I was just wondering what this site is all about. I've been reading some of the postings here. I too am having daughter-law-issues. I seem to be reading a lot in common with you all.
At the moment I feel like taking up kick boxing to relieve some of my frustrations! I'm not to sure exactly where to start. I'm basically looking for advice in how to approach talking to my dil and son about my concerns. I've tried several times with no luck. Mostly my issues are with how she occupies all my son's time without any regard to spending time with his family whether it be birthdays, holidays or anytime we simply call to go out for dinner.
This isn't how I thought things would be. My dil and I were close prior to my son marrying her. Now it's as if his family has the plague. Honestly though I have more issues with her mother scheduling events when she knows our family is planning something. Several times I have told my son his families plans which many times have included my dil's family as well, only for my dil's mother to schedule plans over our families plans.
The question I have is, how do I ask my dil to ask her mother not to do that or at least find a way for us all to have equal time with our kids. I've talked to my son about it quite a few times and he always remarks that our dil gets upset if he questions why they always have to do things with her family and not leave any time for his.
At this point in time I've kind of given up.
Dear Grimkin,
I''m afraid to answer but since you are in the same boat a lot of us are, I will tell you, it seems to be a common thread. I don't know why and none of us 'get it' but it just is.
This site was for Mothers in law and now, it's incorporated some wonderful daughters in law who give us loving advice where we need it. They are helpful and don't hurt us more than we're already hurt. We're so glad to have them. We try to help them too.
That was not true a couple of times but those people don't post any longer. We're free to post and share with MILs and DILs who care about each other now.
I've been in your shoes...a more confusing and heartbreaking situation you've never seen. I would caution you not to talk to the DIL about it!! CAUTION!! She might take it the wrong way and years of terrible trouble will follow.
Remember too, that when you talk to your son about it, he will tell her. She will not understand what you're trying to say and take it the wrong way again.
The DILs on this board might have some pointers for you. I just know their wisdom will help. Just know that you are not alone. :)
Cat - Sadly I am where you may end up if you don't find a way to accept the seriousness of this situation. My son came to my town where DIL's mother lives to visit her family and told me about it later. I told him in the future I would appreciate it if he would not tell me he has been to town and didn't have time to come by for even a few minutes because it hurts my feelings and made me feel unimportant. A couple of days later he called me back and said that after thinking about it (and talking with DIL) he decided that I was not grateful for when I did see him and to "teach me a lesson" he would not see me at Christmas. I set there in disbelief, my son had NEVER talked to me that way before. We were close and he always looked forward to getting together with his family and especially me. It also worked out pretty conveniently because DIL's mother wanted them to go out of town with her for the holidays.
DIL's mother puts a lot of pressure on them to accommodate her schedule but I didn't have any prior warning that this would be an issue. Your son has given you a complement by confiding in you that talking to his wife about this gets her upset. She may be under a great deal of pressure from her mother and is not as strong (or secure in her mother's love) as your son is.
IMHO - I would plan events and invite them but not pressure them to attend. My mother taught me a valuable lesson when I was newly married - she gave up all our holiday traditions in order to make it easier for me and my sister to spend time with in-laws and started new ones. For instance we always celebrate Thanksgiving the Saturday after Thanksgiving and feel just as Thankful. Seeing this as a future issue with my other boys I started asking them to give me a few hours the day after Christmas as my Christmas present. We go out to eat breakfast, shopping, movie, etc, and I love it.
My advice is to recognize the seriousness of this issue and accept that you cannot change them. Being pressured by you may drive them further away. I am not saying it is fair or you are not entitled, I am just saying some time is a lot better than no time. My one comment has turned into almost 3 years of no contact with my son or the opportunity to even meet my own grandchild. :'(
Just know that you are not alone.
I agree with Chickiebaby, your story seems to be identical to most MIL's on this site. I'll say up front that I"m a DIL with IL trouble. But when you think about suffering in silence and never saying anything to your son that just doesn't seem fair. He's your son and you love him too.
