March 28, 2024, 02:34:18 PM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Show posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.

Messages - luise.volta

8341
I doubt anyone will chew you out, Prissy, for coming from your experience. What comes up for me is cause and effect. When FMIL comes from her emotions, she becomes an out of control child...a danger (psychologically) to herself and others. She is closing the door by her behavior. We don't let a two year old drive the car.

I will digress here and share a senior moment with all of you: When a staff member I am close to here in my retirement center went to Hawaii to marry, it was not an elopement. No one was surprised or shocked. Everyone knew when they were going. When they got back, there was a fun reception with a Hawaiian theme.

I put the reception date on my calendar. When the day came, I got all dressed up in my Hawaiian outfit but when I got to the hall on time, I was surprised at how many people were there ahead of me...(all in Hawaiian garb, of course.) I put my little gift and attached card on the table at the entrance and looked around in the crowd for someone I knew to sit with. No luck. Then I saw the bride and groom...two people I had never seen before in my life..and tiptoed out!

A week later, on the correct date, I repeated my performance, with a different gift and card and had a wonderful time. When they set up the mike and stated sharing, I had to tell one and all, of course. Talk about stealing the spotlight...the bride and groom laughed themselves silly!

We always wondered what happened when bride and groom number one opened my card and gift and asked each other the question, "Who's Luise?"

8342
I agree about writing. I often work through things with my fingers and my keyboard. :)
8343
Good for you for getting counseling. That all makes perfect sense to me although I still feel a cancellation and a wedding in Hawaii with only your witnesses present...plus a great video to bring back with you...is your best bet. Perfect memories, no chaos.(I'm sure weddings have been canceled for less.) Then a reception for everyone after you get back...where you show the video. She couldn't ruin a reception like she could ruin a wedding. They are very different events.

Who is going to keep FMIL out? Are you going to post a bouncer at the door? I'm serious. If you did, she might throw a howling tantrum! What can you possibly do to insure she won't show up? Trust her not to because she wasn't invited?

This is so sad. Right in the middle of your greatest joy...this terminally insecure woman figuratively crying like a baby and sucking her thumb....throwing her rattle and trying to stop the show. I say, leave her there and marry elsewhere in peace and quiet.

8344
Well, you sound pretty sure of yourself. That's good. My guess is that Prissy is right but if you are willing to suffer the consequences...then the time has come.

I once told my son I "had no choice" regarding some kind of an issue, (I've forgotten what), but I haven't forgotten what he said..."There are always choices, we just don't want to face the consequences of our actions."

The fact that you have felt a weight lift feels promising to me. I can usually depend on that kind of response in myself as a thumbs up.
8345
Interesting musings...thanks for sharing your thoughts. I do the same thing on my son's birthday but he does something quite wonderful. Whether we are alone or at a birthday gathering, when I wish him Happy Birthday...he grins and says..."And Happy Birthing Day to you, Mom!"

And of course it is hard to have an open mind regarding yet another DIL. She may be the exception to the rule, though, and a real winner. It happens!! Crossing my fingers for you!
8346
To Irpesky: You haven't don't anything wrong. Because you have a loving heart, you are allowing yourself to be used. We all know that one. The kids are being deprived of a wonderful grandmother because your DIL is so childish herself and has no clue how to even pretend to be an adult. Her mother is enabling that, obviously. And your son is caught in the middle. Bless your heart.
8347
I'm just saying "Why would anyone let loose on you?" That's how you ended your post.
8348
No way, Prissy. That has been your experience and it's very real. It has been mine, too, so I know what you are talking about. This is not anyone's fantasy. When it happens, it is beyond comprehension and immediately beyond repair...no matter what we do or how hard we try. That's because it about them, not us.

The only reason I take the other approach, as well, is because I have a DIL and an ex-DIL who would take a bullet for me in a New York Minute. We have DILs like that on our Forum. Wonderful, warm, bright and loving women who are dishonored and tortured by sicko MILs. That's why I keep harping on the fact that they aren't all bad. And I know it doesn't help to know that when a smiling "demon-in-disguise" comes along and makes off with a beloved son.

I also agree that to fight back in any way just adds fuel to the fire and changes nothing.
8349
What a tough situation. I agree that you need an impartial person in your corner, like a good therapist.

If your husband isn't concerned about what this is costing you, personally, he is choosing his daughter over you, isn't he? The dance between them keeps her his "little girl." Then every other week she gets to play "mommy" but it's a game because she doesn't pay rent like "big girls" do.

It's clear by the way you describe your mistakes that you know what led up to the present situation, but I would feel pretty miserable in your shoes if I was over there mowing the lawn and keeping the house for sale tidy without any help from her. The same with the original painting and cleaning. It's disgusting to my way of thinking.

This can't help but be putting a wedge between you and your husband, since he supports it and you don't. I wonder, is that's her goal? To have "daddy" all to herself?

I know the others may not agree with me, but I'm afraid if it were me, I would leave them to each other and look for a saner life.
8350
OMG! Thinking...thinking...feeling your anguish...feeling...feeling...
8351
That's sweet and the truth is...if you are "there" now, you will be then.  :)
8352
I don't actually quote others because the blue box the quote comes in has printing too small for my old eyes. But what you're doing, in addressing the specific person and referring to their comment while combining your observations works well.

What a learning curve we're on. And I wouldn't touch 20 again with a 10 foot pole, either! I wouldn't even want to go back to 60 or 70. I am having way too much fun in my 80s! My life is still about learning and growing but my struggles are not as confusing and intense. Lots of miles and lots of lessons.

I watch my husband in his late 90s, enjoying life and in such a state of Grace. Nothing ruffles him. It's beautiful to watch and live with his acceptance. He's a great teacher.

8353
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Bridges
August 14, 2009, 01:15:30 PM
Oh, boy...large amounts of alcohol in an already no-win situation! :(
8354
What lessons we get to learn about self-worth...to move past the pitiful, "You're fine, how am I?..stance." I've met people who appear to have arrived on this earth with that one (self-worth) handled and others who don't even know that it has to be addressed. For me, it's been a slow but sure process. When I was young I looked at others faces and listened to what they said about me and the tone of voice they used for definition. I didn't have a clue that what they said was about them, not me. Thanks for the book recommendations.
8355
Coinkydink? Oh, I love that word! How am I ever going to remember to use it?! ;D