When a grandparent has a concern about a grandchild, why is it sometimes considered as being interfering?
Why is it not considered as a grandparent's advice, a persons opinion on how she would do things...even if it is unwanted advice.
You don't have to follow it .. listen to what you want to and throw away the rest.
I know what you mean Anna. A friend's advice is sometimes considered more seriously.
I'm just curious to know why?
There are some who can do that, RR. (Some.) Makes sense to me!
My Mother -- the Parenting Expert
http://motheru.com/the-buzz/my-mother-the-parenting-expert/
Quote from: RedRose on December 02, 2010, 06:27:19 PM
When a grandparent has a concern about a grandchild, why is it sometimes considered as being interfering?
Why is it not considered as a grandparent's advice, a persons opinion on how she would do things...even if it is unwanted advice.
You don't have to follow it .. listen to what you want to and throw away the rest.
There is advice and there are opinionated statements being carefully crafted as advice. Once it's been made clear that the advice is not welcomed or the manner in which is being offered is not appreciated, then advice becomes an unwanted nuisance and it's probably best to keep it to yourself.
A statement was made: A friend's advice is sometimes considered more seriously. I can see that as being true, in part because most times a friends advice is requested not freely given at every turn, day in and day out.
Quote from: Rose799 on December 02, 2010, 08:30:04 PM
My Mother -- the Parenting Expert
http://motheru.com/the-buzz/my-mother-the-parenting-expert/
What a sweet story, Rose799. Thanks for sharing.
I don't know what it would have been like to have had a mother's advice, or a MIL's advice for that matter, since both passed away too early. I really could have used their support and comfort.
From my point of view, if you have responsible, loving GPs or any other capable, kind family member to help with your kids, treat them like gold. Don't take them for granted. Putting up with a bit of annoyance is nothing compared to the stress of dealing with possibly unreliable, unmotivated, unloving strangers. It's hard to find a Mary Poppins.
Ah, yes...Mary Poppins. There she goooooooooooooes, up, up and away............
A lot of it is in the "eye of the beholder" to my way of thinking. If I said something to ODS, I would get, "I did not ask for your unsolicited advice"...and when I did the same thing (that to me was only conversing on the subject at hand)...YDS would say..."Thanks so much, Mom...I never would have thought of that and it really helps." Go figure.
That was a beautiful story Rose 799.
My sister-in-law, a good friend to me, once told me that after some conversations with her children she asks them....
"Are you just telling me this story for conversation or do you want my opinion?"
RedRose,
At least in my experience, when advice is not followed, the advice is continually repeated, and then repeated to others right in front of you; which is a little passive aggressive in my opinion.
For example, last week, we went on a trip to the ILs, and my DD was a little more than exhausted for her naps (there was a lot going on, and she's only 5 months). We're used her to screaming before her naps. She does it and then falls right asleep; and has done that since the day she was born. My MIL kept going on about teething and kept trying to "distract" DD with toys, which may get her quiet down for a few minutes but then it turns into even louder, longer crying because she's twice as overstimulated. This has repeatedly been the case on our visits with her. Since we weren't listening to her, she kept repeating herself about toys and distraction, and then started telling everyone else. Even though, we told her, several times, "NO." When we talk to her about this, she says she likes to help and give advice and doesn't understand why we get upset; we don't have to listen to it if we don't want and she is okay with that. If that is the case, why does the advice keep being repeated?
Quite simply, I don't have friends that do that. My friends either aren't as invested in the decisions I make or understand that I know my child best. They suggest it once and the move on. Much easier to take, I think, but I'm also in therapy to deal with people's actions and learning that the only think I can control is my own reaction. I need to learn to "tune out" maybe, but that is tough to do.
I think we have to careful about tuning out. We need to get it...(whatever "it" is) and then move through our reactions, thoughts and feelings...so we can focus elsewhere.
I feel that if you listened to her...just once...take her advice on 1 thing...maybe she will stop...I say maybe.
Is it worth stressing over?
My daughter just had a baby a little over 2 months ago. She has said to me how some things her MIL says to her about baby really get to her sometimes. She has listened to me...she thanks her for her advice and tells her maybe she will try that some day. She takes what she says with a grain of salt. She loves her MIL and knows she is only trying to help.
