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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: lilyofthevalley on September 02, 2009, 10:12:05 PM

Title: What do you expect?
Post by: lilyofthevalley on September 02, 2009, 10:12:05 PM
I am interested in hearing expectations that people have for their SILs and DILs.  Do you/did you expect your DIL to become your friend?  Do/did you expect her to call you/arrange visits/buy gifts?  Do you have the same expectation of your SILs?  Do you have expectations of your SIL that you don't have of your DIL?  Do you expect your child's partner to handle things you don't expect your child to handle?  I'm wondering how our associations with gender affect the responsibilities we assign to our children.
Title: Re: What do you expect?
Post by: just2baccepted on September 02, 2009, 10:28:01 PM
Oh boy I like this question and can't wait to see the MIL's answers to this.  Thanks Lily
Title: Re: What do you expect?
Post by: AnnieB on September 03, 2009, 03:48:29 AM
I only have sons so I can't do any comparisons, sorry, between my expectations of a daughter in law and son in law!

I don't expect my DIL's to "do" anything -- my generation was the women's rights and flower child generation and I was a working mother and then later a single parent so the gender barriers were kind of not defined. Or should I say, we were the ones that had to break them down and make it acceptable for girls to wear hard hats and boys to play with dolls (I over simplify, but I hope you get the point without me going into stories of what it used to be like).. I also had some jobs women weren't supposed to so, so I'm not a traditionalist in my own life in defining gender roles.

In my two marriages, my husbands contacted their mothers and I contacted mine.  That seemed to work.  That was because it kept us in touch with our mothers, it was just automatic and how we did it.

Even if somewhere in my mind I had expectations, I don't think it's up to me to set what the DIL or her husband does or doesn't do in defining their roles -- I expect in each of my sons' marriages, the couple will work out what works for them in terms of who does the calling, gift buying, scheduling etc. for time with their relatives.

The only time I would feel unhappy would be if my son never contacted me and all of our "talk" was through the DIL -- once in awhile I just like to talk to my son, one on one, just to touch base.  (I'd love to know how DIL's feel about that!)

Did I expect my DIL's to become my friend? You'd have to define what you mean as "friend" because that could be misinterpreted.    I have my own friends, i.e. people I hang out with who are my peers (not always in age, btw - my friends range in age from 40's to 90's and I'm in between), and my best friends who I talk with every day about personal issues.  I didn't expect my DIL's to become my friends in that manner, though I would not turn them away if a friendship developed! 

I think I did have some idea that I'd be like a second mom to them -- but that was my naiviety and lack of MIL training.  Not having daughters, that was idealistic.  However, I gave that up without a fight.  Don't use it against me or other MIL's.
Title: Re: What do you expect?
Post by: lilyofthevalley on September 03, 2009, 07:42:56 AM
I ask because I've noticed that despite the fact I marched in the feminist movement myself, I still have gender role biases, and I was wondering if this was the case for others or if I'm the odd duck.  I expected my DIL to be like a daughter/friend (calling occasionally, go to lunch every now and then, maybe a shopping trip sometime), but if you asked me if I expected my son to do this with his MIL, I would have thought that idea odd.  And I was getting frustrated at my DIL when my holiday plans would be scheduled later/not be the same as her family/etc, when, as I recently found out due to a great heart to heart with her, my son was/is responsible for arranging visits with our family and she arranges things with hers.  To be totally honest, this makes perfect sense, is an equal share of the "work", etc, but it bothers me I didn't realize this before.  So I'm trying to examine my expectations based on gender roles, etc to see what else I might be missing.  And I was hoping others might contribute their biases or possible ones so I could look at those, too.  I can only thank my lucky stars I never actually voiced my frustrations with her, because most of them should have been directed at my son.  I just want this to work out, and I don't want to make the mistakes that lead to a broken family.
Title: Re: What do you expect?
Post by: Cat on September 03, 2009, 08:06:52 AM
Lily, you wrote:
And I was getting frustrated at my DIL when my holiday plans would be scheduled later/not be the same as her family/etc, when, as I recently found out due to a great heart to heart with her, my son was/is responsible for arranging visits with our family and she arranges things with hers.  To be totally honest, this makes perfect sense, is an equal share of the "work", etc, but it bothers me I didn't realize this before.

