My parents sometimes tak DD over night. And I get they want to spoil her and going to bed at her usual time is not going to happen. But they keep her up so late and it wouldn't bother me if it didn't cause me problems the next night. It's a pattern every time she goes over its hell the next night or two. She is so over tired she fights going to sleep. Starts throwing a fit and rips off her pjs if I get them on. It's not this hard normally. Even my dh notices and when I talk to my parents about it they brush it off. My mom sleeps in the spare room with her and let's her fall asleep to the tv. She won't do a normal bed routine with her. No story and then lights out. DD doesn't fall asleep easy when the tv is on either she fights staying awake. Thanks for letting me vent.
I agree that your Ps should try to follow a schedule closer to what you do at home. How old is DD? Does she spend the night often? I look back on my years of raising children and a family member allowing them to stay up late and get off schedule, although irritating didn't matter in the overall scheme of things. Ten years from now you won't give it another thought.
DivaGirl - maybe it's time to end the sleepovers until DD is older. Seriously, if your Mom wants DD to sleep over, she can follow your guidelines. If it's more important for her to be allowed to do whatever she wants to do, then she can wait for DD to be older for sleepovers.
The thing is, if your DD's bedtime is 8 pm and your Mom stretched it to 8:45 pm, I don't think this would be an issue, am I right? So it's not about 'indulging' the GK. It's about being given an inch and taking a mile.
And really, in this case, you're being the troublesome spouse who won't 'deal' with your P's.
My take is that she is your DD. She doesn't become their DD when she goes over there. You are her mother and you get to set boundaries and maintain them. Her well being is your job...and you get to make the rules.
My guess is that your mom would be more motivated to abide by your wishes if you cut waaayy back on the overnights & explained to her that it was too hard on both DD & yourself to have late nights more than once every couple of months or so (or whatever your limits are.) Could you handle it once in awhile or are you tempted to stop it completely? I'm a big advocate of compromising whenever possible, but that's just me...I know not everyone can operate that way.
She goes once a month, some times twice or sometime not at all. It won't matter in 10 years no but I am not worried abou 10 years down the road. I am worried about now. Her norm bed time is 7:30. I don't mind a later bed time. It's watching tv until she is so tired she can't stay awake that bothers me. I think I might have to stop them for now until my mother gets it. I get grandparents want to indulge their grand kids but If it's effecting their home life it's gone to far. DD is 4 by the way.
Diva girl, If you have that much trouble getting your daughter to go to bed perhaps your DM is having the same difficulty and is doing the best she can. If DD won't go to sleep your DM can't make her go to sleep anymore than she can make you go to sleep. Sounds like she is doing what works for her. Maybe less frequent overnight stays is the way to go for now until DD learns that bedtime means time to go to sleep. You want GM visits to be pleasant for DD and GM alike. It sounds like it's a challenge for both.
Here's another perspective. For years we cared for our grandchildren - often several times a week. We found that our granddaughter could not settle down at our home and had great difficulty going to sleep (this was not so with her younger brother). But, this was true in her parents' home as well as her grandparents' home (in fact, it was calmer in our home). I'm not saying this is the issue in your home; just that your granddaughter might not be able to settle down and go to sleep on her own. The "red flag" here was your statement "My mom sleeps in the spare room with her and let's her fall asleep to the tv." Our granddaughter also needed someone to sleep with her and we often let her fall asleep in front of the TV (because that was the only way we could get her to settle down).
Now, with us, we had a DIL who neglected her child and the child was very anxious. We felt "forced" to care for our grandchildren. This appears not to be the issue is your case, but I do wonder if your daughter is "anxious" about sleeping over and thus unable to fall asleep (I suspect she wants to sleep at Grandma's). Sometimes, short visits are preferable to "sleepovers" - and this is both for the grandchildren as well as the grandparents. I find any time past four hours caring for grandchildren (and as I get older it is getting closer to two hours) just overly exhausting. I did not grasp how difficult it was for older people to care for grandchildren until I became a grandmother. I suspect your mother is doing the best she can. Just another perspective ....
