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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: AnnieB on September 02, 2009, 08:16:12 AM

Title: A mother is always a mother
Post by: AnnieB on September 02, 2009, 08:16:12 AM
OK, so even though my two DIL's haven't said anything like this to me (bless their hearts!), when I see someone claiming that a Mother's love is replaced by a Wife's, or that one or the other is stealing the son away, it just irks me!  So I am once again (at my own risk  ;D) sharing some thoughts I had on this topic...

What I would say, if push came to shove! 

******

I am still his mother, though he's no longer a child and he is now your husband.
That doesn't mean I'm giving him up, or that you are taking him away.
We can both love him - you as the wife, me as the mother.
You did not love him like I do and never can because I'm the mother.
I cannot love him like you do and never can because you're the wife.
If that doesn't make the point, let me add a few more things.

You did not birth him.
You did not raise him.
I have loved him while he was bald and his pants were full of pee and poop.  If you're lucky, your day will come.
I have loved him even when he threw up on me, even when he threw himself on the floor and screamed "I don't wuv you!", even when he slammed his door and said, "None of your business!"
I loved him before he was born, I loved him the second I saw him, I learned what unconditional love meant from him.
And now I get to love him unconditionally, without having to nag him about picking up his room, getting up on time, or taking out the trash.  You can do all that now.
I will never believe he's cheating on me. 
Even if I did, in my heart, I'd never divorce him.
He and I are truly "til death do we part."
for even if we no longer speak,
I will always hold the boy he was
tenderly in my heart

So, nope, I cannot love him like you do, you're the wife.
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: SunnyDays09 on September 02, 2009, 01:44:53 PM
"There is no reason for this to happen.  There is someone to blame.  It could be everyone involved. It just means everyone involved has to understand the role they play in the mess and be willing to admit they need to work together to avoid this sort of hurt in their family."  (not using quote function since print is very small)

   And someone needs to step up and say to themselves "I won't let others interfere, whether it be my mother or sister or someone else, with my new life and the new people in it."  No matter what.  They have got to decide for themselves just what type of relationship they want with new family.  Talking may help with some.  With others it may not.  But at least try. 
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: corinsmith19 on September 02, 2009, 02:39:47 PM
Okay. I've been reading these posts for some time.  I have to be honest.  I've been married for about three years and you know there are always going to be people in your life that you don't like.  My MIL happens to be one of them.  Its nothing against her.  I just don't like her.  Everyone else in the family is fine.  She hovers too much and expects us to get together with her practically every weekend.  I got on this website because I'm trying to understand how she might feel.  I have to be honest, I tolerate her and that's about it.  My husband gets tired of her too, but doesn't want to hurt her feelings.  She's got a husband, other children and grandchildren and she works.  So I don't understand why she can't back the heck off.

Some of the Mil's on this site I feel sorry for but I see almost an obsession with your kids.  I think that would creep me out if my mom was pining over me like that!  Its almost like an obsessed stalker over a former lover. I'm sorry but that's what it reminds me of.  I can't imagine my mom thinking about "sharing" me with my husband.  That's creepy.  I'm an adult for crying out loud.  Why would my mom be thinking about when I used to poop my pants etc.  If my mom was obsessing like this over me I'm sorry but I would have to say "babe you gotta get a life!"
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: corinsmith19 on September 02, 2009, 02:53:51 PM
Tamkat you mentioned that you wish that everyone would respect each other's right to be in each other life?
I'm like what?
I like this saying I heard a long time ago:  "Its a privilege to be apart of someone life, not a right."  I agree with this. Just because you give birth to someone doesn't mean that you have a "right" to be in their life.  And just because you gave birth to them doesn't mean that you don't have to earn that right to be in their lives.
And one more thing the golden rule that every Mil needs to learn is "don't complain to your child about their spouse."  You're going to push  them away even more.  If I ever find out my Mil is bad mouthing me to my husband I will tell her to her face that if she's got something that she doesn't like about me then she needs to say it to my face or keep her mouth shut!! >:(
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: Prissy on September 02, 2009, 02:57:33 PM
come back when you have kids, corinsmith19...this has nothing to do with pining over a long lost love, it's a tad different than that.