One time my DIL (ex) was having a hard time calming her baby...I knew she would not take advice from me...so .. I just went to her side and started to rub his cheek softly. He stopped crying...within seconds. She Thanked me and I would see her do that to her baby often.
Just my opinion
Hi Everyone, Once upon time when I was close to my DIL, Son and GC's I only gave advise when I was asked!!! I never interfered for once upon a time I had a nasty MIL and she would always say to me "No, you are doing it wrong--do it this way" and from years of hearing that I promised I would NEVER be a medeling MIL, and I kept that promise to myself within my heart.
My DIL would ask me for advise and I would suggest--gently to her, for she is an adult and has the right to choose her own ways--for that is how we learn. I also feel that how we lend advise is extremely important~~"Connect...Don't Correct..."
I did read sometime ago, in regards to DIL's asking friends vs. us GP's for advise, that DIL's do not want us to look down on them for not knowing what to do (even tho we wont do that) they dont know that for sure, so they go to their friends to hide their embarrassment from us.
Hugs to all...Faith
I think there's a big difference between a parent giving advice and a friend giving advice. There's a history of authority with a parent, or sometimes an expectation of respect for someone older. It's a habit to 'obey' your parents and if you don't make a good separation when you're a teenager, I think it can plague you into your adult-hood. It sometimes seems like instead of responding like an adult with "we'll take that into consideration", the response is a childish "you're not the boss of me!".
There's also the history of the relationship too. My Mom and I have worked out our relationship. I know where she's coming from and I will accept MUCH harsher words from her than I would accept from anyone else. Because I *KNOW* her, I've known her my whole life.
My MIL and I do not have a good relationship. And I think a big part of that is that I don't know how to take her. For example, you don't ever say "No" to my MIL, if you say "No" to her, she will rag on you and hound you until you say "Yes'. So DH has learned the "yeah, yeah, whatever" trick. Whatever MIL says, DH says (basically) "Yeah, yeah, whatever." and then does whatever he wants. And MIL has never called him on it. It seems to me like she doesn't care if you follow her advice, or do what she tells you, as long as you don't say "No" over it, even if you're polite about it. Well, that just seems dishonest to me, to agree with something and not do it. It took a LONG time (and, I'm sure, hurt feelings on both sides) for me to realize that MIL wants it that way.
There's also the WAY advice is communicated. For example, we didn't have a family picture of the IL's up in our house. We had our reasons. So one day, MIL said "DH, you don't have pictures of Mommy and Daddy in your house, it's like you're ASHAMED of us!" Really? Mommy & Daddy? (What about SIL?) Ashamed? So that statement made me angry enough that now it was a line in the sand that I was NOT crossing. But I was telling the story to my family and my Aunt said "Well you know Scoop, if there was a picture of my DIL's family and none of mine, it would hurt my feelings." Well, that made sense to me and at this point the family had changed enough that I talked to SIL about it and the next time we visited, we had a family picture taken that included the WHOLE family. And I have it displayed next to my family picture (which needs updating).
So yeah, because MIL and I don't speak "the same language" and because I'm not allowed to bow out gracefully, I have a hard time even listening to any advice from her.
I understand that GPs are more invested in the GCs than a friend would be and I wasn't trying to imply all MILs are alike. As Scoop said, people are my friends b/c I've cultivated a relationship with them. I probably wouldn't be friends with them if they were heavy on the advice; I don't like feeling pressure. In addition, friends have often had a long time to figure out each other's nuances/idiosyncracies. I don't really have that luxury with MIL. She was just there one day; as was I in her life. That, in itself, creates a certain amount of baggage. Perhaps if there was less pressure from the start, I wouldn't be in the position I'm in now 7 years later.
