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My MIL is CONSTANTLY making comparisons between the grandchildren. No other grandchild can be complimented without her retorting with a comment about her daughters children (I call her GSIL for golden sisterinlaw).  Truthfully, MIL doesn't even ASK about our DD (literally have had entire conversations without her even mentioning our DD) just talks about the accomplishments of GSILs kids, who are smart & talented kids). Step SILs kids are occasionally mentioned & StepBILs kids are criticized (along with their parents).

MIL intends to visit us when 2nd baby is born, she has been playing nice the past week (baby is coming in 2 weeks!) For example, she asked when our DD (age 5) was going to have her dance recital & what dances they were doing. I answered. She replied as to what GSIL's DD (14) was doing & for her dance recital.  I know this reads as if MIL is just making conversation.  However, it is EVERY time a gc is spoken of (outside of GSILs kids).  Everything comes back to GSILs kids, who are nice & well accomplished but we never speak to them, even though we send the occasional email & all appropriate gifts. MY DH has not in the 9 yrs I've known him had any close relationship with his sister, infact he seems to dislike her.  My MIL is very involved in GSILs children's lives and is a wonderful grandparent to them. The rest apparently are second rate.

MY question is this - what is the proper thing for me to do when MIL replies to a statement/compliment/accomplishment about our DD (or other GC) with a statement about GSILs kids? Is she aware she is doing it? I don't think my pointing it out will change what she does. Regardless if it is about OUR dd, it diminishes the others accomplishments.  I am NOT exaggerating to say that MIL does this EVERY time.  Additionally, our older child will be 5 1/2 and I feel uncomfortable with MILs ability to control her "Your cousin conversation" with our DD.   

Does anyone have some rehearsed line that would be appropriate so that she stopped doing it or other way to look at it?  I have tried ignoring it.  Repeatedly complimenting the "other gc" although this backfired since MIL always gets the last word in and will just continue on and on  and on. . 

Any advise is appreciated.

How about if every time you said, "I'm sorry.  I must have misunderstood.  I thought we were talking about DD?"  (or new baby).  Maybe after doing that a few times she would get the hint?

Sorry, that's the best I could come up with, having not been in this situation.

I also want to say congratulations and I wish you the best of luck.  2 weeks!  Yay yay yay!

Geesh,  That would kinda get under my skin.  I think I would just flat out tell her about it. 

Part of this might be because she knows you are not in regular touch with the others, and thinks she is sharing news.  I know what you mean about it sounding like a regular female type conversation.  The I say this, then you say your version of the same topic, to relate.  But when it happens all the time, it becomes like the other person doesn't want to share their thoughts on what you just said, or learn more, just to tell their own story on the topic.

Would you be okay being honest with her?  When she does it, to say something like  "I feel like you may be making a comparison between grandchildren."   Or observe "The children are all so different from each other, I don't know if making comparisons is fair."  If you do this consistently, she may begin to catch herself.  As you said, this will become important for her to think about before talking to your DD5.

StillTrying,

I just got done an adoption workshop on comparisons between biological children and adopted children. Many GPs very innocently make these comparisons often, but they need to be dealt with nicely b/c children overhear them.

If she is just making conversation about the other cousins ("Other GD just did that too!") it's probably not a big deal. My MIL talks so much about her other grandchild when we're around and it is because we never see BIL or his son (different continents and airfare is outrageous). I would just put up with that, I think it is conversation. If it goes on too long, Pooh's response would probably work well!

Once she starts one-upping the accomplishments of one child versus another, it warrants stepping in because children overhear it (just as you said) and it shapes their thoughts about themselves. For example, if you're saying what good grades DD got...and MIL says, "Other GD is smart...she did XYZ," all you need to say is "DD is very smart." Your child will hear it out of your mouth as a factual statement. If MIL does something awful with that statement and says "not as smart as other GD..." you need to step it up and say "she's as smart in my book, and comparisons aren't necessary."

If your child does overhear this, have a conversation with her about it. Let her know that people outside yoru family say things that might not be true, and you'll handle them as a family together.

Good luck with the new baby! Very excited for you!

I like Pooh's response!  It could also be phrased as a question "Would you prefer to talk about GD14 now, instead of DD5?"

I doubt MIL is conscious she does this, or at least is probably unaware of how it sounds to the other person.  Gently sharing your observation of what she just did with her, every time (since it happens all the time) is a way of bringing attention to it without being defensive or controlling.

Quote from: Sassy on May 13, 2011, 07:04:49 AMWhen she does it, to say something like  "I feel like you may be making a comparison between grandchildren."   Or observe "The children are all so different from each other, I don't know if making comparisons is fair."  If you do this consistently, she may begin to catch herself.  As you said, this will become important for her to think about before talking to your DD5.