We have lives, we have friends, we have businesses.....it's a shame that his mom gets on your nerves because someday you might have a son and his wife might not like you. It will break you into a million pieces, it will...and you'll look back on how you felt about her and know how it feels.  Good luck with that.

You will never understand till you get there.
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: corinsmith19 on September 02, 2009, 03:04:53 PM
Prissy, I'm sorry about your problems but some people do seem obsessed.  And I probably won't have a son since I gave birth to twin daughters about 10 months ago and I don't think I can go through that again.  I'm very close with my mom so I'm sure that my daughters will be close to me.  Also my daughters love my husbands mom but she over stays her welcome too much.  I just don't understand why mothers just can't let their kids grow up and have their own life and not obsess over them.  Its freakin creepy.
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: Prissy on September 02, 2009, 03:27:03 PM
You don't need to be "sorry" about my problems and I'm not obsessed.  I don't know why Daughters in law can't afford the same respect to their husband's Mother that they give to their own Mothers.

I also don't know why daughters in law can't use the brain God gave them and know that there is no way they could really love their own husbands if they treat his Mother with disrespect.

My kids have grown up.  I raised them to do just that....times have changed and some women have become so self centered that GOD help the next generation. You don't know everything, though you think you do.  You will get exactly what you give out.  Count on it, except it's going to hurt much worse.

Good luck with that too.
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: corinsmith19 on September 02, 2009, 03:43:19 PM
Bitterness isn't going to get you anywhere and it sure isn't' going to get your dil to like you.  But I DO love my husband and I love his mom as well.  She just doesn't realize she bother us so much.
But if I were you I would take a good long look at myself before I jump on dil.  Your children weren't born into this world to keep you happy and fulfilled for crying out loud.  That's YOUR job not your kids.  They shouldn't have to feel like they have to constantly have you apart of everything.  Think about it, would you really want you Mil hanging around you all the time.  I think not.  And by the way I've not shunned my Mil at all.  She just drives me crazy sometimes but I still love her.  Prissy I've read your posts dear and let me tell you from a dil point of view, there is a reason why your dil doesn't like you, I promise!  Just look at the vile crap you call her.
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: Prissy on September 02, 2009, 03:47:33 PM
Do not lecture me....do not.  This is the only place we have to post. You're not going to take it away from us. 

If you don't like what I've said, don't read it but do not lecture me like I'm a child. 
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: corinsmith19 on September 02, 2009, 03:54:32 PM
I'm not trying to take anything away from you or lecture you. I'm just saying that look at how you over react to stuff, totally over react!  I'm sure that's huge a turnoff to your dil and even your son.  Don't you have 2 sons that don't come around.  Its so easy to blame everybody else isn't it?  Its too painful to look at we've done that might be bad or inappropriate.  There's a reason why you keep on having this problem.  Maybe your dil's are just sick of your dramatic reactions to stuff???
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: Prissy on September 02, 2009, 03:59:10 PM
you seem to know a lot about me.  I see all your little 'guests' viewing this site, cheering you on. 

You have no heart....leave us alone.  I do not need you to give your opinion about me to me.  I don't want your advice...take yourself back to your hate mil site. You'll be among your own kind there.
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: luise.volta on September 02, 2009, 04:03:10 PM
I think we often talk "apples and oranges"...the dynamics of mother/daughter can be very different from mother/son.

When my youngest son married, his wife saw us together for the first and told me later that she said to herself..."OK, I can be number two in his life." She only told me that after we became vast friends and she had learned that there were two number one females in his life. We are still inseparable, that DIL and I...a quarter of a century later.
And he has never confused which one is the mom and which one is the wife.

And I think C. has a point...if not about obsession...it may be about continuance for many of us. (Not the legal term!) ;D Many of us moms see the family as continuing in a way that our off-spring don't necessarily want or agree with. They start a new clan and may see us as external to that. That makes sense but unfortunately many of us, (me included), see the family unit as expanding, transcending our children becoming adults and incorporating "newcomers." The two concepts are almost diametrically opposed. The former creates a new matriarch of a new family unit while the later leaves the former matriarch in a formidable context.

When each faction expects the other to conform to their particular slant on things, oh, boy!

I have had to learn to back off and shut up. Neither are easy when you've been the leader for a couple of decades and no matter how benevolent...a force to be reconned with. I have had to learn to ask and comply. Whoa! What a concept! However, it is do-able and it makes a huge difference.

