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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: cremebrulee on January 11, 2010, 04:25:32 PM

Title: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
Post by: cremebrulee on January 11, 2010, 04:25:32 PM
Did you know that an abuser isolates they're victims from any support from others....

I copied this from another site:

friends become concerned when behavior starts to change. Victims lost interest in the things they once enjoyed.  They became secretive and moody. When friends ask if they are having trouble, victims deny that anything is wrong.


Healthy relationships involve respect, trust, and consideration for the other person. Sadly, lots of relationships don't have these qualities ââ,¬â€

People in abusive relationships sometimes mistake the abuse for intense feelings of caring or concern. It can even seem flattering. Think of a friend whose boyfriend or girlfriend is insanely jealous: Maybe it seems like your friend's partner really cares. But actually, excessive jealousy and controlling behavior are not signs of affection at all. Love involves respect and trust; it doesn't mean constantly worrying about the possible end of the relationship.

What Is Abuse?  Abuse can be physical, emotional, or sexual. Slapping, hitting, and kicking are forms of physical abuse that can occur in both romances and friendships.

Emotional abuse (stuff like teasing, bullying, and humiliating others) can be difficult to recognize because it doesn't leave any visible scars. Threats, intimidation, putdowns, and betrayal are all harmful forms of emotional abuse that can really hurt ââ,¬â€ not just during the time it's happening, but long after.

Signs of Abusive Relationships  Important warning signs that you may be involved in an abusive relationship include when someone:
harms you physically in any way, including slapping, pushing, grabbing, shaking, smacking, kicking, and punchingtries to control different aspects of your life, such as how you dress, who you hang out with, and what you sayfrequently humiliates you or making you feel unworthy (for example, if a partner puts you down but tells you that he or she loves you)coerces or threatens to harm you, or self-harm, if you leave the relationship twists the truth to make you feel you are to blame for your partner's actions demands to know where you are at all times constantly becomes jealous or angry when you want to spend time with your friends

A flag of abuse is when someone says to you, "if you love me you would", that is manipulation on theeir part.

Trust your intuition. If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.

Emotional Abuse:
An abusive partner will railroad discussions, so that you don't have time to think about what's right and what's wrong in their behavior.
Take a moment to consider these questions.  Your partner might have behaved as though these things were okay, even though it's obvious that they aren't okay...:

Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?

Does your partner frequently criticize you, humiliate you, or undermine your self-esteem?

Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?

Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or groups?

Does your partner limit your access to work, money or material resources?

Has your partner ever stolen from you?  Or run up debts for you to handle?

Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?

Have you ever felt obligated to have sex, just to avoid an argument about it?

Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship?

Has your partner ever thrown away your belongings, destroyed objects or threatened pets?

Are you afraid of your partner?

1. The brainwasher keeps the victim unaware of what is going on and what changes are taking place.

Your partner might control your finances, make plans for you, or not tell you what his plans are until the last minute.  He may talk about you to others behind your back, to isolate you from them.

2. The brainwasher controls the victim's time and physical environment, and works to suppress much of the victim's old behavior.  The victim is slowly, or abruptly, isolated from all supportive persons except the brainwasher.

Your partner might have insisted that you stop certain social, hobby, or work activities.  You might have gotten moved to a new location, farther away from your family and friends.  Or you may have been asked (or told) to reduce or stop contact with specific supportive people in your life.

3. The brainwasher creates in the victim a sense of powerlessness, fear, and dependency.

Verbal and emotional abuse creates these emotions, and they become stronger and stronger over time.

4. The brainwasher works to instill new behavior and attitudes in the victim.

Your partner trains to you behave in ways that he wants you to behave.  He gradually makes you feel differently about yourself, and erodes your confidence in yourself.

5. The brainwasher puts forth a closed system of logic, and allows no real input or criticism.

In other words -- What he says, goes.


