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Problem Solving => Grandchildren => Topic started by: Invisible on January 31, 2010, 08:05:14 AM

Title: Feeling Frustrated
Post by: Invisible on January 31, 2010, 08:05:14 AM
I want my GD to remember her father and my DIL wants her daughter to forget him. Their marriage was over long before he died. Now any physical problem my GD has IE. rash, my DIL tells her thats because of your father. My DIL did not grieve his loss one second. My DIL says bad things about my her father and me in front of my GD. My GD says these things to my face and I feel as if  my relationship with my GD is deteriorating.

Yesterday, I took my GD skating and to a puppet show. My GD told me her mom said I didn't even know my son. My GD treats me cold and cruel. My son and I were a "hugger." My GD will hardly allow me to hug her. She does not allow me to hold her hand to cross the street. Eveything I say to her is an argument. I am feeling very frustrated.

It was if a was nothing more than the baby sitter. I know my DIL hates me and my GD will mirror all those feeling her mother shares for me. But it hurts. In the event of death or divorce it is not uncommon for the son's mother and/or father to be pushed out of the relationship. When my mother and father were divorced I never saw my father or his mother again.

I am beginning to realize trying to keep a bond with my GD is a losing battle. If the mother hates me there is no way her daughter is going to like me against the wishes of her mother. My DIL has all the power and sh is using her daughter to hurt me. I just don't think I can take anymore .....hurt.

Maybe the best thing I can do for self preservation is to walk away.
Title: Re: Feeling Frustrated
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 31, 2010, 08:07:04 AM
how old is your GD, Invisible? 
Title: Re: Feeling Frustrated
Post by: cocobars on January 31, 2010, 08:17:08 AM
Invisible, I feel so bad for you and I know that hurts you so much!  She is a little piece of your son, he left behind and you can't help but love her with all that's in you.  I have no idea what to tell you.  I hope Luise has some suggestions.

The only thing I can think, is to just take a break so that you can catch your breath and collect your thoughts and feelings.  That's what I would do.  And each time she says something mean to you, follow the conversation with positive things.  Like, "even if your mother thinks I didn't know your father, I loved him because he was my "son-shine," just like you are that for me now.  I will always love you, even if you get angry with me."  That's just me though.  It's what I would do.  I believe you are in the midst of a battle and yes, she will probably take on her mother's traits and repeat things her mother has "drilled" into her little mind.  It's up to you how you fight back.  You may have to take occasional breaks so that you can "take care of you." 

You are in my thoughts and prayers, invisible.  Just know that you have friends here that will lift you up and love you back!  We all know you are doing so much and the road you are traveling on is so tough!  You will need all the support and love you can get also, because you are living through abuse right now...

I see your determination and I believe you will survive it, even if it takes "little breaks for you" in the process.

Take care!
Title: Re: Feeling Frustrated
Post by: Invisible on January 31, 2010, 08:20:27 AM
My son died 28 months ago. His daughter was 5. She is now 7 years old.

Yesterday I asked her what she missed most about her dad ...just to see what she would say. She just looked at me and said nothing. When my GD was 2-4 she looked like her dad. Now she looks and acts very much like her mom. My GD suffers from ADHD and her mother has her on medication. My GD has a very short memory. I do not know if it is related to the medication or the ADHD. Yes, my son had ADHD. Back in the day....we did not medicate children for hyper active disorders. We took them to the playground to run the energy off.


Quote from: 2chickiebaby on January 31, 2010, 08:07:04 AM
how old is your GD, Invisible?
Title: Re: Feeling Frustrated
Post by: Invisible on January 31, 2010, 08:27:57 AM
Thank you SO much for your much needed support. Yes, I think you are quite right. I need to step away from the problem and lick my wounds.

Yesterday my GD could not tell me what she missed about her father. I told her you may not remember him...but never forget how much he loves you.

This is a very bad situation. I need to step back. Maybe in a month or two my GD will appreciate our little times together. I don't know.

Quote from: cocobars on January 31, 2010, 08:17:08 AM
Invisible, I feel so bad for you and I know that hurts you so much!  She is a little piece of your son, he left behind and you can't help but love her with all that's in you.  I have no idea what to tell you.  I hope Luise has some suggestions.

The only thing I can think, is to just take a break so that you can catch your breath and collect your thoughts and feelings.  That's what I would do.  And each time she says something mean to you, follow the conversation with positive things.  Like, "even if your mother thinks I didn't know your father, I loved him because he was my "son-shine," just like you are that for me now.  I will always love you, even if you get angry with me."  That's just me though.  It's what I would do.  I believe you are in the midst of a battle and yes, she will probably take on her mother's traits and repeat things her mother has "drilled" into her little mind.  It's up to you how you fight back.  You may have to take occasional breaks so that you can "take care of you." 

You are in my thoughts and prayers, invisible.  Just know that you have friends here that will lift you up and love you back!  We all know you are doing so much and the road you are traveling on is so tough!  You will need all the support and love you can get also, because you are living through abuse right now...

I see your determination and I believe you will survive it, even if it takes "little breaks for you" in the process.

