Your DIL or MIL read your posts...
me, I wouldn't care...I'd welcome it...not that I want to hurt her in any way, but it's high time someone stand up to her and let her know how many lives she's hurting ... and she needs help...
and so does my son...I would suggest counseling, long term for both of them....
It wouldn't come as a big surprise to them. Quote Popeye, "I yam what I yam and that's all that I yam" .
My writing follows my mouth so....if they have a problem with what I say in either format, I stand behind it and take my lumps or pats on the back. Guess it is that old "Show Me" state upbringing, show me why I'm wrong or why I'm right. I'm either really brave or really stupid, but at least everyone knows what to expect when they ask me for my opinion. They are going to get "MY" opinion, unvarnished!
I wish my MIL would read my posts. Even though I have only posted a few times, I sincerely meant what I said. I love reading others' posts on a daily basis. Every time I have tried to tell ILs how I feel, they take everything backwards and accuse me of being hateful. If I said I wanted things to get better, they would probably say "only so you can make things worse again." I can't win with them and it hurts to even try.
I wish she could too, SadDIL, it's a shame that she says that to you. I know you want a good relationship with them or you wouldn't be trying so hard. So sorry!
I would hope that she sees how much I am working on things and gives me another chance
I've thought about this, and for that very reason have tried (probably not well enough) to be vague about personal, identifying details...DIL would take it all out of context and be upset, I'm guessing. Since things are going well for the time being, it would be disappointing if that happened.
oooh, not to be a negative nancy, but I think if my FMIL read my posts she would go off the deep end. Then again, I"m not sure she has the insight to understand what any of us are saying here. I think she would just be upset that I was talking to other people... :(
hmm... here's another spin on this question...
how would you feel if your son/partner read your posts? Sometimes I just get so mad at how oblivious my BF is to everything that's going on around him.
Quote from: isitme? on January 07, 2010, 06:57:38 AM
hmm... here's another spin on this question...
how would you feel if your son/partner read your posts? Sometimes I just get so mad at how oblivious my BF is to everything that's going on around him.
I would be ok with that as well....
I would feel B.A.D. if my son read these, either son. I hope that never happens, good Lord!! I would freak out. My DH ignores everything...so I'm not worried about him. Men, you can't live with them and you can't live without them.
(that's what they say about us) Idiots. My husband says that I am one big ball of feelings. Well, howdy doodle do. >:( At least I don't ignore things till the danged roof falls in.) He would say, " is there some kind of problem? You know, I knew the roof was not holding up and I was going to get around to that..."
"yes, there is, Honey. I have been stuffing my feelings about the roof"
I've got a great husband but he is a "putter offer". He thinks if he has everything in order, like in files, he's fine. Here's a rundown....50 files of perfectly outlined and detailed receipts, things to do, etc. All of them are neatly perched in his office from way back in the stone age.
Isn't that special? If he wasn't so nice and kind, I'd get me a handy man and give him what's left of my body, including the 'tube socked' breasts. ;D I could put those things in white tube socks and use the socks as a bra.
They were big "hits" in school.
hahaha
you crack me up chickiebaby!!!!!
Oh gosh that's a aweson question!! And believe you me I've though about it. My MIL doesn't know how to use a computer but SIL does and has one at home. So anything is possible. If she read my posts she could figure it very quickly.
How would I feel??? Well first I would love for MIL to maybe see on paper how evil her actions have been. But then I would be somewhat embarrassed at her knowing that I've thought this much about their rejection of me. If I think about it this much and blog about it this much it must really bother me right? I wouldn't want her to know that for sure.
Quote from: just2baccepted on January 07, 2010, 11:02:01 AM
Oh gosh that's a aweson question!! And believe you me I've though about it. My MIL doesn't know how to use a computer but SIL does and has one at home. So anything is possible. If she read my posts she could figure it very quickly.
How would I feel??? Well first I would love for MIL to maybe see on paper how evil her actions have been. But then I would be somewhat embarrassed at her knowing that I've thought this much about their rejection of me. If I think about it this much and blog about it this much it must really bother me right? I wouldn't want her to know that for sure.
well, yanno, rejection of a family member or close friend is an awful heartbreaking thing...so no matter what she thinks, just know, it's ok to be sad...and one more thing...sometimes I believe these people like our MIL's and DIL's so expect us to reject them...that they sabotage the relationship b/c they are so insecure, they don't like themselves and they're worst fear is rejection, especially by us, to they reject us first....
I know people do things for many reasons, but that could very well be one...heck, who knows what goes on in they're minds...my Gosh, we surely can't second guess them...and shouldn't....and I do believe if we'd all retain the relationship with our son's, and as wives, encourage your husband's relationship with they're mothers, do nothing out of revenge or anger, speak no angry words...and be always the true ladies you are....no matter what else happens, you can't help but be better for it....