Title: Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
Post by: Pen on January 11, 2010, 05:53:00 PM
My stepmother is the same way. In dealing with her we've been known to insist that we're all present when discussing matters of importance and all hearing the same information so she can't change history and zing us with it. She's much smarter than I so I have to protect myself since I can't out manipulate her. She totally brainwashed my dad to that point that he handed all financial matters over to her. He now has nothing.
Title: Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
Post by: isitme? on January 11, 2010, 06:54:52 PM
This is a good description.  Unfortunately, I think a lot of us here are going to see things that sound familiar.   :(

Title: Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
Post by: cremebrulee on January 12, 2010, 03:54:05 AM
Quote from: Anna on January 11, 2010, 04:52:04 PM
Dil sounds like a brainwasher.  she isolates, talks to son like he is bug to be squashed,  allows no other input.   Son is afraid to talk to her, son acts so differently now than he ever did before.  Sometimes it's like I see him, I know he's standing there but he is a complete stranger.  It is so weird, the changes I've seen in him.  He says dil never says a bad word about anyone, but I've heard her do it.  Son has friends who don't see him anymore.  what she says absolutely goes.  No one can argue with her, because they will not win that argument.  She will have her own way !!

Exactly, the same with my son Anna...what you have described here word for word....it's when they want, how they want, where they want....I don't think my son has done anything for himself in 13 years...what is it with these wives that can't allow they're husbands to have quality time on they're own....
Unbelievable, how some women think, they're husbands have to live They're Idea of what marriage should be, 24/7?  Unfair, mean, and unthinking, totally selfish and none caring....
Title: Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
Post by: cremebrulee on January 12, 2010, 03:55:38 AM
Quote from: isitme? on January 11, 2010, 06:54:52 PM
This is a good description.  Unfortunately, I think a lot of us here are going to see things that sound familiar.   :(

Indeed!  It's ironic how abusive wives follow the same pattern....it is not normal to estrange a man from his family....it is not....these women are so immature....and it makes me so angry that our son's follow along with this distorted program.
Title: Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
Post by: Invisible on January 13, 2010, 07:37:55 AM
The only abusive relationship I allow myself to tolerate is my relationship with my DIL. She calls me names in letters and to my face. She would love to provoke a verbal altercation. I allow her to say whatever comes into her mind. I will not respond. I will not allow myself to engage in a confrontation. My goal is to pick up my GD.  My comments to her are extremely superficial. "How do you like this cold weather?".....keep her preoccupied talking about the weather. Better for me. (I could careless what she thinks of the weather.) Even the administrator at my GD's school told me they thought my DIL was a bully..... She has screamed vulgar words in the office at the staff.
Title: Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
Post by: isitme? on January 13, 2010, 07:44:43 AM
Invisible, that's terrible.  I'm so sorry your DIL is like this. 

I think it helps to get outside confirmation on these kinds of things.  It might be upsetting to hear the administrator say something negative because you are thinking of how if affects your son/grandchildren - but then you don't feel crazy thinking you are the only one noticing these behaviors.

I agree with Creme, it is just not right at all for a DIL to estrange her husband from his family.  It's not okay for ANYONE to do this - and just a sign that someone is either really immature or really unhealthy.  Or both. 

In the case of someone wanting to distance themselves from their OWN family however... well that has to be their call - in cases of abuse, unhealthiness etc.   But often, a spouse will get the blame for that no matter what since they are seen as the outside influence.  I'm doing my best not to be that person though.  I'm sad that many of your DILs don't seem to care though..
Title: Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 13, 2010, 07:55:46 AM
Invisible...I hope no one takes this literally, OKAY DO. ;D

Whatever happened to vigilante justice?  You know, like Gary Cooper in High Noon where he was married to Grace Kelly and was the sheriff?  You know how he took on the bad guys in town? 

Some people do not deserve to breath our air.  I think your DIL is one of them.  How does she get to live and the rest of us just have to eat the dust her of her shoes when she leaves?

