How can one stand the disconnection? I try so hard, then this month is the date of my fathers birthday, mother's birthday, father's death date mother's death date.
I bought a card today to send to my daughter, I tried callling her yesterday, she had another person answer her
phone and hung up on me. Hurt, on man it hurt, but again I set myself up for it.
Some days I hang in and then months like this it is so hurtful, she and I were so close to my mother and father.
I am trying to stay busy, but I miss her and my grandkids so much. How can someone continue to take the
abuse of a horrible, nasty, spiteful, evil daughter, and I don't say that lightly, she is unbelievable. Does anyone else
have a daughter that dishes out such horrible things and then says she no longer has a mother, I am dead to her.
I was her best friend, I have found a plaque she had done and signed by the Mayor, she is his assistant, saying how
wonderful I was and how dedicated I was to my family, how can this be that I don't exist now?Report to moderator 71.228.153.164
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I'm sorry your daughter is being so difficult, it really can be painful, I know, I have suffered terribly in relation to my son.
He is 46 now. I think the worse years are behind me but still difficult. In earlier years I still had hopes he would change.
(I must say occassionally I still have wishful thinking).
If she is hanging up on you probably best to seriously back off.
take good care of yourself this month. These anniversary dates stir up alot of grief.
I can relate to your pain as my adult daughter (she's almost 31) and I were very close at one time, now she won't speak to me. Also, like you, my daughter and I were both close to my parents. it was my parents, she and I who lived together for years after I left her dad when she was a year old and I was only 18 when I gave birth to her, but now she told me soon after this Christmas that I would have to change to have a relationship with her and I haven't heard since from her. I did nothing to deserve it...she is unbalanced I guess. :-\ My parents both died within the last two years so It's very hard for me. My dad spoiled her to death and in hindsight I never should have lived with my parents after break up with ex. I just wanted her to live in a decent house/neighborhood for good schools, etc. When I remarried she came with me of course but then when she would get mad she would run to my parents and they would spoil her and let her be disrespectful towards me..hence beginning of problems. So I do blame them some for the way she turned out (mean and disrespectful towards me, my husband and she totally ignores her brother who has a disability like he does not exist!! How mean can one be, right?!) Her brother's birthday is today and she can't even call him or send card.) That is what makes me the maddest. >:( I hate her for that! My daughter's birthday is Friday and I am seriously considering ignoring it...I was going to send a text but I'm fed up. I just think that even if it's your child we shouldn't put up with the abuse...I read earlier on a post here that hit me today...it was something to the effect that noone, not even our own children, have the right to take our happiness from us and believe me our adult daughters know exactly that they are breaking our hearts...so why should we continue to let them? It has to be a personal decision, but I am feeling today at least like it's just not worth it anymore. I love my daughter but I think they think they can treat us like this and we will always be there..that's wrong. I think I'm leaning towards not sending my daughter a b'day card...maybe she will then realize how mad I am....or she may totally sever ties . I don't know but I think maybe we are enabling our daughters to continue to be despicable. I don't know....it's just awful. I can see how it is even worse for you as you have grandkids involved. My daughter doesn't have kids. Sorry for your pain. :'(
Hi Irenic and L,
I am so sorry for your pain, I was feeling the same not long ago. I think I am in the stage of acceptance that my family is dysfunctional and I will not have a normal relationship with my children. It hurts very badly. My odd and I are not totally estranged, we will see each other when she wants to on her terms, and I will walk on eggshells when I am around her.
It may not work for everyone but I have decided I will accept this, so she is controlling me, and she likes to be in control. But she will only do this on the occasional times I see her. The rest of the time I am in charge of my own life, and intend to make the best of it. The alternative of not seeing her or my precious gd again is unbearable, so I will take the few crumbs she gives.
So sorry, Irenic, and all who are feeling the pain these issues cause. There are many different views and attitudes regarding dealing with them, and it helps to read others strategies. Sometimes I'm willing to walk on eggshells to stay connected with DS, sometimes I feel like moving on. It's really hard, but I do sense that progress is being made by all of us, even if it's in small steps. Know we're always here for you, no matter what stage you're in. Please take care.