Also, in my experience, the advice goes much deeper than just with DD. It started when we moved, when we left the military, when we bought a house. It's just on a whole new level now. So, it's not the advice about DD that is necessarily the problem; it is the way it is handled when we are *clearly* doing something else contrary to her opinion. I've listened to her about law school, about having special notices put into our mortgage contract, and for other things over the years. She doesn't seem to notice when we do listen; only when we don't. I'm not particuarly sure what to do about that. I've also noticed that the advice is often contradictory (like when I applied to law school she was dead set against it suddenly, but she was the one that gave me the idea). I often wonder if the advice may on occasion be self-serving.
That's it, for me personally, this is why I take the advice of friends a little better than I do my MIL.
Yep, in our family we say..."She's being just like herself!" Sending love...
Hi All, Scoop brought up a important point on family pictures with a conversation she had with her Aunt.
I remember at DS's & DIL's home all the family pix's on the wall, this GP and that GP with GC's but none with me~~horrors I thought, what is going on--I felt hurt---I did not matter????? (which I kept quietly in my heart for sometime..) Well my DIL and I were close at this time and I asked her: Wow, their are none of me...She looked at me and smiled and said, "Mom, you dont like pictures of you..." Kudos--she is right...Well, I said, "I just have to get over that.." We both laughed and the camera began flashing.
I can also remember how nasty my MIL was to me so I simply did not have any pictures of her up on our wall of fame--everyone but her...So when she was coming( IL lived out of state) I would add a few of her and as soon as she left I took them down. I was wrong in doing that for no matter what, she was part of the family~~my Boys, her GC saw me doing this which NOT teaching my Boys anything good, nor was I showing Love towards their Grandmother~~no matter what it was wrong.......
So, I guess what I am saying here, is no matter how you feel about someone in your family~~still have a picture of them somewhere in your home for your children to see--for when they grow older they will form thier own opinions~~do not form them for them...wow that was a tongue twister--huh :P!!!!
And that is the end of that story...HUGS, Faith :)
P.S. Remember~~pictures say a million words...
Quote from: Anna on December 07, 2010, 03:52:38 AM
Wow, if only we all could learn to do that!!
"Practice makes perfect" -- that's why doctors still practice medicine. ::)
advice is most always given lovingly, however, when it comes from an older person to a younger person, it can mistakenly be taken as if that person is telling you, your wrong...which also says, your culture is wrong....we all have different ways of doing things, of speaking, of perceiving...and while advice is meant well, if it is not asked for, it can be extremely hurtful, especially when young and insecure.
Good to see you, Creme! :D Well, put.
I think that sometimes people are good advice takers and others are bad advice takers (they don't want it, no matter what!). On the other hand, some people are bad advice givers (the advice itself is bad or the way they present it is bad) and others are good advice givers (the advice is good or the way that it is present it is good).
I have heard Grandmas give some really great and wise advice, but I have also heard some tell Mothers to feed only formula (even if Mom wants to b-feed), tell them to give solids too soon, or even tell them that they must put baby to sleep on their belly. Although these are all bits of advice that were given with good intentions, the advice itself was bad and the new Moms should not feel obligated to follow this advice despite what her doctor and her instincts tell her. Some of these Grandmas won't take "no" for an answer and just keep giving the same advice over and over again. Or, they feel very offended if their advice is not taken and they then go to others to "tsk" the Mother.
On the other hand, I've seen advice from adult parents to adult children (on any topic) be ignored because the adult child simply didn't want or appreciate the advice (even if it is good advice). Luise had a good example of that--my mom says the same thing: that if she gives me advice I don't get angry (I may or may not take it), but my sister gets frustrated and angry at being given advice. This has to do with our general personalities, but also with our individual relationships with our Mother.
I think it is important not to generalize, and also to just try to be as patient as possible with our loved ones and understand that no two people will have the exact same reaction to any given situation.
One DS took every observation and comment I made as "unsolicited advice" and the other DS thought my input was valuable and always appreciated talking with me. (Still does.)
Quote from: luise.volta on December 13, 2010, 04:20:08 PM
One DS took every observation and comment I made as "unsolicited advice" and the other DS thought my input was valuable and always appreciated talking with me. (Still does.)