I think it takes courage to say something to your son with this over your head. I think most mom's feel scared and don't want to say anything because they're afraid their child will reject them. And I totally understand how they feel, but you know I think if the DIL is going to pull him away from me then I would go down fighting! I mean that in a gently way. It still shocks me that someone can raise a child and then that child pulls away because that's what his wife wants. Good Luck and everyone here will be pulling for you.
Thanks for the sign of good hope Chickiebaby,I already feel as if I have a whole new family online! what a great feeling, hope we can all help each other as you helped me!
Dear Lostone,
I will give you everything I have, and I will try to be as honest as possible. But we should keep in mind, that my point of view has a lot of different factors -things that happened in the past-between me and my In-Laws, shaping my ideas. But I can give you some perspective on why I know other DIL , including myself acts the way we do...
Sadly I am where you may end up if you don't find a way to accept the seriousness of this situation. My son came to my town where DIL's mother lives to visit her family and told me about it later.
-Could it be possible that this was not in their hands, I know this has happened to me and my husband, and the reason for this was that we were invited, and the situation at their home was of such a nature that we could not leave. It might not even be personal?
I told him in the future I would appreciate it if he would not tell me he has been to town and didn't have time to come by for even a few minutes because it hurts my feelings and made me feel unimportant. I think it is wonderful to be open about your feelings, and that means, you are already ahead of the battle. Maybe you should try another approach-even shocking to them, next time. You might even be pleasantly surprised with the outcome. Say instead of telling him you are hurt, which might make him feel sad and therefore he might get defensive, rather ask him how the trip was, and if he enjoyed it (this will also make your relationship grow with him, because he will then feel as if he can share anything with you)
A couple of days later he called me back and said that after thinking about it (and talking with DIL) he decided that I was not grateful for when I did see him and to "teach me a lesson" he would not see me at Christmas.
he probably discussed what you said to him with his wife, who then got defensive, and blew the whole thing out of proportion. Since I have no idea what kind of person your daughter in law is, I am afraid to make any suggestions, but what I would do if I were you is rather phone her directly, even ask for forgiveness -EVEN IF IT ISN'T YOUR WRONG'DOING-WHICH IT OBVIOUSLY ISNT!-I feel sorry for you and I know it isn't your fault! please just know this!
But ok, here is what I would suggest: Ok, so you phone her, and tell her your sorry, and then you just say that, you understand that they as a family may do and visit whomever they want, and that they should just know that you love them both very much, and that your house is always open to them. You make no arrangement,no suggestions, just leave it at that. I promise you (well I would like to promise you..but since I have no control, no idea, how they will react) I would like to believe that her attitude will change, I can tell you mine would.
I Think the golden rule when it comes to a DIL is that she wants to be the ALPHA FEMALE of her own family. If you can always get her to feel that way, that might help to resolve some of her problems. A female knows what an important role a Mother plays in a son's live (even if she will NEVER admit it!!!), and she is so terribly afraid of not being the ALPHA FEMALE, The ONLY woman in her husbands live, THE SOLE SECURITY PROVIDER, THE RULER OF THE HOUSE, The DIL needs to know that her MIL acknowledges her as the ALPHA FEMALE of her own family, actually she just wants to know she is the boss now, and not you anymore (even if it is not completely true)...so always talk to her first, work harder with your relationship with her, then things might start changing for the better.
I set there in disbelief, my son had NEVER talked to me that way before. We were close and he always looked forward to getting together with his family and especially me. It also worked out pretty conveniently because DIL's mother wanted them to go out of town with her for the holidays.
That is just awful, I feel so sorry for you! Remember that he is now influenced by another woman(his wife) as well, if you want to get close to him again, you need to be close to her-, if he is so defensive and 'stands with his woman' EVEN AGAINST HIS OWN MOTHER! PLEASE KNOW! This is a HUGE compliment for you, this means that he is VERY good to his wife, and he listens to her, this means he had a great relationship with the woman who taught him everything about woman! His wife is acting silly! She should be grateful!
