Gosh, I'm beginning to think that Facebook is Satan or something. I was thrilled when GD and DIL friended me. Just thrilled. Someone taught me how to chat with a person online on there so when the GDaughter, who is 13 was on, I chatted and told her how pretty she was. Then, a bit later, I said it again, this time saying something like she was just the most beautiful person in the world. That must have irritated her because she very curtly said, "I told you thank you. I believe you when you say I'm beautiful. Thank you againnnn" The same thing happened with my DIL. I chatted to her that I was so glad their college team won and just general things. Now, they have limited me on there. I can no longer see them online and can't chat. I would not want to chat, believe me but I honest to God did not know it was uncool to do what I did and only did it three times. Normally, I would profusely aplogize to her (DIL) but this time, I don't think I will. I know it's kind of normal for a 13 year old to be smart aleck but mine is very, very smart mouthed. What do you think?
No apology necessary. I think it's best to pretend this never happened. Spares everyone embarassment.
I've heard husband and wives get in fights over Facebook. Who needs Facebook drama?! Not us!
Quote from: Sassy on September 09, 2010, 02:46:20 PM
No apology necessary. I think it's best to pretend this never happened. Spares everyone embarassment.
I've heard husband and wives get in fights over Facebook. Who needs Facebook drama?! Not us!
Thank you, Sassy. I appreciate it. Facebook=Satan
did I get this?? uncool to chat, that hasn't hit in the land down under yet. My kids love chatting, I don't only because I have so much to say I run out of space so gave up. Phone instead. Honestly you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. Being a GM must be incredibly difficult at times. Communicating with our young people is becoming increasingly difficult and one reason is email and facebook texting and twitter , these forms of communication don't portray the feelings and emotions of the sender. So when face-to-face with others they aren't able to adequately pick up on emotions and aren't able to show empathy towards others. I see this with my own teenagers and i feel it when I send emails I hope the receiver "gets' that I am being lighthearted with comments. I have heard many times that FB is becoming uncool with teenagers because their mums and gm are using it, and many of us do enjoy and get a lot of positives out of FB
I was watching a parenting show on TV and it was talking about children with imaginary friends. A comment later was don't most people on FB have imaginary friends? I think that is very true, a teenager I know has 700 friends on FB. who could possibly want 700 "friends" knowing your business. But they do seem to!!! dm and gm's really do only have family members or "real friends" on their FB or a great thing about FB is finding old mates. It is just the responsibility of the user I guess.
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Barelythere:
When my friends told me I should join Facebook, I did. I could chat with them. Then my youngest daughter who is not living with me anymore (24 years old) said "Mom, what are you doing in facebook? I said "Free Country" I can be in facebook if I want. My friends are in facebook and we send messages. If you dont want dont accept my invitation" And that is exactly what she did. She had never accepted to befriend me in facebook. They think that it is not cool that we oldies be there. My married son and oldest daughter did accepted me as their friend in facebook but they never send me a message. I just have to be there and not try to comment to them anything at all. I am laughing....I dont care. They think that fb is only for the young. lol
Many people have gotten into trouble in facebook. Facebook from hell.
Hi, I am on Facebook as well...it made it easy to communicate with my son....he choose to communicate thru Facebook....I have reconnected with many people from school, and it's been so nice hearing about them, sharing family pictures etc. It's like anything else....there are some, like Anna, who have posted innocent things and gotten in trouble...my son and his wife know that I write poetry and am drawn by phylosophy....so they don't take anything I write personal, which by the way, isn't directed at anyone, every once in a while I post quotes as well and so do a lot of others.
Truthfully, if my son and his wife declined me as a friend when my son comes home, yes, it would first kinda go thru me, however, I know I would realize, I'm older and I don't need to be that connected to them, they need they're privacy and I am not they're friend, but mother, which would probably make them uncomfortable....it isn't directed at me personally, they just would feel that they would maybe rather not have me see how some of they're friends use harsh language or something...it has nothing to do with the fact that they don't like me or want me....I'm not going to take it personal, but understand....and respect they're needs for privacy. It is not a rejection, simply that they don't want mom in there...period....and I can not only fully understand, but allow.....and not think twice about it?
Here is another example....a few ladies and I always go out to eat on Friday night....one of them called me, and I consider her one of my best friends, and told me, she was invited out to eat with a very close friends who are celebrating they're anniversary and invited her along. Wow, that was very nice of them and why shouldn't she go? We can always go next week? She is not rejecting me, but going her own way, which she should.
Barely there, I can see both sides of this...It sounds to me like Your GD is probably very beautiful....and people probably tell her that all the time. Some people like the attention, but it sounds to me, like your GD doesn't. When I was young, people used to say that to me, and it used to make me uncomfortable and angry b/c they'd do it in front of other people and it would embarrass me and/or call attention to me, and you get tired of hearing it...plus, I didn't believe it, and didn't thing people were being sincere....so, say something once, and then go onto something else....but I wouldn't say she is the most beautiful person in the whole world, it probably made her feel very uncomfortable....however, from the other side of it, she should have not been so rude, but explained to you how she felt about it.
This is a small thing really....what I would do is wait, and when you see her in person, take her aside some place privet and tell her your sorry, if it made her uncomfortable, but that is the way you felt and you didn't think it would upset her. Reassure her that you know better now.
There is also this....as I explained before....we've become a world of technology and talking on the phone is a thing of the past...(thank God) I hate it when the phone rings....LOL....anyway, so people write just like we are doing....and depending how sensitive we are....we might misunderstand the intentions of anothers words, b/c we cannot see they're faces.
Facebook like anything else, is a useful and fun tool....however, it can also be wrongly used and hurt feelings or hurt feelings without even realizing it. Like Anna's situation....her ndil is very young, Anna and her were exchanging stories about the other DIL...which shouldn't have happened....b/c after a while the other DIL is going to wonder if Anna is discussing her with the old DIL....it's not good to talk to others in the family about other family members....or other people for that matter....when you do that, people start to wonder if confiding in you, was a good choice. So, when Anna posted something innocent in the way of a beautiful quote on her facebook, the new dil thought it was intended towards her or the old DIL and got really upset. Maybe she was feeling really insecure that day, had a bad day, worried that she might have said something about old DIL that Anna might repeat...had a fight with Anna's son, or whatever....she saw that and flipped out on Anna....
so, long story short....yes, many people have gotten into trouble on Facebook but many have not and it is a very fun and useful tool....and some young people don't want they're parents in there....some do, but it isn't something that should be taken personal....give them space and don't think of them as your friends, but as your children who are adults now. Remember a lot of times, people accept your friendships, yours and mine out of feeling obligated...even if it was them that sent you the friendship.
I have sent friendships out to a few that were not accepted, and that's fine with me....really.....so life is way to short to allow this to upset you or make you sad....just ignore it and fix it when the time is right....and from now on, learn that if you say something once, that it enough, don't elaborate on it and say it again....oh, and I almost forgot, some people really hate compliments...why? For many reasons, but they do....which is another reason to not elaborate....you didn't do anything wrong barelythere, however, by understanding that not everyone thinks and feels like you do, may help lessen, the hurt or harsh words of your GD?
Facebook like anything else is a choice...it's neither good or bad, it all depends on the individual and how they feel about it. I've heard terrible comments from people who have said, "People on Facebook don't have a life". What a terrible decission to conclude. I've also heard people say, I'm a very personal individual and I don't want my information out there, or they are intimidated, b/c someone has sent them a friend request, and they don't want to be friends....? why let such little things bother? It's a personal choice and if someone doesn't understand or is hurt, you can't help that....right? Your simply being you....to heck with what they think, right? It's not what you meant...so, from this to, we can all learn a lesson?
hugs
Creme
Socializing??? I think that Facebook can be a hurtful (Passive way) of lashing out. My DIL, after they ousted our family from our GD's birthday posted hurtful (rub it in) things on facebook...including purchasing a bike, the same one she wanted me to buy for our GD and not allowing us to give it to her...then tagging me with GD on it bragging about how happy she was, blah, blah...then unfriending our family. Can't have the guts to call and talk or face us, so throw out the nasty on FB. Now they convinced every aquaintance that was on there (family friends or my DS's friends that we were all close with) to ALSO remove or block us so we don't have access to see how my GD or them are doing.
I don't have to socialize with them on FB... IF they don't want to socialize with me in person, why should I have them lurking at their convenience with me on FB.
Barely There. Just ignore it. Change your privacy settings since that is what they did. I have this new thought pattern that says, "Just because they are being awful people, doesn't mean that I have to be...though I am closing my door, leaving it unlocked and trying to keep me self together." It isn't always working...but I keep telling myself that daily.
I have had a real bad day yesterday...I cried so much, my nose bled. Then I got angry with myself that I allowed the knuckleheads to ruin another beautiful day in my life. I can only get mad at me now...they really aren't doing anything to me...I don't exist in their world anymore.
Selfish brats!
Quote from: Miss Understood on September 10, 2010, 05:17:10 AM
Socializing??? I think that Facebook can be a hurtful (Passive way) of lashing out. My DIL, after they ousted our family from our GD's birthday posted hurtful (rub it in) things on facebook...including purchasing a bike, the same one she wanted me to buy for our GD and not allowing us to give it to her...then tagging me with GD on it bragging about how happy she was, blah, blah...then unfriending our family. Can't have the guts to call and talk or face us, so throw out the nasty on FB. Now they convinced every aquaintance that was on there (family friends or my DS's friends that we were all close with) to ALSO remove or block us so we don't have access to see how my GD or them are doing.
I don't have to socialize with them on FB... IF they don't want to socialize with me in person, why should I have them lurking at their convenience with me on FB.
Barely There. Just ignore it. Change your privacy settings since that is what they did. I have this new thought pattern that says, "Just because they are being awful people, doesn't mean that I have to be...though I am closing my door, leaving it unlocked and trying to keep me self together." It isn't always working...but I keep telling myself that daily.
I have had a real bad day yesterday...I cried so much, my nose bled. Then I got angry with myself that I allowed the knuckleheads to ruin another beautiful day in my life. I can only get mad at me now...they really aren't doing anything to me...I don't exist in their world anymore.
Selfish brats!
Miss Understood,
Selfish Brats is right, but it's not Facebooks fault, this proves how childish your DIL is....and believe me, others will question her going to those lengths, they will never say a thing, but will wonder about it....and those who cling onto gossip, will rally around her....so see it for what it is....and know, that someday, this will all come back to haunt here....and you are justified for your hurt....this was a dispicable way to get even...or to hurt you and rub your noses in it....but deep down, she is a very unhappy little girl...you don't do these things if your confident, happy and balanced.....a toddler would react like this....so see it for what it is, and try not to allow her to hurt you...right now, your the winner here....in that, she is showing how truly unstable she is.....
you don't do these things to people...you don't, not if your a caring, mature, aware person.....
the only reason acceptable to keep family from they're inlaws is, if the inlaws are incompetent or on drugs or alcohol or way over protective, which isn't your fault.
sending you big hugs....be strong....vigulant and know your not in the wrong here in any way shape or form, and I know in a situation like this we tend to doubt ourselves at times and it hurts oh so horribly.
Creme
Thanks. My DH says the rollercoaster ride I'm on is exhausting to him, I agree but to me it's like an anxiety attack that won't go away. I do keep doubting myself, when the emotional me comes out...my logical side is the opposite...totally toxic and I am so disturbed by my DS's behavior. I have to blame him...it's him that's allowing this to his mother. His wonderful mother!.
Quote from: Miss Understood on September 10, 2010, 06:26:07 AM
Thanks. My DH says the rollercoaster ride I'm on is exhausting to him, I agree but to me it's like an anxiety attack that won't go away. I do keep doubting myself, when the emotional me comes out...my logical side is the opposite...totally toxic and I am so disturbed by my DS's behavior. I have to blame him...it's him that's allowing this to his mother. His wonderful mother!.