Jill, reaching the stage of acceptance is major! I'm not quite there yet, but that's my goal.
L, it sounds like you're reaching your limit & ready to move along. Again, I'm heading there but not quite ready. One day.
I'm so glad we have this site for support on this journey. You guys are amazing.
Thanks. ;) I hear ya. I know I will never have a normal relationship with my daughter either...she is to messed up. I don't even know if we will even have a relationship PERIOD any more the way she is acting towards me., and I am just worn out at wits end and won't kiss her behind any more; I just can't disrespect myself that way any more. I understand why you would not want to lose your grandkids and so you put up with it so you won't lose them. I completely get what you mean about the eggshells....when my daughter was around it was always so nerve wracking not knowing when she would blow up (which was always) and she is soooo demanding (Miss Diva/high maintenance type). It was really exhausting every time she was around us. To be honest, I love her because she is my daughter but do not like her at all any more. :-\ Right now I feel I could accept not seeing her again because I feel completely drained and fed up with her ways, but next month you never know., I may miss her who knows. :-\ It's a hard road. Take care of you. :)
Hi Pen, thanks for support. Well I feel tonight strong...but who knows, tomorow I may be different., I guess it's like grieving the dead... Sometimes you are o.k and other days you lose it breaking down crying and feeling empty and alone. If I didn't have this sight I would be not dealing as well. I love to read on here, and the women are so supportive and wise. ;)
L,
Personally I found her continuous screaming at me on the phone, and my ending up crying, and my expecting to have a normal relationship with her was just too draining. Now I have accepted that I cannot, and just seeing her once in a while is okay, what bother me the most is not seeing my gd, and the fear that my odd will turn her against me. My odd has the temperament of her father (my ex-husband), everyone has to do as she says and she knows best.
My kids and grandkids are the only family I have, so I still want them in my life, even if it is only occasionally....Jill
I know what you mean because I loved my mom and dad and we were close, but I am not close at all to my brothers and sister...we don't talk...my sister is borderline schizophrenic so I don't want to talk to her even though she calls once in a while! She's nutty as a fruitcake and spiteful. I have no other family but my husband and kids. As far as your granddaughter and you worrying about odd turning her against you...we can't control others...all you can do is love granddaughter and I guess since she won't let you see her much from what I understand, send her lots of loving cards/gifts in mail maybe to send love in between visits? Getting late, gotta run..check ya later... :)
So sorry to read Irenic that your relationship with her has not improved. Please take care of yourself.
I am like jill in that I love my OS, but I don't like the person he has become. I am not in the same situation as many of you, as he has never screamed or yelled at me, or even so much as hung up the phone on me, we just don't talk period anymore. There was no big fight or showdown, just withdrawal. But I can empathize with the feelings of when they were visiting, it was not enjoyable. I was always trying to not say the wrong thing to DIL and it was very uncomfortable. When we would cut up and act normal with OS, DIL would glare daggers or sit there frowning at us. When they left, it was a mixed bag of emotions, because I was glad I got to see him, but relieved when they left because the tension melted away as soon as they stepped out the door. It took me a while to realize that not seeing him hurts less than seeing him and being stressed the entire time and hurt when he left because I caught glimpses of the boy I knew while he was there, but also saw the changes in him when she would say something. I was more depressed for several days after a visit because I would replay the entire visit in my head, over and over, trying to validate that I didn't say anything wrong, trying to understand why he put up with it, trying to understand what had happened....trying, trying, why, why, why....and driving myself bonkers.
So I finally accepted that is was what it was and it was his choice. I finally decided I was tired of driving myself mad with worry and fret. I finally realized that I could have my memories of who he was and our good times, but that was what they were, the past. I didn't have to like who he was now and I didn't have to cater to it. The only person that can change him now, is him. My days of correcting his bad behavior are over. All I can do is not allow it to rule my life and hope that someday, things are different. Once I did this, I have been a much happier person. I have a wonderful DH, a great job, great friends and I am blessed with many things in my life. I remembered the old saying my grandmother used to use, "You don't throw out the entire bushel of apples, just because one of them is spoiled."