I may be shot for this and get tons of minus Karma points, but I feel the son and DIL have a right to make the rules when they establish a new entity. I think some do it ruthlessly, however. And some see trouble where there is none. It also looks like some guys just do head and sand and don't/won't participate.

(Putting my soap box away, now...before the shooting begins.)
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: Prissy on September 02, 2009, 04:06:40 PM
There's no shooting here, Luise.  I just know where she's from and I really would like a place to share without being hounded by them, that's all.

Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: corinsmith19 on September 02, 2009, 04:07:42 PM
Things will NEVER change for you because your not willing to look at yourself.  Add at this to your list of things to work on - paranoia.  My friends are watching as guests??  What in the world does that mean??

Also by the way I'm not on any hate my Mil site.  I happen to love my Mil and that's why I've never said anything to her.  But if I had a Mil like you I would be locking the front door and screening my phone calls, I promise you that!  I wouldn't be at all surprised if you're imagining these problems with your dil.  So you think its all your dil and both your sons?  You have nothing to do with it.  Right, right that makes perfect senses I guess in your world.
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: corinsmith19 on September 02, 2009, 04:12:28 PM
Luise thank you for your post.  Now that's a rational Mil that I could have a normal relationship with.  Prissy being rational might get you some where with you family.
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: luise.volta on September 02, 2009, 04:40:34 PM
I think we often talk "apples and oranges"...the dynamics of mother/daughter can be very different from mother/son.

When my youngest son married, his wife saw us together for the first and told me later that she said to herself..."OK, I can be number two in his life." She only told me that after we became vast friends and she had learned that there were two number one females in his life. We are still inseparable, that DIL and I...a quarter of a century later.
And he has never confused which one is the mom and which one is the wife.

And I think C. has a point...if not about obsession...it may be about continuance for many of us. (Not the legal term!) ;D Many of us moms see the family as continuing in a way that our off-spring don't necessarily want or agree with. They start a new clan and may see us as external to that. That makes sense but unfortunately many of us, (me included), see the family unit as expanding, transcending our children becoming adults and incorporating "newcomers." The two concepts are almost diametrically opposed. The former creates a new matriarch of a new family unit while the later leaves the former matriarch in a formidable context.

When each faction expects the other to conform to their particular slant on things, oh, boy!

I have had to learn to back off and shut up. Neither are easy when you've been the leader for a couple of decades and no matter how benevolent...a force to be reconned with. I have had to learn to ask and comply. Whoa! What a concept! However, it is do-able and it makes a huge difference.

I may be shot for this and get tons of minus Karma points, but I feel the son and DIL have a right to make the rules when they establish a new entity. I think some do it ruthlessly, however. And some see trouble where there is none. It also looks like some guys just do head and sand and don't/won't participate.

(Putting my soap box away, now...before the shooting begins.)
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: AnnieB on September 02, 2009, 05:44:28 PM
Quote from: corinsmith19 on September 02, 2009, 02:39:47 PM
  Why would my mom be thinking about when I used to poop my pants etc.  If my mom was obsessing like this over me I'm sorry but I would have to say "babe you gotta get a life!"

OMG, I had to laugh at your post Corin -- that segment of my ... poem, or whatever it is... was meant to be funny!   I can see how thinking it was a deep pining from an aging mother to her child's diaper days would have you shaking your head!   

You have some good points, but please be a bit gentler in your posts!   Some of the people in here have some things going on that have separated them from their grown children - that's painful and we're all trying to deal with that, with seriousness and humor and support.

I think we seem obsessed on this site because this site is about talking about our relationship with our grown kids and their spouses.  Most of us would like to get along. 

Myself, I'm figuring out some of the things you'd think would have been in my MIL training manual (which I seem to have lost).   But I'm learning more and more. 

A sense of humor helps (hence my comments on the post that started this).  Having a life of my own, not getting in their stuff, keeping my thoughts to myself, realizing my DiL's may not like me as much as I wish... I had thought I knew about being a MIL because it seemed so easy from afar (when I was a DIL).   It is easy - and it isn't.  There are a lot of personalities involved.

