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Hello Smiles, I understand how you are feeling because last Easter the FOO spent together and I was left alone, even DH wasn't there then. I bought easter eggs for the GK but never participated in an easter egg hunt with them.
Women who give birth to boys need to expect that they'll play second fiddle once the sons are married. It seems to be - almost - a natural law - of course there are exceptions but those are few and far between.
I have 2 DS and though I know my heart will never stop bleeding about this, I attempt to make life bearable and focus on having a good time with DH (I'm very grateful to have him) but it's a lot more lonely than being a mother of DDs where the post-marriage relationship just seems to fall into place because D are easier with their own parents.
I was orphaned early in life, so when I got married I did not have parents. My FIL said to DH at the time: Count your blessings, son for getting married to a girl whose parents are no longer there.' I thought at the time that was a pretty mean thing to say but I do see his point now. Ha! 
Sorry to hear about your disappointment.

Big hugs Pen for being so honest to yourself and in this space.
Those feelings that come to visit us are so strong and when they are upon us we just have to knuckle down and succumb to them - as long as it takes -.
You feel that you've lost your DS to all this 'false glitter'. I know that feeling also - and it makes you feel  so deserted.
But everything is not lost, life has a tendency to change and often for the better.
I do hope that the green eyed monster will subside and stay away for longer and longer until it's gone completely. Good luck 

Sorry Soft Hearted, I didn't realise you had gone through a break-up as well when I posted my earlier response. So you know what that's like and to get a second DIL from hell, just such tough luck. I'm sorry to hear this, what a pity that the children are suffering also. Thinking of you, it seems a no-win situation ...

Now your drama queen DIL sounds really familiar. I've been there, walked on eggshells, got hurt, was told off, the lot ...

But now that she is ExDIL, I wish I could have her 'warts and all'  (and my GC) back in my life and none of the awful things that have happened after the break-up would have come to pass. Give me drama queen any time, I say now but one is always wiser in hindsight.

I'm not writing this to make light of your concerns and hurt because I've been there and know how it can affect our sense of well being, all I'm trying to say is there is always worse. If your DS is somehow happy with the situation that's better than him wanting to leave the drama queen because he can't stand her any more.

Good luck with your DIL, she sounds immature and not that confident. Maybe she will change for the better some day.

Dear Jane, this brought tears to my eyes. You are so strong. I wish I could be there for you - with hands-on help - so to speak.
You are fighting on many fronts now, family tragedy, disappointment in your child and to top it all, an administration which is making it even more difficult for you. The future well-being of your GC - who are so lucky to have your unconditional love -, is at stake and you provide a ray of light for them. You should get all the help possible from every organisation there is.
I'm deeply moved by what you are going through. Stay strong. Sorry this conversation is in cyber space only. I'm humbled by the strength you show in this situation.

Thank you so much for your reply. It has been most helpful. Not to mention DIL is a good thing under the circumstances because I have done this during telephone conversations and always got the vibes that I shouldn't have.
The listening, listening, listening is so important now.
Thanks again for taking the time to think about and respond to somebody's problems who you don't even know as a person. It is like a balm.

My DS left his family about five months ago and though we did see him in the meantime he was very distant and strange, so DH and myself had no way really to get through to him. He rang the other day to ask whether he could come to see us (DH and I live in a different country, so it is an effort). We are very pleased about this.
Of course, we are looking forward to him coming very much indeed but at the same time I want to get it right and take this visit as a chance to improve our relationship, at the same time I don't want to be too clingy or expect too much.
I'm very upset about what happened to him and his former DW and our GK who we now can't see any more because the FOO have taken over completely. So how can I get this right and make the most of DS visit?
He is in a very bad state at the moment because he is declined access to his own DSs, so everything is in limbo at the moment and we are all hurting.

Just realised we are sharing the same birthday. March 9th. Enjoy the day. 

Quote from: Ruth on March 06, 2012, 08:04:37 AM
  It was only after life had beaten me up enough did I really grow a soul.