Take care!
Title: Re: Feeling Frustrated
Post by: cocobars on January 31, 2010, 08:47:35 AM
Quote from: Invisible on January 31, 2010, 08:20:27 AM
My son died 28 months ago. His daughter was 5. She is now 7 years old.

Yesterday I asked her what she missed most about her dad ...just to see what she would say. She just looked at me and said nothing. When my GD was 2-4 she looked like her dad. Now she looks and acts very much like her mom. My GD suffers from ADHD and her mother has her on medication. My GD has a very short memory. I do not know if it is related to the medication or the ADHD. Yes, my son had ADHD. Back in the day....we did not medicate children for hyper active disorders. We took them to the playground to run the energy off.

Invisible, one of my youngest daughter's has ADHD.  She was put into a special program at school where the kids get "one-on-one" attention (smaller classrooms but still public school).  The kids that have that DO have really short attention spans (and memory).  The teachers in those classrooms would go around and remind the kids to stay on task.  Your GD may not remember much about her Dad.  She is listening to her mother (probably tell her that her Dad didn't love her).  It's up to you to tell her how much you KNOW he did and still does where he is, and that he's looking down on her and sending her love through you sometimes.  I truly believe that.  You wouldn't be lying to her. It's up to you to let her know she was loved and still is.  She may not know that considering her mother's influence on her...
Title: Re: Feeling Frustrated
Post by: Pen on January 31, 2010, 11:03:51 AM
What a difficult, heartbreaking situation. I'm not at all an advice-giver, since Lord knows my lilfe isn't as together as it could be. But part of me wants to say "GO! Protect yourself!" The other part says "This dear child needs to know that no matter what you're there for her. No matter what cr*p is dished out, you're still there." I don't know...my heart breaks for you, and for her too.

The analogy of the oxygen mask in the airplane fits here maybe? When the flight attendant says "Adults put on their masks first and then put the mask on their child" so the adults will be able to better help the kids? You have to keep yourself healthy and strong for her, and if doing so means taking a break, that's what you need to do.
Title: Re: Feeling Frustrated
Post by: RedRose on January 31, 2010, 01:17:47 PM
Invisible,

The next time your GC is over show her a picture of your son. Tell her the story behind the picture. Take her outside to visit your garden!
Maybe make this a tradition every time she comes to your house.

Just a suggestion...
Title: Re: Feeling Frustrated
Post by: Invisible on January 31, 2010, 03:47:50 PM
Oh ...I show her photos quite a lot. My GD goes into the back yard almost everytime she is here. Thank for your suggestions.


Quote from: RedRose on January 31, 2010, 01:17:47 PM
Invisible,

The next time your GC is over show her a picture of your son. Tell her the story behind the picture. Take her outside to visit your garden!
Maybe make this a tradition every time she comes to your house.

Just a suggestion...
Title: Re: Feeling Frustrated
Post by: Invisible on January 31, 2010, 03:52:39 PM
Frustrating isn't it?

Yes, my GD needs me but I am walking wounded. Maybe after a  few months off her mother would appreciate me just a little.

Perhaps my GD would appreciate her time with me.


Quote from: penstamen on January 31, 2010, 11:03:51 AM
What a difficult, heartbreaking situation. I'm not at all an advice-giver, since Lord knows my lilfe isn't as together as it could be. But part of me wants to say "GO! Protect yourself!" The other part says "This dear child needs to know that no matter what you're there for her. No matter what cr*p is dished out, you're still there." I don't know...my heart breaks for you, and for her too.

The analogy of the oxygen mask in the airplane fits here maybe? When the flight attendant says "Adults put on their masks first and then put the mask on their child" so the adults will be able to better help the kids? You have to keep yourself healthy and strong for her, and if doing so means taking a break, that's what you need to do.
Title: Re: Feeling Frustrated
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 31, 2010, 04:25:11 PM
Dear Invisible,
I wish I could get hold of your DIL.  I can't seem to get mad except on PAPER but I do think I'd wring her neck.

These people have no hearts, no souls, no humanity.  Talking to her own daughter about you and turning her against probably the only person on earth except the DIL who loves her, is beneath contempt.  I don't think the DIL loves her daughter so that leaves you to love her.

I don't understand how she can live on our earth.  Why do these people get to live here?  Someday your Granddaughter will understand what is going on.  It will be a long time and during this time she likely will have huge obstacles to hurdle. 

She will look back on you as her only safe place.  She likely loves her mother and probably wants her love but someday it will dawn on her where love really is. 

I'm so sorry, Invisible.  I wish we could take the hurt from you. 
Title: Re: Feeling Frustrated
Post by: Scoop on January 31, 2010, 04:50:16 PM
Invisible, your GD needs you, but she will not appreciate your efforts, and I would say that she CAN NOT appreciate them, until she's a grown up, maybe not until she's a mom.  So in the meantime, you must not give up.

I have a suggestion for you that is currently helping my complete outlook on life.   It's based on one of those internet jokes about "what men wish women knew", the line is "if I say something to you, and you can take it 2 ways, and one of those ways makes you cry, I MEANT the OTHER way". 

