March 29, 2024, 04:10:13 AM

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - gettingoldandcranky

61
totally understand what u are going thru.  dil just wants her family close and ds has gone along w/it.  when i keep pounding on the door yelling let me in they go into their own lil circle and ignore me.  so very hard - the silence is deafening.
each day is a struggle - and i sometimes slip up and call or email.  then i realize the sound of my voice in a message or my email showing up in their inbox is bringing them anger again and i am sorry i started knocking on their door again.
have to stay strong and do fun things each day.  i just keep praying that i will have some contact - hard to think it might be just the holidays when we live so close to them and i saw or at least talked to my foo every day when my kids where growing up.   each day is a challenge.  stay strong.
62
good for you!  you have a strong attitude which always helps.
my ds skyped with my dh for mother's day!  he knew i was away and didn't call me - his mother.
but i had made plans to do something fun and did have a good day.  it still really stings that he is so angry and dislikes me so much that he couldn't even hear my voice.  devastating.  but other son wished me happy day - he worked on my car and is helping me get strong and healthy.   i was a good mom - i am a good mom.  dil and ds can't ever take that away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
63
wish i could get past the idea of this and all other holidays too.   last yr, the phone call came at night after i spent all day waiting to hear, wondering if a call would come.  i am trying to read self help books, talk to friends who are supportive.  finding that fb is a killer for me, seeing others with pix and happy comments about their wonderful days.
my ds tells me that i am causing the problem - they're always open to visits.  then calls, emails that i make are ignored. how can i visit if they don't return calls? i called 2 wks ago, ds hasn't called since. his dad emailed about something silly and ds responded immediately.
it is just me that is a problem for them.  fully believe my dil is jealous.  ds needs to go along and won't deal w/my want to spend time with them.   miss my grands.
wish their hearts were more open  :-[
64
jdtm -  funny now that u mention- last time i tried to talk w/DS he said he always felt that we were his "safe place"
guess i didn't think of his meaning.  thanks for the perspective and perfect choice of words
65
thanks to all for the replies.
know that i have to accept what is - very hard.  when there is contact, it is so stressful. certainly want to spend time w/the babies.  wish the parents were not there to complain that i am breathing the wrong way  ;)   
66
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / shot down again
April 18, 2015, 07:48:46 AM
dil was going under anesthesia for something that was not shared with us - personal, not our business.  son asked if i would come and babysit - just an hour or so.  her mom was going w/her and ds was working.
when they come for easter, son tells me they don't want me to come now.  dil feels like she needs to entertain me and i would want to hang around too long.  i called son on this, saying this hurts me, but i understand if she will not feel well that she would not want me around.
then, when they leave to go home, i wish dil luck with procedure, and she says thanks for offering to help, but kids are used to babysitter and that would be better for them.
told ds that i was hurt and wanted to discuss this.  he never called until today, 2 wks later. 
i brought it up and he's telling me that i am changing how it happened and he doesn't understand why i am upset again.
he says i am welcome to visit anytime but i always feel stressed and exhausted with dil doing her fake happy that u're here, but happier when u leave.
wish i could stop contacting ds.  can't seem to let him go - i keep poking and getting hurt.
i don't deserve this treatment but keep asking for it. 
just unnecessarily hard
67
just want to send u a hug.  going thru up days and down days here too.  just realizing the down days always happen after i see my ds and dil or try to contact them.  ds doesn't answer calls or emails - forget dil.  i don't even hear about cards or checks - she cashes them but never calls to say thank you so i have stopped sending and acknowledging her bday, mothers day, etc.   if we spend time w/them to see my grandkids, something is always said that takes a good day and makes it hearbreaking.  sometimes i do feel so much better with no contact - just heartbreaking not to see the little ones.
68
Even though this had to be painful to hear, i think it would be better than constantly trying to figure out what is wrong.  i get hurt every time we spend time w/DS and DIL but have to bear it to see the grands.
Think we are having a nice time and something always goes wrong - or she manages to get in a zinger to keep us in our place.
The idea of a sit down talk is kinda a waste - don't feel that DIL would be honest in her dislike of us.  The truth might just be nice.
69
i sympathize, dez.  going thru same thing here.  dil is close to her foo - understandable.  but leaves our side of family out completely.  blocks visits, no invitations to events - no calls, no cards, no gifts.  our ds seems to be open and loving to her family but she blocks us out as often as possible.  am always inviting and nice - more at the beginning of the relationship.  devastatingingly hurtful when grandbabies came.  but, with the help of this and other sites, know that i am not alone.  and time makes it a little easier.  if i dwell too much on it, it can be very depressing.  but, it is what it is, i have tried.   just come here to vent and look for support.  that has helped me a lot.
70
sorry freespirit that u had to go through that.  something i want to work on is speaking up for myself when things happen or are said.  think that standing up for myself is something i need to do.  maybe if you had said something when he was making a scene it might not have changed his attitude but u might have felt better
71
it is funny and sad that i too put up with lots of my mil.  because she loved her son and her grandchildren and why would i hurt someone by taking that away?  didn't hurt my life (too much) to make her happy.  and my husband and my children had another person in their lives who loved them completely.  will NEVER understand how my dil thinks that her babies will care any less for her or their other grandmother if i could get to know and love them.  smh.........
72
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Sabotaging DIL
November 17, 2013, 06:22:10 AM
same thing happening here.  keep sticking my toes in and getting hurt again.  very,very hard.  over time i guess it will get easier.
luv to come here and know i am not alone.
73
thanks louise.  i am not invisible and i do matter.  sitting here again after making attempts at contact - emails and phone call - with no responses.
will try again to back away.  i do well for awhile - make no contact.  then, when ds makes contact, i get involved again and end up getting hurt - again.  this is so hard.  and the holidays make it stand out even more.
thanks for the support.
74
people who do not acknowledge gifts should not be given gifts.  agree, but what happens with christmas?  we have always had lots of gifts at christmas and i want my grands to have the enjoyment and excitment of coming to grandma's and seeing a packed tree.
but, dont want to give to dil and ds.  they have left us out - never call, never email.  just ignore and i miss this relationship.  i want to see them at the holiday, but don't want to give them any gifts.  thinking of just gifting the kids.
75
thanks for advice.  know i have to decide.  i need to make a decision one way or another.  just a hard one - knowing that if i say no to mil they might not come.  but SO tired of being left out of everything - i'm not invited to things that she can participate in.  i sound so jealous and i am.  don't like being disrespected.