Sorry to hear about your pain, Ruth. I can understand that you didn't want to be shown up in front of your GSs and that this pain has hit your core. (((hugs)))) from Chelms as was - 'Forever Spring' is more positive and I need all the Positives in my life just now.

Your insight quoted above is relevant in my view, Ruth and I have come to the conclusion that we help our children far too much. I read somewhere that the currency for help given can only be gratitude from those who receive help. Maybe just maybe our children find it really difficult to be grateful for all the things we do for them and for that reason they turn disrespectful.
I also ask myself if our generation had less material means and we couldn't support our children the way we do (picking up children from school, taking them for special outings etc. costs money) because we didn't have the money to pay for it?  Would they be able to cope better on their own and as a result 'grow souls', as you say? I don't know. I used to be that person who helped unconditionally and as a result I have caused a lot of misery to myself and people close to me. I just didn't have a clue how counter productive this can be if the people you help resent being grateful it deep down inside.
Our own GPs were a lot poorer, nobody would even have expected material help from them and they were respected for what they could give.
I do hope for your sake that time will heal the rift with DD (on a diet now, how can she be herself?) but I'm also sure that your GSs are blissfully unaware of all of this and just take you and love you for what you are: A GREAT GRANDMA! Congratulations to that

I also changed my password to Forever Spring, used to be Chelmsford 36 which I never really liked, so this is the new me with hope in my heart!

Pen, when everything was fine with my DS and DIl - well not fine exactly but so so, I also wished that FOO would move away but they didn't and I'm not blaming them but in a way they may have been a minor contributing factor in the break up. They were always there and probably made my DS feel inadequate. I would so much like to 'muck in' with practical help with the GKs now and would go out of my way to make this happen. However FOO fulfil this task adequately as they showed me when I was over and they didn't call on me at all. (However, they are complaining that it's all getting a bit too much for them now.)

Ruth, thank you so much for sharing your experience of the breakup of your DD and SIL. They are similarities in that your DD left SIL and as in my case DS is the one who has done the wrong thing in the eyes of the family. The difference is that you liked your SIL and felt a sense of loss when he went. I don't think I like my DIL deep down inside but I do feel compassion with the situation she finds herself in at the moment.  Compassion for somebody in pain goes beyond mere likes or dislikes. I do try and put myself into her shoes and I'm hurt when I imagine what she must be going through. Everything that she has been certain of, a loving DH who was at her beck and call almost until the minute he left, her marriage to him and the memories of this time, the well-being of her children, her status amongst her friends, her entire future etc. etc. I see all of this, even though I realise that I can't totally feel it as I'm not IN the situation on a daily basis. I would like to express my compassion to her but I know that this is a NO NO for the time being.
However as you said Ruth, we must keep out of their affairs. You found a way of dealing with the situation and though it seems that the wound will never heal completely you have made the most of a not so good situation and kept your integrity. It is about setting boundaries, this is something I'm learning now - the hard way. It's touching to hear how you communicate with your SIL via the GK, they are blessed children who have such a lovely grandma. I hope in three years' time I can talk about my own success in dealing with this.

Ruth, your words meant a lot to me and have given me strength to take myself back even though this is the most difficult thing to do. Mind you, I do write nasty letters to everybody concerned and vent, vent, vent but those will never be sent and get destroyed when they have fulfilled their use of extinguishing my red hot anger. If walls could talk!

I'm very sad now but the little voice inside myself says that things - though they will never be the same - may morph into something positive that will make us all a bit happier. Their marriage must have been very unhappy for a long time. My YDS, DH and I never felt relaxed around DS and DIL, so the break-up may be cleansing. Time will - as always - tell.

Thank you again for listening. I will try and reserve a space for my sorrow now and not allow it to overtake my entire life. I've got other commitments too.

Quote from: Ruth on February 05, 2012, 08:54:24 AMI guess I'm saying that people can become desensitized and inured to other people's needs frighteningly fast.   I think that time and life will open his eyes and bring him full circle,
The tide will turn, I hope you can take some comfort in knowing that its also happening to others who don't understand, and didn't create the problem.