We're all human, we're all trying.   Don't take everything so literally and intensely -- life is too short!    The point is -- we're still the mother of your spouse, even if you don't like us.  As I'm sure you'll find when your daughters are grown, you'll still love them and remember moments from their childhood - even if everything is wonderful and there are no losses or bad moments -- it isn't creepy, it's emotions.   It would be creepy if that was all there was in our lives, but ..that isn't all there is.   But on this site -- that's what we're talking about.


Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: Prissy on September 02, 2009, 05:55:55 PM
AnnieB, thank you for saying so beautifully what I couldn't say.  Your sense of humor is coming through and I love it. 

Just2be, I can't imagine someone not loving you. 
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: AnnieB on September 02, 2009, 05:57:07 PM
Quote from: luise.volta on September 02, 2009, 04:40:34 PM
Many of us moms see the family as continuing in a way that our off-spring don't necessarily want or agree with. They start a new clan and may see us as external to that. That makes sense but unfortunately many of us, (me included), see the family unit as expanding, transcending our children becoming adults and incorporating "newcomers." The two concepts are almost diametrically opposed. The former creates a new matriarch of a new family unit while the later leaves the former matriarch in a formidable context.

When each faction expects the other to conform to their particular slant on things, oh, boy!

I have had to learn to back off and shut up. Neither are easy when you've been the leader for a couple of decades and no matter how benevolent...a force to be reconned with. I have had to learn to ask and comply. Whoa! What a concept! However, it is do-able and it makes a huge difference.

Wow!  I love this because I think it explains it so clearly and empathetically.   This feels like what I've slowly be awakening to...sort of an "aha" moment.

Interesting because while going through this I am also caring for my mother (who had a stroke 9 years ago and is doing pretty well).   She's been giving up her matriarchal stuff along with her independence -- she can't drive, I made Thanksgiving dinner which is what she used to do....

With three generations of women - and my DIL's also have mothers and grandmothers of their own --this leads for some interesting dynamics!

.....
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: AnnieB on September 02, 2009, 06:02:40 PM
I just love luise's post.... it reminded me of a dream I had when I was newly married.  We used to go to my husband's family's house every Sunday, every single Sunday! 

We had no way to do our own stuff, because ..well, he wanted to be there, and I think we were expected.  Mostly he wanted to be there because he had 7 brothers and sisters, they were very close and they had no friends outside the family.   

I had a dream once that we were building a new house of our own.  But it wasn't holding up very well, it seemed all rickety when you'd go up the stairs - there were no walls, really and the foundation was flimsy.   In the dream I realized that our house was built onto his parent's house using wood and nails they had left over.   

Deeeepppp.....
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: Prissy on September 02, 2009, 06:18:18 PM
very deeeeeeeeep, I get it, though.  It got me to thinking: we went every Sunday to my Husband's parents house and then to my family's house after that. I never thought anything about it.  It just was what it was.

We made their lives richer and after all they had done for us, we felt richer by doing it.  It was a little thing that we did but now, I think: 'how the heck did I get my kids and hubby and drive 45 minutes away (Q)'.  makes me tired now just to think about it!

I'm glad for the memories.

Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: Prissy on September 02, 2009, 06:37:36 PM
It's a hard place to be, isn't it, Tam...you just have to be there to understand.
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: Prissy on September 02, 2009, 06:54:39 PM
What she thinks about his mother, he will think.  She will find a way to get the poor woman out of his life, I fear.  He will let her.

Reading "The Steps" I first posted fit corin exactly....she's in the beginning stages. 
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: Prissy on September 02, 2009, 07:00:55 PM
There isn't a sense of 'family' anymore....I am so sorry for everyone because they are the people who will love you always. This generation is missing something priceless, even though there were many problems.
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: Prissy on September 02, 2009, 07:09:03 PM
I know all about that...it's like they have one club, only them and all others are out.  I think it's sad...so sad.  No one really would want to be a part of their lives but they think they're being a clan. 
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: just2baccepted on September 02, 2009, 07:14:33 PM
AnnieB - I like your posts.  By the way I was wondering is your mom able to function ok?  My aunt has had several small strokes over the last 4 yrs.  And they slowly took away almost all her abilities.  She wears a diaper and can't feel one of her feet and hands and she sits in her chair and talks to herself.  She never had a "big" stroke just several little tiny ones.  Its really depressing.

