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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: tryingmybest on January 17, 2011, 06:16:43 PM

Title: Oh I shoulda told em so!
Post by: tryingmybest on January 17, 2011, 06:16:43 PM
I need some help in keeping my mouth shut. My son seems to be coming right up against what   I saw coming at him really clearly before he ever slipped an engagement ring on his wife's finger.
He is spending his days doing what she wants, when she wants it done and on her schedule.  It is all about her, and it's getting to him, just the way I knew it would.  He looks exhausted and miserable.  Our relationship is back on track because I never got mad at them, and tried to be the place of no stress and support.
He's saying this will be the year of doing what he wants to do. So I've made the adjustment, done my loving detachment, and actually want this marriage to work. I know it's out of my control, and I have no part I this but I just need someone to TELL me to keep out of it! Bigger kids, bigger problems!  :o
Title: Re: Oh I shoulda told em so!
Post by: Tara on January 17, 2011, 06:56:57 PM
Dear TMB,

I think you are doing the exact right thing by being lovingly detached and staying out of it.  Keep up the
good work.
Title: Re: Oh I shoulda told em so!
Post by: Pen on January 17, 2011, 07:27:00 PM
You're doing great so far, it seems. Good for you! When you feel like saying something you shouldn't, come here instead. Your detached yet loving treatment of DS & DIL will do wonders. I'm sorry your DS is miserable, but perhaps he's getting ready to speak up for himself. He'll be more apt to do so if he doesn't feel like he's following his mommy's advice, but rather standing up like a man.

Title: Re: Oh I shoulda told em so!
Post by: holliberri on January 17, 2011, 07:28:57 PM
Keep up the good work, TMB!!
Title: Re: Oh I shoulda told em so!
Post by: LaurieS on January 17, 2011, 08:24:30 PM
Sometimes saying nothing speaks the loudest.  While no one wants their child to ever be miserable, we do want them to be able to stand up for their happiness and desires in any relationship.  Sometimes that pendulum has to hit the extremes before they can find a real balance in their lives.  You've done well.
Title: Re: Oh I shoulda told em so!
Post by: luise.volta on January 17, 2011, 08:56:19 PM
Keeping my mouth shut when I have an opinion (which I always do) is the hardest thing there is to do, for me. I haven't mastered it but I often succeed. Good for you! We are all in your corner!!Sending love...
Title: Re: Oh I shoulda told em so!
Post by: tryingmybest on January 18, 2011, 04:58:02 AM
Thank you ladies. That old Mom to the rescue thing is hard to lose isn't it? They all be so much better off if they'd just remember ""mother knows best". lol, just kidding, seriously....hmmmm
Title: Re: Oh I shoulda told em so!
Post by: Faithlooksup on January 18, 2011, 05:21:24 AM
Good for you Tryingmybest!!!!   You are doing good standing at the sidelines with this....
No matter how old we are we are always learning, whether good or bad it is part of life.....

And someday he just might say, "you were right Mom" ~~you never know!!! ;)

Cheers, Faith
Title: Re: Oh I shoulda told em so!
Post by: cremebrulee on January 18, 2011, 05:45:34 AM
well, everytime your tempted to open your mouth, tell yourself this..."my son's happiness is much more important, so, everytime I open my mouth, let it be encouragement and support...and never say a word negative about DIL"....remember, your happiness is son's happiness...it's the trickle down effect...which every action, word you utter, reflects on others...

Good Luck....
Creme
Title: Re: Oh I shoulda told em so!
Post by: JaneF on January 18, 2011, 06:57:36 AM
GOOD JOB!!!!  I also find it difficult to not say anything to son at times, but it is best that I do not.  I have told the kids I am not here to "rescue" them, they need to be adults and resolve their own issues (and then they can't come back on old mom and blame me!). Keep up the great work!
Title: Re: Oh I shoulda told em so!
Post by: Pen on January 18, 2011, 07:07:53 AM
Creme, thanks for bringing up the point about never saying anything negative about DIL, and I might add her FOO. It will most definitely get back to her, and you'd be likely looking at a cutoff.

