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General Category => Grab Bag => Topic started by: somom on February 20, 2012, 11:17:48 AM

Title: I don't know how to feel about this
Post by: somom on February 20, 2012, 11:17:48 AM
My brother-in-law 2 days ago just went off on me in front of my husband's siblings and my husband's mother.  It was almost as though he lost it mentally for awhile.  We were discussing politics and the candidates.  I said I do not like this one or that one and I will probably vote for this one.  Well, his voice started to get louder and he presided to insult me several times.  He accused me of being un American and that he would not want to be me.  He called me a communist.  Mind you this man has lived in about 3 states and did not pay state taxes in any of them.  These are states that have state income taxes.  He uses an address in another state as his mailing address.  He has been on the public dole  since he has been 18 and he is now 58 drawing also on a 20 year government pension.  Finally, after all his ranting I stood up and said that I was getting sick to my stomach and was leaving.  I did tell him this is still America and I do have the right to vote for who I want to.  My husband was sitting beside me and offered no support.  He worships this older brother.  I was just sickened by the things he said and still am and also sickened by my husband offering no support and stopping this rude ranting.  I really do not think I want to ever be around him again.  But, it will be hard because he's my husband's brother.  I held my tongue but I could have blasted him.  I did not want to say anything too bad in front of his mother.  Any ideas as to how I should handle seeing him in the future.
Title: Re: I don't know how to feel about this
Post by: Doe on February 20, 2012, 11:54:55 AM
Hi-

Maybe you shouldn't see him in the future for a while.  You don't have to take any public stands, you can just not go to those gatherings.
When you know how you feel about it, you'll probably know better how you want to handle it.
Title: Re: I don't know how to feel about this
Post by: luise.volta on February 20, 2012, 11:55:46 AM
S - I handle something similar by not giving my views no matter how nicely I am asked (or challanged) and when the other person goes all political on me, I simply say that I'm not going there. Then I back it up...by doing just that. Sometimes, I change the subject and other times I actually leave...without being hostile...just "I gotta' go, now." I consider it verbal pollution.  :o
Title: Re: I don't know how to feel about this
Post by: pam1 on February 20, 2012, 01:28:10 PM
somom, I like what Doe and Luise said.  I don't mind discussing with someone my political beliefs/views however when they act as your BIL described I will refuse to have any sort of hot topic discussion with them.

IMO, you don't have to decide to do anything right yet -- do what feels right to you.  If you would be bothered to be in his presence then decline the invitation etc. 
Title: Re: I don't know how to feel about this
Post by: somom on February 20, 2012, 01:53:55 PM
Thank you everyone for your advice.  I do consider what he did verbal pollution.  Trust me, I will never speak about anything other than the weather with that man.  The way he went at me I actually feel like he could be related to Hitler.  Right now I do not really ever want to be around him. My thoughts keep going back to his face and his words.  They were so very ugly.  I'm having a hard time getting him out of my mind.  It is difficult, but your comments have soothed a wound.  Thank you so very much.
Title: Re: I don't know how to feel about this
Post by: luise.volta on February 20, 2012, 04:35:34 PM
This may not work for you but when something like that happens to me, I write how I feel and what my experience was...then I print it out, burn it and bury the ashes. I'm serious! My take is that what was going on with him had nothing at all to do with politics and everything to do with who he is. Sending love...
Title: Re: I don't know how to feel about this
Post by: Pen on February 20, 2012, 06:26:21 PM
Somom, I understand your feelings. This happened to me in my place of work in front of people who shouldn't have had to see it. I offered no political opinion, just told the angry person that I wasn't familiar with the issue s/he was discussing and couldn't agree or disagree. That was all it took to cause a full-on Rumpelstilskin fit. I was called insane & was accused of calling the other person a liar. It was frightening, humiliating, and shocking. When I reported my co-worker's behavior I was reprimanded and told to learn how to speak up for myself. Say whaa? I dread going to work each day as I'm not sure when this person will attack me again.

It's only going to get worse as the election approaches. At least in my case it's not a family member! I really feel for you. It's tough when your DH doesn't dare speak up in your defence. I know I don't respect my boss the way I used to.
Title: Re: I don't know how to feel about this
Post by: Pooh on February 21, 2012, 07:27:25 AM
I'm with Pam.  I know who I can discuss religion, politics, military, etc. with and everyone else is a no-no.  I also would decline invitations that included him unless you resolve something with your DH.

