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General Category => Grab Bag => Topic started by: cremebrulee on August 17, 2010, 09:41:43 AM

Title: What to do?
Post by: cremebrulee on August 17, 2010, 09:41:43 AM
I'd like to open this thread for discussion...for anyone, as I'm not quit sure what to do.

First, I'm honest to a fault....that has been said of me, since I was little....as my foster mother was the same way...and I do step on toes by being honest and do apologize for that if I've hurt anyone's feelings.

Here is my question....

Women come in here and tell they're story....and we all rally to them with support...however, support doesn't always mean to me, that you tell people what they want to hear...sometimes in order to support someone, I think it's necessary to be honest with them....if it insults them, then they are not looking for help....Will it hurt them, probably, b/c the hardest thing is to admit to our faults...but in order to change, or make a situation better, we must take ownership in our misgivings....and we all have them....we've all made mistakes and will continue to do so...for the rest of our lives...

I dunno, I'm the kind of person, if I step on toes, I want you to be honest with me, and let me know I've hurt our feelings, so we can talk it out. 

I do know, to, that we cannot see each other's faces...therefore, it's harder because we all take words the wrong way....depending on our moods, emotions and sensibility, along with what happened to us before we came in here....

I believe this is a very successful forum...and there have been gals who came in this forum who only came into vent....they didn't want advise, they wanted only to gain approval for they're behavior....or to have people rally around saying "you did good" when in fact they didn't. 

I've noted by reading other posts in here, there are girls who feel the same way as I do, they are honest...they are not trying to hurt anyone's feelings...but when you post a thread asking for help, you may not always get the help you wanted....however, that is why I love this forum so much, b/c I know, if I'm wrong, someone is going to let me know so....and that's good....that's only how we learn and change.

We all read words differently and what some may deem as harsh words, others may see as totally different and supportive...it depends on the individual....

So what I'm saying is....perhaps it might be a good idea to suggest this in the rules...that while we here are supportive, and open minded, we may not always say what you want to hear, but we will tell you honestly how we see the situation? 

again, please remember, we all read things differently, and I do honestly believe, everyone is here to help, but what I am not is a kissy face huggy bear type when someone outright states in they're post, something that is wrong...?  I can't do that? 

so the poster should be forewarned...
Please don't take things that are written as a personal attack but more like constructive criticism
And if you are simply looking for validation and not correcting the problem, you may not get that from everyone here.

I don't know, what do all of you think?

Am I wrong...and do know, I understand there is a way of writing things so as not to hurt feelings, however, there is a way that certain people perceive writings as wrong, when they are simply not meant to be...and I understand, sometimes, it depends on our moods, how we are feeling that day...but honestly, I don't believe I've seen anyone here in this forum intentionally try and hurt someone....

I would really appreciate your input....and advice

Creme

Title: Re: What to do?
Post by: Pooh on August 17, 2010, 09:54:27 AM
I totally agree with you on this.  But I think there has to be a line between constructive criticism and deconstructive criticism.  This is one of my favorite quotes and I don't remember where I read it, so sorry I can't give credit.

"You can't operate your life by fear, because the way to eliminate fear is to avoid criticism. And the way to avoid criticism is to do nothing."
Title: Re: What to do?
Post by: miss_priss on August 17, 2010, 10:00:32 AM
Creme - I think you're on to something, and I'm honest to a fault too.  My DH calls me "Captain Callout" for a reason.  I don't mean anything by it, but I will always be honest and tell you what I draw from a post.  If you ask me "does this outfit look ok?" and I say "no, not really.  You should probably go change into something else," don't fault me...you asked. 

I know I would value that "brutally honest" person even more, because they cared enough about me to not let me go out looking stupid.  But that's just me.  Not everyone can appreciate that I'm sure, some people just want to hear what they want to hear to make themselves feel better.  Those people just want someone to tell them "you're right," but what have they really gained???   
Title: Re: What to do?
Post by: cremebrulee on August 17, 2010, 10:07:36 AM
Quote from: Pooh on August 17, 2010, 09:54:27 AM
I totally agree with you on this.  But I think there has to be a line between constructive criticism and deconstructive criticism.  This is one of my favorite quotes and I don't remember where I read it, so sorry I can't give credit.