-GREAT For you! Glad you talked to your DIL. Keep it up. As a DIL, I promise you, that is really important. And this is the way me and my husband handles things as well.
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TamKat, If you were my MIL and you wrote this to about me, I would really feel hurt.
"Do I expect her to become my friend? Not necessarily.  I don't need to know her every little thought.  Of course if she were to come to me and ask me for advice I'd offer it, but only from a neutral point of view.  I would never take sides.
Is this because you just don't like her?

Do I expect her to make arrangements with me for Holidays and such, sure I do, naturally.
If you do not like her, and you do not want to be her friend, she will surely be able to sense it, and then how can you expect someone you do not even like, to spend holidays with you?

Do I expect my Son to handle the issues I have with my DIL atm,, indeed I do. "
Why would you do that to your son? Can you Imagen how difficult this must be, why not talk to her personally?
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Annie,
In my two marriages, my husbands contacted their mothers and I contacted mine.  That seemed to work.  That was because it kept us in touch with our mothers, it was just automatic and how we did it.
This is exactly how it works with me and my husband, and it works well too!

Once in awhile I just like to talk to my son, one on one, just to touch base.  (I'd love to know how DIL's feel about that!)
Well as a DIL I absolutely agree with this. I actually insist on it. It is after all his mother, and it is important for them both I believe. After all, when a man has a good relationship whit his mother,  he will have a good relationship with his wife.
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Title: Re: What do you expect?
Post by: Prissy on September 03, 2009, 08:21:06 AM
Dear Cat,
You make some great points, thank you!  But, talking to my son is not allowed.  If ever I try to contact him, he tells her.  She then doesn't understand why I went over her head and talked only to him.  I never do that anymore.  She can talk to her own Mother, though.

It's wonderful that you allow that for your husband, Cat.  It's not allowed with my DIL.  The DIL whom I am close to is not bothered in the least about it.  I don't abuse my rights but she doesn't mind.

The other thing my DIL has against me is that, though I've put them in the attic now, the scrapbooks from both sons years at home, she demanded I remove all pictures of him at proms with other girls.  I left them out for years in his old room and she would go in there to see if it had been done.  It's done now.  oy!

Title: Re: What do you expect?
Post by: Sassy on September 03, 2009, 08:56:27 AM
As a F-DIL this is so interesting.  It causes reflection for me.

I myself, as a F-DIL, definitely felt lilke I was supposed to be my F-MIL's friend!  I spent far more time with my F-MIL than my own mother, or any of my friends!  A combination of enjoying her, and yes, feeling obligated, if I am honest.  Although I was able to enjoy my F-MIL's company one-on-one much more, than when other people were around.  There were/are daily calls, texts, emails.  Regular unannounced visits, drive-by drop-ins.  Always many questions about details of our social plans without her.  Many invites, shoppping, the arts, lunches I could do.  Weekend "girls night out" got old fast (Saturday nights are the only relaxing time my BF and I have together).  And trips out of town with her, I/we could not do, despite her planning them multiple times. 

When I see my own parents, it is usually together for a family meal or event, once or twice a month.  My parents don't text or email (anyone).  They also don't ask a lot of who-what-when-where type questions about my own activities. They do take interest in my life, they share about theirs, and they're good listeners, but not in a Q-and-A format, if that makes sense. My mother and I call each other about twice a week to chat, unless during a planning time. 

Now that you mention it.. Neither my mother - nor my father - call my Fiance.  Nor do they invite him to spend time with them, separately of me.  But they do honestly love him and he is always welcome. They always seem very glad to see him, lots of smiles and big hugs and laughs.  That my Fiance doesn't communicate with them one-on-one, or see them one-on-one, doesn't seem to have a negative impact on their son-in-law relationship, at all.  Wow.

