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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: 2chickiebaby on January 03, 2010, 09:04:48 AM

Title: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 03, 2010, 09:04:48 AM
I'm still mad that we allow people to come in here, treat them with respect, be it MIL or DIL and they turn around and use our words against us!! I don't know when I will ever trust a DIL again.  Their psychology (the flick ant portion they have) is just enough to be dangerous. 

Some of them come in here to just view the member list.  God knows what they are doing with it.  They are mean and are so unhappy with themselves and their little lives that they take us and try to do further damage to an already damaged heart. 

"If DH wants to see his Mom and Dad, I will let him".....thanks a whole lot!  Let's give the little lady a scarf for her head...she's so martyrish.  You will let him... how big of you.

I'll let you know when I'm not mad anymore.  That's part of what's wrong with me.  I don't allow myself the luxury of getting really mad.  I'm really mad now.
Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: cocobars on January 03, 2010, 09:20:26 AM
Hi chickiebaby!

I could be wrong, but they may be checking the member's list to see if their MIL's are members.  Don't be mad.  At least they know we are all here trying and supporting eachother, instead of feeling discarded...
Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 03, 2010, 09:21:58 AM
Thanks, Coco...
Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: Peace on January 03, 2010, 02:38:41 PM
Try not to be victimized to their manipulation and control.  For some reason, this is giving them pleasure! Don't allow it!  Continue to stay in integrity, even if don't want to!!!
Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: greeneyes100 on January 03, 2010, 03:18:05 PM
THERE IS A QUOTE   DONT BE SAD   GET  MAD
Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: cocobars on January 03, 2010, 04:31:00 PM
Even mad can be considered "growth."

At first there's hurt, the second natural process is getting "mad" (from my understanding).  Mad is something we work through to reach understanding and a solution.  Does that make sense?
Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: Peace on January 03, 2010, 05:20:49 PM
Makes great sense!  Just another emotion we have to experience to get to the other side.
Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: cocobars on January 03, 2010, 05:46:57 PM
Thank you Peace!  I don't remember the other emotion, do you?  My DH was a psychologist but that was years ago, and I'm obviously not a psychologist!  LOL!
Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: Peace on January 03, 2010, 05:59:43 PM
I think it is the same emotions as grieving from a death. When my dad died two years ago I had a hospice counselor work with me for a full year.  I am now caretaking my mom and the only caretaker.  She lived in the era where the man completely ran the household and she was completely sheltered.  She was married to my dad for sixty years.  She still lives on her own but I handle all of her affairs.  Her short term memory is getting really bad and this subject is just another major part of my life.  Anyway, the emotions are (I think):

Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
Anger (why is this happening to me?)
Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
Depression (I don't care anymore)
Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

Does this sound right?
Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: cocobars on January 03, 2010, 06:06:35 PM
It does, absolutely.  The process is the same for hurt.  It's something we work through every day, but don't even realize we are doing it until something really awful happens (like your dad).  I'm sorry to hear about that, by the way.  I take care of my elderly parent's too!  I figure I owe it to them to see them out.  they saw me in and helped me through some tough times.  Right now, it's their turn.  Later it will be MINE!

It's not easy though!  I hear you!
Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: Peace on January 03, 2010, 06:25:25 PM
Thanks Coco,

I wouldn't have it any other way as well.  My parents took real good care of my brother and I.  My brother passed away in 1991 from pancreatic cancer.  He was only 41 years of age.  But it isn't easy.  She depends on me for every decision.  Lots of patience!  I have "my days"!  You know, I feel sorry for myself because I have a full plate and just wanna run away.  And then I snap out of it and realize that so many people have it so much worse than I.  I love my mom very much and want her to be joyful as possible!  My dad's death has been very difficult for her.
Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: cocobars on January 03, 2010, 06:27:08 PM
Bless your heart!
Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: greeneyes100 on January 03, 2010, 06:39:12 PM
Hi Peace,  what I do is have a pity party even if it is just with myself. I allow a period time not too long for my party then it is over and on I move
Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: Peace on January 05, 2010, 03:33:43 PM
So true, greeneyes!  The "pity party" is good for the soul and I usually have the party by myself or vent to a friend......and then it's over until the next time......thanks!!!
Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: mom2 on January 05, 2010, 08:17:32 PM

Even mad can be considered "growth."
/i]

Even a kick in the butt is a push forward !!!!!



Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: cremebrulee on January 06, 2010, 07:56:23 AM
Quote from: Peace on January 03, 2010, 05:59:43 PM
I think it is the same emotions as grieving from a death. When my dad died two years ago I had a hospice counselor work with me for a full year.  I am now caretaking my mom and the only caretaker.  She lived in the era where the man completely ran the household and she was completely sheltered.  She was married to my dad for sixty years.  She still lives on her own but I handle all of her affairs.  Her short term memory is getting really bad and this subject is just another major part of my life.  Anyway, the emotions are (I think):

Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
Anger (why is this happening to me?)
Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
Depression (I don't care anymore)
Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

Does this sound right?

Boy, aren't those hospice workers wonderful...I've never met medical workers that were so caring and compassionate before....when my foster mom was going....they were wonderful!!!!  We were all so thankful for their expertise and acting like human beings...she was in a good clean place...it was beautiful....and how loving they were....when my mom left, they were there crying with us...saying she was such a lovely person...they all loved her...be it true or not, they knew exactly just what to say and how to advise us....what wonderful women!!!!!
Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: cremebrulee on January 06, 2010, 08:12:41 AM
yanno, I have to admit, I went to that other site...I was called the resident physcolgist here, and a know it all and a narcissistic....and the woman who was writing this, said, she loved to come here and read what we MIL's had to say...b/c it helps her know what hurts and bothers her MIL all the more...and she intends to use it against her MIL....

That is how utterly hateful and vindictive some of these young women are...it's shocking isn't it...?  But it also helps me understand where my DIL is coming from and what she's feeling.  I can honestly say...this is the type of person, you will never resolve anything with....never...it's a lost cause...

I didn't get angry, but what I felt was sympathy for that young woman, and more so, her husband and MIL, little do they know the hurt  they're lives are in for.....

whoever she may be...it is very sad, to be that hateful and contemptable, to actually desire to hurt another human being like that is not only dispicable...but your husband's own mother...????  Sheesh....I wonder what he would say, if he could read her comments....how hurt he would be...

yanno, it's not just about her, but the lives she will continue to effect in a very negative way...hers, her husbands, her MIL, FIL, and most of all her children...she will teach them contempt and hate...and teach them to hate they're MIL....one can only hope, that her husband finds out what kind of woman she is before they have children....

We are so blind when we marry, are we not?

I take comments like that and think, "that is how my DIL is".....so hateful...so out of touch...socially unacceptable behavior...

that is the same kind of hate that starts wars and kills people....and I know there are MIL's out there like this...what I can't understand, is the fact that they don't even realize, let alone care how they treat others...or the pain they cause for so many other lives...for the rest of they're lives...a truly life altering person....a person who will hurtfully change people's lives forever...

So, your main goal in life, is to learn how to irritate and hurt MIL more?  What a small world she must live in....sad....very sad....

to sum it up...I believe we should be aware of this...not to learn how to retaliate, but more so, to get out of our own little plastic bubbles and realize, that there are really people out there like this....and learn how to deal with them in a controlled, kind, and understanding manner...hate breeds hate...but sometimes love can create miracles.

I know when this first started with my DIL, I was in such a state of complete shock at her behavior towards me...and deep inside, I actually knew what she was doing, but preferred to be in denial and consider that I must have done something to spark this behavior...and try so darn hard for 12 years....sheesh?  I wish I had known then, what I know now...

Oh well, just thinking out loud...

I know I do come off as a know it all...however, my main goal is to share all my experiences...and hope that by telling my stories...that someone else gains from my mistakes...I can't live anyone's life for them, or tell people how to live, but what I can do is talk, and tell people about my achievements and my failures, along with my bad choices and experiences...in hopes that it may prevent someone from making the same mistakes as I did.   And to those of you who are my age, age is also on our side...life experiences through age, is really a great teacher isn't it?  We all know where we went wrong....and what we would change if we could....but sometimes we need to talk about it and share...