Thanks for the compliment Prissy.  I think I'm pretty nice too! I like to laugh and be silly and I used to do that in front of my in-laws but I don't anymore.
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: Prissy on September 02, 2009, 07:26:53 PM
I don't understand that, Just2be....I hate that for you because it means you can't be your funny self.  That's what I'm up against.  I'm frozen and not myself around my DIL.  It's so sad.

Your inlaws are missing out on a great person. I wish I could talk to them. I would if I could.  I don't know how to be myself with people who don't 'get' me. I guess you feel the same.  You're one in a million.  :)
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: just2baccepted on September 02, 2009, 07:39:56 PM
Reading "The Steps" I first posted fit corin exactly....she's in the beginning stages.

Hopfully that's not true.  Maybe she just needs to talk to her MIL like Tamkat said.  Maybe if she feels like she isn't being smothered or whatever then she will feel better about the relationship.
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: just2baccepted on September 02, 2009, 07:46:59 PM
Thank you Prissy, that is so sweet  :D
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: Prissy on September 02, 2009, 07:47:15 PM
In my heart, I don't think she cares enough about her to talk to her. I used the name Prissy on the mil hate sites, trying to get help and I think, though I have no proof, she might be one of them.  If you'd like to see what they are like, go to one of them and see. They are not accepting of mils, let's just put it that way. 
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: just2baccepted on September 02, 2009, 07:48:55 PM
What are some of the sites?
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: AnnieB on September 02, 2009, 07:58:38 PM
Quote from: just2baccepted on September 02, 2009, 07:14:33 PM
AnnieB - I like your posts.  By the way I was wondering is your mom able to function ok? 

She's fine.  Swims twice a week, lives alone so far  -- can't drive, which is very difficult because you give up a lot of independence when you give up the ability to drive. 
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: just2baccepted on September 02, 2009, 10:38:19 PM
AnnieB that's wonderful.  I know that can be hard not being able to drive but being able to swim, that's great.  I just don't think my aunt will live a whole lot longer.  She's only 71.  My mom thinks it was the RX called Baycol.  They took that off the shelf after some people died from it and some developed other problems.  They even consulted an attorney about the class action lawsuit against the maker of Baycol but my aunt and uncle decided not to do it because that would entail them suing the dr as well and they didn't want to do that.  But it would have been nice to help pay for her care.  Because I feel like its a matter of time until she has to go to a rest home.  I just don't know how much longer my uncle can take care of her.  My mom said that my aunts mind is really starting to go as well as her psychical.  My mom really thinks the Baycol weakened her blood vessels or something like that. 
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: luise.volta on September 03, 2009, 03:24:57 PM
Well, I'm greatly relieved that I didn't get popped off of my soap box by a water gun!  ;D

I would like to recommend that we not publish the URLs for hate sites and for those who are able, I would like...again....to suggest that you stop the self-torture of reading them. Please, for your own well-being, not mine. It's hard to build inner peace in a war zone.

And thirdly, I want to remind everyone about mutual respect. We can disagree with the premises presented by otherd but that does not not provide license for unkindness. If that doesn't make sense, please re-read the agreement under the Read Me First at the top of our Home Page. and re-commit. If it no longer makes sense, it's time to move to another kind of site where respect isn't an issue.

Thanks, one and all.  :)
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: AnnieB on September 03, 2009, 03:34:15 PM
Yes - I apologize for starting this thread -- it was meant to be a semi-humorous reply to a common complaint but it seems to have triggered some heat.   :(   

Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: Prissy on September 03, 2009, 03:42:07 PM
It was a very humorous thread, AnnieB....long live AnnieB!!!  ;)
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: luise.volta on September 03, 2009, 04:27:55 PM
Did anybody read my prayer? (Speaking of humor.) ;D
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: luise.volta on September 03, 2009, 04:34:38 PM
How about Minnie Mouse for an image? I was the only one with a real picture for obvious reasons...I'm the only one who isn't anonymous...
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: just2baccepted on September 05, 2009, 10:20:33 PM
Wouldn't it be neat to know what everyone looks like.    I'm sure most people do this but I have a picture in my head what some of you might look like.  Except Luise of course.  What's funny is I'm always wrong.   I didn't see my hubby's office for like two years and I always had this mental picture of it and I was totally off base when I saw it for the first time.
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: luise.volta on September 06, 2009, 11:14:26 AM
I do the same thing! And sometimes with people, if I have had my picture in my head for too long, it's hard to adjust!  ;D