Thank all of you ladies, including my F-MIL, who marched for the rights I enjoy today!  Thank you for breaking down the gender barriers in the workplace... and for continuing to do so in other ways. Even this very morning, with this evey-opening thread.  Thank you all.
Title: Re: What do you expect?
Post by: just2baccepted on September 03, 2009, 10:30:48 AM
annieb - but that was my naiviety and lack of MIL training.

I really like the way you put things into words.  you have a special gift for that, just like Luise.  But you know I think that's true.  Even as a DIL we all needed training huh?  But at the same time even if you follow all the "rules" that doesn't mean that everything will be kosher, because if you're dealing a abnormally sensitive person then all goes out the window.  I'm so sorry, you seem like you have much to offer.  I'm so glad you have friends though, I wish I did.  But that's my own fault, I don't socialize enough.

Lily- you sound like you know what you're doing.  I guess my inlaws probably expected the same stuff.  But I also came from the mindset that my  hubby needed to plan things if he wanted to interact with his family.  I didn't mind cooking if he wanted them to come over.  But what's sad is sometimes I would have to say "do you want to have your family over?" This is before I found out they loathed me.  He didn't want them as a big presence in our lives because he didn't want to give them many opportunities to find things they didn't like about me.  How sad.  But good luck, I think if you have a rational DIL that's great and you have something to work with.  Sometimes its better to let them take the lead, so stereotypes aren't evoked.  ;D
Title: Re: What do you expect?
Post by: Alicev on September 03, 2009, 10:38:31 AM
Hi all!



The only time I would feel unhappy would be if my son never contacted me and all of our "talk" was through the DIL -- once in awhile I just like to talk to my son, one on one, just to touch base.  (I'd love to know how DIL's feel about that!)

I can answer from my experience. I have no problems with my husband spending one-on-one time with his mum. I am happy if they do - go out to dinner, watch a movie together, etc. I know I like to have one-on-one time with my mum. So I have no issues with that whatsoever.


I have noticed in quite a few posts were the words "allow" are used in talking about relationships. In my opinion it is not up to me to "allow" my husband to interact with his mum or dad. He is not like a piece of property that I permit to be used by other people. He is a human being with a mind of his own and capable of making his own decisions. So I do not forbid or allow in any way.  Having said that I also don't think it is my duty to make sure that he does that to the satisfaction of his parents. I leave his relationship with his parents up to them to work out. I try not to mediate in any way.
Title: Re: What do you expect?
Post by: Prissy on September 03, 2009, 11:45:50 AM
You mean you do allow your husband to be one on one with his Mother?  I can't get over it...it is absolutely not allowed here. 

Early on when son first got married, we knew he was miserable but said nothing.  He slipped and said in a whipped puppy dog way, "it's her way or the highway". 

We overlooked it and just changed the subject.  They made it through but we worried about his personality slowly disappearing.  A parent can't help but worry, it was our job for so long to worry!!

Good for you, Alicev...wish I could give you a gold star
Title: Re: What do you expect?
Post by: just2baccepted on September 03, 2009, 11:48:50 AM
Wow Tamkat.  I have to admit that seems gutsy.  I really think most mom's or MIL's  worry that any type of confrontation about their mistreatment by DIL will push away the son further.  Do you not feel that way?
Title: Re: What do you expect?
Post by: just2baccepted on September 03, 2009, 02:40:31 PM
If you read my post, you'd see what it has boiled down to

Actually I did read your posts.

I'm sorry if you didn't like my comment, but please don't assume that just because I made an "assumption" that you don't agree with then that means I didn't read your posts because I did.
Title: Re: What do you expect?
Post by: lilyofthevalley on September 03, 2009, 04:47:36 PM
Thinking back to when I was a DIL, I didn't mind if my husband went to spend time with his family.  I did mind if he didn't tell me he planned to be out so I made more dinner than necessary, planned to do something together, etc, but that's was a issue between my DH and I.  So I guess the only rule we had about that was keep each other informed of where we'd be so the other could arrange their schedule. 

