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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: sadat46 on November 18, 2009, 11:33:07 AM

Title: Son's girlfriend and their new baby - she took both
Post by: sadat46 on November 18, 2009, 11:33:07 AM
Hi All,

My son and his girlfriend live together.  My hubby and I helped them move and I bought them things.  Long story short she is extremely mad at me and I am not allowed to see the new baby.  I said and did some things that broke "her rules" and I asked for forgiveness but she said that forgiveness is not given lightly by her and it will take some time.

I really want to be over this.  I am seeking some counseling just to learn how to deal with this.  My son is caught in the middle.  She is a very controlling person.  She says I hurt her Mom and best friend.  She did not tell her Mom that she was pregnant until right before she had the baby.  They live out of state. I told her to tell her Mom.  She said I hurt her Mom by telling her I knew first.   I did not tell her, she asked me.

I really hate to lose my son and a grandbaby. 

All this came to attention this past Sunday.   What can I do?  I sent an email deeply apologizing and she replied with a very strong email pretty much saying she doesn't forgive me.

I have gone from hurt to anger to hurt again.

I just really feel inadequate.
Title: Re: Son's girlfriend and their new baby - she took both
Post by: Pen on November 18, 2009, 11:46:19 AM
My thoughts are with you during this confusing, hurtful time. This site is helping me, I hope it can help you.
Title: Re: Son's girlfriend and their new baby - she took both
Post by: luise.volta on November 18, 2009, 12:01:11 PM
It seems to me like you are on the right track. You have admitted your wrongs and apologized. It's probably time for a "time out." Counseling was very wise and I hope you let her know that you have been willing to go that far.

Sometimes it's hard to learn "new rules"...many of us have come across this issue, tripped and fallen.

Sending good thoughts.
Title: Re: Son's girlfriend and their new baby - she took both
Post by: sadat46 on November 18, 2009, 12:16:12 PM
Thank you.  Yes I have committed to time out but I still don't think I deserve to be punished.  I think there is some jealousy on her part and undeserving actions towards me.  She got pregant right before this recent pregnancy and lost it and then turned around and got pregnant again.   My son and her are not married.  I think she is very manipulating.  I know a woman does not conceive on her own but I was always responsible to take birth control when necessary.   She is 28 and my son is 25.

I am just so frustrated.  My son hurts me because he knows if I said something or did something I was only trying to help and not hurt anyone.

I truly am a good loving person. 

The one thing I plan to do is request to help with the nursery on Sundays at church.  That might help me with the urge to want to hold my new grandbaby.

I am sure I can find one to babysit some on the weekends. 

I was just so excited about having one.  I am 46 and have a daughter and step son.  I know my step son would not allow this to happen.  His Mom would even share with me.  I am really not that hard to get along with.
Title: Re: Son's girlfriend and their new baby - she took both
Post by: AnnieB on November 18, 2009, 01:30:56 PM
Hello, and welcome Sadat46,

I'm in the same boat for different reasons, so I can only add to what others have said. 

This site and the people who post here have helped me a lot, so I hope you'll read and stick around.

My DIL is still not speaking to me and hasn't responded to my written apology (she lives abroad).    I have received from my son the same message "this will take some time".    My son is the man in the middle, and I have mixed feelings about how he's handling this.

Hang in there and here!

Title: Re: Son's girlfriend and their new baby - she took both
Post by: mom2 on November 18, 2009, 08:33:54 PM
sadat46,

In reality, if anyone hurt her mom, she did ..by not telling her she was pregnant. Could it be that she feels guilty now ?  ; seems like you are being blamed for her actions.

The same thing happened to me with the apologizing ( I didn't even know what I was sorry for but I said it anyway ); the next day the letter came telling me that it was not accepted.... I guess she didn't feel I had been punished enough ). The punishment and jail time has now lasted over 10 yrs... I can't even get out on good behavior ( it must have been a life sentence. ). Sadly, I have learned to accept it and not hurt all the time.

