My problems are minuscule compared to most posters here, so it's embarrassing to write this.
How do I get over feeling envious of DIL's parents? I'm OK w/o seeing DS week after week until I hear that he & DIL are visiting her FOO yet again. They all work together, call/text each other many times a day, and see DIL's FOO every weekend, all holidays, yadda yadda.
The minute I hear "we're on our way to DIL's parents" I suddenly have a physical and emotional reaction (not visibly, thank goodness!) I am able, thanks to this site and everyone's support, to go on with my day and not obsess...but it bothers me that it still bothers me.
DH & I gave DS & DIL tickets to an event held today that we couldn't attend. DS called afterwards to thank us and tell us all about it. I was glad they had a good time. We had a pleasant conversation, I felt great - until their plans for the afternoon were mentioned. Of course I didn't let on, told them to have fun and to say "hi" to the ILs for us ...but inside I felt like molten lava was creeping throughout the inside of my body from head to toe.
My goal is to overcome this on the inside as well as the outside! Not doing too well, apparently :(
Pen, I'm interested in answers to this, too. My situation is that DIL and DS moved 1000 miles away so she could be with her half - sister (my age) and her family to share her pregnancy and birth. She just got to know them as an adult a few years ago. I'm glad that DS has the big extended family he always seemed to want but I hate it, too. Her family has no interest in us and DIL ordered us not to talk to them about her so there is no big happy family here.
I don't have a solution, I just admit it - I'm jealous.
Well Pen , you know.my story .My DS was spending every weekend with my DIL foo until I could stand no more . I saw my GD for 2 hours in 4 months when they lived 20 miles away . Fate turned things around , and when they needed family the most , her foo refused them a home ! My only concern is now they are moving 10 minutes away from her foo , the family that refused her ! I feel that once again I will be the forgotten gp ! If that happens I will not sit quietly in a corner and behave , I will shout my injustice from the rooftops ! I dont want to think about Christmas as I know where they will be .......unfair I'll say . I'll be more angry than jealous . So yes I know how you feel , answer ? I've no idea ! We cant make them visit . Join me on the rooftops , we could make banners..... lol
Pen,
This has always been my biggest complaint since DS met DIL. I have to say that I really commend you for not saying anything to DS, but like LL, I couldn't keep my mouth shut and one thing led to another and here we are. They blame me for the way things are now but I believe things would have been the same no matter what (as in your case) and so I chose to tell them how I felt. I don't think we can win no matter how we choose to handle the situation, it's up to our DS's to want to spend more time with us. DIL FOO's life hasn't changed much, but our lives have changed forever. I'm sorry to say that things probably won't improve much after the GC are born. To me the solution is to learn to live without them, concentrate on other aspects of you life. "Simple but not easy".
Oh, dear Pen, that stings, I know it does. I've thought about your question a little while here, and first of all I still think that the honesty is cathartic and it is the first essential step to ridding ourselves of any flaw, and Lord knows I've got enough of them for the whole site here. I often refer back to my own mother when I'm looking for clarity as she has lived such a simple life seemingly free from most of these devils I've wrestled with. I can't imagine anything like your question being a part of her experience. There were five of us, and married all over the place. My mother was never consistently the center of anything, but she never expected it to be so. She doesn't think of herself at all, but she is very happy in her life. She was always just happy for us to be happy. Maybe as mothers, Pen, we think we've turned loose, but we really haven't. I don't know, but it still seems to me when I read our posts, that our a/c are still our little ones and we expect and long to be an integral part of their lives, and most of us seem to have an undisclosed but concrete bar that we must meet in relationship with them for us to be content and well balanced. Look at how euphoric all of us become when we get even a crumb from an errant a/c! We are still too tied to our adult children. The only clue I know is that it seems in any dynamic of relationship, the least needy gets the most. A more complete life apart from parenting. Your DDD is a beautiful pool for your labor. If you were to grow more in love with this part of your life, ds may fade more in the background and dil may in time regroup. This has the possibility to become a sort of 'mission' for your life, that could expand in many directions. I don't think your pain is any less important than the rest of ours, precious Pen, pain is pain and it shouldn't be judged. with love to you.
My situation is so nearly the same as yours. We haven't had a Christmas or Thanksgiving visit from DS and DIL in 3 yrs - or is it 4? Although it was supposed to alternate, every year a different excuse. This year they will spend 4 days at Thanksgiving at her FOO, then fly off to another continent for Christmas. The Christmas that is supposed to be ours. We will get 1 day - the sunday before thanksgiving. Phone calls? Only when DS is at an airport on business, DIL not around. Or when she is out of town.
I used to be so jealous of her FOO also. They got all the usual holidays plus all the vacation weeks, etc. But as I poke myself in different places right now, I find that there is not a lot of tenderness, not a lot of jealousy left. Where did it go? Is it going away because I have stopped caring so much? Is it going away because whenever I compare myself with DIL's FOO, I come out ahead? Is my new blasé attitude the result of moving to a new community? I can't say. It just feels different. I seem to have changed.