"You can't operate your life by fear, because the way to eliminate fear is to avoid criticism. And the way to avoid criticism is to do nothing."

Think you know I totally agree with you....we have to try to be realistic and want change so badly we are willing to accept our ownerships...however, there are those who are teribly hurt by honesty.....or see honestly as being unkind or to tough?  I dunno? 

Title: Re: What to do?
Post by: cremebrulee on August 17, 2010, 10:08:57 AM
Quote from: miss_priss on August 17, 2010, 10:00:32 AM
Creme - I think you're on to something, and I'm honest to a fault too.  My DH calls me "Captain Callout" for a reason.  I don't mean nything by it, but I will always be honest.  If you ask me "does this outfit look ok?" and I say "no, not really.  You should probably go change into something else," don't fault me...you asked. 

I know I would value that "brutally honest" person even more, because they cared enough about me to not let me go outside looking like a fool.

I'm the exact same way, if I ask, I want you to tell me....however, others view this as wrong...they want to be lied to and I can't do that....I can't....and if someone posts something that is really out of line, I won't reply for fear of seeming angry or writing someting that later I would be sorry for....and I do think most agree?

In order for this site to be helpful, supportive and productive, sometimes, we're going to hear things that we don't necessarily want to hear...however, it isn't meant as a personal attack....it's tough love and posted thru our own experiences....and we're not always going to be right...however, hence the multiple memberships, ideas and input....

Luise, what do you think?  How would you like to see things happen, I guess is what I mean....what would be the best way to handle this situation? 





Title: Re: What to do?
Post by: Pooh on August 17, 2010, 10:19:54 AM
I am also brutally honest about things and that is why my friends like to take me shopping with them.  I like people that are upfront, honest and don't beat around the bush.  But that is my personality. 

I have also learned over the years that some people aren't looking for answers, just want to be heard.  I don't have to lie to them, but I don't have to beat up on them any more than they are are already beating themselves.  I am not talking about the people that just want to hear that "they are right" when they are not.  I am talking about those that are just in pain, conflict or turmoil and just need someone to listen.  Just being validated that someone hears them goes a long way.

When my hubby vents about his day, sometimes he is looking for advice, sometimes he just wants to be heard and is not asking me to fix anything.  I think you develop that sense when you get to know someone, but on a forum, that is difficult because you truly don't know the person and don't know what they need.  I try to get a sense by their thread which one it is. I am sure I am off the mark and post advice on some that just need to be heard, and don't post on some that want advice.  I think we all do the best we can and as long as everyone keeps in mind that everyone has good intentions, it seems to work.
Title: Re: What to do?
Post by: cremebrulee on August 17, 2010, 10:24:23 AM
Quote from: Pooh on August 17, 2010, 10:19:54 AM
I am also brutally honest about things and that is why my friends like to take me shopping with them.  I like people that are upfront, honest and don't beat around the bush.  But that is my personality. 

I have also learned over the years that some people aren't looking for answers, just want to be heard.  I don't have to lie to them, but I don't have to beat up on them any more than they are are already beating themselves.  I am not talking about the people that just want to hear that "they are right" when they are not.  I am talking about those that are just in pain, conflict or turmoil and just need someone to listen.  Just being validated that someone hears them goes a long way.

When my hubby vents about his day, sometimes he is looking for advice, sometimes he just wants to be heard and is not asking me to fix anything.  I think you develop that sense when you get to know someone, but on a forum, that is difficult because you truly don't know the person and don't know what they need.  I try to get a sense by their thread which one it is. I am sure I am off the mark and post advice on some that just need to be heard, and don't post on some that want advice.  I think we all do the best we can and as long as everyone keeps in mind that everyone has good intentions, it seems to work.

ahhhh yes, you've made some very good points....I agree pooh...especially this part...and I for one, need to remember this....

I have also learned over the years that some people aren't looking for answers, just want to be heard.  I don't have to lie to them, but I don't have to beat up on them any more than they are are already beating themselves.  I am not talking about the people that just want to hear that "they are right" when they are not.  I am talking about those that are just in pain, conflict or turmoil and just need someone to listen.  Just being validated that someone hears them goes a long way.