Just know that you are not alone and I hope you find some comfort here with other moms.

Title: Re: Son's girlfriend and their new baby - she took both
Post by: sadat46 on November 19, 2009, 07:34:08 AM
Thank you for listening and responding.

This is affecting me so poorly.  I have a lot more going on that I need to concentrate on but I am having a very hard time getting over it.

I have not been a perfect Mom, but I think I have done some really good things for my son and deserve to see my grandchild. 
Title: Re: Son's girlfriend and their new baby - she took both
Post by: 2chickiebaby on November 19, 2009, 07:42:11 AM
Many hugs from me, Sadat.....I can't come up with anything but that I am so sorry. I know the feeling.  We're here for you.

Maybe the others can help in a way that I can't.  I'm too close to the situation.
Title: Re: Son's girlfriend and their new baby - she took both
Post by: sadat46 on November 20, 2009, 08:02:37 AM
Thank you it has been a very hard and long week for me.  I am letting this affect my other relationships because I am on edge. I want an appointment with a counselor so that I can feel better and stop dwelling on it and try to stop analyzing what I did.  I am so bad about that.  The way she described it was I committed the most unforgivable sins. 

I have others I need to redirect my time on, so that is what I will do this weekend.

I need to concentrate on my work and prepare for my Thanksgiving dinner.   
Title: Re: Son's girlfriend and their new baby - she took both
Post by: isitme? on November 20, 2009, 08:48:23 AM
sadat46, I'm really sad to hear your story and it makes me think twice about how I might handle future "grandchildren" situations with my own troublesome FMIL.  It sounds like you are taking a lot of positive steps towards dealing with this and I hope this helps you feel better but it still doesn't allow you to be closer to your grandchildren.  Do you know which "rules" the DIL thinks you broke?  Some parents can be very very picky about how to raise their children - especially in the beginning when they are nervous about how good they will be at it.  If that's the case, can you respect the wishes of your son and DIL?  It sounds like you would... Then again, people can also use petty incidents as an excuse for cutting off contact or behaving badly..  if this is the case then I'm not sure what you can do.  But I hope you feel better.
Title: Re: Son's girlfriend and their new baby - she took both
Post by: Mistie on November 21, 2009, 08:32:51 AM
Sorry you have to go thru this.  I am in the exact same boat.  My DIL is a controlling B...and according to her I wore the wrong dress to her wedding.  My son "thinks" she loves him but she orders him around like a slave.   I tried everything to make amends but she is just not a forgiving person.  I went thru crying myself to sleep every night, anger, resentment, sadness, hurt and so forth....I've forgotten what the baby looks like so I am moving on.
I can't or am not interested in controlling them or dealing with them.  I am so hurt by my son's behavior I almost don't like him either.
He controls by being passive.  They have to deal with their issues...eventually their friends will drift away...some have already said some things to me.   I worry about the baby with a mother like that but there is nothing I can do.  I have moved on and am enjoying my life for me.  I have wonderful friends and am active and busy with classes and so forth.  I send love to the baby everyday and I wish my DIL and son well in thought. 
I hope you are able to resolve things with them but in the mean time....DON'T BE A VICTIM...LET HER WALLOW IN HER BITTERNESS....send good thoughts to the baby and don't contact them for a while...see what happens.
I think these kind of people are extremely angry and frightened.  Immaturity plays a big role too....the baby will show them the errors of their ways...and just hope it isn't too late for them to change....I always wish for that!!
Title: Re: Son's girlfriend and their new baby - she took both
Post by: 2chickiebaby on November 21, 2009, 09:00:18 AM
Dear Mistie,
I was wondering if you have a daughter?  If you do, sometimes it's easier to just say, "enough, I'm through with this behavior" because you don't usually get this treatment from a daughter.

Some of us only have sons and it is extremely hard when they are all you have.

