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I think there's a lot to be said for that. We can be independent, self-starters and still be gracious. I know the old, down-trodden and passive "little-woman" is a thing of the past (thank heavens) but we can stand tall and still be gentle about it. We can listen and we can understand...those traits don't have to be trashed along with dependency.

Opps! Almost fell off my soapbox!

Urggff! Where did I put that Magic Wand? I'm getting so forgetful!!!

Oh, there it is!! PING!!!   PING!!!

It doesn't sound to me like any of us gave up easily. Self-preservation was a last resort. Most of us tried everything else first and only closed the door when we knew there was nothing on the other side of it except pain and suffering.

Self-respect...self-love...most of us have work to do.

The whole thing about the uncle and the "sister/mom thing" is so awful. And yet you picked up the pieces and went on. That's where dignity lies. And it brings healing. It does.

I got a minus check so I deleted the person from the forum! JUST KIDDING! That's not even possible but I just had to let everyone know I'm in one really silly mood today.

Well, your DIL could have said "Got 'em" without the "Thanks." She's one-up, there! I know..I know...poor attempt at humor. 

I have trouble with that kind of thing, too. I feel like I sometimes have a script and if others would just follow it, we'd be fine. One of my short suits is often thinking the way I see something is the way it is. Alice has pointed out that it's often perceptual.

It seems like you never expect your DIL to be how she is. Then you're always disappointed that she didn't meet your expectations. That brings more hurt and anger.

Everything you say about he paints a picture that is very graphic and predictable. She's not what you want. She's not what you need. She doesn't fit. Your son picked her and he's changed radically under her influence. He's taken his life someplace that makes no sense to you, and he is lost to you in many ways. He may have wanted a controlling person but they all don't act like she does. Some bossy people are quite lovable. Me, for instance...(another weak attempt at humor.)

There must be some way for you to move past being so churned up about it all the time. He did what he did and she is how she is. Constantly experiencing grief and rage over it has got to be bad for you and yours.

I want to be your Fairy Godmother and I want to "Ping" you with my magic wand!

I would like to have been given a clean slate when she met me. My elder (deceased) son decided when he was about 13 that I was totally unacceptable. I don't know when the DIL I am writing about decided that about her own mother, but when they got together the "somebody done me wrong-song" was fully established and we were both stereotypes. We were treated like second-rate citizens; tolerated but definitely inferior, unwanted and unloved. I never understood any of it.

My second son's wife was prejudiced in the opposite way because he thinks he really lucked out in the mom-department. (Same mom, for heavens sake.) Anyhow, she came into my life with open arms and an open heart. We are very different but we have a deep respect for each other and can count on each other when either of us needs help.
We have a friendship that is separate from their relationship and we love to do stuff together, email back and forth, etc.

My point is that there was no clean slate in either case. A picture was painted of me that highly influenced our relationship before we ever met. I know that is hard to erase, but I would like a future DIL to decide for herself what she wants from me and what she has to offer...after we have met and had a chance to get to know each other. It can be pals, or just courteous. It can provide the opportunity to go deeper or stay on the surface. I'm able to adjust. I just want it to work.

Well, that might work on another website but I think you'd do better here with Brad Pitt. 

Well, good for you! We just toss ideas out from varying points of view and that's often what happens...a sense of balance returns when we are heard and acknowledged. And you're right, the bottom line is self-love and self-care. It's the foundation from which we give and serve.

You love that little girl and she knows it. The birthday card in the mail brought her joy and you don't want any guilt to fall on her about the undelivered party invitation. (Who knows what that whole story is?)

Have fun on your one-on-one time with her!

Well, that's fun to pick a non-picture picture!

One of my granddaughters-in-law has put up her dog's picture on Facebook. 

That's another whole chapter in life...granddaughters-in-law. I have one here and one in Paris and they are both wonderful. There is also an ex-GDIL that I'm still in contact with.

And since I have four great grandchildren in high school and college...Whoa!...can great great granddaughters-in-law be far off? 

Amen, Prissy! And welcome, S/D. You have a gentleness and a firmness that go well together. Very much appreciated.

We have to find a way to go on. We have to call it as it is and not put our heads in the sand. And we need each other when it gets too hard and we feel alone and overwhelmed. Thank you for your empathy and kindness and I'm so sorry you had all of that to cope with.

Well, heck...why not just drop over and say that your company left early and so you thought you'd just stop by for a birthday hug?!

You're doing great...and that's what this site is for...not feeling alone and to blame. We unite...heart-to-heart, and do the best we can in very difficult circumstances. Remember that your DIL had something to do with your being a grandmother. I don't mean that in a Pollyanna way. It's just the other side of the fact that you had something to do with her having a husband. You are deeply connected whether she remembers that or not.

No, I wouldn't take a stand on this (or on any other issue) with your DI. I see it as a trap. I think that's what your DIL wants you to do and that she will use it against you.

Prissy makes a lot of sense to me. Her suggestion totally ignores the spiteful behavior of your DIL and focuses on your granddaughter.

I get the feeling that you are being baited and that anything you do will provide her with the ammunition she is seeking. If you fall for it, she will then make it your fault and open war will be declared with her as the injured party. Greater distance from your granddaughter will be the result. 

I have no idea if your DIL is doing this with malice of forethought or is unconsciously trying to cause trouble due to her own insecurities or limitations but the results are the same.

What you are asking for and and deserve is respect and that is being withheld deliberately. To stay in touch with your granddaughter at all, I feel you need to act like it doesn't matter all that much to you how or when you are invited...or better yet, that you didn't even notice the slight...if you can pull that off. She is treating you outrageously, that's clear. I would give her back a happy camper and get great satisfaction from that.

I think your DIL probably enjoys treating others differently to let you know how you rate with her. Your son sounds apathetic; we see a lot of that around here. Our sons can't cope and give up trying. Play dumb and beat her at her own game. I know that's not easy or even honest, but it's a survival plan.

You are so right about the child and his welfare being the issue. It is time for everyone to align on that not focus on who is to blame. There is a little person here who needs love and understanding.

Probably more data has to be gathered before a medical diagnosis can be made and a treatment program can be set up but that's where to start. Guessing who's to blame is wasted energy and cruel. Maybe no one is. And if it's inherited, it may have skipped a generation or two and come down from very bright people.

Being slow in math isn't retardation. There are geniuses who are not "math people." Give me a break. How ridiculous! Being slow in math is often an attitude..."I don't like this stuff, it doesn't appeal to me."

Support your son in supporting your grandson. This is the time for research, not superstition. This is the time for kindness not accusation.
Help your son to see that rejecting himself as a worthy father could lead to rejection his son. Love is what heals, not recrimination and guilt.

You're welcome. We're all interested and concerned, as you can tell. If you get a chance, give us your input on some of the other posts.