I do have a question about the phone thing.  If any of us talk to anyone in either family, we're likely to tell each other what was said.  It's not that we have to or something, but we just share that with each other.  I assume my son and DIL also share things that I say to either of them with the other (though I don't expect them to be a messenger for the other, if it's that important I'll call).  I guess I just don't assume that my comments will be kept to only one partner in a marriage. 
Title: Re: What do you expect?
Post by: AnnieB on September 03, 2009, 06:04:42 PM
Quote from: lilyofthevalley on September 03, 2009, 04:47:36 PM
I assume my son and DIL also share things that I say to either of them with the other (though I don't expect them to be a messenger for the other, if it's that important I'll call).  I guess I just don't assume that my comments will be kept to only one partner in a marriage.

I surely would expect my partner to tell me major things, though I hope he'd have the wisdom to know what I didn't need to know  :D.

That might be something a spouse learns through trial and error  (i.e. son writes "note to self, don't tell wife ever again that mother said she thinks her own meatloaf recipe is tastier than hers") 

As a MIL, I think I want to try to avoid being the error and assume they share everything and to be aware that even if what I were to say wasn't meant as a criticism or judgment, to a sensitive DIL, it could be heard that way.

Something I am learning from this board -- you can say something (as a MIL or DIL) and think you are being clear, but someone else may have an interpretation that is not at all what you meant.

Title: Re: What do you expect?
Post by: just2baccepted on September 03, 2009, 06:37:13 PM
Well Tamkat I guess I won't comment on your posts since I can't grasp the complexity of your problems.  Your posts were very long and I did read them.  I know you've not been on here for long but since you're not the only one posting on here sometimes its hard to keep up with everyones stories.  I'll try to keep out of your way.
Title: Re: What do you expect?
Post by: Prissy on September 03, 2009, 07:53:55 PM
Please don't leave, TamKat.....I've felt like leaving too, especially today.  I think, as long as nothing else happens, I hope to stay. 

Sometimes it feels like a slap in the face when you are not supported on a site that should be for MILs to speak.

But please, reconsider...you have not overstayed your welcome.  We would miss you terribly.
Title: Re: What do you expect?
Post by: luise.volta on September 03, 2009, 08:51:03 PM
This isn't always easy for any of us. It's life. We don't have to like it or each other all the time and we are all free, of course, to stay or go. But it has possibilities, as does life.

I remember years ago when I belonged to the OA - 12 Step Program hearing "Take what you want and leave the rest."


Title: Re: What do you expect?
Post by: Cat on September 04, 2009, 02:25:17 AM
Well Tamkat I guess I won't comment on your posts since I can't grasp the complexity of your problems.  Your posts were very long and I did read them.  I know you've not been on here for long but since you're not the only one posting on here sometimes its hard to keep up with everyones stories.  I'll try to keep out of your way.

I feel EXACTLY the same Just2b!
But I think she was actually taking it out on me, not on you.

TamKat,
Why do you get so defensive, everyone here is hurt and angry. We are here to help each other- and yes, sometimes our anger may reflect as if it is anger towards you, but believe me, it REALLY isnt!! So sorry if I made you angry- I am not angry at you, I am just sad because of my own issues, with my MIL.
It is exaclty like Luise said,
Take what you want and leave the rest
Thank you!


Title: Re: What do you expect?
Post by: luise.volta on September 04, 2009, 08:27:28 AM
I think most of us are in learning mode here regarding how our Forum can serve us. I sure am. We are looking for understanding and support and possible resolution. 

It looks like most of us do best when we don't judge each other. "I" statements" help with that. "I feel angry and don't agree...I feel confused...I don't get that."  When we say "you", we mostly don't know what we're talking about. How could we? I think that anger (and most reactive behaviors) can be great mirrors. They can point us to our core beliefs and values if we will let them.

Case in point, I am furious when I am not heard. Sometimes it is only my perception but it still sets me off into the whole rejection thing. What I have come to learn about that is that I really value listening and acknowledgment. I know myself better for that. When it comes up again, I can sometimes say..."Ah, there you are...it's OK..down girl!" And that makes room for me to act more responsibly instead of reactively. (But not always!)