So sad that you were told you "wore the wrong dress" at the wedding.  Of course you know that you didn't.  It seems to me that that would have been your choice to wear what you wanted to it.  I don't understand many DILs so I don't know why some of them heap all the hurt on us.

I know that you're not supposed to wear black or white or RED at a wedding but of course, that's my Grandmother's tapes running through my head.  She was a stickler for total decorum.  I doubt if many of her rules apply today.

Welcome aboard.  We're trying to find our way. :)
Title: Re: Son's girlfriend and their new baby - she took both
Post by: Mistie on November 21, 2009, 09:13:54 AM
No I don't have a daughter, I have only my son and no other children.  I wore a beige "MOTHER OF THE BRIDE" dress that was quite matronly looking.   The dress is not the issue here, it is my DIL.  She does not get along with her own mother and her father is quite interesting...they are divorced.  She has deep seeded anger with her brother who passed away.   She's a mess and instead of looking within and getting herself straightened out, she pushes her issues on others.  She is a major controller and has done quite nicely controlling my son.  I'm  not going to let her control me or am I going to let her USE the baby as a tool to punish others.  I'm not going to do that to him. 
They will learn and unfortunately they will learn the hard way if they so choose.  There are many people out there that play victim but I am not going to be the victim here.
Am I sad that I can't see my grandson?  YES very much so, but I am choosing to turn my sadness into creativity.  I will do other things and I am also going to keep sending him gifts at appropriate times.   I am keeping a journal for him when he gets of age so he will know that I tried to be in his life. 
My son is her husband and as a result of her sick behavior he is angry with me because I have asked many times WHAT'S WRONG HERE?  WHY ARE YOU GUYS SO ANGRY WITH ME?   He can't answer that because he doesn't know either, but to keep peace he CHOOSES to stay quiet.  It makes me angry how passive he is, but it is his life and he is in his 30's as she is so it is up to them.
They both have great jobs and finances are not a question here so they don't need help with that.
Am I angry?  Yeah but I am not going to let them control my behavior, health or life....I pray they don't choose to learn the hard way.
Title: Re: Son's girlfriend and their new baby - she took both
Post by: 2chickiebaby on November 21, 2009, 09:17:38 AM
I envy your strength!!!  Wish I had a dose of it.....good for you! I think you're someone to 'model'.
Title: Re: Son's girlfriend and their new baby - she took both
Post by: Pen on November 21, 2009, 11:32:00 AM
I admire your strength, too, Mistie. And about the MOTG dress, I'm ROTFL. I bought a matronly, ankle-length, grey dress after reading about wedding etiquette online (who knew there were so many rules?) The rules say the MOTG is to "wear beige and shut up." Oh, and pay up. I tried, but I just couldn't wear that monstrosity. Maybe that's when the trouble started; I don't know. The only way we got copies of wedding photos was to hold a classic photo of my dad ransom - DS desperately wanted it, so I made a bargain with him and was allowed a limited amount of time to scan wedding photos from an album.
Title: Re: Son's girlfriend and their new baby - she took both
Post by: 2chickiebaby on November 21, 2009, 12:26:36 PM
That's hilarious, Penstamen, Gray?  Kind of like blending in with the walls? ::) Surely wearing gray was not offensive. 
Title: Re: Son's girlfriend and their new baby - she took both
Post by: 2chickiebaby on November 21, 2009, 12:27:54 PM
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on November 21, 2009, 12:26:36 PM
That's hilarious, Penstamen, Gray?  Kind of like blending in with the walls? ::) Surely wearing gray was not offensive.
And thank you for the link you sent.....It helped me a lot. 
Title: Re: Son's girlfriend and their new baby - she took both
Post by: Pen on November 21, 2009, 01:27:40 PM
You're welcome for the link, Chickie. Regarding the long, gray, MOTG dress, I ended up not wearing it so I don't know if it would have been offensive or not. Darned if ya do, darned if ya don't.
Title: Re: Son's girlfriend and their new baby - she took both
Post by: luise.volta on November 21, 2009, 05:46:44 PM
Thank goodness you left the gray one in the closet. When my "sort of" daughter (who is the daughter I never had) got married, I wore white. Talk about blowing all the etiquette circuits!  ;D