Hope this helped, thanks again for the vote of confidence. Thanks Chickiebaby, I wish you were my MIL!
QuoteIMHO - I would plan events and invite them but not pressure them to attend.
QuoteI would caution you not to talk to the DIL about it!! CAUTION!! She might take it the wrong way and years of terrible trouble will follow.
Remember too, that when you talk to your son about it, he will tell her. She will not understand what you're trying to say and take it the wrong way again.
Lostone and Chickiebaby speak from experience.
Its so kind that you reach out include your DIL's parents in your invites. And I'm sorry they do not do the same for you.
This is a sad situation for you. You have addressed it with your son already. You do not want to put pressure on him to put pressure on his wife. This can make him, them both, feel uncomfortable around you. Which mean would mean less time together. Talking to your DIL directly, will probably strain relationships further. Your son already told you she gets upset with him when he brings it up to her. This allows us to reasonably predict how she will react to someone she's not life partners with, asking the same of her.
You get more bees with honey, so try that approach for a while. Have only positive-sounding interactions. Put on a happy face, and it will attract more happiness.
Keep inviting them for this or that in a very low pressure way. (One invite at a time). Be flexible about days and dates. It could be better to invite them over for a casual supper or cookout than for a specific holiday. If what you want most is to spend
time with them, and to host them, keep that idea in mind. "Shrimp on the barbie" on a Saturday or Sunday or Wednesday night, is honestly as good as any "official holiday". Try to keep perspective,
time together is time together.
The easier you make it to have good times you all have together, the more good time you will have.
Try not to show anger or dissappointment with them if they decline the "official holidays." You can come here to vent that!
Great advice!!!!! I love this....always act as if everything is all right. I like that....this way, no matter what is said or done, you get to keep her respect and his too. I guess no one wants to talk to anyone who is always upset about something they did.
I love this because if I could go back and not react to anything she said or did to me, I would. I would act like nothing was wrong. Thanks again, Cat
Hiya Right Back Atcha,
Well, my experience is that most of us have no idea that these dynamics may hit and that the battle for supremacy may begin with the marriage. Many a loving MIL has been left for dead on the battlefield of a war she didn't even know was being waged. And even sadder, had she known...the results would have been the same. Sometimes the DIL needs no help and sometimes her mother is the General in Charge.
I always want to add that the reverse can be true and the DIL and her family can be great and it's the MIL who is bonkers and takes everyone down with her. The need for supremacy has no specific boundaries that I can see. And OMG, once in a while it's both!
You wrote something like..."This is not what I expected." I did a seminar a hundred years ago that taught that unfulfilled expectations are at the bottom of all upsets; great and small. What I personally expected...was an extended family and I was foolish enough to think "the more the merrier." That could happen but we can't expect it to.
If insecurity is factored in or something of a more serious nature like an undetected personality disorder...the shifting sands of in-lawing can rapidly turn to quick sand. If it's not something we did, we can't repair it. I hate that most of all because I have always thought that compassion, mutual respect and negotiation meant something.
I loved the suggestions made here regarding flexibility and creating new traditions. And it may not be as bad as it seems. It could quiet down as roles are defined. Conversely, it could get worse. This is a tell-it-as-we-see-it forum. I think what many of us are seeing in your post is red flags all over the place.
How true, how true....unfulfilled expectations brought me down totally. I needed a family in the worst way.
I have absolute great news! My sister just found out she is pregnant!
Well just the other day my sister was extremely irritated (with business stuff) and her Mother in law came over and she could sense the irritation. Well her MIL phone the next day and wanted to know if everything was ok-if she said or did anything wrong, my sister was stunned, but they talked it through, and my sister explained that she was irritated, for different reasons. Well my sister and her MIL has a great relationship, I think it is due to communication. If only my MIL would think about the things she says and does, and be a bit more sensitive. I would love if she phoned me and asked if everything was all right.