Dear Pen, six months ago I too would have said, "My goal is to overcome this on the inside as well as the outside!" Hang in there Pen. It will happen.
Thank you all for your comments and advice. Lots to think about here.
Quote from: amflautist on October 08, 2011, 09:49:28 PM
...But as I poke myself in different places right now, I find that there is not a lot of tenderness, not a lot of jealousy left. Where did it go? Is it going away because I have stopped caring so much? Is it going away because whenever I compare myself with DIL's FOO, I come out ahead?
Maybe that's it, AM. I don't feel as if I come out ahead in a comparison with DIL's FOO. I know DS loves us and wants to maintain our relationship, but DIL's FOO comes first now. I guess I'm not yet OK with that.
It would be so much easier if DS & DIL were forging a life together away from either FOO. I'd still miss DS but I wouldn't feel envy or indignation. Missing DS in that circumstance would be normal, but missing DS due to DIL's FOO's enmeshment and overbearing involvement is bizarre.
Dear Pen
As Ruth said...pain is pain ...so your pain is not less important than any other pain. I have many times felt envious of dil's family. We have a good relationship with dil but still sometimes I hear about my gc school event where my dil's mother attended, and I wasnt invited. I feel a hole in my stomach. I am included now almost all the time but once in a while I am not and it hurts me. I feel ridiculous and ashame of myself but can't help it. It is part of our human nature...feeling left out is hurtful.
Dear Pen..really it hurts me that you feel hurt.... or bothered.....we cannot change what they do which is not fair.... but have to keep trying to find our peace and balance and let life take care of the rest.
Hold on girl... Dil's FOO is not better than you.... Never think that.
I'm so so sorry for your pain, Pen. You are doing such a marvellous job here on this site and I feel honoured that you shared your pain with us. I think I can understand how you feel because I'm in a similar situation. The little things are the ones that hurst most. For example MIL ordered two copies of the end of year kindergarden photograph of my eldest GK - and even though I lived near at the time, they didn't think of ordering one for us. I did ask DS for a copy but that didn't happen either. One evening when my YDS, DH and I had babysat for the children all day, my DIL's sister was called to put the elder boy to bed .... the list goes on - and it does hurt. When I lived close to them I was always made to feel that we did not enough and FOO did everything. They do help a lot to a point that the whole thing would have collapsed if they had not been there. They are always at their daughter's beck and call. They buy a lot for the GK, take them out to do fun things etc. For DH and me it's a no-win situation.
I don't feel jealous though, don't know why. I do have a good relationship with DIL's mother, we did a few grandmother things together which worked well. I'm just really sad but have come to terms with the fact that DH and I will always be GP number 2 because what we have to give is not appreciated. At least not for the moment. I'm not sure whether this resignation is a good thing but it feels better than the hurt I experienced before. The whole situation has made me appreciate other things in life a lot more - my focus has changed.
I will visit the family in six weeks' time and I'm full of apprehension as to how I will be received this time. I'm a stranger but I still feel that I have to maintain a certain presence and not cut myself off completely.
I do hope that your strong feelings will subside soon and turn into something more bearable, Pen. As Ruth said, we are just too close to our children and being with them and around them is the best thing that happens to us - we need to ask ourselves whether it cannot be replaced positively by something else.
I am happy for my DS that he has found a replacement family. He gets on really well with MIL's FOO and I say to myself that I have to be generous enough to celebrate this fact. IT'S HARD - AND LOOKS BETTER ON PAPER THAN IT FEELS IN THE HEART!
Quote from: Pen on October 08, 2011, 11:08:02 PM
Maybe that's it, AM. I don't feel as if I come out ahead in a comparison with DIL's FOO.
Now how is that possible Pen? You are one of the precious WW who hold this site together. What would we all do without you? Surely you are not bedazzled by all that money that is being thrown around by DIL's FOO? I'm not. I'm not impressed by the huge number of houses and cottages owned by DIL's FOO. I'm not impressed that they pay for DS and DIL to go on expensive vacations with them all over the world. I'm not impressed that DS and DIL bought too expensive a house on the strength of a down-payment loan from her FOO.
I'm happy with myself because I am keeping my small business running. I'm proud that I have finally taken charge of losing weight. I'm satisfied that I can make small contributions to WWU. And wow oh wow can I cook! Oh ho, that dinner party was sump'in!
Let's hear it Pen. Let's hear you sing your own praises and accomplishments!!!
Ruth is right, pain is pain.
Pen, I know it has to be hard to see it right now, but I have no doubt that you're coming out ahead. You're one classy lady, I admire how much strength you've shown in this situation. No doubt others have noticed as well.
Thank you all, I cannot tell you how much your support strengthens me. Your stories and kind words bring tears to my eyes; may we all find strength, peace and joy in our lives. As I've said before, I'd have blown it a million times over without the wisdom of all of you WW. When I get close to saying something better left unsaid, I think of you and what you'd be advising: WWWWUD?