I'm sick of this.  I really am sick of all the mistreatment of others.  Where is Gary and why isn't he protecting the town?  Oh drats!! He's dead!!  All the good ones are dead.  :(

Title: Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
Post by: Invisible on January 13, 2010, 08:08:03 AM
isitme,
My DIL is so insecure she wants to push everyone out of "her family's" life. She wants and expect their world to revolve around her. For example; she is bad mouthing my son to her daughter. It is as if she resents her daughter loving anyone else. Even though he is dead.

I am not allowed to participate in holidays. I am pushed out of family events. I am not considered to be a grandmother just the MIL. I am just considered to be the free baby sitter. I had to explain to my GD several times how and why I am part of her family. I am afraid I will eventually be push away permanently. Especially, after my DIL remarries. I my goal is to establish a relationship with my GD before that happens. If everything falls apart in her world my GD will know she has a safe place to go.

Quote from: isitme? on January 13, 2010, 07:44:43 AM
Invisible, that's terrible.  I'm so sorry your DIL is like this. 

I think it helps to get outside confirmation on these kinds of things.  It might be upsetting to hear the administrator say something negative because you are thinking of how if affects your son/grandchildren - but then you don't feel crazy thinking you are the only one noticing these behaviors.

I agree with Creme, it is just not right at all for a DIL to estrange her husband from his family.  It's not okay for ANYONE to do this - and just a sign that someone is either really immature or really unhealthy.  Or both. 

In the case of someone wanting to distance themselves from their OWN family however... well that has to be their call - in cases of abuse, unhealthiness etc.   But often, a spouse will get the blame for that no matter what since they are seen as the outside influence.  I'm doing my best not to be that person though.  I'm sad that many of your DILs don't seem to care though..
Title: Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
Post by: Invisible on January 13, 2010, 08:10:37 AM
Quote from: isitme? on January 13, 2010, 07:44:43 AM
Invisible, that's terrible.  I'm so sorry your DIL is like this. 

I think it helps to get outside confirmation on these kinds of things.  It might be upsetting to hear the administrator say something negative because you are thinking of how if affects your son/grandchildren - but then you don't feel crazy thinking you are the only one noticing these behaviors.

I agree with Creme, it is just not right at all for a DIL to estrange her husband from his family.  It's not okay for ANYONE to do this - and just a sign that someone is either really immature or really unhealthy.  Or both. 

In the case of someone wanting to distance themselves from their OWN family however... well that has to be their call - in cases of abuse, unhealthiness etc.   But often, a spouse will get the blame for that no matter what since they are seen as the outside influence.  I'm doing my best not to be that person though.  I'm sad that many of your DILs don't seem to care though..
Title: Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 13, 2010, 08:20:46 AM
Invisible, this cruel, contemptuous woman does not deserve this child!  I just can't stand her! 
Title: Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
Post by: isitme? on January 13, 2010, 08:51:59 AM
Invisible,
Your granddaughter is lucky to have you.  She is fortunate that you can look beyond her mother's terrible behavior and express your love for her.  Hopefully as she grows up, she will be able to recognize that more and more.  Your DILs behavior is just terrible.   :(
Title: Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
Post by: cremebrulee on January 13, 2010, 09:30:51 AM
Quote from: isitme? on January 13, 2010, 08:51:59 AM
Invisible,
Your granddaughter is lucky to have you.  She is fortunate that you can look beyond her mother's terrible behavior and express your love for her.  Hopefully as she grows up, she will be able to recognize that more and more.  Your DILs behavior is just terrible.   :(


DITTO!!!!!

huggin you
Title: Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 13, 2010, 09:34:28 AM
Isn't it amazing, Creme..that Invisible is there, even in her grief to be all there is for her Granddaughter!  How wonderful that she is.  Maybe we could look at it like that....a blessing that she is there!  Nothing can take the place of such grief but Invisible is there.
Title: Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
Post by: cremebrulee on January 13, 2010, 10:26:12 AM
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on January 13, 2010, 09:34:28 AM
Isn't it amazing, Creme..that Invisible is there, even in her grief to be all there is for her Granddaughter!  How wonderful that she is.  Maybe we could look at it like that....a blessing that she is there!  Nothing can take the place of such grief but Invisible is there.