Thank you for this

Title: Re: What to do?
Post by: Orly on August 17, 2010, 10:38:05 AM
You ladies are talking my talk.  I'm blunt...sometimes brutally so..those are the days I don't post.   Other posts that just need an "IVY", I tend to let the more compassionate of the group take care of.   
Title: Re: What to do?
Post by: Pooh on August 17, 2010, 10:52:50 AM
So that's the little devil you refer to Orly!   :P

And by the way, you all have total permission to let me have it anytime that I am totally off-base! 
Title: Re: What to do?
Post by: cremebrulee on August 17, 2010, 10:58:10 AM
Quote from: Orly on August 17, 2010, 10:38:05 AM
You ladies are talking my talk.  I'm blunt...sometimes brutally so..those are the days I don't post.   Other posts that just need an "IVY", I tend to let the more compassionate of the group take care of.

thanks Orly, that is good advice....

Title: Re: What to do?
Post by: Orly on August 17, 2010, 10:59:18 AM
Sorry Pooh, 
The little devil's nickname is "blunt"...."brutal" is the dragon curled up on the floor at my feet.  AND people do not want to see it raise it head up over my shoulder.  "shudder" I'm not at all happy when it makes an appearance, either.
Title: Re: What to do?
Post by: Sunny1 on August 17, 2010, 11:06:18 AM
Newbie here...I know I'm new to this forum, however, I'm certainly not new to the concept.

I was raised to always be honest and respectful to others, but I tend to be brutally honest as well, though I would also never want to unintentionally hurt someone. It truly can be a fine line.

The more, the merrier!...I've found that I appreciate many people's different viewpoints,  because they truly may see things at such different angles. I'd rather hear  the truth from people, their honest opinions, whether I like it or not. I'm certainly not one to claim I know it all, so I like to ask others.

I do agree though, it wouldn't hurt to throw out a little warning on the homepage to "post at your own risk" :)
Title: Re: What to do?
Post by: Pooh on August 17, 2010, 11:13:36 AM
Orly that reminded me of a  seminar I went to one time titled: Letting go of anger.  One of the things the speaker said was everyone should have a mantra so when they feel anger welling up during any confrontation, you are supposed to say your mantra to help center and calm you.  She gave us an example to use of "Butterflies in....dragons out" until you came up with one of your own.

The second day, one of the other ladies who had a fight with her ex over lunch, came in all mad and flustered.  The instuctor yelled across the room at her, "Your Mantra!  Your Mantra!"

The lady yelled back, "My da&% dragon done ate that butterfly!"

Priceless I tell ya!
Title: Re: What to do?
Post by: cremebrulee on August 17, 2010, 11:33:23 AM
Quote from: Pooh on August 17, 2010, 11:13:36 AM
Orly that reminded me of a  seminar I went to one time titled: Letting go of anger.  One of the things the speaker said was everyone should have a mantra so when they feel anger welling up during any confrontation, you are supposed to say your mantra to help center and calm you.  She gave us an example to use of "Butterflies in....dragons out" until you came up with one of your own.

The second day, one of the other ladies who had a fight with her ex over lunch, came in all mad and flustered.  The instuctor yelled across the room at her, "Your Mantra!  Your Mantra!"

The lady yelled back, "My da&% dragon done ate that butterfly!"

Priceless I tell ya!


LOL

this was great
but going to try and remember that

I wish we had these classes around where I live....God Knows, I could use them....

Title: Re: What to do?
Post by: Pooh on August 17, 2010, 12:19:33 PM
I was a wreck after my divorce and the circumstances and was trying desperately to get my life back.  I had always been a pretty upbeat person, but after going through my Son's teenage pregnancy situation and then a divorce all in a 4 month period, I was becoming a person that I didn't like very well and knew I needed to do something.

I am lucky, there is a place called "Abba's House" about 30 minutes away from me.  It is attached to a big Church, but they use it to bring in all kinds of speakers that are not religious too to help people from crisis to financial help.  I have attended several of their seminars, and find that it's very much like our conversation here.  You have to take the parts away with you that fit your situation and just leave the ones behind that don't.  But each one I have attended gave me some very good coping tools that I could apply to my personal life.

