come closer to the family. But husban's father's family has been really nice to use and Grandma-in-law has been especially keen on being kind to us and that's what keeps us in any contact with his family.

Perhaps both of your DILs are terrible people.  But maybe the reason others don't like her might be because they feel it is disloyal to you to like her.   

Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: Ihopeuknow on October 27, 2009, 01:19:05 PM
Anna: You probably couldn't.  I'm of the stock that believes that no one can possibly try everything.  It's the reason I kept trying with my MIL and will probably continue to do so.  I believe that there is always something we're missing.  I believe that if we look and hunt enough that there's on clue I'm missing or a clue she's missing and if we could figure it out then we would find ourselves on the right path.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: Ihopeuknow on October 27, 2009, 01:38:16 PM
I don't think that at all, that a DIL should just sit back and watch her MIL work hard and do nothing. I think that's unfair.  I do think sometimes it's hard for people though.  I think that sometimes no one knows where to start.  I think that sometimes there's a lot of mistrust and distrust.  I think pride gets in the way sometimes and at others it's fear. No one wants to be hurt anymore and everyone feels hurt so we go into self-preservation mode.  But I also think that 'Life isn't supoosed to be easy, it's supposed to be worth it' and I know that the roadblocks in life don't matter, what matters is what you do when you come against them.  I think, so what if your DIL fights you at every juncture, you fight harder for the good you want.  So what if she ignores you at every point when you try to get through to her, you try harder.  So what if she puts you down and she hurts you, you stand up and say to yourself "I'm better than this". And you do whatever it takes at all costs to get what you want...A happy family.  Because a happy family is worth it.  It is worth it. And everytime you have a set back you look for support and you look for comfort and then you dust yourself off and you try again because you're the Mom.  You are the MOM. And you can do it! That's what I think.
Title: Re: dil's different upbringing
Post by: cremebrulee on December 23, 2009, 06:13:22 AM
some very very wise points presented in this thread.  Kinsey...here are my thoughts...I'm with YOU all the way...I couldn't be smothered like that, and as much as family traditions are nice, happy and festive, one cannot expect everyone to feel the same way.  I wouldn't ever want anyone to come to my home on a holiday, if they didn't want to be there...and, when a newly wedded couple becomes one, then, it's they're choice together....where they wish to spend the holidays.  Yes, it hurts, but life isn't always easy and we can't always have it the way we want, we cannot expect our kids to live OUR dreams of what we feel life is.

2nd, I surely wouldn't want anyone swearing around me or my kids...me, I tell people right out...my BIL is notorious for telling off color jokes and getting into politics and he is way staunch repuplican...and loves to start an argument and then tells you off when you disagree....so, I tell him...we won't have that in this house.  Usually on holidays I have a mixed set of frends and family come, and everyone has theyr own believefs and those beliefs should be respected.

I would definately discuss this with your husband to be, BEFORE your married...and make certain, he isn't dependent on his parents....giving him money is not right, it's a way to say, ok, when we need something we expect you to be there....it's controlling...and enables children to become dependent on parents...wrong!

I used to go away for Christmas vacation and my family didn't understand it or like ti, but that's where I wanted to be...and it wasn't anything personal...I just wanted to be on an island somewhere...or by the ocean. 

So, maybe what you could do is have a holiday dinner and invite your inlaws and your parents the Sat. before Chrismas and tell them, you want to do this or that...there is always a way to work it out, if everyone is flexable, and once your children get married you have to be flexable.

Again, I would seriously consider counseling before you get married so your BF realizes how dependent he has become on his parents and how important it is for him to leave the nest....there has to be respect for each others ethnic and cultural background...from both sides...but, whatever your BF grew up with, is how he's going to feel, so this may cause severe problems for you...heartbreak and givig up who youare and what you believe....it is so important when dating to get these things ironed out in the very beginning, b/c if your not mentally compatible, one person is going to give more then the other, and that's ok, it's normal...but then there is the extreme and you don't want to find yourself buried and being smothered to death.  It's a real killer, beleieve me...you become very resentful and unhappy.  There is nothing worse then that feeling of lonliness when you give up who you are and what you believed in.

Good luck...