I can see my path more clearly now. Resenting/being envious of DIL's FOO is like trying to bushwhack through a brambly, boulder-strewn trail rather than taking the well-groomed path in front of me. Instead of getting scratched and shredded, why not cruise along in a slightly different direction? The paths may connect ahead or not... who knows? Perhaps there will be a bench with a great view where we can sit for a spell before heading off on our chosen paths once again. How precious those times will be!
My path leads to laughter, good books, art, music, travel, peaceful vistas, health, great food & drink, and the loving arms of one amazing DH. So why would I beat myself up over the brambly route? D-uh!
If only I can remember this analogy when the green-eyed monster makes another appearance...
I think I just said this not long ago, jealousy is normal. I am too. I just don't let it consume me, rule me or decide how I am going to live.
acceptance....aahh
Hi Pen: I so much relate to your post. I think it's important that you are "naming it and claiming it." Jealousy is such a real emotion. You are a strong and wonderful role model and that will live on no matter what else.
The one thing that I see as a general complaint is that our DS just fade away once they get involved with a GF or wife. I think that is probably pretty natural that the woman controls the social interactions and the guy goes along with it.
This problem presented itself to me many years ago. My DS and DIL lived 6 hours away and DIL parents lived 20 miles from me--right on DS and DIL way to visit the IL. Imagine how hurt I was the first time I knew they visited her parents and never even gave me a call!! Not even to see the GC. Or when she stayed with her parents for a full week or two and I never even got a call. I still feel a dull stab when I take myself back to those days. I realized early on that no matter what I did things were not going to change so I better let go of my resentment. VERY difficult to do when you suspect or know that GC are 20 miles away spending a holiday.
So my son has been a wimp. If anyone is to blame it's him, but hey! as I have said before he will preserve the peace in his family (wife and children) no matter what. And over the years, as I have watched him struggle to keep things together with his wife (she has several medical issues) and be the rock for her and for her mother as DIL's father is in prison again for felony DUI.
One thing you said, Pen, is that you don't feel as if you come out ahead with DIL FOO. Well, there are so many things we don't know....I would have never suspected that my DIL family is so completely bonkers...on the outside everything is perfect...candles, fine china, beautiful gourmet food, blah blah. Then I slowly got the real picture (drunk husband; abused and passive wife, lost everything, etc.) And that brought up a whole other set of resentments.....how in the world am I not a better role model, etc. etc.??
BUT, like Luise always is saying...(where is Luise??? I haven't had a chance to be on here lately)...things are as they are. And I rarely think about all this angst anymore. Like a wound trying to heal, I have stopped picking at it. And that has allowed some (hmmm, a lot, really) of the resentment and anger to dissipate. This might be just a little dip in the road and tomorrow or the next day you'll find the path again and be even stronger. Bravo for telling it like it is. This IS a rocky road...look how far you are on the journey.
Begonia, I don't know how I missed this wonderful post of yours! Thanks, with all my heart :)
Quote from: Pen on October 09, 2011, 10:03:20 AM
Thank you all, I cannot tell you how much your support strengthens me. Your stories and kind words bring tears to my eyes; may we all find strength, peace and joy in our lives. As I've said before, I'd have blown it a million times over without the wisdom of all of you WW. When I get close to saying something better left unsaid, I think of you and what you'd be advising: WWWWUD?
I can see my path more clearly now. Resenting/being envious of DIL's FOO is like trying to bushwhack through a brambly, boulder-strewn trail rather than taking the well-groomed path in front of me. Instead of getting scratched and shredded, why not cruise along in a slightly different direction? The paths may connect ahead or not... who knows? Perhaps there will be a bench with a great view where we can sit for a spell before heading off on our chosen paths once again. How precious those times will be!
My path leads to laughter, good books, art, music, travel, peaceful vistas, health, great food & drink, and the loving arms of one amazing DH. So why would I beat myself up over the brambly route? D-uh!
If only I can remember this analogy when the green-eyed monster makes another appearance...
Thank you for your words, Pen. The green-eyed monster just raised its ugly head again last night. I feel comforted by your post and I'm giving myself a pep talk as I'm writing this. I do have a great DH and will not at this moment disolve into a tearful heap and share my woes with him to make the rest of the day miserable. Instead I am taking a deep breath, keeping my head high and getting on with it. WWU helps so much. Thanks so much.
Thank you Pen :)
Just for the record: yesterday's pep talk to overcome green-eyed monster worked fine! Had a lovely day yesterday, seeing friends with small children (no pain) and unashamedly enjoying life! Wow! There is definitely life after all the strife.
Way to go chelms! Isn't is wonderful when we realize that WE control ourselves! Woot Woot!