But that is just me. And it is true what Luise says, that every situation is different. And you would know best. Our thoughts are only that- our thoughts.
My mother also changed their traditions to accommodate everyone. And I also think that was a great idea!
congratulations to your sister!!
Regarding what her MIL said? I am working on thinking about what is said and done could be THEM, not a reaction to me! OY VEY!!
CAT - Thanks for taking so much time to respond to my post and actually give me some advice from a DIL point of view. If only I had found this site sooner or before I even knew I needed it things might have been different.
In my case, I am a definate "people pleaser" I often feel responsibile when I am not even involved. I have no issue admitting I am wrong and very sensitive to the moods of others. I never knew my DIL had a problem with me before she was gone. (In my case I only met her a few times before they cut me off). I did apologize. I tried calling DIL to ask if we could talk and she would not take my calls. I tried writing to her to let her know that I wanted to take repsonsibility and ask for forgiveness, and got no response. I traveled to see her and basically begged them to tell me what I needed to do to get a second chance, and it got my son abandoned on the interstate for letting me in the house.
The time my son came to town was for a birthday party on a Friday night and they stayed until Sunday. I live maybe 10 minutes from her mother and my son had never come to town and not stopped by before. It felt like I got kicked in the stomach when he told me, but after I told him how I felt I changed the subject and talked about other things. I managed to get off the phone before I started crying.
I would like to think if I had it to do again I would have said anything but then again hind site is 20/20. I was never given the chance to do or say anything after that incident because my DIL never spoke to me again. The last time I saw her was at church with my son, her mother, and my Granddaughter. When I waved at my son, he reluctantly acknowledged me with a slight wave of his hand down by his leg. DIL saw it and gave him the "look of death" and immediately threw a blanket over my grandbaby so I couldn't see her.
I tried everything I knew to do and the last I heard my son doesn't even acknowledge he has a mom. So when I saw this post from Grimkin I just wanted to say all those things I wish I had known. I never dreamed in a million years this would/could happen to me. This was a young man I adored and who would hug me by wrapping his long arms (6'8") around me lifting me up off the ground while grinning and laughing. The same young man that would call my other week or so just to tell me how he was doing in school or at his job. It was not in my head that my son loved me, it was in my heart. So for anyone that thinks this can't happen to them I say "please wake up."
Sorry to all of you who have heard all this before. Sometimes it just pours out of me.
Hi, Grimkin!
I hope we haven't scared you off..... and I hope we've given some answers to you, though I am afraid we're probably not giving you the answers you'd like to hear.... practical advise on how to talk to your son and DIL.
IMHO, there really isn't any practical advice that can be given. In some cases, it's a long and painful process....but this is a great place to find out how others are doing this and what is working for them. It's slow and one size does not fit all!
What I am finding very useful is listening to what the DIL's are thinking and doing because it gives me a different perspective on the whole scene.
I have been stuck for a long time looking at my sons' marriages and youngest son's relationship from MY perspective. And I then would react to things they (either the couple, my sons or their women) did from my limited perspective. Which, of course, is very one-sided and therefore leaves out a lot of the story!
Putting aside the conflict going on with one DIL -- which is what brought me here, and so was the catalyst to opening my eyes - I'm coming to realize a couple of things.
One is that I am (alas) "backdrop" in their lives right now. I'm nowhere as important in their lives as they are in mine. This isn't some personal vendetta or plot, though at times it feels that way. Or even if it is, I interpret it as a part of a process that's going on, not a permanent condition.
Second is that I really need to get myself a life and I'm working on this. I went through "giving up my sons" as they graduated from hs (I have one more to go!). That was a big transition, I cried and mourned because it was the "death" of our old way of relating and changed our relationships.
