I think you hit the nail on the head with your comment about venting here being the best avenue for dealing with those powerful hurt feelings. I agree, trying to correct someone else's mischaracterizations face to face or by written word, almost never works.
I'm still curious though about why our children do this. Does it happen more with first children? I know I get along with my YD much more easily than my OD, yet I know she cares about me and her dad. On a good day, my philosopy is that the OD, after having sooooo much love and attention as first-born, just has to work harder and longer at becoming truly independent. We taught her to think for herself, and from teen on, she's been an in-your-face arguer. Of course, like us, she's learning as she goes, and she acts out as clumsily as the rest of us, which gets a response from me, and off we go again. Sheesh.
I think I'll work on not taking the bait for my New Year's Resolution. Anyone else with me?