Yes I totally agree with Sassy.  She may not be aware she is doing it, perhaps she is soo involved with GSIL's children that she doesn't have much else to talk about.  Hopefully is she is reminded that each child is an individual and all have good points and it certsinly isn't a competition, she'll stop or at least cut down.

Quote from: Sassy on May 13, 2011, 07:04:49 AM
The I say this, then you say your version of the same topic, to relate.  But when it happens all the time, it becomes like the other person doesn't want to share their thoughts on what you just said, or learn more, just to tell their own story on the topic.

I agree that this is probably the case, and it's most likely not deliberate.  Your MIl may be taken back a little if you do bring this to the forefront but unless you do your resentment will grown and yes this may spill over to the way grandma directly communicates with her other grandchildren.

My own in-laws have done this when speaking with our children and I really think that they did so because they struggled to show the kids that they could relate to what they were doing.  With us it was my dd playing ball and her cousin showing horses, not that one was ever better.  This in their eyes kept the distant family a part of the everyday life of the younger cousins.  In our case all this was based on love not a need to compete... I'm glad I could see the difference or there could have been so much more stress.

I think it depends on the way the comparison is made.

For example, if it's drawing a link between the 2 GK's (like the dancing), I don't see it as a big problem.  You can say "So that means we have 2 excellent dancers in our family!"

If it's more of a way of pointing out that cousin does "more", then you can point out that DD is 9 years younger and she's doing great in her age group.

If it's a pointed dig at DD "Well, at least Cousin eats all of HER vegetables!" and "Cousin is so much calmer than DD."  Then you can go into full on defensive mode.   "MIL, are you TRYING to make DD feel less worthy, because she doesn't eat as many vegetables as Cousin?  You know, there's no Nobel Prize in Vegetable Eating right? In 20 years, it won't matter who ate their vegetables, but hurtful words from your own Grandmother, can live with you a long time."

Then you can pull out this one:

"We're not talking about the INTENT of your words.  We're talking about the RESULT of your words.  When you constantly praise Cousin, and offer NO PRAISE to DD, it hurts her feelings.  I'm sure you do not INTEND to hurt her feelings, but you are.  So please try and change your words in the future, or else, now that you know the RESULT of them, we're going to have to assume that you INTEND to hurt DD."

Quote from: Scoop on May 13, 2011, 07:42:56 AM

"We're not talking about the INTENT of your words.  We're talking about the RESULT of your words.  When you constantly praise Cousin, and offer NO PRAISE to DD, it hurts her feelings.  I'm sure you do not INTEND to hurt her feelings, but you are.  So please try and change your words in the future, or else, now that you know the RESULT of them, we're going to have to assume that you INTEND to hurt DD."

I agree in part Scoop... if your intent is to use words and phrases in order to crush the grandparent, then yes I think this would be a resonable course of action. I'm not sure what the OP's final destination is at this point maybe she'll come back.

Our kids need to know we'll be their champions, so I agree that calmly repeating praise for them when MIL brings up the other fabulous GC is a good idea. If we get agitated about it we look defensive and our kids will pick up on it.

I don't know why people compare or favor one GC against another. It doesn't matter if it's due to being oblivious of their feelings or being purposely cruel, it hurts all the same. My DF & SM constantly interrupt with praise for SM's adult children & adolescent GC. Between my own children they've favored DS. It's been awkward for DDD, but I am proud that my disabled kid has more class than her Ivy League-educated GPs.

Thank you SO much for all the replies!  It really made me feel as if I have a way to combat it.

I have not told MIL in the past about it as I didn't want to offend her.  Instead I have become resentful and all comments seem to be suspect (not fair, I know).  I do think there could be something about MIL trying to keep people "informed" about the family but also think it strange that only 1 sister & her family get constant praise while the 2 stepsibs & their kids ALWAYs are criticised or disparaged.  Before we had a child, the situation was obvious to me - to the point where when MIL did this to nieces/nephews I would reiterate my compliment but it was almost as if MIL could let someone other than GSILs kids get the spotlight (not even when none of them are present!). 

