One of the most dissatisfying aspects of my relationship is that I have to ask for money to buy groceries and cleaning items etc. I do most of the cooking & cleaning, help with his and his mother's rentals and help with the farm chores (getting tired of some of this) and drive 40 miles to a market in my car on my gas. We live in his house. I moved out of mine which I rent out. Asking for money feels demeaning to me. I successfully supported myself for over 20 years and saved and spent money as I felt was judicious. Actually, I was known in my family as a tightwad. That has not changed in my relationship; I still am financially responsible. So after many attempts to discuss this with my partner of 23 years this has never been resolved. After I retired, I'm 67, my income is very small so considering all I do I felt he should pay for the food. His income is about 7 to 8 times mine which was always just above minimum wage (I was skilled but due to local economy there were few jobs in my field). I know there are couples who deal with this in an amicable manner but I don't really know how to approach it in some way that I will feel comfortable. I don't like asking for money weekly before or after a purchase. I want to know how to approach this so he doesn't feel threatened and/or I feel childlike. I have asked him to go grocery shopping with me but then he has an opinion on what I should buy when I am trying to put together a week's menu even though in one of my jobs I used to be a cook in a restaurant. I understand some people have an allowance which I haven't approached and would like some pointers. Other than asking for a per hour wage for all the things I do, which feels so cold, I'm not sure what to do that is fair. Sometimes it just feels easier to move out.
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I can't make any constructive comments to your post. My take is I would have been long gone, long ago. Sorry but I see the way you are being treated as much worse than hired help...slave labor comes to mind....but that's just me. I'm a little (or a lot) on the fiesty side. Hugs...
C, welcome to the site. There is much wisdom here, and I hope you find what you need so you can empower yourself.
You must be a very patient person to have put up with this for so long. It sounds like you've been "walking on eggshells" around your DH. What do you suppose would happen if you did approach him with your concerns? Would your well-being or safety be at stake?
Welcome, and I am also the independent feisty type so I can't help you either. Like Luise, I wouldn't have done it for 23 years. It does sound like you are an employee (without a stable wage) instead of a partner.
A memory has surfaced: I can see my mother...(a college graduate)...this was back in the early 1930s...painstakingly keeping 'household accounts' for my dad...(who was a teacher.) She often sat in obvious despair because she was a few pennies off and that was totally unacceptable. My dad was a wonderful guy...but...she could never have discussed his methods with him without being further belittled. I know it was the Great Depression but it also caused her endless stress and I see it now, as I pretty much did a child, as abuse. More common...80 years ago...of course. Most women were unpaid domestics in their own homes...but in 2014? Sending more hugs...
I would try telling him that I need my own money and if he cannot give you an allowance for the things you do on the farm that you will have to find an outside job and he can pay someone else to do the things you have been doing for free. I know...fiesty but it is probably what I would do. Other than that you could try just discussing how much alimony you "heard Jenny Sue was getting since she divorced her husband" or how much someone else was paying a farm hand to help or run errands.
Good luck!
Did I get it right that he is your partner/significant other...not your DH (dear husband?)
He is my domestic partner (DP?). I'm in California and from the little research I've done, I don't believe there is any "alimony" for a domestic partner. I'd prefer negotiating tips if there are any. And to all who responded, thank you for your ideas and support, any more thoughts are completely welcome!
It seems to me, from your first post, that you have tried negotiating. I think there has to be a willingness on DP's part to listen and to change. The routine sounds like it is deeply established, apparently to his satisfaction. That's probably more about him than you, so the ball may be in his court. At the same time, your choice to stay is more about you than him. One day you may decide to change...and let him know what that will require form him if he wants to keep you in his life. However, if you want to stay...make changes...and not be confrontive...that appears unrealistic to me. Continued hugs...
Well, after reading some other posts at this site, my problem seems pretty darn minor. This financial conundrum may be an indicator of some larger problem I have but not ready to face, I know I'm stubborn; I never was a good multitasker so baby steps work for me. I feel the people and experience on this site have helped me open a path to try. I'll try an allowance, start at $60 week, up the $ if it needs it, and see how that flies and how I feel about it. Then maybe I'll be able to face other issues. Thank you again for your wisdom and help.
Cindetta, you're problems are no less or greater than anyone else's. We all have legitimate problems, some smaller....some bigger....but they all feel the same. Hurtful.
I really do wish I could offer more advice, but I'm afraid all of my thoughts would come out very "not supportive" of the relationship because I truly can not see myself in your position. All of what you said sounds very demeaning to me.
I did like SL's suggestion. I do know friends where they do this and it works well. Stay at home Mom that handles all the bills, groceries, children clothes, etc. She has a checking account and he automatically deposits a set amount weekly from his account into hers so she can do all of that without asking for money. She says it's more like receiving a pay check than an allowance and that way, she controls it.
Pooh, I love that one...and it isn't his bank...and the statement only comes to her. YES! :-)
I think I may be repeating myself here and it sounds like you got enough to help you take the next step, Cindetta, so I am closing this thread. Please feel free to post again when you wish and comment to help others out. A closed thread only means we have probably completed the subject for the time being. And one more hug! :-)