And believe me, once a mother always a mother, and these DIL's who feel that we should no longer love our sons, that our sons are now they're properties...I got another think coming...someday, they will feel the same way about they're children, and because they are who they are, they're children will turn around and leave, and I would hate to see how they are as MIL's.   

So, if I come off as a know it all, please know, that I don't mean to...I am just a very open person who cares about people...I'm not a counselor, nor do I have all the answers and have definately made my share of mistakes....big ones...

Just wanted to let you all know that I do care and I may not always have the right answers...and I don't mind, if anyone points that out to me...as long as they are genuine and caring back....and I beleive we all feel that way...I believe this is truly a very productive site, if it were not, other new DIL's wouldn't be venturing in...

and by the way, I'd also like to say, to you new DIL's, it takes an awful lot of courage to break away from the cliches and stand on your own for what you believe in to be right....which shows, you have a lot of wisdom and compassion for the feelings of others...your taking the time to find out a MIL's perspective, not to hurt back, but to understand the why's of her behavior and perhaps, resolve the issue. 


Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: isitme? on January 06, 2010, 08:24:57 AM
Quote from: cremebrulee on January 06, 2010, 08:12:41 AM
....and the woman who was writing this, said, she loved to come here and read what we MIL's had to say...b/c it helps her know what hurts and bothers her MIL all the more...and she intends to use it against her MIL....

That IS contemptible...it makes me very sad.

Creme, you are not being a know it all... you are sharing your insights and wisdom with all of us who really need to hear these things.  I've lost count of all the great responses you have had to many of my posts...including the last one! 

I think the main problem we are all trying to work on is how to deal with someone who is unhealthy...someone who tries to find out an MILs perspective just so she can learn how to hurt her????  that actually sounds quite sick to me.  Listening to all of you here has helped reassure me that's I'M not the one with the problem - my MIL is sick the same way as many of your DILs.  She is nothing like the MILs here.  I certainly know how I could "hurt" her but would I?  never!    the most I'm hoping for is learning how to stop being hurt by her..

We can never change these people - but we can recognize them for who they are and deal accordingly.  At least, that's what I'm trying to do.  But it's good to get the reality check....

As angry as I get, most of the time I just feel sad for people like this - I would hate to be them because it seems like a really sad and lonely and miserable way to live...  :-\
Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 06, 2010, 08:33:13 AM
but some DILs say that we know very well why the DIL is doing this....why she gives dirty looks and that we are pathetic people having had bad childhoods and for a brief time, were happy with our kids here.  All until SHE came along.  They say we are "N's" and needy and whatever else it is.  Some of the DILs say that they come here just for fun and that they've been cyberstalked by us because they've used their same names here and also post there.

I'd be surprised if any MIL did that but that's what they say.  I don't know VERY WELL why my DILs do these things or why they're so interested in control.  I do not get it.  I'm not stupid....I am educated.  I have a heart, though.  Wish I didn't.  (this, they say is some kind of manipulation on my part or neediness or whatever else it is) 

Why are they so mean?  That's another thing....they love to see us hurt over what they've said on their site. They make fun of us.

They say there are 2 women on our site who post the most.....both are pathetic, sad creatures.  (thanks a lot)
Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: isitme? on January 06, 2010, 08:41:48 AM
chickie, PLEASE don't let them get to you.  No, you are not perfect - neither am I.  But if you were really such a terrible person, you would have been called out on this site much earlier.  These women are mean for the same reason my FMIL can be so mean - they are unhappy with themselves and taking it out on you.