I'm sure you've heard many stories from DIL's that they've left they're husbands b/c of they're mil's. Well, the same thing can have a toxic effect on the MIL and FIL...don't allow it
Miss Understood....men hate drama...and this is drama....and they cringe at the thought of coming home to an upset wife again, cuz they know they're going to hear about it and hear about it over and over again, all night and for the days to come...we women just don't know whenn to zip it and it works on them, slowly ever so slowing tearing them apart...it effects they're whole outlook on life, they see it as they're family falling apart and cannot fix it, and they don't know where to turn. Men hold things inside, therefore, everytime we talk to them about it, or yell, scream and cry, it's totally stressing them out.....men are weaker then women....really, they just do not express verbally like women do. My son always says, after working so long with the public and taking phyc courses....that women are emotional talkers....however, some of us play and replay and replay till the cows come home, in better terms, we obsess b/c we can't fix it....identify it for what it is, and realize, the impact it is not only having on you, but on him and your marriage....that is your fault, not hers....don't give her that power....please....let him alone, and when you need to vent, come in here, or find a girlfriend who you can trust to unload on...when he comes home dear, you become a lady, practice being who you used to be....and give him all the soft, gentle understanding attention he so needs...put your problems on hold and smooze him, rub his feet, have a surprise dinner waiting for him, dress up in something very provacative...and make this your special quality time together....like I suggested in another thread, stop making your children your whold purpose and start making him your purpose....b/c your slighting him and he feels horrible..and pretty soon, if you keep it up, inside, he'll cringe at the thought of coming home....start making plans with him for something special you two can do together next weekend, and make sure your there with him mentally....change your attitude towards this whole things, you can't change the situation, but you do have great powers to change yourself and your relationship with your husband....it's your time now, yours and his....just remember, he's there now, so use that time wisely, b/c he isn't always going to be there...don't take him for granted, shower him with a memorable relationship....you both deserve nothing less....
hugs
creme
Ah Facebook. I've said this before..it's the breeding ground for passive aggressive behavior. I love FB, I use it to keep in touch with friends and family, especially military friends I have all around the world. But my MIL, since she discovered it, has used it as yet another tool to broadcast family business to the world....ALL CAPS status messages that exhalt her as the ultimate victim because we cut her off. Her "likes" are cruel, violent, and just plain stupid. She NEVER mentions names, but it's obvious. She knows that family and friends whom we are still in contact with read her half-truth comments, so its another way she tries to turn them all against us, since we've now turned our backs on her. And by "half-truth" I mean that yes, she is absolutely right that we have cut her off and banned her from our home and access to our daughter....but she never tells why. She tries desperately to make us look like monsters, while she plays cries "woe is me!" and portrays herself as completely innocent Cinderella the general public.
Sadly, her methodology of repairing and upholding relationships is "send gifts until they feel guilty, and publicly humiliate them until they give in so I'll stop." The woman is a narcissistic monster, and I really pity her. Even more than that, I really pity her pool of sympathizers who don't have a clue.
Thank you creme. I know all this....I know this is like a nuclear bomb went off in our house and the fall out is killing the bunch slowly. I just want to ask a question...has anyone here ever had a happy ending? How do you just wake up and not think about them anymore? I miss my son (the one he was before the aliens invaded and took over his soul) I miss my GD and even my DIL...the one I thought she was. I blinked and it was all gone...for whatever reason they made it out to be...I've given up trying to make sense of something which makes no sense!
So, any happy ending stories? Reason to have hope would be nice.
Quote from: Anna on September 10, 2010, 06:51:14 AM
put your problems on hold and smooze him, rub his feet, have a surprise dinner waiting for him, dress up in something very provacative...and make this your special quality time together
Great advice Creme, I just told my hubby this morning there would be something special waiting for him tonight when he gets home from work. Of course I didn't tell him what!! ;)
LOL, this is making me smile...I actually laughed out loud....thank you!!!!
You've given me a much needed happy friday present...you have a wonderful weekend! (wink)
Quote from: cremebrulee on September 10, 2010, 06:43:33 AM
....start making plans with him for something special you two can do together next weekend, and make sure your there with him mentally....change your attitude towards this whole things, you can't change the situation, but you do have great powers to change yourself and your relationship with your husband....it's your time now, yours and his....just remember, he's there now, so use that time wisely, b/c he isn't always going to be there...don't take him for granted, shower him with a memorable relationship....you both deserve nothing less....
Wonderful advice Creme....Make him #1 in your life always...everything else should follow :)
I actually called hubby and set a date night! Thanks for bringing my logical side out today. Getting hair and nails done and looking forward to a nice evening. I dissapoint myself so much when I take those backward steps...I'm stronger than that. Thanks ladies. Have a lovely day
Quote from: Miss Understood on September 10, 2010, 06:56:22 AM
Thank you creme. I know all this....I know this is like a nuclear bomb went off in our house and the fall out is killing the bunch slowly. I just want to ask a question...has anyone here ever had a happy ending? How do you just wake up and not think about them anymore? I miss my son (the one he was before the aliens invaded and took over his soul) I miss my GD and even my DIL...the one I thought she was. I blinked and it was all gone...for whatever reason they made it out to be...I've given up trying to make sense of something which makes no sense!
So, any happy ending stories? Reason to have hope would be nice.
Yes, I have, and it's all about what I'm writing about in these pages....
You see, I know a few here get very upset with me, and don't like me very much because they think I am betraying them by not siding with them and by being honest....it took me twelve long years of pain....heartache, medical problems, replaying, not being able to sleep, not being able to eat, or eating myself fat....and the anger, affected my whole outlook and life.....I was irritable, unhappy, dysfunctional at time, and very illogical....sad, frustrated, and not very socable and was making everyone around me miserable....and people actually started to avoid me, b/c it was the same thing over and over again. People didn't dislike me, but hated to be around me, b/c that is all I talked about...finally people started telling me, that I was only seeing things from my perspective...and perspectives change, as time goes by, in other words, what didn't see so bad in the beginning, after 12 years, got blown way out of proportion as time went on...my perspectives of the situation went hay wire. And no, you don't just wake up one morning and it goes away....you've got to work very hard at it.....and no one situation is the same....everyone of you has a whole different situation....however, we're all in this together, with the same pain....so, I was torn, between quitting this page, b/c I feared big time, that people would not like me, b/c I was able to resolve things with my son. Matter of fact, I posted a happy post about something, and only 3 responded to it....and I think they felt like maybe I was rubbing it in they're faces....I wasn't...so then I had this thought, and decided, maybe just maybe if I can make these woman understand I'm on they're side, by dedicating as much time as I could to trying to help them see what they could do to change things for themselves, then all those 12 years I suffered would have meaning, purpose....
Understand, when I'm writing and giving my perspectives and points of views...I'm also reinstating them in my own mind, in other words, talking to myself to keep reminding myself of where I have to be and where I've still yet to go.
The only way towards peace is thru awareness, self exploration and acceptance as well as, allowance....and the first very small step to that is by reading and believing, that we can't change what is, we can only change what will be. We are given the gift of life, free will and choice....now, what do we do with it...most of the time, we are our own worst enemies....we cause a lot of of our own problems, not the ones that are inflicted upon us, but how we react to them. We can immediately react wrongly and it's best to think things thru before we say or react...but some of us don't, so that would be one of the first things I had to work on and still am...it was the way I reacted to things that my DIL did...and reacted very badly, immaturely....stubbornly and out of anger....and out of anger I said horrible horrible things about my DIL....even to my son, I can't imagine how he felt....I was wrong, wrong, wrong...she was simply being who she is.....as I was, and we both blew it way out of proportion....sure, there were some things we both did and said to each other that were wrong, however, both of us surely didn't mean it nor did we try to tear each of us apart from my son, her husband....what we were was, hurt and angry from the rejection....rejection is a horrible horrible thing....it hurts....
So, I'm not siding with anyone here....I'm just being honest and trying like anything to help you all come from the place I was....the only way to a happy ending is hard work and letting go of the fear of saying, well, I could have done something wrong to contribute to this, if only in the way I may have reacted, or said something....you see, we're all different....and you may have said something that was totally innocent, like Anna posting a quote on her Facebook page, however, DIL took it way way out of context....because of the way she is, doesn't say that Anna is wrong and she is right, or visa versa, we as human beings are going to see things as we are, and if we are unable to be aware of the feelings of others, then we're quit frankly stuck. Well, I was tired real tired of being stuck....and started thinking, there must have been something I have done to contribute to this, there must have been, there must have been, there must have been, over and over again, and I think I did that for about 3 years...until I finally started to believe it, and desired to find out where my contributions to this fiasco came from....so one day, it all started to clear, very very slowly and for the first time in 12 years I was actually able to say, "yanno, as much as I'm hurting, she's got to be hurting to"....we are conditioned to believe what we believe from the time we are born...not all of it is good....or right, or the way others think and feel....and it takes hard work and a long time to recondition those bad habits of ours...and it's a work in progress until the very day we die....and if we are so illogical and unintelligent to believe, b/c we are adults we know all there is to know, we're very foolish. If we allow pride to get in our way, in other words, fear admission of wrong doings, then we stagnate and will not progress....
Now understand, please, I'm not saying this is true for everyone in this page...however, I will tell you honestly and without any hesitation, I truly believe my DIL was trying to break the bond between my son and me....because she wasn't a clean freak like I am, I thought she was lazy, b/c my son, did everything, I thought she was taking advantage of him....however, it was how they choose to live they're lives and none of my darn business....it worked for them, and I wouldn't be at all surprised if my son isn't a bit controlling, b/c I know I am.....I grew up on my own, taking care of myself, cooking and cleaning and finding a job at a very young age.....and was conditioned to take care of myself, I had to, no one else was there to do it....so, I adopted that what some people see as controlling, ability to take care of myself, and didn't know how to allow others to take care of me. I had husbands, tell me, that I didn't need them, that there wasn't anything I couldn't do on my own...and there isn't. So, wallah, you have me....to this very day, one of my pet peeves is, I can't allow people to help me...and yet, I give, give, give...and that is something I'm working on, along with a lot of other flaws....
So, it's got a lot to do with the fear of facing our own demons.....plus, letting our sons go....meaning, understanding, they're grown adults now, our job is over, and they don't need us any longer, and they don't. They have a wife, now to take care of all they're needs, and that doesn't mean they don't love us, or love us any less, it's just time for them to move on, do things they're way, cuz that is the only way they are going to learn, and make mistakes, just like we did and we must allow them that.
Someone told me once, and this really shocked my system....a mother and DIL and son is like a love triangle, where two women are actually fighting over the same man. Boy was that a blow to my pride when I realized, that was exactly what I was doing. As much as I thought I had left him go, I didn't. I wasn't able to...when our sons marry, life as we knew it changes forever, and that is normal and the way it's supposed to be. Those who don't have problems with they're DIL's and there are many who don't are able to accept this early on. I was not....I thought, not only would my son remain the same, but my DIL would somehow magically and instantly love me like I loved her, b/c my son choose her. Well, that was the biggest mistake I could have made....she didn't want a mother, she wanted a husband, but unfortunately, I came with the package. I was very independent and vocal...and sufficient...my son, of course bragged me up when they first met, which was wrong for him to do, but he didn't know any better....and she thought he would never love her as much. However, what she didn't realize at the time, is, he loved her more in a different way....and that is perfectly normal as the very same thing happened with his father and me....he talked, talked and talked about what a good mother, housewife and mentor his mother was, why she could do everything and that literally scared my knickers off.....and I reacted to her very badly, wrongly....at times. She did things that were wrong to....we certainly clashed....she overstepped boundaries, however, I surely could have handled it differently.
So, there is no magic spell and it isn't an instantaneous solution....it all depends on us individually, and how we approach the situation....
believe me, I said the same things....
my son wasn't like this, he was easy going, loving, giving, laid back....however, how he was and how he is as a grown man are two different entities, we change when we marry and we change even more, as we have children and change is inevitable, however, some of us really do have a very difficult time with change....why? Because change takes us outside those imaginary protective plastic bubbles we've created for ourselves, away from the rest of the world....we do things over and over again, never changing our schedules, and become accustomed to routine and feel very comfortable there, so that when change comes along, why it knocks our entire life out of kilter.....
I remember being where you are, and people telling me the same ol things I'm telling you, but I refused to listen, I was horribly hurt and it was all they're fault and that was all I was able to see....
So, I'm sorry if I insult anyone here...b/c I know there are times when all you want to do is come in and cry and vent....I don't see that, what I see is a woman lost, asking for help, and know exactly what your feeling and thinking, and my first instinct is to try and save you from the 12 long endless years I went thru....
so try if you can, to understand, my only intent is to help and I'm on your side...even when I disagree....it's not done or said to hurt you, but much more, to lend you my hand, to try and pull you up from that endless darkness and to say, there IS light at the end of the tunnel, but only if and when your ready to listen and apply....if you can't, you'll be in that place for a long time, and if you want something bad enough, you'll do anything to make it better and change, b/c that's life...everything constantly changes, it must...it has to, even the world evolves, the moon evolves, the sun and all the planets....and if those planets would ever once resist, like we humans do, everything would be out of kilter, wouldn't it....? But nothing resits change more then us humans, which creates such a shock to what has to be and the more we fight it, the more tangled up we become.
I hope I have helped...in some small way....
Creme
He was actually shocked and then hesitated... But sounded excited. He misses me. I miss me. Thanks again for the pep talk today, you all are so dear here!!!!