She doesn't have a problem going to sleep here at all. We do our routine and she goes to bed . These tantrums only happen the night after she spends the night. I don't mind her laying with her if the tv is off. My problem is she lays with her in bed watching cartoon. Now some kids dose off really easily to tv if she did it wouldn't be a big deal. But my daughter will fight sleep which means sometimes she isn't asleep over their until 10 or 11. Then I should add my parents wake up early so she wakes up early. So by that night she is so over tired she is throwing a fit. Its a pattern that for me has to stop.
QuoteShe doesn't have a problem going to sleep here at all.
There's your answer - your daughter appears to require your routine and probably you, as well. Actually, I feel most children do not do well with "sleepovers" until close to their teen years (but that is just my opinion). Maybe Grandma will have to give up on sleepovers for the next few years (excluding emergencies, of course). All the best ...
DivaGirl....I would suggest that you explain to your DM the behaviors that you are dealing with the next day and ask her to please not allow DD to have TV on at bedtime or you will have to suspend sleepovers until DD is a little older. Perhaps daytime visits are a better choice right now. Take a couple months off then try again. Your DD will eventually grow out of it.
I agree with the idea of halting the sleepovers for a while till everyone is on board with your wishes. It sounds like it's a struggle for all concerned at this point and might be better put aside till she gets older.
Maybe for a while the time spent with the GP could be light, playful times where it's ok not to enforce rules. Maybe they just don't enjoy that role.
I think that (if at all possible) a childs bedtime routine should be the same, and that includes sleepovers at the GPs house. Some kids really thrive on bedtime routines, like mine. And when that routine gets all out of whack, whoa Nellie watch out cause its not fun for anyone.
Until your parents can respect and follow your DDs bedtime routine/rules, no more sleepovers. Perhaps you can switch it to short afternoon playdates instead: walk in the park, playground or picnic?
Even if they follow the rules...you aren't there. I agree that your answer is that home is where her comfort lies when it gets to be bedtime. No more sleepovers. They don't work for her...(or anyone else.) Sending love...
I think you've got a very legitimate gripe. You've given your parents ample opportunity to get things in line and they refuse. The only solution is to canx overnights. A close gp-gc relationship is not dependent on overnight visits. Are overnight visits worth ruining your relationship with your parents? Or ruin your relationship with your husband? Frustration over any situation can easily boil over into other areas. Good luck.
Last night I was at a sporting event. Sitting in the row in front of me just happened to be two dads each with their toddler DDs who appeared to be about four years old. When the cotton candy vendor came around the inevitable happened and each little girl was soon happily munching away. As a long-time anti-sugar advocate I thought to myself, "There are two moms who are going to be upset if these girls are bouncing off the walls later." But as I observed how great the dads were with their daughters, how happy the girls were and how much fun they were having with their dads, I had a change of heart.
My dad never took me on any special father-daughter outings or ever bought me anything I wanted. He constantly ribbed me about my weight (in those days girls & women were supposed to be super skinny) and my looks. I grew up feeling as if I was nothing but a big bother to him.
These girls will grow up with memories of sweet (no pun intended) father-daughter times. I doubt either of these dads buys cotton candy frequently - both looked fit, obviously interested in sports, and both girls were slim. A treat once in awhile will not sideline their health (I can't believe I'm saying this!)
IMO, bending the rules all the time can be detrimental, but once in awhile a treat can build a memory. It's the great memories of times spent with people who love you unconditionally that builds a firm foundation and self-compassion for a happier, more successful adulthood.
IOW, can there be a little wiggle room or is this bedtime routine thing absolutely non-negotiable?
I don't know Pen. This doesn't sound like a treat or an indulgence.
If normal bedtime is 7:30 pm and the little chiquita is not falling asleep until 10 pm or later, that's just too much.
Even then, if this was a family wedding or other celebration, that only happened every once in a while, I could see it being okay. But this is monthly, and they're just watching TV.
I can see where 'staying up late', watching TV in bed cuddled to GMA can be a good, fun memory. But it doesn't have to go on until 10 pm.
I don't disagree with you Pen. I agree completely that children should be indulged by their GP's. But I think the analogy to this situation would be the Dads feeding the kids junk food until they puked and were sick the whole next day, and doing it repeatedly, month after month, even after being told not to.