I doubt that your GD sais those words to you about not knowing your son to *HURT* you, she said it because she heard it and she likely wanted to hear you refute it.  What if you took it "the other way" and just said "HA!  Of course I knew my son, who do you think brought him up, who do you think taught him to do *insert something here that he did with GD or that she admires*, who do you think helped him *whatever*?  I knew that he was a good Daddy who thought the sun rose and set for his little *nickname for her*" 

As for remembering him, I don't think it's up to HEr to ry and remember him.  It's up to YOU to remind her.  You don't need to "push" it all the time, but whenever something comes up, you talk about how he would be so proud of her, or how he did that when he was little.  Just little anecdotes and funny stories.

But whatever you do, please don't give up on her.  She's already been "abandoned" by her Dad, she's afraid that the people who love her might leave.
Title: Re: Feeling Frustrated
Post by: cocobars on January 31, 2010, 04:59:00 PM
Quote from: Invisible on January 31, 2010, 08:05:14 AM

It was if a was nothing more than the baby sitter. I know my DIL hates me and my GD will mirror all those feeling her mother shares for me. But it hurts. In the event of death or divorce it is not uncommon for the son's mother and/or father to be pushed out of the relationship. When my mother and father were divorced I never saw my father or his mother again.

I am beginning to realize trying to keep a bond with my GD is a losing battle. If the mother hates me there is no way her daughter is going to like me against the wishes of her mother. My DIL has all the power and sh is using her daughter to hurt me. I just don't think I can take anymore .....hurt.

Maybe the best thing I can do for self preservation is to walk away.
Invisible, don't walk away for good.  I know it's tempting, but you know you would regret that and wonder the rest of your life where she is and if she's ok.  You would worry.  You're darned if you do and also if you don't.  There is no good side to this coin...

You really need some support - FOR YOU!  You are going through something I don't understand.  I probably never will.  All I know is that you would regret giving up "forever..." 

Just take a break and give yourself some room to breathe.  Take care of yourself and find something to bring your spirits up.  Anything...  Go to the library and find some uplifting self-help books, read through Luise's "Mom Responds" site, go visit your friends and get their support and love (ask for it if you have to).

When you feel better, stronger, then call to see her.  You are fighting a battle with her mother.  A battle you have to win for her own self-esteem.  It's really a battle over whether or not your GD feels loved.  You are all she has and she may treat you in hateful ways because of her mother, but you can build your own self up to be strong.  Take all the breaks you need but take care of you!  In that process, you will find the strength to show her she is loved.  Her mother is so wrong and abusive.  GD needs to know in the most secret place in her heart that she is loved.  You can do that for her, even if she won't admit it now.  Someday she will remember you loving her so much and the glimmer of hope you planted will grow into something to remember.

I'm sorry if I sound like I think all this is easy.  I know in my heart it's not, and nobody here would blame you for turning around and giving up!  Your situation looks (and I'm sure feels) so bleak!  I hope you can survive this!  I know you don't feel strong, after all, you've lost your son and now this.  And... for all I know, you could be right.  Giving up may be all there is.  But would you always wonder about that if you did?

Take a very much needed break and just "breathe."  You need that so much and you need some love and attention "for you" now.  This is your time.  When (or if) you feel strong enough to go back in,  you'll know it and feel it.  I really hate to even tell you to take that break, but I soooo agree with Penstamen.  It really is the oxygen mask on the airplaine here.  You have to be ok first, in order to reach her. 

We are all thinking about you so much and sending you our love!
Title: Re: Feeling Frustrated
Post by: cocobars on January 31, 2010, 05:02:27 PM
Quote from: Scoop on January 31, 2010, 04:50:16 PM
Invisible, your GD needs you, but she will not appreciate your efforts, and I would say that she CAN NOT appreciate them, until she's a grown up, maybe not until she's a mom.  So in the meantime, you must not give up.

I have a suggestion for you that is currently helping my complete outlook on life.   It's based on one of those internet jokes about "what men wish women knew", the line is "if I say something to you, and you can take it 2 ways, and one of those ways makes you cry, I MEANT the OTHER way". 

I doubt that your GD sais those words to you about not knowing your son to *HURT* you, she said it because she heard it and she likely wanted to hear you refute it.  What if you took it "the other way" and just said "HA!  Of course I knew my son, who do you think brought him up, who do you think taught him to do *insert something here that he did with GD or that she admires*, who do you think helped him *whatever*?  I knew that he was a good Daddy who thought the sun rose and set for his little *nickname for her*" 

As for remembering him, I don't think it's up to HEr to ry and remember him.  It's up to YOU to remind her.  You don't need to "push" it all the time, but whenever something comes up, you talk about how he would be so proud of her, or how he did that when he was little.  Just little anecdotes and funny stories.

But whatever you do, please don't give up on her.  She's already been "abandoned" by her Dad, she's afraid that the people who love her might leave.
Scoop!  This is so true!   :-\

She wasn't abandoned, but she may feel as if she was... 
Title: Re: Feeling Frustrated
Post by: Scoop on January 31, 2010, 05:14:28 PM
Actually Coco - it's a pretty good philosophy.  I work based on the assumption that people don't MEAN to be mean to me.  Because that way, if they're just having a bad day, or didn't mean to sound as harsh as they did, then "no harm - no foul".  And if they DID mean to be mean - well, then they didn't win, because they didn't hurt me.