I picked Minnie Mouse because she was created in 1928 and I was born in 1927. We were probably both on the drawing board at about the same time!  :D
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: SunnyDays09 on September 06, 2009, 11:26:37 AM
 That pic I chose as an av? is it?  was NOT me.  She is a performer or something Eva Habersham?  I think? 
   Minnie is hot!  AnnieB?  I am blonde too.  :)

  I cleaned and cleaned yesterday.  Today ALL laundry and grocery shopping is done.  I am here with the fur kids. (I even cleaned THEM yesterday, too.  LOL)  We are having amazing weather today.  I might just take one of the furries for a walk.  Hope everyone is enjoying their day today!
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: AnnieB on September 06, 2009, 01:01:56 PM
Ha, I'm a fading redhead..... don't have the coloring for a blonde!  But in here... you can be what you want! (that realization comes from my Second Life, heh heh)...
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: luise.volta on September 06, 2009, 01:47:28 PM
I was trying to figure out what to wear for the award ceremony I told you about. The outfit I like best, beige and tan, looks terrible with my natural gray. So, I colored my hair to match my outfit!  :D ;D (Same color as in that picture.)

Maybe my next picture will be the whole truth and nothing but the truth. (Too late now!) :D
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: lostone on September 09, 2009, 07:53:42 AM
Being estranged from my son has caused me to go through 2 1/2 years of sadness and greif.  In fact, I just recently starting going to a grief recovery program.  So it feels like a slap to hear that because I miss my son, feel the need to talk about the situation (as the only thing I have left of him ) I could be considered being obsessive, and even worse creepy.  I wanted my son to have his own life, I just did not expect to never be allowed to see him or have the opportunity to even meet my grandkids.  I am not going to rehash why, point a finger, or lay blame at this time.  My point is that I am where I am and I am doing my best to accept it.  From what I am learning I may always greive my loss just less often and less intensely.

Here is a passage from the book "Journey to a New Beginning After A Loss" by Scott Reall

"Sadness is the feeling that speaks to how much we value what is missed, what is gone, and what is lost.  It also speaks of how deeply you value what you love, what you have, and what you live.  He goes on to explain that sadness is proportional - the more you value something the more it is going to hurt."

I value my sons (all 3 of them) as well as my husband more than anything else in this world.  I will not apologize for that or make excuses for that.  If that is creepy than what is life all about?  It amazes me how little understanding some have for what others are going through.  In fact one of the reasons my grief has been so hard is that because my estranged son is still alive most others cannot understand that my loss is no different than if he was dead.  Would anyone call a widow creepy for grieving the loss of their spouse?  They say the loss of a child is the most intense grief anyone could experience - is that also creepy?

God help those that can answer yes to that question and the ones in their lives wanting to be loved whole heartedly.

Once a mother always has a heart of a mother for her children, no matter what they do, where they go, or old they get.  Love doesn't end just because raising them does.  Creepy to me would be to believe that it does.
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: just2baccepted on September 09, 2009, 08:20:28 AM
I will not apologize for that or make excuses for that.  If that is creepy than what is life all about?  It amazes me how little understanding some have for what others are going through.

I agree with what you said and hopefully this poster didn't mean situations like yours and maybe her view is skewed from her issues, who knows.

But bless your sweet heart, I wish you son and DIL could see how much love you have to give them, I think that's so obvious.  The way I see it is God can do anything and you may see miracle come your way some day especially when we know we're doing what we need to do to heal the relationship.  Oh please don't give up.  You're son is still alive.  He must love you because you loved him.  he won't forget that, I just know that has to be true.  I love my mom so much and can't imagine pulling out of her life because my hubby hated her for stupid reasons.  Good Luck.
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: lostone on September 09, 2009, 09:28:48 AM
Thanks Just2be.  I hope and pray God has a miracle in store for me, but until then I have to accept that I have lost 2 1/2 years of their life that I will never get back. My granddaughter turned 2 last Saturday and I have been pretty sensitive lately.  I'm doing all I can not to let this ruin my life - because I do not have control over anyone or anything but my attitude.  You made me tear up when you said my son must love me because that is the one thought that keeps holding me back.  To loose him is one thing to think he could hate me is quite another.  I hope your right, in my heart I can't believe he truly hates me though his actions say otherwise.  Deep in my heart I know that he loved me once and that he knows I love him still.  One day he will have to deal with that.  I just hope I am still around to know it.  Thanks again Just2be
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: AnnieB on September 09, 2009, 09:50:45 AM
I think the poster was just very young and unable to empathize outside of her situation yet, emphasis on "yet".    Some read our posts with an expectation of what we are saying that has little to do with what we are going through.   I think it has to do with maturity, and that isn't necessarily something age related or whether the poster is a MIL or DIL.   