I didn't really realize that their marriages were another "death" -- that's what I'm dealing with now, and boy, is it painful! To deal with it I keep reminding myself this (hopefully) will just mean our relationship changes, not ends. I'm not liking how it is changing. And I have to keep the bitterness out of my relationship with my youngest son -- I look at him and think " Uh huh, you're next."
For me, this seems to be a part of life. Hopefully not being left out of their lives forever, but some kind of change. Still going through it, not sure exactly what all this entails.
I don't like it. Sometimes I feel incredibly sad. Sometimes I feel really angry. Sometimes I feel abandoned. Sometimes I feel like running away and saying, "don't call me, I'll call you." I'm trying to find other ways to deal with this -- making funny cards, talking to friends in rl, coming to this board and reading posts from others. Waiting and filling my life with other things.
My style of course won't work for others. I think we all have our own way of coping with the pain. And our own ways of dealing with our kids and their spouses. It's trial and error, because common sense doesn't always seem to work!
Listening to each other without judging, being open to ideas and other ways, giving support and comfort to how others are trying to deal with this.. that works for me.
Hope you find this forum as helpful as many of us have!
Welcome! :D
Dear Lostone,
Your personality type is exactly like mine, down to a tee. I knew of no other way of 'being' except the way I learned as a child to be because of how I was raised (another story). I'd give my last dime, arm, anything to anyone and never thought a second about it.
It never occured to me, ever that my son, my precious son, the best guy on earth would let an insecure girl tear our home apart. He seems like a bumbling idiot around her, always jumping at the least thing she might do.
There is no way to describe a Mother's pain when we lose that love we had. I wish I had never reacted to anything she did now. I didn't understand 16 years ago that she was insecure, since I was a total pushover, people pleaser. No one had ever not liked me before that I knew of. Course, I was totally falling all over myself doing everything for everyone so why should they not like me?
Leaving your son stranded on a freeway? Lostone, somehow that seems like she's more than insecure, she seems more than a little crazy. Was she that way before he married her? Did you notice anything before?
unfulfilled expectations
It isn't really that I have expectations, I just think when spending time with your in-laws it should be a sense of responsibility. It just isn't a polite thing to do to ignore your spouses family for whatever reason. When I first became a daughter-in-law, I didn't much like my mother-in-law, for good reasons. I set my problems aside with her and made sure if my hubbies family had plans we attended whatever function was planned. Never did my own mother try and disrupt my husbands families plans, in fact my mother would ask "has <hubby>'s family said what their plans are yet for the holidays?" Usually we always planned around each other without a hitch. There was always a sense of tension but I overcame it due to feeling I had a responsibility to my husbands family to socialize with them.
I think that is what is missing in my daughter-in-law, responsibility. Her mother is like this as well, she has no sense of anyone else in her family other than her own. When kids marry you inherit a "step" family whether you like it or not and have responsibilities that follow along with that. I mean that is just the polite way to handle things. At least that is how I was raised watching my own mother have issues with my fathers mother. You knew it was an issue but it was never accentuated upon as being relevant.
Dear Grimkin,
I think that's what we're all dealing with in some way. We did what was called for in that we did whatever was necessary to maintain family relationships, no matter how much we might not like it.
The women of today don't do that. Maybe it's because we're more mobile now and maybe it's that women are working outside the home and don't have the time.
I think the extended family is becoming less and less necessary for their feeling whole. They prefer their friends many times over family. People move a lot more and new friendships are built that seem like family to them. They don't have to put up with any bad stuff with them. If they tire of the friends, they move on.
It's your family who will be there, though, when trouble comes. We don't run off when hard times come. It's a changing time and we're caught in the middle. It's hard.
I have seen in other places the explanation for today's woman that she's busy because she works outside the house, as if that's something new. That might have been new in the 70's, but not today. I'm 61 and have worked full time forever (sigh) out of necessity more than desire.... I think I had a year off in 1969 and two years off from 1973-1975, but pretty much, that's been it....