I've become the queen of sounding interested but really saying nothing...I don't make any definite statements about anything related to their lives, and what little I do say is always positive and supportive no matter my concerns. DIL told DS recently that she appreciated DH & me for not jumping into the fray when some major life decisions were being hashed over; apparently her FOO was pressuring them.

Now be assured I would LOVE to have a good old long talk about everything w/ DS the way we used to! I miss our discussions terribly, but I know those days are over. :(
Title: Re: Oh I shoulda told em so!
Post by: Pooh on January 18, 2011, 07:31:15 AM
I have the right to remain silent, just not the ability  :o
Title: Re: Oh I shoulda told em so!
Post by: cremebrulee on January 18, 2011, 07:35:26 AM
Quote from: Pen on January 18, 2011, 07:07:53 AM
Creme, thanks for bringing up the point about never saying anything negative about DIL, and I might add her FOO. It will most definitley get back to her, and you'd be likely looking at a cutoff.

I've become the queen of sounding interested but really saying nothing...I don't make any definite statements about anything related to their lives, and what little I do say is always positive and supportive no matter my concerns. DIL told DS recently that she appreciated DH & me for not jumping into the fray when some major life decisions were being hashed over; apparently her FOO was pressuring them.

Now be assured I would LOVE to have a good old long talk about everything w/ DS the way we used to! I miss our discussions terribly, but I know those days are over. :(

Pen, honestly, given time, I bet those long talks will return...just give him time....and you'll be surprised...when he feels right, it'll happen, then you go sista....and have a huge celebration, and don't forget to let us all know about it here, b/c it will be the greatest of days....so you'll have to promise to share!!!!   ;D ;D
Title: Re: Oh I shoulda told em so!
Post by: cremebrulee on January 18, 2011, 07:35:50 AM
Quote from: Pooh on January 18, 2011, 07:31:15 AM
I have the right to remain silent, just not the ability  :o

LOL, you are a hoot...!!!!  ;D
Title: Re: Oh I shoulda told em so!
Post by: Tara on January 18, 2011, 08:17:07 PM
Now be assured I would LOVE to have a good old long talk about everything w/ DS the way we used to! I miss our discussions terribly, but I know those days are over. :(
[/quote]


Pen,  I know just what you mean about missing the good old long talks about everything.  I miss those discussions with my son too.

Also, liked what you said about being the queen of sounding interested but not saying anything.  This is a new skill for me.  Wish I would have known about it earlier.  I think when my son got married I was so clueless about how to be a skillful MIL.
Title: Re: Oh I shoulda told em so!
Post by: Pen on January 18, 2011, 10:10:06 PM
Me, too, Tara - I just thought we'd all get along like adults.
Title: Re: Oh I shoulda told em so!
Post by: Pooh on January 19, 2011, 05:23:59 AM
Me three.  I thought everyone would work through issues and act like humans should act.
Title: Re: Oh I shoulda told em so!
Post by: luise.volta on January 19, 2011, 11:05:12 AM
Do we have room for Me, Four?
Title: Re: Oh I shoulda told em so!
Post by: tryingmybest on January 19, 2011, 08:10:37 PM
I miss those days too. The other day I actually had both sons at dinner alone (no dills) It was kinda nice. :) It is such a hard time of life, but I'm finding if you detach and keep the lines of communication open you stand the best chance of not going completely nuts. And this site is so important, we are not alone... And that makes such a difference.
Title: Re: Oh I shoulda told em so!
Post by: cremebrulee on January 20, 2011, 07:56:04 AM
Quote from: Pen on January 18, 2011, 07:07:53 AM
Creme, thanks for bringing up the point about never saying anything negative about DIL, and I might add her FOO. It will most definitely get back to her, and you'd be likely looking at a cutoff.