Hi All, I have not been here fo awhile, busy looking for a job. But when I found out yesterday that my son is spending Thanksgiving with my x-in laws I came here to feel better and suprisingly found this thread that is so on point. I am so jealous. My DS and DIL divide most of their time between my x and his family, and my DIL's family. My DD the same. They all have large families and big gatherings but I do not have any family any more so I guess I am boring. I really can't stand this pain and wish it would go away. At this moment I wonder if I should have had children. Ever since my divorce my children barely acknowledge me. My question is about my boyfriends family now. He wants me to go there for Thanksgiving, but I don't want to because his mother and brothers and sisters are all huggy and kissy with each other and it makes me hurt worse when I see that knowing I don't have that with my children, does that make sense? I really don't want to go and feel that pain but he says I am being a "brat". Am I?
So the choice is:
be alone and feel bad about the loss of your children
or
be with people who potentially care about you and want to welcome you to their brood and feel bad about the loss of your children
It depends on which way you want to take your life. Do you want to build relationships with your BFs family? Here's your opportunity. If you don't care about them, then don't bother. That's probably how I would decide.
Thanks Doe, I guess those are my choices. It is a bit weird because his family does not really accept others. That is , the other inlaws do not come with the siblings because they are very critical of others. So actually I think I would rather be home alone.
I just see from all the posts here that jealousy is also a problem I have that to get over too. It feels strange not having your own family around during the holidays, but I am glad my children will have a good time, I really am, that is what I always wanted for them- to be happy and enjoying life. So I will try and focus on the fact that I must have done something right because they are living the life that I had hoped for them.
Kate, what about a trip somewhere? I'm not sure what part of the country you're in but cruise rates are awesome right now and if you don't have to fly, it's even better.
Or heck, even a fancy resort with a spa.
I totally understand what you mean about your bf's family. My husbands FOO is like that, they demand all family members and spouses are just tolerated b/c they know not inviting them is a no go. Either way, it's still not very pleasant even though we got the golden invite LOL whoopee
Kate123, I'm a bit worried about your BF calling you a 'brat', maybe I'm oversensitive in this respect but to me it doesn't sound nice. From my own experience I have sometimes not wanted to go to 'dos' with IL but when I did go I actually managed to have a good time, there was always someone I could connect with. If I stayed away I would never have met some really nice people. Trust your charm and charisma and surprise yourself, something good may happen. Believe. Best wishes across many miles. :)
Has anyone here ever gone on an extended meditation retreat? I have only done a two-day one, and thinking of doing a 10-ay one around the holidays
I would love to be able to go away but I am out of work right now and afraid to spend money. However it occurs to me that I should spend what I have rather then worrying about leaving it to my children, which is what I always worry about. They are already much better off then me, but it just seems that you should leave them something so that can be better off. Maybe I will go on a trip, it does sound like a really good idea. I think the WW should get a cruise together one year, how about that!!
As for being called a brat, it has been my experience that men do allot of namecalling when they are mad. I don't like it and I don't do it back but don't really know how to stop it. I think when you don't have family around to stand up for you, you get treated differently and will put up with allot so as not to be alone. Than is another reason it is important for your kids to be in your life when you get older.
And for the in-laws, they criticize everyone; it is just their way of bonding or something. It gets old after awhile for me, and also I don't know what to believe sometimes since their views on everyone seem a little hard.
People seem to be strange everywhere lately, whether it's my kids, or people I don't really know. Maybe it is the hard times everyone is facing, making us all a little crazy. Like poor Nan here not getting invited to her daughter's wedding- really sorry for you Nan, that is just cruel.
You stop the namecalling Kate by not allowing it. By telling him you will not tolerate being called names, and if he wants to have an adult conversation then you are willing, but you are not willing to be namecalled. And you walk off and refuse to engage until he does. I know you don't want to be alone, but you are worth more than that.
stick with us Kate , we will make you grow a foot taller overnight ! not literally of course , but have more self respect
and know you are worth more than being called a brat , which in my opinion is for naughty children , absolutely no way ,
do not put up with that for a second !
Go on a singles holiday , you might meet someone who respects you more .... :)
Quote from: Kate123 on October 31, 2011, 06:09:02 AMI think when you don't have family around to stand up for you, you get treated differently and will put up with allot so as not to be alone. Than is another reason it is important for your kids to be in your life when you get older.
Um, no, Kate - it's another reason why it's important to learn to stand up for yourself. It's not your kids' job to do that for you. It's your marriage, you're the one who has to learn how to get what you need. And that can be really uncomfortable and scary, but it's still not anyone else's responsibility but your own. Putting up with a lot to not be alone is a choice you're making, but it's something you can work on and choose differently about at some point if you decide you want to. It's hard to get the courage to do that, but it's really, really important. It took me a really long time to learn that being alone really was pretty awesome in comparison to being treated like less than human by someone who was supposed to love me and be safe. I also was really uncomfortable with conflict, and if I though someone might be mad at me. But, I learned how to be different - it's possible.
Thank you all- Sometimes you can get stuck in your own ways and need to hear some good advice. I am not going to accept the namecalling from now on- I will walk away, just as I would do if it were anyone else. About family standing up for you, I should have put it a little differently. Some people behave better in a group is what I meant. But after thinking about that I realize that it is about me standing up for myself- shouldn't need a group to get someone to behave as they should.
Kate, you are entirely sufficient - you can do this.
