March 28, 2024, 04:31:42 AM

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - Bamboo2

46
Hi Sue,
Welcome to WWU.  So sorry about your situation, but glad you found us.  I second the wise posts by Luise and StillLearning.  It might be time to face a new direction.  You've survived a lot, and you have a lot to offer other people.  It just might be a matter of finding those other people and situations.  Wishing you all the best.  ((Hugs))
47
Hi Freya, and welcome!  It sounds like you have your plan in place - good for you!  You may find by stepping back that you will enjoy the peace and lack of drama.  I found that when my DD decided to pull a weeks-long silent treatment on me, that I needed to call her on it.  She denied it and hung up on me, and I actually did enjoy the peace and quiet.  I didn't even wait around for her to get in touch again.  It was freeing.  You have given this relationship your best shot, and now is a great time to focus on yourself.  All the best  :)
48
Hi Rosie,
Welcome to WWU!  I'm glad you found us, too.  As with all new members, we ask that you go to our "Open Me First" page and read the permanent posts there that explain our site better.  Please pay particular attention to our Forum Agreement to be sure that we are a proper fit for your needs.  We are a monitored website.

I don't have much to add to the great words by raindrops and jdtm.  The comforting thing about this website is that there are members who have walked a similar path to ours and have unique perspectives gained from that experience.  I'm sorry for what you are going through.  I've found that things do get better for me when I take care of myself and let go of what I can't control.  Simple but not easy, as Luise likes to say. Hugs!
49
Grab Bag / Re: 2017 Gratitude List
December 31, 2017, 10:46:33 PM
Hooray for you with your new cardiologist and meds, Luise!  So happy for you and all those whose lives you've touched and continue to touch, including mine!

Hubby and I shared the highlights of 2017, and at the top of our list is that our daughter is free of her old BF and all the trouble he was causing after four long years.  Her life and our relationship with her seem so much better. 

Warm wishes to all of you in the new year  :D
50
Grab Bag / Re: Happy Holidays!
December 23, 2017, 08:28:33 PM
Hello Luise and WWU members,
It's good to hear your DIL is so considerate and that you will be surrounded by cherished people, Luise.  My husband, son and I are celebrating with my husband's small family about five hours from home.  My daughter and her new BF both have to work so we will have a separate gathering with them after we get back home.  Feeling very thankful!  Enjoy your holidays, everyone!
51
Hi Justtired,
Welcome to WWU!  As with all new members, we ask that you go to our "Open Me First" page and read the permanent posts there that explain our site better.  Please pay particular attention to our Forum Agreement to be sure that we are a proper fit for your needs.  We are a monitored website.

Let me tell you that as I read your post, I could feel my abdominals tightening up, recalling my own daughter's adolescence and how tense it was in our household before she abruptly launched.  I can really relate to what you're going through.  It's a minefield.

When our situation at home became untenable with this DD at 18 (similar attitude as your daughter's plus a deadbeat boyfriend), she chose to move out with her BF and his mom, and we did not pay for her (well, we paid a few grocery bills and let her use our oldest car to get to HS in her senior year).  It actually did take the daily emotional pressure off us and gave us a breather to have her live away from home.  It was still a grieving process when she left, but /and she learned a lot.  She actually was proud of herself when she told me that she was regularly cleaning her BF's mom's house (which she never did unprompted at our home ). 

Now that your daughter is 19, your obligation of daily responsibility for her is over, and she should be acting like an adult.  Paying rent, doing chores, treating others respectfully, paying her own way financially, like any adult does.  If she were someone's roommate, they might have booted her out by now.  You have other children at home, and they are your primary concern at this time, just as your daughter was at that stage.  My take is that if this DD is not a contributing member of the household (chores, caring for younger sibs, rent-paying) and is not respectful to the other members, then she should find other living arrangements. 

You're welcome to read my daughter's story in the archives.  My first post was called "Heading for estrangement."  I can tell you that at 17 and 18 we had a very challenging relationship, and it is much better now at 22. 