God knew that that little girl would need protection, and he picked Invisable...and she will be steadfast by that little girls side whenever she can...and do whatever she can, and this entire situation, may all end up so good for Invisable and the child...but in God's time...not ours....

I'm so thankful for angels like Invisable...

Title: Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
Post by: Pen on January 13, 2010, 10:31:27 AM
I think of you everyday, Invisible. Your granddaughter will grow up to understand how important you are to her. In my experience, behavior like your DIL's usually backfires - the "shunned" party becomes all that more attractive to the child. Keep being your loving, strong self.
Title: Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
Post by: Sassy on January 13, 2010, 06:58:21 PM
Creme I found the info you posted about Abusive Relationships very helpful, and very accurate.

Something else about abusive relationships I have read about is the long-term, even expotential, effects they have.  Its been observed that they tend to replicate themselves in other relationships.  From what I've read, unless there's an interruption in the abusive pattern of some type (therapy, self-examination, confrontation, something?) happens, it's not uncommon for abuse to be repeated in further partner relationships, or even passed down generations.

It seems to be true that people who stay involved in abusive romantic relationships, almost always had a childhood trauma of some kind.   We don't know why.   One theory often bandied about is by seeking out an abusive partner, it's a way victims to try to heal themselves.  Almost as if by thinking "I will relive this, but this time I'm going to win."

Sometimes the effects of abuse are passed in ways other that typical TV-movie style of  "child who was hit, now beats their own child", where the victim becomes the abuser. Sometimes, instead, the child may instead grow up to identify with the victim role.     

So if a child has a loving mother, who does not abuse them in any way, though it would seem they have a shot to grow up to be attracted to healthy relationships, that's not always the case. 

Proabably because there's more than a mother in the family system, and far more going on than one parent alone can possibly regulate.  If the child's mother had a very abusive mother, herself.  (Her mother likely being a victim of abuse up the line).  If the child's father is abusive to the child's mother.  If the child's step-parent was abusive to the child.  The child may identify with the victim, or the victim role, and so recognizes the abusive dynamic as "love" or as "normal".  Excusing the abuser's behavior can becomes a powerful habit that, unless addressed, is hard to break.  And if the "this time I'll win" theory has any validity, then perhaps they're thinking "this time I'll win."

I think what you have shared here is valuable, and worth being aware of.   I add what I've learned to as part of the open discussion.   It breaks my heart to think of anyone's sons and daughters in abusive relationships.  Even saying that word "abuse" out loud hurts, like a physical strike.

Unfortunately, from experiences not related to the nature of this particular forum,  I know more about abusive relationships (and ACOA, and co-dependancy) than I, or any soul, should have to know.  It stinks!

And in the event this post is taken by anyone in a way I certainly do not intend it, I do not think and am not implying there is one single MIL on these boards who abused their sons, no way, no how.
Title: Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 13, 2010, 07:41:18 PM
Sassy, I'm trying hard to understand....if a child is with an alcoholic parent, for example, does that make the child more dominating or does it make them a victim? Or, can it be both??  Sorry, I'm not up on this to be able to understand.

I can see that you do know and I would love to learn. I know I have problems myself so knowing anything that I can see that would help I'd so appreciate your knowledge on the subject.  :)  HELP!
Title: Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
Post by: Invisible on January 13, 2010, 07:57:11 PM
2 chickiebaby,
I am not special....I am doing what each and every mother on this site would do. I raised this wonder person. He was/is the light of my life. Only his daughter is his living legacy. My GD is all I have left of my son. He would want and expect for me to protect her from harm.

