My MIL asked to keep my daughter(4 yr) Saturday and Sunday. I said yes, packed her bag and sent her off.
Sunday night came and went and my daughter was not brought home. So Monday morning, I called MIL and she said my daughter was at her mother's(GMIL). Husband and I were not told she was going there. But MIL stated she would bring her that evening. It is now Tuesday 1 pm. My daughter is not home and I have not heard from MIL or GMIL. Now, I have a temper in situations like these. >:(
My first thought is to call the police and tell them my daughter is being held without my consent.
Anyone have a more rational approach?
P.s. MIL has no accountability. So a polite sit down won't work.
QuoteSo Monday morning, I called MIL and she said my daughter was at her mother's(GMIL).
Question: why did you not go and get her on Sunday evening? If the child was not home by bedtime, then a telephone call and/or visit would have been prudent and/or expected.
However - I think step one would be to telephone your GMIL. Depending upon her answer would be the decision for step two. By the way - temper tantrums solve nothing except to prove one to be immature and/or irrational.
Let us know how step one turned out ....
I think I would ask for a police escort to go get her (to make a point) and then set a boundary that they come to visit...she doesn't go there, again, ever! Sending love...
Question: why did you not go and get her on Sunday evening? If the child was not home by bedtime, then a telephone call and/or visit would have been prudent and/or expected.
I wasn't alarmed Sunday night. Though I have a temper when upset it takes a lot to upset me. This was me not making a big deal of one mistake. It being Tuesday, I now feel its a big deal. But I'm not sure how to handle it.
Husband called MIL and daughter is with her, she told him she will bring her home tonight. Taking into account MIL doesn't respond to talks well. What is an appropriate game plan?
The more I think about it...the more I think my first response was too hasty. It's not a police matter...you allowed it. You waited all day yesterday for the return of your daughter which was scheduled for the night before. I probably would have tracked her down and gone to get her Sunday evening. Anger doesn't need to be your motivation...she was supposed to be back home and no one asked you if she could be taken from point A to point B. You're the mom...my take is to go get her and close the door on any more of this, not out of becoming upset, but because it's your job.
Oh, good news! I think my game plan would be to close the door on further visits. Going through this once would be more than enough, for me. If you don't have any kind of a working relationship with MIL...to have DD in the middle of that isn't a safe venue.
Yeah no I agree that it isn't a police matter. That's why I came here or believe me, l would've called long ago. I disagree that I allowed it. Because I am a SAHM, she could have brought her back at 10 or 11 Sunday and it would have been fine. Husband & I literally fell asleep waiting but not upset. Thats why the call didn't go out until next morning.
A lot of MIL's complain their DIL is controlling, rude, keeps kids away, etc.
For me I let my DD spend weekends with her GP's, I don't have any rules except her peanut allergy & let us know where they take her. And I don't go jump and track her down an hour past bedtime. I think time with GP is special and I don't intrude on that. I figure what will one weekend every other month of candy and late nights
really hurt her? But previous posts are making me feel like I give too much??
The beauty of WWU is that you can be heard, take in what rings true to you and pass on the rest. I think it's the title of your post that threw me off. I just didn't get that you were OK with her being brought back late or the next day, after reading that. Glad all is well.
It sounds to me like you have a very easygoing reign on the week end visits. Your MIL may have stretched things before without any problems so she thinks that what she did this time will be ok also. I think cutting her off entirely might be an over-reaction. I hope you have expressed to her that you were worried and less than pleased with her not getting permission before she kept your DD longer than she was supposed to. Next time she calls for your DD to visit you should tell her that you are unsure because of what happened this time. If she reacts defensively then keep your DD home until the rules are clear and you feel confident that your MIL will get permission before she does anything outside of the things you have approved.
I agree that grandparents are very important. They are the concrete proof of the continuity of family. I hope you and she can work out a comfortable solution for everyone's sake.
Stilllearning...wish they had a like button here. :)
Well said SL & Ms. Louise.
OP, you sound like a wonderful DIL and Mother. I also believe you should tell her you were worried!
Also you need a phone call in the future about stuff like this in order for you to feel "ok" with DD going again. Good Luck
Time to change the title on this one. Sending love...
That was going to be my question. While I think what your MIL is doing is rude simply because I would have called Mom and asked if I could keep her longer, I was wondering since you do seem so easygoing with MIL if she has the impression that you wouldn't care if she kept her a couple of extra days? Not that I agree with her thinking, I just feel we set patterns with people sometimes without even knowing we are doing it just because of our behaviors.
If this has never been an issue or talked about in the past, then I can't see cutting her off. I see having a conversation with her about the boundaries and the rules and seeing if she abides by it next time. If she does it again after that, then I would not let another visit occur. Now if you have had this conversation already, then I would be going to get my daughter and not wait on her and let her know that from now on, there will be no more unsupervised visits since she can't follow your requests.
So did DD get home last Tuesday? I'm reading through the thread and wondering what happened.
I don't think you'd be too hasty in cutting off overnights in the future. MIL said she'd bring DD home Mon evening, then Tuesday afternoon she still wasn't home! That boggles my mind. Not having overnight visits is not cutting the GM out of DD's life. There are plenty of GPs who never keep a GC overnight or never babysit during the day who still have close, loving relationships with their GC. It comes down to what you are comfortable. I would have been spittin' bricks Sunday night when it got to bedtime and she wasn't home. You're a bit more laidback about it (probably good for your blood pressure). If you are comfortable with continued overnight visits more power to you. But if you aren't, don't feel guilty about it. Good luck.
I so meant to update this thread. Yes she did come home Tuesday. DH & I have decided is to be crystal clear with her each time. So yes DD can go but she needs to be in by 8 pm Sunday. Additionally we're limiting the time betwen visits to one overnight visit every other month. The root problem is MIL has no daughters and my DD is DH spitting image. MIL has an unhealthy attachment to her. She does not display these behaviors with my DS, who looks like me. In fact she never asks to keep DS, another days thread. So yes that's where we are.
Good for you! To bad you can't say that she can come again after DS has been there but that wouldn't be fair to him.
May not be fair, but I did do that to my Ex MIL.
She always favored my oldest son and would ask him to spend the night constantly. She never took the youngest saying she couldn't handle them both at the same time. I finally told her that I understood she couldn't handle them both, but she needed to alternate then as the youngest wanted to know why he never got to go. She made a face but did take him the next time. Then after she took the oldest again, she tried to slide in and take him again and I told her it was younger ones turn. She started arguing saying no, no, I took him last. I assured her she didn't and her choice was either to alternate them, or none at all.
It's wasn't long after that, she magically decided she couldn't handle both. :)
Pooh I actually think that's more than fair. I would love to do that. The only issue is DS has never stayed with her. So now he cries if he even thinks we're leaving him with DH parents. So now MIL is putting it on DS, saying he doesn't like her. He just started the crying thing this year. He's 3 1/2. I'd love to hear an excuse for the first 3 years. Note neither DS nor DD cry with my parents, they take them both.
She's done that totally to herself because of not taking him since he was younger. I tend to get snarky when people don't take responsibility for their actions (yeah, yeah...I know...not nice). If my Ex MIL had told me that my YS didn't like her, I would have answered, "No...no he doesn't." :)
It breaks my heart when I see children being favored over other children by the same family member. I've seen this in action and felt it with my kids and so I am thankful to know better.
Some kids are more difficult than others - boys want to do boy things and girls....girl things.
Just so unfair to let them see that one is liked or cared for more than the other.