I'm on my iphone and it's hard to write and read but out of desperation I found this site and it's saved me. Thank you for all I've read on here as tonight I was called crazy by my adult daughter who has issues with me and I read someone else who said an innocent remark sets off a battle; I too can't believe how messy adult children's relationship with mom can get!!! I really liked the family's younger years. As I as a mother ages, it gets more difficult to say things without offense being taken. I'm not walking the line of being quiet and staying out of everyone's issues very well on this summer visit. Normally I am a state or two away and phone calls are good and nice and short and no one gets upset. This visiting for two weeks is another story. I see all the rifts and chasms the years have put up and I get tired trying to placate my adult daughter. I'm exhausted and now I have to drive over 12 hours to get to my little cottage by the sea.
I just don't know why my daughter is so rude to me and so any posts indicate similar problems others are having. This is worse than the teenage rebellion years. Then it was expected but now ? Why the rude and nasty comments? I love this site and I will get on a computer soon so I can read All the heartful posts here and sigh a big sigh of relief as I see it's not only me going thru this. :-[
Hi Carol,
I hear you. And although I had a hard time believing this, I figured out the only reason why my son treated me so badly was because he was unhappy with his own life -- and he was jealous of mine. He was confronted with many things: finances, divorce, custody etc.... His life was in shambles compared to mine. To top that off, we too gave our children a harmonious peaceful childhood, without worries, stress, or grief. So maybe the transistion to adulthood, was a shocking revelation, which our offspring weren't prepared to handle. I think they are having tantrums in their adult years. So what did we do when they were in their terrible two's? I left the room and let them have their tantrum all by themselves.
Whatever... drive carefully to your cottage by the sea...tank up. All you can do is let go and allow them the space and time to figure out life on their own. I know it hurts...and it shouldn't be that way, but still, ... believing in them, and in the loving upbringing they were priveledged to have, will shine through... sometime down the road. ... just not now.
In my son's case, I believe his new girlfriend is a positive influence. Still, I have my guard up..and won't allow him to hurt me anymore. And maybe he senses that, which is good. When he does get that way,..I'm gone. We used to protect our children, now we need to protect ourselves. 8)
This site is wonderful!!!i received a lovely response from free spirit and I feel better already. Thank you thank you. Sometimes it's nice to know we aren't alone in the dark. :-*
Welcome - C. I have split the topic you posted on and have given you your own.
We ask all members to go to our HomePage, if you haven't already, and under Open me First, to read the four posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to make sure WWU is a fit. We're a monitored Website.
For me, it was really hard to get that my best was so harshly judged. My eldest son chose to hold me personally responsible for every problem in his adult life. I was even more confused when my youngest son held me personally responsible for everything good that ever happened. My lesson wasn't obvious at the time. It took me years to get that I had little to do with either perception. My sons authored them. My expectations got in my way...since I was knew I was neither one of those concepts and felt pretty invisible.
Looking back at age 87 it looks to me like when they are growing...so are we. Sending hugs...
Carol, welcome to the "what did I do to deserve that?" club!
DH and I have been members of it for quite awhile now.
It's mostly with our DD, who is forty years old -- not a young adult learning to separate from parents.
I've tried to make sense of it, but can't. So I've quit fretting over it.
Have thought maybe it's her way of affirming that she's not a little child anymore, by asserting herself in a disrespectful manner (which is childish).
And I'm talking about she will take offense over the least little comment, even made innocently on my part.
I'm trying to be more like Teflon, and just not let it stick -- life is too short for that!
Thank God for your little cottage by the sea!
Hi Carol, sending (((hugs))) your way. I'm still a newbie, and have two ADs in their 40s - youngest has been incommunicado for over three years, oldest comes and goes - 6 months "gone" so far this year. I can definitely relate to what you are experiencing with your daughter. I still haven't figured out exactly what I did to deserve this, and even if my ADs gave me a face-to-face explanation, I don't know that it would make any sense. They're in their 40s - not young adults anymore, so there's been at least a 20-year period that they've been out on their own, and not directly under my influence. So I give up. I've spent hours trying to analyze conversations, confrontations, telephone calls, the silent treatment, the passive-aggressive behavior, manipulative ploys, etc. etc. until I'm blue in the face. Don't care much anymore. And every day I find that I don't care as much as I did the day before.
This site is wonderful - women with very similar situations gather here and let off steam, compare stories and strategies to cope. That in itself is, to me, what keeps me sane. Knowing that we're not the only ones going through this craziness really helps.
Welcome Carol and big hugs.
C, we're glad you're here!
A cottage by the sea sounds lovely. Shake off that exhausting drama and enjoy being home again.
Those short phone calls work best for me, too. I'm learning that most of my very limited contact with DS/DIL is unsatisfying and usually leaves me feeling used and abused. It's not worth pushing for more on the slim chance my expectations (dreams) will be met (come true.) Remind me of this if I get a wild notion to join them at a family reunion or whatever!
When I was learning to fly years ago my instructor, Nancy, a former WAC pilot during WW2, gave me some great advice about dealing with turbulence, spoken in a long, Southern drawl: "Ya just learn to riiide with it, Pen. Just riiide it out." Lately I've been calling up that wisdom a lot, at home and at work, lol!
Pen, I could hear your flight instructor. :D... I have a somewhat similiar story.
My mantra is something my mother once said. While on vacation in Budapest, she fell down two stairs, in a poorly lit, split level restaurant . She landed on the adjacent table, right in the middle of the goulash. Anyway, she broke almost all her ribs. She was 70 years old then. Her Hungarian doctor spoke very little English, but the words that he constantly repeated, truly comforted her: " It could beeeeee mucha mora baaaader. " He would give her a big smile, and she actually did feel better. She could have broken her legs and arms too....whatever....
I say this alot, when I think, thank goodness my family is healthy, my grandchildren are healthy... ....even when my sons are rude: " It could beeeeee mucha mora baaaader. " :)
LOL! How true. Isn't it amazing how these little gems stick with us through the years? For a reason...