Wise words, Ruth.
I'm so sorry about your predicament CG - and not knowing what all of this brought about must be unbearable. At this time you deserve all the tender loving care that you can get. It's cruel that you don't.
I'm going through an estrangement phase with my DS at the moment and not sure what to do about it. It's so difficult and painful to back off. I do hope it'll only be a phase.
Hope your DS will see the error of his ways soon and return to your loving fold.

Quote from: Silver Spring on February 03, 2012, 12:12:07 PM
She is dying of pneumonia as we speak.

So sorry to hear about your friend, my thoughts are with you Silver Spring. So sad to see her go.
I also had a good friend who was the mother of a former boyfriend. She passed away many years ago but this friendship meant a lot and I only have good memories. Our life is so multi-faceted, I do celebrate this even when I'm in pain.

Thank you so much for your sound advice and for taking the time to respond.
Yes the timing was bad but FOO pleaded to visit to see for myself and I responded. In the end I think they just hoped that I could persuade DS to change his mind. They were not very forthcoming to include me, never have been even when things were good between DS and DIL. They could have invited me to spend time with them and the GK as they had them for the some of the days I was there. Sadly this didn't even cross their mind.
I couldn't see the GK when DS had them because they are in their own home with him and DIL is often there too. They try to have 'foursome' days to make the children happy.
The advice to have a future relationship with DIL on her terms was really helpful. I will back off now and be very very very patient and trust that time will heal wounds and that my love and commitment will come into its own in time.
Wish me luck and thanks again for your help.

I haven't posted here for a while because what I'm going through at the moment is really rough and I didn't know how to put it into words.

Those of you who keep an eye on the postings on this forum will know that I never got on with my DIL right from the start. I was always respectful of their marriage though and thought that DS had found a support in her and was proud of what they had achieved together, 2 kids, nice house everything in the garden just wonderful!!

I was wrong. My DS has left her two months ago though he is still closely involved with the children and looks after her financially. He is with the children 3 days a week and works 60 hours a week, so I believe, without being too biased, that he takes his responsibilities very seriously indeed. He said that he could not live with her any longer, and thinks that the children will be happier in the long run because they do not have to live in a house where the parents are not happy together. My DH and I have to believe him and respect his decision even though we always believed that marriage is for life and thought our children would too.

We got on with the other GP and want to have a good relationship with them for the sake of the GC. As we don't live close I went to see the family for a fortnight last month to see how things were and also to be with the GC and the other GP. I had to go on my own because DH is still working, now I wish I hadn't. This visit has been a total disaster, because the other GP wanted me to talk my DS into going back to their DD - something I had no inclination or indeed power to do. My relationship with DIL turned from bad to worse because she accuses us, my DS and me of not caring enough and not being around when we should have been around. We believe that the marital problems they had are their own and we do not interfere. 

During the 14 days I spent near them I saw the GC once – and only because it was an emergency and nobody was available. I saw my son twice to talk to him about the change in the situation. He seemed distant but explained well why he left.  On my last day the DIL asked me to come to see the GC which I would have done, even though I had my doubts about being alone with her and the GC, as I thought she may accuse me in front of them. Fate had it that my train was delayed for 5 hours, so I couldn't see them after all.

My worry is now and I like to have some advice on this from this forum. I do feel really sorry for my DIL and the pain she must endure now and I would like to extend the hand of friendship and indeed express female loyalty and let bygones be bygones but at the same time I need to be aware that more friendliness on my part may be misinterpreted and I will be abused even more. I'm in a really bad situation because I may not see my GC in the future or only see them when DS has them. So what can I do now, be nice to her no matter how bad she treats me or take the risk? The other GP are now disappointed in me because I could not wave the magic wand.

I do know that it is early days and things may fall into place somehow. But for now I'm heartbroken. I envisaged many problems to affect my happiness but never this one and the worry about the small children is huge.