We come here wounded. Sometimes defensive and locked into being right. What we can take away is compassion. I'm convinced that various levels of healing can occur here.

Title: Re: What do you expect?
Post by: just2baccepted on September 04, 2009, 09:26:57 AM
Well I apologize. I don't mean for Tamkat to leave.  I just didn't care for being somewhat reprimanded for not "understanding" her situation.  I was just throwing out a thought on her situation.  I wasn't judging and I didn't think what I said was that big of a deal.  I've had people comment on some of my posts and thought to myself that they didn't read my initial "story" but I didn't reprimand them for "not reading my story."  If you get on this blog people are going to comment on what you said right?  I'm sorry if I'm being too sensitive.
Title: Re: What do you expect?
Post by: SunnyDays09 on September 04, 2009, 02:31:35 PM
QUOTE:  Do I expect her to become my friend? Not necessarily.  I don't need to know her every little thought.  Of course if she were to come to me and ask me for advice I'd offer it, but only from a neutral point of view.  I would never take sides.


  Hey I don't see a thing wrong here.   Really.  Sounds like you take it/she as it comes.  Don't have any unrealistic demands or expectations.  Why friend?  As in calling up spilling guts going shoe shopping friends?  Isn't that a bit much to expect?  As mils we just want to be treated as humans.  That's all.  Not to be gossiped about and  only accused of it.  Not to be lied to in order to save her skin.  Not to be eliminated from their lives if HER MOTHER can be in it!  We want the same perks as she gives HER MOTHER.  But since guys don't say much about it - we lose!!  
Title: Re: What do you expect?
Post by: just2baccepted on September 04, 2009, 02:44:36 PM
We want the same perks as she gives HER MOTHER.  But since guys don't say much about it - we lose!!

Happydays, I think you hit the nail on the head.  Daughters want a close relationship with their mom but I  know my hubby just isn't that concerned about meeting for lunch or shopping, etc.. He just wants to watch a ball game and piddle in the garage.  He just doesn't respond when his mom tries to make him feel sorry for her.  He just doesn't catch it.  I'll notice it and bring it up but he's never notices.  I think that's why women want to have girls, I know that's how I felt when we were trying to have a baby.  I wanted a girl for the future, we would be friends, I assumed.
Title: Re: What do you expect?
Post by: luise.volta on September 04, 2009, 06:31:58 PM
You certainly aren't responsible for her leaving...if she has. She is responsible for that. And you have every right to say how you feel. You did it with dignity. That's all that's needed.

It's your forum, too.

We all have different expectations and we all express differently.
Title: Re: What do you expect?
Post by: SunnyDays09 on September 05, 2009, 10:56:18 AM
Quote from just2beaccepted:  Daughters want a close relationship with their mom but I  know my hubby just isn't that concerned about meeting for lunch or shopping, etc.

   And that's a good thing!  :D

  I was a single mom for awhile.  Trying to remove son from harm's way with his very alcoholic with explosive temper! loser of a father.  It was rough.  I had made some poor choices when his father and I divorced.  In fact I can honestly say I lost my mind.  Constant bad choices. Acting out.  It was bad for awhile.  I couldn't deal with the hurt and deceit of discovering his father was unfaithful during our entire short marriage. 
  I always felt there was a bond between son and I that was very strong.  I felt I saved him from a doomed future with his dad.  I straightened up and got him back away from that awful situation as best as I could. 
   If it wasn't for me - my son would have never had a bicycle.  My first charge account on my own was opened to get him his first cool two wheeler.   
I became involved with his school.  Let him choose the extra curricular (what I could afford) and even kept dialogue going with his father.  I wanted to make him see that I and his new stepfather were his family.  To talk to about anything.  To never feel alone or frightful that a fist would come out of the blue if he were to say or do something.  Love. Trust. 
  It wasn't until high school he started going down a terrible path.  I had NO experience in dealing with a 17 year old alcoholic.  But I hung on.  Saw family therapists, school counselors, etc.  Took their advice, etc.  To try to help him.  Would have done anything to help him.  He put me and his family through some very terrible nightmarish times.  Never apologized.  Never thanked us for staying firm and supporting him.  Nothing.  Like a cold empty shell. 
  Sorry.  I couldn't stop. 
Title: Re: What do you expect?
Post by: luise.volta on September 05, 2009, 11:14:41 AM
H/D - It's not time to stop until it is. Whether you are writing a post or hanging in there, family-wise.