Quote from: 2chickiebaby on January 13, 2010, 09:34:28 AM
Isn't it amazing, Creme..that Invisible is there, even in her grief to be all there is for her Granddaughter!  How wonderful that she is.  Maybe we could look at it like that....a blessing that she is there!  Nothing can take the place of such grief but Invisible is there.
Title: Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 13, 2010, 07:58:37 PM
Well, I think you're very special...and I think the world of you
Title: Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
Post by: cremebrulee on January 14, 2010, 03:38:21 AM
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on January 13, 2010, 07:58:37 PM
Well, I think you're very special...and I think the world of you

I think she's pretty special to...I've been thru this and have personally known women who have also been thru this, and it takes an awful lot of stamina to get thru it...patience, fear, a lot of fear, and stress....it's more then upsetting, it's devestating....believe me....I know....and she is a very special lady to endure such pain....so lets give her all the prayers we can. 

Love you Invisible....
Title: Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
Post by: Invisible on January 14, 2010, 07:24:29 PM
cremebrulee,

Thank you for your kind words...sounds like you understand what I am going through. Perhaps my GD and I need a few prayers.  But I want you to know your understanding and kind words give me strength.

Quote from: cremebrulee on January 14, 2010, 03:38:21 AM
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on January 13, 2010, 07:58:37 PM
Well, I think you're very special...and I think the world of you

I think she's pretty special to...I've been thru this and have personally known women who have also been thru this, and it takes an awful lot of stamina to get thru it...patience, fear, a lot of fear, and stress....it's more then upsetting, it's devastating....believe me....I know....and she is a very special lady to endure such pain....so lets give her all the prayers we can. 

Love you Invisible....
Title: Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
Post by: cremebrulee on January 15, 2010, 05:20:50 AM
Quote from: Invisible on January 14, 2010, 07:24:29 PM
cremebrulee,

Thank you for your kind words...sounds like you understand what I am going through. Perhaps my GD and I need a few prayers.  But I want you to know your understanding and kind words give me strength.

Quote from: cremebrulee on January 14, 2010, 03:38:21 AM
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on January 13, 2010, 07:58:37 PM
Well, I think you're very special...and I think the world of you

I think she's pretty special to...I've been thru this and have personally known women who have also been thru this, and it takes an awful lot of stamina to get thru it...patience, fear, a lot of fear, and stress....it's more then upsetting, it's devastating....believe me....I know....and she is a very special lady to endure such pain....so lets give her all the prayers we can. 

Love you Invisible....

Hey Invisable, we're all in this together, if you hurt, we hurt...
Title: Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
Post by: peggyrice@triad.rr.com on January 25, 2010, 04:31:04 PM
My son and I were really close until I became the MIL.  This past Christmas she seemed to "take over" and has made the situation really uncomfortable for I and my son.  He emails and says he loves I and his stepfather very much and hopes we can work this out.  It is just so crazy for a DIL to try to ruin  the husband's relationships - if you really love a person, you do not want to hurt them this way.  She first distroyed the relationship my son had with his only brother and now me.  It has just broken my heart so deeply that I can hardly bear it.  We have worked through many situations over time and this is the first my son has "shut down" this way.  The more silent time that passes, the more it hurts.   
Title: Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 25, 2010, 04:35:06 PM
We understand, Peggy, we do.  I know you will find help here.  Welcome.
Title: Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 26, 2010, 05:00:58 AM
Dear Peggy,
I'm so sorry you're going through this.  I want you to know that this is one of the things the DILs do.  It's a stand-off....it is unbearable to be in it. 

She is likely "cutting him from the herd", as Luise says.  He is trying to deal with that right now and it is, I'm sure, very difficult on him as well as you.  I don't know why the DILs do this but they do.

We've all been there and it is the most hurtful thing that can be done to a Mother.  She will demand more and more of his distancing and either he does it or she gets meaner.  It's just the facts.  He has to live with 'it'.  This type of woman doesn't qualify for human hood. It's an 'it'. 