I think that may be the key to all of this.  Whether we are talking seminars, books, articles or forums.  You have to have an openness to try new concepts.  If it works, Great!  If it doesn't, have you really lost anything by listening or trying?
Title: Re: What to do?
Post by: cadagi101 on August 17, 2010, 04:18:36 PM
Luise gave me good advice, she told me "take what you want and leave the rest."  Being brutally honest gives posters a different way of looking at their situation they might not have thought of.    No-one here says or gives the impression that the opinions we post here  is black and white and there isn't any shades of grey.    i tend to agree a "soft"  warning in the rules is a good idea, but posters also need  to know they are encouraged to reply if they don't agree but it must be done in a respectful manner or it is deleted.    Maybe a warning on the
new" thread page might be useful.  warning sounds a bit harsh but you get the picture.  Just my opinion.
Title: Re: What to do?
Post by: barelythere on August 18, 2010, 02:00:08 PM
Quote from: Anna on August 18, 2010, 01:52:39 PM
Hi ladies.  I found this thread very interesting.  I am honest too, but I am also very sensitive, & opinionated.  Sometimes these two traits just don't mix.  I do want to hear everything that that everyone has to say, but sometimes my feelings are hurt.  Other times I speak out very strongly about a post I have read, before taking the time to really think about it.  I have changed a lot since I first started posting.  I was hurt, confused, depressed, & I did want someone to tell me I did good, that it wasn't me.  I needed that at that time.  Newbie's are sometimes hurting a lot when they first post here, so maybe waiting a bit to be brutally honest is a good idea.  I know I had some posters who I felt were just being nasty to me, that they really didn't want to help me.  My life was in such a turmoil when I came here, I was easily hurt, I was so confused, I thought I was going crazy.  I needed the compassion that most of you ladies offered, & if you had been brutally honest back then I may have crawled into a corner, cried & cried, & never come back.  Compassion & caring go a long way, I know, thanx to most of the ladies here.   :)

Oh so true, Anna. Compassion is all we have as humans to separate us from other living things.  It's hard to find these days. 
Title: Re: What to do?
Post by: Nana on August 18, 2010, 07:49:53 PM
Creme:

I agree with Anna.  To be brutally honest does not do good to a hurting soul.  I dont think that you have to agree with the person who posts, but we can support each other on this rocky road.  Some people are too sensitive and probably cannot deal with criticism (even if it is constructive).   It happens to everyone.  I think Creme, you are a great, extremely good  writer and have very good points, but I have felt at times you are a little harsh on some posters and I know that you are trying to help.  I sometimes read your posts and thought  "Öh my God"".  You quoted what the poster wrote and then expressed your opinion, and then another quote, and another opinion, and totally about 10 or 12 quotes; and it felt like the judgement day.  It happened a couple of months ago.  I think that you realized it because you have changed that.

It is only my opinion.


Love your posts though Creme

Hugs


Title: Re: What to do?
Post by: cremebrulee on August 19, 2010, 07:21:47 AM
QuoteNana link=topic=871.msg16874#msg16874 date=1282186193]
Creme:

I agree with Anna.  To be brutally honest does not do good to a hurting soul.  I dont think that you have to agree with the person who posts, but we can support each other on this rocky road.  Some people are too sensitive and probably cannot deal with criticism (even if it is constructive).   It happens to everyone.  I think Creme, you are a great, extremely good  writer and have very good points, but I have felt at times you are a little harsh on some posters and I know that you are trying to help.  I sometimes read your posts and thought  "Öh my God"".  You quoted what the poster wrote and then expressed your opinion, and then another quote, and another opinion, and totally about 10 or 12 quotes; and it felt like the judgement day.  It happened a couple of months ago.  I think that you realized it because you have changed that.

It is only my opinion.

Hi Nana, thanks so much for your post...and your opinion is very important...very important
it helps me see as your seeing and not from my eyes...

when I quote posts of others, it is what people do in forums....when people read, they see things that they want to comment on so they insert quotes and comment...I also noticed Miss Priss commented about that several times...however, please try and understand, if they don't quote the person's words, they might forget or overlook a topic to respond to....does that make sense....go into some other forums, and take a look...not MIL/DIL forums, but other topic forums....

When people are reading posts, within they're posts, there are many thoughts and points that come to mind, which I'd like to share...while you may view it as being harsh, I really don't see it that way...I'm not saying I'm right and your not wrong...however, my perception of answering these posts is 1. trying to help, and 2.  Quoting so I can remember what that person said....