Quote from: Miss Understood on September 10, 2010, 07:55:31 AM
He was actually shocked and then hesitated... But sounded excited. He misses me. I miss me. Thanks again for the pep talk today, you all are so dear here!!!!
your going to have set backs believe me, it doesn't all happen at once, however, be aware, and come back when it happens and remember, practice, practice, practice, b/c your playing the piano of life....for every step forward you take 3 steps back, but they are not as bad, b/c your learning to control the situation. BEEEEEEEEE Happy b/c it's right there for you...waiting for you....you go girl!!!!!!!
GO Miss Understood and Anna!!!! Woot Woot!!! It's date night....get your groove on.....have a good time....get your groove on....(insert picture of me singing and bouncing in my chair)..... ;D
Could someone PLEASE tell me in plain English how to edit my profile and account settings so no one can "chat" with me or see what I am doing or even my name on the side on Facebook, Satan's tool of murder?
Quote from: barelythere on September 10, 2010, 11:46:41 AM
Could someone PLEASE tell me in plain English how to edit my profile and account settings so no one can "chat" with me or see what I am doing or even my name on the side on Facebook, Satan's tool of murder?
LOL
Go into facebook
go into account
go into privacy settings
click on customize settings
then click everyone "Friends Only"
and no one but friends will be able to see your information
I don't know how to make it a permanent setting to not chat, but I do know that if you look in the bottom right corner where your chat thing is, you can open it, and under (I think) it's called options or something at the top of the box that pops up with all the people online right now, you can click, show offline. That way they never see you online.
I don't think it is possible to make yourself not show up at all in facebook. When you search for someone, if they have one, it shows. You just set everything to private or friends only, so they can't actually see anything on your page. I may be wrong on that, but last I looked that was how it was.
Thank you, Pooh, I'll try that. Tool of Satan, Facebook.
I emailed my DIL and profusely apologized to her for chatting with her and GDaughter on Facebook. I told her what a nuisance it was to have me do this. No response. Usually, because her email goes to her phone, I get a response but not this time. This seems like a little thing but I know her and it seems like she's punishing me. I think maybe I've grown enough now that I can live through this and not just die over it. My husband told me that they didn't really care about us but that's hard to deal with for me. I don't want to go back to being her slave girl, though.
Do you think it would it come accross as a sincere apology if you ring and speak to dil (if she will answer of course). Technology is wonderful but was it really ever intended to misrepresent or question sincerity of ones messages? I couldn't accept an apology in an email.
Hi Julia, thanks for writing. Yes, this is how we've been communicating for awhile. I went against all my instincts and my 2 best friends who told me not to apologize. I really didn't do anything wrong but the 3 chats irritated her and my Granddaughter so she probably doesn't know what to say now. It will pass, surely. She texts now instead of talking on the phone. I don't have a phone that texts so this was my best bet...to email.
Quote from: barelythere on September 10, 2010, 01:58:47 PM
I emailed my DIL and profusely apologized to her for chatting with her and GDaughter on Facebook. I told her what a nuisance it was to have me do this.
My first thoughts when I read this was you didn't have anything to profusely apologise about. as simple oops now i know my chatting embarrassed gd and I have learnt an important lesson I won't do that again. Admitting your comments were a nuisance to her can give an immediate thought of "yes you
were" gd mightn't have thought it was a nuisance she was just a bit embarrassed she'll get over it it is character building. I don't know your earlier posts but I'm guessing you are a mum who jumped through hoops for you dc. Now you are a gm who jumps through hoops for her family. I think 99% of us did or do for our dc and some are paying the price now, which is showing absolute disrespect for the ones that love them the most and did the most for them.
Quote from: barelythere on September 10, 2010, 01:58:47 PM
. I don't want to go back to being her slave girl, though.
Don't be a slave to anyone. In the long run dil and gd will respect you much more if you don't give in to there every demand. My parents now have my son living with them and he treats them with so much disrespect because they saw him often and were such a big part of his life and they "jumped through hoops for him He lives with them because he gets what he wants. His other grandma is the opposite and a very strong woman and strong opinions and is kind but tough and won't take nonesense from them. As children they polite and well mannered around her.
Even though our children can spend hours in front of a mirror and we think they want to know they are pretty I think it is mistake to tell them often. Instead she would want to hear she is clever smart and I admire your strengths etc. How hard is it to be a gm? not (I can't wait lol)
Don't make it into a drama by apologising for being human.....I hope I haven't overdramisised it either it is such a small issue. Don't worry about it for another minute.
Quote from: cremebrulee on September 10, 2010, 11:49:41 AM
Quote from: barelythere on September 10, 2010, 11:46:41 AM
Could someone PLEASE tell me in plain English how to edit my profile and account settings so no one can "chat" with me or see what I am doing or even my name on the side on Facebook, Satan's tool of murder?
LOL
Go into facebook
go into account
go into privacy settings
click on customize settings
then click everyone "Friends Only"
and no one but friends will be able to see your information
You can also modify it so that you customize and only some people can see your posts, pics, etc. You can put them in groups too. It's easier than it sounds. If you have problems, let me know and I can help you.
Quote from: Julia on September 10, 2010, 04:22:42 PM
Quote from: barelythere on September 10, 2010, 01:58:47 PM
I emailed my DIL and profusely apologized to her for chatting with her and GDaughter on Facebook. I told her what a nuisance it was to have me do this.
My first thoughts when I read this was you didn't have anything to profusely apologise about. as simple oops now i know my chatting embarrassed gd and I have learnt an important lesson I won't do that again. Admitting your comments were a nuisance to her can give an immediate thought of "yes you
were" gd mightn't have thought it was a nuisance she was just a bit embarrassed she'll get over it it is character building. I don't know your earlier posts but I'm guessing you are a mum who jumped through hoops for you dc. Now you are a gm who jumps through hoops for her family. I think 99% of us did or do for our dc and some are paying the price now, which is showing absolute disrespect for the ones that love them the most and did the most for them.
Quote from: barelythere on September 10, 2010, 01:58:47 PM
. I don't want to go back to being her slave girl, though.
Don't be a slave to anyone. In the long run dil and gd will respect you much more if you don't give in to there every demand. My parents now have my son living with them and he treats them with so much disrespect because they saw him often and were such a big part of his life and they "jumped through hoops for him He lives with them because he gets what he wants. His other grandma is the opposite and a very strong woman and strong opinions and is kind but tough and won't take nonesense from them. As children they polite and well mannered around her.
Even though our children can spend hours in front of a mirror and we think they want to know they are pretty I think it is mistake to tell them often. Instead she would want to hear she is clever smart and I admire your strengths etc. How hard is it to be a gm? not (I can't wait lol)
Don't make it into a drama by apologising for being human.....I hope I haven't overdramisised it either it is such a small issue. Don't worry about it for another minute.
Julia, thank you so much for being so understanding to me. It's hard because I know and my husband knows they have used us to death. They don't need us anymore so now we're quite a nuisance. My GD, who I practically raised because I babysat so much was one who I just adored. Now, at 13, she's become quite the smart aleck. I went from being her favorite friend to being a problem. I guess girls get that way? I was just thrilled when they friended me so when her comments would come into my site, I might comment on them. Then, someone told me how to chat. I'm afraid I'll never see them again. They already are becoming less and less a family. Being a Mother is not worth it.
Julia, thank you so much for being so understanding to me. It's hard because I know and my husband knows they have used us to death. They don't need us anymore so now we're quite a nuisance. My GD, who I practically raised because I babysat so much was one who I just adored. Now, at 13, she's become quite the smart aleck. I went from being her favorite friend to being a problem. I guess girls get that way? I was just thrilled when they friended me so when her comments would come into my site, I might comment on them. Then, someone told me how to chat. I'm afraid I'll never see them again. They already are becoming less and less a family. Being a Mother is not worth it.
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It is easy to understand you..you are a kind loving gm who worships her gd. And I have a a 13year old daughter and lovely parents who adore there gc. You say they used you? well that is in the past. You will never be used again, how great does it feel to say that to yourself?? and you ARE NOT a nusiance your dil is a pain in the butt, selfish and insecure. If you think you will never see them again and I don't know if that is right, it might be a blessing in disguise. Be patient. Your gd will remember you as her lovely dgm who practically raised her. She will remember the great times she had with you...and when she is past the teenage years and matures that is when she will want to be in your life. You probably hate the thought of missing out on those years with her but she is a bit of a smart alec now. Let her mother have those very difficult and the "it's hard to love you when you treat us like that years". gm as a friend might be cool when your a child but hey i'm a teenager now gm is gm and that is all. gd is growing up. I have thouight to myself being a mother to a 18 year old girl and 20 year old son isn't worth it, when they make you worry to the point of your own quality of life goes down the tube and they treat me with disrespect and emotional abuse. I am stronger now, mostly due to this site. I am a calmer person because I know I am not alone and neither are youi, you are luckier than many gm you had a lot of quality time with gd. Many gm are turned away the day baby is born. Wishing you the very best
I opened up a Facebook account to see pictures I don't get to see of my grandkids and also when I found out the inlaws had one. I then began to see how impersonal it is! And then when I saw my brother was going on vacations when all he does to my dad is complain about the money they don't have, I had it! I took all my pictures off of Facebook. My son told me it is not good to put names under pictures there either.
I also have had it with phone texting etc. I call and people decide whether to answer or not. I don't text and hope to never do that. I like being more pesonal. And, I find in texting, online, facebook, people can act rude and never admit countability. Oh and my son never approved me for his facebook LOL. I guess that was his boundary and that was fine.
I am 54, so not old to me. But, to my kids etc. they want privacy. I want personal contact and to hear their voices.
Just my opinion. But, texting one sentence is so impersonal.
Okay, time to try and sleep. It is 6am and I need sleep. So ignore my grumpy mood. But I am sick and tired of calling people and they are never at their phone or don't answer or return calls. AT 54, I will still say... What is this world coming to? LOLOL cdb
My Son and DIL have never been there for us, not one single time, not thru illness, hardships, nothing. Yet we have done everything humanly possible for them at any time through the years for problems with her family, they've had many "problems" where we've had to keep the kids and listen to endless going over every fine detail to try to find solutions for them. It's gotten less and less frequent and it feels like they just don't need us anymore so they are looking for any excuse to have us gone. This Facebook thing has really done it for me. I wish I had a two by four to hit myself over the head with it because if I had had one lick of sense, I'd have never chatted with the GC and DIL.
I was told onetime by someone close to me, early in my childhood: Society and fads will change and come and go but human nature never changes, it remains the same throughout time.
Although they have seared their conscience right now, down deep they know what they've done to us. Human nature has not changed, so no matter what is going on they feel guilt over booting out the best grandparents and parents in the world. The question remains for me, how could they do this to us?
Quote from: barelythere on September 13, 2010, 04:56:33 AM
My Son and DIL have never been there for us, not one single time, not thru illness, hardships, nothing. Yet we have done everything humanly possible for them at any time through the years for problems with her family, they've had many "problems" where we've had to keep the kids and listen to endless going over every fine detail to try to find solutions for them. It's gotten less and less frequent and it feels like they just don't need us anymore so they are looking for any excuse to have us gone. This Facebook thing has really done it for me. I wish I had a two by four to hit myself over the head with it because if I had had one lick of sense, I'd have never chatted with the GC and DIL.
I was told onetime by someone close to me, early in my childhood: Society and fads will change and come and go but human nature never changes, it remains the same throughout time.
Although they have seared their conscience right now, down deep they know what they've done to us. Human nature has not changed, so no matter what is going on they feel guilt over booting out the best grandparents and parents in the world. The question remains for me, how could they do this to us?
Barelythere,
DO NOT let the facebook issue change your life!!!!!!!!!!!!! it isn't worth it, you made a tiny insignifigent mistake. STOP putting yourself down , dil would have found something to complain about and the FB thing is just an immature dumb way she is doing this to you!!
I think the two by four could be put to much better use, just a thought...don't do it though!!!!
Sorry for my crankiness maybe I should go to bed!!!
Hey BT. Don't beat yourself up over the FB thing. Live and learn....You can realize that FB isn't the way to socialize with family. We found out awful things on FB. My end, which I told this story was....My DIL was doing hurtful things to me and allowing her friends and family to say hurtful things to my family on there....go figure....she did all this on a computer that I purchased her and she did all this on a FB account that I set her up on. What a dummy I was too. I have a really good friend that says she won't FB because she knows her kids and GD's on there and she doesn't want them knowing HER business. She's a wise woman.
Did you change your settings yet?
Thank you both....I changed the "Option to Chat", that is all I was able to do on my own. It's too complicated to me.
I hate to be so dreadfully down but I am certain by her silence that they are finished with us. My husband is better able to deal with it than I am. I don't know how men can do that but they can. He said it did hurt because he knows what a good father he was but that he was not going to allow them to kill him. He thinks he's worth more than that and that he has no regrets. I don't either but you do good and you get this? Something is screwy with this society. Yes, it's changed but because I know human nature never changes, it boggles my mind at how they seer their heart where they act like they feel no remorse.