SesameJane, no I haven't been on an extended meditation retreat, but good idea for you over the holidays! It might be an amazing experience, just what you need as you explore the exciting new options for your life.
On being alone, I do wonder about being old and alone in a nursing home somewhere w/o any visible family around...I think those who have regular visitors or relatives who check in often get treated better. Not that the staff purposely ignores those who don't have anyone, but if you know someone might be dropping in you're more likely to make sure everything is taken care of correctly & on schedule.
Quote from: Pen on October 08, 2011, 11:08:02 PM
Maybe that's it, AM. I don't feel as if I come out ahead in a comparison with DIL's FOO. I know DS loves us and wants to maintain our relationship, but DIL's FOO comes first now. I guess I'm not yet OK with that.
Pen - this is a late response -but you have to know that you are being too hard on yourself if you think you don't come out ahead in comparison with DILs FOO. YOU know that you have the solid values - and that his in-laws are rather shallow. He may not know it yet - he has some maturing to do - and your DIL may never come around - but your DS knows, and YOU know. I think eventually you will be appreciated. It may take years - but it will happen.
Haven't been to visit you wonderful WW for awhile, but today I needed some stability and the jealousy thread just pulled me in. Kate123 I really can relate to so much of what you have written---stay strong and don't ever let anyone put you down...most of us have been there, done that, and now are trying to recover from discounting ourselves. Being alone is quite comfortable--there is no more chaos in my life, no more roller coaster, no more handing out money. But, I am still jealous of my DS inlaws and the time he spends with his MIL (poor, pityful, helpless thing....ACK!!).
Speaking of the green eyed monster, it is rearing its head in my life. I have been having some up and down times with thinking of the holidays, etc. My DS and DD are being nice and are being cordial, but as I have written I drew a boundary last summer and I have been strong about keeping it (no groveling, no poor me, no begging to see GC) and alas, my DS and DD have been reaching out. So that is where I leave it, even though I would love to invite myself like I used to do. I stop myself and get busy. Have just gotten back from one trip and have signed up for another. YES, Kate, spend the money!!!
Yesterday I got an email from DS saying he is coming through a town 20 miles from here because he is hauling stuff for his MIL and we could meet. I am working and so I was not going to drive 20 miles...can't he do that much? So I said he could meet me here after I get off work and I suggested a place at the edge of my town and he can easily connect through that road on his way home. I have driven all over H and gone for him over the years, now DS and DD can put in the effort. Am I being nasty? Frankly, this is where the jealousy comes in---he can drive umpteen miles (600 RT) for the MIL but can't drive the 20 miles for me? Baloney on that is what I felt.
So I am ok if he says no. Another time he was cleaning out MIL cabin and he suggested the same thing and I wasn't working so I met him in that town 20 miles away. I feel stubborn now and afraid that if I agree to this, like I used to agree to everything and then numerous times he would call at the last minute to say he wouldn't be there. No more of that. I feel in a bit of a snit and thought I had this pretty much under control, but I don't like the MIL, she is completely manipulative. Yet I do feel sorry for her because her husband (DS FIL) is in prison again for DUI..he pulled a gun on the sheriff when they came to pick him up. It makes my stomach sick to think of how my son has to caretake his DW and his MIL besides being a rock and a wonderful dad for their two children. Still, what am I? Chopped liver? ;D ???
Hmmmm, WW, I guess there is some resentment here for me to work on....Sigh. Lifetime work. Suggestions are appreciated, or a good talking to....lol. Bless you all and my admiration to all of you for how you walk the path and how brave all of you are. Love all around....
Oh, I've been on the other end of this where I've driven 1000 miles and a relative wouldn't drive a few miles to see me. I would be tickled pink if my son asked me to meet him 20 miles away.
Doe: I agree with you. I am delighted that my son wants to see me and by typing my post I realize that the issue is more complicated than just that. I need to get rid of my resentment about the whole deal and that my DS spends more time with his MIL than he does with me. But perhaps he is reporting in to his DW and since she is not very warm toward me this is the only way he can see me and keep peace with her. I am going to try to be more open about it.
I hear ya. For a while after DIL dumped me, my son made a point of staying in touch with me and those were treasured moments!
If DS were driving hundreds of miles on business, or for a wedding or whatever and asked me to drive 20 miles to meet up, I'd be thrilled. If his ILs were the reason he was driving umpteen miles in the first place, I'd be less than thrilled. They drive many miles a week to see DIL's FOO. He can put out a little effort to see me.
Pen: That's IT!! You got it! As far as I know, DS's IL have not ever done one thing for him except cause distress and chaos. And as his mother, I know what kind of excuses, lies and other bad behavior have put up with from him over the years. So I guess I am not willing to always go 3/4 or 9/10 or 150% anymore. Thanks for being such a wise woman and dispelling my guilt over these stupid 20 miles. (I will run to you wherever you are darling, over rocks and fire and dog doo doo...NO, no longer.) My gut feeling was that he can drive here to see me and after giving it some thought, I am going to maintain that stance. It might send a message, contrary to other messages I have sent over the years, that YES, I am important too. If not for me struggling in that labor room he would not be hauling anybody's "Stuff." I will not "labor" over him any more. Done, enough. I am woman, I am strong. Thank you, Pen...love to you.