Please please please stop reading those DIL sites and thinking about them.  They are not talking about you at all - as a FDIL I can see that your DILs have issues.  Have you contributed to the problems in the past?  sure, maybe... I know I have too.  But you're not the root of the problem it seems - please try to take some comfort in that.

have you gotten through emotional vampires yet?  What did you think?  It really helped me realize what the qualities of narcissism are like - but also made me realize that I sometimes verge towards the obsessive compulsive and passive aggressive spectrum.  Not in a vampire way but those are just some of my flaws... but the section at the end of each chapter is helpful because it suggests ways to improve if you recognize some of those characteristics in yourself... the whole point is that you SHOULD recognize some of those traits in yourself - because none of us are perfect.  But when you CAN'T see your flaws, that's when you become a vampire.....
Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: cremebrulee on January 06, 2010, 08:44:20 AM
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on January 06, 2010, 08:33:13 AM
but some DILs say that we know very well why the DIL is doing this....why she gives dirty looks and that we are pathetic people having had bad childhoods and for a brief time, were happy with our kids here.  All until SHE came along.  They say we are "N's" and needy and whatever else it is.  Some of the DILs say that they come here just for fun and that they've been cyberstalked by us because they've used their same names here and also post there.

I've been cyberstalked by one inparticular woman, who claims to be my age, although, I've had so so many people ask me if she was my DIL?  I dunno, and I don't care...sometimes Chickie, I really don't care...I mean, I don't want to hurt my DIL...but I've told nothing but the truth...and to be honest...she needs to have someone hit her upside the head with a 2 x 4 to wake her up...this life is not just about her...and she is hurting so many people...

but yeah, I know about being cyberstalked....the woman has the nerve to come into the threads I start and proceed to discredit me...and all the things she accuses me of doing, she has done...I've even had people call me or write me and tell me that...but hey?  What the heck?

I'd be surprised if any MIL did that but that's what they say.  I don't know VERY WELL why my DILs do these things or why they're so interested in control.  I do not get it.  I'm not stupid....I am educated.  I have a heart, though.  Wish I didn't.  (this, they say is some kind of manipulation on my part or neediness or whatever else it is) 

I think Chickie, they have way to much time on they're hands, and they live this tragic soap opera life....yanno?  They are insecure, and subconsciously live out this tragic life to verify to themselves that it's ok to be so miserable and make other miserable...who knows?  But, it is sad...

QuoteWhy are they so mean?  That's another thing....they love to see us hurt over what they've said on their site. They make fun of us.

Let them, who cares, Chickie...if we were wrong, and we were hateful and they're words were true...then this site wouldn't be off to such a successful start, not to mention...every one here understands each others problems...they don't attack, they are looking to resolve problems not make them...that is the difference.  Remember, these people are angry a lot of times and don't even know why...think about how sad that is...

They say there are 2 women on our site who post the most.....both are pathetic, sad creatures.  (thanks a lot)

Well, they are talking about me to hun...pathetic and sad, yes, but it doesn't hurt me...it makes me smile...it's jealousy....yanno, the person at work who talks about someone to all the new workers and says, stay away from her...

well, she is the one that everyone stays away from...when people talk badly about another, you tend to wonder....yanno?

Hugs and thanks for all you've done...and don't worry about those young women who speak so badly of us...Chickie...someday, they will reap what they have done...
Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: cremebrulee on January 06, 2010, 08:46:35 AM
and know Ladies, that you are loved...very much, all of you!!!!!  ;D
Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 06, 2010, 08:49:39 AM
Okay....I really hate to be people's entertainment...but thank you.
Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: cocobars on January 06, 2010, 08:50:21 AM
mom2,

I'm sorry if I offended you with my remark about mad being part of growth.  I can assure you that was not my intent.  I'm no expert, but just giving my opinions, and I do realize that my opinions are not everyone else's opinions.  I am probably more simple minded that most women but do not want to offend anyone here, because you have all been so kind to me.  Please accept my sincerest apologies for being silly enough to believe that.  I don't expet everyone to agree.
Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: cremebrulee on January 06, 2010, 08:53:34 AM
[quote author=isitme?
That IS contemptible...it makes me very sad.
As angry as I get, most of the time I just feel sad for people like this - I would hate to be them because it seems like a really sad and lonely and miserable way to live...  :-\
[/quote]

thanks so much for your kind words of support...and know, I used to get really upset and taken back when they would hammer me, and tell me I was the problem, not my DIL...

They're words were harsh and I would sometimes sit and cry....but now, I've grown pretty thick skinned...and it doesn't bother me in the least...and yes, I do feel very sorry for them...yanno, God answers prayers in so many ways...