Please know that we are here for you.....stay tuned.... :)
Title: Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
Post by: cremebrulee on January 26, 2010, 05:31:45 AM
Quote from: Sassy on January 13, 2010, 06:58:21 PM
Creme I found the info you posted about Abusive Relationships very helpful, and very accurate.

Something else about abusive relationships I have read about is the long-term, even expotential, effects they have.  Its been observed that they tend to replicate themselves in other relationships.  From what I've read, unless there's an interruption in the abusive pattern of some type (therapy, self-examination, confrontation, something?) happens, it's not uncommon for abuse to be repeated in further partner relationships, or even passed down generations.

It seems to be true that people who stay involved in abusive romantic relationships, almost always had a childhood trauma of some kind.   We don't know why.   One theory often bandied about is by seeking out an abusive partner, it's a way victims to try to heal themselves.  Almost as if by thinking "I will relive this, but this time I'm going to win."

Sometimes the effects of abuse are passed in ways other that typical TV-movie style of  "child who was hit, now beats their own child", where the victim becomes the abuser. Sometimes, instead, the child may instead grow up to identify with the victim role.     

So if a child has a loving mother, who does not abuse them in any way, though it would seem they have a shot to grow up to be attracted to healthy relationships, that's not always the case. 

Proabably because there's more than a mother in the family system, and far more going on than one parent alone can possibly regulate.  If the child's mother had a very abusive mother, herself.  (Her mother likely being a victim of abuse up the line).  If the child's father is abusive to the child's mother.  If the child's step-parent was abusive to the child.  The child may identify with the victim, or the victim role, and so recognizes the abusive dynamic as "love" or as "normal".  Excusing the abuser's behavior can becomes a powerful habit that, unless addressed, is hard to break.  And if the "this time I'll win" theory has any validity, then perhaps they're thinking "this time I'll win."

I think what you have shared here is valuable, and worth being aware of.   I add what I've learned to as part of the open discussion.   It breaks my heart to think of anyone's sons and daughters in abusive relationships.  Even saying that word "abuse" out loud hurts, like a physical strike.

Unfortunately, from experiences not related to the nature of this particular forum,  I know more about abusive relationships (and ACOA, and co-dependancy) than I, or any soul, should have to know.  It stinks!

And in the event this post is taken by anyone in a way I certainly do not intend it, I do not think and am not implying there is one single MIL on these boards who abused their sons, no way, no how.

Sassy, Hi, I very much enjoyed reading this...thank you for taking the time.....

and, your right on...my son's step mother is brutally abusive, more so, verbal, but brutal....she needs to have center stage at all times, she also can be hugely evil, in order to get her way....she hasn't changed, but she's probably surpressed it, and I do know that her mother was dysfunctional....

so allowing my son to live with his father and his step father, at the time, I thought there was no chance of any more physical abuse, being my son was way taller and stronger then her....and I was willing to trust his intuition, but never, at that time, realized the damage that could be done, by him sitting back and watching his father take all of this...and to this day, if I should bring anything, anything up about his stepmother, he defends her to the hilt....so, yes, he saw this behavior and interripted as love....

I also believe my son is co-dependent on my DIL...you see, she is so good at manipulation....she knows exactly how to get to his heart, and he loves her, therefore, she gets whatever she wants, in return, she gives him a huge amount of attention, and pretends to be so needy of him...she's not and never was....she got along fine before she met him...but I believe, the lack of a mother's love, in his most formative years...made him co-dependent...I don't know...at the time, I felt he was older and needed his father's influence...and I SO wanted to do what was best for him....but fear, I did him more harm....then afterwards, he joined the Air Force, then put himself through school, we were apart a good many years...while he did still come to our home every other weekend, it wasn't the same as his step mother and father's behavior influencing him more....

I mentioned to him once, that he and his wife were co-dependent on each other, which isn't healthy...and dooms one to fail....and he argued that co-dependency was good in a marriage relationship...I replied, "No, interdependency is good, but co-dependency is not healthy."