Most of us have histories that we aren't proud of. I know I do. That's the face of learning and growing for many. One step forward, two back. Doing well, falling flat...getting back up.

Much love going out to you.
Title: Re: What do you expect?
Post by: luise.volta on September 05, 2009, 11:40:08 AM
To All - my post above was about TamKat leaving. I am starting to realize that I need to address comments to specific people if that is my intent and refer to individuals, not just say "her." Please bear with me as I learn.
Title: Re: What do you expect?
Post by: Prissy on September 05, 2009, 12:20:41 PM
I hope so much that TamKat will come back here. It's her forum too, as you told the other poster.   I hope she'll be welcomed to post and be heard. I miss her!



Title: Re: What do you expect?
Post by: SunnyDays09 on September 05, 2009, 12:55:42 PM
Quote from luise.volta: H/D - It's not time to stop until it is. Whether you are writing a post or hanging in there, family-wise.

Most of us have histories that we aren't proud of. I know I do. That's the face of learning and growing for many. One step forward, two back. Doing well, falling flat...getting back up.

Much love going out to you.

And ♥ to you too luise. 
Title: Re: What do you expect?
Post by: luise.volta on September 05, 2009, 03:32:21 PM
MILU is for everyone who finds it nurturing. TamKat...where aaaarrrrreeee yoooouuuuuu?
Title: Re: What do you expect?
Post by: lilyofthevalley on September 09, 2009, 08:27:55 AM
"We want the same perks as she gives HER MOTHER."

This is sort of what I was wondering about as far as expectations go.  Why can we expect her to do the same for us (her husband's mother, not hers) that she does for her mother?  Shouldn't we expect our son to do the same for us?  This was one of my pitfalls, expecting my DIL to include me/do things for me that she did for her family, when really it's my son's job to do those things for his family.  I found my DIL and I's relationship and my son and I's relationship got a lot better when I realized it's his job, not hers.
Title: Re: What do you expect?
Post by: just2baccepted on September 09, 2009, 09:02:48 AM
Lily I think what you just posted is exactly right.  I would assume that my sensitive IL's are offended because we don't spend as much time them as I do with my mom.  But dh isn't running over to my mom's house.  When she and I go out to movie or out to eat its almost always just me and her and sometimes my niece and nephew.  Before I found out the IL's loathed me I just always felt like it was DH's place to invite them over or set up time to go to lunch or whatever.  The one time I asked my MIL to do something with me she said no.  When we first got married her and her daughter went to Affair of the Heart craft show that comes to town occasionally.  The fairgrounds were close to our house and she never asked if I would like to go.  Right off the bat I guess they were trying to alienate me but boy has it back fired on them now!  Because that was the first step for them to actually alienate themselves because my hubby's feelings were hurt by it and even talked to his dad and wanted to know why they didn't' invite me.  And then several years later Affair of the Heart came back to town so I asked MIL if she would like to go with me and she said NO.  Its so sad but I guess they don't see it.  They see it as pushing me out and alienting me but all their doing it alienating themselves because my hubby loves me and they just can't accept that.  My MIL actually just bought a new bed for my hubby.  That's so he's encouraged to come out and spend the night.  Because they know he only spends the night when I don't come along.  I'm sorry about going on about this, it just gets stuck in my head when I  read certain things.
Title: Re: What do you expect?
Post by: SunnyDays09 on September 09, 2009, 12:51:45 PM
Quote from: lilyofthevalley on September 09, 2009, 08:27:55 AM
"We want the same perks as she gives HER MOTHER."