But I do understand also, putting up with someones antics because of the GK. Acceptance comes in many forms. Acceptance can be like mine, where I don't try to have relationship with him any longer. Or Acceptance can be that you realize they are that way, and you work with it, without any expectations of them changing. But whatever acceptance form you choose, and for whatever reason, the bottom line is....you can't let it affect you so that you forget about the rest of the apples.
Tara, L, Jill, Pen and Pooh, I just had to drop on by to tell you How Proud of you I am!!!!! I can see how you are growing, accepting the cards where they may fall and moving forward....However, I do know somedays are better that others~~but as long as we make a stance and stand by it--we will see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Personally, I no longer wanted to remain stagnant and wallowing around in my muddy waters--it was time to change ME, for we cannot change the other...We simply have to accept what is and move forward with what works for us. My OS and I have not spoken in 10 years, nor have we seen one another...as I have mentioned in another post~he and I may walk down the same side of the street and I may NOT even recognise him, but I know my Heart would. I have sent him NO cards, no gifts, no phone calls, ZERO, zip ladies and vise versa.....and that is where it will remain until he comes to me....You bet I have my days where I am sad.....but I have accepted the fact and needed for my own sake to move forward.
My YS found me the other day after almost 5 years of estrangement...We picked up where we left off and had fun together.........and now looking forward to some visits which will happen~~when its time...the ball is in his court.
I sometimes think their anger is displaced--BUT they have to find that out on their own--their own time, their own way...They now have to test their own waters to grow and learn by themselves---we are done teaching them. Let them become whom they need to be...
Just Believe...Believe in yourself as the Special person whom you are...And Just Believe that someday you will meet again...
Hugs to all...Faith
Thanks Faith,
I have an ideas for a discussion: something about 'acceptance' what it looks like for us, how we achieved it.
what we do and don't do. I'm not sure how to word it. Like for example, Luise explained tome recently the
version of her acceptance and letting go of one of her sons.
Pen, I think you are right, that it can look very different for different people.
Tara, This is an awesome idea to do~~~~ a great learning post as well...Just title it "Acceptance" or how ever you choose and begin it with words of advise and wisdom how have you accepted estrangement with your children/family etc. How have you grown, how have you changed---this can be a very positive piece, shareing what we have done to help ourself deal with the pain and to carry on... LOVE IT!!!!!
Tara,
I think you should do this. Describe what acceptance is for you (or if you're not there yet...what you envision it to be) and let it go from there. I think that'll start the ball and I'll bet we'll have a lot of thoughtful conversation...I think it would require a lot of introspection.
Acceptance of my situation is one of the most difficult things for me to achieve in many areas of my life. I'd love to read others views so I can grow and progress. Great idea, Tara.
Wow Faith, you moved me today, thanks so much your words lifted me up. I do have really good days and then bad days, this is a bad month. I am going to take your advice, no calls, no cards, no gifts, nothing, but......WHAT ABOUT THE GRANDKIDS GIFTS? I sent them all gifts at Christmas and for their birthdays and did not hear a word, the only way I know they got it is the bank had cahsed the checks and the delivery company had record they delivered the packages. How rude, how awful not even to respond or have the kids respond to me. It is hard
for me, I guess the gifts are a way I am hoping their will come contact bottomline. But thanks so much, you are an angel today.
Here's a thought for your grandchildren's gifts. ..........set up an education fund in their names at a local bank. Don't tell anyone, but continue to send the kids some e-cards. When they reach 18, you can give them the savings, no sense in letting someone else spend the money in the meantime.
I would back off, it's very hard, every time you try to initiate contact, via gifts or anything else it is probably perceived as something to resist.
They are rude, awful, and cruel.....no doubt about it...... but they are using the tactics of the Charlie Sheen School of "Winning"........which of course is the school that no one should attend.