Pen I get what your saying. I think a little spoiling is fine. Let's take the dads who gave their daughter cotton candy and when they were done let them have another and another one. That's what I feel my mother is doing. DD goes to bed at 7:30 here I am asking her to be put to bed by 8:30-9:00 at the latest. I think a little late is fine, staying up until 10 or 11 not ok.
Spoke with my mother and it went as bad as I expected it. She thinks that DD should be able to stay up until she wants to go to sleep. And putting her to bed with a story and no tv is well not how she wants to do it. So I told her no more sleep overs and she got all offended. I tried being nice but she just doesn't want to listen.
After I claimed dd Saturday night I explained to her that if she was going to throw a fit and fight going to sleep she wouldn't be spending the night. She also heard me talking to dh about tv during bed time. When I went grocery shopping I got a phone call form my mom ranting about dd. and I better take care of it. Well dd wanted to call my mom but she wouldn't tell him why. He let her call and that was a bad idea. She told my mom "My mom won't let me spend the night. You put me to bed to late. I shouldn't watch tv at bed time it's not good for me.". Face palm. Then dh calls in and I told him to talk to her about this. And asked him why he thought it was a good idea to let her call when she wouldn't tell him why
DivaGirl - I do not see a problem with what your DD said to your Mom. It was honest and neither hurtful nor hateful. I liked that she understood that it wasn't good for her health and that it was Gma's fault.
I don't understand why your Mom would call you 'ranting' about DD. What could she say? "Your DD told me that she shouldn't watch TV at bedtime and it wasn't good for her and that I put her to bed too late!" Then your answer is "Yes. That's all true. I'm glad she understands. These are all the things I've already told you. What are you so mad about?"
Your Mom doesn't have a leg to stand on here. And really, YOU should be FURIOUS with her. How DARE she jeopardize her relationship with your DD over something as ridiculous as 'a reasonable bedtime'? Is her PRIDE worth more than her sleepovers with her GD?
Because here's how the scene could have gone down (in Normal Land):
M lets DD stay up late, she's a beast the next day. You tell M that DD needs to go to bed earlier, without the TV on, NO LATER than 9 pm. Whether she sees the truth in this or not, your M RESPECTS this. In the future, she puts DD to bed at a reasonable time. No further arguments come up regarding bedtime. Sleepovers continue until DD doesn't think it's cool anymore.
Your Mom is cutting her nose off to spite her face.
I am in no way mad at DD I was slightly proud that being said her calling up to lecture her nana not ok. We had a thing with carseats we got into heavily (my mom and i) and I told dd she better be in her harness. Every time she gets in the car now she tells me she was harnessed. If my mother tried to use a normal seatbelt she would tell her that's not safe. In the future if my mom has her again she will tell my mom what she needs to be doing and that's ok. But calling up to yell at an lecture an adult not ok.
As far my mom I just laughed which pissed her off. I am on an iPad typing one handed makes it annoying to type everything. I was in no way taking her side nor telling her dd was wrong. I wasn't getting into a fight with someone in a grocery store.
Its finished no sleep overs. Andy parents have a dog I watch sometimes. The dog has a laundry
less of nonvet need meds they give him. They expect me to do everything they want with him. I told her the next time I take him bring food and the dog and nothing more. If she can't follow one rule about her human grandchild then I can't follow her rules for her dog.
List not less
DGDIL-
You mom hasn't a clue about how lucky she is to have access to your daughter,that you have her in your life and consider her feelings. You are doing the right thing. Pat yourself on the shoulder, ok?
Your mom is going to have learn that this area is sacrosanct - she has no power in your child raising except when you want her there.