Hugs
Creme
Quote from: cremebrulee on January 07, 2010, 11:09:16 AM
..sometimes I believe these people like our MIL's and DIL's so expect us to reject them...that they sabotage the relationship b/c they are so insecure, they don't like themselves and they're worst fear is rejection, especially by us, to they reject us first....
I think you may be on to something here Creme... as much as we talk about our MILs and DILs control issues and their selfishness, one thing that really comes across is their TREMENDOUS insecurities. It's a shame because the chances are if they are doing it to us, they're probably doing it to a lot of other people in their lives too. What an awful way to live - I would hate to be inside that head or that heart... :(
Sad DIL,,,,
your post really bothers me, that people can be so closed minded and disregard the feelings of others...
I'm so sorry your inlaws refuse to acknowledge your feelings and put the blame on you...so utterly an unproductive way to look at things...
Hugs
Creme
I believe if I had one wish, more then anything else in the world, I would like to attend counseling together with my DIL and son...
I believe it could be very helpful and I would like to be able to say what I've written about them to they're faces...not to hurt them, and,in a controled manner which is not in anger, but merely talking to them directly...I believe in my heart...DIL would never ever agree, and if I caught her off guard and called her or wrote her a letter, she would take it completely negatively and as personal attacks against her.
I did write her a letter a long time ago...before I sent it, had my dear mother and sister read it, so I was sure there was not a thing in there that was attacking and/or said in the wrong way...
but of course, she became enraged and my son asked me to never do that again...I'm sure it made his life tipsy turvey for a time beings...
I'm just thinking about how nice it would be to be able to talk things thru...
I would love to know, what it was that caused her to hate me so much...so much so, that she would be perfectly happy, if I had no contact with GD? I mean, even if I were having problems with my MIL, I would never not send her school pictures...she knows I have skype, and yet, she has never had GD call me on Skype...I believe, she is the kind of person thatwhen she dislikes you, she hates you forever and will do everything she can to hurt you?
I just know, I wouldn't handle things the way she has...not even when I was her age...
Anna, I do understand...believe me...my son's family says the same thing, and so do his friends...one of his friends apparently told my son not to marry her....but what bothers me is...if she can be that way to me...what is she like to live with????? Whewww, I cannot imagine???
QuoteAnna l
No I can't imagine living with her now. She did live with us for 3 years before she & son got engaged & found a place of their own. She seemed so sweet back then, but I was such a trusting soul maybe I just didn't see something was amiss.
\Neither did your son...or mine...
QuoteDil drove one of sons friends away, he knows what she is truly like so he has been banned form their lives. so, so sad to watch.
ya know why they do that? Because she knows the friend doesn't like her, therefore, she drives away any support force...she wants to be the only influence on him, and she would definately fear anyone who she knew didn't care for her...which proves her desire for results...b/c most people would feel, OK, he doesn't care for me...but he is my husband's best friend...not everyone can like us, nor can we like everyone, but for my husband's sake, as long as he isn't any harm...it's my husband's choice...it's called tollerate...
Quote
I still talk to sons friend, & he can't believe that son lets dil treat him like she does, & my hubby's cousin is apalled at our sons treatment of us. Can't believe son would keep grandkids from us because of his wife. Cousin knows the relationship we had with our children, how open & loving it was, so she is floored.
same here...isn't it rather ironic how they all run the same pattern?
Thanks Creme. I know I haven't been the ideal DIL but they haven't been ideal ILs either. They have posted blogs on the internet about how awful I am and DS is dead to them as long as he is with me. It will always be a blame game, but for 3 1/2 years I have tried to no avail to have contact with them. They won't speak to DS or grandchildren either. They just send them $50 at Christmas addressed to DS and them. I don't know whether to give up or keep trying. I am like some of you - it eats away at me nonstop. I think about this all the time. DH cannot fathom why it bothers me so bad and for the life of me, I can't either. Maybe I need counseling to learn to let go.
Quote from: sadDIL on January 10, 2010, 02:47:26 PM
Thanks Creme. I know I haven't been the ideal DIL but they haven't been ideal ILs either. They have posted blogs on the internet about how awful I am and DS is dead to them as long as he is with me. It will always be a blame game, but for 3 1/2 years I have tried to no avail to have contact with them. They won't speak to DS or grandchildren either. They just send them $50 at Christmas addressed to DS and them. I don't know whether to give up or keep trying. I am like some of you - it eats away at me nonstop. I think about this all the time. DH cannot fathom why it bothers me so bad and for the life of me, I can't either. Maybe I need counseling to learn to let go.
Yanno, this really upsets me...it would be so easy to be friends and keep peace, but I really do believe people like this, never get what life is all about...they have known nothing but controversay and negativity all they're lives, therefore, they try and bring everyone else down to they're level, it makes them feel superior. I will tell you true...some of the stuff I've read on the DIL hate sites, literally makes me cry for they're MIL's they're husbands, etc. You can tell the DIL's who are sincere...but the name calling and swearing, is unbelievable. And believe me, I know there are MIL's that are very difficult and dysfunctional...but there are just not enough sites out there for MIL's.