This is sort of what I was wondering about as far as expectations go.  Why can we expect her to do the same for us (her husband's mother, not hers) that she does for her mother?  Shouldn't we expect our son to do the same for us?  This was one of my pitfalls, expecting my DIL to include me/do things for me that she did for her family, when really it's my son's job to do those things for his family.  I found my DIL and I's relationship and my son and I's relationship got a lot better when I realized it's his job, not hers.

  But what do you do, if she the dil, won't allow him to do anything for his side.  He is allowed to go help her mother paint.  His mom asks, he walks in and says "I don't know why you even asked me, I won't do it right"  ?? WTHECK?  I never!  Where did he get this?  I felt like saying, "then go"  Don't help me if you are determined to make it an awful time with me. 
  He is allowed to frequent all of their drink fests, little parties, whatever.  They never had time for ours.  If they did, you could tell that they were angry with each other or US?  and would just sit with arms folded not speaking.   I asked her - the dil - when she was just the booty call girl friend, to join us.  Was always told NO.  Busy. School. Work. Etc.  I kept asking.  Sincerely.   Didn't dawn on me this was just a tact.  A way for her to put distance.  Oh well.
Title: Re: What do you expect?
Post by: AnnieB on September 09, 2009, 02:31:12 PM
Tamcat, I don't know where to begin, so I'll try to be brief.

I feel that this forum is a MIL's forum.  I appreciate the advices and sharing with most of the DIL's (Just2be and Sassy, to name two).    We have had one poster who was on the edge of causing some conflict, but she seems to have left.   

I've seen on one of the anti-MIL boards advice to ignore and not get into discussion with people who are obviously trying to start some negative discussion, and I'd highly recommend we all do the same here.  Rather than going into screaming combat with someone, write a note to the admin with a copy of any PM or inflammatory statements, and ignore the person, don't reply to them.

When we start replying, copying bits of their text, and they copy ours -- we are entering into a losing battle.  We step away from our own discussion and support of each other and our issues.  We also become overly sensitive and may, in our anger, mis-read and mis-interpret what others are saying.

Different people can find different words meaning different things.  I would find it flattering to be called "gutsy" -- I consider myself a gutsy woman -- so please take a moment to talk with Just2be and make sure she's saying what you think she's saying.


Title: Re: What do you expect?
Post by: just2baccepted on September 09, 2009, 02:49:14 PM
AnnieB, thanks for defending me.  I meant no harm in what I said about being gutsy.  I always try to be careful in my comments.  I guess its hard to tell what someone is saying when you can't see their facial expressions??
Title: Re: What do you expect?
Post by: luise.volta on September 09, 2009, 08:52:48 PM
Stop!! Take a deep breath. Stop! Let defending and "she saids" go! Stop!And rest for a while! Stop! And go to another thread! Stop!
Title: Re: What do you expect?
Post by: luise.volta on September 09, 2009, 08:56:00 PM
Posting this for the fourth time tonight...Luise

Well, we are doing our best.

This is a newish site and your moderator, (me), is on a learn-as-you go path. DILs haven't been banned in spite of our name, because they often bring wisdom, a different take on things and some seem to really want to know how to connect. Some have been delighted to find a site that wasn't a MIL bashing entity. Conversely, our intent was never to go for the throat and bash DILs across the board.

I don't know the first thing about how or why someone would create multiple identities. I'm not going to ask my webmaster to police that, his plate is already too full. How can the person keep their postings straight? (I couldn't.)

It's not easy to feel strongly and still respect an apposing point of view. Flaming and baiting are hard to identify...it's pretty subjective. Case in point, I apparently saw dignity where there either was none, or it was a matter of interpretation. And generalizations can be deadly. All DILs are not horrific. Neither are all MILs.

Why not just post on threads where you feel comfortable and pass on the ones where you don't? Or why not start a new thread if you don't like the existing ones?