And We mother's can also become co-dependent on our children for happiness...b/c for so many years, our children were our purpose, we gave to them, before ourselves....and to many of us, when they get married, we're shell shocked at the huge change...but life is constantly changing, just to prove to us, we must change with it, or be lost....and when our children marry, we must find other things to do with our lives....invest in our future mentally...we have to, b/c we cannot depend on others for our own happienss....we must create our happiness ourselves...if we hold others responsible, or accountable, then we set them up to fail, along with ourselves.

Just stuff I'm learning along the way.... ;D
Title: Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
Post by: cremebrulee on January 26, 2010, 05:37:23 AM
Quote from: peggyrice@triad.rr.com on January 25, 2010, 04:31:04 PM
My son and I were really close until I became the MIL.  This past Christmas she seemed to "take over" and has made the situation really uncomfortable for I and my son.  He emails and says he loves I and his stepfather very much and hopes we can work this out.  It is just so crazy for a DIL to try to ruin  the husband's relationships - if you really love a person, you do not want to hurt them this way.  She first distroyed the relationship my son had with his only brother and now me.  It has just broken my heart so deeply that I can hardly bear it.  We have worked through many situations over time and this is the first my son has "shut down" this way.  The more silent time that passes, the more it hurts.

yes, peggy, it is heartbreaking...painful, despairing, b/c we as mothers only want the best for our children...never in a million years, did I ever see my son, choosing to be married to someone so controlling and manipulative...and it shocks me sometimes that he doesn't see how fake her actions and acts are????  But, love is blind...

I'm so so sorry for your family, and that they are experiencing this...but, always remember, this is your son's choice, and as long as he allows her to treat you all like this, she will....and she will change him...b/c he would sell his soul for her love....love at all costs, is not love, and peace at all costs is not peace...but, to compromise your identity, who you are, for the love of someone else, is failure to see, that, that is not love at all....he should understand, that if she loves him, really loves him, she would not be asking him to turn against his family....so sad...so very sad, the webs we humans weave.

Hugs
Creme
Title: Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
Post by: peggyrice@triad.rr.com on January 27, 2010, 05:44:19 AM
Normally we could shelter ourselves from the abusive party by simply removing ourselves from the relationship.  When DILs become intrusive and wreck standing relationships it shatters the family.  Families are rooted by the bonds in our hearts.  When one hurts, the pain is felt by all involved.  This morning, I wrote a heartfelt letter to my son and can only hope that he receives it.  I pray with all my heart that it will not make the situation worst.   Other than work, he is isolated now to his wife and child only.  She has removed any communication between he and all the people (father, brother,stepmother, stepfather,past friends) that have supported him in the past 30 years.  I fear for him and have begged him not to let himself be isolated and let his extended family be cut from his life.  He did several tours overseas with the Army and I can not help but wonder if that has left some mark on him.  Those tours brought the entire family closer in support of him and now he is cutting us out since his marriage last year.  I keep searching for reason where none exists and keep praying that things will work out.  He is so intelligent.  I think he is just trying to be a good husband and somehow does not realize that being a good husband does not mean giving up your life!  She is so insecure and selfish.  I can not believe that she loves him.  If she did truly love him, she would not distry the life he had before he married her.
Title: Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 27, 2010, 06:26:10 AM
Dear Peggy,
First of all, I am so sorry...we all are sorry when someone else goes through this.  It is heartbreaking and you always wonder what you've done.  I know you go over and over it trying to find an answer and there is none.

It could be some slight she thinks she has been given from you or your family.  If not that, it's "cutting him from the herd" (Luise says that is often the case)

If she is cutting him from the herd, like I suspect, there is nothing you can do but stand by and watch it.  Talking to them both might make it worse for you.  I've heard the way the DILs talk (some of them) and they say "I have set our boundaries, DH agrees (uh huh) and she is breaking the rules!!"