We also run on the philosophy that we CAN'T read each other's mind.  It sounds stupid, but if you put it out there and BELIEVE it, then there's much fewer hurt feelings.  So if I think that my Dh should 'just know', I back it up and I tell him!  Instead of huffing around the kitchen cleaning up ALONE, I ask him for help, and he usually does, because he can't read my mind and he didn't know I wanted help.  It's awesome!

Good luck Invisible - as the brits say, keep you chin up!

Title: Re: Feeling Frustrated
Post by: Invisible on January 31, 2010, 07:24:39 PM
I have tried to be a positive influence in my GD's life. Confused by her mother's toxic response to our dysfunctional relationship, my GD mirrors these behaviors. Unfortunately, my GD continues to become increasingly cold and insensitive.

Since my son died, my relationship with my DIL has not improved. The only reason I am allowed to visit with my GD is because DIL considers me a free babysitting service. The selfish reason my DIL allows me to visit, is not important. What is important is that she continues to allow visitation.

At first, I kept visual photographs to record our visits. Now along with these photographs I document date and activities, keeping record of any visual or verbal abnormalities. Will I ever need any of this information? Who knows?
Previously, DIL has been charged with child abuse. I believe there is still a problem with abuse and neglect. To what extent, perhaps in time it will be revealed. Some of my recent observations include:

   Abuse and Neglect
08/2009 GD had bruises on both arms – her mom picked her up and threw her on the sofa.
12/2009 GD flinched twice cowering in fear as if she was going to be struck. (I was going for the TV remote).
1/2010 GD was wearing damp jeans – Very cold weather 34 degrees.
1/2010 It is not uncommon for GD's teeth and hair to be un-brushed. GD demonstrates bad oral hygiene.

Increase in Sexual Awareness
1/2010 GD asked male why he didn't kiss her on the lips.
1/2010 DIL was entertaining when I dropped GD off. GD ran out of the house telling me, Mommy is doing something nasty." (Later DIL explained to GD she was wrestling.)
7/2009 GD wanted to omit the bottoms of her 3 piece bathing suit by wearing only the top and the skirt. She told me it would look cute.
1/2010 GD tells me she checks herself daily for hair growth on her genitalia.

In spite of the difficulties, I have tried to engage GD in age appropriate activities such as: roller skating, bowling, bike riding, swimming, horseback riding,  Easter egg hunt, earth day activities,  County parks,  zoo, various museums, library enrichment and puppet shows.

I taught her how to roller skate and ride her bike without training wheels. Together we read, learn board games, old maid, play baseball, bake cookies and cup cakes, watch videos, plant flowers and participate in arts and crafts. Unfortunately, my relationship with my granddaughter is deteriorating. I don't know if there is anything I can do to save this fragile relationship.

As my dysfunctional relationship with DIL continues, GD will mirror her mother's contempt for me. GD tells me, the only reason she comes to visit me is because her mother makes her. DIL does not appreciate my relationship with GD and will sabotage our relationship. No, I am not invincible. There is only so much I can take.

Whenever families are broken by death or divorce it is not uncommon for the mother to isolate the Father's parents from their grandchildren. It's a shame. Perhaps this relationship is an unrealistic dream. Am I fighting a losing battle? Was GD lost to me when my son died? For self preservation, maybe the best thing I can do (at least for a little while) is to walk away. I need to nurse my emotional wounds.
Title: Re: Feeling Frustrated
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 31, 2010, 07:38:57 PM
Invisible,
These things with your Granddaughter break my heart.  I get so mad when I read them I cannot contain myself!  How dare that mutation DIL do this to her child.  What a piece of trash she is.  How low can she go?  Probably lower, I suspect.

That child doesn't stand a chance!  She's being trained by her mother to become just like her. Yes, you need to take care of yourself.  You cannot take anymore.

How can you get this child away from this humanoid?  It never works to take them away, though, they always want to go back to their Mutations!!  This is a tragedy! :'(
Title: Re: Feeling Frustrated
Post by: cocobars on February 01, 2010, 02:08:01 AM
Reading your list of observations brought tears to my eyes.  This is so sad that there is nothing legally you can do!

Invisible, just know that we are thinking about you and sending you good thoughts!  I hope you are feeling better and stronger soon. 
Title: Re: Feeling Frustrated
Post by: SunnyDays09 on February 01, 2010, 04:47:47 AM
QuoteMaybe the best thing I can do for self preservation is to walk away.

  I would never suggest no contact.  It is difficult.  But it does take two.  In my case, my son never tried contacting me at all.  I am sure he would have if I ever came into a large sum of money - and when I realized this about him/her,  n/c became the only choice.
   Their toxic  way was something I couldn't understand.  It ate at me continually.  I so wanted them in my life - they only needed me in theirs as certain times.  :(

   Thru eliminating the mean from my son and his choice of mates I became stronger to go a little further and stop all of those people who basically were using me and didn't really care if I was alive or dead. 