I know you all know, that we all have good up times, and some down times, and there are times when we doubt ourselves....well...and here I go with another story...

the other night I was having a somewhat down time, wishing things were different and all...and my neighbor stops over...

ok, she called me 2:30 in the morning and asked me if I would take her to the emergency room...sure I did...

anyway, she's sitting there talking to me, and asking me if I know a certain person at work....apparently her daughter knows this woman, and her daughter was telling this woman how her mother's neighbor took her mother to the emergency room and picked her up...and she said my name...well, this woman said, "OMG, I know her, she is the nicest person!!!"  and so forth...but it really made my day to hear that...so, when we're down, we have to learn to look for the reassuring gifts which are sent to us....yanno?

Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 06, 2010, 08:55:23 AM
Okay, I'll quit....it's like a magnet pulling me to see what they're saying.  One of the ones posting was a poster here.  They make fun of us.

I'm glad we have DILs here who care about us....thank you, Isitme!! 

I am going to read more about the Vampires today.  I have found CDIL in almost every passage.  I have also found her husband...our son.  When I look at the other DIL, I can see her too...it's written very well.  I should be equipped for battle when I'm done!!

I was stalked too, Creme....really bad.  When I see the "guests" looking up my original name, I shudder.  I wonder when they're coming to get me.  Thank goodness for Luise...OY

  Listen up, "guests", she won't tolerate it here.
Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: Sassy on January 06, 2010, 08:57:39 AM
Creme Brulee, you are not a know-it-all, not-at-all.  ;D  You are wonderful, nurturing, and generous with your sharing your experiences.

I hesitated to respond to this because Luise has asked us more than once not to bring the content of hate-sites over here to her site.

But I wanted to let you know, Creme, just how warm and knowledgeable and kind your posts come across.



Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: cremebrulee on January 06, 2010, 09:01:54 AM
yanno, Chickie, it's ok to go into those sites...and maybe this is your journey, to learn from, to instead, understand these women who are making these remarks and learning pity for them, instead of anger or dislike...all these things are life experiences...and I know I've asked you not to go into those sites, but at the end of the day, you have to do what you feel is best for you...and deal with it your way...me, I don't get angry, or hurt or feel anything but pity for those women.,...it's very sad, b/c they are missing out on so much of life and life's experiences.

Hey, I had a MIL who was very controlling and sometimes a real pain in the butt, but did I HATE her...NO!  I would have never ever done anything to hurt her, or even talked to her cruely...and I learned so much from her...especially how not to be, as a MIL when my son grew up....and to this day, I do respect her and love her...she is old now, and I feel so bad for her...yet, she is still very strong at heart...and please note, she did teach me so many things, and she loved me...that I know....I was young, dead set on doing things my way, very immature and took things she said as a personal attack against my character....or like she was saying to me, I was doing it all wrong, but she wasn't nor did she mean to...she was simply trying to be helpful and she was confident....

Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: cocobars on January 06, 2010, 09:03:06 AM
Wow!  What happened!
Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 06, 2010, 09:08:56 AM
I just want to stop getting my feelings hurt.  The only way to do that is to quit going there.  Okie dokie......I just will. 
Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: cocobars on January 06, 2010, 09:10:18 AM
Did I miss something?
Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 06, 2010, 09:13:26 AM
Dear Sweet Coco,
You really didn't miss anything.  It's about another site that we're not supposed to be talking about and bringing it over here and I did.  I'm a horrible student and I need to get a paddling.  (sorry, I mean "time out")
Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: cremebrulee on January 06, 2010, 09:13:56 AM
Quote from: Sassy on January 06, 2010, 08:57:39 AM
Creme Brulee, you are not a know-it-all, not-at-all.  ;D  You are wonderful, nurturing, and generous with your sharing your experiences.

I hesitated to respond to this because Luise has asked us more than once not to bring the content of hate-sites over here to her site.

But I wanted to let you know, Creme, just how warm and knowledgeable and kind your posts come across.

Sassy, thanks so much...for your support and kindness...