Why choose sides and take up arms? I would suggest that anyone (MIL or DIL) seriously interested in war move on and create their own forum-battlefield if it's blood they're after. I wonder if www.axetogrind.com is taken. If not, you're welcome to it.

This site is about support and resolution. That's what I wrote about at the top of the Home Page and we have already had a great deal of that. At the same time, to disagree is human and it's the stuff forums are made of. To attack and counter attack, however, seems childish to me and counter productive. Childish being the operative word.

This is, in essence, your forum. It wouldn't amount to much if I sat at my computer all day talking to myself. If you use it to tear each other to shreds, that's how it will end up.

If anyone sees clearly that our agreement isn't being kept and can give me the name of the person who has decided to be a troublemaker, message me and I will look into it and after a warning, remove that person if need be...(whether MIL or DIL.)

Peace, Luise
Title: Re: What do you expect?
Post by: chickiebaby on September 10, 2009, 04:00:18 AM
Dear HappyDays,
I would love to hear about your success story! I love happy endings if there is one....
Title: Re: What do you expect?
Post by: SunnyDays09 on September 10, 2009, 05:30:23 AM
My success story?  well, I will try.

    My feelings about my son/dil are a mixed bag.  There was such joy with these two learning about each other and their families together.  Saw some bumps in the road, but nothing they couldn't figure out for each other.  Their relationship was allowed to develop and be nurtured by his family.  "it" just seemed right.  she/he seemed to fit together seamlessly.
   Then with their engagement, perhaps the stress of others closing in on them was just a bit much.  Something had to go.  Elimination of his side was pretty easy.  We weren't the confrontational type. 
  It just happened.  Perhaps bringing the smaller issues up/dealing with at the time would have been the better way to handle the problem.  But with the plans and moving and new jobs, etc., there never was a chance.  They are doing well.  His family is doing well. 
   All in all I hope that some day things get resolved.  But I truly do not see that happening as long as his mil is in the way.  She is the "dominant one" as was said in the maid of honor's wedding toast to bride and groom!  yes, mom was mentioned.  mom was always the center of attention because she expected it.  and she always is to be obeyed.
   Success in their lives is my hope for them.  And perhaps that will happen if Alpha Dog motherinlaw were to move to the farthest reaches of the universe.  TaDa!! 
Title: Re: What do you expect?
Post by: AnnieB on September 10, 2009, 02:20:48 PM
Just my 1 1/2 cents worth here -- but Tam, it sounds like you are looking for a different kind of forum than this one.  And I don't know that one exists.  You might consider looking into starting one of your own -- the software for this kind of forum is free.  Beyond that, I don't know how one goes about setting up a forum.  You do seem to have the intelligence and energy, maybe if you build it, they will come (they being the kind of people with the kind of feedback you want).  And you would be able to decide who could post and who couldn't!

A thought anyway....best of luck to you in dealing with your MIL issues!

(and I'll PM this in case you aren't reading here anymore).

Peace out....



Title: Re: What do you expect?
Post by: chickiebaby on September 10, 2009, 02:43:01 PM
TamKat is in deep grief and very, very sensitive right now.  That part of grieving is the hardest.  Hopefully, she can get a pass for the moment.
Title: Re: What do you expect?
Post by: luise.volta on September 10, 2009, 09:59:47 PM
I am amazed at how many times you have told us that you are done posting. Yet it goes on and on...repetition...victimization...grievance after grievance...accusation after accusation...on and on and on...blame, blame blame. It's OK that you don't like this site. It's OK. Please get that it's OK.
Title: Re: What do you expect?
Post by: luise.volta on September 10, 2009, 10:21:41 PM
J2B - It's kind of a learn-as-you-grow place, isn't it? I know I'm learning a lot. And there have already been times for me that just being heard has been a really healing experience. So, want to say the same thing to this extended family of ours...thank you!  :D
Title: Re: What do you expect?
Post by: Alicev on September 10, 2009, 11:06:02 PM
I want to join the thank you crowd. Thanks for sharing your stories, insights, loving thoughts. Everyone. I am learning a lot with your help. Thank you for being here on this site.