   I would much rather spend my energy and time - and my loving - on those that want it, and even return it in some minor fashion.

   Only you know what to do.  If the pain is too much - let her know.  But don't close the door on your grandchild (never met mine!).    Don't try to win the battle of DIL grieving your son.  Or what YOU feel she should do. Just do what you must to have a relationship with your gc.  Really.
   There will be a time when your gc wants to learn about her father, and her mother won't be able to stop it.  But for now, just enjoy your gc.   
Title: Re: Feeling Frustrated
Post by: Invisible on February 01, 2010, 06:27:00 AM
I am trying to "enjoy" my GD....but when my GD skates over to me  and says...."the only reason I come over to your house is because my mom makes me."  I mean if I say something to her she covers her ears and skates away. She is very cold to me. I am sure all her mother does is talk bad about me. How is this little girl supposed to love or respect me? It is an impossible battle to win. MY GD loves her mother. If her mother hates me of course my GD will hate me.

It makes me question why am I bothering. After I take her home I usually sit down and cry my eyes out. Because the death of my son has put me in this situation.



Quote from: HappyDays09 on February 01, 2010, 04:47:47 AM
QuoteMaybe the best thing I can do for self preservation is to walk away.

  I would never suggest no contact.  It is difficult.  But it does take two.  In my case, my son never tried contacting me at all.  I am sure he would have if I ever came into a large sum of money - and when I realized this about him/her,  n/c became the only choice.
   Their toxic  way was something I couldn't understand.  It ate at me continually.  I so wanted them in my life - they only needed me in theirs as certain times.  :(

   Thru eliminating the mean from my son and his choice of mates I became stronger to go a little further and stop all of those people who basically were using me and didn't really care if I was alive or dead. 

   I would much rather spend my energy and time - and my loving - on those that want it, and even return it in some minor fashion.

   Only you know what to do.  If the pain is too much - let her know.  But don't close the door on your grandchild (never met mine!).    Don't try to win the battle of DIL grieving your son.  Or what YOU feel she should do. Just do what you must to have a relationship with your gc.  Really.
   There will be a time when your gc wants to learn about her father, and her mother won't be able to stop it.  But for now, just enjoy your gc.
Title: Re: Feeling Frustrated
Post by: Invisible on February 01, 2010, 06:34:23 AM
Cocobars,
I tell my GD everytime the conversation comes up ...about how much her dad loves her. I tell her he is always watching her from heaven.

My GD mom is very selfish. If my DIL could destroy the relationship between my GD and myself she would feel powerful. I Just need a break.

The school was instrumental with getting my GD on medication. I wish my GD  and DIL would receive better counselling.


Quote from: cocobars on January 31, 2010, 08:47:35 AM
Quote from: Invisible on January 31, 2010, 08:20:27 AM
My son died 28 months ago. His daughter was 5. She is now 7 years old.

Yesterday I asked her what she missed most about her dad ...just to see what she would say. She just looked at me and said nothing. When my GD was 2-4 she looked like her dad. Now she looks and acts very much like her mom. My GD suffers from ADHD and her mother has her on medication. My GD has a very short memory. I do not know if it is related to the medication or the ADHD. Yes, my son had ADHD. Back in the day....we did not medicate children for hyper active disorders. We took them to the playground to run the energy off.

Invisible, one of my youngest daughter's has ADHD.  She was put into a special program at school where the kids get "one-on-one" attention (smaller classrooms but still public school).  The kids that have that DO have really short attention spans (and memory).  The teachers in those classrooms would go around and remind the kids to stay on task.  Your GD may not remember much about her Dad.  She is listening to her mother (probably tell her that her Dad didn't love her).  It's up to you to tell her how much you KNOW he did and still does where he is, and that he's looking down on her and sending her love through you sometimes.  I truly believe that.  You wouldn't be lying to her. It's up to you to let her know she was loved and still is.  She may not know that considering her mother's influence on her...
Title: Re: Feeling Frustrated
Post by: Invisible on February 01, 2010, 06:37:13 AM
2chickiebaby,

All kidding aside...I strongly believe with all my heart that my DIL has emotional problems.

Quote from: 2chickiebaby on January 31, 2010, 04:25:11 PM
Dear Invisible,
I wish I could get hold of your DIL.  I can't seem to get mad except on PAPER but I do think I'd wring her neck.

These people have no hearts, no souls, no humanity.  Talking to her own daughter about you and turning her against probably the only person on earth except the DIL who loves her, is beneath contempt.  I don't think the DIL loves her daughter so that leaves you to love her.

I don't understand how she can live on our earth.  Why do these people get to live here?  Someday your Granddaughter will understand what is going on.  It will be a long time and during this time she likely will have huge obstacles to hurdle. 

She will look back on you as her only safe place.  She likely loves her mother and probably wants her love but someday it will dawn on her where love really is. 