Hi Keys, I do not have the information needed to open up accounts, I have had that suggested. I had thought about donating to a charity in their name and having them send
the acknowledgement to my daughter. More needed than my grandkids really.
Quote from: irenic on March 03, 2011, 03:27:55 PM
Hi Keys, I do not have the information needed to open up accounts, I have had that suggested. I had thought about donating to a charity in their name and having them send
the acknowledgement to my daughter. More needed than my grandkids really.
Irenic.... I think I'd use great caution before doing something like this... I think the term that has been used towards this type of behavior is passive/aggressive. Your daughter is asking you to back off, by doing this type of thing you are telling her that you will stop at nothing and that you do not value her decision as a person to know what is right for her and her family. I have to ask, what good do you think will come from this? Do you feel that she may call you and say, hey thanks mom I always wanted to give to that charity? I think you may end with an unrepairable fractured relationship if you can not step back and give her space.
Thanks Laurie,
I see your point, I appreciate your honesty with me, and I guess you
are right. I didn't see it that way, but I guess she might.
Irenic, does it really matter why she's behaving like this? The bottom line is that you are looking for a way to eventually show your GC how much you've loved them all this time. I don't think it has to be a financial gift - how about a diary/scrapbook with cards you would have sent, photos of you and your family and friends, heartfelt sentiments about how proud you are of them and how much they are loved? I would have been moved to tears by a gesture like that. If you must give them money later, open up an account in your name that you can access if they have a particular need for something in the future and are treating you well.
Irenic... I can see how you are trying to hang onto any form of connection with your daughter.. I honestly can not begin to imagine how it would feel to have my own child pull so far away. I do not see how you can have a relationship with your grandkids if you do not have one with your daughter first. I would hope that if you give her the space she is asking for at this time, then she will see that you are really listening to her, and respecting her decisions... once she has that confidence in your relationship hopefully she will accept this as a new starting point for the future.
I do feel your anger, frustration, hurt and sadness.. remember, taking that step back is not saying goodbye
i am in a place of trying to accept my daughters behavoiur too, its not easy and i cant add much more than whats been written by other wise women here , i am just trying to be resposible for making my self happy :-[
I am on the journey now to disconnect in love and not anger. Some days are better than others. Today I
am ok. Thanks everyone, it does help to have people give you their opinions, thoughts and suggestons, for me
I really have to listen, even if what you say hurts or hits thenail on the head, I listen.
Glad you are feeling better today.. I know for me anger is my first reaction of self defense... it's wrong.. I know it's wrong... nothing positive comes from it because it's to easy to go from anger to revenge and justification. I know that my anger would be born out of frustration and fear.... I'd like to know why we don't go first into a happy and calm mode, and I guess some people do. It's kinda like food.. seems like all the easy stuff to reach for is the bad stuff
Irenec, your daughter's choices are hers alone and I wouldn't send her anything that might reminder her of you, for example, photographs with the two of you.
It's more than difficult to accept someone else's insistent choices but not to do so could just make things worse.
I would start a website for the grandchildren, and tell them about their family tree and memories that you have of the people who have passed away that they will never meet. I would not talk about the fact that you aren't on good terms with their mother, but pass on to them the photographs, etc. of the extended family that came before them. Your grandchildren will eventually be able to read about your family's background and their mother won't be able to keep them from knowing about you and their heritage. It will keep you busy and bring back some good memories to cover up the recent bad ones.
I would save the money for gifts in your name and leave it to a trusted lawyer to administer as an inheritance.
It's very difficult to get over the anger, it's part of the grief process, but acceptance comes eventually. Good luck,
Hi Irenic, We know you are listening~~but are you faithfully trying to achieve what we suggest to you??? I remember when my boys were little and I would ask them "What part of NO is it that you don't understand?" NO means NO...