I know I've been there...some things are difficult to understand unless you have something to relate them to.  That's why, to me, this board is such a blessing!
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: luise.volta on September 09, 2009, 08:36:50 PM
And we can always go back to getting that any remark is just that poster's point of view. It isn't a fact. It isn't written in stone. And it can either be taken into consideration or ignored.The choice is ours. For me at least, being reactive is painful. I see it as me giving that other person power.

For instance: My eldest son is dead and he was married to the DIL from Hell. We had a rocky relationship and he died at 52 with it unresolved. No one can tell me how I should feel about that. They can only tell me how they feel about how they think I feel. Much can be lost in the translation. I can respect whoever presents an observation but I have no obligation to respect what's said...or respond.

Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: SunnyDays09 on September 10, 2009, 06:11:43 AM
Quote from: lostone on September 09, 2009, 09:28:48 AM
Thanks Just2be.  I hope and pray God has a miracle in store for me, but until then I have to accept that I have lost 2 1/2 years of their life that I will never get back. My granddaughter turned 2 last Saturday and I have been pretty sensitive lately.  I'm doing all I can not to let this ruin my life - because I do not have control over anyone or anything but my attitude.  You made me tear up when you said my son must love me because that is the one thought that keeps holding me back.  To loose him is one thing to think he could hate me is quite another.  I hope your right, in my heart I can't believe he truly hates me though his actions say otherwise.  Deep in my heart I know that he loved me once and that he knows I love him still.  One day he will have to deal with that.  I just hope I am still around to know it.  Thanks again Just2be

So glad you are back lostone. 
   Does it help to know someone else goes thru the same pain?  I truly know what you are dealing with.  Although you are more at peace with your sadness while I have mine tied up and duct taped, I understand. 
   It is quite the shock.  It's been over five years that I have seen/spoken to them.  Never met their child.  I don't even know how old she is. 
   I am hoping for that miracle for you, too!  (((hugs)))
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: lostone on September 10, 2009, 02:05:41 PM
HappyDays09 - it does help to know I am not alone but sad to know others have had to deal with this unbelievable pain.  I have had a few wake up calls this year that made me realize I had to find a way to deal with my pain instead of continuing to stuff it.  I walked around like a saturated sponge who leaked at the slightest offense, memory, thought, etc.  I was alowing this situation to torture me, ruin my other relationships with my other sons, and my husband whom have been so supportive.  I have always been a survivor and had to finally admit this was kicking my butt.  I needed help and have kept looking for ways out of the pain.  I finally decided to love myself the way I love others.  Mothers get such a bad rapp I think.  We are critisized if we don't do enough or if we do too much.  Yet, the perfect amount changes without warning.  All we can do is our best and then we need to pat ourselves on the back, hold up our heads, and move forward (even if our hearts are broken).  I would not take back one moment of time spent with my son or one ounce of love.  My only regret is that I spent over a year blaming myself.  I hope for a miracle for you as well.
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: just2baccepted on September 10, 2009, 03:01:43 PM
I hesitate posting this, I don't want to offend anyone, but I wonder if the sadness/depression doesn't get better then maybe you should consider an anti deppressent at least for awhile until you start feeling better.  I'm not even saying that I would do that, I'm just saying that could be an option if you don't feel better soon.  I have taken them before and they do help emotionally but they do have side effects that I coudln't stand (weight gain)
Title: Re: A mother is always a mother
Post by: lostone on September 10, 2009, 03:22:55 PM
I understand and agree - life is too short not to weigh all options.