March 28, 2024, 09:07:34 AM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Show posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.

Messages - tryingmybest

1
 ???It's funny I turned to this site to get me through my son's marriage to a manipulative controlling princess, and you were a Godsend.I detached with love, gave them space, gave up holidays stepped back and was the perfect non intrusive mother and MIL.  I gritted my teeth and bit my tongue and welcomed a grandbaby, and still never made a demand or complained or did anything worse. I made the adjustments, I moved on to live my life, and now not 5 years in, all the things I saw 5 years ago DS now sees, she has stopped caring enough about him one way or another to try and control him, and they are planning a DIVORCE. So Now what ? Arrrghhhh!!!!!
2
One good thing about Facebook, you can group people into "categories" and then exclude everyone in that category from seeing certain posts. I grouped DILS and their families, and my sons into a group called "The outlaws".
If I post anything that may or may not ruffle feathers, ie: the sun is shining, none of them ever see it.
I also unfollowed all of them that way none of their posts go into my newsfeed, I have to click on The Outlaws category to see their posts. only do that when I'm in a good place, with a roaring fire and a glass of wine.  :D
3
LOL, no when sons ask my advice on anything I give it  ;D. Where I am having a problem is when they come to me moaning about their wives. Especially when it involves issues I've been grinding my teeth over. For example they are joined at the hip with their parents,and have to do EVERYTHING with Mommy...when I see my kids being put down and discounted it has always made me nuts. The one DIL makes these sarcastic put downs that are plain mean. DS is beginning to take offense finally! She says its "kidding". What I want to say is, "thats totally wrong" but I smile and urge him to work it out with his wife, because I don't want to be put oin the middle of it. But it makes me crazy.  ???
4
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Four years in
July 01, 2014, 07:09:50 AM
Thought I'd check back in and thank you wonderful women once again for helping me through the transition to MILhood. I lovingly detached, accepted the days before or after every single holiday. I never pushed or demanded or even asked, made it clear I knew the son's first priority had to be their new families - ie: wife and kids. It actually became easy after awhile because I had time to focus on my needs, and I relaxed!

Well, reality is hitting them in the face. "Their" families have never formed because the DIL's are still firmly emeshed into Their FOO. Sons are getting really sick of taking a back seat, when they get a seat at all. Now...they are turning back to Momma to try and discuss things to communicate...I've gently directed them back to their wives...who are sitting happily in their Mommy's kitchens getting and giving all the emotional support from their FOO they ever did, and having a build in vent for their marriage troubles.  ???

So I'm feeling guilty. Its clear there are problems, but my feeling right now is they' re not MY problems. I want to be emotionaally supportive but where is a safe middle ground?
5
and the bottom line is, it doesn't happen. I think we are all in the next phase of helicopter parenting. Some, and let me stress the word SOME young adults are used to being the princesses and princes in their families of origin. They come first! Mom and Dad are involved in every part of their lives and it is take, take, take.
You have some parents and I stress again SOME parents whose whole identity is tied to their kids.

Some women see no need to disturb this dynamic after marriage - they just absorb their husbands into it, then our DS's get to be the prince of another family too,  ???

Culturally DS's can't continue that relationship with their own families because then they become the dreaded "Mamas Boys". But they can join into their wife's family in basically the same role, and everybody is happy, especially their wives!

The minute mother's of sons start to complain we are portrayed as crazy demanding nut jobs only interesting in keeping our sons little boys, at the very time they are struggling to become MEN.

After carefully observing my DIL's it became really clear, one of them at least was actively trying to promote a conflict, because lets face it, then she could swoop down with the dreaded "cut-off" , and she wouldn't have to deal with any of us anymore.

So I decided to become the Stepford MIL. No demands total acceptance no complaints and trust me its driving her nuts  ::)

Because DS, and to a certain extent his brother are beginning to see that not only is their FAMILY being pushed out of the picture THEY are too. While their parents are reinforcing their status as men, they are finding themselves being toted along like little boys by their in-laws, and their wives. It's not working.

When they come to us to complain I refuse to discuss it,saying its a discussion for them to have with their wives, or a therapist.

I don't want to sound happy about the situation, because I'm not. I want both sons to have happy mature marriages, and to do that they and their WIVES BOTH have to step away from their FOO, and build a new family.
6
Oh my, we have all been there. We were basically kicked to the curb by both sons who married within a year of each other. Both DILS come from extremely emeshed families and both made it clear right from the get go, holidays would be with their families first, because they had traditions that could not be broken. I grit my teeth and make do with what they deign to give us. Right now a nice holiday cruise is sounding good.  ::)