Most people have just fine relationships with their DILs (I don['t know any but okay, there are some) but I heard this yesterday about a DIL whose husband's mother was distraught over the impending death of her husband, his father. His Mother called her son and cried to him about it. Her DIL mocked her, behind her back by saying: wah! wah!! wah!! She said her MIL should wah wah wahing to her own husband, not her son. Her son became defensive of his Mother (good for him) but she is going to make him pay, however she goes about that. Is this the way things are today with some people? I'm sincerely asking to find out . If so, we're evolving backwards, not forwards. Luise, you said you had a DIL who would take a bullet for you. I think that is wonderful, more than you know. Some people I know have the same kind of DIL who doesn't do this banishment, most of them don't want a family like I have wanted one. Some ladies on here sincerely want to be cared for by their MILs. I'm sorry you aren't.
Back off, I know...if I back off any more I'll be in China.
Quote from: barelythere on September 13, 2010, 06:01:41 AM
Most people have just fine relationships with their DILs (I don['t know any but okay, there are some) but I heard this yesterday about a DIL whose husband's mother was distraught over the impending death of her husband, his father. His Mother called her son and cried to him about it. Her DIL mocked her, behind her back by saying: wah! wah!! wah!! She said her MIL should wah wah wahing to her own husband, not her son. Her son became defensive of his Mother (good for him) but she is going to make him pay, however she goes about that. Is this the way things are today with some people? I'm sincerely asking to find out . If so, we're evolving backwards, not forwards. Luise, you said you had a DIL who would take a bullet for you. I think that is wonderful, more than you know. Some people I know have the same kind of DIL who doesn't do this banishment, most of them don't want a family like I have wanted one. Some ladies on here sincerely want to be cared for by their MILs. I'm sorry you aren't.
Back off, I know...if I back off any more I'll be in China.
BT...I know what you are saying. My Oldest DD is that kind of DIL. She would take a bullet for her MIL and even if her MIL does something she doesn't approve of or overstepped her boundaries...she would never say anything. My DD mentioned this to me many times. Sometimes she would call and vent and it would be silly stuff like, "MIL fed DD Cheetos and Countrytime Lemon-aide for Lunch" and then she'd say, "Boy that felt good to get out." I'd ask her why she doesn't say something to her MIL if it bothers her and she said, "Because this is small insignificant stuff and I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings, she does so much for me and my DH." Now...that is a classy woman. That is my DD! So...yes, I get confused when I am treated like a second class, no...a non-existent woman...I am tired of hearing...back off from everyone...I too would be in another state if I backed off anymore. How much more can I back off when they aren't even acknowledging the whole family! Just my ex's and hers.
If there is any DIL that wants a good caring MIL...I'll adopt you. I was and am a good MIL, even if I am not acknowledged as one by my DIL. I am standing up for me today. You need to do the same BT. Believe in yourself. Last night...I had a moment of sadness...well, maybe an hour of sadness and my DH said, "it could be worse...your DS could be a serial killer, rapist or drug lord, thief or be dead." He's right. Though...it still hurts when DS is not my DS anymore period. ?
I don't think they're finished with you! I really don't, barely there. I think they wanted the chat to end, and now they want the chat about the chat to end. And that's it.
When people don't want to chat, they block they chat. That's what chat blocks are for.
I don't think you owed DIL or GD an apology for chatting. Not even a little teeny bit. I understand why you were hurt when they blocked the chat, because it was a shut out. Ouch! Just a stupid facebook shut out, but a rejection nonetheless. (That's why Facebook is such an easy conduit for hurt feelings).
But because you TRULY did not owe DIL an apology, is probably the reason she's not responding to it.
Perhaps apologizing for chatting, when no apology was necessary, although we here know you meant it sincerely because you thought you bugged them more than you did (you thought 'poke in the eye', they thought 'buzz in the ear') , your apology may have come across another way. It may have come acoss like you were trying to get them to unblock your chat, or to getting them tell you it was OK they were just busy. Or even that you were soliciting for them to tell you "no problem, let's chat again soon." Which is not wrong for you to want that reassurance, even if you did. But apologizing when no apology is necessary, can sometimes feel a tad manipulative to people. Like a response is expected. Or she may think that that you expect an apology from her.
Because let's face it, it would have been nice for her to say "I don't use the chat feature much, I don't like chatting" before just blocking it. That would have taken some sting out for you. She might feel a little shame for not doing that? That's why I mentioned not apologizing would spare everyone the embarassment.
Let it drop. Don't think not-getting a response from an unneeded apology means something beyond just let it drop. "No unecessary drama!"
Hugs and love ... and I'll chat with you anytime!
Thank you, Sassy. I really appeciate all this. I will let you all know how this ends. It seems like it should be nothing but I can kind of feel inside that it's bad. I hope not. Thanks, though.
BT, best wishes. No matter which way it goes you know the truth. There isn't anything we can do about someone else's perceptions, unfortunately. It's heartbreaking at times, almost too much to bear. I'm a "back-off MIL" as well, from day one, and I did that on my own w/o instructions from DIL. It's really hard to dance around and watch every little thing I say and do around DIL & DS. They certainly don't give me & DH the same consideration!
I agree with Sassy..I think, given time, it'll all be better. In the meantime, take care of yourself and get on with your life.
This thread has strengthened my resolve to stay away from FB! :)
I got into fb to see pictures of my GD, at the time months went by without us being able to see her, and I'm not on it as much anymore. It hurts me more than it helps I think, DS is friends with all of DIL's family, they act like they've known him all their lives while none of us dare write anything on his wall. It really hurts. As a matter of fact I've been thinking about closing the account.
Guest and everyone who has responded, I think Facebook is a tool of some demonic force. JK but really, for you, Guest to only be able to see your GC on there is so hurtful. Don't people realize this is horrible? We're all hurt by this thing and I would think a lot of just plain old people are the same way. What if you posted something and no one responded and it wasn't even about GC? You'd get your feelings hurt. The only thing you can do with all this is to go underground somehow. This is so stupid. Who created this path to destruction anyway? People are on there chatting about zero anyway. "I ate a burger tonight" Really? I can't tell you how that stimulates my IQ. What a load of double bed sheeeets. I'd like to get off of it but I can't now somehow. It seems like I'm hanging on there for some reason. There is seriously something wrong with people who are on there. (I'm talking to me) Okay, now I'm on a drug. The Facebook drug. It has caused untold harm to my very selfish, uncaring and cruel DIL and me. We had such a one way relationship anyway. If I don't have a relationship with her, though, no son, the one I raised and loved and taught all his life. Can anybody say, "Amen?" It is hard to stop love at the water's edge for a Mother.
Barely there:
You made me laugh about backing off more would take you to China lol.....good point...how much is how much? Also Miss Understood.....about backing off she would be in another state....Oh Ladies, I love you.
But seriously, I am very sad about everything that is happening to you precious ladies....Anna, Barelythere, cdb, Ms. Understood... All that about facebook is terrible. I agree with Sassy about Barely there not having to apologize a abit for posting or chatting with dil and gc. Since when this is a crime. How dare they......I dont understand....But now you now know, BT, how the water runs.
I also feel I could give my life for my mil (now 90). Did she sometimes express her opinion against mine....sure she did. But I too considered that she loved us all very much and I felt flattered and special having her in my life.
I hope you all have happy changes in your life.
Hugs....
You ladies will have to forgive me, but I am getting a serious kick out of all the facebook comments. I don't mean to offend anyone, but I just can't get on board with the whole facebook is causing problems. Yes, I see things from my DIL on there that makes me cringe, like when about every other day her or her Mother post things about them all going to do things (with my DS). Yes, it makes me jealous and angry since they never visit, or invite us to visit. But do you honestly think that FB is the issue? I had to learn that even if I wasn't seeing it on FB, it would still be happening. Even without seeing it on FB, I am still jealous and angry about the situation. If they are talking about you on there, they are talking about you period. Even without FB, they would be talking about you. If they are ignoring you on there, they are more than likely ignoring you period. In my case, the positives way outweigh the negatives. I get to talk to people that I normally wouldn't get to. I get to catch up with old friends and relatives that I rarely get to see.
If they don't answer their cell phone when you call, or you have an argument on your phone, are you going to blame the phone? If you get an ugly letter, is it the Post Office that is evil? Just like on this forum or in person, you take the good and what applies to your situation and ignore the rest. And if your DIL or DS/DD/GC post something ugly about you, then at least you know that they are angry or something is wrong and get a heads up on how they are acting. Yes, we don't like our dirty laundry aired for everyone and it is insensitive of them, but truly that means they are doing it off FB as well. So I see it as a heads up and trust me, if they are posting flat out lies, then your true friends are just going to see it as "that is how they are and shame on them." If they know you, then they will not believe it. The people that believe it, are not your friends. The people that believe it, want to believe it. I have deleted many people from my friends list that do not add anything to my life. I have a couple of people I know, that only ever post whoa is me status messages. They never have anything good to say about life, so I deleted them. When they send me a friend request now, I hit ignore and go on. After seeing how they are on there, I would have no desire to hang out with them in person, so the power of ignore.
If you have a DIL or NDIL or whoever that is posting ugly things on your wall or someone else's, delete them! Purge your FB of the people that are using it as a tool to further their agenda. They know you are seeing it and are wanting a reaction. Don't give it to them, just like we shouldn't in real life. It is so easy for people to sit behind their computer and be mean. To me, it is cowardice. They can sit and type something terrible, but don't have the fortitude to talk to it in person. Their character flaw, not mine. If they are saying mean things on the phone, hang up. If they are saying mean things in person, walk off. FB is no different. Do not give them the power to treat you badly. Move on. I have friends that tell me, "So and so is always talking badly about me on FB and I'm tired of it!" But yet they leave them on their friends, and guess what? As soon as they log in, that is the first page they go to. They want to see what they have said now and then complain about it. They get angry but yet, they go searching for it first. Hello! Delete them! If you know they are being awful and you go looking for it, you are just as guilty of the drama as they are. They can't hurt you if you don't let them. And if you truly can't stand it, then kill your account and don't use it. It is a choice we all have to use it or not use it.
Quote from: barelythere on September 13, 2010, 08:19:05 PM
Guest and everyone who has responded, I think Facebook is a tool of some demonic force. JK but really, for you, Guest to only be able to see your GC on there is so hurtful. Don't people realize this is horrible? We're all hurt by this thing and I would think a lot of just plain old people are the same way. What if you posted something and no one responded and it wasn't even about GC? You'd get your feelings hurt. The only thing you can do with all this is to go underground somehow. This is so stupid. Who created this path to destruction anyway? People are on there chatting about zero anyway. "I ate a burger tonight" Really? I can't tell you how that stimulates my IQ. What a load of double bed sheeeets. I'd like to get off of it but I can't now somehow. It seems like I'm hanging on there for some reason. There is seriously something wrong with people who are on there. (I'm talking to me) Okay, now I'm on a drug. The Facebook drug. It has caused untold harm to my very selfish, uncaring and cruel DIL and me. We had such a one way relationship anyway. If I don't have a relationship with her, though, no son, the one I raised and loved and taught all his life. Can anybody say, "Amen?" It is hard to stop love at the water's edge for a Mother.
I'm on Facebook and it's not a drug, and last time I looked I was perfectly normal....
I don't go in there to check out my kid's Facebook, I'm in there for my own being and it is a useful tool to me....and has been, when it's not anymore, I'll probably not go on anymore...
and I don't post things about what I'm eating, actually very rarely post, and am not hanging out in there that much...however, it's neither a facebook drug, or a bad thing for me....I've reconnected with a lot of high school friends that I've lost touch with along with internet poets that I've known for over 10 years and lost touch with, along with new friends, friends of sisters, brothers, mothers and yes, even friends of my son's. So, while I'm sorry it's been a bad experience for you, it hasn't been for me, and for a lot of others....who actually enjoy being on facebook as a passtime, as you enjoy being on here. It is not some demonis force.
I'm very sorry to anyone who has had troubles on there....however, it's not Facebook, it's the people who use Facebook to cause hurt, or to snoop...and I'm not talking about anyone who goes in there to see pictures of they're grand child, b/c I did the same thing once...it's a form of snooping, I'll admit, however, I can understand that b/c I did it....
It's part of their whole picture Anna. My DIL has all my DS's account passwords too. I was sending him private emails on FB, nothing about DIL. Just "Hey how you doing" type stuff and he was never responding. I finally saw him one day and said, "Hey, does it bug you for me to send you emails on FB since you never answer?" He just kind of blinked and said, "Mom, DIL checks my FB, I didn't know you were sending me emails." He then told me she had all his passwords.