Hi L,
Yes, that is so true. My Mom says the exact same thing about sis and I. The funny thing is, I generally don't ask for advice--as I am usually pretty secure in my decisions. But, we will talk about things and Mom will chime in with advice sometimes, but other times she keeps mum. For example, when I was looking to switch careers a few years ago Mom didn't think it was a good idea because I was leaving a job with a very established company to take a job (and a pay cut as well) with a very small firm. She didn't think it was a good idea, but didn't say anything at the time. A few years later, the company has more than doubled in size and I am now in a very senior position because I jumped into the company at the right time. Mom told me recently that she was really glad that she had not said anything to me about it--she had seriously considered giving me some very heart felt advice not to switch jobs. She said,"At the time, I thought it was a really bad idea, but I didn't say anything because I hoped that you were doing the right thing and I wanted you to make this decision on your own. I'm glad I didn't say anything, because you really did do what was best for you." I really appreciated that she didn't feel the need to step in because she felt that I knew what was best and that I can't always depend on Mom. She said,"What would happen if I died tomorrow? I don't want you to feel paralyzed that you can't make decisions on your own if I'm not here. Now I know that when I am gone, you will be ok and that makes me happy."
Another story for you: A very very long time ago a distant cousin of mine (as a teen) came to my Grandfather and asked him if he would help her to marry the "love of her life"--a much older man. The girl's parents had said there was no way she was getting married and they would not under any circumstances throw her a wedding. GF told the cousin that she should listen to her parents. She cried and begged and pleaded and drove everyone nuts for months on end. So, eventually GF got out a piece of paper and wrote up a contract with her. The contract said that she alone had made the decision to get married and she wanted this more than anything and that her parents and GF had advised her against it. She happily signed the contract. So, GF threw her the wedding. Years later (yes, you guessed it) the cousin came back and said--why the heck did YOU tell me to marry that old man? GF went to his desk and got out the contract and asked her to read it out loud. Even with the contract--she still didn't accept that her parents and GF had tried to advise her to not marry the guy, and was convinced that her marriage was everyone else's fault. ::)
Denial, selective memory and rationalization often rule. :(
I wanted to write something on this, but then realized I would be giving advice! ;D
Good one Pooh
Quote from: RedRose on December 02, 2010, 06:27:19 PM
When a grandparent has a concern about a grandchild, why is it sometimes considered as being interfering?
Why is it not considered as a grandparent's advice, a persons opinion on how she would do things...even if it is unwanted advice.
You don't have to follow it .. listen to what you want to and throw away the rest.
I cannot answer as a grandparent - even tho I have two gc - I have only "met" one once about 15 years ago. But to me, it seems anything from the mil is interfering butting in. Anything from her mother is loving advice. ;)
Beautiful, A.! ;D
Oh wow, Anna...that made me laugh. Poetry in motion it seems... :)
Anna
I really didnt mind a lot when my mil tried to cover or uncover my children. She would tell me about my daughter not eating enough and being so thin. She bought instant breakfast (shakes) and I was grateful...how much could it hurt? Things are different now...so eventhough I have a good relationship with dil....but I always ask her if I can give something to my gc. Dont want problems anymore. She is now more relaxed in this aspect. Now that she is having her third baby she already asked me to take my 4-year old gs to school after her baby is born, so that her mother stay with the other two.
I am dying to meet my new granddaughter.....I want her here nowwwwww. Guess I have to wait until mid January.
My best wishes for your and your family. Hold on Anna....we are here for you.
Love
Yes Anna at least you knew your mil would not stay long to feed your son so you were prudent about not telling her anything. What was done was done. I am imaginaning your face when you saw your son with his chubby cheeks lol. My dil would have killed me if I had fed cakes to her childen. She doesnt even given them cake often. When they go to a party and she permits them to have a peace of cake, she removes the frosting from it lol. Sometimes they cry because they want the frosting also yum yum.
My gs (4) asks me for a piece of chocolate and tells me he will not tell momy. It is so hard on me sometimes, because I want to make them happy but must respect rules. Once in a while I do break the rules but tell dil....and she takes it well.
Well Anna, I hope for the prompt recovery of your dad. You and all the ladies here have been my family this year and I thank you for sharing and being such a wonderful kind person.
May God Bless You
Merry Christmas