One thing I did stress with both DS's is the real need for the young couples to form their own family and make their own traditions. Both FOO should be stepping back to let that happen. I'm giving them their space with no demands, and after a few years of very little contact, they are both initiating visits and contact, because the unfairness of the situation is becoming really clear, and they are getting tired of being the tag along to their wife's family dynamic. I don't say a word except to praise them for the adults they have become and remind them their lives are theirs to control and deal with.
7
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Happy Thanksgiving
November 28, 2013, 06:14:08 AM
As I begin our Thanksgiving steeped in the new normal of watching our sons celebrating with their inlaws I wanted to reach out to the Wise Women who have made the past 3 years bearable. I am so thankful for all of you! Have the best of all possible holidays!
8
Yankee can SO identify! When  both sons got married I was AMAZED how they turned away. After reading this site and seeing how universal this phenomenon was I did some "psychological" research that basically said men have to separate from their FOO ( mostly mom ) in order to completely gender identify and become the "stallion of their own herd", or some such bunkum. I just figured if they were focused on being "men" any pressure from me to maintain our prior relationship would be seen as trying to keep them kids, and push them away further.
So I focused ( thank you Luise) on me and developing my post motherhood life, I enjoyed seeing them when I did and strongly supported everything they were doing...reinforcing their status as independent adults. Facebook is a minefield , I made a separate "folder" for them, DIL's and their families, called it The Outlaws actually, and took them out of my news feed. That way you can see when the posts come in, you can choose not to look at them at all, or scan them when you are in a good place, and able to deal with them. I also posted every great thing our family, and I did, emphasizing the life is going on just great thank you very much.
I was also very supportive to the DIL's. I hated the fact their parents didn't have to deal with this wrenching pull away, but they just don't.
It's funny, but the calls that cut off to nothing are starting up again and they are making real efforts to reconnect with their FOO.  They get kind of baffled when we have other commitments and they have to fit into our schedule, but hey that's life kiddos. Hang in there, I know it hurts but it does get better.
9
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Interesting....
June 16, 2013, 05:07:40 AM
Well after being ignored for Mothers Day the AC 's descended a day early to celebrate Dad, with presents and lots of "Happy Fathers Day" loving pictures and quotes on Face Book. This is the guy who held them at emotional arms length for their entire lives, never dealt with their problems, just basically was never there.  ???
So after pulling away from me, the one who..you know did everything, Dad was just celebrated and I am grinding my teeth to a nub. Sorry, just needed to VENT!
10
Just read the rest of the thread and saw I'm a little behind, lol. I'm glad it went well! but my advice still stands, make YOU, your priority at this point in your life. But so glad it went well!  ;D
11
I agree with Keys, think this will be the first of many requests for concessions from you. I would inform DS, that the restraining order was obtained for a reason, and wish them well. geez this is getting to be too common. Adult sons clinging to contact with Fathers who did a miserable job in the role, while turning away from mothers who were always there for them. Going through the same thing. I think the hard truth is if your DS is asking you to do this, your well being is not really that important to him. You are not a priority. It's up to you to make yourself and your DH the priority. I would wish them well.
12
I am so sorry about what's happening. Was DS ever evaluated for traumatic brain injury after his mugging? And was he ever treated for PTSD? That kind of severe attack can leave a person with anger and fear and I guess with men some degree of victim "shame" because they couldn't fight off their attacker. if he was never able to process those feelings he may be dumping all that anger on "safe targets", his parents.    I'm not a therapist by any means, but that might be worth a look.
13
 ;) Can't let this day go past with a hug to the Wise Women who have gotten me though the past three years. Of course DS's day will be spent celebrating their wives and MILs. So it's progressed from all holidays to Mothers Day, oh well. I am actually not sitting here miserable. There were attempts to get together yesterday but I had plans and sweetly declined to rearrange my life in order to accept what was offered to me. I have changed FB so DS and DILs and their families are in separate categories I have to make a special effort to see, you know what, just don't make the effort. I do however let them know about all the fun things I am doing, and that my life is going swimmingly without them, front and center.  :D
No guilt, no anger just lots of smiles " Have a great day" and moving on. The circle is complete I am the woman I was before motherhood and I don't NEED them in order to be that person.  I was and AM a great mother and they were lucky to have me. Today I celebrate me, and all of us!
I'm lucky to have me, because I'm a great person, and we all are! Have a great day, I intend to! {hugs}.
14
You know, I'm going to pop in here for what it's worth. I just got devastating news about a friend of mine. She had a grandchild less then 6 months ago, life was going beautifully and three weeks ago was diagnosed with an inoperable extremely aggressive soft tissue cancer. She's got weeks to live. I'm just sitting here realizing it all changes in an instant. I would go, if for nothing else just to look into your grandchilds eyes, hug her and tell her how much she means to you. The rest of them are life static.
15
What drives me nuts is the "I am adult, don't pressure me attitude" that in a moment can switch to "you're my parents you should be ready to DO for me." And I can't see how he can't see how just turning away and letting us know really clearly we no longer matter - HURTS. And it's not that he is starting his own family and traditions, he's just joined hers ::)