I am unlike Anna or you....I want someone to come right out and tell me what is going on...I know, that when I'm personally involved in a situation, it is difficult to see the forest thru the trees....and if I post a question, I sure want you all to be honest with me, even if it does hurt, b/c I view that as helping the my healing process much quicker, by viewing my own mistakes.  I'm not trying to defend myself, but to explain to you why...

Not everyone feels like me....I hate the time I've wasted in sadness and self pity....to me, it is utterly unproductive time...and yes, everyone has they're own time, they're own place....but I am one who wants to get to the core of the problem and resolve it as quickly as possible.

So you see, while I do understand what your saying, and will take this into huge consideration when I post....I am posting the way I see it, feel it, and would want others to be with me, even if I do get hurt, I know, I'm going to think about it for a few days and conclude most likely that I am wrong....and that person was right...

Also, Nana, I was raised with all boys...so I'm very cut and dry...been that way all my life, a regular tom boy....and while my heart is compassionate, it may see like I'm not....because a lot of time, while I talk way to much in posts, I view them as a man might...

all these things doesn't excuse my actions, but perhaps will help you understand, that I'm not trying to hurt anyone, but more so help....

I promise, to continue to try to change my wording....so that I don't sound so harsh....

Supporting each other is a good thing, but sometimes support comes in words we don't always want to hear...

It took me 12 long very unproductive years to make things right with my dil...12 years Nana...so I guess what I'm trying to do is save someone else from taking that long....

I'm confident in many ways...have lived alone for a long time....very independent...and the older I get, the more set in my ways I get, and that is why this forum is good for me....so that I can continue to observe and apply what you have all said to my being....

Nana, we don't all perceive posts in the same way...we perceive them as who we are and how "we" feel about things...in other words, what might upset you about a post wouldn't upset me....so I ask that you would take that into consideration, along with the fact that I am compassionate and loving.  However, there are people who are extremely sensitive and take things the wrong way....which is difficult to know when we're writing in a forum....we're dealing with all kinds of different personalities and feelings....and I need to remember that...

I wasn't judging Nana, I was quoting so that I could completely analyse that one quote, which helps the poster understand what we're talking about, or at least it helps me...I have a health problem, which makes me forget a lot....so, by quoting and posting, it helps me be able to answer every question the person might have...does that make sense...?  I'm not judging them...but more so, giving them my point of view on what they are saying. 

I'm also going to tell you what was told to me once...when you post something on the internet, asking people for they're opinions, your not always going to get validation....your going to get people's honest opinions, which is pretty interesting when you go into other forums....and read....

also, we must remember, not to take things personal....but as someone simply communicating....this is such a common problem in the world today...people cannot communicate they're thoughts and feelings, b/c some get personally offended...

Also, I've been told over and over again, I'm very deep....sometimes to deep for some to follow and I overwhelm people....I don't see it as being deep, but as looking beyond the question to another and another...finding it interesting, which to, the human phsyc is extremely interesting...guess that is why I so worship Einstein....he looked much deeper then most people....I go beyond the answer to another question?  Which is probably irritating to a lot of people...

I to remember the harsh pain of loss, the feelings of "am I going crazy?", is it me?  What did I do to deserve this...the remorse, the feelings of incompetence and fear....most of all fear....so, I will so try to remember what you and Anna have said....however, please also try to remember, what we have to ask ourselves is....

1.  Do we really want answers and to fix the problem if we can?
or
2.  Do we simply seek only validation and sympathy and are not really looking for answers, more so, only want to complain? 

So, I thank you Anna and Nana, for telling me, something that maybe you feared telling me...it's ok, I want to know, that's why I posted this thread...we don't know until we ask others....I will try to do better....