We are not being mean or nasty, we are trying to help you with this. Their is NO grey area here, you need to let go and stop completely--grandchildren as well...Irenic, this does not mean that you do not Love them~~what it means is you are honoring your daughters wishes...She does not want any contact with you at all and the children as well.....AND, its OK.....yes, it is, for that is the way it has to be.....no matter how LONG it takes----Let her come to you, for the more you contact her and the children the more she is going to PUSH you away. It does not feel good being pushed away does it??? So dont do it, for it only HURTS more~~and causes more havic.
Maybe~~start a journal and write a little letter to your GC's everyday--but respectfully said--Please dont write anything nasty about their Mom-your daughter, for that just may end up opening up a new can of worms which you do NOT want.
I am certain your daughter loves you~~but she is growing and going thru whatever she needs to go thru---let her have her space and time to do so without you. She knows you Love her, she knows your door is open for her----so let her come to you.
Have you been reading any of the books which have been suggested to you? If not, please do so they will help you and give you Peace at this time., and there after...
Sending HUGS across the Miles for I just dont know what to say anymore...
Also remember~~everyday you do not contact her, is a day becoming closer to her!
Sorry I should have been more clear - I agree, don't send anything now! Keep your diary/letters/photos for later when the GC come on their own to get to know their GP. I'm so sorry you're going through this, Irenic. Take care.
Quote from: Laurie on March 04, 2011, 06:38:27 AM
Glad you are feeling better today.. I know for me anger is my first reaction of self defense... it's wrong.. I know it's wrong... nothing positive comes from it because it's to easy to go from anger to revenge and justification. I know that my anger would be born out of frustration and fear.... I'd like to know why we don't go first into a happy and calm mode, and I guess some people do. It's kinda like food.. seems like all the easy stuff to reach for is the bad stuff
Me too...but my first line of defense is usually sarcasm, because I am angry or hurt. I know it's wrong too and I'm working on it.
Gee Pooh together we'd be a force to reckon with if crossed negatively :) nothing worse then a PO smart a$$
Irenic
Accepting the fact of no-contact with your daughter is hard and not an easy thing to do. If we value ourselves, we teach others to treat us with respect. As the other ladies say "give her time" and she will come back to you. You deserve to be happy, start with little things that make you happy. Noone has the right to take that away from you. You are the captain of your life and you get to choose what your priorities are. now, your priority is to feel well and healthy.
Long time ago, my husband and I separated for 9 months. I suffered and mourn his departure. I got well, strong and continued with my life, after we got back together, we realized that this separation had been necessary to mend our differences. It is indeed what saved our marriage.
We sometimes do not understand why these things happen, but sometimes the outcome is good....very good.
I wish the best for you. Cheer up beautiful lady.
Love you
I've been a GK that has gone through the same thing, and I would've preferred my GPs just backed off when my mother had asked. Instead, they continued to to send me gifts and letters, then tried contacting us, showed up in the school parking lot to "visit" me and ultimately consulted a lawyer about visitation rights. I resent that they did all of this; I've never forgotten it. I love them, but I am well aware of the lengths they'll go to and the boundaries they'll cross because they can't manage their own pain. I can very well see them doing with me what they did with my mother. I would have preferred they allowed my mom and her family the space she was asking for, no matter how hard it was for them. Instead, they kept putting me in the middle, which made me uncomfortable; and overall, repeated the very same behaviors my mom was asking them to stop.
I can't put it into practice now, but I don't think I can do what my GPs did. If my child is asking for space and time apart from me, I have to grant her that; I think that automatically means no contact with her children either. She comes first to me, anyhow; as my child, no matter what she may do to me.
I like Pen's idea; b/c it's private, personal and non-invasive. I think if my GPs did that, they would've found some comfort and I certainly would've been touched. I would see they loved my mom enough to respect her wishes as well.
This is a great thread...about acceptance. Lets run with it. Sending love...