I just went, "Oh, well if they are not going to you then, I will not send any more. I thought I was talking to you." I couldn't believe it! To me, it was just another control and insecurity issue on her part. But in the overall picture, I should have expected it because of her other behaviors. And yes, I am like you. If I had to spy on my husband all the time, then there is no trust and never will be. My hubby asked me to check his while he was out of town, and I felt weird signing in his account.
Quote from: Pooh on September 14, 2010, 05:58:10 AM
It's part of their whole picture Anna. My DIL has all my DS's account passwords too. I was sending him private emails on FB, nothing about DIL. Just "Hey how you doing" type stuff and he was never responding. I finally saw him one day and said, "Hey, does it bug you for me to send you emails on FB since you never answer?" He just kind of blinked and said, "Mom, DIL checks my FB, I didn't know you were sending me emails." He then told me she had all his passwords.
I just went, "Oh, well if they are not going to you then, I will not send any more. I thought I was talking to you." I couldn't believe it! To me, it was just another control and insecurity issue on her part. But in the overall picture, I should have expected it because of her other behaviors. And yes, I am like you. If I had to spy on my husband all the time, then there is no trust and never will be. My hubby asked me to check his while he was out of town, and I felt weird signing in his account.
but do you see, it's not Facebook, it is however, the people using it....
And the sad thing is Anna, even though you dropped her off, she is probably still doing it. But people will believe whatever they choose to.
Quote from: Pooh on September 14, 2010, 06:03:33 AM
And the sad thing is Anna, even though you dropped her off, she is probably still doing it. But people will believe whatever they choose to.
If I saw someone in there using facebook to bad mouth anyone, or talking about anyone, I'd think they were really deranged...I mean, everyone who knows them can see them doing that, and it would be embarrassing. I've dropped people who have posted inappropriate pictures or have used profanity....not that I don't, I'm just as bad as anyone, however, Facebook really lets people kow what kind of person you are, and quit frankly, a lot of people who are my friends, would deem some of the stuff your referring to as really someone whom they would be embarrassed to admit they know.....
I mean, some of the suggestive posses these young girls use today alone, to me is speaking volumns about what kind of person they are....and they don't care who sees them? Can't imagine how they hurt they're parents....not to mention, stalkers...
So for you ladies who have DIL's in there who are acting inappropriately, believe me, other people will distance themselves from her.....
Creme, I am aware that Facebook is not a living, breathing entity. I know it has no life of its own. My pitiful attemp at humor in the middle of being hurt is my way of trying to relieve stress. Nothing else. If I can't word play and make fun of the hurt, I seem to get stuck in it for centuries. By the use of the word centuries, I really don't mean centuries in its purest form.
Quote from: cremebrulee on September 14, 2010, 05:59:49 AM
but do you see, it's not Facebook, it is however, the people using it....
Yes, Creme. That's exactly what I said in my post about three back. Lol.
Quote from: Pooh on September 14, 2010, 06:19:05 AM
Quote from: cremebrulee on September 14, 2010, 05:59:49 AM
but do you see, it's not Facebook, it is however, the people using it....
Yes, Creme. That's exactly what I said in my post about three back. Lol.
I didn't read your post...sorry, I have now and apologize for not....
No apology needed! I figured you had not.
Quote from: barelythere on September 14, 2010, 06:16:05 AM
Creme, I am aware that Facebook is not a living, breathing entity. I know it has no life of its own. My pitiful attemp at humor in the middle of being hurt is my way of trying to relieve stress. Nothing else. If I can't word play and make fun of the hurt, I seem to get stuck in it for centuries. By the use of the word centuries, I really don't mean centuries in its purest form.
Hi Barelythere....you made a comment about there is really seriously something wrong with people in Facebook, I'm not upset, however, wanted you to understand that all people on Facebook are not demented, I didn't know you were kidding.
Quote from: cremebrulee on September 14, 2010, 06:56:56 AM
Quote from: barelythere on September 14, 2010, 06:16:05 AM
Creme, I am aware that Facebook is not a living, breathing entity. I know it has no life of its own. My pitiful attemp at humor in the middle of being hurt is my way of trying to relieve stress. Nothing else. If I can't word play and make fun of the hurt, I seem to get stuck in it for centuries. By the use of the word centuries, I really don't mean centuries in its purest form.
Hi Barelythere....you made a comment about there is really seriously something wrong with people in Facebook, I'm not upset, however, wanted you to understand that all people on Facebook are not demented, I didn't know you were kidding.
All my friends on Facebook are old friends from long ago and some new ones. I love keeping up with them. Facebook can be used as a great tool for reconnecting with those past and present. With what has happened on there with my DIL, it makes it not a good venue for close relatives and me.
There is too much junk on Facebook for me...lots of time-wasting stuff. I tried it but am stuck in my ways, I guess. I like email.
just felt I had to put it on here. (I don't really know why). I heard this morning you will soon be able to access your facebook while driving. Your reply is voice recognition which is converted into text. OK what next..some people get into enough trouble with misunderstanding with what they type and they can retract what they type before they send but oh boy imagine the misinterpreted messages. I think I will leave that one right alone!! What next. Luise that is one for you! lol
Yikes!
Quote from: Julia on September 15, 2010, 04:00:01 PM
just felt I had to put it on here. (I don't really know why). I heard this morning you will soon be able to access your facebook while driving. Your reply is voice recognition which is converted into text. OK what next..some people get into enough trouble with misunderstanding with what they type and they can retract what they type before they send but oh boy imagine the misinterpreted messages. I think I will leave that one right alone!! What next. Luise that is one for you! lol
Hi Julia....
I'm shocked....
no one should be doing anything while driving...not cell phones, texting, anything but concentrating on the road...I've almost had people stop b/c they can't drive and talk on the cell phone, or stop right in the middle of traffic....
while driving you should always be alert, especially today with all the traffic....you never know what other drivers are going to do, and enough people get killed by drinking and drugs...to me, cell phones are just as bad, and they ought to fine people heavily. I know a family whose daughter killed a woman b/c she was driving while talking on a cell phone.
We had a recent death here where the woman was fund holding a cell phone and there was an open phone directory on the seat beside her.
Hi everyone!
I opened a fb account b/c I wanted to see what it was all about. Don't really post my status much, but it is fun to see what friends and relatives are up to. When I see them after spotting their status on fb, I'll mention that I saw that they just moved into their new home or had an accident or something. I knew my next door neighbor was in a bad car accident only an hour or two after it happened b/c her dd posted it on fb. Otherwise, I doubt I would have known for a while, and possibly not at all. I prayed for her and brought a meal to her house when she got home from the hospital, which is a good outcome of fb. On the other hand, fb is how I found out that my dil was terribly upset with someone for questioning her parenting, for which she posted she would punch the next person in the nose who questioned it. I told my dh (who doesn't have a fb account) and he questioned my ds about it and found out that she was upset with him! I think I posted the story somewhere else here, but it was ridiculous since my dh was obviously just being playful with her (and imho happens to be the best fil on this earth). Anyway, my sister told me not to read my dil's fb - to just ignore it. Ever since then, that's what I do. I just don't open her page any more and stopped asking for prompts when she posts. It's addicting, though, and I have to really use self control. That's my two cents worth.
Hugs, Hope
I only check in if someone writes on my "wall" and I am notified by email. However, my son checks more often and keeps me posted on family stuff since one grown grandson with kids in college lives in Paris. It has just never grabbed me. Most of my family and friends stay at a pretty superficial level there. I like email...it feels more "real." (Yes, I know it's virtual, too...but one-on-one seems more intimate.) Sending love...
I hope they don't either Anna, but sounds like he needs distance from the situation just as you have been doing.
I have a FB account and check it regularly though I don't post all that often myself. FB came in super handy when my graduating class was having its 15 year reunion. We didn't have any at all over the years so far, but because of FB, so many people were connected that it got planned in rather short notice. I can honestly say that another year would have passed us by and my class wouldn't have had a reunion if it wasn't for FB, it was really nice to get together with old friends and I like it because of things like that.
I can honestly say that I am guilty of making one derogatory post while I've had my FB, and yes it was about my MIL. The only reason I did it was because a lot of DH's family is on FB and I was tired of being humiliated by my MIL and SIL's hypocrisy and lies. Enough was enough, I laid it all out there, and I was pleasantly surprised by the responses that my post received. Here is my post word for word, and bleep for bleep. ::)
"Today is the two year anniversary and personal reminder of the six months of pure hell my MIL put me through in order to ruin my wedding day. The one and only good memory of that day is the fact that I married my best friend...(DH), your mother is a lying, self centered, arrogantly hypocritical b@#&!, but I love you anyway!!! Happy Anniversary!"
After all that my MIL and SIL had put me thru, not to mention how my DH had trampled on my emotions in order to please his mother, the only thing I regret about that post was that I was never "friends" with MIL or SIL on FB so that they could personally see it. However, many of DH's cousin's are, and most have said to me privately at one time or another that they are aware of my MIL/SIL's behavior. His maternal grandmother even pulled me aside once just after MIL's tantrums about our wedding had started and she stated that she doesn't even like to call her daughter (my MIL) on the telephone or anything because she's so tired of her behaviour. His aunt stopped me one day and was extremely sympathetic and stated "(Sunny), I can't imagine what she'll put you through, she doesn't like me and I only married her brother, you're marrying her son." All of these people were well aware of the way MIL acted and would privately tell me they were sorry, but not a single one had the ca-hones to stand up to MIL in our defense. They all believe in the notion that "blood is thicker than water", so they all stood by as MIL/ SIL behaved like buffoons and treated DH and I with no respect.
My FB post was my 'not so silent stand' of I'm not taking it anymore. I don't care if she's family no one has the right to treat me that way, and I was tired of his family's hush-hush attitude of condoning her behavior, so yep, I made it as public as I could....and like I said, I truly only regret that his mother didn't see it.
I am very careful to not do that Sunny, but I have put "veiled" things on there that I was hoping if the right person read it, they would know....Lol. Things like, "One thing about FB is, you can find out who truly cares about you, and who is just being nosey." (In reference to my DIL and her Mother sending me a friend request but never posting anything to me.) I used to post things on my DILs wall, on holidays saying "Happy 4th of July!" and such, but not once, has she ever responded, or her Mother. So I quit doing that.
I applaud your honesty.
Oh, Sunny1....I don't think that was a wise choice to do that. It did take a lot of guts to admit that you did it on here. I am not here to criticize you at all...let me tell you why I think it was a bad idea.
1. two wrongs do not and never will make a right.
2. living well is the best revenge.
3. speak impeccable truth is the right thing to do. Don't blast with words...it's just plain wrong. We are in control of our own tongues.
4. just because you are angry at your MIL, doesn't mean it was anyone elses business.
5. Someone who loves your MIL will now look at you as not such a nice person.
and the most important one....
6. It disrespects your husband.
Now, that being said...don't take this as I am scolding you, because you probably regret that you really did do that. Take this as something to consider next time you get mad at your MIL. Journal or something, but never throw your dirty laundry out for anyone to see.
One thing I did learn in life is that sometimes we act with our emotions, anger and fear and that action will haunt us for ever. Deep breath before lashing out....Even if you feel justified. :-\
Anna, first of all I'm not the least bit offended or surprised by your response. I know that FB is not the place for such things, and trust me, I thought long and hard about who all of my friends are on FB and how they may or may not take my post. But I think it was very clear about who and why I directed it at that person, and again, half of DH's family that I am friends with on FB either just gave me a silent "I'm sorry, I know she's like that" or flat laughed and said, "yep, she's like that" before the wedding. Yet never didanything to help DH or I. They all condone it and put it off as "well, that's just the way she is." It's not OK by me.
For two and a half years she manipulated my DH, and in turn all of it humiliated degraded me and my feelings and has neerly ruined my marriage. I don't expect anyone here to fully understand the extent of it, but it was sooo bad I should have walked away and not married my DH. Her actions and extent of hypocrisy made no secret about her feelings for me. After putting up with it for so long I decided to put it out there about how I felt. I wasn't trying to make friends with my post. I was definitely doing the exact opposite. (or as you say , trying to get a reaction) She'll no longer silently treat me like dirt, I want EVERYONE to know what crummy mother and human being she is. I'm done being nice to her....and trust me, it's one of those situations that you'd have to know her. To look at her she is truly a physically beautiful woman, she puts on a great show and does all kinds of volunteering at church and such. But I've said before, that her amount of narcissism and hypocrisy would make most politicians look good. I've never met anyone like her and I can't believe someone would treat their own son in such a way. We were actually made to feel guilty that our wedding was about us and not his mom or sister. It was very absurd, an degrading as all of it played out. It was so bad that I was having panic attacks approaching our anniversary because the amount of animosity that surrounded our wedding, hence the reason I wrote that.