There are DIL's in here who are decent people, who like you have tried and tried...and they can also help you...but the ones who swear, and carry on saying they hate this person and that? Or they come into the MIL forums to read us so they can use what we say and how we hurt to further hurt they're own MIL's...quit frankly, I would stay away from them...or those who refuse to see that maybe they have been somewhat responsible for the problems that occur.
People like you who take ownership, when in all actuality, I don't believe you did do anything to cause this...are the ones who are good people and caring...who want to work things out. Your Good People and never think otherwise!
Men do not understand the close connections women have. Have you ever heard a woman say, "I wish I had a husband who was like my best girlfriend...?" Men are incapable of understanding the gut wrenching feelings and emotions women go thru....plus, they surely cannot take the stress we woman can swallow....so they ignore most situations and forget about it...if they can to move forward...we are just wired differently. ;D
The only advise I can give you is, to never let go of hope...however, have no expectations either....candidly, it sounds like they will never be what you'd like them to be, and we all would like to be liked and have a close family tie....but, when someone treats you so miserably, it's best not to hold onto it you can....I know it hurts, deeply, and it's there constantly...and some days you'll have good days, while other days will be pretty darn poopy....but heres the thing....there is an exercise I try and do, when I get down about this....and it does help....I first understand, how my DIL grew up...and it's very sad...your inlaws probably grew up the same way...or your MIL and your FIL only goes along with her otherwise they're might be you know what to pay? Then I silently tell my DIL I love her...over and over again...and then I think of the things I do have, and energize on that...and I do have so much to be thankful for....mainly, my son's alive...and I remember what a wonderful kid he was...not to mention, what a giving man and husband he is now....
Also, I would use this as a learning lesson and be sure to teach your kids what to look for when they choose a life mate....
When and this isn't always the case...but a lot of times, when a person came from a bad background, where there is no emphasis on education and career....where there is a history of Alcohole, physical abuse, mental and verbal abuse or drugs...that person will enter into a relationship with baggage and corrode the relationship right from the start.
Teach them what to look for...how the person they are choosing for a life mate, looks at the rest of the world...are they interested in furthering they're education/careers or are they simply looking for someone to take care of them? You see, a lot of women were trained that they're only purpose in life is to get married, have kids and have the husband take care of them....teach them to observe they're mates to be, and listen to how they talk to they're parents and about other people....listen to see if they are negative, forgiving, if they complain alot...if they are withdrawn and insecure...b/c mental compatibility in a realationship is most important....
We can talk more on this later...but let it be known, I didn't discuss these things with my son....and I was told by many of his friends just of late, that for some reason, he always wanted to date the really beautiful women..? He didn't look for what was inside...and he also, if you've read my other posts, has the influnence of his step mother, (who is very much like his wife)...for many years....therefore, he deems my DIL's behavior normal..which is beyond my comprehension, but, we humans really do tend to blind ourselves when it comes to love....
And when you have those down times, or a situation happens that adds fuel to aching heart...come in here and vent...and all these ladies will be there for you, believe you me...they are wonderful girls....
Oh, and by the way, no one is the ideal MIL or DIL...the difference is, there are a whole lot of people out there who look past the faults of others...instead of using they're faults against them....none of us is perfection....and we all own problems and baggage...but, it is who we are, our significant selves which makes up our identity...who we are...people who can look past those faults and still like you or love you, are mature, confident people who have intelligence, compassion and kindness. So, don't beat yourself up...I think it's very honorable of you to want to fix this bad thing with your inlaws...and they are the loosers here....not you....
Hugs and love
Creme
SadDIL, I agree with creme. Her post was so insightful and true! I'm sorry you are having such problems with your IL's! You obviously care and that's important. Concentrate on your life with your husband and try to leave the rest behind, if you can. Look at what you have!
Hi SadDIL,
I'm another sad DIL (well, FDIL) that's been on this webpage and gotten a lot of support and advice from the ladies here. I also think Cremebrulee is right - not to have any expectations. I've reached that point with my own future IL's because I've tried and I've tried and they will just never accept me. I've come to terms with it but what I"m having problems with now is how it makes me feel when my BF expects me to keep chasing their approval. I also feel really angry when I see him chasing their approval because he's not going to get it either... but that's something I need to let him deal with. It sounds like this bothers you much more than it bothers your husband. I hope you are able to focus on the life you have together and not let your in-laws hurt you so much. Sometimes it's hard to let go of the guilt because you feel like you are the cause of all the conflict going on around you - but you know you have tried your best and the MILs here are good at reminding us of that. One of my advisors has a saying "just do your best because it's the best you can do". It sounds to me like you have done that.