Acceptance: God Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, (people, family)
Courage to change the things I can, (my Life~~Myself)
And the wisdom to know the difference. ( it either is or is not-there is no gray area)
My road to acceptance began when I realized "it" was about them not me. Whew! (I had a little more trouble when I flipped out and realized "it" was about me and not them!) ;)
Quote from: luise.volta on March 04, 2011, 03:42:13 PM
My road to acceptance began when I realized "it" was about them not me. Whew! (I had a little more trouble when I flipped out and realized "it" was about me and not them!) ;)
This is so very true Luise and "it" does take sometime, until you finially do got "it." Love that one.....
Quote from: Faithlooksup on March 04, 2011, 04:00:15 PM
Quote from: luise.volta on March 04, 2011, 03:42:13 PM
My road to acceptance began when I realized "it" was about them not me. Whew! (I had a little more trouble when I flipped out and realized "it" was about me and not them!) ;)
"It" finally hit home yesterday that it isn't about me!!! Yahoo!!! - Will you please explain the other half, Luise? Have you suggestions on how to avoid the flipping out phase?
This is so very true Luise and "it" does take sometime, until you finally do got "it." Love that one.....
How did you become so confident, Faith? I truly admire that in you...
How did you become so confident, Faith? I truly admire that in you...
[/quote]Hi Rose and Thank You, however~~I will never claim to be "confident" in some situations for when you least expect it~~things can turn around and smack you right in the head.
But there comes a time, when you finially just "surrender" for the only battle which is going on is "with yourself"......This is only my personal view and experience...what works for you may be different.
I reached a point where I was just plum tired of focusing on the situation, the more we focus on it the "larger" it becomes, until we can not breathe anymore..........accepting what it is and knowing I can't do a dahm thing about it.....Begins your New Journey.......
So, when am I going to change?????? When am I going to STOP doing this to myself????? To Take back "my Power" which I gave them Ohhhhh to long..Tsk-Tsk...along with fighting with myself for I was the only one in battle--not them--they were living their own lives.....I finially just said--"enough is enough"--no ego involved----pure acceptance........
I have my job, my friends, other family memebers, I volunteer with organizations in my state and I do enjoy helping others.....for if you take the focus "out" of you--you wont see yourself so much..... and as soon as I would begin to think about my DS's~~i would push them out of my mind and say "NOPE, not today and not now." Then their were days that I would allow the tears to take over...I remember one day thinking to myself--"hey you cried yesterday and that is all thats allowed." I kept that promise to myself....
Ladies, we are a lot stronger than we think or give ourselves credit for...all we have to do is reach in and find that strength...pull it out and move forward. Remember who you are, have Faith and Believe in yourself....for someday, when its time...something amazing can happen and will.
Quote from: Faithlooksup on March 05, 2011, 09:49:08 AM
But there comes a time, when you finally just "surrender" for the only battle which is going on is "with yourself"......
My gosh, Faith, I have been beating my head against the wall, trying to reach the point of acceptance. That word, "acceptance" was
the problem. This situation with my dd is not acceptable to me, nor will it ever be. I have, however, learned to "surrender." I've surrendered all my dreams & expectations of my dd. I was clinging to the hope that dh & I could bond with gc, but just recently surrendered that dream, as well. Surrendering is the best I've got to offer, but thanks to you for making it click, I think it's enough to move forward~
Thank you, Faith, for helping me through the tunnel...
Accept:Verb: Consider or hold as true
Receive willingly something given or offered
React favorably to; consider right and proper
Tolerate or accommodate oneself to
Noun: The mental attitude that something is believable and should be accepted as true
The act of accepting with approval; favorable reception
The state of being acceptable and accepted
A disposition to tolerate or accept people or situations
Surrender: Verb: Give up or agree to forgo to the power or possession of another
Relinquish possession or control over
Noun: Acceptance of despair
A verbal act of admitting defeat
Interesting: I know there have been times in my life when the use of a specific word and the disuse of another made all the difference. Sending love...
Faith,
It is amazing that now you have this new confidence, and that you have stopped dwelling on the situation with your son, that he has now contacted you. I guess it is true that if we back off and have no contact, maybe they will contact us.
...and if they don't...maybe we will find a was to heal and survive. Tough stuff.