I'm so sorry, Invisible.  I wish we could take the hurt from you.
Title: Re: Feeling Frustrated
Post by: Invisible on February 01, 2010, 06:45:12 AM
Scoop,
Perhaps she she doesn't know what she is saying or just repeating what her mother wants her to say. But for me it doesn't really matter. Words hurt deeply.

I am doing and doing for my GD and when she tells me ...I only come over to your house because my mom makes me. I tend to wonder why bother. Yes, I know there is the mental health of a little girl. But I am fighting a dragon with a tooth pick. The odd are not in my favor. I need to take a rest break.


Quote from: Scoop on January 31, 2010, 04:50:16 PM
Invisible, your GD needs you, but she will not appreciate your efforts, and I would say that she CAN NOT appreciate them, until she's a grown up, maybe not until she's a mom.  So in the meantime, you must not give up.

I have a suggestion for you that is currently helping my complete outlook on life.   It's based on one of those internet jokes about "what men wish women knew", the line is "if I say something to you, and you can take it 2 ways, and one of those ways makes you cry, I MEANT the OTHER way". 

I doubt that your GD said those words to you about not knowing your son to *HURT* you, she said it because she heard it and she likely wanted to hear you refute it.  What if you took it "the other way" and just said "HA!  Of course I knew my son, who do you think brought him up, who do you think taught him to do *insert something here that he did with GD or that she admires*, who do you think helped him *whatever*?  I knew that he was a good Daddy who thought the sun rose and set for his little *nickname for her*" 

As for remembering him, I don't think it's up to HEr to ry and remember him.  It's up to YOU to remind her.  You don't need to "push" it all the time, but whenever something comes up, you talk about how he would be so proud of her, or how he did that when he was little.  Just little anecdotes and funny stories.

But whatever you do, please don't give up on her.  She's already been "abandoned" by her Dad, she's afraid that the people who love her might leave.
Title: Re: Feeling Frustrated
Post by: Invisible on February 01, 2010, 06:55:48 AM
Yes, but words DO hurt. When my DIL talks bad about my son...he can not defend himself. My GD loves her mother and believe every word she says. I tell my GD no, your mom is mistaken your daddy was not like that  or did not do that ....she will not believe me. Of course my GD believes her mom.

For my DIL there is no love lost. She was "happy" my son died. She came into some money her house is paid for, her new car is paid for ...so as far as she is concerned his death was the best thing that could happen to her. In fact to use her words..." It just doesn't get any better than this."


Quote from: Scoop on January 31, 2010, 05:14:28 PM
Actually Coco - it's a pretty good philosophy.  I work based on the assumption that people don't MEAN to be mean to me.  Because that way, if they're just having a bad day, or didn't mean to sound as harsh as they did, then "no harm - no foul".  And if they DID mean to be mean - well, then they didn't win, because they didn't hurt me.

We also run on the philosophy that we CAN'T read each other's mind.  It sounds stupid, but if you put it out there and BELIEVE it, then there's much fewer hurt feelings.  So if I think that my Dh should 'just know', I back it up and I tell him!  Instead of huffing around the kitchen cleaning up ALONE, I ask him for help, and he usually does, because he can't read my mind and he didn't know I wanted help.  It's awesome!

Good luck Invisible - as the brits say, keep you chin up!
Title: Re: Feeling Frustrated
Post by: SunnyDays09 on February 01, 2010, 07:30:21 AM
QuoteIt makes me question why am I bothering. After I take her home I usually sit down and cry my eyes out.

Quote
I am doing and doing for my GD and when she tells me ...I only come over to your house because my mom makes me.

QuoteOf course my GD believes her mom.

You may have already made the decision for yourself to change your relationships with them.  If it is hurting you so much, then perhaps no more contact could help.  The way it is now, with you banging your head against the wall in trying to change what your dil has poisoned your gd with, there doesn't seem to be any change.
   You tried.  You loved.  The mean with your dil is too strong.  You must do what you need to keep yourself healthy. 
    I don't think anything you try will change her course and it sounds as if the gd is a lost cause as well.  I am sorry.
Title: Re: Feeling Frustrated
Post by: cremebrulee on February 01, 2010, 11:51:47 AM
Invisable, hello....
my heart goes out to you...I wish so much this wouldn't be happening to you....

Here's what I would do...if it were my Grand daughter, and she said negative things to me about me to my face, I'd say to her...well, you know, I love you with all my heart and always will....there is a part of me in you, and you in me...and no matter what mommie says....I love her and you very much.  Actually, what she is doing, is, and she is to young to understand about not saying these things aloud, and thank God she is...she is I believe trying to get your opinion, don't validate your DIL's putting you down to her....give that child something to think about, let her know she's loved, b/c someday, it will pay off...answer her with kindness to the contrary of what her mother says, but in a very loving way, without implementing her mother....let her figure out that part....just constantly validate your love to her....your son, if you don't mind me saying, is watching over you both....he needs you now more then ever, to look out for his daughter...

No matter what she says to you, counter act it with a great amount of support of love and good feelings, never anything negative. 