Begonia, when I get that weird feeling in the pit of my stomach that I'm being used I need to heed it. What cured DH & me was the last time we helped DS & DIL move. Never again!
Begonia, it must be something in the air. I too have decided I am not going anywhere (for visits). It seems that I am expected to do all the running and the visits are not reciprecated (sp?). My DS also offered to meet me at a mall where they were planning to do the day. He and DIL spend weekends (every weekend) going to visit this one and that one, but for me they will meet me at the mall, I don't think so. I would like to have visitors to and have a regular day a Grandmas now and then but I am not asking anymore.
I think you are also right about the holidays, each day that approaches and gets closer I feel more sad. I am going to go online tomorrow and look at trips over the holidays. I will have to go alone and I have never done anything like that before so it is a bit scary, but if i don't do something I think I will loose my mind.
Yea Kate!! I always travel alone and you meet the most exceptionally wonderful and interesting people who are just doing their thing too. I often wonder why there aren't more places for singles over the holidays. Anyway, I know what you mean about the sadness. Instead of fighting it I just let it roll over me, cry a bit if I feel like it and it passes. I am headed on a trip right after New Years and that keeps my mind busy right now. I am going to start a thread with suggestions of places to go and things to do so this thread isn't railroaded....
Begonia:
I am sure your decision not to travel 20 miles to see your DS is dignant. He has to know somehow that you deserve more than that. You need to raise your self-esteem, and running to meet him will not help you at all. You are First Class Mom.... if he wants to see you, have him come to you.
I cannot understand how your dil doesnt act differently with you, since your son is such a good son in law to her parents...ughs... it makes me mad.
You will feel better when you say "no" believe me. Is it possible to let him know how you feel?
Wishing you good luck!
Love
Thank you Nan....your post brought tears to my eyes for how caring it was. And I agree. It's time he acknowledged that his own mom is important too. Unless I stamp my foot and say so, he will continue to treat me like I am at the end of the line. Love back atcha'.
My DS doesn't take to my reminding him that we are here too...it makes him feel guilty, or torn, or something. One time he lamely said, "But you guys live so far away" as if that was a good excuse. Um, we stayed put...he and everyone else in DH's and my families moved away!
One of my biggest jealousy triggers is FB. DIL posts hundreds of pics of her friends and their outings together (no problem there except no time for us) and worse, many pics of her FOO w the gc while the FOO are at their house and vice versa. Every member of the family and their spouses are shown holding the gc.....
We hold the gc whenever we visit, change diapers, play w them as well as doing chores the dil's FOO doesn't do for her (cleaning, cooking, laundry; and we are glad to do it; she does appreciate it and so does ds); but there are never pics of us on FB.....
DH says he doesn't want his pic on FB and finds pics of the kids to be rather dangerous if the security settings aren't set just right; some weirdo can find easily where the children live..... esp. when the young ladies tell their schedules, mention when they'll be gone, where they go, etc.....
FB can be hacked into! Zuckerman's acc't. was hacked recently and pics of him posted! i used FB very rarely partly bc of security issues, partly bc it's used a lot for ego satisfaction (see how often I get my gc (dil's dm), etc.........
(No offense to those who like FB! Just be sure of your security settings and don't reveal much about your location, esp. when posting about the gc.) I use the pm feature if I have no email address for a friend of mine and I don't post on dil's site bc I'm sure she'd find it invasive.
Anyway, back to the main subject.......... I find that I have to limit myself to how often I look at FB (I just look at my email to see if someone has contacted me ) otherwise I find myself jealous that dil/ds are living it up w her FOO, seeing gc when dh and I are alone on holidays.....
I have to remember if something is triggering, don't go there! (I try not to ask too many questions of dil about her FOO and their visits bc the green monster rears its ugly head!) Ignorance is bliss!
At one time I was extremely hurt and jealous of my DS's dad & step mom going on their honeymoon with them, me not getting invited to the rehearsal dinner, and it always seemed like they were going over to watch games, etc. The DIL's DM lived down the block from them and I felt very neglected and left out, which was understandable because I was. I could go on, but you get the picture.
I do not have a jealous nature, but this was difficult to deal with. Whenever I have these feelings, I pray about it.
Since my son and I are getting closer, I discovered that he is not close to his dad because he betrayed a confidence and he doesn't trust him anymore. I learned that DS's MIL who is single has been dating a married man openly for over 15 years. DS did not like going to all the family gatherings on her side. It was not at all what I thought.
My point is that there are sometimes family dynamics that are not visible to others. My perspective was the above, but maybe their perspective of me was just as idealistic - that I am an independent woman, do not need a man to survive, can take care of myself, I have enough self respect to not stay in an abusive relationship. This is all true, but no one sees the difficulties I have faced, financial, loneliness, health, spiritual, job related problems, etc. Earlier this year I was homeless for 3 weeks and had to move in with my brother. I'm just sayin' sometimes my life has really sucked.