She is not worth any of it to me anymore, and I don't care about her feelings or what anyone else thought either, not a single person that may have origianally read my post on FB that might have been offended by it, ever once stopped to consider my feelings. Since blood is thicker than water and I was the outsider, my feelings didn't matter.
My panic attacks surrounding our anniversary were so bad that DH and I decided not to celebrate on that day. The amount of hurt surrounding that day far,far,far, outweighs the happiness.
Quote from: Sunny1 on September 24, 2010, 08:14:29 AM
Anna, first of all I'm not the least bit offended or surprised by your response. I know that FB is not the place for such things, and trust me, I thought long and hard about who all of my friends are on FB and how they may or may not take my post. But I think it was very clear about who and why I directed it at that person, and again, half of DH's family that I am friends with on FB either just gave me a silent "I'm sorry, I know she's like that" or flat laughed and said, "yep, she's like that" before the wedding. Yet never didanything to help DH or I. They all condone it and put it off as "well, that's just the way she is." It's not OK by me.
For two and a half years she manipulated my DH, and in turn all of it humiliated degraded me and my feelings and has neerly ruined my marriage. I don't expect anyone here to fully understand the extent of it, but it was sooo bad I should have walked away and not married my DH. Her actions and extent of hypocrisy made no secret about her feelings for me. After putting up with it for so long I decided to put it out there about how I felt. I wasn't trying to make friends with my post. I was definitely doing the exact opposite. (or as you say , trying to get a reaction) She'll no longer silently treat me like dirt, I want EVERYONE to know what crummy mother and human being she is. I'm done being nice to her....and trust me, it's one of those situations that you'd have to know her. To look at her she is truly a physically beautiful woman, she puts on a great show and does all kinds of volunteering at church and such. But I've said before, that her amount of narcissism and hypocrisy would make most politicians look good. I've never met anyone like her and I can't believe someone would treat their own son in such a way. We were actually made to feel guilty that our wedding was about us and not his mom or sister. It was very absurd, an degrading as all of it played out. It was so bad that I was having panic attacks approaching our anniversary because the amount of animosity that surrounded our wedding, hence the reason I wrote that.
She is not worth any of it to me anymore, and I don't care about her feelings or what anyone else thought either, not a single person that may have origianally read my post on FB that might have been offended by it, ever once stopped to consider my feelings. Since blood is thicker than water and I was the outsider, my feelings didn't matter.
My panic attacks surrounding our anniversary were so bad that DH and I decided not to celebrate on that day. The amount of hurt surrounding that day far,far,far, outweighs the happiness.
Dear Sunny, I'm so sorry about all this with his Mother. She does sound horrible. I'm desperate to find out what we have done to our son to make him treat us like he does. You've stated some of the things your MIL has done, can you tell me others. I hope to God I have not done those things!! Surely I've done something. My DILs family is a handful and bothers them constantly. I am thinking in my head that after they used me that they don't want us to be the handful her parents have been?
Quote from: Miss Understood on September 24, 2010, 08:03:32 AM
Oh, Sunny1....I don't think that was a wise choice to do that. It did take a lot of guts to admit that you did it on here. I am not here to criticize you at all...let me tell you why I think it was a bad idea.
1. two wrongs do not and never will make a right.
2. living well is the best revenge.
3. speak impeccable truth is the right thing to do. Don't blast with words...it's just plain wrong. We are in control of our own tongues.
4. just because you are angry at your MIL, doesn't mean it was anyone elses business.
5. Someone who loves your MIL will now look at you as not such a nice person.
and the most important one....
6. It disrespects your husband.
Now, that being said...don't take this as I am scolding you, because you probably regret that you really did do that. Take this as something to consider next time you get mad at your MIL. Journal or something, but never throw your dirty laundry out for anyone to see.
One thing I did learn in life is that sometimes we act with our emotions, anger and fear and that action will haunt us for ever. Deep breath before lashing out....Even if you feel justified. :-\
MU - Like I said, I don't regret it. (Don't worry I'm not mad) In most situations I have lived by your rules and actually followed them concerning her for quite some time. But I've since learned that evil exists and it comes in the form of my MIL.
4. Again, the hush-hush condones her behavior in his family. Trust me, she publicly humiliated me far worse.
5. I didn't post something like that on FB trying to make friends with anyone, and anybody who really matters understood the extent of it.
6. All the while all of this went on, my husband defended her and her warped feelings, which meant he trampled on mine. At least I was blatant instead of subtly belittling anyone the way an emotional vampire would do. Again, my DH spent the previous two and a half years disrespecting me. Like I said, this was my shout out that I'd had enough.
Quote from: barelythere on September 24, 2010, 08:19:54 AM
Quote from: Sunny1 on September 24, 2010, 08:14:29 AM
Anna, first of all I'm not the least bit offended or surprised by your response. I know that FB is not the place for such things, and trust me, I thought long and hard about who all of my friends are on FB and how they may or may not take my post. But I think it was very clear about who and why I directed it at that person, and again, half of DH's family that I am friends with on FB either just gave me a silent "I'm sorry, I know she's like that" or flat laughed and said, "yep, she's like that" before the wedding. Yet never didanything to help DH or I. They all condone it and put it off as "well, that's just the way she is." It's not OK by me.
For two and a half years she manipulated my DH, and in turn all of it humiliated degraded me and my feelings and has neerly ruined my marriage. I don't expect anyone here to fully understand the extent of it, but it was sooo bad I should have walked away and not married my DH. Her actions and extent of hypocrisy made no secret about her feelings for me. After putting up with it for so long I decided to put it out there about how I felt. I wasn't trying to make friends with my post. I was definitely doing the exact opposite. (or as you say , trying to get a reaction) She'll no longer silently treat me like dirt, I want EVERYONE to know what crummy mother and human being she is. I'm done being nice to her....and trust me, it's one of those situations that you'd have to know her. To look at her she is truly a physically beautiful woman, she puts on a great show and does all kinds of volunteering at church and such. But I've said before, that her amount of narcissism and hypocrisy would make most politicians look good. I've never met anyone like her and I can't believe someone would treat their own son in such a way. We were actually made to feel guilty that our wedding was about us and not his mom or sister. It was very absurd, an degrading as all of it played out. It was so bad that I was having panic attacks approaching our anniversary because the amount of animosity that surrounded our wedding, hence the reason I wrote that.
She is not worth any of it to me anymore, and I don't care about her feelings or what anyone else thought either, not a single person that may have origianally read my post on FB that might have been offended by it, ever once stopped to consider my feelings. Since blood is thicker than water and I was the outsider, my feelings didn't matter.
My panic attacks surrounding our anniversary were so bad that DH and I decided not to celebrate on that day. The amount of hurt surrounding that day far,far,far, outweighs the happiness.
Dear Sunny, I'm so sorry about all this with his Mother. She does sound horrible. I'm desperate to find out what we have done to our son to make him treat us like he does. You've stated some of the things your MIL has done, can you tell me others. I hope to God I have not done those things!! Surely I've done something. My DILs family is a handful and bothers them constantly. I am thinking in my head that after they used me that they don't want us to be the handful her parents have been?
BT - it took me a long time to realize that I did nothing wrong to deserve the way DH's mom and sis treated me. I kept playing things over in my head, and it took a lot of talking to others too to realize that it all came down to some very simple things. MIL and SIL had spent their lives controlling and manipulating DH, but then I came along. I was independent and going to take their control of him away. I'm not at all saying that all families are like this, I find it disheartening as I watch some of my friends and the great way that they are able to get along with their in-laws. But it's just that there are some very self-centered people out there and sometimes there is absolutelty nothing that you can do to please them. Sometimes, they are just determined to dislike you and will go so far as to imagine things up to make excuses to do just that.
Those are the people that you have to find healthy boundaries with and seperate yourself from.
Quote from: Sunny1 on September 24, 2010, 08:49:37 AM
Quote from: barelythere on September 24, 2010, 08:19:54 AM
Quote from: Sunny1 on September 24, 2010, 08:14:29 AM
Anna, first of all I'm not the least bit offended or surprised by your response. I know that FB is not the place for such things, and trust me, I thought long and hard about who all of my friends are on FB and how they may or may not take my post. But I think it was very clear about who and why I directed it at that person, and again, half of DH's family that I am friends with on FB either just gave me a silent "I'm sorry, I know she's like that" or flat laughed and said, "yep, she's like that" before the wedding. Yet never didanything to help DH or I. They all condone it and put it off as "well, that's just the way she is." It's not OK by me.
For two and a half years she manipulated my DH, and in turn all of it humiliated degraded me and my feelings and has neerly ruined my marriage. I don't expect anyone here to fully understand the extent of it, but it was sooo bad I should have walked away and not married my DH. Her actions and extent of hypocrisy made no secret about her feelings for me. After putting up with it for so long I decided to put it out there about how I felt. I wasn't trying to make friends with my post. I was definitely doing the exact opposite. (or as you say , trying to get a reaction) She'll no longer silently treat me like dirt, I want EVERYONE to know what crummy mother and human being she is. I'm done being nice to her....and trust me, it's one of those situations that you'd have to know her. To look at her she is truly a physically beautiful woman, she puts on a great show and does all kinds of volunteering at church and such. But I've said before, that her amount of narcissism and hypocrisy would make most politicians look good. I've never met anyone like her and I can't believe someone would treat their own son in such a way. We were actually made to feel guilty that our wedding was about us and not his mom or sister. It was very absurd, an degrading as all of it played out. It was so bad that I was having panic attacks approaching our anniversary because the amount of animosity that surrounded our wedding, hence the reason I wrote that.
She is not worth any of it to me anymore, and I don't care about her feelings or what anyone else thought either, not a single person that may have origianally read my post on FB that might have been offended by it, ever once stopped to consider my feelings. Since blood is thicker than water and I was the outsider, my feelings didn't matter.
My panic attacks surrounding our anniversary were so bad that DH and I decided not to celebrate on that day. The amount of hurt surrounding that day far,far,far, outweighs the happiness.
Dear Sunny, I'm so sorry about all this with his Mother. She does sound horrible. I'm desperate to find out what we have done to our son to make him treat us like he does. You've stated some of the things your MIL has done, can you tell me others. I hope to God I have not done those things!! Surely I've done something. My DILs family is a handful and bothers them constantly. I am thinking in my head that after they used me that they don't want us to be the handful her parents have been?
BT - it took me a long time to realize that I did nothing wrong to deserve the way DH's mom and sis treated me. I kept playing things over in my head, and it took a lot of talking to others too to realize that it all came down to some very simple things. MIL and SIL had spent their lives controlling and manipulating DH, but then I came along. I was independent and going to take their control of him away. I'm not at all saying that all families are like this, I find it disheartening as I watch some of my friends and the great way that they are able to get along with their in-laws. But it's just that there are some very self-centered people out there and sometimes there is absolutelty nothing that you can do to please them. Sometimes, they are just determined to dislike you and will go so far as to imagine things up to make excuses to do just that.
Those are the people that you have to find healthy boundaries with and seperate yourself from.
But this is our son. He married a very rich, controlling woman and she can be the most cruel individual on the planet. If she wants something, she is like the world's kindest. This has filtered down to my GD. I chatted with her on Facebook. (I plead innocent) They made it where I can't see what they are writing and I can't contact them. I wouldn't anyway now that I know. I have wracked my brain for what I could have done to him It was great for years but that's when they needed me and now they don't so it's hateful glares. I am beyond sad.
Same here Sunny1...i am not saying your MIL is right either. Only you really know what your dynamics are in your relationship. I just know that things get worse when both carry the two edged sword.
My DS and DIL are so mean to me and treat me so badly....I will never, ever lash out at them....why? Because I am a better person than that and just because they are acting awful doesn't give me the right to do that in return. We are responsible for OUR own actions. Feel good about what you do and don't play the game. I read where you said the other family members commented that she was like that, said I'm sorry or laughed...well, you really don't know what they are thinking and you never will.
Now, How can I say this delicately so you hear what I am sharing and not turn it around...read this with an open mind...this might help you.
You husband will resent you if you put a wedge between him and his mother...in time. Maybe he is sticking up for her for that very reason. You should look at this closer. I'd advise to just step back and let him deal with his mom and let him have free reign to do as he pleases with his FOO. If you make him chose to feel the way you feel and hate his mother...sooner or later you will see that will back fire on your marriage.
I can say this now because not only did it happen to me with my 1st marriage (I was very young and admit that I didn't realize this until recently) and I have met at least 3 dozen women that can say the same thing. This goes with roping in the husband too much too. For instance, "you can't fish with your friends or you can't go out by yourself from time to time." All of us mature women who have been married for a long time have learned you cannot tell a man what he can and cannot do. There are ways to sway his decisions...but it isn't telling him what he is allowed. Your DH may stick up for his mom because he has a tight bond with her that he is not willing to break...putting the garbage aside, come up with a solution that you all can live with and you and your DH can have a good life.