Title: Re: What to do?
Post by: barelythere on August 19, 2010, 09:11:28 AM
Quote from: Anna on August 19, 2010, 09:04:21 AM
Hi Creme.  I'm not saying don't be honest, I'm just saying that when I first came here, it was the compassion, & the understanding  that brought me back.  If I was pelted with brutal honesty at that time I may never have posted again.  Compassion first, brutal honesty second?
I absolutely want answers to fix problems, but I also want sympathy, understanding & compassion!  I do like to come here & just vent, especially when I'm steamed up about something that has happened & I have to keep my mouth shut.
So my answer is yes to both questions at the end of your post.   
I so enjoy your posts, looking forward to lots more!   (((((hugs)))))     Anna.   :)

I could not agree with you more, Anna.  Some people come here are this close to doing something harmful to themselves.  They are fragile, very fragile.  They do not need brutal  honesty.  If you are incapable of compassion then I suggest not commenting at all.  Maybe later, brutal honestly but not at first.  Have a heart.
Title: Re: What to do?
Post by: cremebrulee on August 19, 2010, 09:12:08 AM
Quote from: Anna on August 19, 2010, 09:04:21 AM
Hi Creme.  I'm not saying don't be honest, I'm just saying that when I first came here, it was the compassion, & the understanding  that brought me back.  If I was pelted with brutal honesty at that time I may never have posted again.  Compassion first, brutal honesty second?
I absolutely want answers to fix problems, but I also want sympathy, understanding & compassion!  I do like to come here & just vent, especially when I'm steamed up about something that has happened & I have to keep my mouth shut.
So my answer is yes to both questions at the end of your post.   
I so enjoy your posts, looking forward to lots more!   (((((hugs)))))     Anna.   :)

ahhhhh, ok, yes, I can remember being there myself....

so thanks for understanding....

Title: Re: What to do?
Post by: cremebrulee on August 19, 2010, 09:21:48 AM
QuoteI could not agree with you more, Anna.  Some people come here are this close to doing something harmful to themselves.  They are fragile, very fragile.  They do not need brutal  honesty.  If you are incapable of compassion then I suggest not commenting at all.  Maybe later, brutal honestly but not at first.  Have a heart.

I don't see myself as being brutal....I see myself as being honest....and I do possess a lot of compassion and do own a heart....otherwise, I would take so much time to post...and there have been threads posted that I ignore, b/c of insulting someone...

this post of yours sounds angry....and yes, I do agree, that some people who post in here, may or may not be on the fringe of doing something to themselves...and I do forget that...however....when we write, and read someone elses response...we are reading it, the way we are...if we are overly sensitive and insecure...and we can't see the face of the other person, we are going to take it as an insult....or as a personal attack...we are as we think and feel...and project ourselves that way....

I used to write poetry....never mentioned it in the poetry but it was spiritually written...and low and behold, someone (a man) took it like I was being sexually suggestive, and boy that broke my heart....and my aunt who was a writer and editor told me, you cannot be held accountable for how others view your writing....people are going to take things the way "they" think and feel and never be able to understand you, especially if they don't know you...

however, I do feel, in my case, there is always, room for improvement, so thank you for your feedback....
and the key here is, I think from now on, I'll remember to take the time to re-read my posts, before hitting save, just to make certain I'm not coming across brutally or insensitively...

but my question is, how does one know, when someone just wants to vent....or wants answers? 

I go on the assumption, and I'm probably wrong here, that when people are upset, they are to emotionally connected to be able to see it clearly, like I was...?

Title: Re: What to do?
Post by: Nana on August 19, 2010, 02:04:11 PM
Creme:

Of course you have a heart (a good one) and are compassionate.  I kind of regret having posted what I did because you put all your heart in your posts trying to help and you do help a lot.   Sometimes Creme, we do know deep down the solution to a certain problem, but it takes time for some of us to accept what we have to do (like moving on).  It is like when you are telling a toddler not to do something because he could get hurt.  He/she does it and gets hurt and cries.  You do confort him and take care of him and probably afterwards you  let him know that he got hurt because he made a wrong choice.  Makes sense?

I always read attentively your posts because you have so much to offer.   Looking forward to more.

Hugs


Title: Re: What to do?
Post by: cremebrulee on August 20, 2010, 04:58:23 AM
Quote from: Nana on August 19, 2010, 02:04:11 PM
Creme:

Of course you have a heart (a good one) and are compassionate.  I kind of regret having posted what I did because you put all your heart in your posts trying to help and you do help a lot.   Sometimes Creme, we do know deep down the solution to a certain problem, but it takes time for some of us to accept what we have to do (like moving on).  It is like when you are telling a toddler not to do something because he could get hurt.  He/she does it and gets hurt and cries.  You do confort him and take care of him and probably afterwards you  let him know that he got hurt because he made a wrong choice.  Makes sense?