MIL will also only play with things she gave DD & point out that She gave it to her. She will talk ONLY about GSILs kids & she pics saying who they are and what they are doing. This may sound like she's trying to keep the cousins close but its almost creepy.  Additionally, we don't talk or see these people but once a year.  GSIL lives 5 mins from MIL who goes to all her kids events, watches her kids etc. I do NOT believe that MIL is educating these kids about OUR dd, her likes, abilities & interests.  MIL doesn't even make an effort to HAVE a relationship with our DD - I think they have spoken twice THIS YEAR by phone.  Our DD is a TALKER & my DH or DM will have to make excuses to get her off the phone.  DD will say that MIL talks about strange things but I think its just because she doesn't know her.  Two-way street though, right?  Shouldn't MIL put in some effort?  All xmas/bday gifts are things that GSILs DD now 14 liked when SHE was 5 - even if they ask what our DD likes & I tell them they STILL get DCousins likes. 

Pooh/ Holly/sassy/scoop/Laurie hit the nail on the head when calling her out - I am just afraid that since there IS built up resentment about this, and I will have just had a baby (they'll be here when she's 2 wks old), our family will obviously be adjusting that I perhaps may not handle things correctly.

Thank you on your insight and I will have to remember to call it GENTLY as it happens versus unloading 5 yrs worth of annoyance on her. 

Wish me luck - I am going to need it :)

I think you'll be fine. If she is disparaging of other relatives' children, just do the same thing. I'm sure we've all been there at some point...kids don't really benefit when comparisons are made...even if they come out on top in the comparison.

You might want to rethink having her there for two weeks after the baby is born.  Who knows what she will say to DD.

Simple!! Dont mention their accomplishments at all
Wait for her to brag about other grandchildren then come up with something better about your own kids

I would call her TODAY and see about shoring up the time line of upcoming visit..while on the phone I would simply say that this has been bothering  you, and that you would like to discuss it before their visit, and proceed to state your case.  Once she arrives she will know that it's now on the front burner and if she chooses to carry on as if she is still oblivious then you are well within your rights to bring it up.  Hoping that it just stops on it's own is not going to happen.. I believe this is a very bad habit that she has formed and been enabled to continue.   If it really bothers you, only you can voice that feeling.

St:
...If your baby is due in two weeks why put yourself under stress about this . On the other hand ,
if she starts to compare other GC when visiting her new GC she surely is a silly woman !
All the attention should be on the new baby  , and if she does start her comparisons , I think you have
every right to put her in her place .
I wonder why she does this ?
Sometimes I wish we could direct the people who are giving us grief to this forum .....then they would know how to treat
people , especially family ...but then they would find out what we really think ....if only !!   ;D

LL.. they would know what we are thinking if we tell them.   I can remember well, how excited I was when each of my kids were about to be born.. and how nervous  I was each time..... if I had to deal with this type of additional unnecessary stress on top of it I would have viewed the situation as being very unfair to me and my immediate family.  It can't hurt to be upfront... but if the mil is left to guess at what is upsetting her dil the situation may never  improve.. it's not fair to form and hold that resentment if you are not willing to speak directly about what is causing it to begin with...   That  is why I believe now.... before the baby comes this  can be nipped...   I'm sure mil will realize if she had not already how her possible innocent intentions are being viewed.. and I am giving her the benefit of the doubt ... if she does not attempt to use great  restraint once at your home, then the views could shift.... I hope for everyone's  sake that she is not aware of how this is sounding to others in the family.

Hope if ST does mention it before the baby's born ,that MIL doesn't take the huff and go of on one .....that's what I would be afraid of .I'm all for communication and talking , but at this delicate time ??
you know what we MIL's are like !

I like to think that most mother-in-laws are pretty normal people...who like other normal people do not always realize that they may have done something that someone might have viewed as insensitive.   One good thing, if her mil does become angry, then she may opt not to come immediately after the baby is born... either way the resentment is growing and that is something that only the OP can do anything about.

I think it probably depends on how reasonable you feel your MIL would be during/after the talk.  If you feel it would come better from you or DH or both.  Depending on how long she's been doing it will probably predict how well she will take it, imo.  If it's gone on for a really long time it seems like it's human nature to automatically reject the idea that they've done something wrong and needs to be fixed.

In that case, I would continue reinforcing to my kids that they are special and perhaps talk to them when they are a bit older to say some people are insecure and that's why they feel the need to say hurtful things.

I don't know if this is an issue of op's mil being insecure... lacking in conversation maybe, unfair comparisons definitely.  Would it possibly make more sense to have this chapter behind you instead of allowing it to continue until your child is older.. by allowing more time to elapse not only would the OP's anger and resentment continue festering but the child may not be able disengage from what she has been hearing and exposed to for possibly a long time.  Children are intuitive and will pick up on the tension and quite possibly follow their parents choices and views.

