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Didi that must have been a very tough decision to take. You became the advocate of your GC and must have assessed the situation in the best way possible under the circumstances. Does your DD need counselling for her alcohol abuse? She must be in a dark space now. If she stops drinking, is there hope to get shared custody? That may be a good move for all concerned. Enjoy your GS, he'll get all the attention and love that he needs at the moment and that's wonderful.

Thank you so much for sharing your memories of your own GPs. I do hope that I and DH will be GPs to be remembered as our situation now is not normal with DS having left the family and the FOO are very much involved. We also don't live in the same country any more. All that is left for us is to hope that our goodwill to be good GPs will be noticed, hopefully sooner rather than later, and that we will play a role in our GCs life now, and have a place in their memory in the future, but we have not much control over whether this will happen. This is the hardest thing. Most problems can be solved in life by thinking about them and trying to do the best to change them, but this one, I fear, is out of my hands. There is hope though and you have shown it to me. Thanks.

I would not have a special birthday event for your MIL. That's a strange thing to ask really! When our first GC was one year old my DH couldn't attend because he had to work. This was a big disappointment for all but we wouldn't have dreamed to ask for them to 'stage' another birthday party. I was there and we comforted ourselves with the fact that the little fellow really wouldn't remember who was and wasn't there at this party.  Hope you'll find an amiable way out of this. Must be hard to deal with an awkward MIL at this time in your life when things are busy anyway. 

I refocus by writing and researching my family history. I'm retired now and have no access to my GKs - so lots of time on my hand. I'm using this time to write the history - if it becomes a world best seller you'll be the first to know, dear WW  Here is hoping!
But seriously it will give my GKs something to cherish when they are older and also my DSs may benefit from it.
However, thinking about them is constantly in my mind and will not go away. It just plain hurts and I suppose we all have to go with the flow and wait for it to cease or become easier with time.
I'm also surrounded by happy GPs now - all my friends are so harmonious, see the GK regularly etc. It is a real test of my generosity of spirit to be happy for them. I am of course happy for them. I don't think I'm that mean, but occasionally the green eyed monster raises its head - well we talked about that on this forum before.
Still there is hope and meanwhile - a trip down memory lane and empathy with what my parents and their families had to go through helps a lot.

We can only wait till our AC lives get sorted and then be there for them - hope we'll be around when they come back on board.

Hugs from me too! You're a hero 

Quote from: Silver Spring on April 17, 2012, 09:45:53 AM
There have been times where I have no seen him or my GKs in a year. I am also extremely happy that while my time with DS is limited, it is in chunks of time as opposed to a drop in here or there. I'm the g-ma that is there for special events, however rare by comparison, and to kids, that counts for  something too.

This is what I wish for my future relationship with my GKs. Hope it can be achieved.

Caring less is just not possible and we wouldn't be who we are if we did.

But re-focusing is a good move. And when there is still a DH around, that's even better. I'm sure he'll love being fussed over after years of taking second place after the children.

I read somewhere that parents are only as happy as their most unhappy child, there is truth in that.

Why do youngsters 'hate mum' or MIL or in fact many adults who don't agree with what they want - I'm not sure but from my own experience I can say that I wasn't a good daughter either. My father was born in Germany in 1892. I was his first child. He was 58 when I was born. As a young child I must have been the apple of his eyes. When I was a teenager with an old father, I was inconsiderate of his needs - just a normal teenager really but under the circumstances it wasn't good for him. I just took him for granted.  He died aged 76.
Now in my 60's I realise what he had gone through in his life, two World Wars, the horrible 12 years of the fascist regime, the post war years with famine and poverty etc. If I could have my time over I would be different and very very kind to him always. This is an extreme example because of the historical situation but I think some children are thoughtless when it comes to us because they don't have the experience of life and think they know it all. Later, when they are older, they will change and see the error of their ways as I have done. We can only hope that we will be around then to hear their apologies and forgive.

Have a good day everyone in the virtual family. 

Hurray Poo, so happy for you! 

And yes FB ruins lives, I agree, that's why I'm not on it any more! Beware!

Quote from: Ruth on April 16, 2012, 11:19:10 AM
The problem isn't going away today and many days I just have to be able to tolerate pain and live some quality of life along side of it.  I try to just cherish the victories, and be a realist in knowing that I'm living in a world that more often than not isn't kind, isn't fair, isn't unselfish.

I agree one hundred percent.
I think we can only keep our integrity by being ourselves even in the face of adversity. Display kindness, understanding for the plight of others etc. but at the same time keep a watchful eye on people who exploit or even undermine our positive characteristics. Then we have to shut down. I tend to turn my back on situations where I can't win but I'm not sure whether this is the right way, and I admire you for entering the 'lion's den' for the sake of your son and expose yourself to so much pain, constantmargret. You did the right thing under the circumstances. I believe in years to come your presence there will count and after all, you saw your son perform well. That's a huge bonus and a wonderful item in your memory bank. We tend to forget the bad experiences in time, and that one will shine through.   

Luise your quote is much more gentle and appropriate at any time of life and a lot less demanding than the Mark Twain's sentiment as he specified the time frame. I don't know when Twain wrote this but he must have been younger.