Remember...nothing your MIL can do defines you as a person. You are who you are and she is who she is....who's to say who is right and who is wrong. This is life, try to figure out a way to dance with the other woman in your DH's life.
MU - believe it or not, I hear you loud and clear on this, and I could go point by point and tell you why I'm doing/ or did the exact opposite. I agree its unhealthy to carry the two edged sword, but the fact is, I was already getting severely stabbed by it anyway and DH was allowing it, if there is anyone that is carrying around resentment, it's me. Dh allowed his mom to manipulate him which was all because she didn't like me, for whatever absurd reasons she had in her head. The only wedge that's been between us WAS his mother.
I most definitely believe in being the bigger person as well, and in most cases it works. But with my MIL, its exactly what she expects and wants from people. You see she is a lifelong Christian who knows exactly how and when to hide behind that veil of "Christianity", and SIL acts just like her. They've always dealt with people in the church and when others, just I had problems with her, of course did the "right " thing, it all fed into her and showed weakness in her eyes. The thing is, MIL knows and expects that from everyone. She uses it as her licence to treat people like dirt. Funny thing is, she NEVER admits to any wrongdoing herself...never apologizes for anything...ever. I was even told by my pastor who had also had dealings with her, that I could expect hell to freeze over before my MIL ever admits to anything or apologizes.
And heck, if anything I'm having to encourage him go out and go golfing, and stuff. Like I said somewhere else on here, I was a single mom for nearly ten years before DH and I married. I liked my independence and think its not healthy to spend all my waking time with DH. He has to have a life beyond me or he'll drive me crazy. :o
Merriam-Webster defines a hypcrite as:
1: a person who puts on a false appearance of virtue or religion
2: a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings
So no, my MIL may not define me as a person, though she tried and my DH was allowing her to, but right or wrong I will say with gusto that it is a fact that my MIL is an extremely hypocritical person...and I'm not dancing with her because trust me...that's exactly what she wants.
Sunny1, sorry for all you are going through....really. My parents sound like your MIL. I know that horrible feeling. Do what you need to do for you and your DH then and I hope that you are able to put some of the anger aside and be happy.
I was not judging you either...so, please don't read it that way.
Thanks MU, and don't worry, I'm not looking at it as you were judging me. I realize of course that we're all here for different reasons and its very difficult to get into the mind of anyone else on this site.
I know I'm far from perfect, but I'd like to think I have the sense to be humble enough to admit my imperfections, and I genuinely try to give everyone else that same benefit (in life) too. I don't know if I can ever express how much I compromised of myself, my beliefs and my morals in order to come to some accord with my MIL only to realize she had succeeded in manipulating DH again...and it was all for naught, her intentions were to just have control and yet still not be happy with the outcome because I was still there. My DH has recently opened his eyes to all of this, and he is ashamed of his mother and himself for not seeing it much sooner...he was really blinded by her and nearly thought she walked on water while growing up. I can't imagine having to come to the realization that your own mother was "saying" she was looking out for his best interests, yet finding out that all she was looking out for was her selfish ones and sabotaging his...she talked the talk, but walked a completely different one, I still don't understand how DH could have been so blind to it, but he was. It really was almost cult-like.
I came across a couple of quotes that reminded me of my MIL and SIL:
"What makes it so plausible to assume that hypocrisy is the vice of vices is that integrity can indeed exist under the cover of all other vices except this one. Only crime and the criminal, it is true, confront us with the perplexity of radical evil; but only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core." ~ Hannah Arendt
"Hypocrisy, the lie, is the true sister of evil, intolerance, and cruelty." ~ Raisa Gorbachev
I do believe that the truth always comes out.
So yes, I know it may seem immature what I posted on FB, but I really am confident in it. I'd never dream of doing what she did to both me and her son, but after being drug thru the mud like she'd done to me, and her not having the slightest bit of remorse over it, I'd realized that I wasn't dealing with someone who had an ounce of feelings for anyone but herself. My FB post was my "enough is enough, and calling her what she really is in public because everyone condones her behavior tirade."
Nope I don't regret it. My only concern now is repairing my marriage....I do believe it's sad that it had to come to what it did between my MIL and I, but sometimes, enough is enough.
I didn't mean for this to go into my MIL issues, I really only posted on here to say what I posted on FB,and I really did it with eyes wide open to who would see it and such.... ;) So please continue talking about facebook gals. :)
Quote from: Sunny1 on September 24, 2010, 03:24:18 PM
Thanks MU, and don't worry, I'm not looking at it as you were judging me. I realize of course that we're all here for different reasons and its very difficult to get into the mind of anyone else on this site.
I know I'm far from perfect, but I'd like to think I have the sense to be humble enough to admit my imperfections, and I genuinely try to give everyone else that same benefit (in life) too. I don't know if I can ever express how much I compromised of myself, my beliefs and my morals in order to come to some accord with my MIL only to realize she had succeeded in manipulating DH again...and it was all for naught, her intentions were to just have control and yet still not be happy with the outcome because I was still there. My DH has recently opened his eyes to all of this, and he is ashamed of his mother and himself for not seeing it much sooner...he was really blinded by her and nearly thought she walked on water while growing up. I can't imagine having to come to the realization that your own mother was "saying" she was looking out for his best interests, yet finding out that all she was looking out for was her selfish ones and sabotaging his...she talked the talk, but walked a completely different one, I still don't understand how DH could have been so blind to it, but he was. It really was almost cult-like.
I came across a couple of quotes that reminded me of my MIL and SIL:
"What makes it so plausible to assume that hypocrisy is the vice of vices is that integrity can indeed exist under the cover of all other vices except this one. Only crime and the criminal, it is true, confront us with the perplexity of radical evil; but only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core." ~ Hannah Arendt
"Hypocrisy, the lie, is the true sister of evil, intolerance, and cruelty." ~ Raisa Gorbachev
I do believe that the truth always comes out.
So yes, I know it may seem immature what I posted on FB, but I really am confident in it. I'd never dream of doing what she did to both me and her son, but after being drug thru the mud like she'd done to me, and her not having the slightest bit of remorse over it, I'd realized that I wasn't dealing with someone who had an ounce of feelings for anyone but herself. My FB post was my "enough is enough, and calling her what she really is in public because everyone condones her behavior tirade."
Nope I don't regret it. My only concern now is repairing my marriage....I do believe it's sad that it had to come to what it did between my MIL and I, but sometimes, enough is enough.
I didn't mean for this to go into my MIL issues, I really only posted on here to say what I posted on FB,and I really did it with eyes wide open to who would see it and such.... ;) So please continue talking about facebook gals. :)
I tried so hard to be the perfect Mother. No one is perfect, though. When you look at your parents from a distance, you are aways going to find things you didn't like. Hope this never happens to you, Sunny. It makes you so fragile that it's hard to see any good in life at all. Losing your kids while they're still living is too much.
I sure hope that you don't have a son that grows up and gets married to a woman that brings to light that in his eyes you no longer walk on water...it's a hard pill to swallow.
We never did walk on water!
No, I certainly never could walk on it, Luise...it is just a metaphor but it's also true, when our faults are pointed out all the time, it makes a difference to the sons.
True, but it was an awsome feeling when your son's thought you did :) or atleast that ypou were a good mom
Quote from: Miss Understood on September 24, 2010, 04:01:48 PM
True, but it was an awsome feeling when your son's thought you did :) or atleast that ypou were a good mom
Yes, that's what hurts so much, he adored me and his Dad.
Mine too. But, I was good to him and DIL. It is hard to comprehend how all of a sudden their "eyes are wide open" and it took the DIL to bring that to his attention....atleast in my situation. Funny how my DS was a blind, stupid.man until he got married! She is such a miracle worker...I should be so grateful, I just raised him from birth and had no clue that he was so stupid and I was such an awful mother.
Luise...I am laughing as I am writing this...seriously! It sounds sillier writing it and reading it! Great therapy and cheaper too
Quote from: Sunny1 on September 24, 2010, 08:14:29 AM
For two and a half years she manipulated my DH, and in turn all of it humiliated degraded me and my feelings and has neerly ruined my marriage. I don't expect anyone here to fully understand the extent of it, but it was sooo bad I should have walked away and not married my DH. Her actions and extent of hypocrisy made no secret about her feelings for me. After putting up with it for so long I decided to put it out there about how I felt. I wasn't trying to make friends with my post. I was definitely doing the exact opposite. (or as you say , trying to get a reaction) She'll no longer silently treat me like dirt, I want EVERYONE to know what crummy mother and human being she is. I'm done being nice to her....and trust me, it's one of those situations that you'd have to know her. To look at her she is truly a physically beautiful woman, she puts on a great show and does all kinds of volunteering at church and such. But I've said before, that her amount of narcissism and hypocrisy would make most politicians look good. I've never met anyone like her and I can't believe someone would treat their own son in such a way. We were actually made to feel guilty that our wedding was about us and not his mom or sister. It was very absurd, an degrading as all of it played out. It was so bad that I was having panic attacks approaching our anniversary because the amount of animosity that surrounded our wedding, hence the reason I wrote that.
Sunny1
I truly understand how you feel about letting it all hang out on Facebook. I have wanted to let my dil have it so many times since she acused me of all of the cruel things that she did. I want to tell anyone who would listen what kind of person my dil is. We left our church because I couldn't deal with running into her or my gs and knowing I would have to walk away.
My DH is my hand over my mouth. Peace at home means that I walk away and not give her any amunition to use against us.
My fdil is dealing with problems over her and my ods's wedding but her problem is her own mom. I have not had anything to do with this wedding except to hold my ods's hand as he has help the fdil deal with the problems that his fmil is causing.
It is truely sad that these people forget that when two people get married that something new is created. I knew that my relationship with my ds would change but I thought it would change for the better because he would have a more complete life. The problem all of us have is that there is one person who cannot handle this change wether it be a mil or dil.
She is not worth any of it to me anymore, and I don't care about her feelings or what anyone else thought either, not a single person that may have origianally read my post on FB that might have been offended by it, ever once stopped to consider my feelings. Since blood is thicker than water and I was the outsider, my feelings didn't matter.
My panic attacks surrounding our anniversary were so bad that DH and I decided not to celebrate on that day. The amount of hurt surrounding that day far,far,far, outweighs the happiness.
You are right but I would like to see my gs again one day and if I say anything bad about her, she might turn him against me. I don't care about my ys anymore because of this.. That gs is all that matters.
My simple advice here is don't let her win. Every time you don't celelbrate something or avoid a place because of her gives her power that she shouldn't have.
Quote from: Miss Understood on September 24, 2010, 03:55:57 PM
I sure hope that you don't have a son that grows up and gets married to a woman that brings to light that in his eyes you no longer walk on water...it's a hard pill to swallow.
I don't walk on water, and I would never give my son the false impression that I do, that's the difference between my MIL and I. She genuinely believes that she is faultless, and my DH believed it too. I was raised knowing my parents were imperfect but loved them none-the-less.
My son is 14. I have had to share custody of him with my ex-husband, my ex-abuser since he was two years old. Every other week for the past twelve years I have let him go to someone who hurt me immeasurably but have still kept my mouth shut about my feelings. He's at an age where he is starting to make his own descisions...I couldn't imagine manipulating my son like my MIL manipulated hers. My parents certainly never did that to me either, and whatever he grows up to do, I will support him as any "normal" mother would. My MIL is not "normal."
I'm not sure if you're trying to convince me or not that, somewhere along the lines I may have misconstrewed my MIL's behaviour, and my DH and I having to seperate her from us as that I did something to deserve it. And I couldn't imagine having to be "cut-off" from my own son either, but I can honestly say I am a realist...I can look at all of this and say, "yes a wrote a derogatory FB post", however my MIL still insists she never did anything wrong, never manipulated her son, and heck she insists that
I threw her under the bus the day
she caused a scene at the bridal shop. What I'm trying to say is...I know and admit to when I behave badly. According to my MIlL though, she never behaves badly. Regardless who my son chooses to marry someday, I know that I would never behave like my MIL did to me, I wasn't raised to treat someone like that. I also know that if something were to happen to cause me being "cut-off" from him I would try toamend it if possible...my MIL on th aother hand seriously cares about only herself, she intended to stop our wedding and my DH was blind to it, she only cared about her feelings.
Relax Sunny1. Yes, you are misunderstanding what I am sayng. Yes, your MIL sound horrific. On the other hand, most of us MIL's here are very good MIL's with insecure DIL's who suddenly "enlighten" our sons....I said some thing in jest because humor sometimes helps the painful moments.
Try to release the anger you feel and learn from this. You may get stuck with your DS someday and saying you will try to mend things won't work if he doesn't let you.