It's true today, but nothing new... both spouses working, I know people are exhausted after a long day at work.
One of the things I've also heard is that people have so much to do -- packed schedules, especially with kids. And then in one of my son's families, there are several families involved.... Four in-law families from previous marriages and divorce and remarriage. Yikes!
Would that then perhaps be like an expectation for her to feel responsible for certain things?
I know for myself, personally, I actually get quite uneasy if I even suspect someone is spending time with me out of a sense of responsibility. I don't want to be someone's obligation. I want to be their joy. I want to be able to feel like I make someone feel good, and feel like that's the reason they are spending time with me. But then, I have been called a "pleaser" more than once, and not always in a positive way.
No, its certainly not polite to ignore someone you love's family. Its not very loving towards your spouse, imho. She does not appear to feel the sense of duty you may have expected her to feel, if we will :-\. So, at this point, if there are any reasons you think she might be uncomfortable spending time with your family, your best bet might be to work on those, if at all possible. Make time togther as pleasant an experience as possible for them both.
Inviting her family to join yours is such a loving gesture that you've already made. Maybe a vegetarian meal if she is vegetarian. Avoid topics you think might cause her discomfort. Try hard not to let your disappointment with her come through in deed or tone. Use honey to attract those bees!
Lostone please dont apologize for your post. My eyes teared up when I read it. I feel the love and pain in your heart. I just know that you're a good gal! I hate to say this and I've never said this on here, but maybe your son will see how tacky his wife is and maybe then won't stay married. That's probably a crappy way to think but leaving him on the side of the road is just plain abusive. I wonder if that happens more often than we think because I remember my sister did that same thing to her high school boyfriend and he walked to a phone or something. But that's the way she is very fruity. Later in her life she diagnosed with bipolar and borderline personality disorder.
I just think that in a situation like this, if you're religious, all you can do is pray for your son's eyes to be opened. And if I could give you big hug I would!
Just2be....you are precious. So encouraging. :)
I agree! Another karma + ;D
That is so enlightening...I can see that even the fact that people began isolating themselves from the outside world in small ways at first, this shift your speaking of started.
When the world became air conditioned for instance, we closed our windows, making us less accountable to our neighbors. (we once needed to be made to behave so we wouldn't get a bad reputation in our small groups)
Now, we can disappear into the crowd and become anonymous anytime we choose. I think this causes us to behave in ways not known in times past.
Our communication here is a form of this in that we are using false names and really are totally unknown to those we're speaking with.
There has been a huge shift in society and although it happened, it's not all good.
No more small groups where are reputations are important to us.
AB - you said "I'm nowhere as important in their lives as they are in mine." That seems profound to me. I never thought of it that way...but they are going forward into the future and we may be going backward into the past. We talk about their childhhood...because there is no present. This is giving me a lot to think about.
The women of today don't do that. Maybe it's because we're more mobile now and maybe it's that women are working outside the home and don't have the time.
Chick - I think you may have hit the nail on the head. Women of my generation and other generations are burning the candle at both ends. And I'm sure some parents feel that their own adult kids don't visit them enough. I know my mom was a stay at home mom and did all the mother stuff etc.. the planning for get to gethers. I don't have kids but my generation is trying to juggle kids and careers, time for themselves etc. For the healthy DIL's that don't visit family enough I think that's probably the reason. But the MIL's on this site I think its more than that. Deep insecurity on some the DIL's part. Or some of the DIL's feel resentment, like "oh I've worked all week, did 10 loads of laundry and changed 20 poopy diapers, the last thing on my mind is see the IL's." I bet that's a common thinking pattern among DIL's.