Wishing you all the best.  As my dear mom is fond of saying (and I never believed it at the time, but it is true), this, too, shall pass.
52
Welcome, PJPrimrose!  I, too, have spent a lot of time in the archives.  I wrote down some pearls of wisdom I found there for future reference, and they have guided me through some rough patches.  I'm glad you are finding some guidance there, too.  Even though the stories are unique, there are common patterns and philosophies.  As I read posts from forums other than this one, I'm also appreciative of the gentle, supportive nature of WWU.  Wishing you the best on your journey!
53
I appreciate your sharing about your DS and your niece.  It takes time to see how a relationship will go, and so much depends on the motivation and persistence of the two partners.  Your niece and her husband seemed to have it.  Your son has exhibited it up to this point, and he is probably seeing some things about DIL differently than he did in the past.  The other thing is he is seeing how she interacts with their young children as their mother, which he probably never could have predicted before they became parents.  I can just imagine how hard it is for you to come off sounding neutral when he shares his insights with you.  Good job!  I'll bet he doesn't really have others to confide in about this situation, certainly not anyone else who knows everyone involved like you and your DH do.  You're in a unique position to offer a safe place for him to express himself.

My DD's BF called me on Thanksgiving to wish me and my family a happy day, and called again today to say he and DD were safely in the city they drove to overnight for his relative's funeral.  He told me when they would be driving back, planned a day to come visit us, and asked me if he could take her on a driving trip to visit other family members next month.  It was sweet.  Seems like he is trying hard to make her happy and connect with his and our families. 
54
Thanks, StillLearning.  There are issues that I think would best be handled that way, such as how they each spend/save money or how many hours they each work.  But what about drinking too much and getting into fights?  I don't want to give her the message that she just has to accept that (actually, when she relayed an incident recently, I just listened - I'm pretty proud of myself).  Her last relationship had issues when ex-BF drank too much and became abusive, so I thought she'd have her eyes wide open regarding alcohol use this time around.  Sigh....  Maybe this is a rebound relationship and it will take a few more to really learn the lesson. 

Also it seems I have to practice detaching from her relationship drama. I was optimistic about this guy so it's been a disappointment to hear of DD's recently expressed concerns.

More practice ....  :-\
55
That was really helpful, Luise.  Hopefully I will be able to benefit from your experiences.  I wish I could tell DD about the red flag.  I think part of her knows, but another part desperately wants this to be her forever love.  The counseling idea is good.  It was useful for me when I needed clarity.  At any rate, there will be learning from this relationship, as you say.  Same as from the last one.  We hope the lessons transfer from one relationship to the next.
56
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Should I speak up?
November 25, 2017, 08:05:21 PM
Hello, Wise Women!
My DD has a new guy in her life - and that's good in that the abusive ex-BF is unequivocally out.  Big sigh of relief there!  New BF seems friendly, kind and hard-working.

My new dilemma is this: DD has confided in me some things that new BF needs to change about himself to be a better partner.  What is my role here?  Listen and shut my mouth?  What about when she asks my opinion?  I know she is carefully "reading" my facial expression and non-verbals, and it's unfortunately too easy for me to speak up, even if it's just in a generic way about relationships, or examples of situations that I know of that are similar to what she is facing.

True confession: There are some things that I wish she hadn't shared with me and I worry that more is coming as the two of us  spend more time together next month. Does anyone have any experience in dealing with an AC sharing too much information?   

She has a tendency to move quickly in relationships, and I worry that she will be married within a year, with children soon to follow.  They've only been a couple for a few months and already she is living with him and his roommates.  I've spoken up about that - she claims she had to get out of a bad roommate situation (it WAS awful) and there is no one else to live with.  But I'm sure this is her number one preference anyway.

Any opinions are greatly appreciated.
57
Hi Nikncon,
I recognize your name from the archives, which I read extensively when I first joined WWU two years ago.  Sorry that your DS  sent you that email.  You responded perfectly!  I wish you all the best!
58
 :) Love that, Luise! 
59
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that, Cbzkit.  That sounds painful.  Be kind to yourself as you deal with this new reality coming soon. (((hugs!)))
60
 Hi Fairy Godmother, and welcome! We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We're a monitored Website. Thanks in advance!

I'm glad you found us.  I don't have experience with in-laws or grandchildren yet, but there are certainly others here who have.  I'm glad you are looking at some of the other posts - there are many women who have walked a journey similar to yours, a lot of wisdom to be gained in the archives.

It is so hurtful to not be around the ones you love during the holidays.  Holidays can be a difficult time for many of us.  They have sure been that way for me.  Keep reading and I hope you will hear from others soon.