So the letter probably is good but if she sees it, be ready in case she feels that you have broken her boundaries.  They might lose their souls but those boundaries are going too, you know. 

Here for you, Peggy
Title: Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
Post by: cocobars on January 27, 2010, 06:41:59 AM
Hi Peggy, and welcome!

It seems our sons have alot in common.  My son finally gave up and moved back in with me after a few years of the same thing.  He had no contact with anyone, except her and her family.  Her family started treating him awfully and said some bad things about him once we were out of the way.  My DIL had an affair, and he finally left.  Now I think they are getting back together.  At least that's how it seems.  Whenever he sees her he comes back mad at everyone in my home.  It's heartbreaking, to say the least.  We just love them anyway don't we?  All that hurt is erased in a second because we love them so much.

Keep us close and post often here.  You'll get some good advice and warm support.  That's what we all need! I know it's why I'm here.  What a great place we found!
Title: Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
Post by: peggyrice@triad.rr.com on January 27, 2010, 07:04:10 AM
Yes, we just keep loving our mixed up sons with all our hearts while they let their wives tear up our and the rest of the families hearts!  Makes me wonder what is wrong with me!  If he was not my son, I would say "so long' good riddance" so quick it would make their heads spin!
Title: Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
Post by: cremebrulee on January 27, 2010, 07:17:22 AM
Quote from: peggyrice@triad.rr.com on January 27, 2010, 07:04:10 AM
Yes, we just keep loving our mixed up sons with all our hearts while they let their wives tear up our and the rest of the families hearts!  Makes me wonder what is wrong with me!  If he was not my son, I would say "so long' good riddance" so quick it would make their heads spin!

In the beginning when this all happened, my son made my DIL go to counseling...I believe she got scared, and for years pretended to tollerate me....they didn't go to counseling long, and by the way, the counselor said, I did some things wrong....I wasn't there to tell my story...and while I agree, I probably did, I would have loved to be there...so, there for awhile, my DIL walked a straight line....but everytime we were alone, she'd always let me know I was not welcome, except for one time...the last time I was visiting....we were alone for the day, and she was fine....????  Hard to talk to, but fine....all the rest of the times, she was always doing something when my son wasn't in ear shot, to let me know she hated me....and I wasn't welcome there in her home....

once she even yelled at me, that time I tried to talk to her...."WE WENT TO COUNSELING BECAUSE OF YOU"!  Wrong, she went to counseling b/c of her...my son, even told me, she was so bad in the very beginning, he almost left...and she knew that, that is why she toned it down and pretends....but she is always telling him, I hate her?  Sheeesh, yeah, I hate her alright, my son knows me, and knows, if I hated her how I'd be....he knows I'd give her a what for with words...and never look back....and, to tell you the truth, sometimes, I'm at that point now...where I just don't care anymore...not one bit...not about her or what she says about me...it is what it is...and she will someday, be in a very bad way b/c of all this....she will reap what she's sewn....or is it the other way around? And yanno what, I'm so glad, so thankful, I didn't loose my temper, and give her a verbal what for....I'm so proud of me for controlling that....that is one thing, I've accomplished from this, plus patience, plus understanding that my son, needs to live and do, as he so chooses.

Title: Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 27, 2010, 07:24:25 AM
Carolina Gal?  Have we welcomed you?  I hope so but didn't remember it.

Welcome. :)
Title: Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
Post by: cocobars on January 27, 2010, 07:33:15 AM
Carolina, welcome!

So true.  Our family can hurt us in ways nobody else can get away with.  LOL!
Title: Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
Post by: peggyrice@triad.rr.com on January 27, 2010, 03:31:51 PM
Thank you ladies!  I need an avenue to express-at least until I get a handle on this situation.  It still feels like such a shock.
Title: Re: Abusive Relationships - Open Discussion
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 27, 2010, 03:41:31 PM
I'm glad you're here, Carolina....it's hard enough to deal with on your own.  At least we have each other.