I know this is an older post, but hope it's okay if I add my two cents! I agree with the statements that YOU are this childs mother, and too many "demands or rules" would bother me as a grandmother, but I do not think what you are asking is too much! I agree with you! If the child could stay up alittle later, fine. But 3 or more hours, not so much. If she fights sleep due to tv being on, then it should be turned off. If it is making things so difficult for you and dh after she returns home...that is a valid concern! I always ask permission to change a routine, or buy a gift, or what ever. I am grandma...not mom and dad. I am not trying to parent, not my job!!!! But I always respect what my grandchilds parents choices are (unless like in some of my situations where there is a drug or abuse problem!). I do not interfere or offer advice unless asked either. Apparently my behavior has helped me have a good relationship with most all of grandkids parents...the exception would be my DS's wife :-[ There is no winning with certain people. I would stick to my guns and say no to over nights unless there were perhaps boundaries set? Blessings to you. J
Hi DivaGirlDIL, I read your posts and agree with everyone else, you are absolutely right to stop sleepovers until your DM promises to abide by your rules. Watching cartoons is far too stimulating for a child at bedtime. No wonder your DD can't get to sleep.
Another thing occurred to me, the sleepovers are once a month or less. Each time your DD goes to see your DM she will find it like a new experience. Children forget so quickly.
I think it was great that she told your DM exactly how you felt. Good for her.
Just wondering if there have been any developments since your last post?
Love Faith :)
As a Grandma, I agree too. I think there is a difference in "spoiling a little" and some hard-fast rules that need to be abided by. I watch my GS for DIL now so she can shower, bathe, run to the store and twice now for a few hours. As Grandma, I would love to just sit and hold him for hours and rock him as he sleeps, but I know she has been laying him down when he sleeps so he doesn't get used to having to be held to sleep. She's not asked me to, I just pay attention to how she does things. So when he went to sleep, I laid him down to continue his routine to make sure she didn't have issues with him.
I think Grandma's have to take into consideration what is best for the child and parent, as far as routine, while also getting a little leeway to spoil a little with things that don't upset routines too badly.
So right before New Years I decided to give her another chance. Well I thought we had worked it out. She was supposed to take her for the night because I had some friends coming over. At last minute my friends had to cancel due to illness. When I told her my husband and I was still going to do a night out she tells me that she will be keeping DD out late. Because she made plans with friends for dinner. She wouldnt tell me who the friend was and didn't get why I was upset. I hung up on her. The next day she kept calling but I ignored the phone calls. We ended up taking DD to see monsters Inc. and shopping for winter boots. She also told me she didn't want to waste her Friday night sitting at home with her grandaughter. Shakes my head I give up. My Disney story is even better maybe I should start that thread. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh
Wow! Ok, my first thought as I was reading your post was, ok, so she told you beforehand she would be keeping DD out late and I found that to be maybe her trying to be considerate and letting you know ahead of time.....BUT....then I kept reading. With the statement of "didn't want to waste her Friday night sitting at home with her GD"....yeah I change my mind! That is just disrespectful and selfish...hmmmpppfff.
If I agreed to watch GS, I would turn down offers from friends if it was going to be too late, too cold, too whatever for GS. I would never find that as a waste of my time. If DIL asked me to watch GS and I already had plans for dinner or such, I could see me telling her that I didn't mind watching him, but he would have to go with us and it probably would upset a routine. It would be her choice then.
I don't feel like that's what's happening in your situation. It sounds like she just doesn't respect your boundaries. Sorry Diva. It was big of you to give her another chance.
Wow...it hasn't been that long (yes it has) since I had to deal with childcare issues. I still remember how stressful it was under the best of circumstances. I agree with Pooh - you did the right thing, your DM blew it.
DivaGirlDIL, You gave the woman another chance and she abused your trust. That would definitely mean an end to sleepovers for me. I am not sure I would even agree to unsupervised visits. How is it possible to trust such an irresponsible person who disregards your feelings.
You have every right to be annoyed and to take whatever action you feel appropriate.
Love Faith xxx
Talking with my sister about its like she doesn't get it. If she had plans and offered to take her. Yes she has a right to say we will be out late. But she didn't have plans when I asked. And that's fine not just wanting to sit home. She was getting her around 3 take her somewhere. Monster ink was out I told her take her to see it. I didn't care if I missed one movie experience I already have seen it. But no can't do that. And to want to keep out late after above is a huge slap in the face.
Seems to me she wants to do as she pleases whatever you say. Keeping your DD out late because she doesn't want to stay home with her isn't nice.
I hope the dust settles and you have time to consider what to do if she asks to have DD visit again.