Did you talk to your DH about his behavior and how bad it made you feel for him to just sit there and offer no support?  And when I say support, my DH can disagree with my opinion and agree with someone else all day long, but if someone is being verbally abusive...he better step up and tell them they will not treat me that way or my conflict would now be with him. 
Title: Re: I don't know how to feel about this
Post by: lancaster lady on February 21, 2012, 07:48:27 AM
Hi Somom,

The fact that you held your tongue perhaps made him more angry .
Good for you .
If it were me , I wouldn't go out of my way to speak with him again .
Now that phrase ''Whatever'' springs to mind !

however I would give DH a piece of my mind .... ;D
Title: Re: I don't know how to feel about this
Post by: somom on February 21, 2012, 09:19:01 AM
Dear Wise Women,  I did talk with my husband about his not standing up for me and not stopping the verbal assault.  I told my husband I would always and have always stood behind my family members no matter who is hurting them, and he should have done the same for me.  He told me he just froze.  I suppose because of it being his older brother and putting him on a pedestal.  My husband did apologize 2 days later.  Somehow that seemed a little too late.  Only after I told him what he should have done.  His apology seemed a little hollow.   I do believe, luise, you are totally right in thinking it had everything to do with who my brother-in-law really is.  I have always thought in the back of my mind what lies underneath him is someone I really do not like.  And that I always suspected it.  I think my husband just never could see it.  I felt I defended myself and stood up and left.  I guess that is one good thing that came out of it.  I am able to defend myself even if no one else does.  I wish I could give you all a hug.  You have no idea how good your words make me feel. Thank You
Title: Re: I don't know how to feel about this
Post by: somom on February 21, 2012, 09:27:01 AM
LLady  Oh, I do think my reactions and my keeping calm did anger him more.  His facial expressions, louder voice, and eyes starting to bug out definitely showed it was just irritating the heck out of him.  I am not going to go out of my way to speak to him ever.  He showed his true colors!
Title: Re: I don't know how to feel about this
Post by: Pen on February 21, 2012, 09:43:30 AM
I wish I could avoid the angry political person at my workplace, but we share an office :(  This person has political & other opinionated stuff everywhere, on the monitor, on the desks, on the walls. I've never brought up any of this stuff, I ignore it the best I can, but when I'm verbally accosted it's impossible to get away (I'm not able to just walk out; must be at my post for the duration.)
Title: Re: I don't know how to feel about this
Post by: Pooh on February 21, 2012, 09:49:00 AM
Do you not have a hostile work environment policy?
Title: Re: I don't know how to feel about this
Post by: Nana on February 22, 2012, 03:48:14 AM
Dear Somon

My fil was a good man but liked to make me angry with comments or teasing me in things I did not like....my mother was a sugar pie nad loved me dearly.  When my fil made  a comment I did like, my husband would just smile as if we wer just joking.  I would answer back....and my husband would also just smile.  It was how he dealt with the issue. Probably he did not supported me but never did he questioned me or got angry at me for aswering back.  He let me be me lol.  So I felt I could defend myself.   At the end, before he passed away, I realized he really loved me when he held my hand for the last time.     I know your case is different because your bil was rude.     

In the case of your husband not standing u-p for you.....just try to think that men are different from us women.....they do not know how to deal with certain issues.  That is so true.
Love
Title: Re: I don't know how to feel about this
Post by: Pen on February 22, 2012, 07:14:37 PM
Pooh, I thought we had a hostile work environment policy when I reported this person's behavior. When it turned back around on me I realized I was on my own. What's ironic is that I was given a "needs improvement" on my evaluation for the first time ever and was told I needed to work on "self-advocacy." Then I was informed that the person I'd reported was going to be my mentor to help me learn how to speak up for myself. Yikes!
Title: Re: I don't know how to feel about this
Post by: luise.volta on February 22, 2012, 07:16:32 PM
Double yikes!  :o
Title: Re: I don't know how to feel about this
Post by: Pooh on February 23, 2012, 11:50:58 AM
I can help with this and be your mentor......take a frying pan.....apply with an even swinging motion to the back of the head.....SELF-ADVOCACY!  There....you're all trained.

That stinks.  Well, document everything.  Hostile workplace is a law and can be proven if need be.
Title: Re: I don't know how to feel about this
Post by: firelight on February 26, 2012, 06:21:45 AM
somom,

I think your DH may have felt caught in the middle.....on the other hand, he could have offered you 2 had to be somewhere when it started to get heated.

I have learned to be very careful about talking politics.  I used to get fired up about that stuff with others and enjoyed a good debate, but not anymore.  I can talk to certain people about it but I know what I think and can keep my opinions to myself especially when the conversation involves someone who loves to rant.....if we can't discuss our views without hositility, then I just don't.   I know that sometimes people's reaction take us off guard, which is why I'm really careful about who to discuss political topics in-depth with. 

He is still your BIL and will be around......so next time just avoid the political topic and act as if nothing ever happened and if he brings it up just say, "you know we can't talk politics (with a smile and a hug), we'll just have to agree to disagree on those subjects.......now who wants ice cream?"   ;)  then stick to it......you can still vote for the person who best represents your values and it is your right not to share whom you vote for if you choose that.

We're all human and have more in common than not, and I hope to focus more on that these days.   :)
Title: Re: I don't know how to feel about this
Post by: Beth 2011 on February 28, 2012, 05:07:22 PM
Somom,

It's called pick and choose your battles.  I had a FIL who was a bully to everyone all the time.  He constantly baited me where my DH and DC where concerned and I turned the other cheek not because I was weak but because my DH worked for him at the time along with my BIL's.  Well, the day came and my DH did not work for him any longer and when he started again.... I let him have it very calmly and with a smile.   You know what happened?  He was stunned and then he laughed and everyone else that had been holding their breath laughed too. I tell you one thing and that is we knew where one another was coming from, but I will also tell you I never turned my back on him again.