I just put it in this thread which I like very much because it makes me aware how positive thinking can help create a firm basis of trust which can help us cope with the unfortunate and often seemingly unbearable things that life throws at us.

For me it was a reminder to never stop dreaming and wishing for things. I have a huge wish list for the future and no item on this list is in any way remotely linked to material goods. 

Ready for another of my favorite ones:

"Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face." - Victor Hugo 

Now, there's a positive thought! LoL

You can always trust Mark Twain to have a good positive thought for the day. Thanks Mark (hope this is out of copyright now)


"Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."

Me again. The last post begins with a quote from jdtm. Didn't get the format right.

Pen. You seem to be in a similar position to mine. We are very fortunate and I count my blessings daily that we have such DH. It's fun to be with him but the holidays always seem a bit lonely especially when we see other families enjoying themselves.
Mothers are not omnipotent, we always have to remember this. I live in hope that my time with DSs and GKs has just not come as yet. I may not be able to enjoy them when they are little kiddies as much as I would like but if I stay healthy there is a good chance that they will come to us and appreciate what we have to give. Here is hoping ....

As a mother of two sons, I know this only too well.  I only wish that I had known about this "law" prior to their marriages - how much easier it would have been for them and for me.  At least, our grandchildren get our "last name"; maybe that is the payback for being a parent of sons.  But, I have been overly blessed with one of our DILs - she tries to make things "equal" and this equality comes with the blessing of her mother - how lucky we are!  Now the other son's wife (ex-wife now) - it was about as "bad" as it could be.  It's better now but after 15 years of hell, well .....

My YDS is dating a lovely girl, when they get married  I may have a lovely FDIL. Sorry to hear about 15 years with DIL from hell. I only had about seven but it was hard. I've never felt and hopefully will never feel again so inadequate as I did in my interaction with her.

Now with time on my hands (any body out there needing a grandma au-pair, I'll be your woman?!) because of not being able to see GKs and retired, I'm thinking of writing a little story in which I try to see myself from her point of view. Not sure whether this will be too painful to do but it certainly could be therapeutic.

Good luck with your lovely DIL, you will so appreciate her knowing that things can be different. It's just chemistry. The question remains why our boys sometimes chose girls so alien to us. It would be interesting to know how many marriages last when MILs and DILs are different. I do hope that there is no connection because broken marriages are so bad for children.

Dear WW community,
I put this in grab bag because I know that for most of you this is not an issue of interest (fortunately). If you think, dear global Moderators that it isn't appropriate here, just delete. I just felt I wanted to share this if you are interested.

What follows is my response to an article in the UK broadsheet The Independent on separation:

http://www.independent.co.uk/opinion/commentators/yasmin-alibhai-brown/yasmin-alibhaibrown-why-breaking-up-should-be-much-harder-to-do-7441322.html



Dear name,
thank you for your article in the Independent and the Radio Four interviews on separation. You write in detail about the heartache that is caused by a husband and parent leaving. If I understand your thoughts correctly, you believe that there is no chance of redemption once a marriage has been broken and as a result, the life of the children will be thwarted forever.

I  wonder whether this attitude does not lead to even more heartache than what has already been afflicted through separation?

Our son has left his family five months ago but not for another woman. We are grieving as a family now and don't know where to turn. The Family of Origin has closed ranks and neither we, the grandparents, nor our son has access to the children (4 years and 1 1/2 years) any more. Our son does not want to row in front of the children, so at the moment he doesn't fight for his right to see the children in the court.

I'm a mother of two sons and have been married for 32 years. I have no experience bringing up a daughter and I'm not in tune with girls of this generation. I struggle with the thought that my former Daughter-in-law will be miserable for the rest of her life. Our allegiance is of course with our son, hard as this may be. However, as a woman who grew up in the seventies with strong links to the idea of Feminism, I have empathy for what the former wife is going through and thinking of her hurts. I've never felt as inadequate as I feel now.

You say in your article: 'It's as if my eyeballs were turned inwards and my other senses too. Many have accused me of unseemly solipsism, of washing too many wet hankies in public, of being dementedly obsessed with the past. All true. It was all I could and can do. It must be hard for the dear departed, never being allowed to forget.' and you quote 'one distraught mum': "He leaves me, broke and broken-hearted and I am just to take it, give him his share of the babies I carried and gave birth to, treat him well, never cry, never tell him I want to die."

If what you say is true than there can be no redemption if a man does this to his wife. Can there be no forgiveness? At this bleak time in our lives, is there no hope for us as a family that things can mend with time? You are also very critical about shared parenting in an article entitled 'For the sake of the children. That means that in our case the family of origin will create a warm and secure space for the children, and we will be out in the cold. If this really is the best for the children I wouldn't mind the pain but I'm not sure whether they really benefit if we stay away for ever.

I'm writing to you with my personal thoughts to point out that your opinion published in a major broadsheet paper in the UK does resonate and while it makes people think, it can also lead to some of us losing hope. I speak without the experience of having been left by a husband so my opinion may not count - I understand this - but can forgiveness and understanding of the motives of the Other and a reflection on ones own contribution to the failure of a marriage be the building block for a better future of two people - more in tune with life as two individuals?

Thank you.
Regards from a very sad Grandmother