I always read attentively your posts because you have so much to offer.   Looking forward to more.

Hugs

Good Morning Nana....
Please don't feel badly....about what you wrote....and I do know and understand the hurt and the pain your all experiencing...just because things have worked out with my DIL, doesn't mean I'm exempt or don't know that lonely road....believe me...it is not a nice place to be....and yes, I've made it my personal road to try and help if I can...I know people are going to get angry with me, and some will not like me...however, I won't let that stand in my way of trying to help....may go about it in ways people don't agree...but will continue to strive to be more delicate, so that I don't appear to be judgemental or a know it all...there has got to be a way for me to learn this, and with your help, perhaps I will succeed, perhaps not....?  I hope and pray...because that place I was for 12 years....was sheer hell on earth....

so, thank you so much for being patient and for your feedback...I do appreciate you and all the ladies here who are so kind to do so....

Luv
Creme
Title: Re: What to do?
Post by: cremebrulee on August 20, 2010, 05:04:09 AM
Quote from: Anna on August 20, 2010, 04:29:51 AM
Thanx Nana, you explained that perfectly.  Creme, I love your posts.  I have learned so much from them, & I have looked to myself when something goes wrong.  Like what can I do differently next time if this happens again.  Thank-you.    (((((hugs)))))   Anna.

Anna, thanks so much...Anna....I will try very hard to write more sensitively....and I do so appreciate your feedback...it takes courage to be straight foreward in a nice way....by just tellling someone your true feelings....

What I'm trying to do, is learn how to be tactful...it will help me in the future with those people in my life who I've in the past allowed to use me as a door mat.  What I mean to say, by learning here...might help me to improve my relationships with people who mean well, but become to overwhelming...to say things to them in a way that is not in anger, but in sincerity...I used to let people push me way to much...and to long, until I exploded and now that friendship was lost....because I didn't want to hurt feelings....well sometimes, I've learned, that people, even adults, even myself....need to be reminded that there are boundaries...which must be respected....like where I wrote about my neighbor....I don't want to push her away, or hurt her feelings, but in the same, my boundaries need to be respected...yanno?  And I have to learn how to be kinder with my words....so thank you....I mean it....

Hugs
Creme
Title: Re: What to do?
Post by: cremebrulee on August 20, 2010, 06:14:19 AM
Quote from: Anna on August 20, 2010, 05:20:25 AM
Creme, I had a friend who absorbed every minute of my time.  We would go out together, as soon as our kids left for school, & come home minutes before our children returned.  This friend would go home & then call me, keep me on the phone until hubby got home from work.  It was so frustrating, I didn't have time to do anything, she was always at my house, we were out together, or we were on the phone together.  I had to start making excuses to her, trying so hard to be nice.  I Know it isn't easy to end a friendship, but that's what had to happen with this particular friend.  That was 13 years ago, & I still see her now & then, we are still cordial to each other, & sometimes I do really miss her, but I have been happier since our friendship ended.  (((((hugs)))))      Anna.

boy oh boy do I know those people Anna, they are so life draining and smothering...and can relate....one friendship she would call and call and call until I was home and then demand to know where I had been???????  Sheeesh...that one I had to end...and it wasn't very pretty...however, like you, I'm much better for it and I don't miss her....I can't be smothered...with the MS, it drives me up a wall...I really short circut...meaning, I get anxiety so bad...and feel like I'm claustrophobic....

I spent so much of my life, trying to live up to the expectations of others, that it took it's toll....my sister and foster mother were like that...honestly they meant well...however, it had to be stopped....it was driving me nuts....they medeled way to much....

Title: Re: What to do?
Post by: cremebrulee on August 20, 2010, 11:27:54 AM
Quote from: Anna on August 20, 2010, 09:09:44 AM
It's funny, my hubby never liked this particular friend, & I just thought he was jealous of the time she took up.  I now think he saw what I didn't, how needy & clingy she was.  LOL.  Maybe I should learn to listen to hubby more.

Anna, I'm smiling....not maybe, but do, do so, put more positive energy into your husband...you two are a team...your kids are all grown up, start dating each other again...and make things special...be romantic and sporatic...you have a good hubby...make him your #1...your so lucky to have him....

Yes, it's so funny isn't it, how others can see things that we cannot...

Hugs
Creme