And talking about adult children that are but they aren't; I made a collage of all ten (10) adult children who call me "Mom" and my DH "Dad" to give to each of them for Christmas. Only one is actually related to me, and that's our DW (Dear Webmaster) and none of them are related to DH! We are in it, too, of course. What a great extended family. A full dozen; two in New Mexico, one in Nevada, two in Hawaii and the rest in WA.
Title: Re: Son's girlfriend and their new baby - she took both
Post by: Pen on November 21, 2009, 07:13:26 PM
Luise, what a blessing it is to have so many dear people in your life. Now that you have this site, add all of us to the list!

As for the gray dress, I forgot to tell you all that it had long (sparkly!) sleeves that gave me an allergic reaction. Seriously. For the Simpson's fans among us, I called it the "Itchy and Scratchy" dress. How, in good conscience, can I unload this thing? So in my closet it stays :-\  The FlyLady says 'get rid of everything that doesn't make you smile,' so I know it has to go.
Title: Re: Son's girlfriend and their new baby - she took both
Post by: mom2 on November 21, 2009, 09:21:55 PM
Mistie,
You and I have a story very similar and I too, refuse to be the victim.

In the beginning I did blame the dil ( and I know she did brainwash him ) but my son was very much a part of how she treated me and like you, I love him but don't like him very well.

My dil is a witch that starts with a B so I know how you feel. You do..I did.. go from hurt, to sad to pissed off that they could treat me in such a way. ( my son helped her ) so he is not the innocent here.

Keep your chin up and hopefully you can find comfort here ( this is a great group of ladies ).
Title: Re: Son's girlfriend and their new baby - she took both
Post by: sadat46 on November 23, 2009, 08:09:03 AM
With my situation they are not married so she is really not my DIL but I was willing to call her that.   Someone asked me what rules I broke and I can tell you:

1)  Her mother did not know she was pregnant and did not know about the shower I gave - they told her mother 4 days before the baby was born.  They told me not to say anything about the shower or knowing.  I did not say anything about the shower my 80 year old mother did and I did not have a chance to tell her not to say anything.   I did not tell my DIL's mother about knowing first about the baby.  She looked me right in the eye and asked me when I found out.  I said I was not told anything.  I guessed it.  I was really trying to be very careful.  I did not do anything intentionally to hurt her mother.  I really symphatized for her not knowing all this time.  I really did guess because I knew that my DIL was sick and I knew my son wanted to say something but he just couldn't, so I guessed it.
2)   I changed the baby's diaper the day after they came home.  I knew that wanted to change it at the hospital but I thought that it was okay and was just trying to help.   They said I snapped at them, but I just said I had 2 babies and knew how to change a diaper.  My voice is really low and sometimes when I want to be heard, I sound like I a snapping.  I really did not snap.   I had cooked at home and took them food.  I was nervous and should have just stayed away.

She blames me for hurtiing her Mother's feelings. Of course after that I can't do anything right so she got mad at me for making comments on facebook.  I was trying to be funny and then would go back and read them and delete them.  I also snapped at her best friend when she came to give the baby a bath.  I again was just kidding but after the above it sounded like I was snapping.   I just said I guess she doesn't trust us to give her a bath.  I laughed but it was not taken that way.   

I guess I would have been a lot more careful if I really realized all of the above had pissed them off so bad. 

Her mother says a lot of things but since she is her Mother I guess it is different.

In other words, I am being punished for knowing about the baby when her Mom did not know.  I kept telling them to tell her.

Well my Thanksgiving is going to be different.  I have always had my son at Thanksgiving.

It is sad but I do have a 15 year old daughter and an 18 year old step son.  I can enjoy the rest of my family and try to get through this. 