I did nothing wrong except be good to DS and DIL, I would've sold my soul to work or mend things (whatever it it) but there is nothing...they chose to do what they do and I cannot do a thing about it.
Just be happy!
Quote from: Miss Understood on September 24, 2010, 06:33:12 PM
Relax Sunny1. Yes, you are misunderstanding what I am sayng. Yes, your MIL sound horrific. On the other hand, most of us MIL's here are very good MIL's with insecure DIL's who suddenly "enlighten" our sons....I said some thing in jest because humor sometimes helps the painful moments.
Try to release the anger you feel and learn from this. You may get stuck with your DS someday and saying you will try to mend things won't work if he doesn't let you.
I did nothing wrong except be good to DS and DIL, I would've sold my soul to work or mend things (whatever it it) but there is nothing...they chose to do what they do and I cannot do a thing about it.
Just be happy!
Whew! That's good to hear. I thought you were serious and scolding me. LOL ;D It's so difficult to read your face when your writing...hehe! ;)
None of this is a joking matter, but our own sarcasm sometimes makes us hear the logic in the back of our heads. You can't make sense over something that makes no sense. :)
It is so hard when others do things we would never think of doing and not only get away with , but think it's fine. Most of us on this site have suffered with that kind of injustice. I don't see a workable answer because it has to do with beliefs and values. And they can vary to the degree that we feel we're in a foreign land where we don't know the language or customs. It's terribly painful.
There is the "what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine" concept expanded out into extended families. It's a horror. MILs do it and DILs do it and mass destruction ensues.
Well put, MU!
Thank you luise for this site and your wisdom and to all the other women here who I have met, shared their stories and experience.
On most days my logical side is out more and more and heartbroken emotional side went on vacation. Somedays!
But what I have learned, which I want to pass this off to Sunny1 and to anyone else who reads this for what it is and an open mind....Luise, you told me from day one that I will change me through this. You were 100 percent right. I have changed me for sure. Many things from the way I view myself, to looking in the past and figuring out how I got here and what I've learned, to taking time for me (which I never did before) to learning patience, to practicing relaxation and most of all to relinquish control of the fact that I am not responsible for anyone's actions. In my situation I did not do anything to deserve what DS and DIL are doing, what my parents chose to do or anyone else involved. What my DS and DIL did to create this ridiculous situation is ALL about them and even though I didn't want to be drug into this insanity, I was. I have learned to remove myself from it. I want with all my heart to have a relationship with My DS, DIL and GD, but if that is ever allowed or if they even give an inch...I am not the same and the warm and fuzzy is gone and I will not make that a priority in my life ever again. I will never let my guard down again and ever allow them to take their frustrations or anger out on me again. I won't allow myself to be disrespected or manipulated to believe that I am the cause of their problems and I am spending their inheritance on my DH and myself :) Yes, I've changed.
I also learned about some of my (very few :)) faults and am practicing changing them...not for anyone else, but for me. I want to be a good person...the one I am in control of.
Sunny1...we learn so much in life from 20-30 and then from 30-40 and then 40-50 and Luise, please correct me if I am wrong...life is a learning lesson everyday and we never actually reach that point we know everything or have it all figured out. What I am saying is...re-think everything in you...change you...try things different...find what works for you. Life doesn't have to be black and white, one way or the other and knowing your MIL's personality, don't buy into it and don't take any ownership with it, set some appropriate boundaries and work at changing you in the relationship, what she does is her...you don't have to play that game. Sometimes it just is what it is and you made a comment that you would mend things is your DS ever did this...well, hopefully you won't have to because you are gathering so much wisdom here that you will bw wise and see things before it happens or have the tools to tackle it better by being better equiped than most of us who were blindsided...but as a DIL..from a MIL, maybe she wants to fit in and just doesn't know how because what she knows and what she does is all she knows. Look deeper...honey, you have to be happy but true cutting out doesn't make things better...really, it may sound easier and be a quick fix, but sometimes the best relationships can take a lifetime to see why it's there to begin with. I am totally not saying she is right and you are wrong...what I am saying is that I think you are wise and can be wiser and learn you and change things one minute at a time, to one hour at a time, one day at a time and so on.Sometimes our logical side gets clouded with anger and pain. My best wishes are with you. Really...you will look back at this and you will grow from it if you allow. There is a reason for everything and it usually isn't what we think it is.
Just want to apologize for typos, etc in my posts...I am typing on my phone and my old eyes and my big fingers don't do so well. I'm sure you can figure it out. Hahaha! :))
Your progress makes my heart sing! That's what healing is all about' perspective. The circumstances don't change, we do. We step up to the plate, let go of our attachment to being right and being the victims of being wronged...and we take responsibility for our own happiness. It's not easy and it isn't usually smooth sailing but we find our own strength when we shift our focus. You are a WWU Poster Child! ;D Sending love...
Quote from: Miss Understood on September 25, 2010, 04:49:24 AM
Sunny1...we learn so much in life from 20-30 and then from 30-40 and then 40-50 and Luise, please correct me if I am wrong...life is a learning lesson everyday and we never actually reach that point we know everything or have it all figured out. What I am saying is...re-think everything in you...change you...try things different...find what works for you. Life doesn't have to be black and white, one way or the other and knowing your MIL's personality, don't buy into it and don't take any ownership with it, set some appropriate boundaries and work at changing you in the relationship, what she does is her...you don't have to play that game.
I hope someday to be as wise as Luise.. :) Sadly, I think I had a much more open mind before all the chaos with my MIL started, I kept having to give in and compromise way beyond what was appropriate because my DH refused to believe his mother was doing anything less than what was in his best interest. (Apparently the multi-billion dollar wedding industry has it all wrong, and my MIL is right.) *sarcasm* I never bought into her, and I wanted to set boundaries, DH wouldn't. A lot of our problem has been there. And heck, I'd like to change me back into the person I was before all of this, I was a lot more trusting, I have my guard up again. It took me years to knock down my defensive walls after leaving my ex-husband, I never would have thought something like this would cause me to go into defensive mode, but it has...they really backed me into corner. And I'm talking about my in-laws and my DH, I feel like so much cof this could have been avoided if he would heve had the cahones to stand up to her, but he did just the opposite.
Quote from: Miss Understood on September 25, 2010, 04:49:24 AM
Sometimes it just is what it is and you made a comment that you would mend things is your DS ever did this...well, hopefully you won't have to because you are gathering so much wisdom here that you will bw wise and see things before it happens or have the tools to tackle it better by being better equiped than most of us who were blindsided...but as a DIL..from a MIL, maybe she wants to fit in and just doesn't know how because what she knows and what she does is all she knows. Look deeper...honey, you have to be happy but true cutting out doesn't make things better...really, it may sound easier and be a quick fix, but sometimes the best relationships can take a lifetime to see why it's there to begin with. I am totally not saying she is right and you are wrong...what I am saying is that I think you are wise and can be wiser and learn you and change things one minute at a time, to one hour at a time, one day at a time and so on.Sometimes our logical side gets clouded with anger and pain. My best wishes are with you. Really...you will look back at this and you will grow from it if you allow. There is a reason for everything and it usually isn't what we think it is..
I know you're saying that as wishful thinking, but truly, my MIL had no intention of fitting in. I can only guess at what her intentions were and I have some pretty good assumptions, but really, my MIL is just a conniving manipulative selfish woman whose intentions toward DH and I were not meant for good...that much was extremely clear. Cutting her out
was a last resort, my marriage is in shambles due to her behaviour and DH's inability to see it for what it was, it really felt like he had a mistress for a mother and she was always put before me. (And before anyone gets upset about that comparison, my ex cheated on me too, so yes I know what that feels like)It was really warped, and I know she knew exactly what she was doing, she's arrogantly hypocrital. I don't regret cutting her out, it needed to be done. In my
would've, should've, could've, frame of mind I reallly believe if DH had set boundaries with her in the beginning it would't have had to come to this, but it has. So, really my problems go far deeper than my MIL...she's the least of my worries now. I'm working on repairing my marriage and the anger and resentment I have toward my DH, and also somewhere I'd like to be able to gain some more respect for him...he completely lost my trust and respect thru all of this.
The bottom line is always survival and preserving (or healing) the relationship that has been damaged. Whether it is a DIL or a MIL that has wrecked havoc, we have to pull back, regroup and see how we can go on.
Wherever there are no boundaries and where earlier relationships were to some degree pathological, work has to be done. It usually isn't easy or pretty. Many of us become disillusioned and more than weary; exhausted is a better word.
And yes, we are always (as are those around us) a continued work-in-progress. I am 83 and still on a learning curve that often looks more like a cliff than a curve!
Sending love...
Quote from: Anna on September 24, 2010, 07:08:54 AM
Sunny1, I think your honesty is great, but I don't think your FB post was. I don't think FB is the place for any of that kind of stuff, not by you or your in-laws. It is just wrong. FB is suppose to be a network to socialize. As I learned, by posting an inspirational comment, directed to a cousin, but taken as a personal attack by my ndil, everyone takes things differently, & you should consider how everyone of your friends might take something before posting it. Words cannot express how shocked I was by ndil's reaction. My hubby does not like all the open ended status's that people post like, "I'm sad", or "why did you have to do that", or "I'm not very happy", etc. He wants to know why your sad, why who had to do what, & why you're not happy. Like I'm not very happy cause my cat knocked over my plant & made a big mess. That sort of thing. He wonders why people make all the open ended comments. Hubby doesn't have a FB account but I read some of the things to him. I think the open ended comments are to see how people will respond, & to bring attention to the poster. Just my opinion.
Hi, Anna! I agree with you whole heartedly. Some people use their FB status with open ended comments just to arrouse curiosity so people will ask what's wrong. I notice when my dil does that people will often respond, "let's get together for lunch real soon" or something like that so they can get the scoop. Imho it is just a vehicle to get people to pull the gossip out of you so it appears that you are hesitant to say anything about the other person, but your friend persuaded you to talk. There's a word for that......oh, yeah....manipulation.
Also, I feel sad for you that your sons don't stand by you after all your love and devotion to them. I feel the very same way about our ds. I'm struggling, but pulling back. I wonder if he'll ever notice. Hugs, Hope
Oh, Anna...sending love...
Quote from: Anna on September 25, 2010, 07:14:23 PM
Thanx Hope. I still have not heard from my ods & it has been two & a half weeks. My cousin's grandfather died (last weekend) about a week after I put my inspirational quote on FB, the quote was to her about my dad & her grandparents (my dad & cousins gm are siblings, & cousins gf used to be my dad's best friend) not speaking for over 15 years. It said "The weak never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong". He died & they never resloved their differences. So sad.... My ndil thought I was trying to get her & my dil to like each other, went on FB, used foul language, &, well it was awful. Ndil thought I was saying that she was weak, I guess. I don't really know what went through her head, but I do know as soon as I saw the foul language I dropped her off my friend list. She then retaliated by dropping me of my sons FB list. She apparently has total control over his FB account. Because of this, & some things said in the heat of the moment she said I am done with your _____ing mother. My ndil has only known of me for about a year, my son had an on/off relationship with her for about a year, (if even that long) when they got married. In that year they may have been actually together for 5 or 6 months. My yds told me that ods was doubting getting married right up to the last minute. Honey, if you had any doubts, you shouldn't have gotten married!! They don't even really know each other. Now, because of this, I don't know when, or if, I will hear from my ods. I feel that this is a silly thing to cut off a mil for. So what if I WAS trying to get my dils to like each other, what is so wrong with that? Ndil sent me a message that said if I choose to hold a grudge there is nothing you can do about it, I will decide who I like & who I don't, not you. She went on to say that she won't kiss anyones behind (using nicer language here). My post was not about her, but what if it was? Would it be so wrong to want my dils to like each other? I just can't believe that ods would want to end his relationship wh his Mom. We talk about everything, have great debates, have been through a lot in his lifetime. We have always been there for him. Can he sure that his new wife will always be there for him? Only time will tell what will happen. I wish he would call........... :'(
Oh, boy, Anna. What an assumption your ndil made......and how blown out of proportion it became. I feel bad for you b/c all you want is to have your sons and their families in your life - you aren't trying to compete with your dil's or take your sons away from them - geesh! I wish everyone could understand that us parents just want happiness for our adult children and want to still have them be a special part of our lives. I realize there are the exceptions to the rule - I know there are some very selfish parents out there that are messed up and have their own agenda that has their interests in mind and only theirs - but they are the exception to the rule. I don't think anyone with that mindset would seek out help from this forum - from what I can see the people here are hurting deeply in the loss of their children and have given much of themselves out of true love for them. I can see you only want harmony in your family and happiness for all.
Big hugs, Hope
Oh Anna, what a mess! I'm so sorry!