I learned that there was a reason for the DIL's attitude towards me and my family and it was more about what was going on in her family than me. I feel very sorry for my soon to be ex DIL.
For 11 years I sucked it up for my DGS. I never complained once until just a few months ago when I told DS I wasn't happy with our relationship. Sometimes an issue needs to be brought to the light before it gets resolved, but the timing needs to be right.
Quote from: SusieQ123 on December 19, 2011, 07:53:32 AM
I do not have a jealous nature, but this was difficult to deal with. Whenever I have these feelings, I pray about it.
I never complained once until just a few months ago when I told DS I wasn't happy with our relationship. Sometimes an issue needs to be brought to the light before it gets resolved, but the timing needs to be right.
SusieQ, it does help to pray; when I get so upset, I pray that God take away my anger.
We are told sometimes never to complain bc it will sometimes result in a cut-off; but I finally said something to ds and we now have more visits; I made it short and sweet but he is smart and sensitive; I know he talked with his dw who didn't want to acknowledge we were being neglected; ds didn't even know bc we never complained (referring to your comment about mentioning a problem.....) DSs need to know sometimes!
DS has gradually realized that his father and I are better w the gc and in generally running our lives more smoothly, in not spoiling the gc so much as his ILs (which makes it harder on the parents!) DS actually is being more strict w the older gc bc of a comment I made and said he had watched me interact w gc and liked it! (So he does get it! Said he was so glad we were there bc we are such good help.... wow!)
Yes, I'm jealous that we get no holiday on the Days and never will; but we do get some time, and now I'm exhausted; maybe it's good to get so tired you just don't care anymore!
One thing, though.... someone said that the less needy get more time. Not in the IL's family, though; they dictate when and where and generally rule it all (tradition.) We just say, do what is best for your family; that we care about your exhaustion.....I think they are appreciating our lack of insistence.....
Ds is so uncritical and dil loves her FOO so much, but still...... we hear snippets of the exhaustion of staying at dil's FOO so much; the lack of quiet, the difficulty of keeping the gcs' naptimes, the constant activity that is wearing when there are so many people around.....
Pen, I'm getting less jealous bc when we find out that it's not so perfect at the ILs, the lack of consideration, I'm glad dh and I are who we are! DS and dil are actually beginning to appreciate us; and although the time spent w us is much, much less, I am caring less; we are happier being ourselves and don't want to be the ILs!
Be glad you are who you are; ds may come to appreciate this himself; and if not, it's good to be yourself!
Good post, JAOG.
SusieQ, it's not all perfection @ DS's IL's either, as I've recently found out. My jealousy grows when I don't hear from DS for weeks. The other day DS was free to talk (DIL was out of town) and we had a long conversation. Voila! Jealousy gone!
Quote from: Pen on December 20, 2011, 03:41:13 PM
SusieQ, it's not all perfection @ DS's IL's either, as I've recently found out. My jealousy grows when I don't hear from DS for weeks. The other day DS was free to talk (DIL was out of town) and we had a long conversation. Voila! Jealousy gone!
Pen, great that you got to talk w ds freely! I feel that we parents of dsons get a lot fewer phone calls, letters, texts, FB, you name it, bc in this case dil is a sahm (which is a hard job!) but she has more free time than many sahms bc of the help of ds who spends weekends and nights w chores and the children.
At least in my situation..... we get a lot less contact bc ds is not a phone talker, texter, etc. I am fortunate that dil will answer my infrequent emails when I need to ask about something..... once in a while ds will call when dil is out and we get to talk to gc; makes our day!
DS is beginning to see that they spend so much more time at dil's FOO; although he isn't rebelling, it's just good to know he's seeing it a bit and knows we miss them. He's seeing the discrepancy ...... and I do think he mentions it to dil bc although she isn't about to not be at her foo's for all holidays and bdays, she does say they will try to get to both houses the same day; we tell her no, it's too much for the gc and for them and her family would be unhappy to let them leave; so in not insisting on something exhausting for them, we are the good guys; and we don't want an exhausted family!
I know it's fun city at dil's foo with so many people and children and ds does love activity and company and our family is very small; so I envision big parties and constant fun while ds and I sit at home or go to the movies or maybe next year plan a get-away; right now we are exhausted from the early Christmas! But actually the big get-togethers aren't nearly as peaceful and perfect as I had envisioned; with that many people there has to be some conflicts; when they visit us we are on our best behavior.
So... guess the old saying, "Nothing is as good or bad as we envision" is true!
I think a little jealousy is normal reaction, as you would want to have attention by yourself. Just don't overdo it so as to impair your relationships
What amazes me about this whole situation with the FOO families is this.
If my son and D.I.L were spending more time with us than the other parents I would encourage them to visit the other family more often
People are so self centered it boggles my mind.