To each their own, but I've never tried to overly generalize peoples actions and reactions with my kids.  Sometimes I'm sure problems could be based on insecurities, but also anger, hatred, jealousy, fear, love, ..I guess the list is endless.

I'm all for approaching mil with the attitude that she will understand the concerns.. if she then proves to be unwilling to understand why this is an issue, then you can make some negative assumptions about why she is now knowingly choosing this path.  I just feel that for the sake of the family hoping first that the problems can be worked out without it coming to blows might make for better end results. 

Laurie - I can appreciate what you have said.  That if I were brought up the conversation it could be dealt with.  With my own MIL, I have some doubts about this. 
My hesitation is based on:
1. my other SIL tried this and she, her kids, and family is REGULARLY the topic of Mil's venom to anyone that will listen. 
2. DH thinks by NOT saying anything he is being respectful, thus if I do I am not.
3. It would not be my choice to have MIL visit at this time.  However, MIL wants to meet the new grandchild (although she has made spoken to our DD a total of 3 times this year).  DH called MIL to tell her when our baby was going to be born & she had to go as GSIL's kids (ages 9 & 14) were over- they are over EVERY day, all the time.  Nothing like watching your DH attempting to share his life altering news with someone who acts as if they could give a darn!  So DH told her she need to speak with her DH about IF they are going to come since it would involve missing one of GSIL's kids bdays, another bday, and Fathers Day (only b/c they insist on driving vs flying and making their trip "worth their $" by staying a REALLY long time).

If it were my choice I would NOT have them visit at all at this time because I can already hear the "your cousins...." "when GSIL's 3rd son was born xyz" and the multiple calls to/from GSIL and her kids.  Or the "gossip" about our DD being a picky eater, doesn't like to play upstairs alone, has a tantrum because of the new baby... I don't need someone criticizing and not helping while adjusting to our new family and recovering.  Does this mean the problem lies with ME?  That I am the insecure one?  I guess I just don't want negative gossip about my family spread to DHs FOO (although we rarely do anything more than exchange Xmas cards with these people).However, MIL wants to come to see her new grandchild so who am I to stop this? 

MIL talks only of GSIL's family, watches her kids more than anyone elses, is an active participant in their lives.  When we visited after not seeing ILs for 2 yrs GSIL's kids spent the night including the 1st night that we were there.  Am I jealous? No, because frankly, I don't want my kids to hear some of the negative things and negative attitudes MIL has.  However, to watch as my DH and DD are passed over and made insignificant because of Mil's attitudes hurts them AND me.  It is OK with us that they are #1 - but could we have just an ounce for OUR family? MIL does this to all DHs sibs EXCEPT GSIL - although I am sure she is paying in other ways.  I find it difficult to accept that she is unaware or that it is totally innocent.

Maybe the problem is more mine than I'd like to claim (50%). I certainly have doubted the whole "Let the DH speak to his FOO" since mine chooses to stay silent our of some filial obligation.

Quote
I'm all for approaching mil with the attitude that she will understand the concerns.. if she then proves to be unwilling to understand why this is an issue, then you can make some negative assumptions about why she is now knowingly choosing this path.  I just feel that for the sake of the family hoping first that the problems can be worked out without it coming to blows might make for better end results

in a perfect world :)

I know this post is kinda all over but wanted to offer up some reasons why I haven't proceeded in the startlingly obvious fashion of open communication.

Some people you can talk to, some people you can't.  I understand where you're coming from, ST.

I've managed to (finally!) have two heart felt conversations with my MIL the past month or so and it's brought up every time she's upset with me now.  That was a quick lesson!

I am not generally in favor of "big talks" but a gentle "as it happens" approach.  Not correcting or chiding someone, as much as bringing attention to what they're doing, so they can correct themselves.  Saves face and feelings all around.

Another example where this approach works is with the kind of person who interrupts someone when they want to chime in.  Person A is talking, person B rushes to interrupt.  In one on one conversation, I like the type of approach where person A immediately stops talking.  And stays completely silent, even when person B finishes their interruption.  Instead of jumping back in, Person A stays pointedly silent. There will be a moment of awkward silence.  When Person B prompts them, and A asks "Are you finished speaking? I don't want to interrupt you."  Do this once or twice in a conversation, and person B becomes aware to mind her own interruptions, without confrontation or correction.

If time is limited, or in a group situation, a slightly more daring approach would be for person A to say to person B "So sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you", even though it was person B doing the interruption.  If done poltely and not with a snarl, it can save face while setting things straight.  I've seen speakers, leaders, teachers trying to manage a room full of excited interruptions, do this.  It takes a bit more confidence.