I do and can come off tough...I think reason being is b/c I was the only girl in a neighborhood of 17 boys...I worked with boys, played with them, grew up knowing all about hunting, fishing, camping, football, baseball, yes, I was a tomboy...but I learned to be very cut and dry...I'm not what you would call a girly girl...hate shopping and soap operas....so, maybe that will help some of you be able to be a little more tollerent of me, and know that I only want to help, not hurt...

as far as bring hate sites here...I believe in discussing it, as we are now, that is healthy, although I could be wrong...maybe this to is a no no? 

But, in the end...we're sharing stories, and helping each other through these things....and, in my case, going to those hate sites, helped me understand my DIL's behavior even more....to finally realize, nothing I could say or do would change things, that it was her goal and decission to keep things this way....

and I understood why....and I don't say that in a hateful way....

but I feel like we're all becoming sisters....LOL, members of a ya ya social club...LOL....

Seriously, thank you ladies...so very much.....



Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 06, 2010, 09:15:03 AM
Okay.....thank you, Survivor.
Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: cremebrulee on January 06, 2010, 09:17:01 AM
Quote from: Survivor on January 06, 2010, 09:12:48 AM
Think of it this way. Those words that were written are invalid, don't even pretend they are valid for one reason by even giving it enough attention to even read the words. Let the words get lost in internet space with no reaction, because no reaction is what they deserve.

You are worth more then that, you deserve to be happy, you are a good person who does not deserve to hear or read any abusive words. Don't read on there because you love yourself enough not to.

No truer words were ever spoken, I so totally agree....

thank you survivor....

Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: cocobars on January 06, 2010, 09:18:15 AM
Well, I'm not spanking you.  Everyone is allowed to make their own mistakes.  Isn't that why we're here? 

Slap, slap.  Now don't do that again (I hope you're ok..)
Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 06, 2010, 09:19:40 AM
Of course we're okay, Cocobars....!! Always :)

Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 06, 2010, 09:26:27 AM
We are like Soul Sisters here.  I love it!  Thank all of you...
Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: cremebrulee on January 06, 2010, 09:28:40 AM
Quote from: Survivor on January 06, 2010, 09:07:57 AM
Cremebrulee and Chickiebaby, I am sorry for what you read on there. Please don't take it as if it has any truth to it. Take it with a grain of salt and know that both of you have helped me so much already. You are both doing a world of good to others with all you have to say and all your support. I appreciate both of you very much.

I am still not going to go on and read, but I sure am tempted.

Thanks so much survivor, much appreciate...but honest, for me, it doesn't upset me...it gives me a new perspective on how cruel some people can be...
I live in this protective plastic bubble of a world, believing that all people mean me no harm and I can trust everyone...but, that is not true, and it's actually pretty naieve to think that way, not only setting myself up to get hurt...so, for me, it was more of a reality check then hurtful...

I've grown so much and really don't care what others think of me...especially cruel strangers with sharp tongues on the internet...I've had so many good friends in my lifetime...loyal and true....and have a wonderful family.  Yanno, a gal who came to our home for Christmas dinner wrote me a thank you note and said, I'm a very lucky woman to have so many nice friends and family...

and I am survivor....

I really thank God for my life experiences...both good and bad....
Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: cremebrulee on January 06, 2010, 09:30:43 AM
Hey Anna, how are you doing today?

Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: cremebrulee on January 06, 2010, 09:45:19 AM
maybe you should take up self defense or some kind of physical exercise to help get out that frustration...I know when I worked out, it helped so very much...Displace the frustration into something else...hey, at least your getting along with her...my cousin did what your doing...and it really paid off, they are very close now, so perhaps much better days are coming for you Anna....

Hugs Anna....
Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: RedRose on January 06, 2010, 10:06:34 AM
Anna,

I, also, have chosen to go along with everything because I want just to keep peace. It's easier on my nerves.
Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: RedRose on January 06, 2010, 10:14:23 AM
Like Creme said....at least now we are getting along and I hope it pays off in the future
Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 06, 2010, 10:21:41 AM
Rose and Anna,
What else can we do?  I'm so controlled by one of them that I feel like I'm in prison.  You dare not ask her for anything...I mean even to tell her that the other son and DIL are here and can they come over?