I tell you too that my husband works all week and he NEVER goes to visit my mom. He has to have his relaxation time. That's extremely important to him. A matter fact he likes it when I work Saturday's, like I am today, so he can have his "alone time" Just thought that would be a good thought to throw out there in case for some of you that could be the reason why your kids don't visit as much as you want. :D
Quote from: luise.volta on September 11, 2009, 07:59:38 PM
AB - you said "I'm nowhere as important in their lives as they are in mine." That seems profound to me. I never thought of it that way...but they are going forward into the future and we may be going backward into the past. We talk about their childhhood...because there is no present. This is giving me a lot to think about.
That is so profound and very possibly true.
I know things are different today. It's just the way things are...we were busy, even if we didn't work outside the home. Neither of my DILs work outside the home. We gave our sons the best education money could buy. They are professionals and only the finest things matter to one of them. The other one is not that interested in the finer things but mostly in giving to others. He is such a wonderful man. His wife is the distant DIL.
She brought him focus, though. I know that's what he needed, someone to tell him which turn to take. She's good at it, too. Extraordinarily bossy. Something that naturally turns me off.
This is all very interesting. Every time we say "should" we are dealing with expectations and when we are kind and think it's a wise way to go...it's easy to expect that others agree. Not necessarily so.
The social commentary is also pertinent. The way society is shifting has got to be felt at its core...which is the family. (I hope.)
From my perspective, old people suffer, too, from the lack of the cohesive family units and consistent family interactions (get-togethers.) As families isolate and scatter...old people can find themselves out on a limb. The solution for me has been to create an extended family of like-minded peers in a "retirement community." Then family can come and go without concern.
I think that's an excellent idea, Luise....the creating a family within your retirement community. It's really the best way to deal with the new ways. It's all we can do.
Some of these friendships can be more of a blessing than family members are. Some of the family members really wouldn't be chosen if they weren't family members.
The new notion of "it's not my responsibility" is one I'll never get used to hearing but I hear every younger than I am person, say it. Nothing seems to be their responsibility. It's a new concept that neither of my kids got from us.
I think it's a shame. Older people have so much still to give. Their love, their memories, their wisdom is something that cannot be replaced. I can't believe younger people feel this way since I adored the people who raised me and would give anything in the world just to see them once again.
I will, though.
Well, I honestly feel that the days of old people being their children's "responsibility" are mostly over (at least in our Western culture) and I'm glad. There's a lot of "stuff" that goes with that in most instances.
I think we should make our own decisions and use our own resources and that there's a lot more room in that framework for relaxed and enjoyable relationships with our adult kids.
We have a lot of options. My closest friend who just died lived in a retirement community that cost her $4,000. a month for independent living. I live in one that costs $1,045. for the two of us and if and when Val's passes, will cost me $500. There are lots of ways to figure out how to do it...based on your income and resources or lack thereof. Others taking responsibility can bring obligation and that can foul the waters.
On my soap box again...Oh, oh...
I didn't mean financial responsiblity.
OK, I can get that. That's usually where it surfaces but not always. There are other areas where the aging can also be responsible; for their peace of mind, activities, sense of self-worth. etc. Then when they are showered with love, they're not coming from a place of being needy. I'm just suggesting a "you're responsible for you and I"m responsible for me" base. Does that make sense?
Yes, it does, of course. That's what I meant.
The reason I got into the financial thing is probably obvious; that is our greatest issue.
We have people who want to solve it for us, but, thankfully, they aren't in a position to do that that so it's not a problem.
The only person who could, never would, ;D
The question I have is, how do I ask my dil to ask her mother not to do that or at least find a way for us all to have equal time with our kids. I've talked to my son about it quite a few times and he always remarks that our dil gets upset if he questions why they always have to do things with her family and not leave any time for his.
Hi Grimkin.
Making time for each side of the family in a balanced and fair manner can be quite a challenge for newly married. Both the son and the daughter used to spend time with their own families but having married one another they now have their own separate family unit and on top of that their own parents and parents of the spouse. So they literally have three sides to take into consideration in terms of who and how much time, holidays etc to spend with the woman's parents, man's parents and themselves.