I found myself being very jealous over Thanksgiving and not having the Day. But my DS/DIL and GC came last weekend and we had a little christmas. It was really nice and I was happy that they came and felt like that was enough for me. I am not allowing myself to get worked up anymore, it was taking too much out of me to get upset and depressed. DS/DIL will be spending Christmas/New years week with DILs family at a resort, and yes I cringe with a little jealousy that I can't do that for them and have a full week of family togetherness, but I am more OK with it now then I was. Life is so much more peaceful if you don't think about things too much. DS and DD have me in a place that maybe I would not choose, but have to accept. So I bought myself some watercolors and will spend the holidays trying to do some paintings, a hobby that I let go when I had children. I am also planning to get together with people I have not seen - for an afternoon lunch. Life goes on- have to make the best of it.
You go Kate!
Quote from: catchingup on December 21, 2011, 10:56:35 AM
What amazes me about this whole situation with the FOO families is this.
If my son and D.I.L were spending more time with us than the other parents I would encourage them to visit the other family more often
People are so self centered it boggles my mind.
When a friend asked why our family doesn't come for holidays, they are amazed how many years have passed since they were here (always at dil's foo.) Never any alternating.
The friend said how selfish of the other FOO to assume only they are important and that my dil is uncaring that we are alone at holidays. DS has been told this is the way it will be always, back when he fell for her. I think he finally is catching on; we get more visits but I never want a contest of "we win" which we wouldn't anyway.
It is amazing that some families think their long-standing traditions override anyone else's feelings........it's rather a clique! I never neglected my ILs like this and neither did my parents....... strange how gparents even at an advanced age and their AC and all never think about the "outsiders."
A friend of mine "adopted" a family that has no functional family; they receive the visits and dinners and love that her AS now is jealous of their relationship bc he has followed the orders of his dw; he finally has increased his visits.....
When we move on, we are happier and the AC sometimes come around. But for now I have my dh and I am so fortunate to have him!
I know what you mean, jaog! This is how my in laws are, they feel their 40 year traditions trumps anyone else taking turns. The mind boggles. As parents I would think they would know how my parents feel.....or how they felt themselves having Xmas morning with their nuclear family.
But, that's on them. Just b/c they expect it doesn't mean anyone has to comply.
Before my daughter and I were estranged, she and her husband did the same thing. I never got jealous because my daughter explained that they were just kissing up to the other side of family because they wanted to eventually get their money. It is sad to think about too because family is the most important thing in the world and a person's mother or grandmother can never be replaced.
Hopefully our children will learn this lesson before we're all gone!
Quote from: newhera on December 21, 2011, 06:35:58 AM
I think a little jealousy is normal reaction, as you would want to have attention by yourself. Just don't overdo it so as to impair your relationships
I agree! Jealousy is a valid emotion and a warning that something is not right in a relationship. It's a normal reaction to many situations, whether a husband who flirts with other women, or an AC who overdoes it with the IL.
DS is going through a divorce and the straw that broke the camel's back was a trip with her family to NYC over Thanksgiving. They got into a big disagreement over it and he moved out that weekend. Of course there was much more than that going on but he was very weary of everything being about her family.
Susie,
You are so right. When something is going wrong, there's a problem somewhere and usually it's hidden. Once we figure out what the problem is and accept it, we can start healing.
Apparently DS's MIL is miserable. I guess having all the attention, money, cars, jewelry, big house, luxury vacations, etc etc aren't enough. Was I bad to suggest to DS that she volunteer somewhere to get some perspective? Do you suppose I'll hear from DIL about my lack of compassion?
I'm a big believer in Karma and all the money in the world can't make you happy.
I wouldn't worry about it Pen. If DIL does, and probably will from her history, just smile and ask her if she would like a cup of tea! ;D
Lol :)
Quote from: Pen on January 16, 2012, 08:25:33 PM
Apparently DS's MIL is miserable. I guess having all the attention, money, cars, jewelry, big house, luxury vacations, etc etc aren't enough. Was I bad to suggest to DS that she volunteer somewhere to get some perspective? Do you suppose I'll hear from DIL about my lack of compassion?
Nope. I've done the same thing with my MIL. Your sons MIL and mine sound so eerily similar sometimes. With all that she has materially it doesn't make a dent in her personal happiness factor. Yet, material goods are valued so highly in that family regardless of the fact it doesn't make them feel any better.
If anything, I think it only makes her feel less happy and content. I notice she buys a lot of things to get attention in one way or another. Can't just get a normal sized hot tub that she and FIL can enjoy. No, they buy a 20 person sized hot tub and want hot tub parties and can't or won't understand when people don't feel like a hot tub party. So then she's upset b/c people aren't getting into the hot tub with her but FIL is right there....
Oh Pam, that's hilarious in a sad sort of way. And kind of "ew."
DS's MIL just got back from a luxury vacation and whined that she was bored. FIL & FOO immediately took her on a luxury weekend away. I think I've been doing it all wrong; no luxury vacations coming my way, maybe I should rethink this.
Nuh huh! You start whining and we will edit you! ;D