I've become the queen of sounding interested but really saying nothing...I don't make any definite statements about anything related to their lives, and what little I do say is always positive and supportive no matter my concerns. DIL told DS recently that she appreciated DH & me for not jumping into the fray when some major life decisions were being hashed over; apparently her FOO was pressuring them.

Now be assured I would LOVE to have a good old long talk about everything w/ DS the way we used to! I miss our discussions terribly, but I know those days are over. :(

Your very wise to do what your doing and are now accepting what is....when I get to the point of remembering those fond days of how things were with my son, instead of feeling that punch in the stomach, I worked hard at remembering how blessed I was at having a great son...he was a joy to raise and I was very lucky to have him, to learn from him, to share and grow with him, and fondly I might add, it always puts a smile in my heart and on my face....but yes, those days are over and instead of feeling sad, I remember, always, this is HIS life now, and his turn, and he is very happy and in love, like I was, and I used to say, when he was younger, before my DIL....my hope for my son, is that he experience love and parenting, so what else could I want for? 

I hope that helps, it worked for me....it's reconditioning to self to look for the blessings rather then think of the sad stuff....and in doing so, it's become very bountiful....

Title: Re: Oh I shoulda told em so!
Post by: cremebrulee on January 20, 2011, 07:58:05 AM
Quote from: tryingmybest on January 19, 2011, 08:10:37 PM
I miss those days too. The other day I actually had both sons at dinner alone (no dills) It was kinda nice. :) It is such a hard time of life, but I'm finding if you detach and keep the lines of communication open you stand the best chance of not going completely nuts. And this site is so important, we are not alone... And that makes such a difference.

Yanno, I have friends and family members, whose wives boot they're son's out of the house and make them have quality time with they're mothers....why?  Because they understand the preciousness of motherhood and child....b/c they have children of they're own, and they feel that Mom is not going to be around forever, so, they make they're husbands take they're moms out to dinner once a month or so....that kinda thing really warms my heart.
Title: Re: Oh I shoulda told em so!
Post by: luise.volta on January 20, 2011, 08:52:07 AM
I hope you're kidding, Creme. I sure wouldn't want to have my son take me to dinner because he was told to.  :(
Title: Re: Oh I shoulda told em so!
Post by: Pen on January 20, 2011, 09:08:57 AM
The pity visit...so very awkward.

Creme, I think you meant that the wives encourage their husbands to visit? That they don't stand in the way of DH's relationship with his FOO? I agree that it's heartwarming to see a DIL who can understand & not be threatened by that bond.
Title: Re: Oh I shoulda told em so!
Post by: MrsKitty on January 20, 2011, 09:16:24 AM
I just wanted to add that I think that it is important if the OP's son is coming to her with marital problems that she tell him that he needs to discuss his feelings with his wife. Great job!
Title: Re: Oh I shoulda told em so!
Post by: Pen on January 20, 2011, 09:23:20 AM
Mrs. K, I totally agree! And you'll be glad to know that's exactly what we did.
Title: Re: Oh I shoulda told em so!
Post by: LaurieS on January 20, 2011, 09:29:28 AM
I'm always willing to listen to one of my kids if they need to talk through a problem.  Listening is not the problem.. it's the advice.
Title: Re: Oh I shoulda told em so!
Post by: cremebrulee on January 20, 2011, 09:36:41 AM
Quote from: Pen on January 20, 2011, 09:08:57 AM
The pity visit...so very awkward.

Creme, I think you meant that the wives encourage their husbands to visit? That they don't stand in the way of DH's relationship with his FOO? I agree that it's heartwarming to see a DIL who can understand & not be threatened by that bond.

yes, exactly...and the son's don't mind doing it at all, however, you know some men, you have to give em a nudge.....but the after effects are so rewarding...and son's should have some quality time with they're mothers....just as daughters love to have quality time with they're mom's....