I have had several prayers to go up about all of this.  I did ask them in writing for full heart felt forgiveness but she said she is not one to forgive easily and she continues to hold grudges.

Not sure what to do at this point.  I was told by some to just keep saying I am sorry but others have told me I have already said that so I have not bothered them in over a week since all this came to my attention. 

I thought I would send them a Thanksgiving card but I really don't know what will happen if she gets it first.  She may just throw it away. 

I have even gotten so mad and thought of a kind of revenge to send my son bill for all the things I have done recently for him to pay me back, but that will just make him madder at me.  I am at least hoping he will realize I am still his mother and I love him unconditionally and that he knows me and I am not one to hurt people intentionally.   

So I am a little Hopeless and it feels like there is a huge knot in my stomach.




Title: Re: Son's girlfriend and their new baby - she took both
Post by: 2chickiebaby on November 23, 2009, 08:24:25 AM
Thank you, Penstamen, thank you. I feel like we are twins.  Sadat, I am praying for you.  Please know that you are not alone.  My distant DILs Mother is totally off the wall crazy. She told me this herself when she "LOVED" us so I know what it feels like to have this happen.

This is the most insane of situations. I wish I could get out of it.  It's too hard.  I keep plodding along but when you have no strength and courage, it's so hard.

I understand each one of you and I'm so sorry! I wish we all had some relief from the hurt. Please let Thanksgiving be over with soon!!  Let her come here and get her money for the kids for Christmas and just leave. 

And on the subject of comprimise, oh my gosh, we've stood on our eyelashes for these 2 girls.  I mean it.  One calls me all the time, which is good but she is just as strange in other ways as the other one.  I don't mind 'strange' but I do mind when close DIL is mean to distant DIL...this hurts me!  My Lord, I'm what is wrong with me?  Why can't I get on one side or the other? 



Title: Re: Son's girlfriend and their new baby - she took both
Post by: 2chickiebaby on November 24, 2009, 03:21:26 PM
They got a hotel but came by here for a little while today. I have decided that they are just so different than I am that that's what throws me off so much.  They were nice but I can't bond with them.  No sense of humor at all.

I should be glad they at least came by....I am.  Son is so different than the person I knew. He looks at her to see if it's okay for him to say something to the kids or not.  Like if he can tell the kids, "don't do that" (whatever it is)  This whole thing is none of my business but it is so irritating that you can't believe it.

She told me that she texted close DIL and asked her what to bring to Thanksgiving and no text back.  That hurts me for her but I am understanding a little better that close DIL just doesn't understand her either and has nothing in common with her.

Close DIL should have texted her back. I think it's horrible that she doesn't at least do that. Other son should take a hand in this too.  He doesn't.  I'm sure he makes his brother, distant DIL's husband, feel bad.

Is that as clear as mud now?   Writing it makes it seem so trivial....duh!  It's complicated.  I have allowed these people to drive me nuts.  :P ??? 8) ;D

Title: Re: Son's girlfriend and their new baby - she took both
Post by: mom2 on November 24, 2009, 08:16:45 PM
Chickie,

I feel so bad for you, and for me, and for the other mils and dils on here..gosh it is just awful !!
I just want to tell you that you are not alone here.. I don't know my son anymore either. I look at him and wonder who he is or better..where he went. My son also has to get dils approval  to say anything to his children or to say anything for that matter.
I am so proud of my son in many ways.. he is a good husband, dad, provider BUT I am not proud that he doesn't even act like a man ; it seems almost evil. Hang in there and be strong and remember that many of us will be trying to get through this right along with you.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone !!
Title: Re: Son's girlfriend and their new baby - she took both
Post by: 2chickiebaby on November 24, 2009, 08:27:04 PM
Mom, I am convinced that we were separated at birth and given to different people to raise.  Our stories are so alike. 

Wishing all could be better after Thanksgiving.  We'll tell our war stories.