That's why for the conversation hijack to comparison city, my favorite is still poohs "confused, thought we were talking about DD" response, or pooh's as a gemnuine inquiry asking MIL what or whom she'd prefer to discuss.  It seems to serve to bring a level of mindfulness to MIL's topics, without challenging, correcting, accusing or confronting her.

Sassy, those are great options. Thanks, I'll be using them soon.

ST, how wonderful you are looking for solutions that won't annihilate your MIL/your relationship. I agree with Laurie, it's too early to assume she's out to get you and your kids. If she proves to be doing so you can change tactics.

Perhaps you could begin the visit or the call by asking about the cousins right from the start? Once the topic is exhausted MIL would be repeating herself if she hijacked your news about your children. I've tried this w/DIL who can turn any discussion into a bragging session about her FOO. I truly am interested in DIL's life, but sometimes I enjoy having a discussion that doesn't include interjections about her incredible, fabulous FOO.

Oh wow! I think Pen makes a good point...it might be a good idea to allow her a chance to get the excitement she has about the other GKs off of her chest before you talk about your own children. This may avoid comparisons being made because you'll already know all about the other GKs.

I agree Sassy.. the big talks often do not help to diffuse most situations... I just saw the time between the baby being born and the visit coming fast. 

ST, I think one of the biggest problems is the fact that you and dh are viewing the situation differently.. while you may both see the outcome of her toting the gsil's kids on the silver platter,  you appear be at opposite ends when it comes to addressing the issue. Keeping mum is not always the most respectful approach when dealing with these types of conflict.. to me once the issue is out there then it will be up to her to try and dance around the issues... there is no reason for you to hold in the growing resentment, anger, and pain.  By making your feelings known you are also now able to set some personal boundaries concerning the conversations especially those which directly involve your daughter.

Yes ST my words that you quoted would be the perfect scenario.  I find my own family in an opposite quandary, as it's the constant spoon feeding of my dil's foo into our lives.  But my first approach did reflect my suggestions, I'm going to give my dil the benefit of the doubt that she too wants a happy relationship.. in our case we have not yet arrive at the end result I was hoping for but it's on the table now and I was able to set my own personal boundaries without guilt. The best part is the fact that my husband and I are united in our decisions.

If the gsil's children are that embedded in her mind it might be impossible to have her all talked out about them no matter how long you let her ramble.  This to me is almost equal to trying to have a conversation with my own dd and not have her wedding plans somehow injected... not happening.

Yeah but why is it up to ST to change MIL's bad habits?  lol, I really do not mean that in any other way than genuine.  I know with my FOO I act as a good ambassador between them and DH to make it the most comfortable for all.  Dh would never have to approach them and vs versa, it's awkward and can be embarrassing if they had to.  I know them both better so to me, it makes the most sense for me to smooth waters for all involved.

Even when I don't necessarily agree with DH, I make sure his boundaries are respected and he's not continually put in positions that are awkward for him.  I think whether ST's DH agrees with her or not -- he should be the one to step up and say something.  At least someone should have by now, she didn't get this bad habit out of nowhere lol.  Most people avoid one uppers like the plague.

ST:

when you say the IL's are coming to visit , do they stay with you ?
As you said they come for a really long  time !! how on earth are you expected to cope with a newborn
and the IL's ?
If this is the case I would certainly mention it on day one , if the comparisons start , otherwise you are in
for a very tiresome visit at a very vulnerable time .

LL, I'm with you. New baby & long IL visit? Even under the best of circumstances it could be tiresome.

Good one, Laurie! Are you about up to here w/wedding chatter, LOL? It actually must be exciting - enjoy it! Living vicariously through you (again.) And you're right, some people never get tired of their favorite topic.

Pam, that seems fair and comfortable for all involved.

Sassy, the "teachable moment" is a good idea, too. You guys are so smart! Depending on the people involved and the immediate situation, there are a lot of options that don't have to result in hurt feelings/meltdowns. I just hope I can remember them when faced with interrruptions, LOL.

ST, I hope whatever tack you take works. Best wishes.

I cant tell you how much you all have given me to think about!  I liked the idea about someone (sorry, I forgot whose) DD is getting married & "The Wedding" is injected into everything - Imagine listening to that for 6 years - yikes!  I knwo that the right thing is fr me to "get it out there" but have to be able to keep my negative feelings in check.  I like the teachable momen concept - I watch Cesar - I know an old dog can learn new trick (Dog whispherer - only joking, besides MIL isnt that old ony 59).  MIL has not let us know her travel plans yet (we are the last to know with an arrival date and and estimated date of departure). 

Trying to keep an open mind & heart...  thanks again