They just don't show...it's all for control.  It is so tedious..and not at all necessary. I think she's a Vampire. ? :-\?
Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: Orly on January 06, 2010, 10:23:52 AM
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I think the main problem we are all trying to work on is how to deal with someone who is unhealthy...someone who tries to find out an MILs perspective just so she can learn how to hurt her????  that actually sounds quite sick to me. 
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I'm sorry Isitme, I have to disagree.  I really don't think giving people who act in a mean and vindictive way, an "out" by saying they are unhealthy.  Yes, some people are ill.  Most are just plain mean.  You could say they have an unhealthy aspect to their personalities but, it isn't anything that can be corrected by therapy.  (Think sociopaths, they are just wired wrong and cannot be changed.  They don't have it in them to make those corrections, no matter how hard and long you work at it.)  Some are just not as far along the mean-o-meter as others.

They learned early in school that it was "fun" for them to act out their bullying tendencies and the methods of getting away with it.   Refining the methods as they grow, they get a sense of empowerment.  That is, until they run into someone with a backbone who will stand up to them!  Then, finding out their tricks and hatefulness won't work to "subdue" the "Hard place", they resort to name calling, trying to tear down the emotional well-being, or the happiness of that impediment.  They are active in cultivating this trait, refining it and perfecting it.  They have NO DESIRE to change.  Appealing to their sense of right is just a futile act, because that sense is telling them, all they do is right and perfect.

In my opinion, if you know what the heck you are dealing with then you can make the adjustments needed to keep YOU happy and sane.

Creme,
You know you are a strong woman.  That site you continue to visit is your sense of right working...you just can't believe there are those that mean spirited walking around and you keep checking to see if the lightbulb has gone off in their souls.  It isn't happening anytime soon, so please, stop going back to flip that switch, the bulb is going to remain dim for some time.  They see you as a threat to their fun and games, so of course you are a big target.  "SNAP" to their nasty comments.  They aren't constructive  or even very original, ignore them and let them wander in the dark as long as needed for their self-improvement.

To all the ladies,
Sometimes I come off very blunt, please don't take it as a personal attack or anything of that sort.  I do suffer from foot-in-the-mouth on occasion, BUT I am just as quick to get my lash of remorse out to apply to myself too.
Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: cremebrulee on January 06, 2010, 10:47:00 AM
Hi Orly...

I don't know if Isitme was trying to give them an out by saying what they did was sick...but I can't speak for her, just saying, that I don't believe she was...I believe she is sickened by they're behavior....at least that is how I took her post...

In all honesty I went to that site only three times to read, when it was pointed out to me by someone, that I was being talked about...I'd been there before, way before this site, only read...and was also sickened by some of the comments by DIL's.  I have been to other sites, totally unaware of what kind they were, until after reading a little, and can now conclude pretty quickly if I want to be a member or not....

I do agree with everything you have said...adding, that bullies do not really like people who take they're rudenss, (they view us as weak)  do you know, I've heard people say, that saying "I'm sorry" is a sign of weakness? 

Bullies have no respect for anyone who take they're bad behavior..and are actually challenged by someone who is not afraid to stand up to them....I really do wish, I'd have been myself and stood up to my DIL...but she is my son's wife, and I didn't want to hurt him or her.  Anyway, I've read that on several different human behavior sites...

but I enjoyed reading your post and agree with everything you said...

very honest and knowledgeable, thank you





Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: Orly on January 06, 2010, 11:09:13 AM
In my experience, standing up to a bully makes them back off and leave you the heck alone.  My step father was a big one to everyone that would let him get away with it. With me, he found that hard wall that refused to knuckle under to it.  Every few years he would try a different tactic and get the same results....NONE!  He finally stopped trying and learned to treat me like a human being.
Title: Re: I'M STILL MAD
Post by: isitme? on January 06, 2010, 12:25:10 PM
Orly,
I wasn't trying to give these people an "out" by using the word sick or unhealthy....their behavior is "sick" in the sense that it is abominable.  However, that reminds me of a good line I was once told - "You can cure crazy with pills and therapy, but there's just no cure for a mean black heart."

I agree with the point about bullies - nothing scares a bully more than someone who will stand up to them.