In order to be fair and balanced (gee that sounds like FOX News :D!) I started a calendar. I marked down every single occasion I spent with my hubby's family and my side of the family. Almost like an inventory. That way I could bring some objectivity into the matter and show the facts. That was also important for my own self-evaluation, to know whether I was fair or unfair. I think it is unrealistic to expect that every single holiday will be spent with one side of the family. There are now 3 parties and all have to compromise. It is a matter of negotiation and collecting the facts and presenting them in a clear manner might help you in getting your point across. I don't know your relationship with you DIL's mother but would it be thinkable if you contacted her ahead of time and negotiated the distribution of time. Like, "I would love to do Thanksgiving" "if you could do Xmas". Things like that. Just so that nobody feels totally left out and you all benefit. I am sure there is a solution that would be win-win to all.
Alice -- I like this calendar idea.
There are times when I feel left out... my 2nd DIL must keep some kind of calendar, she's an incredible person! My 2nd son and she have three sets of in-laws to balance... my self, her parents, his other parents (my ex and his wife). In addition she's got a child from a previous marriage, so they are also trying to match when we all get to see our shared grandson. :( because that brings in another set of parents.
She really does an awesome job .... yesterday at the son's b-day party (full of little boys running around playing and having a wild time) it was almost everyone, including her ex's ex-wife and their son (her son's half brother, who we all include in holidays ...she baby sits for him sometimes, too). The only ones not there were my ex and his wife, and that only because they are 600 miles away.
Everytime I start to whine that I don't see them enough, I'm going to remember yesterday! She should get DIL of the year award, lol...
My experience is that personalities play into this strongly. I have n "EX" DIL who comes with her second husband on EVERY holiday so we won't be alone. (My son and his wife live in another state and are only here mid-June to mid-Oct. and miss most holidays.)
She has kids and grand kids of her own and they all accommodate to the Saturday before or after each holiday and agree that we should come first. (Travel is a thing of the past for my guy.)
Then there's his son and his DIL who live about the same distance away (50 miles) and who prefer gatherings to be at their place. They invite us...case closed.
I find it interesting that one person sees us as a priority and isn't even actually related any more and another is not sensitive to the fact that his dad is 98 and frail. Go figure!
The solution for me has been to create an extended family of like-minded peers in a "retirement community." Then family can come and go without concern. From Luise
Some of these friendships can be more of a blessing than family members are. Some of the family members really wouldn't be chosen if they weren't family members. From Chickiebaby
I agree with both of these statements. I know I've told this before but there's this sweet lady in my neighborhood. Her husband died a few years ago and she had no kids due to infertility but she stays active. She has a friend her age that she travels with.
I also had certain expectations for my family. I envisioned family get togethers, BBQ's etc., and children of my own but that's not to be either due to bad ovaries But instead I got rejection from my IL's and drug problems and other crazy behaviors in my family and no children of my own. And believe me I spent time off and on feeling different emotions about this, but then after listening to Joel Osteen quit a bit I've tried to have a different outlook. I have a sweet supportive hubby, a nice home, a job I like that's not stressful, and since we couldn't have children then we have money to travel so we try to do go places a few times a year.
And to what Chickie said there are family members in my family that I would never pick to be my friends.
Thanks everyone for giving me renewed hope about not having a close family. I have been known to worry about growing older with little to no family but why can't we create our own?? ;D ;D ;D
Absolutely! (to all the statements about creating our own)
My youngest son's favorite part of Christmas is a gathering we do with my two best friends and their families... seven "kids" now ages 17 to 24 (not including my two older sons, who don't attend this), three women ages 50 - 61 and two men 50-62. We consider each other the sisters we don't have (I have one but.....) I love that my son says this is his favorite part of Christmas!
Oh, how lovely, A/B! :D