Let her know how important it is to you to have time with her...and that you love her, constantly reassuring her...
or hug her and say, do you know how much I love you....smile a lot, and don't allow her to see your pain....

you are very instrumental in her life, she needs you, actually more then you need her, and it is very important you are a stellar positive part of her life....

don't spoil her at all, and make certain, if she does something wrong, you do what you would normally do as a mother...and then explain to her later...."do you know why I did that?"....because I love you, and your behavior was wrong, and you want her to grow up understanding that when she is at your home, or another home, that there are different rules she will have to follow and it is essential she understand polite, social skills and love....

Remember, you are a very important factor in her life, you are her rock....

Love you
Creme

Title: Re: Feeling Frustrated
Post by: cocobars on February 02, 2010, 06:08:21 AM
Quote from: Invisible on February 01, 2010, 06:55:48 AM
Yes, but words DO hurt. When my DIL talks bad about my son...he can not defend himself. My GD loves her mother and believe every word she says. I tell my GD no, your mom is mistaken your daddy was not like that  or did not do that ....she will not believe me. Of course my GD believes her mom.

For my DIL there is no love lost. She was "happy" my son died. She came into some money her house is paid for, her new car is paid for ...so as far as she is concerned his death was the best thing that could happen to her. In fact to use her words..." It just doesn't get any better than this."

Invisible, I don't know how your son passed, but that comment would have really made me wonder if she didn't play a part.  That's just so cruel to think, much less to say out loud!

My conscience would bother me.  I would die of "lack of sleep!"
Title: Re: Feeling Frustrated
Post by: 2chickiebaby on February 02, 2010, 06:12:45 AM
I agree, Coco.....I wonder too.
Title: Re: Feeling Frustrated
Post by: cocobars on February 02, 2010, 06:26:49 AM
Invisible, you hang in.  Just know we are all thinking about you!  I still think you really need support!  More than just us here (not that we're not important to you)!  I hope you can see how much you mean and how important you are, what a good heart you have!  We can't tell you enough!

You have to take care of you and get stronger.  You really need to see yourself from our eyes and realize who you are!  You need that strength and I know it's really hard for you right now.  Do something special "just for you!"  You deserve that treat.  I hope you know it!

Really, you do!

When you have to take these breaks, always remember this is "your time!"  You are caring for yourself just as you would care for your child whom you love so much (or in your case - your GD).  It's your time!  You need that care to build up your strength.  You need to be surrounded by people who see who you are and love you!  If you don't have that, then see a counsellor, a friend who loves and knows you, join a supportive church group, anyone!  Yes, even us.  You need to be loved too, and sometimes we have to go find that and/or ask for it!  I know that's sad, but it is true.  You need that for you too!

Sometimes I think when people don't have their mother's anymore, they miss that mothering role she provided.  That unconditional aspect of love raining back on them.  If your mother were here, what would she say?  She would be upset that someone was treating her daughter in such hateful ways.  She would love you by doing something special for you and would give you a sounding board, with alot of understanding and love.  That's what I feel will build your strength! 

We are all here for you sweetheart!  You are offering so much, but you need something in return.  I can only hope that you read these posts and see what we all see in you!  I hope you will surround yourself with loving people and find your strength...
Title: Re: Feeling Frustrated
Post by: Invisible on February 02, 2010, 01:13:41 PM
Coco....My DIL has a my space page. She has posted  It just doesn't get any better than this." About a month after my son died. No, I don't think she had anything to do with is death but there was no grief.  I truly believe my DIL is mentally deficient. Something is wrong with the way she thinks and responds to problems. My GD is going to grow up with a "crazy" mom. Nothing I can do about it.

My son died as a result of a motorcycle accident.

[/quote]
Invisible, I don't know how your son passed, but that comment would have really made me wonder if she didn't play a part.  That's just so cruel to think, much less to say out loud!

My conscience would bother me.  I would die of "lack of sleep!"
[/quote]
Title: Re: Feeling Frustrated
Post by: Invisible on February 02, 2010, 01:52:09 PM
Coco,

My DIL has hurt beyond words can describe. When she said 'It doesn't get any better than this' ...yes I was very hurt. But she is telling my GD that I didn't even know my son. That hurts. MY son is dead and my DIL is still jealous of my relationship with him. Why else would she say such a thing???
Title: Re: Feeling Frustrated
Post by: cocobars on February 02, 2010, 06:33:51 PM
I know invisible.  I thought the same thing.  Take care of you!

Then go back in, we're all here for you!

...And watch out for Luise!  She will "ping" you until you've lost 15 pounds, are wearing a beautiful pink dress, and are smiling.  I hope you are!  I would like to see that!
Title: Re: Feeling Frustrated
Post by: cocobars on February 04, 2010, 07:34:57 PM
Hi invisible!  I haven't heard from you in a few days.  I just want to let you know we are all still thinking about you.  I hope no news is good news, but have no way to tell...

Has anyone told you lately how much you mean?  You do.  You mean everything to one little girl I can think of - even if she doesn't want to tell you that right now.

Has anyone told you how beautiful you are?  You are a sight for sore eyes!  What?  You think hearts like yours grow on trees?
Title: Re: Feeling Frustrated
Post by: Hope on February 21, 2010, 10:35:38 AM
Incredible GM,
After reading all the activities you partake with your gd, I can't help but wish I had you for my gm.  Your love really shines through!  My maternal gp's died before my parents married, so I never met them and my faternal gm died when I was 5 - but we didn't share a single special time like you offer your gd regularly.  After reading all your posts in this thread, I can't help but wonder if your dil is using illegal drugs.  I agree with happydays09 - your gd will come back when she's older and want to learn all she can about her dad.  It's human nature.  And you will have your moment of truth - to tell her the story of her loving daddy.  I feel your pain and agree that right now you need a break - time to heal - to take care of your injured soul.   Can you feel my big bear hug? 
Title: Re: Feeling Frustrated
Post by: Invisible on March 11, 2010, 07:33:19 AM
Than you ...Hope. I needed that big hug.

Quote from: Hope on February 21, 2010, 10:35:38 AM
Incredible GM,
After reading all the activities you partake with your gd, I can't help but wish I had you for my gm.  Your love really shines through!  My maternal gp's died before my parents married, so I never met them and my faternal gm died when I was 5 - but we didn't share a single special time like you offer your gd regularly.  After reading all your posts in this thread, I can't help but wonder if your dil is using illegal drugs.  I agree with happydays09 - your gd will come back when she's older and want to learn all she can about her dad.  It's human nature.  And you will have your moment of truth - to tell her the story of her loving daddy.  I feel your pain and agree that right now you need a break - time to heal - to take care of your injured soul.   Can you feel my big bear hug?
Title: Re: Feeling Frustrated
Post by: Marilyn on March 11, 2010, 07:40:22 AM
Invisible,so good to see your back!!!
Are you doing ok?I know a lot of us were getting really worried about you.
We missed you.
Title: Re: Feeling Frustrated
Post by: Pen on March 11, 2010, 07:45:32 AM
It's so good to hear from you, Invisible! {{{hugs}}}
Title: Re: Feeling Frustrated
Post by: RedRose on March 11, 2010, 01:08:14 PM
I missed you Invisible.
More (((hugs)))
Title: Re: Feeling Frustrated
Post by: cocobars on March 11, 2010, 04:24:18 PM
Me too!  So much!
Title: Re: Feeling Frustrated
Post by: momX3 on March 11, 2010, 09:41:16 PM
Invisible,
My heart breaks for you.  You have endured so much heartache and tragedy.
Only you know how much you can tolerate with the DIL as she sounds like a difficult person.
I believe that you are a wonderful, wonderful Gramma and your GD will realize this as she becomes older.
I also believe that young children are impressionable. When we recall memories of our own Grandparents or Aunts
(or whoever) from the days when we were 7 or 8 years old, it is often those fun times that come to mind when we spent time together baking or taking walks or gardening. 

I worked with hospice for a long time.
I do not know if this would help your GD but I was just reminiscing about some of the things that have stayed in my list of memories.

When a family member lost a loved one, some families put a "special container, or trunk, or took up a small area of a room" to honor their loved one.
In this "special" space or container, there were lots of momentos of their loved one.  (School pictures, graduation pictures, favorite toys from childhood, trophies from playing ball, or whatever was special to that person or their family.)
It was always so touching when family members showed me these "special momentos/photos."
I do not believe that your GD will forget all the things that you are doing with her. Maybe if she could see the things that were special to her Dad as a child and young adult, it would help her to see him in a special way. "Life is about creating memories."
Anyway, you are doing a great job as a GM. Don't give up on your granddaughter. You are the only stable person in her life. She is observing you but cannot express her true feelings as death is not someting children can grasp.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Title: Re: Feeling Frustrated
Post by: womenrule123 on March 31, 2010, 09:04:50 AM
Hello Invisible! My heart is with you. I am very, very sorry for the passing of your son. I think your GD is very confused about her own feelings and fears of being belittled by her mother if caught mourning.  GD is to young to understand your dil's "adult" tantrums and still needs the support of strong role models within the family. DIL is resentful for her own reasons and needs to get professional guidance (this being her choice). My suggestion is continue to provide a "safe place" filled with love and compassion for your GD. I would back away from showing her pictures and sharing stories of DS for awhile (not forever). I only suggest it because GD may feel uncomfortable because she's confused with her own feelings. In time, GD will open up and ask more questions when she feels more secure. Right now...in GD's mind...her mother knows all and GD desires to be loved by her surviving parent. She already lost one parent and no doubt has fears about losing her mom. I bet you're an amazing grandmother and I bet you have lots to share with your GD. Even if GD is uncomfortable with your hugs...keep doing it. A touch on the shoulder, a gentle rub on the back are simple gestures and won't threaten GD's personal space. If you have a special picture or some other craft your GD created, have it framed and place it on your wall or mantle... GD will notice it (don't point it out). GD will feel special and appreciated without the physical exchange of words! You can't control your dil's "tantrums" but you can control your own actions in your own environment. Your GD will appreciate the "cushion"...that soft place to land as she grows older and gains a better understanding of life in general.
(I had lost my parent's and my first child...I relate through my own experiences as a dd, dil, wife and mother)
Be gentle with yourself! XOXO